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The moment Tommy heard the click of the door, he knew he fucked up.
Techno was walking ahead, leaving both Tommy and the now locked door of their shared apartment behind - with the key locked inside.
Well, technically, it was Techno’s apartment – Tommy’s first rent payment way only due in a week, but he’d been here for so long that he considered it his own, too.
His older brother had drifted away from him growing up, attending university across the planet and shutting down even more soon after, not because of the timezone, but because of their parents’ ugly divorce. Tommy, being only thirteen, had sided with his mother, while Techno had sided with their father, setting them even further apart in the planes of existence until Tommy felt like he didn’t know him at all beyond the blood that they had somehow ended up sharing (maybe he didn’t, and the thought terrified him so much he tried not to think of it at all).
And then, when their oldest brother killed himself, Tommy knew it was over.
The last time he’d seen Techno was at Wilbur’s funeral – he’d flown back the day before, with heavy bags under his eyes suggesting that work wasn’t easy in… whatever Techno was doing at the moment. Tommy didn’t know, and he hated that. He’d attempted to make small talk, but that was hard when they were burying the only thing that was holding their families together, and especially when Techno very clearly didn’t want anything to do with his little brother. Tommy was only seventeen. He cried himself to sleep that night. (And for many more nights after that.)
He wasn’t sure if he could even call Techno his brother anymore.
After that, they didn’t see each other for seven years. Sure, Tommy had friends, but it wasn’t the same as having an older brother to call, to mess around with, to comfort, to know. Then, one day, Tommy ran into Techno in a cool-looking café in the town he’d moved into – literally. He’d almost spilled his coffee in a rush to meet the landlord of his new promised apartment, whipping around and barrelling into the older with full force, followed by immediately bouncing back to apologize profusely before realizing who he was facing.
Things sort of fell into place after that, with Techno taking Tommy in, although they still weren’t talking much – this being true especially for Technoblade, who very clearly still did not want anything to do with Tommy.
But they’d settled in. Mostly.
Now, Tommy was stood uncomfortably, debating whether or not to tell Techno about the key inside the lock. He knew the older didn’t have a spare – Tommy did, but the keys in the lock (on the other side, of course, curse Tommy’s luck) were Techno’s and his were on the counter inside. For fuck’s sake, he could practically see the keychain if he imagined it hard enough.
A gruff voice. “You comin’?”
His head shot up, and in a split-second decision, Tommy decided against saying a word about the keys. Techno was in a fairly good mood, and according to present Tommy, future Tommy could deal with the consequences of current Tommy’s actions.
So he nodded and followed Techno out of the apartment building and to the restaurant, trying to ignore the knot of anxiety gnawing at stomach the entire time in favour of dining out properly with Techno for the first time in over a decade.
It was almost 10 pm by the time they get back to their apartment, and Tommy was exhausted. He shuddered at the temperature change as they stepped into the building, yawning. Techno didn’t give him time to adjust; he headed straight for their apartment. Tommy was convinced the older’s actions were on instinct; he could swear Techno’s eyes were closed (he was clearly just as exhausted as Tommy).
Then Techno turned around. “D’you have the keys? Open the door, please.”
Tommy felt his heart sink; the knot in his stomach was back. “Well, uh, you see-”
“Tommy.” A warning; Techno’s tone made his blood run cold. “Where are the keys?”
“You won’t like the answer.”
“Tommy.”
The latter cringed, lifting a finger toward the front door. “In there…?” He shut his eyes.
He didn’t dare open them - even when no response came from Techno, even when he heard shuffling (though he closed in on himself slightly at feeling Techno come closer), even when Techno took a deep breath and then let it all out again, as if collecting the strength to utter his next words.
“You’re telling me, Tommy, that you locked the keys inside the apartment?” He nodded slowly, and then faster, feeling like a little kid getting caught stealing candy.
Techno sighed loudly, turning past Tommy and making his way down the hall.
Tommy’s eyes flew open and he rushed after Techno. “Hey, wait. Techno, wait.”
The older was taking steps the size of Tommy’s torso and not slowing down anytime soon. “Techno, please. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me here.” Techno stopped abruptly at that, giving Tommy a weird look over his shoulder.
“We need to stay somewhere for the night - we can’t just stand here for the next twelve hours.” Tommy flinched at his tone but nodded. Then, a thought came to him.
“Hey Techno,” the other, who’d started walking again, stopped to face him properly now. Tommy took a deep breath before continuing. “Are you- how do you feel about sleeping under the open sky?”
“What?”
Tommy hesitated briefly; he hadn’t shared this spot with anyone since moving in - it was his secret, his comfort. But he knew this was a chance to be with Techno - and a chance to stay somewhere bearable.
“I, uh, know a place. On the roof - we can stay there for the night. If you want to. It’s safe!” He added the last part quickly, taking two steps backwards down the hall and towards the stairs.
“On the roof?”
“Yeah? I mean, unless you want to find a cheap motel for the night. I don’t think anything’s open this late though.”
