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Kim, as a musician, dedicated a lot of his time to singing about great feats of love. Whether it was a love as great as the Iliad or a love as small as a childhood sweetheart, every time he wrote a song, there was love. Long-lasting love, new love, broken love.
Love, love, love.
People couldn’t get enough of it. Kim waxed lyrical about how it kept people human. How it could change hearts, change minds, change perspectives.
It didn’t occur to him, though, that in all his years of singing about it, he never actually believed a single word he wrote about love. He sang about love in the way Plato talked about shadows in the cave. His words were reflections. Poor imitations. They were things he’d heard about and never experienced. In a way, Kim reflected that they were a silent reach for hope. His want for connection, like the shadows on the walls, were a whisper of a world he’d never get to experience, but only watch from afar.
In his insular community, love was weakness. It was potential for exploitation. It was better off as something left at a careful and considerate distance.
And Kim believed that right up until Chay released him from his cave of imitations and showed him the world outside.
Everything burst into glorious colour.
Suddenly, every note and melody of devotion made sense. Every story of glorious sacrifice in the name of love, from Achilles and Patroclus, to Rama and Sita, to Romeo and Juliet, was all of a sudden made crystal clear. Kim had become Orpheus, and Chay his very own Eurydice. Kim’s entire world was moved three feet to the left and turned ten degrees upside down by the image of a single boy. The boy who had come along and playfully and disarmingly pulled the rug out from beneath Kim’s steady feet.
The affection would take Kim by surprise every single time, like a sweet perfume never once losing its potency. Times like right now, after a difficult day of diplomacy, when he dragged his feet through the door and saw Chay slumped over his laptop, fast asleep. Kim’s heart gave a playful and teasing tug. He toed off his shoes and made his way over to Chay. He took a moment to admire that soft mouth, relaxed in peaceful bliss. His cheek was smushed against a page of his university textbook detailing composition. Kim remembered that module from his first year. No wonder Chay was tired.
Kim removed his jacket and placed it on a nearby stool. He pressed a palm to Chay’s head of hair to ruffle gently. Chay made a protesting noise, and Kim couldn’t help but let a small smile slip.
“Hey. It’s late.” He said gently. Chay’s eyes blinked open blearily, and he picked himself up to stretch the knots out of his spine.
“What time is it?” He asked. Kim continued to play with his hair.
“Bed.” Kim said, manoeuvring Chay to stand up and walk over to the bedroom. Chay went with little protest, allowing Kim to guide him.
“How was the negotiation today?” He asked.
“We’re in stalemate. Kinn’s insisting we take the offer, but Khun wants to push it further.” Chay hummed.
“You’ll figure it out. You always do.” They both went their separate ways to change into pyjamas, and Kim dreaded to think of what tomorrow would bring on the work front. Since the dust had settled, Kim and his brothers had sat down for one of their slow and painful ‘family talks’. Kim loved his brothers, he really did, but they were each very different people. Without a second thought, Kim would jump in front of a car for them, but also some days he'd jump in front of a car because of them. These arduous ‘family meetings’ were the kind that had Kim actively looking for the nearest highway. By the end of the long and painful process, they’d agreed to each take up the mantle of shared responsibility when it came to the family business. Kim couldn’t run from the lifestyle anymore. He begrudgingly accepted that it was only fair.
Three Theerapanyakul brothers, all alike in dignity. What could go wrong?
It had been a rocky road, but they were finally settling into their places in the family business while also juggling other pursuits and personal lives.
After brushing their teeth, Chay tucked himself into bed and patted the spot beside him. Kim gladly accepted the invitation to get under the covers and pull Chay close. Kim kissed him softly and Chay threw a leg over Kim’s hip. Kim took the opportunity to caress the skin of his thigh.
“I loved the demo you sent me today.” Chay whispered against Kim’s lips and Kim internally purred.
“You’d think that whatever I sent you.” Chay chuckled guiltily.
“Yeah, I would.”
“When do I get to hear your composition?” Even in the dark, Kim could tell that Chay was blushing.
