Chapter Text
It was in the middle of the night, when Sunoo felt his ‘problem’ about to occur again. He had just woken up, unsure of what made him stir, when he felt it. That pressing, suffocating sensation in the far back of his throat. That sickening sweet taste taking over everything. Making his brain quickly rid itself of whatever dream fragments it still held on to, a faint memory of a boxy smile and big hands intertwining his.
Sunoo sat up on his bed, trying to be careful as he pulled the blanket off his legs, and swung his legs off the bed. With one hand covering his mouth, unable to suppress one small cough from slipping out, he grabbed his phone and very silently got out of bed and made his way towards the door. As soon as he was out, he shut it, and then hurried towards the bathroom, praying that it wasn’t in use. And he was lucky, it wasn’t.
Sunoo pulled it open, now feeling how urgent it was, and quickly stepped inside, locking the door behind him, and then quite literally threw himself onto the floor, knees making hard impact against glazed tile. And then it happened, as soon as he opened his mouth petals began forcing their way out of his throat. Sunoo’s eyes teared up from the burn and from how badly he tried to be silent.
When he finished hacking up his lungs, Sunoo just took a moment to rest his forearms against the toilet seat, dirtiness be damned. His throat felt so sore, and when he opened his teary eyes, he saw those same purple petals scattered around. Something was genuinely wrong, and Sunoo was scared.
Allowing himself a few deep breaths, he then raised his upper body, turning so he was now sitting with his back against the cabinet below the basin. With a shaky arm, he reached for his phone which he had left on the floor next to the toilet. Sunoo swallowed, and unlocked his phone, going to the internet.
Taking another deep breath, Sunoo just wrote it as it was, ‘ why am I coughing up flowers? ’, hoping to get some help in his struggle. It sounded stupid. But that was literally the problem.
…
It had started two days prior. Actually, Sunoo had felt weird for a little while longer, but he had taken it just as the side effects of sleeping and eating badly lately, with what the stressful schedule of being an idol could be. But then, one day, it happened. They had been in the practice room, rehearsing for an upcoming performance, and Sunoo had gone to drink some water during the break. He had been leisurely chatting with Jungwon, taking the bottle from the younger man, and sat down by the wall. Jake, Sunghoon and Jay joined them, but Ni-ki and Heeseung were still going. Like many times, Sunoo couldn’t help but stare at the youngest, the way he so effortlessly moved his body. There was just something about the way he moved. Something that made him feel weird.
He watched the tall boy, as he turned to Heeseung, laughing at something the eldest said, all teeth and gums. And in the next moment, he felt something in his throat. As if he would puke. Sunoo had immediately gotten up on his two feet, and just waved Jungwon off when the younger one asked if he was okay. He smiled, gestured that he’d go to the bathroom, unable to speak. As soon as he went outside of the training room, he had coughed, and something had come out against his fingers.
Sunoo had felt scared to look, afraid it would be blood and that he truly was sick, but when he opened his eyes there was no red in his palm. Instead, he saw something resembling purple flower petals. The next moment, he felt that tickle in the back of his throat again, and this time he took off sprinting, down the hall towards the toilets. He didn’t even care if anyone saw him, he needed to get inside now.
The bathroom was vacant when he made it inside, and immediately he went into the closest stall, leaning down over the toilet. And in the next moment he started heaving, and he slammed his eyes shut as he felt whatever was in his throat begin to pour down into the toilet. When he finally could breathe again, Sunoo opened his eyes, and inside the toilet he saw even more petals. His heart felt as if it would beat out of his chest and his throat burned. What the hell? He took a shaky breath, and then flushed the toilet.
“I must’ve eaten something weird…”, he had told himself, even though he had no idea what he possibly could’ve eaten to make him puke flowers.
Feeling slightly better, he stepped out of the stall, and went to the mirror. His eyes were red and his cheeks looked flushed, and he started the water, wetting his face.
It was all really weird, but he supposed that things like this could happen. He tried to tell himself that, at least. He needed to get back to practice, and he would pretend as if nothing had happened. It probably wouldn’t happen again.
…
But he had been wrong, of course, and therefore he sat on the bathroom floor at 2am two days later, finally looking for advice from Google. It had happened more than three times, and by now he was worried. He wasn’t sure for how much longer he could hide it from the rest. They were already getting suspicious. Sunoo knew the members were worried over his health. He swallowed and stared at his screen, as he waited for the page to load.
And so it did. At the top of the screen, he saw a Wikipedia page, and blinked.
Hanahaki disease.
Sunoo had never heard of it before, and he bit his lip before clicking on the page.
