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It was late evening when the door into Katsuragi apartment finally hissed open. Shinji shoved aside his unfinished homework and jumped up from the chair.
"Asuka, is that you?"
Shinji heard the sound of shoes being taken off. Then she entered the room. Asuka didn't say the traditional "I'm home!" he would have expected from anyone else in her place. Asuka looked at him and sent him a short nod instead. It was okay, she was a foreigner after all. She looked very tired and sad.
"Where have you been?"
Asuka poured herself a glass of water and drank it slowly.
"Just walked around the city."
"Did something happen?"
"No. Why are you asking? Were you worried?"
Yes, he was, but he didn't say it aloud. He hoped a slight blush didn't betray his feelings.
"Ah, I see. Misato assigned you another duty. Sorry for the inconvenience, third."
It wasn't like that. He heard Misato saying that she doesn't know what to do about Asuka, but she didn't ask him to do anything. He didn't have to do anything, but he wanted to help. It pained him to see how worried Misato was sometimes. And he didn't want to see Asuka like that.
"You shouldn't skip school."
"The school doesn't matter anyway. I've heard these lessons many times."
Right, Asuka already finished college.
"I guess it is too boring for you after college."
"So you heard about it too."
"Yes, Misato told me." She told him a lot about Asuka, but it seemed none of it was correct. In her words Asuka was very proud about her accomplishments. He would have thought she was talking about some other Asuka. The Asuka he saw dismissed something as impressive as getting higher education at the age of 13 like it was nothing.
"What difference does it make that I can solve some equations and know lots of irrelevant things? Did you have many situations where you need the knowledge from your school books? Something like thermal expansion principles, for example?"
"No," Shinji replied unsurely. He felt there was some joke in her words, but he didn't get it. Though Asuka didn't even smile. Maybe he misunderstood. "But it can be needed in the future."
"Not for me. I will pilot until I die in one or another way. Then everyone will forget about me. There is nothing else for me in the future."
It was horrible. How could she say things like that?
"It is not true. Please don't talk like this, Asuka."
"Why shouldn't I? It is the truth."
"You won't die. You are amazing in Eva, no angel would ever best you. And... I will try to help however I can."
He blushed again. Yet it didn't have the reaction he hoped for. Asuka didn't smile. It didn't look like she believed his reassurance.
"Why?" she asked in a very calm voice.
"What do you mean Asuka? Why what?"
"Why do you say you want to help me?"
His mind froze. Did such words need any explanations?
"You don't mean it. You say it because it is what a good person would say, don't you? Why would you want to help me? You know me no longer than a month and we barely spent any time together. Yes, we killed a few angels, and there was a week of sync training, but not much else. You are kind. You want to help everyone. Which often means you can help no one. Often you can't even help yourself. But even if you could, how could you help me?"
He felt like her piercing eyes looked straight into his soul. He wanted to object, but he had nothing to say. Asuka kept patiently waiting for a reply.
"I don't know. But I want to. Please tell me what to do."
"I used to order you to do all kinds of things. I'm tired of it. It always felt fake." It completely confused Shinji. What did she mean? He didn't remember even a single time she did anything like this. "You won't do anything unless I make you. But it is meaningless that way. It used to make me angry. Really angry. I did awful things because of it. It couldn't continue like this."
"Asuka, did I offend you in some way? If so, I don't understand how."
"No, you didn't. It is not your fault." She washed the glass and put it back on a shelf. Before going to her room Asuka turned and said, "Try to not get yourself killed and don't worry about me, ok?"
Asuka dropped on her bed and closed eyes. There were thirteen days and seven hours till the next angel. Then another four weeks until another one. She didn't care about the angels themselves. It became a routine not worth any attention. But the moments of celebration after they were defeated were among few things she still cherished. A dinner at the ramen shop, stargazing on a hill over the powerless city, hot springs. They reminded her about something that was still real.
Asuka blushed as she remembered what she made Shinji do at hot springs at some of the previous iterations. She could repeat it if she wished so. She knew what buttons to push to make Shinji do whatever she wanted. She had a lot of time to learn them. Yet she stopped using this knowledge.
It could give her a fleeing moment of bliss, but it never made her happy. She could lie to herself, try to forget herself in the illusions. But it would be inevitably followed by a painful awakening.
She grimaced as images flashed in her mind. Two naked bodies lying on the floor in the morning sun. Empty bottle and few glasses near it. Shinji looking confused as to why he wasn't in his bed. His awkward apologies and him avoiding her in later days. She ended that iteration early.
It didn't stop her though. She tried more and more extreme things. She remembered Kaji's face when he heard what tattoo she asked for and where she wanted it. Or Shinji freaking out after looking at the fake diary she made and left for him to find. She knew from the beginning it was a stupid idea.
