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He could save both of them the pain... He could just put on his clothes and disappear before the first rays of early summer sun lightened up the bedroom. It would be easier that way. Without soppy goodbyes. Without promises that all of this bullshit will soon be over.
He slipped his hand under the pillow and took out a letter filled with his mother's careful handwriting. He skimmed through it once more, looking for any weakness, any way out of this mess that his life has become. He knew carrying the Malfoy name came with privileges and more importantly with certain expectations he now knew he was never going to meet. And yet he realized there was in fact no way out and once he returns to the Manor, everything will change. Two years… Sounds like a lifetime. And will probably feel like that too. Two years of playing a part he was born into yet which was painfully ill-fitted. Everything has been planned for him before even learned how to spell his name. Did Astoria have a say in this? He knew the answer to this question all too well. Either way they both had to face the reality and become a part of this circus now and fully commit if they ever wanted to be free again.
He was pretty sure Harry’s going to kill him once he hears about it. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad? He got used to dealing with his anger, even with the more and more frequent spite towards him. Without batting an eyelid he listened through his rants about how they have to hide still after the four years they’ve been together. The only years he felt alive in his entire life. But it wasn’t the anger that he was afraid of… It’s the pain that he knew he was going to cause to Harry. That pain which will turn his pretty green eyes all foggy and empty again. And the indifferent expression which will appear on this beloved face will hurt him like a dagger in the heart. He didn’t know there was a pain in this world which could compare to the one he felt when realized that all of what they were fighting for for so long will turn into dust and pour between their fingers. This time he was sure he was going to break his heart… He knew and there was nothing he could do about it.
There was a moment that felt like everything bad was already behind them. The pretended relationships, suspicious looks, faked smiles, empty words and loveless kisses. All of this was bearable because the thought of him waiting at home made his heart feel warm and safe. But even the bravest and patient ones won’t wait forever. He didn’t want to admit, even before himself, that the man lying next to him in this very moment was the one who kept him from falling apart for the last few months. If it wasn’t for him, maybe he wouldn’t be here anymore…
- Knock, knock…
From the left side on the bed he heard a slightly sleepy growl which suddenly cut the stream of thought going through his head.
-Who’s there? – he answered, leaning in and kissing Harry on the forehead.
- Water…
So he was in a good mood since he was starting this morning with a joke. He decided not to ruin this for both of them just yet. It might be the last time they get to do this and he wanted to cherish this moment.
- Water who?
- Water you doing there, you sexy beast? – he murmured in his ear, sending a shiver down his spine.
Draco put a hand over Harry’s hand which started travelling down his chest and tried his best to smile.
- This one I haven’t heard before… Listen, Harry, I need to go. I’m expected at the Manor in an hour.
- You barely even got here… Can’t you stay just for a couple hours? – he asked, brushing his cheek with his lips. - We could do a rerun of yesterday’s evening…
- Trust me, there’s nothing I’d rather do.
He went to stroke Harry’s hair, still messy from the very few hours of sleep, with his hand only to stop mid-air. He hesitated. Does any of what he wanted to do made any sense? He shouldn’t be doing this to him especially since he had to tell him the truth. But the heart was saying, loud and clear, that it was the only thing that might make Harry stay no matter what was going to happen next. He turned to the nightstand where his ultimate lifebelt was, carefully hidden. If he won’t take it, they are both going to drown.
- Knock, knock… - Draco said with a pent voice, feeling a metallic coldness in his palm.
- Who’s there?
Harry’s eyes travelled to his face, as he sat up on the bed, impatient like a child, waiting for the solving of the puzzle.
- Marry.
- Marry who?
- Marry me…
Harry looked at him confused, with that silly smile on his face. He was waiting for the rest of the joke. Instead, all he heard was piercing silence.
- Harry…
- Come on, Draco. I want to hear the rest! – he put his hand in his, squeezing it encouragingly. The glimmer of silver in the open hand caught his eye.
His green eyes were fixed on the silver ring as the smile on his face was slowly replaced with wonder. A tint of pink appeared on his cheeks, and his breath slightly picked up the pace, still distinguishable in the sound of the rain outside the window. Now he turned his eyes away from the ring right up onto Draco’s face. He slowly put together individual parts of this morning, as if he wasn’t able to process that what he was dreaming of for so long was finally happening. With his fingertips he lightly grazed the cool edge of the ring, which was gradually becoming warmer from Draco’s touch. The outer side of the ring was decorated with engraved letters, forming the inscription: “For your eyes only”. Harry took it out of his hand and took a closer look at it, tossling it between his fingers. Draco tentatively raised the corners of his lips, his eyes never leaving Harry’s face. Invisible to the eyes of outsiders, it the ring was supposed to leave a mark on the recipient's skin after wearing it for some time. The inscription was a small letter „D”, which was to mark Harry as his forever.
