Work Text:
Narrator’s gentle voice over
“It has been ten years since our couple met on the streets of Academy City on that one summer evening. After many adventures, misfortunes and dating (which contained a mixture of both adventure and misfortune), they decided to tie the knot and make it official. Even though they have started a new life together, it is unavoidable that each would bring with them a certain amount of baggage from their past. For her, it was being a short tempered tsundere. (She was really working on being slow to anger but those efforts had yet to bear fruit.) For him it was a nun, a cat and a 15cm former magic god. It goes without saying that his misfortune also came along as part of the package. Let’s take a peek inside the family side apartment that is their little love nest and watch this scene of marital bliss unfold.”
[With the narrator’s voice in the background, the scene comes into focus showing an approach from space towards the earth centered on the Japanese islands. The view continues to expand to the walled enclave known as Academy City in the western Tokyo area, then to streets with buildings down to a multistory apartment building going inside and stopping to show two people in a living room.]
It is late evening and Mikoto is pacing back and forth in front of Touma who is sitting seiza on their living room floor.
“Let me get this straight, in the past week you could not have contacted me even once to let me know that you were ok and what you were up to.” Mikoto asked Touma in an interrogative style that would have made her friend Kuroko proud.
“My cell phone was damaged early in the mission so I could not call you.”
“And how did that happen?”
“It was my misfortune and a kick from Kanzaki-san.”
“OK Touma, maybe you should start from the beginning where your “mission” was just to go out and buy some ingredients for dinner from the local store. Back in one hour you said. Instead, you’re gone for one week. That is like mixing up teaspoons and quarts when you’re cooking.”
Touma winced slightly at the last remark as he took pride in his cooking ability. ‘That is something that she would actually do.’ He thought to himself. Touma cleared this throat and started telling his story.
“I bought the ingredients from the store and was on the way home when I heard a girl crying for help from a dark alley.”
(Mikoto face palms and shakes her head as she can imagine the next part of his story.)
“I naturally went to help her when suddenly I had a feeling that there was someone behind me. There was this stabbing sensation in my neck causing me to black out. I woke up on an airplane wearing a parachute and Tsuchimikado is telling me to find Kanzaki-san and Stiyl for the mission details before he pushes me out of the plane. My chute fortunately opens and on landing it gets stuck in a tree with me dangling about 10 feet off the ground.” Touma decided it was best to leave out the part that there were no other trees within one mile of the landing area.
“How did you get out of the tree?”
“I was trying to unbuckle the harness but the latch was slightly bent and was not operating correctly. When it finally worked Kanzaki-san was standing directly underneath. I landed on her with both of us falling to the ground in a humiliating position.”
(Memories of the ample “pillows” that cushioned his fall and Kanzaki’s embarrassed face flashes though Touma’s mind.)
“I stood up immediately, helping Kanzaki-san up also. She informed me that she did not like getting those types advances from married men. Before I could apologize, she kicked me back against the tree, breaking the cell phone which was in my back pocket. I would have borrowed one from them to call you but they were only using magic to communicate for this mission. The misfortune!”
(Mikoto went from shaking her head to rubbing her temples as she felt a headache coming on.)
“Touma, this is going to take all night at this rate. I’ve been involved in enough of these types of events with you to get the basic idea. Since Kanzaki-san and Stiyl were there, it must have involved magicians of some magical item that could destroy the world. Right?”
“Yes, it was a magic crystal called “The Eye of the Serpent” that the Church of England wanted investigated and retrieved. If retrieval was not possible, then neutralized. I was there in case they had to have its magical properties destroyed using my right hand. Stiyl and Kanzaki-san were able to retrieve it, so I was not needed in the end. Stiyl still says that I am nothing more than extra baggage brought along just in case I’m needed. Kanzaki-san is kind enough to say I am a valued member of the team.”
Touma started to frown when he realized that he was taken away from his wife and home for a week just because he fulfills their need as an insurance policy.
