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One last tug needed, before committing to the memorised tucking of one looped lace under the other: the ‘bunny ears’ method as what many would describe it as. Taehyun wiggled his toes, checking the tightness of his shoes before palming the ground to ascend for leverage. He had taken a few more seconds to linger around the door, even audibly letting out a few hums of random songs that flew in memory but still, the attention he craved didn’t fall towards the space he was in.
The man peeked behind his shoulders, catching on how the three still haven’t moved on from their conversations from hours ago. Hours that Taehyun weren’t a part of so he decided on going outside for a jog. But even the busy motions of getting ready didn’t knock any other members’ regard as he had hoped.
A dejected sigh, before Taehyun wordlessly enacted his leave. The click of the door created a pause in the buzzing chat. It made him wait, catching it in hopes that someone will finally give him what he’s after.
“Tae?” It’s Beomgyu. His gruffed tone is lower than the rest, distinctly soft in comparison to the depth of it.
Taehyun took another glimpse of them. All eyes were on him for a second before their leader reached over to Yeonjun who sat on the other side of the couch, showing him something from his phone.
Taehyun’s grip on the handle tightened after the notice. “Hm?” He still probed.
But Beomgyu looked distracted at whatever Soobin had on his screen as well. He didn’t even properly look at Taehyun anymore, continuing to speak blindly. “Can you grab me some ice cream on your way back?”
Oh.
He expected someone to offer to join him at least. Not everyone liked jogging in their group. But once or twice, someone would offer to at least join the mission down the river. They would hire a one day bike, or simply wait for him at a specific bench while he ran. A company. One that Taehyun grew hungry for but left starved.
“Taehyun?” Beomgyu called out one more time when there’s no response. From the entrance of their dorm, Taehyun could see how the elder went back to look at him, his brows bowing questioningly.
Notice me.
Beomgyu kept quiet disappointingly so, even if his lips started to downturn. Taehyun turned around in the end discouraged, knowing nothing will happen. “Sure.” He mumbled with no weight. There was nothing else that followed in between his decisive leave.
-
“You’re probably staying behind right?” Soobin asked without gazing away from his reflection. They had finished cleaning up after a practice.
Practices have been cut shorter due to Kai’s vacancy in response to falling ill from the pandemic. It was the companies choice to be more lenient on them, forcing the members to prioritise their health. They had thought that Kai would return soon so the first few days the others stayed in the dorms. But the member haven’t reported any gaining stability back, so practice was put back on schedule especially with a schedule in the next following week. They would have to perform without him.
It had been five days ever since Kai fell ill.
Five days that felt like hell for Taehyun.
Five days of not feeling like he had no one to talk to despite the other three in the dorm. Five days of realising how quiet it was everywhere without him. Five days of realising that no one else really barged into the room to annoy the younger two if Kai wasn’t present. Five days of welling up after thoughts of perhaps he’s not considered at all. Five days of feeling lonely, especially at night when the bed he faced was empty.
Behind the two of them were Yeonjun and Beomgyu, holding onto their bags as they wait at the door of the practice room. Taehyun realised they were probably waiting for Soobin. And with the way the leader’s question sounded, it was like they were only waiting for him.
Taehyun didn’t feel like doing his usual routine of staying behind to box or gym for a few more hours. The question for him made him feel like he should, not feeling invited to joining the car ride home with everyone.
“Yeah,” Taehyun began to reopen his bag. He had no other top to change into if he had to. He packed none, already deciding to go home with them at the start of the day. The plans have changed. “Yeah, I am.”
Soobin considered his answer. His shift to one side made Taehyun zip his bag back close but he kept his back facing the leader. Taehyun felt his heart pound in his chest.
Question me a little more.
Soobin didn’t. Instead he shuffled a little more before he came to his side, grabbing his own backpack right next to his. “Don’t stay for too long.”
“Okay.”
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The kitchen that was usually untouched was messy with cut up ingredients and marinated sauces separated all in different bowls. It made it look like the area was actually touched by humans, used like how it was supposed to, rather than just a slapped of a cork placemat under the typical pot of ramen in the middle of the counter.
Beside the chopping board littered with diced red onion, was Taehyun’s phone showing a video recipe of the planned dinner meal. The latter meticulously followed each presented step, eager for the food to taste as delicious as it looked on screen.
Beomgyu sloppily stumbled in the dorm, loud in his greeting. Taehyun waited expectedly at the space where the other should appear from. Anticipation in his throat when he watched the former sniff the air. One main course was already bubbling behind Taehyun, almost finished. The scent was heavy and inviting.
