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When he awoke his skin was on fire.
Hot and burning and for a split second he almost feared that it would scorch away everything it touched. The pillow and the blanket that was wrapped around his body and even the cool fingers that came out of nowhere to carefully slide along his face.
For a split second, he forgot that the dream had already ended and that the flames eating away on his flesh were as real as the dark shadows crawling up his skin.
None of them existed.
Not the shadows and not the flames.
He knew for sure yet for some strange reason, Kei was still reluctant to open his eyes.
How very childish.
Sighing heavily, he squeezed his eyes shut tightly.
How he hated being sick. Gods, how he wanted to stop feeling this horrible.
The fever was the worst. It made him so weak that he couldn’t even get up, his limbs heavy and aching. One second he was so cold that his entire body was shaken by violent shivers, his teeth clattering and not even the second blanket his mother had brought him was enough to make it stop. Then there were moments like this, when the chills finally stopped but in their stead his skin was set on fire, and all the strength he had left in his body was used to try and kick the blankets off in the hope that the air around him would offer some kind of salvation.
Though right now, he had no strength left in him, sweat already collecting on his skin, under layers of fabric, drenching his clothes and making him feel even worse.
At least the fever proved that his body had identified the little intruders that had caused the infection and was now actively fighting them with every cell available.
It was just a fever and he was the only one it felt like fire to.
Yet knowing that didn’t help much.
The gentle fingers that were now brushing along his cheek and forehead did though and caused Kei to whimper at how good they felt. At how their icy touch made his skin prickle and drove shivers down his spine, again and again, until goose bumps covered every inch of his body and Kei couldn’t help but wriggle between damp, hot sheets that kept sticking to his skin stubbornly.
The fingers felt so good, that he suddenly wondered if they were real or just some remnant of the dream he could barely remember now.
Gods, was that all they were? Just his imagination triggered by the fever?
Not that it mattered. The heat wasn’t as maddening as it had been before so whether the fingers were a product of Kei’s feverish mind or not didn’t matter.
No. It didn’t matter at all.
Gods, be real, he thought . Be real. Please be real.
And maybe it did matter because somehow – somehow – they felt precisely like the sort of salvation he had been looking for and right now he couldn’t bear for them to leave. To just disappear like the flames and the shadows had moments ago.
Yeah.
Kei needed them to stay and wander over his tingling skin until the fever died down, their cool touch the only thing that made the burning somewhat bearable. In a way they reminded him of a cool summer breeze and sadly, he soon realized, they were just as fleeting.
A moment later they were gone.
Just like the flames and the shadows.
Panic started bubbling up in his chest, egging his heart to beat faster.
A helpless groan escaped his lips then and Kei lifted his hands just a bit, to reach out and see if there was really nothing there except for empty space. If their presence had really just been his imagination or if the hands were real and he could grab them with his trembling ones, hold onto them, bring them back and press them against his face. Keep them there until the fever would budge and stop burning him alive.
Yet no matter where he went to look for them – weakly tapping the sheets left and right – he couldn’t find them. Dry lips trembled while Kei struggled to find the right words to make them return but couldn’t think of anything to say and ended up knitting his brows and whining.
Like a little kid, desperate and pathetic.
Not the kind of sound Kei had been intending to make, and here he still had.
How embarrassing.
Maybe they really had just been his imagination.
Pressing his lips together, he tried opening his eyes. It was harder than it should have been. The lids were heavy and his surroundings too bright, blinding him and eliciting a throbbing pain in his head, heralding a headache he knew was most likely going to keep him from dozing off again for god knew how long.
Yet right now, he didn’t give a damn because some part of him was still hoping that the hands had been real and he’d be able to locate them and get them to return once he opened his eyes. Hoped that someone was with him and he would soon hear sweet promises of ‘it’s gonna be alright ’ and ‘I’m here.’
Gods, how pathetic he was.
Childish and weak and dependent.
How he hated being like that.
“Hey,” a soft voice suddenly said and Kei almost contemplated dismissing it as yet another hallucination when the mattress dipped and something pushed against his hip.
"It’s okay. I'm right here."
The words rang in Kei’s ears and caused another shiver to run down his spine and tears to well up in his eyes. He blinked them away – again and again – because there had been no reason for them in the first place and because he wasn’t some pitiful child anymore that couldn’t control their emotions. Unexpectedly, a sob left his mouth and he silently cursed himself for not having seen it coming. For letting it out and not stopping it in time to spare himself the embarrassment that now washed over him.
“Niichan." It was nothing more than a raspy whisper because his throat hurt so badly and maybe – maybe – because he feared the other would get to hear another sob paired with his name should Kei force himself to raise his voice further. He almost suspected that it had been too low for the other to hear, when all of a sudden the cold fingers were back, sliding against Kei’s, weaving them together and squeezing softly before ultimately pushing them down to his chest again.