‘ The term hanahaki comes from the Japanese words hana (花), which means "flower", and hakimasu (吐きます), which means "to throw up". ’, the top of the site read, making Sunoo blink.
“To throw up… flowers”, he mumbled to himself.
That was what he was doing, wasn’t it? He continued reading, feeling nervous.
“‘ It’s an uncommon illness, an estimated 0,8% of the population are infected as of 2018 ’…”, he mumbled out loud. “‘ Flowers will start blooming in the victim’s lungs, causing vomiting ’…”
His eyes flickered over the screen, until he came to a halt.
“‘ The cause is ’…”
Sunoo’s eyes widened, as he read the words on the screen. Immediately, he felt that stirring in his throat, and he had to put his phone down and lean back over the toilet. Once more, purple petals forced their way out, and everything hurt.
When he was done, he just breathed down into the toilet for a few seconds. It felt as if someone was playing some sort of prank on him, because how could this be real? He had never heard of this illness, and he couldn’t understand how he was infected.
The Wikipedia-page had said ‘ the cause is strong unrequited love ’, and Sunoo couldn’t believe it. Him? Really? There was no way. Still, he was puking flowers, that much was true, but how could he be in love if he didn’t even notice it himself? And unrequited love? He was Kim Sunoo, those things didn’t happen to him. It was impossible. He wasn’t in love with anyone.
Sunoo swallowed, ignoring the burning in his throat, and then rolled away from the toilet again. Deep breaths. Things didn’t get easier just because he started freaking out. He just needed to focus on breathing.
Like that, he stayed on the bathroom floor, trying to breathe and not suffocate by the sweet scent that now surrounded him, until he felt stable enough to get up and make his way back to his bed. When he opened the door, carefully, he forced his mind to not focus on anything other than getting some sleep.
As he laid down, mouth tasting uncomfortably sweet, he tried to tell himself Wikipedia had been wrong. Because if it wasn’t, then he didn’t know what to do.
Sunoo managed to get to sleep after that awful night, but he woke up tired and in a bad mood. He sat up on his bed, and a frown was immediately plastered on his face. He opened his eyes slowly, and blinked a few times to catch his surroundings. The bedroom was empty, and it made him huff. Sunoo turned, grabbing for his phone, and it was past 10.
“Why didn’t anyone wake me up…”, he muttered to himself.
Sunoo didn’t have a schedule today, but still he didn’t like sleeping in. He liked starting his day by doing his skin-care routine as early as possible, and that was already ruined for him. With a groan, he threw the blanket off and put his feet on the wooden floor, and then got up. He needed a cup of coffee.
Opening the door to the bedroom he shared with Jungwon, Sunghoon, and Ni-ki, he felt the scent of food coming from the kitchen. He was hungry. And he needed to scold someone for not waking him up. Preferably Jungwon or Ni-ki, because acting out towards his hyungs wasn’t right.
Sunoo walked through the hall, and he could hear someone in the kitchen. He got to the end of the hall, and peaked over the corner of the wall, and saw Jungwon sitting there, drinking out of a glass with juice. Sunoo stepped out fully, and Jungwon looked up at him.
The younger man smiled at him.
“Morning hyung”, he said.
Sunoo frowned, not even caring to greet the leader back.
“Why didn’t anyone wake me up? It’s late”.
He saw Jungwon blink at the abrupt change in subject, before rolling his eyes.
“Hyung, you should start setting an alarm and not depend on others to do things for you”.
Oh . Sunoo felt his mood dip. Jungwon wanted a fight? Sunoo could fight. He was already in a bad mood, he could give as well as he could take.
But Jungwon spoke again, before Sunoo could start anything.
“Also, I heard you coughing last night, did you get sick? So I thought you needed some extra rest, hyung”.
Sunoo’s will to fight faded immediately, giving place for embarrassment. Jungwon had heard him? That was…
He swallowed, throat feeling dry all of a sudden.
“No, I’m… I’m, er- I’m okay. I think I ate something weird yesterday, I’m good now”. He couldn’t tell Jungwon the truth after all. Feeling bad for his prior annoyance, he continued. “Thanks for looking out for me, Wonie, but I’m fine, I promise”.
Jungwon nodded, giving him a smile.
“But you’d tell me, or any of the others, if you’re not, right?”
Sunoo swallowed again, and nodded.
“Of course, Wonie”, he lied.
With that, he gave the younger one a smile, and walked past the kitchen, going for the bathroom. Better late than never, he figured. 10 wasn’t that late, after all. His skin wouldn’t dry up just because he missed once or twice.
Also he needed to brush his teeth. He had the taste of a flower bouquet sticking to his tongue.