Techno stood, considering the younger’s words.
This is it, Tommy told himself. Techno’s gonna leave me here again to find somewhere to stay and let me get my own place alone.
Then Techno looked up and caught Tommy’s eye. He hadn’t noticed their shine before - a stunning green color he’d got from their father which glimmered like a long-lost emerald.
“Lead the way.”
Tommy did a double take. “What?”
“I said let’s do it.”
Tommy couldn’t move until the words sank in, at which point he whirled around and stumbled toward the stairs. Together they climbed one flight, two flights, all the way to the top, where Tommy turned around.
“Boost me.”
Techno raised a suspicious eyebrow. “Where to?”
Tommy looked straight up to the hatch above his head. Techno sighed, understanding, and offered his hand for Tommy’s foot. The latter launched himself up using his help and opened the latch, pulling down the ladder.
“I’d imagine this isn’t strictly legal,” his brother mumbled as he began to climb the ladder.
“Nope.”
Only when Tommy had reached the top following Techno did he freeze up, registering what he’d done.
For the first time since Wilbur’s funeral, he called Techno his brother.
“Look at this.”
The younger’s eyes snapped up, watching Techno stand with his head tilted up. He’d put his bag down on the floor beside him, leaning against a chimney. But most shockingly, he was smiling. Tommy’s eyes widened at that as he stepped closer, trying to figure out what had caused this rare phenomenon. He stood next to Techno and followed the older’s line of sight, heart skipping multiple beats at the sight above him.
Tommy was stood staring at the most stunning set of stars he had seen since he was young.
He found himself buried in a long-lost memory – camping with his family, before Techno went off to university, before his mother started to cheat, before Wilbur died.
Their parents had already gone to bed in their own tent while the boys laid down in their own. Tommy had been half asleep when he had felt Wilbur shake him, smiling lopsidedly.
“Toms, Tech, come on. I want to show you something.” Wilbur always called their middle sibling Tech, and since he’d died, Tommy couldn’t bring himself to. He wondered if Techno felt the same about calling him Toms.
“What is it?” Even in the darkness, Tommy had been able to see the sparkles in Techno’s eyes. He missed those times, when rather than being tired constantly, Techno was constantly up for adventure.
“Come and see, Tech. You’ll love it, I promise. Both of you.” So Tommy had dragged himself out of bed, stealing Wilbur’s beanie off his head (prompting a glare from the other, though Wilbur could never be mad at him) and slipping out of the tent quietly in order to not wake their parents. Wilbur dragged them slightly out from the camp, but neither had felt unsafe – they both trusted Wilbur with their lives.
At one point in a clearing, Wilbur had stopped abruptly. “We’re here.”
“Where, exactly?”
“Sit down with me.” They had both done so, with Wilbur in the middle. He hadn’t stopped there, though, dragging them both further down to lay on either side of him.
“What are you doing? You’ll ruin our clothes!”
“Don’t worry, Tech. It’ll wash out. Life is too short to worry about such bullshit.” Tommy had giggled at that – he liked hearing his brother swear. It made him feel rebellious, too, even though he wasn’t doing anything. (But Wilbur would get in trouble every time.)
Once the trio had gotten comfortable, Wilbur smiled. “Look up.”
Tommy had, the air catching in his throat. In his then eight years of life, he had never seen so many stars in one place – thousands, maybe even millions, scattered across the sky in a wonderful shapes.
“Wilbur?”
“What is it, Toms?” He had lifted a finger to point at a bright star.
“What star is that?” Wilbur had smiled and wrapped an arm around each of them before he began explaining.
Now, almost two decades later, Tommy stood with only one of his brothers, watching the stars. The light pollution out here was much less than where they had lived, and he remembered how Wilbur had always wished to live in a place like this to see more stars. “Think about it,” he’d said. “There’s so much out there that we haven’t explored. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see it, even from this far?”
He teared up at the memory, but wiped his eyes at the sound of Techno shuffling. Turning to face him, he realised he’d sat down.
“Well, should we watch the stars? Not like there’s much else to do up here.”
Tommy smiled at that. “Sure.”
The ground was hard and cold, but Tommy didn’t care as long as he wasn’t alone. They lay side by side in silence, watching the night sky. Although he forced his thoughts to focus on his oldest brother and the shapes he’d studied meticulously, Tommy couldn’t remember any of the constellations Wilbur had taught them about. The thought broke his heart.
“Techno?” The latter made a noise of acknowledgement. “D’you think, if we’d talked to him more, if our parents hadn’t gotten divorced, if… I don’t know.” He huffed before trying again, speaking more slowly. “Do you think, if we’d done something differently, Wilbur would still be here?”
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Techno turn to face him. “Wilbur dying isn’t your fault. You couldn’t have changed anything, even if you knew. Wasting your thoughts on what ifs isn’t going to change anything – it’ll just make you feel worse.”