Niichan. Maybe that had been the word he had been looking for moments ago.
Kei tried to get his face closer to those hands, tried pulling them up and pressing his cheek against them and whimpered when they wouldn’t move and he couldn’t reach, no matter how hard he tried. How cruel to force these kinds of sounds from him.
How very cruel.
When they finally returned seconds later, Kei couldn’t stop another whimper at how their cool touch immediately repelled the heat wherever they brushed along his cheek.
It was just too good.
Too good.
So good that for a second, he almost forgot to feel embarrassed for all the sounds that he made. Whimpers and whines and pleased groans.
Almost.
Once Kei remembered, he gritted his teeth to keep the fuck quiet.
He felt his brother lean over him, his facial features becoming clearer and his arm’s weight distorting Kei’s pillow. Soon, Niichan’s hand cupped his cheek fully and cool fingers moved below his ear, while others grazed one of his eyebrows and cheekbones. This time, Kei had to bite down on his bottom lip not to create noises he didn’t even know a word for, squeezing his eyes shut again because he didn’t know where to look and what to focus on.
Only when soft lips pressed against his forehead did they fly open again, surprised at his brother’s bold actions and suddenly, he found himself staring straight into Niichan’s eyes.
Hovering only centimeters from his face, they were bright and gentle and somehow the best thing he had seen in a while. It almost felt as if he was looking at them for the very first time. And that must have been the fever because he knew for a fact that he had looked at them a thousand times already.
In the past, admittedly. Years ago.
Still, Kei had been sure that he knew their colour. He fucking knew it, yet for some reason they had never looked like that.
It must have been the fever.
Or the incidence of light, or maybe both.
They were the colour of amber. Polished amber, warm and sweet and beautiful the way it captured the light and shimmered in a dozen different kinds of yellow and orange, rippled and framed by darker tones. It seemed the fever had finally caused him to snap. Made him hallucinate and see things that were so far from reality that one would need to be delirious to think otherwise. Because eyes like this couldn’t possibly exist. Maybe in girls’ stories or fantasies but really, that had nothing to do with him.
Yet he stared at them all the same.
He felt his heart beat against his chest and wander all the way up to his throat, pulse throbbing violently.
With his fingers at Kei’s neck, massaging hot skin, Niichan could probably tell.
Over and over, Kei tried to clear his vision, blinking – again and again – and when that didn’t work, tried to break the eye contact instead, tried to close his eyes again or look elsewhere but couldn’t and before long, stopped caring altogether. It was surreal.
It had to be the fever.
A part of him hoped that his brother would feel uncomfortable soon and just end this stupid moment with a sigh and turn his head while another wanted to raise objection and beg for a bit more time. Just a tiny bit more time. The latter was backed by the most feverish one which, in little whispers, kept wondering if there was an end to that sea of kindness and warmth and ultimately, when it didn’t find a satisfying answer, proposed to just dive in and find out. Get closer and closer until those orbs disclosed their secrets on their own and all one had to do was stare long enough.
Kei ignored that part most of all.
Because that one truly was delirious and listening to it for just a few seconds made his breath catch and his heart hammer frenziedly against his chest.
They were just eyes.
Just like his own.
No. He doubted his own eyes looked anything like that.
Every morning he saw them in the mirror, staring back at him and they were nothing but light brown. They were just eyes after all, dulled by glass and pathetic thoughts, by memories of past disappointments and pains, unable to just let go.
So very different from those he couldn’t keep staring into right now.
That he was sure of, fever or not.
Although, Kei did recall a time when his brother’s eyes hadn’t looked remotely like they did now. A time when the shine had been lost and they had been dull and dark and obscured with shame, always cast down and avoiding Kei’s gaze.
Or maybe he had been the one avoiding Niichan’s gaze in the first place.
A thumb brushed along Kei’s cheekbone, travelling up to his right eye to wipe away some of the wetness that had gathered underneath.
Yeah.
It had most definitely been him. Because he just couldn’t stand the pain and the hopelessness he had seen in them. It had hurt too much.
Right now however, nothing of that was left and maybe that was exactly the reason why, even though he wanted to, Kei couldn’t look away.
After what seemed like an eternity, Niichan finally moved and crooked his neck, arching one of his brows just a tiny bit in a silent question before the smile on his face broadened.
“You kept calling my name, you know,” his brother said with a soft voice, running gentle fingers through Kei’s hair and over his forehead. And here he could have sworn he had whispered it for the first time a few moments ago.
“Did you have a bad dream?” The other asked and Kei tried to remember but found that he could barely recollect the flames.
Whatever had made him call for his brother had already been forgotten the moment he had woken. Gone, together with his wariness and the voice of reason that Kei was so used to hearing whisper in the back of his mind.