Funnily enough, the worst part about getting an obscure illness that ensued in coughing up flowers wasn’t actually the sore throat or the petals scattered over the floor. The worst part about it Sunoo found out on the fourth day since it all started.
It was evening, and Sunoo was lying on his bed, scrolling through social media to kill some time as he waited for his turn to use the bathroom. He looked up from his phone as the door was opened, and smiled at Ni-ki as the youngest came into view.
“Hyung”, Ni-ki said, in the process of drying his hair with a small towel. “You’re here?”
Sunoo nodded, locking his phone.
“Waiting for my turn to wash up”.
Ni-ki hummed, walking closer.
“That’s what happens when you suck at ‘rock, scissor, paper’”.
Sunoo squinted at him, but before he could retort, Ni-ki spoke again, stopping in front of his bed.
“Scoot over, hyung”.
Sunoo blinked, before rolling his eyes.
“You have your own bed, Riki-yah”.
Still, he did as he was asked, moving to the wall so Ni-ki could lay down next to him. What was the harm?
“Just for a little while”, he said, rolling over on his side so he was facing Sunoo. “It’s soon your turn in the bathroom after all”.
Sunoo hummed, turning to look at the maknae. Ni-ki looked soft and warm after his shower, and he smelled nice. Not for the first time, Sunoo thought that he had really grown well into his looks. During I-land, Ni-ki had been small and cute, his own height if not shorter, but now he was handsome. With his plum lips and his moles, with his tall and strong build, Ni-ki looked far from the kid he used to be. It made his heartbeats pick up.
Even more so, when Ni-ki met his eyes before looking away.
“You’re staring, hyung”.
Sunoo blinked, and turned his face away.
“Oh. Sorry”, he said, swallowing. His throat felt thick.
Ni-ki replied in a soft voice.
“It’s fine”, he said. His voice was so dark now.
Lately, Sunoo often couldn’t help the way his eyes went to Ni-ki. Like a magnet, they were pulled to the tall boy, he really couldn’t help it. Sure, sometimes the maknae drove him mad, but still he was fond of him. He knew Ni-ki’s teasing was good-natured. He had found a real friend in the younger man. It was only natural his eyes were pulled to him, he thought.
Like now, he couldn’t help but look at him again, even though he had already been caught once. Ni-ki had said it was fine, so what was the harm? And when Ni-ki looked up at him again, this time not averting his eyes, it was impossible to look away. They were just looking at each other, but still it felt so intense. Ni-ki was so pretty, and Sunoo suddenly wondered if the maknae thought he was pretty too. Sunoo knew he was good-looking, objectively speaking, but that didn’t matter if Ni-ki didn’t think so too.
Staring into Ni-ki’s eyes, Sunoo could tell his eyes were flickering over his face, and it made his heartbeats pick up, making him feel hot. What did Ni-ki actually see, when he looked at Sunoo?
Ni-ki’s eyes went back to meet his eyes, and Sunoo couldn’t read them. It did grab his attention though, the way Ni-ki’s tongue peeked out between his lips, wetting them. Sunoo swallowed, throat feeling thick, and his mouth suddenly had that sweet flavour again. The air felt tense, while he once more looked into Ni-ki’s eyes, and he was filled with an impulse all of a sudden. He wanted to lean in and taste Ni-ki’s lips, see if they tasted as good as Ni-ki smelled. He wanted to know what sort of sounds he could produce. He wanted to touch him.
Sunoo wanted to devour him.
Oh.
Oh .
Then the door was opened, and Sunghoon stepped inside. At the same time Sunoo felt that familiar pressing in his throat tenfold, followed by that specific flavour he had grown so accustomed to.
“Sunoo-yah”, the elder said. “The bathroom is yours”.
Immediately, Sunoo sat up. He needed to leave now. Ignoring the complaints from the boy laying next to him, he climbed over him, to make way to the door. He didn’t spare Ni-ki another glance, but he did force a smile at Sunghoon as he passed him by, unable to speak. Sunghoon smiled back, not seeming to notice anything being amiss, and then he hurriedly walked towards the bathroom.
The rest of the members were sitting in front of the tv, but thankfully didn’t notice him walking past. As soon as Sunoo was inside the bathroom, lock turned behind him, he turned on the shower to shield some noise before he got down on his knees in front of the toilet. And as soon as he parted his lips, he started coughing until purple lilies was everything that existed. Purple lilies and the memory of plum lips, so close he could almost taste them.
…
No, the worst part of it all wasn’t the illness itself. The worst part was realising he was in love with his group mate and friend. And that he didn’t love him back.