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It was the second time that they had sex that Cassian realized it— somehow, after everything they had been through, she was still self-conscious. It would have been endearing had Cassian been stupid.
He waited patiently at the door for her to return home, feeling more like a dog than anything. When she did come in, he pretended he hadn’t been pacing and gave her a grin. “How was it?”
She sighed, walking passed him, not seeing the way he reached for her. “It was good. The kids were great.” She had started a school for Illyrian children, whose parents hadn’t been able to afford to educate them. All ages were allowed, though the adult classes would be taught different days of the week. “You’d be amazed at how few of them even knew the alphabet.”
Cassian’s smile flickered. There had been a time when he hadn’t known the alphabet.
Nesta turned to him and caught the look before he could hide it. “You know, you could come in. Read to them. Show them all your shiny stuff.”
“Shiny stuff? You mean weapons?”
She laughed lightly, drifting into his arms. “Whatever you call it.”
He held her tight, breathing in the scent of her conditioner still clinging to her hair. “I missed you. You never left my mind while you were gone.”
She blushed, tucking her head just below his chin. “That doesn’t sound very productive.”
“Actually, I’ll have you know it was very productive.” He ran a hand down her arm to bring her fingers to his lips. “I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things I want to do to you.”
“Oh?”
“Yes.” He lifted her chin between thumb and forefinger to kiss her lightly on the lips. “If you will let me.”
“Yes.”
His kiss turned savage. He split open her tongue with his lips, delving into her mouth with the thirst of a man in a desert.
But he pulled back sooner than he was ready, overwhelmed with the thought of taking her to his room. Of taking her. Lifting her effortlessly, he earned himself a little gasp of surprise. He carried her up the stairs, his lips not once leaving her neck even to kick open the door.
Then he threw her on the bed.
Nesta laughed, propping herself on her elbows to watch him shed his shirt. He grinned at her, yanking her by the ankles to the edge of the bed. She sat up to kiss him properly, hands moving over his bare chest.
He, however, was more focused on her pants. “What the fuck is up with these buttons?” he growled before giving up and peeling them as well as her underwear from her.
Then he dipped his head to that glistening center of hers, pulling her legs around his shoulders. Last time, he hadn’t gotten to properly appreciate what a work of art she was, and he wasn’t proud of it. But now…
Nesta tugged on his hair, closing her legs before he could begin. “Just fuck me,” she breathed onto his mouth, fumbling with his trousers.
“I was getting to that,” he snarled softly, but let her nudge them down with her heels.
She gripped him, earning a soft moan. Then she whispered the words that undid him. “I need you inside me.”
“Fuck.” He slid his fingers into her wet heat, mouth on her neck. “Already so wet for me. My good girl.”
She groaned as he pumped his fingers in and out of her, preparing her for him. “Please,” she whined, pulling him forward. “Please, just fuck me.”
Cassian hummed, his body thrumming with a need to see her pleasure before he began on his. But… if that’s what she wanted.
Rolling onto his back, he brought Nesta with him, earning a hiss of displeasure.
‘What are you doing?” she growled.
He gripped the hem of her shirt, guiding it over her head. “I’ve had a long day. I want you on top tonight.”
Her eyes widened. “Cassian, I don’t know how….”
“I’ll teach you,” he murmured, sitting up to capture her mouth in his. “But tonight, I want to see you move.”
Her cheeks were crimson, so he kissed those too. But when he made to lay back down, she gripped his shoulders, lifting herself up to line up her entrance with him. They both moaned as she sank down to the hilt, her body trembling slightly. Gods, she was so tight like this. So fucking tight and warm. He thought he was going to combust.
Hands on her hips, he guided her into a simple rhythm. “That’s it. Just like that.” He kissed her throat as she groaned quietly. “Good girl.”
With that, he lay back down to watch the view, but Nesta stopped, covering her chest with her arms as she looked anywhere but his eyes.
“What is it?” he asked, shifting his hips slightly. “What’s wrong?”
“I just…” She didn’t answer, holding herself tighter.
Cassian propped himself on an elbow, studying her for a moment before he realized it. “Sweetheart, why are you hiding?”
She shook her head, biting down on the plushness of her lip.
Cassian, who had never seen her be anything other than confident, was shocked. So he took a different approach. Gripping her wrists, he guided her arms away from her chest, revealing those stunning breasts to him. She shuddered, nipples pebbling.
“Look at you,” he whispered, leaning in to take one in his mouth. “Absolutely stunning. Don’t you ever hide yourself from me. I want to see you.”
She pulled her arms away from him, covering her chest again. “It’s best that you don’t.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m not… I thought it would be easier if you didn’t have to look at all my imperfections.”
And there it was. Cassian cursed himself a fool. Last time had been quick— too quick. He’d been too focused on being inside of her, on making her understand. They hadn’t even full shed their clothes. He’d simply yanked down her pants and bent her over the counter, pausing only to prepare her for his entrance. Fuck.
“Get up,” Cassian said, lifting her off of him. “I want to show you something.”
Nesta slid from the bed, taking a sheet with her. Cassian sat on the edge, tugging on said sheet until she let go and it fluttered to the ground.
“Show me these ‘imperfections,’” he ordered, staring her down.
“What?”
“Show me. I want to see what you’re talking about.”
“Cassian—”
“Nesta.”
Her lower lip wobbled a bit, but she brushed her thumbs under the swell of each breast. “There are stretch marks here and—” Her hands slid over her hips. “Here. And a scar from when I went after Feyre in the woods.” Down her ribs, it was barely visible. She clutched her stomach. “There’s too much extra fat. I don’t have the waist I once did. And my hips are too long. My breasts aren’t the same size. My thighs are too vein-ey”
Cassian took it all in, eyes following every detail she pointed out. He kept his face carefully neutral until she was finished. Then he pulled her closer. Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to that scar on her ribs. “This means you are an incredible sister. It means you fought.” He kissed the underside of each breast, hands sliding over her hips. “These mean that you are so incredible, your skin struggled to contain it. They are a reflection of how much soul is trapped inside.” He traced a stretch mark across her the back of her thigh in wonder. Then he went up to her stomach, where she had gripped it so hard that there were fading red fingerprints. “This means you’re finally healthy after struggling for so long.” A kiss to her hip. “These long hips and uneven breasts— not even noticeable. But they make you human. Seeing your imperfections makes you human and makes you perfect.” He ran his finger across the vein of one thigh. “And these show me that there is blood in there, pumping from a heart that could crush mountains. Nothing about you was made for you to be ashamed of.”
At the sound of a soft sniffle, he lifted his gaze to hers.
Tears were streaming down her cheeks. “I have my mother’s eyes.” Those words were enough for him to understand. He had heard of her mother from Feyre— the cold hearted woman who left behind three girls that would never get to know the proper embrace of a parent.
Cassian wiped away those tears, even if they kept coming. “No. You have eyes like silver flames. You have eyes that could swallow me whole. You have Nesta’s eyes.”
She brought her hands up, but not to cover herself this time. Those elegant fingers wrapped around his wrists, not to pull them away, but just to hold.
He tugged her closer, wrapping his arms around her to rest his head over that beating heart. Her body trembled slightly in his embrace, but for only a moment before her arms came around his head.
“I know you don’t fully believe me,” he said, pulling back, “but I hope you will in time.”
“Cass….”
“For now, however, you will let me worship you properly.”