She was stubborn, so it took her more than one failure to accept that it couldn't work like that. It was a hard pill to swallow. If Shinji didn't really want her body, was there anything else he wanted from her?
He didn't do anything unless she made him. He could kiss her, if she told him how to move his lips and where to hold her. They could have a date if she chose place and time.
She could pretend everything was fine. But she knew it was fake. She made him do it. Shinji smiled, sometimes even laughed, but he was always wary of her, anxious to say or do anything. It must have felt too good to be true for him.
She wondered why she even tried again and again. There were so many opportunities. But each time she found herself again in the same apartment with the same boy, feeling the same hopelessness. She couldn't escape it.
She was so tired.
She didn't notice at first the quiet knock on the door. It repeated.
"Come in."
It was unusual. Though, she didn't put a notice on the door to scare Shinji away. She stopped doing it as he usually avoided her room anyway.
Shinji slid the door to the side and stepped in. The boxes with her possessions still occupied most of the room. She didn't bother to unpack them. She needed very few items nowadays.
"I'm sorry, Asuka."
"What are you even apologizing for?"
"I don't know. But I felt I did something wrong."
"I told you, it is not your fault."
"You said you ordered me to do something. But I don't remember anything like this."
"You just forgot. It couldn't be any other way though. As I said, it is not your fault. Forget about it."
"But it makes you sad, isn't it?"
Asuka was ready to dismiss him again, but stopped. It all would pass, he wouldn't remember anything. There was no need to play the old game.
"Yes, it is."
Shinji didn't expect her to answer honestly. He looked slightly encouraged by it.
"I don't remember you ever being angry either. You always looked sad since the first time I saw you on the aircraft carrier."
She didn't answer. She couldn't tell him about it without looking insane.
"You killed that angel so swiftly. Nobody even noticed the danger and then it was done already. It was incredible. I was worried about the Angels at first, but after you came I'm sure everything would be fine. There is no way you'd lose to any angel. You almost got the twins on your own. I can't imagine how you do it."
"Ah. You are flattering me so nicely. I will tell you a secret then." Her voice turned to whisper. "I could have killed them both right there. I didn't do it on purpose."
"What? But why didn't you?"
"I'd have lost something dear to me." Shinji looked puzzled. "I won't tell you. But you may try to guess yourself."
Shinji frowned, trying to decipher what she meant. He looked cute when he did it. She liked him doing something seriously. Fortunately, she had plenty of time to observe him. It took a while before he looked again at her.
"Did you know we would have to take sync training together?"
"Maybe. Looks you are not as stupid as it seemed."
"But why? What was so interesting about it?"
"Can't you guess?"
Asuka looked directly in his eyes. It seemed to paralyze Shinji.
"A dance? Do you like dancing?"
"No." She shook her head slowly. "I do like dancing, but it is not the right answer."
Shinji tried thinking even harder.
"No, I don't know. I don't think I can guess it," he said sadly.
"I was too hasty in my conclusion. You are stupid after all."
She considered if she should stop it. But what was there to be afraid of? It either wouldn't change anything, or she would just move to the next iteration. It was so easy. There were a lot of convenient moments where she could just close her eyes, let go of control yokes and start anew.
"I like you, silly."
It was easier than she expected.
But not for Shinji. He stood dumbstruck. He clearly didn't know how to process it.
"Did it make you sad? Is it because I am so weak?"
He made bizarre conclusions.
"Is it the way to react when someone confesses to you? No. I just know that nothing will come out of it. You are afraid of anything unfamiliar because it may hurt you. So you won't do anything about it. I might kiss you right now and you'd stand still and do nothing. Or nothing will come out of it because you don't want me.
"So. What do you want, Shinji?"
It was a rare case when she didn't know how Shinji would answer. She did many things, but not once she let herself be so open. Was it really needed? Didn't she have enough pain already? Did she want to hear a confirmation that he didn't like her?
Shinji looked pale, his eyes were wide open. Yes, she scared him like nothing else. She forced him make a choice.
She didn't expect him to answer. In the best case he would run away and pretend it never happened.
"I want to see you smile."
Now it was her time to look at him with eyes wide open.
"Make me."
"But I don't know what you like."
"Then talk to me."
She saw him hesitating for a second.
"Then I want to spend more time together. Can we go to school together tomorrow?"
Ah. So he wanted to solve this issue for Misato too. It was a daring move. She liked it.
"You want me to come to school with you?"
He gulped, "Yes."
"Why should I do it? School is boring. Would there be anything pleasant for me?"
"I will prepare lunch for us both. We can eat together. Is it good enough?"
She felt a soft smile appear on her face. It's been a long time since she smiled.
"Sounds good to me."
It was the first time she didn't want the iteration to end.