Mikoto took up the conversation. “Tell me if I’m wrong; It was mission accomplished; my dear husband’s “business trip” is over and you are waiting for your flight to leave. You decide to go look for some souvenirs for your beautiful and loving wife. Souvenirs must I remind you normally are maybe jewelry, a perfume, some local sweets, a tee shirt or maybe a post card. Wait! Why the hell didn’t you just send me a damned post card letting me know where you were at?” Mikoto demanded.
“I did send one on the first day there. Stiyl did not want to allow it but I made it a condition of my cooperation. Kanzaki-san backed me on that.”
“Huh! Then where is it?” disbelief evident in her voice.
“After placing it in the mail box I was told it would take 2 to 3 weeks for it to arrive here. Seems I arrived home before it did. More misfortune!” Touma answered sheepishly ending with a light chuckle while rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand.
“What I really want to know is why did you came home with twin princesses claiming to be your new wives instead of arriving with one of the previously mentioned souvenirs?
‘Ah, we finally get to the real reason for all these questions.’ Touma thinks to himself.
“It was in the morning of the day we were supposed to leave. After waking up I found a note telling me to meet in a particular room of the palace at a certain time. I carefully followed the directions to the room; I hear some voices but on entering I see that it is a bathing area and the twin princesses are well into getting their baths from their attendants. They scream. I apologize and immediately run out into the hallway plowing into a group of guards who immediately take me into custody and brought me before the king. He ordered that due to me seeing them undressed I had to marry them or they would be exiled from the palace and live in perpetual shame as beggars.”
“What is this? Some old twentieth century manga trope of you saw my panties now I can’t get married so take responsibility BS.” Mikoto interrupted showing clearly her exasperation by now. “You did tell the king that you were married…right? Her voice increasing in volume.
“Of course. I showed him my wedding ring and your photo that is in my wallet. He just waved it away and said that having multiple wives in his country is normal. He also mentioned that he considers only being allowed only one wife is barbaric.”
Mikoto’s right eye twitched on hearing that.
“Anyway, next thing I know I am standing in front of some holy man with one princess on each side of me in wedding dresses and two guards behind me with spears poking my back telling me to cooperate if I knew what was good for me. By coincidence the holy man was in the palace visiting the king. Very quickly he said some words while tapping me and the princesses on the head with some type of branch and then tying my wrists to the wrist of a princess on each side of me with a silk ribbon. The king came down from his throne and kissed each of his daughters. Meanwhile he is shoving a discount coupon for a bridal suite at a local hotel into my shirt pocket. Their older sister who was off to the side smiled and waved at us as we were escorted out. Slamming the doors of the palace behind us was a bit much though.”
Mikoto shook her head some more while thinking ‘He doesn’t even realize that they set him up. Most likely they planned to get those princesses out of the country because of some internal palace politics. Having them married off would be an acceptable explanation.’
“Continue” was all Mikoto could utter without losing it.
“The princesses said that they knew where the hotel was that my 40% off coupon was good for ignoring my protests that I needed to quickly get to the airport. They dragged me into a hotel lobby where one of them hands the desk clerk my wallet with my charge card in it while the other hands over the discount coupon from my shirt pocket. The desk clerk rings a bell for a bell hop, tells us to enjoy our stay and it’s off to a room. All this time I keep telling them that I need to get to the airport. I’ll be sure to call tomorrow to have those hotel charges reversed on my card.”
Mikoto’s eye twitch increased. ‘I haven’t started sparking yet so those Tai Chi lessons must be doing some good. Switching to decaf was also a good idea.’
“You are in a hotel room with two strange women what happened next? I would suggest that you choose your words carefully.” Touma felt a chill from the coldness of her words and the iciness in her voice.