“It’s not finished yet.” Chay shifted and nuzzled into the space below Kim’s chin and pulled the covers tight around him. He was a terrible blanket stealer, but Kim would brave the cold.
This is what perfect felt like.
Truthfully, there was a point where Kim was worried about whether or not they’d make it to this stage. To this comfort. It had been a fight, but one that was so worth it. A fight he’d reap the rewards of for the rest of his life. A fight he definitely hadn’t made easy for himself.
Since they’d started living together in the main household, cohabiting with Chay and seeing him every day had turned from something new and nervous and exciting to something that was quiet and comfortable. Kim felt like the luckiest man alive. He’s always been a private person. A bit of a loner if he was honest. It was for safety. Not his, but everyone else’s.
But now he’d discovered what it was like to have someone there fighting your corner, he’d never go back to his old ways again. No matter how much of a shit day he’s had, there was someone there. When the lyrics wouldn’t come, when rival families were playing up, when his own family was playing up, Chay was there at the end of the day to make everything better. Kim could come home and be happy to see his favourite person.
Kim could spend hours in his company and never tire. They could sit in silence and simply enjoy. Kim had a low tolerance for thinly veiled social niceties and bullshit. At the end of the day, Chay was the person his social battery never tired for. They could sit in silence, or with one of them strumming a guitar and forget about everything else outside the quiet paradise they’d built for themselves. An oasis just for the two of them.
Kim didn’t have to pretend. Chay didn’t have to please.
Perfect.
“Porsche wanted me to ask whether or not we’re up for lunch tomorrow?” Chay mumbled, on the cusp of sleep.
“Lunch with who?” Kim asked half-heartedly. He was too distracted by the scent of Chay’s shampoo lulling him to his dreams.
“Pete is coming with Vegas and Venice.”
It was no word of exaggeration when Kim thought he’d rather hurl himself from the helipad at the top of the building than watch Kinn and Vegas measure dicks from across the table.
“I’ll pass.” Chay chuckled.
“I thought you would.” Kim took a brief moment to think about all the changes that had happened within their social circle. Times, it seemed, hadn’t been easy on anyone. Tankhun was still bemoaning Pete’s loss and slating his taste in men. Kim was inclined to agree. But they were all adjusting to this new normal, and normal was different for everyone.
Even in their bliss, Kim and Chay had had their fair share of trials and tribulations. One of the very hardest parts of this new transition for Kim had been moving back into the Theerapanyakul household full time. The adjustment had been intense. Going from having his own space and being able to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted to suddenly having new responsibilities. It was a grim trade off. Kim had hated it with a passion at first. The living situation, on the other hand, hadn’t been too bad. He occupied one of the top three floors of the residence as his own insular apartment. That had been fine. But he’d been thrown in the deep end when it came to being around his brothers 24/7 again. What he’d really needed was to be micro-dosed back to their presence, but no. Here he was. Everything. All at once.
Kim’s family were… a lot. They were a lot in different ways.
Tankhun was loudly a lot. Socially, he was always up in your face and in your business. He’d meet you once and want to know your deepest and darkest secrets via a sleepover truth or dare. He’d whine like a child when he didn’t get his way and constantly complain about petty things he didn’t like about you.
“Eh, Kim! Hey, Kiiiim! Can you even see me through those ridiculous bangs? Wear some colour! Your broody, black funeral vibes are totally killing the mood.”
Criticisms on his hair and fashion choices were, in Kim’s humble opinion, bullshit coming from Khun. Tankhun was also visually a whole lot to take in. He dressed like someone had taken a piece of every muppet and stitched them together to create some sort of Frankenstein’s monster. If Kim were a tiny spark, Tankhun was a firework display by comparison.
Kinn, on the other hand, was quietly a lot. He’d always been that way, ever since Kim could remember. People would say from the outside that Kinn was the most well-adjusted of the three of them. But Kim knew that was bullshit. Kinn was an utter control freak in every sense of the word. You’d pick up the wrong fork at the table and he’d act like the world was ending. Heavens forbid the wallpaper was robin’s egg blue and not soft seafoam like he’d specifically requested, even though everyone could see that they were the exact. Same. Fucking. Colour.