“I just… I don’t know. Wilbur always had such a love for life, you know? Why would he throw it away like that?” He hated how his voice cracked at the end of the sentence.
“I wish I knew, Tommy.” He reached over, squeezing Tommy’s hand. The latter tensed at the contact slightly – beyond bumping into each other weeks ago, Techno hadn’t even let their elbows touch. The older pulled his hand away.
They faded back into silence, watching the stars. Cars passed below, zooming in and out of Tommy’s life as their paths crossed momentarily without even realizing. He wondered what their lives were like; if they lived, loved, and lost as much as, or even more than he did. He wondered if there was another Wilbur, another Techno, another him out there, who lived together happily.
“Tommy?”
“Hm? Yeah?”
“When you told me you didn’t have the keys and I turned to find a motel, did you think I was gonna leave you here?”
“Well, uh, I mean, we haven’t really talked for years, and you let me stay with you even though I know you don’t want anything to do with me, and I… yeah. I guess I did. But it’s fine, it’s been a while.” Tommy didn’t understand why he was letting himself be so vulnerable. Maybe it was the fact that they were under the night sky, and the closest to Wilbur they could be while alive.
“Tommy. Listen to me. I wouldn’t leave you behind. Ever. I lost you seven years ago… Actually, that’s not true. I lost you long before that, when Mom and Dad started arguing and we took different sides.” Tommy remembered the fights. He tried to push the thought away. “But I shouldn’t have let that come between us. I should have called you more often. I should’ve listened. I should’ve been there, especially when Wilbur died…” Even so many years later, this was a hard topic. “I left you to grieve on your own. I didn’t even talk to you at the funeral. What I did was messed up. I should have been there.”
You should have, is what the bitter side of Tommy wanted to say. Instead, he said, “You were grieving too, Techno. We both needed time to process things.”
“I know. I was grieving too, but I shouldn’t have left you alone. You’re my last living family that I give two fucks about and I missed so much of your life. Seven years... I don’t even want to think about it. But I missed you. So much. And I’m sorry. I promise I’ll stay with you this time.”
Tommy turned to face him, laying on his side. “Techno, what- I-I’m sorry, too. And I missed you so much… the thought of losing one brother was enough, but two was unbearable. I hated it. But Techno, where did this come from?”
"Hold on." Techno ignored the question, choosing to sit up and reach for his bag instead. He dug around in it, mumbling a curse to himself before pulling something out, shoulders dropping.
“I-This ended up with me after the funeral. I thought you should have it.” He handed a red fabric blob to Tommy, who, upon unfolding it, recognized it instantly.
“Wilbur’s beanie? Why-”
“I wanted to give it to you at dinner. I’ve been trying to gather the courage since we ran into each other at that café, but the moment never seemed right. I think you should have it.” He laid back down next to Tommy, trying not to look at the younger as he put the beanie in his lap.
“Techno,” Tommy started carefully, clearly not knowing how to approach the subject. “What aren't you telling me?”
Techno didn't respond, even after Tommy laid back down beside him. After a few minutes, Tommy looked at his brother and was surprised to find tears in his eyes (Calling him his brother made him euphoric. He never thought he’d have this chance again). They made eye contact, and Techno mumbled something.
“What was that?”
Another slightly louder mumble. “I should’ve known. I should’ve stopped him.”
Tommy’s heart sank. “You know it would’ve gone this way anyway. Dwelling on what ifs won’t change anything. You said it yourself.”
“No, Tommy. I mean I knew.”
“What?”
By the way Techno curls in on himself, it is clear that he expects Tommy to punch him. Maybe do worse. But Tommy is too shocked to throw a punch if he wanted to.
“A week before he died, Wilbur and I got drunk together. Well, he got drunk. I mostly stayed sober; I didn’t want to be hungover the next day. He spent an hour ranting to me about the meaning of life – I don’t know what. I was too tired to listen properly. And then I remember, he said, and I won’t forget this as long as I live, he said he wished he could move freely between life and death. Like, die and then come back. It confused me at the time, but I thought it was just drunken words. I’ve never told anyone about this, but I wish I did. I wish I’d listened properly. I wish I’d asked. It was the last time I talked to him.” By the end, there were tears streaming down his face.
Tommy’s heart broke; what had they endured without each other?
The younger curled into his side, hugging him. Techno hugged back, like when he would whenever Tommy had nightmares as a kid. He put the beanie between them, as if it were Wilbur, hugging them as when they had been little, except they were hugging it this time, not the other way round.
“It’s not your fault.” He whispered.
“I know,” a sniffle, “I just wish I’d done things differently.”
“Me too. I miss him. So much.”
“So do I. Every single day.”
“He’s proud of us. I know that.”
Techno’s eyes clear up slightly at that, and he looks up at the sky. Tommy follows his gaze. “Yeah. I know he is.”
They fall asleep like that, and Tommy can swear he feels Wilbur stroking his hair, smiling down at them both.
(He can hear his voice too, but he’d never admit it.)