“They begin to un… unbutton my shirt, stopping when they start to argue about something in their native language. I am trying to untie the ribbons still tying us together but they keep slapping my hands away saying we need to be tied together until the marriage is completed. Then they go back to arguing with each other over something. At that point Stiyl and Kanzaki-san burst into the room. Stiyl yells at me that it was not the time to doing these things with the princesses since we need to get to the airport. Kanzaki-san just has a disgusted look on her face. The princesses start yelling at them demanding to know why a ruffian and a harlot were interrupting their wedding night. The princesses quieted down after Kanzaki-san drew her sword and the ribbons tying us together were fluttering to the ground after being cleanly sliced by her. Stiyl and Kanzaki-san grab me under each one of my arms hustling us out of the room with the princesses following after us. My feet didn’t touch the ground until the airport ticket counter. We planned to fly back first class but they traded my ticket for three tickets in coach for myself and the princesses. They had steak and lobster in first class while I was given a single bag of peanuts to share with the princesses since the food cart ran out before they reached the back of the plane where we were sitting. The hunger and the misfortune! I tried sleeping to ignore my hunger but between the princesses loudly chattering about being first flyers and the rear lavatory doors slamming from passengers coming and going that proved impossible.”
‘Geez, poor guy. It explains why he insisted on eating first with the promised explanation after.’
Touma continues with his tale.
“The plane finally lands in Academy City. Stiyl and Kanzaki-san immediately get on a private jet back to England with the Eye of the Serpent leaving me with the two princesses. I wanted the princesses to go with them but Stiyl said that they would never get into England without entry visas. I reminded him that we had the same problem. I don’t take my passport with me when I go out to buy food. “Don’t worry” he said. “Our entry was already cleared with Academy City by Tsuchimikado” he said. We go to the customs line and immediately get taken into custody because we had no ID.”
“You are supposed to get one phone call, why didn’t you call me?” Mikoto asked in a perplexed tone.
“I decided to call Tsuchimikado because that bastard got me into this mess so he could get me out of it. At first, he told me it was my problem to solve and I agreed with him on that.”
“You agreed with him? Why would you do that? You were right that he should be the one to fix that problem.” Mikoto sounded confused as she spoke.
“I then told him that my solution was to convince him that helping me was in his best interest. When he didn’t sound convinced, I told him that between you and our little flower wearing hacker friend we could easily have Maika-san’s required course work at Ryouran Maid Academy changed to include a six-month graded internship class in a far-away foreign country. An internship that gave the client an option to extend it for another six months. I could hear that siscon crying over the phone at the thought of not seeing his step-sister for so long.”
“Wow Touma, I didn’t think you had it in you. That’s sort of dark coming from you.”
“But it worked! Within the hour he showed up with the paperwork we required, got us through customs and even drove us here to the apartment. We came up, knocked on the door and you know the rest.”
Mikoto memories of the events earlier that evening came back. The mixture of surprise, joy and relief of seeing Touma standing there when she opened the door. The confusion when he beckoned to the two girls that were just out of sight to come and present themselves while wearing wedding dresses. Further confusion when they say that they are happy to meet the first wife. Disbelief when they go looking through the apartment wanting to check out their new home while she had to attend to dinner that she had been cooking. Anger when she finds out that they had been to hers and Touma’s bedroom and complaining that there was insufficient closet space and that the bed was too small to hold four people. Touma saying quickly and pleadingly that this was all a misunderstanding.
“…Mikoto. Earth to Mikoto. Are you OK?” Touma’s seemingly faraway voice finally reaching her and snapping her out of her thoughts. She refocused on him and the matter at hand.
“I’ll admit to being pissed off when they claimed to be your wives and then complaining about the size of our bed. I found it funny that they yelled at you when they discovered Index and thought that she was your second wife. That would have demoted them to being the #3 and #4 wives. Those were two unhappy “brides”. You deserved that one Touma.” Mikoto said with a slight smirk at the end.
“Luckily Index was able to convince them that only one wife is allowed in this part of the world. They found the concept of just being roommates odd and almost unbelievable.” Touma remarked.
“That and my absolute refusal to let them stay for a trial period as roommates. ” Mikoto was rubbing her temples again as the pain from her headache started to increase again.