Then he’d look at you with that stressed out expression that just says: ‘I’m doing so much more than you.’
Even when Porsche was there to tone Kinn down, there had been more than one incident where Kim had been pushed to the very edge of his patience with both his brothers. He’d seriously considered looking for a nice, isolated bungalow away from everything where he could say ‘fuck it’ and take Chay to have a nice, normal life there. They could sit and make music together and perhaps show their faces on birthdays and special occasions.
The plan had quickly been axed though, on account of Chay adoring his brother. Trying to separate Chay and Porsche would only end in disaster. Kim was half convinced Porsche would genuinely make a threat on his life if he whisked Chay away to live in the middle of nowhere. And like fuck could Kim trust Kinn to stop him. The Kittisawad siblings were the poster boys of brotherhood. Caring, loyal, devoted. They made Kim’s ‘family meetings’ look like a sad attempt at bonding. Like alcoholics anonymous or something. Kim bets Chay has never had to say “no, Khun, Jack is just sleeping. Rose will rescue him.” just to reassure his brother.
Kim loved his brothers. He loved them in manageable doses.
All being said and done, however, with all the difficulty that came with Kim moving back into the main household, it had been twice as difficult for Chay. In one of their first weeks living together, Chay had whispered into the silence between them that he felt out of place.
“I don’t know. I just feel… in the way.”
Kim had sat up immediately, alarmed at this new revelation.
“I’m just… I feel like I’m taking up space.”
Kim would kill a hundred men and give up a thousand careers just so he’d never hear Chay talk about himself like that again. He could only listen on in despair as Chay described himself as a mismatched marble in a jar. The odd bead on an otherwise exquisite necklace. Kim had to prevent his heart from tearing in two right there and then.
He’d broken Chay’s heart once. He wouldn’t dare do it again.
What Kim had wanted to do was bundle him in blankets and take him away from anything that would’ve dared bother him. But Kim had been making an ongoing, conscious, and mammoth effort not to baby Chay or accidentally patronise him.
It was something that Chay had tentatively brought up with him in conversation. About his place in the Theerapanyakul household and how everyone cooed and coddled him. The way he was left out the loop, or even how people joked about his accidental naivety. It was clear that Chay was fast approaching his limit of being treated like he was nine and not nineteen. Chay was innocent, but he certainly wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t by any means immature either. He had a kind of wisdom about him that came from looking after himself. He gave excellent advice when it was Kim acting like the child.
Kim supposed the babying was the downside of being surrounded by people older than him and people who knew how quickly they could have their safety ripped away. Even Kim was guilty of it. Chay was indescribably easy to love. He instilled the instinct in people that they had to protect him.
Porsche was the understandable culprit of overprotectiveness. He’d brought Chay up and been his sole provider for many years, way before Kim had come into the picture. In fact, Kim was suspicious that Porsche was having some difficulty letting go of that role. Porsche had gone so far as to pull Kim aside one day and ask whether or not he was really what was best for Chay. Kim shot back immediately that it was Chay’s choice to make. He'd already faced the consequences of trying to take that agency from him once. He’d never toe near that line again except when it was a matter of safety.
Kinn was practically an extension of Porsche. He treated Chay like another little brother and doted on him accordingly. Kinn got off on that. Providing. Providing for Chay was providing for Porsche, and that made him happy. It was just another way he could show Porsche how disgustingly in love they were.
Tankhun was undoubtedly the biggest culprit of the babying issue. Chay was empathetic in a way Kim would never understand. Empathetic to Tankhun’s struggles and want for a focus. Even when he found it tiresome and patronising, Chay allowed Tankhun to brood over him like a mother hen. To ruffle and fix his hair, to choose his outfits for the day, and to cover his eyes during kiss scenes when they watched their dramas on Wednesdays and movie night on Fridays.
