Chapter Text
Jay has always been a little gloomy. Not because his life was unfulfilling or uninteresting. Actually, it was the opposite of that. His dad being the CEO of a touring agency made every day exciting: traveling overseas, enjoying different foods, and meeting new people. During these times Jay would forget his deepest thoughts until night would come, and he would meet them again, lingering in the darkest corners of his room.
I’m thankful for the things that I have but why do I still feel so empty?
Becoming a trainee was a decision made by Jay after suddenly discovering his love for music. He was musically talented even at a young age: he quickly learned to play the guitar as well as sing, but it didn’t get noticed until his teenage years. After getting into the company, he became one of the best trainees, which made others wary of him. Jay's personality didn’t help the situation either, making him somewhat a loner. He didn't have many friends and the rainy cloud over his head only seemed to get bigger.
Until one ordinary day in June became the most important day in Jay's life. 1st of June, to be specific, was the day Jay finally saw a glimpse of sunshine in a form of a man. A tall, dark-haired young man, whose beauty Jay couldn't compare to anything, simply because in his eyes there was nothing as beautiful as this person.
For the first couple of weeks, Jay was motivated to talk to the new trainee, but there was a problem. He was scared. Scared of rejection. Scared of others’ reactions. Scared of being made fun of. He kept telling himself he needed to wait for the right time.
Sadly, the waiting went on for months and months until one day Jay and this new trainee were left alone in the studio after another exhausting dance practice. At this point, Jay doesn't recall the details of how and why they were there alone, he was busy thinking of a thousand different reasons as to why that day wasn’t the “right time” to talk to him. While he was busy panicking in his head the handsome trainee slowly made his way toward him, and Jay saw his mouth start moving.
"Hey. I've seen you around a lot, but we never got to talk. I'm Sunghoon."
Jay was floored. He wanted to scream and kick his feet like a child. This Sunghoon guy had the most honey-like voice Jay has ever heard. He sounded like a siren luring him into a trap he doesn’t want to escape from.
"H-hi. I'm Jay." That is all he could say.
"Don't be nervous, I don't bite Jay." Sunghoon replied whilst chuckling.
This was it; Jay was about to combust on the spot. And the reason for it was non-other than Sunghoon himself. Which looking back now seems ridiculous. Or should seem if Jay wasn't still in love with him...
From that night on Jay and Sunghoon became close friends. This was a huge surprise to a lot of the other trainees:
What is Sunghoon doing with the gloomy Jay? Is this real? They are like night and day. Do you think they’re actually friends or does Sunghoon only feel bad for him?
Jay could hear the whispers, but he chose not to listen because now he had a reason to smile every day he woke up. But the close friendship soon turned into something more. Lingering stares across the room, the change in the atmosphere when they’re together, hands that would innocently find each other touching. It was frustrating. Jay was going crazy so this time he decided to not be the scaredy-cat and asked Sunghoon out. Sunghoon was surprised but happy and they soon became a couple.
Everyone that was skeptical of their friendship at first was now congratulating them and saying how well they fit together. (In Jay’s mind, it was kind of funny, but he kept it to himself.)
Their different personalities complemented each other. Jay was the more serious, reserved type, sometimes grumpy, but easily flustered. Sunghoon was the sunshine, flirty, someone, who knew how to express their feelings well.
Unfortunately, after a while, their training got harder, and it was difficult to make time for each other. Late-night snack dates became rare, texts were shorter, and being close physically was out of the picture, leaving only the digital I love you’s as the only form of intimacy.
Even if debuting was a #1 priority to Sunghoon, Jay thought of Sunghoon as his #1 priority, no matter what and that's when things became difficult. Jay was trying so hard to keep the relationship going, always thinking of Sunghoon and his needs first, because that was the only thing that kept him sane, and he was scared of losing someone he loved. Sadly, Sunghoon didn’t seem to reciprocate, and Jay felt heartbroken. He knew everything in this relationship was pointing in one direction. Down. It was only a matter of time before they would hit the rock bottom, and even when they did Jay still couldn’t believe it was happening.
"I'm thinking about the future and... I don't think we are compatible in the long run Jongseong... I'm sorry."
Bullshit.
Nonsense.
You're lying.
"Why? We’re both going to I-land as we planned, so why now? Can't we debut together like we always planned? Please Sunghoon..."
Tears were falling and Jay couldn't help but feel completely defeated. The person that made him happy, that made this curse over his head go away was the same person that is now bringing the curse back.
"I love you Jongseong, but I just simply can't keep up with this relationship. This isn’t easy for me, and you know it. I just don't want to get hurt in the long run. I hope you debut Jongseong-ah."
Sunghoon said flashing a sad smile before walking away, a silent tear falling down his cheek.