“Despite all of that you were nice enough to feed them dinner before the lady from the Academy City Resettlement office showed up to take them off our hands.” Touma gently reminded her.
“The case worker could not have come too soon. Those princesses’ personalities were starting to get on my nerves. Putting that resettlement office case worker on speed dial is one of my smartest decisions yet.”
Touma was disappointed that Mikoto did not say that marrying him was her smartest decision. Rather it was an entry for a civil servant in her cell phone’s contact list. ‘The misfortune!’
“I should be happy that you only brought back two this time instead of when you brought back sixteen vestal virgins just after we got engaged. These princesses’ claim of being wives made it different though. Are you trying to add variety to these situations just to see how I will react?”
“No Mikoto, I’m not trying to test you or your patience.”
“I knew when I married you that this might continue but your count keeps growing and why do they always have bigger chests than mine? I swear Touma if you keep this up, one of these days zap! to the moon Touma. I’m going to rail gun your ass to the moon!”
“Now Mikoto darling, you don’t really mean that do you sweet’ums?”
“Don’t Mikoto darling me you… you… ugh!” as words failed her an unsteady silence settled upon their household.
Seeing the troubled and worried look on his face made Mikoto realize that maybe, just maybe she went a little too far with her words. This was the man she did love and had married “for better or for worse”. The “for worse” was all of these troublesome adventures that would randomly appear out of nowhere. They were annoying but he always did stay true to her. She started to calm down, stopped her pacing and sat down in front of him.
Mikoto exhaled and then with resignation in her tone. “Yeah Touma, it’s not like you go looking for all this stuff to happen. Besides if I really rail gunned you to the moon with my luck you would come back knocking on our apartment door with a moon goddess clinging to one arm and Princess Kagura clinging to the other.”
Imagining that scene caused Touma to wince, worried that she just triggered a weird flag. Mikoto had small laugh when she realized how ridiculous that sounded.
“Touma, next week we’re celebrating our first wedding anniversary. I’m starting to get worried that my evening with you is in danger. I can see it now; we will be at the restaurant enjoying our meal. You go to use the bathroom and you don’t return because you have become involved in some saving the world derring-do again and I’ll be in the hotel room all alone consoling myself with the champagne and chocolate covered strawberries.” Mikoto spoke in a worried and depressed tone.
“If you are that worried maybe we can hire some of your sisters for security.” Touma suggested
“That might be a really good idea. I’d prefer just the two of us for that evening but if I had my choice between family and unwanted party crashers, family wins. I’ll ask Misaka Imouto tomorrow.”
“Glad we have that settled.” Touma was relieved that she agreed with his proposal.
“For the sake of argument, how were you suppose to determine which one was to be Wife #2 and Wife #3? A game of rock, paper, scissors like my sisters settle things?” she asked with a loving smile and an inquisitive tone. Her smile disarmed him and he was not thinking when he answered.
“Apparently that was what they were arguing about in the hotel room. It would have been the order that I consummated the marriages in. They each wanted to go first.” Touma answered nonchalantly.
There was a brief moment of uneasy silence as Mikoto’s facial expression underwent changes as various thoughts and emotions started to course through her mind and body. Touma after years of experience realized that he could have answered that question with a better choice of words.
“The order you consummate?! Meaning the order that you have sex with them?! Sex with other women other than me your wife?!” Mikoto sputtered as her face became a dark crimson color with major sparks emanating from her bangs on her forehead causing the lights in the room to pulsate, keeping time with the bulging, pulsing vein on the side of her temple.
“Toouuma! Your… right… hand… now!”
Touma swallowed hard and placed his right hand on her shoulder. While that action stopped her sparking and the pulsating lights, it did nothing to quiet the verbal storm that followed.
In one of the upstairs bedrooms Index was lying on her bed with Sphinx curled up next to her. Othinus was sitting with her legs overhanging the edge of a sturdy table. The sudden rise in conversational volume from the floor below caught their attention.