Yeonjun followed Beomgyu after a few moments. The two went out for the night to hang out. Soobin and Taehyun stayed behind. But the leader had been in his room the whole time, Taehyun tried not to pay attention to it, knowing he had been more tired than usual doing his own personal schedules on top of their shared ones.
“Smells amazing.” Beomgyu complimented. He ran up to where he was, peeking at everything. The smile on Taehyun’s face was almost immediate. Growing confidence brewed inside of him, only for it to dissipate when he saw the way Beomgyu was gnawing at his lips and sending knowing looks at Yeonjun who slowly made his way on the other side of the counter.
“Its just…” Beomgyu started off.
Sorry was in his voice and Taehyun had already known what was about to be said. He went back to his cutting board, trying hard not to show the slump of his shoulders.
“It’s fine.” He said at the unneeded verbal continuation of Beomgyu’s excuse. He knew he sounded as hurt as he felt. Even Beomgyu took half a step back. So he told himself to fix the strength of his voice before he resumed, “it’s fine if you already ate.”
Yeonjun spoke this time. “Taehyun, we can stil–”
“It’s fine, really.” Taehyun cut in just as sharp as the one from before. His hands weren’t even moving. Just simply holding onto his knife in the correct posture over the already diced condiments. “I’ll just leave your share in the fridge. Have it in the morning or whatever.”
Beomgyu and Yeonjun were exchanging looks, they were very explicit with it. Taehyun pushed his shoulder to cover himself even more. Hunched and refusing to look up. But he grit his teeth, wishing to hear something more from them than just letting him win.
Argue with me.
Beomgyu had begun walking backwards. “I’ll let Soobin know there’s food. Maybe he could join you.”
Taehyun swallowed, “maybe.”
Soobin didn’t. Taehyun ate dinner by himself.
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Kai was fortunately well and returned back inside the dorms after a few more long impatient days. Taehyun should have been overjoyed but he couldn’t help but to wince at the way the dormitory increasingly shone with life after his arrival. It was in a way that felt taunting for Taehyun.
The members were more loud, the way they normally were. They were rowdy, filled with laughs and chatters and in every way possible, Kai was in the middle of it all. Taehyun would join their late night conversations, holed up alone in the little corner of the couch, knees to his chin, and watch the light in everyone’s eyes as they look at Kai.
The shared room ran as per usual: that is, the members acting like it was their own. They don’t even knock before they enter. Sometimes barging in to call the ones settled inside to get ready, for a meal or to simply join in playing games. Sometimes they’d talk inside the room. During then, Taehyun tried to ignore how no one else sat on his bed but was okay with recklessly crawling all over Kai’s.
Touches were something Taehyun never felt peckish over. He realised, after Kai’s presence was gone for a bit, he never looked for it because it was given to him without asking. It wasn’t that he only received the platonic hugs, the clinging to his arms only from his same-aged friend. But getting it from the members was rare. Perhaps it was Taehyun’s own blame – making it a recurring event to feign a gag or to hold up a stern hand to represent a knife when affection gets thrown at him, but maybe if the members’ scrutinised a little closer, they’d see the yearn in Taehyun’s eyes for them to be stubborn and hug him anyway. The fall of his face was obvious every time they would stop trying, but the others don’t really do anything about it.
When Kai was gone, Taehyun’s skin itched like it wasn’t his. When he laid in bed, everything felt too cold to easily fall into sombre. When he curled into himself, or wrapped an arm around himself, he wished it was someone else’s.
And Taehyun still felt the same way when he arrived.
It wasn’t that he hated Kai, God no. He could never curse his friend or breathe even badly towards his direction. The closest way to describe it was that Taehyun sticks himself in imaginative scenarios on what it would be like if he was Kai when he realised the very distinct way they were treated.
Taehyun fell into the what if’s quite often. If they would pay attention to him, undivided, every time he spoke. If sharing the same interests Kai seemed to have with everyone meant being able to spend time with every respective member. If getting touches he wants, being showered with love, was easier to get if he was Kai.
“Wait Kai, what do I do now?” Soobin’s voice went up a pitch clear of his peaking stress. The members were playing games in the living room for a bit after a schedule. Taehyun made his way to join the shared space after washing up, but kept walking till he reached the kitchen to simply grab himself a glass of water.
“Kai!” Soobin exclaimed once more when the called male didn’t respond as a way to tease him. There was a chain reaction of laughter from the other members in return, amused with the situation.
“So what you have to do–”
“No, let him suffer.”
“Beomgyu.” It was Yeonjun’s light hearted warn at Beomgyu’s attempt to ridicule the already flustered Soobin. Rapid, anxious button pressing could be heard all the way from the kitchen. Soobin was seemingly pressing whatever due to the lack of assisted instructions.