There was no hesitation. Harry put it on the ring finger of his left hand and brushed a single strand of blonde hair out of his forehead. The light in his eyes became brighter than it’s ever been. He was glowing.
- I gave you an answer to that question already – he said smiling softly at Draco. – Even though for you it was just a joke then, I was serious. Of course I’ll marry you, Draco.
There was a single tear rolling down Draco’s cheek. Harry wiped it with his lips and looked him in the eyes. Their lips met in a gentle kiss, oh so bittersweet harmony. One of them cried happy tears, tasting every sigh of love from his lovers mouth. The other cried from the sorrow for the time he couldn’t turn back. How he wished to go back to the moment he agreed to become a part of the plan his family laid for him, thereby condemning himself and Harry to play these roles for so long. There was nothing he could do now. One careless step ahead and they both could be swallowed by the abyss.
- I can’t believe you have to leave me now after this – Harry added, caressing his temple. – When will I see you again?
- Harry... I won’t be able to come for some time.
- What do you mean “for some time”? How long are we talking?
- T… two years.
- You aren’t serious, are you? You won’t be able to come back home for the next two years? – he asked in disbelief, just to add with a sweet smile now appearing on his face. – Fine, mister Malfoy. In that case, I’ll inconvenience myself and go with you wherever you’re going. It will take a little bit of work and some arrangements will need to be made but where there's a will, there's a way, right?
- You can’t come with me, Harry. No one can see us together.
- We were together for four years, all these stolen moments and no one has ever found out. You know damn well we can pull it off again, even if we’re somewhere outside London.
- I can’t… We can’t risk it. If anyone found out about us they’ll ruin our lives, your life. Do you get it now? I can’t risk your life like that.
Harry squeezed his hand a little harder than he wanted to. He looked at this face he loved so much, always perfect. Only then he acknowledged how much he changed in the last year. Shallow wrinkles around the eyes almost disappeared since he rarely smiled with his eyes anymore. A subtle stubble aged him ever so slightly. His skin became even more pale and weirdly gray. The sparkle in his eyes died out before he could do anything to prevent it.
- Is this your final say? – Harry asked, trying to stop the tears pooling in the corners of his eyes.
- Harry…
- In that case you should keep it.
Harry took the silver ring off of his finger and gave it to the petrified Draco. He stood up, covering his naked body with a shirt he ripped of off him so quickly last night. The bed they shared turned from a sacred love oasis into a cold tomb. Draco hid his face in his hands, quietly dissolving in tears. Harry felt the pain ripping his heart looking down at his naked finger where the ring left a subtle “D” mark.
- I’m sorry, Draco. I can’t live like this anymore. Today I thought that finally it was all going to change. But turns out you just wanted to distract me for some time. I’ve always told you that I’m not going to leave your side, no matter what happens – he said and his voice broke. His fingertips kept coming back to the mark still visible on his skin. – I wanted this to work so badly. I really did but I can’t wait and look at how you’re letting them take what we have away from you because you’re too scared to stand up for what you want. I’m no longer scared of who I am and I’m not coming back to the closet, shamed and afraid. Never again. I am ready to give up everything for you. Why don’t you want to do the same for me?
- I would die for you – a cry escaped his lips.
- I don’t want you to die for me. I want you to live for yourself and live with me. So tell them who you really are. End the whole circus with Astoria, set her free, and more importantly let yourself free – he whispered leaning in close to him. – Close this chapter and let yourself start a new one… with me.
- Harry… I can’t do this. I can’t leave it all. My family, Astoria, she knows it’s only temporary. If we don’t play it right way, it will hurt her too. I’m begging you. Don’t leave me now… It won’t take long. We did it for four years. We can do it for two more. I promise it won’t be forever. Give us one last chance.
He closed his reddened eyes and searched for Harry’s lips with his own. He kissed him hungrily, greedily, desperatel tasting salty tears left on his mouth. He tangled his fingers in his messy hair, with every touch begging him to stay. Harry took a step back, breaking the kiss and wiping off the wet trail on Draco’s cheek with his thumb. He looked at him, into those silver grey eyes searching for the will to fight, for the fire he once saw and loved ever since. Yet all he saw now was resignation. He caressed his cheek once more and stood up.
- I was sure we were going to going to grow old together… It seems you didn’t want this as bad as I did – he said, collecting his clothes from the floor. – You can stay here and get ready. I’ll leave.
Draco knew there was no point in stopping him. It made him so proud how strong Harry got in the period of these four years. He will do well without him. As for himself Draco wasn’t so sure. He watched the love of his life go away, one last time seeing him trying to smooth his hair and adjust the collar of his shirt. He was leaving. Draco disappeared in the bathroom, letting the running water drawn out the sound of the front door closing behind Harry.