“Touma must have said something that Short Hair didn’t appreciate” Index opined to Othinus with a bitter smile on her face.
“For being each other’s understander, there are times I do not understand what that human is thinking or why he acts the way he does. And I’m a magic god (Ret).”
“Don’t feel bad Othinus, I’ve memorized and understand 103,001 grimoires and I still don’t understand how he does it either. That idiot just does not seem to learn from certain experiences.” After saying that Index just put in her ear buds and turned up the volume on her music player to drown out the sounds from below. Othinus got up and went inside her custom-built doll house being sure to close all of its windows including the storm shutters that were added after “Typhoon Mikoto” moved in. Sphynx merely opened one eye, yawned and then closed the eye again. If cats could talk it would have said that it was getting too old to put up with this nonsense.
In the apartment next door lives an elderly couple, the Bunkersaki’s whose fiftieth wedding anniversary was fast approaching.
“Sounds like the Kamijou’s are at it again.” Mr. Bunkersaki said with a growl in his voice as he looked up from the newspaper’s crossword puzzle he was working on.
“Yes, they can get very lively over there. Ah to be young again and have that passion.” Mrs. Bunkersaki replied back brightly to her husband as she marked her place in the book that she was reading.
“Hopefully she doesn’t short out the building like she did that one time.” He replied back not understanding what was so great about “being lively” and having passion.
“O dear, why you are still bringing that up? Afterwards they went around and apologized to everyone for the trouble. They even replaced all of the damaged electronics. You get to watch your Hanshin Tigers on that big screen TV they bought you. It is a big improvement over that old smaller TV you had before.” Mrs. Bunkersaki reminded him.
“As if you didn’t benefit from that also? They bought you that new washer with the combined drying function.” The husband replied back.
“Yes, the model you refused to buy me all these years. Mikoto-san could not believe that I was still having to hang dry the laundry. We wives understand each other. Although I get the impression that her husband is more into the household details than she is.”
“But can’t they learn to keep it down over there?” Mr. Bunkersaki complained.
“If their arguing bothers you that much just turn off your hearing aid. You do that when you don’t want to listen to me.” Mrs. Bunkersaki shot back.
At that Mr. Bunkersaki snorted and returned to working on the crossword puzzle. Mrs. Bunkersaki picked up her book and started reading from where she left off. It was a romance novel.
Narrator’s gentle voice over returns
“As much as things change, some things remain the same; stubbornly so. Do not be concerned about our newlyweds for they have taken a certain time-tested advice to heart being “Don’t go to bed mad, stay up and fight; all night if necessary.” This time they only fought for half the night and f’cked for the other half. The sound of their arguing being replaced by the sounds of their love making.”
[Scene of Touma and Mikoto in bed with only their heads and bare shoulders peeking out of the bed sheets. Bathed in the after-glow they are sharing a cigarette and looking lovingly into each other’s eyes]
“Biri-Biri you’re the greatest. You know that you are the only one for me, right?”
“Yes, my big hunk of misfortune I love you very much. Want to go at it again?” Mikoto says in a come-hither voice. Touma needed no further prompting.
[scene now focuses on the still smoldering cigarette in an ash tray as the shadows on the wall show the silhouette of our couples coupling and the soft sounds of their passion are heard. In the distance the sound of a train whistle as the train enters a tunnel is heard.]
The narrator continues
“We will check back in on our loving couple in another year’s time to see how their family is doing. Be on the lookout for the next part of this story; ‘And baby makes three.’ Or is it baby makes five because of Index and Othinus? Six if you include Sphinx? Ugh, never mind!”
The sound of feedback as a mic is being dropped and footsteps receding into the background are heard.
[scene pulls out from the bedroom to show the multi-story building to the surrounding city, the Japanese islands to a view of the earth from space. This transitions into the spinning globe icon of a certain television production company and its well-known jingle playing.]
***End of episode***