Tankhun had always had a penchant for the lost and those soft people who lacked an agenda or ulterior motive. He had taken one look at Chay’s big brown Bambi eyes and sweet demeanour and decided immediately he was his new baby. Chay had gone along with it, disregarding his own wants for Tankhun’s needs. And when all was said and done, he liked Tankhun. They got along well and Chay thought he was funny. In a strange sense, Khun brought Chay out his shell. Thus, Chay allowed Tankhun to fuss over him even though sometimes he just wanted to watch a horrifically violent movie in peace.
When they were together, Tankhun described them as ‘a cotton ball and a cactus’. Kinn and Porsche had joked about no one messing with Chay because of his ‘scary dog privileges’.
Now Chay had pointed it out, everywhere Kim looked, people were either literally or metaphorically patting Chay’s head and saying aww.
Kim had made a promise to himself there that he’d make the effort to value the privacy in their relationship. To let Chay know he could be vulnerable with him without him thinking he was being looked down on. He wanted them to be normal.
The development of their relationship was a lot to take in. They were trying their very hardest to be a regular couple. But normal was that much more difficult when you led the double, and maybe even triple life Kim led. Kim appreciated every single sacrifice Chay made for them when they had to balance Kim the boyfriend, Kim the mafia son, and WIK the popstar.
Thus, Kim tried his absolute hardest to ensure life for them was as mundane as possible. They went to see terrible movies that they always ended up making out through. They went to the museum of modern art to laugh at the stupid exhibits. They visited cafés and restaurants. By far Kim’s favourite day, however, was the trip to Ikea. If anyone were to ask, he’d say it was his most cherished memory. The pair of them in the lighting fixture department in fits of giggles trying to pronounce the Swedish names of the twelve thousand different types of bedside lamps. Chay’s smile that day inspired a whole album of songs that had yet to be released.
Their intimacy naturally progressed further. A sexual relationship was their newest discovery. It was young, vibrant, and exciting. It was Chay’s first time having a sex life, and Kim’s first time at consistency. It had taken months of them being in limbo, and Kim making absolutely sure Chay wasn’t just buckling to the pressure of wanting to be treated his age, before finally breaking the seal on the subject. It was months of uselessly putting on movies just to work themselves up and go to bed unsatisfied. Kim’s resolve had finally cracked when he found a box of condoms on his desk and a note in Porsche’s handwriting.
Wear them, or else.
Their first time had been terrible in all the best ways. Laughing, wincing, groaning in both pleasure and a bit of pain too. Kim tried his best to relax and guide Chay. To make it a good experience for the both of them. Now, with a fair bit of practice, they were just beginning to learn which of the other’s strings to play to hit the sweetest notes… and Kim was more than happy to practice any time Chay wanted.
As much as the pair of them valued privacy, there was only so long they could conceal Chay’s pleasant glow and Kim’s disastrous hair at the dinner table. Nosy brothers and brothers-in-law were never far behind with their godforsaken opinions and commentary. Kim hit his limit when Chay had, publicly, been compared to a lamb being led to the slaughter by the big bad wolf.
Chay, still fresh off telling Kim how he didn’t want to be treated like a kid, had tried to laugh it off. The big bad wolf was having none of it. Kim deliberately waited until Chay asked Porsche to drop something off in their room before Kim planted the most obnoxious pair of leopard print handcuffs on the bed.
Funnily enough, their sex life was never brought up again. Decisive victory for the big bad wolf. He could finally get laid in peace.
In all the newfound bliss they got to experience, there were some things, however, that Kim was continuing to struggle with.
It was evident that Chay was not used to being stable and settled, never mind having unlimited access to all the wealth the Theerapanyakul family had to offer. It had become a point of anxiety for Chay. He’d gone from the verge of the poverty line to one of, if not the richest family in Thailand. Kim didn’t see the problem initially. In fact, he’d been satisfied. As much as Kim rolled his eyes at Kinn’s thing for providing, he wasn’t much different himself. He wanted to give Chay his credit card every single day and wanted him to do whatever he damn well pleased with it. Having come from nothing, Kim figured that surely this was what he wanted.
… except it wasn’t.
In fact, Chay made a conscious point to never ask Kim for anything. He stressed out when the maids came in to clean their rooms, and he awkwardly turned away the chefs when they asked him what they could make for him. The only thing Chay had actually asked Kim for was to let him do his own laundry and make his own bed. Kim had agreed, confused, but reasoned with himself that it gave Chay some of the agency he felt he lacked while being babied by Tankhun.
If that’s where the issues had ended it would have been fine. But the more time Kim spent with Chay, the more little quirks and habits he found that he couldn’t get his head around. There had been one week where Chay had started to feel sick, Kim had told him to go to the doctor. Chay refused outright, claiming that it wasn’t serious enough and he shouldn’t waste their time. Another instance was when one of Chay’s pairs of jeans got a hole in the knee. Kim almost threw them out, but Chay stopped him and whisked off with his sewing kit. He diligently patched them up. There had even been one time Kim had come into their apartment and found Chay sitting in the dark with his laptop. He’d thought nothing of it at first, but his stomach quickly dropped later on when he realised that Chay was used to having his electrics and water cut off, so he wasted nothing.
When asked, Chay had said: “It’s actually one of the reasons I took up the guitar. No electrics or water!”
Fuck. He’d said it so cheerfully too.
By far the most upsetting of these revelations, however, was the food.
Chay had asked him to get something from his bedside drawer, and when Kim opened it, he’d found a small stockpile of long-last food. Instant noodles, packet cookies, sachet soups, dried vegetables, stock cubes. Kim realised in that moment that what he was witnessing was years and years of food insecurity. Of not knowing if the next meal would come or be satisfying enough to sustain him.
Kim knew that Porsche had done his very best, and he’d done a damn good job. But life wasn’t a fairy tale. There wasn’t a fairy godmother who’d come along and make everything better. Sometimes the money Porsche promised just didn’t turn up. Porsche would’ve tried to hide it, but Chay would’ve known. He was perceptive like that.
It had taken months and months for Kim to ease Chay into the mindset that the food wasn’t going anywhere. He would never again have to worry about food, electricity or water. He didn’t have to stuff himself full at mealtimes because the food would be there later.
It had explained a lot about Chay. The way he didn’t want to burden anyone. The way he waved off house staff because he couldn’t give them anything back, even though they were doing their job. He knew the stress his brother went through and made himself small to accommodate.
Kim felt so so much for this boy it was frightening. No matter what kind of new responsibilities he’d face in the family or how many hours of negotiation he’d have to put up with his brothers, he’d make sure that Chay not only had everything he needed, but when he was ready to accept it, he’d have everything he wanted too.
“You’re thinking very loudly tonight.” Chay whispered. Kim hummed and held him close.
“I was thinking about your birthday.” That wasn’t a lie. He had been thinking about Chay’s birthday.
“Have you now?”
“What do you want?” Chay grinned cheekily.
“Well, I’ve heard that WIK is having a concert soon. He’s my favourite singer, you see.” Kim huffed.
“Really? I’ve heard he’s a bit of an asshole.” Chay chuckled and Kim continued. “He is very handsome, though.” Chay full on laughed and kissed him again.
“Very handsome!”
They spent a couple more moments in silence before Kim had to say it.
“I love you.” Kim revelled in the way Chay smiled every time he heard those words.
“I love you too.” Kim smiled every time he said them back.
Love, it seemed, was a road that was never straightforward. It had twists and turns and bumps.
It had enormous, marbled houses, criminal mafia, minor family drama, nosy brothers, violence, diplomacy, and all-round inconveniences.
…But it also had shared songs, guitar stands, terrible movies, Ikea, enough food for a lifetime, and a bed where they could each lay down and take solace in each other.
Kim would walk that road as long as he possibly could.
He’d walk as long as he had Chay by his side.