“What? It’s funny to watch him– Oh my god!” Beomgyu’s sentence was interrupted by a shocked laughter. Kai notedly joined him right next to the chorus of Soobin’s complaint after a dispirited sound of probably a loss of the game was displayed on the television screen.
Taehyun didn’t feel like joining so he didn’t give his own jeer in harmony with the rest and made his way down the dormitory towards the shared bedroom.
Memorising the structure of the room and the steps it took to reach his bed, meant an easy blind travel without flicking any light switch. He slumped heavily on the mattress, not even feeling the energy to rip the cover under him. Taehyun could sleep like that. He could fall asleep on his stomach, face turned to one side and eyes shut. But his lids kept fluttering open when his mind won’t stop racing.
And he felt too cold. Way too cold.
The door clicked open. Taehyun had thought that Kai felt tired too and joined him right after. But there was no other movement after the door groaned ajar. Peering over his shoulder, he spotted Yeonjun who was peeking in. When the elder heard the scuffle of the bedsheets, he gained the courage to open the door wider.
“Can I come in?”
Taehyun didn’t know what to say nor how to perceive the gentleness in his voice. The question too, coaxed his weeping heart just right it throbbed with need instead. Need for Yeonjun to accompany him.
There was no permission just as much as there was no opposition. Yeonjun decided on his own. His actions made Taehyun breathe out the air he didn’t know he held. An exhale of gratitude for picking the right choice.
Yeonjun entered the room and clicked it quietly behind him. Even in the dark, Taehyun could tell he was smiling at him small. “Can I turn on the light switch, bub? I want to see you.”
Instead of answering, Taehyun writhed over to find the switch of his lampside, providing a gleam of yellow tint instead of pure darkness. He heard the thank you roughly before he fell back on his torso, hiding his face. Taehyun couldn’t believe how fast his eyes welled up just having the other’s presence inside the room that almost swallowed him up to join the void of helplessness he had been hiding in.
“Do you want to look at me right now?”
Taehyun shook his head immediately. He couldn’t even bring up a hand to wipe the tears that eventually fell because it would show he was crying even from behind. Though the choked little sounds he tried so hard to keep in was hard to not hear. At least Yeonjun wasn’t putting notice into what he wanted to be brushed off.
“Do you want to tell me what’s on your mind?”
Another shake of his head. It was more hesitant than the rest. Only because he did, but he knew to put it all into words would be hard to do. It was hard to explain the weird sting in his core. It was even harder to decide what could cure it.
“Do you want me to leave?”
“...No.”
Yeonjun took a few more minutes before he asked another thing. “Can I come closer then?” To which, Taehyun finally nodded at his query. Soon the bare side of the bed dipped with the weight of Yeonjun’s company. He was still a respectable distance away from Taehyun who had stilled his tears by then, just simply hiccuping as silent as he could.
With the silence, the fits of giggles of the other three crept through the cracks of the door and spilled into the contrary quietness. Taehyun focused on it, wondering if he could be as reckless as them.
He was always told he was the more serious one, the one too mature for his age, the one who strived to be independent. And he knew his members act towards him in respect to that; leaving him the space to do his own hobbies he enjoyed alone. Added to that, the members are usually less humorous when engaging in conversations with him and made sure to be more careful in themselves like they restrict their actions.
But Taehyun never wanted that. Taehyun didn’t want it.
He rolled over on his back. The action made Yeonjun move from staring at the carpet floor to glance at Taehyun who looked for him.
The oldest member’s face showed nothing but patience and understanding. He was inviting him to open up if he was ready. And Taehyun knew that whatever it was, he’d listen much like the others would. They’d listen to him, talk out problems with him if they encounter any and come to a group conclusion of a way to deal with them. Because they’re one to trust and they do love him despite the mess of what-if’s in Taehyun’s head. He could start with Yeonjun.
“Yeonjun?” His voice was tiny, embarrassed and timid. But Yeonjun scooted closer, slightly hovering without stripping the kindness from his face, wealthy with tender. Willing to hear what it was that had been occupying Taehyun’s mind. Eager to lend a shoulder.
Taehyun trusted him. Taehyun loved him.
“Aren’t I one of the youngest too?” It left his mouth in a wobbled whimper.
A younger member to take care of and look after by the guide of older members. A younger member to coo and smother in love from adoration of the older members. Another younger member they could tease, play around with and step into the personal circle he had always left open for the older members to come into.
Yeonjun looked like he was struck by lightning, unable to move but his face couldn’t remain motionless. He showed how the phrase registered in his mind, the consequent confusion that soon swept away with realisation before turning apologetic.
Taehyun found the bed sheets under his palm, gripping into it when nothing happened.
Hold me. Hold me. Hold me. Please hold me. Hold m
It wasn’t cold anymore. Warmth finally enveloped him, making the shakes disappear and calming the marathon his heart raced. His skin stopped itching, it felt like his again. His mind came to the quiet that Taehyun had been hoping for, making him focus on nothing else but the hug that guided his face into the neck of the other male.
He closed his eyes when Yeonjun crashed into him, not even second guessing how it would crush the younger into his bed. But Yeonjun, even if it was awkward, clung tightly around him, keeping him in his arms. Holding him.
Yeonjun’s breath comforted the chill of Taehyun’s skin. It fanned over the skin as he whispered assurances. “I’m holding you, bubba. I’m right here.”
Taehyun had said it out loud. Yeonjun would have hugged him even if he kept it to himself like how he always did. Taehyun knew because Yeonjun, himself, was the one asking for permission wordlessly before Taehyun realised it was what he wanted the most: someone to hold onto the pieces that went astray, and to help him be whole again.
Taehyun held him back. His palms stretched out flatly on the expanse of Yeonjun’s back. The older kept holding him as tight as the first. The younger ended up curling his whole arm around Yeonjun’s waist to pull them closer together.
“I wanted to hang out with you yesterday.” Taehyun confessed in his ear as every deep exhale made his back dig more into the mattress comfortably. Yeonjun hummed in response. “But I forgot you had your individual work… I keep forgetting you have that now. It feels like I barely see you too.”
Taehyun knocked three sets on Yeonjun’s door, only to frown and feel his stomach drop when he entered the room but all he faced was a lazy made up bed. Then he remembered about the mcing Yeonjun was a part of every Sunday. Taehyun watched the clips of his appearances under the covers in bed, knowing that when Yeonjun gets home, Taehyun wouldn’t be able to see him anyway. The extra schedule took a toll on his member’s energy a lot. Yeonjun didn’t like to admit it but it was obvious in his eyes.
Taehyun gave him space when he came back home; to rest in his room after a quick meal. Taehyun didn't knock on the door even if he wanted to again.
Gaining more strength, Taehyun continued to confess at least little bits of what he was the most concrete on. “I know you guys give me space because I prefer to do things on my own, but I don’t want to be alone all the time.”
Yeonjun played with his hair encouragingly. His fingers are as gentle as how every other action he does.
“You can tease me, force me to watch those stupid romcoms you enjoy so much,” Yeonjun laughed short above him making Taehyun move his head to peer up. Yeonjun looked down too, sending him a smile. Taehyun held onto him tighter, watching as the grin of the elder stretched out even more.
“I like hugs too. I like it when Soobin ruffles my hair as well. I like listening to the things Beomgyu wants to talk about, just as much as how Kai does.”
It wasn’t everything. But it was a start. Taehyun knew he’d have to pull everyone one by one and reveal the things he did to Yeonjun as well. They were a team, close knit. Taehyun wanted everyone to know everything about him just as much as he wanted to know about them.
Taehyun smiled to himself fondly in memory, voice more casual. “Kai can also talk my ear off and steal my sleeping time about nerdy things all he wants. I actually like hearing his interests even if sometimes I feel like he’s saying made up words just to test me.”
Yeonjun laughed a little louder. Taehyun chuckled along. They separate. Even with the space, Taehyun didn’t feel the piercing cold anymore. If he paid attention, his arms actually buzz in the memory of Yeonjun’s shape and weight. He gulped when his heart struck out to start beating a little faster again. This time for a different reason.
He wanted him back again. Fortunately, Yeonjun was scooting around the bed. He had even told Taehyun to stand up for a moment who watched by the feet of the mattress as the oldest member untucked the duvet before laying down like he was the owner and putting the cover over his body. He kept a hand under his head that tilted at how Taehyun remained still.
“Let me crash here for tonight.” Yeonjun said, his eyes glistened. “I’ll kick Kai to my room. It’ll be us two tonight.”
Taehyun didn’t need to be told twice, joining in but turning his body to the side. Yeonjun didn’t say anything, only snaking an arm around Taehyun's waist to pull his back to his chest.
“You’ll have me tonight and the whole day tomorrow.” Yeonjun reminded him. “You’ll have me till you get sick of me. You’ll always have us next to you, bub. I mean that.”
Taehyun knew. But the reminder felt good.
“We love you so much.”
Taehyun nodded in his pillow. He knew that too. He never doubted that.
Yeonjun pressed a kiss on the back of his shoulder, before keeping his hold on him stern so the flushness of their body had no gaps. “I love you.”
If the whisper meant a little more, something for them to talk about in the future, Taehyun responded by finding his hands under the covers and squeezing his smaller one over the other’s. He fell asleep when Yeonjun’s smile pressed onto the top of his head, exhaling a happy breath.
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