The fever had made him talk in his sleep, and it was the fever that had made him careless and even more stupid.
Stupid, yes.
Like when Kei suddenly wondered if Niichan’s eyes looked like they did because he believed his little brother still called out for him when he had a bad dream, despite all that had happened and despite Kei being far too old to call out for anyone.
If that silly thought had made him happy.
If Kei had made him happy. Finally. After all these years of causing nothing but pain.
“Niichan,” he rasped weakly, curious as to whether he’d be able to witness any change in those amber orbs or if his effect on them was nothing but wishful thinking. It sure was a stupid thing to hope for. Yet he did and it most likely was just the fever clouding his mind but once the word had tumbled from Kei’s lips, he thought he had indeed seen them light up even more. Which shouldn't even have been possible.
“Yeah?” The other breathed, probably expecting more than just one word.
“Niichan,” Kei tried again, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth when a ripple of light went through his brother’s eyes, changing their appearance like a kaleidoscope.
Now he was sure it wasn’t just his imagination and he’d ignore every single voice that tried to prove him wrong. Just this one time.
“You couldn’t have picked another time to get sick, hm?” His brother whispered, smiling affectionately and softly tapping the tip of Kei’s nose. “Mom suggested I return to Sendai so I don’t catch your flu the moment I entered the house.”
Of course she did, Kei thought, knowing that their mother was right.
Niichan most likely couldn’t afford to get sick, he had to go work and earn money after all. Moreover, as opposed to Kei, his brother was living on his own and didn’t have anyone to take care of him when he wasn’t feeling well. At least Niichan had never mentioned someone like that. Then again, when did they ever talk about things like this? When do we ever talk, Kei thought bitterly. Maybe Niichan did have someone. Maybe he had even mentioned it and Kei just hadn't listened. Well, whether Niichan had or not, their mother would still want to make sure he was alright and that meant almost an hour’s drive to Sendai. No. She could hardly look after both of them.
Therefore, Niichan really should stay away from him. His brother most definitely shouldn’t be sitting here without a sick mask on and touching Kei like he did, because that increased the chances of him catching Kei’s flu.
He didn’t need Niichan to be around. He didn’t and his brother should know.
Kei fucking shouldn’t need him to be around.
Not anymore.
Not at the age of 16.
Not after all that happened.
Yet somehow, the sole thought of Niichan leaving again made his chest tighten.
Just like it always did.
One would think he’d already be used to watching his brother leave, yet despite what he tried telling himself, it still felt just as awful as it had the day Niichan left for college.
He had learnt to ignore that feeling though, to brush it off and bury it someplace deep within until it came washing over him again.
Like now.
And he knew it was time to brush it off again, just like all the times before and tell himself that it was alright like this. Like all the times before. That this was just how things were now and that he was fine with it. But somehow, this time he couldn’t.
He blamed the fever that made his skin burn and his body shake.
Then he blamed his brother’s bright eyes that kept smiling down on him gently and the fingers that combed through his hair and soothingly rubbed along his temple and forehead, slowly driving the headache away.
“What do you think, hm?” Niichan asked, pressing the cool back of his hand against Kei’s cheek to offer skin that hadn’t already warmed up due to the heat of his face.
There it was, that question Kei should immediately have an answer for. Of course, he should tell him that their mother was right. That Niichan would be better off in Sendai, away from him and the infection and most of all, that Kei didn’t need him.
He should put on that mask of indifference he always wore around his brother and drop his gaze and tell him ‘whatever’ before finally turning over, showing the other his back and waiting for him to leave. However, for some reason, all he managed while trapped by his brother’s eyes and soft smile was a weak groan and a raspy, “don’t go,” followed by a sharp intake of breath that got caught in his throat. Because he hadn’t intended to say something as needy and selfish and stupid as that.
Because he shouldn’t have but the moment he wanted to take it back and somehow correct himself, Niichan let his head hang a bit, laughing softly. When their eyes met again, his brother was literally beaming and Kei couldn't bear seeing the smile drop.
“Okay,” Niichan said before leaning down and placing a kiss to Kei’s temple. Warm lips lingered for a few seconds before they pressed against his skin a second time.
Mom had done that too, Kei remembered.
Even though he had felt too tired and weak to talk, he had still found the strength to complain about the gesture to her. He couldn’t with his brother though. It just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel fair and truth be told, he didn’t want to. Because it had been nice. Yeah.
“I promised to help Mom with the groceries but it shouldn’t take us longer than an hour, alright?” He heard his brother say.
Only a few moments later, Niichan straightened up and carefully loosened Kei’s grip on his hoodie, gently ruffling his hair right after.
Fever really made him careless. Kei hadn’t even noticed gripping and holding onto his brother’s clothes. What kind of adult did such a thing?
“Anything you want?” The other asked while pushing up from the bed.
You to come back, Kei thought. