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It’s storming again, Anthony thought. It couldn’t have been more than an hour since he had turned in for the night. Like every night, Anthony had trouble falling asleep, and the sound of the rain pelting against his windows certainly wasn't helping.
He glanced over his shoulder, where he knew he’d find Kate in her corner of the bed, always so far away from him. She looked content, laying on her back with her hands resting on her stomach. Anthony imagined this is what Kate might have looked like when she was younger and burden free.
Anthony reached out to soothe the errant curls that had fallen over her face. His fingers caressed her cheek, finding her, as he knew he would, feeling ice cold.
"Still not sleeping through the night, my lord?" Kate asked him. Her voice was husky with sleep, her eyes still closed.
"No. How could I? You’re so far away from me. "
It was the desperation in Anthony’s voice that completely woke Kate up. Giving him an indulgent smile, she shifted closer till her body was just mere inches away.
"Is this better?" she whispered. Despite the chill of her body, Anthony felt himself relax.
"Yes, this is much better," Anthony replied in hushed tones. He leaned forward to nuzzle her cheek and neck, ignoring the sting he felt on his nose at the temperature of her skin.
"Can I ask you something?" he asked.
"You can ask me anything."
"If I had proposed to you first, would you have accepted?"
Kate shifted to lie on her back. A slight smile appeared on her face as she looked up and gazed at the cherubs painted on his ceiling.
"I don’t really know the answer to that," Kate hummed. She turned back to face him again, "Do you think I would’ve accepted?" She asked, her ice-cold fingers playing with the hair spattered across his chest. Still cold. Anthony could tell, by the way the chill settled deep into his own bones, that the fire was dying out.
"Let me start the fire again," Anthony said as he moved to get up. Kate grabbed his wrist and pulled him to sit at the edge of the bed.
"You know, that never helps. Lie back down. Please? It doesn’t bother me when you’re close."
Anthony relented, laying back down and pulling her close.
" You’re still shivering, " he said as tried to rub some warmth into her body.
"I feel much better. I promise. I don’t even feel anything. So tell me, do you think I would’ve accepted your suit? " Kate implored.
"No. I don't believe you would have. "
"And why is that?"
"Because of your family. Because of who you are and who I know you to be. Far more honorable than I could ever claim to be and far less selfish." Anthony replied thoughtfully.
"I don’t think that's true," Kate replied, lifting her hands to cup the back of his neck, threading her fingers through his hair, the cold tips massaging his scalp and sending a shiver down his spine. Anthony closed his eyes and relished the feeling. "I’ve been quite selfish since the moment I met you, my lord. I think I would have been selfish enough to accept your proposal."
"I was a fool, you know."
"Oh, I know."
"I told myself not to love you. That I couldn’t have you but I couldn’t stay away either. "
"I know."
"Every night I dream of you. From the first time we met, the first time we spoke, the first time danced, every moment we spent together. And I wonder what would have happened if I acted differently. If I was honest, If I was brave. I was afraid of causing you pain, of losing you, but in the end, that is exactly what happened.” Anthony paused, taking a moment to compose himself, feeling the burn in his eyes before continuing in a hushed whisper, I- I have nightmares about you. The way you looked every time I didn’t choose you, the way you looked when I found you–"
Kate stopped his words with a finger to his hip lips, shushing him. "You think far too much," she said gently, running her hand across his jaw and down to his chest, stopping right above his heart. "Just relax. Breathe. "
And he lay there for hours, just staring at Kate, and soon enough Anthony’s eyes started drooping, his breathing slowing down. In an instant, everything started to change. The scent of her, Lilies , that enveloped him became mustier, filling his lungs and making them heavy. Her body became frozen and soaked to the touch, red bleeding out onto pillows. The vision of Kate began to blur and flicker.
" Stay with me," he begged.
She gave him a sad smile, tears pooling in her eyes, and said, "You know I can’t."
"Will you come back to me again?"
"Always. I'll be here whenever you think of me. Now go to sleep, Anthony, go to sleep. " She leaned closer to him, just barely ghosting her lips over his forehead.
"I’m sorry. It was all my fault. " Anthony tearfully whispered, "I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry, Kate. I’m sorry."
"You’re going to have to let me go sometime, Anthony."
"I don’t think that I can.I’m sorry. For everything."
"I know."
Anthony tried to hold on to his memories of Kate, of her scent and touch, as he began to fall asleep, and when he opened his eyes hours later, the sun had come up, his cheeks were dry, and his bed was empty and cold. Like always.
—
Three months earlier
Anthony summoned what felt like every doctor in England to examine Kate, telling them about her riding accident, from what height she fell and how hard, giving them any information that he could to help them heal Kate faster. The surgeon Lady Danbury had called for stitched up Kate’s wound and the bleeding finally had stopped, but no one was able to tell him why Kate wasn’t waking up.
Unable to cross the threshold of Kate’s room, Anthony paced in front of her door as the doctors came in and out of Kate’s room and listened to them as they all repeated the same thing.
" Wait. We can do nothing but wait."
Anthony had waited. Waited patiently and in anger. Anger at himself, at God, at everyone around him. Desperate for help, any type of help, Anthony hunted down Dorset and had him examine Kate, but like everyone else, he said the same thing.
"Let God do his work. There’s nothing else we can do but wait."
So while waiting for Kate to wake up, Anthony took comfort in a routine: Anthony would wake up, get ready, look at his ledgers, and eat breakfast with the family, ignoring the pitiful looks he would get. On his way out, he would kiss his mother on the cheek and go straight to the Danbury household. Upon arriving, he would greet all three ladies and take Newton out on a walk through Hyde Park. And every day, on his way back to Danbury House, Anthony would stop by the florist to pick up a bouquet of flowers that he would leave by Kate’s door, still unable to go in.
Two weeks later, when Kate Sharma had passed away peacefully in her sleep, Anthony had finally crossed the threshold of her bedroom.
"I’m sorry,” the doctors had said. "We did all that we could."
Mary Sharma was inconsolable.
"We should've never come to this blasted country. Why didn’t I stop her? Why didn’t I question her plans?" she wailed, clutching a stoic Edwina. "I can’t leave her. I can’t leave her here. She was my baby. I can’t leave her alone. Edwina, say something, Edwina! Don’t you care? She was your sister. Will you just abandon her? You haven’t said a word. You haven’t cried. Say something! " Mary shook Edwina with such force that Violet and Lady Danbury had to help pry her away from the poor child. She hadn’t cried yet. From the moment the doctors announced Kate’s death, Edwina was deathly quiet, holding tightly onto Kate’s hand, refusing to let her go
Anthony stood silently in the corner, unable to help, drowning in his own silent grief. He barely registered what was going on around him. His vision blurred and there was an incessant ringing in his ears. Death didn’t take away her beauty. She looked as beautifully as she did the first time he met her. But this Kate was so still, her body unmoving, no rise and fall of her chest, her hands laid limp on her stomach. How could she be so still? The most lively woman he’d ever met, always in motion, and here she lay in front of him, unmoving.
Kate was buried two days later at the local cemetery with only her family, Lady Danbury, and the Bridgertons in attendance. It was Anthony who took charge of all the arrangements, despite Mary’s loud protestations. From helping to get proper materials and a priest so the Sharma women could complete any ritual they would need for the burial, And when everyone had left, leaving him alone with Newton by her grave, Anthony made sure to tell her all the things he never had the chance to tell her before, to tell her how sorry he was for being dishonest, for being selfish. And finally, Anthony told Kate how much he loved her and would always love her.
—
"Let’s. Go. Newton," Edwina seethed as she pulled on Newton’s leash, trying to pull him as far away from his place by Anthony’s feet as possible. Anthony and his family had come to say goodbye to the Sharma women, who were to depart the countryside in a few hours, where they had purchased a little cottage in a small village in Somerset.
Everything was packed and ready to go. Everything but Newton. Ever since Kate’s passing, Newton had gotten used to Anthony. Edwina couldn’t stand it anymore. Everything. This man took everything. But not Newton. He couldn’t take Newton, the last thing she had left of her sister’s.
Anthony, unable to look at Miss Edwina's struggle any longer, tried to help as much as he could. He nudged Newton towards Edwina, but the heavy beast wouldn't budge. And selfishly, Anthony hoped he never would.
"Newton, boy. Go. Please go to Miss Edwi—"
"NO!"
Anthony was startled at the sound. It was the loudest he ever heard Edwina speak. And after weeks of her silence and stoicism, the sound was even more jarring.
"No! You don’t get to speak. Not to him, not to me, not to Mama or anyone, least of all Kate. Leave. Why are you still coming here, Lord Bridgerton? Why? Why won't you leave? Why don't you leave us alone?"
"Miss Edwina, I —"
"Why didn’t you stay away from the start? You took everything from me. Everything . My name, my honor, you took away my sister. You took from her as well, did you know? Her name, her honor, until all that was left was guilt in her eyes and shame in her soul. She was my mother and you took her away from me. Edwina shook her head feverishly, her breath coming out in harsh pants."And I was so cruel to her. The last words I spoke to her… if I had known it was the last time we would ever speak, I would've listened. Because I knew in my heart what she wanted to say, but I was selfish and hurt. I didn’t want to hear her words then. I didn’t want to forgive her. I asked myself over and over, how could my own sister keep things from me ? And for what? For you ?” she asked him derisively. “The man who couldn’t respect either of us enough to be honest? Because of you. It was all because of you. And now… if you have an ounce of shame left,” Edwina whispered, tears in her eyes, the fight leaving body, “you will stay away from us, and stop taking what little my family has left. Please .”
"I’m sorry," Anthony stated quietly. He stood frozen as Lady Danbury and Mary took Edwina away in their carriage. Today would be the last time he would probably see them again. Three people forever fractured by the loss of the woman they loved. He’d seen the change Kate’s death brought the women, a change he felt within his own soul. No longer was Edwina the sweet young miss he met at the beginning of the season, her eyes dull with grief and no longer was Mary passive, taking charge and finding the strength to comfort Edwina. Selfishly, He prayed they would forgive him for the pain he caused all of them even if he knew he couldn’t forgive himself.
"Come, Newton," Anthony said, pulling at Newton’s leash. "Let’s go home."
–
After the departure of the Sharma women, Anthony fell back into his normal routine again. He’d wake up, get dressed, write up his acceptance to the various invitations to balls, go over some ledgers;
The bill needs to be paid to the modiste.
A bill needs to be paid to the bookstore.
Colin needs more funds for another trip.
Mother requires...
Eloise requires....
And when he was done with taking care of everyone's needs, Anthony would head downstairs to join his family for breakfast. On his way out, he would kiss his mother goodbye, ignoring the pitiful looks everyone would give him, taking Newton by his lead, making his way to Hyde Park.
To the Ton, the Viscount Bridgerton seemed to carry on with life as normal. With the Sharma's gone, they eventually forgot about the botched wedding and the untimely and tragic death of the eldest daughter. Everything was the same again. Except Anthony. He wasn’t much different from before, but neither was he the same. He still made rounds to his club, went to races and boxing matches with friends. Viscount Bridgerton was always seen strolling down the street with his family, trailed by Kate Sharma's odious dog. He danced with as many women as he could at balls, but never spoke a word to them. There were no more interviews, no more courting, no more searching for the next Viscountess.
This was the routine Anthony found solace in, and his family grew used to it over time. No longer did he argue with anyone about anything. He was a passive, quiet shell of his former self. Only the memories of Kate kept him anchored to this world. The only time Anthony would show any great feeling would be at night as he got ready for bed. Enthusiastically he would get ready for bed, no longer needing help from his valet. Newton would lie on the floor on his side of the bed, never straying far from his new master. As he listened to the steady huffs of Newton’s breathing, Anthony waited for sleep to claim him so he could meet Kate in his dreams and tell her about his day.