That was the end of their relationship and the start of their lives as soon-to-be idols. Jay and Sunghoon both went to I-land to pursue their dreams. During the whole contest, they tried avoiding each other. Or more like Sunghoon was trying to avoid Jay at all costs. This hurt Jay because he still wasn't over their break-up and Sunghoon looked more than fine.
Is he really okay?
He got over us so fast.
Did he even love me?
These thoughts crossed Jay's mind daily, but with nobody to answer them, Jay soon learned how to shut his brain and ignore them.
Now is the time to train even harder and improve as an artist, I can cry over the break-up after I debut.
"With 1,088,413 votes comes in 6th place... Sunghoon Park!"
The cheering was overwhelming. Even if Jay was happy for Sunghoon, he didn't have the time to react, when his own name was called.
"With 1,182,889 votes in 2nd place... Jay Park!"
He couldn't believe it. He was going to debut. Finally, after two years of training, he earned this place with his blood, sweat, and tears.
For a moment Jay finally felt worthy, like everything he ever wanted was in the palm of his hand.
That was until the next day when the adrenaline was gone, and Jay realized he was debuting with no other than Park Sunghoon himself.
Jay thought he was being punished, that the universe was making a conspiracy against him. He thought this couldn't get more ridiculous, but it did. Jay soon had to face the reality of still loving his ex even if Sunghoon was colder than ice. As time passed and the group got nearer to their debut, Jay tried to stay neutral and pretend that nothing ever happened between them. Soon though, as the members became close, everyone started noticing the tension in the air when Jay and Sunghoon were together. This made the members suspicious, a couple of whispers here and there but nothing too much.
Now the boys have already debuted and are on a break before getting ready for their 1st comeback. The debut went smoothly, everyone was happy and the popularity that Enhypen got only made the members more confident. Yes, Jay was confident in his skills on stage, but not so much in his emotions. The break they were on only made things worse as Jay was home most of the time meaning he would see Sunghoon frequently.
The situation made Jay more stressed than it should have. He knew it was ridiculous, he couldn’t help but think about Sunghoon. Did he regret breaking up? Is it hard acting like nothing ever happened? These thoughts completely broke Jay down. He might have tried not showing it to others, but he’s a gentle soul, he gets emotional more than he cares to admit.
Jay decided that the best idea was to talk to Sunghoon. Yes, a completely absurd idea, which probably wouldn’t result in anything, but Jay insisted to try. And now he’s in front of a door. Someone’s door.
*Knock*
“Yes?”
“Can I come in?”
“O-oh… sure.” Sunghoon sounded more than not sure about it and Jay could tell.
He could always tell, they dated for more than a year, he knew Sunghoon like the back of his hand.
“I wanted to talk.” Jay said whilst sitting down on the stairs to the top bunk. Sunghoon’s bunk.
“About what?”
Suddenly Sunghoon’s tone seemed cold, and Jay couldn’t figure out what changed in those few seconds.
“About us.”
Silence filled the air. The tension could be felt from a mile away. It suddenly felt cool, so cool it seemed to freeze the time and space in the small dorm room with two bunk beds. Seconds of silence seemed like hours and finally, Jay decided to break them.
“I know we broke up but… how can you act like nothing happened between us? I know you can feel it when we’re close. I even heard the members whispering. I just want to know how can you be so okay?”
Jay’s voice was barely a whisper, and he wasn’t sure Sunghoon could even hear him, but he knew that if he spoke any louder, he would die of embarrassment, especially if anyone else heard this conversation.
“Jay- “
“You don’t even call me Jongseong anymore…” Jay's voice wad filled with bitter.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, it’s already been so long, why are you still hung up on me?”
Sunghoon’s voice got louder, and his cheeks painted a rosy color. This is an indication for Jay to stop because Sunghoon is frustrated, and Jay knows not to push him. But he does.
“I want you to say that you still care.”
Silence. Sigh.
“I can’t do that Jay. We’re not the same, a lot of things changed. I changed. Please stop trying to make us work.” A frown formed on Sunghoon’s face as he laid down on his bunk bed.
“Please just go Jay. There’s nothing between us anymore. We are idols now. Isn’t this what you wanted all along? Us debuting together. Well, you got it, please just move on already. I really don’t want to have this conversation again.”
Jay was stunned.
“You are so selfish Sunghoon… After everything that we have been through this is the only thing you can say to me?” Jay scoffs. “I can’t beg you to love me but pretending that nothing happened and acting so cold is just plain cruel. I hope you regret this, Sunghoon, I really do.”
And with these words, Jay left. He left Sunghoon’s room physically, but mentally he also left his heart there, on the stairs of the small bunk bed, bleeding from being torn apart. That night Jay thought there was no going back, he can’t keep falling for Sunghoon, he can’t keep lying to himself and wishing for a miracle to happen.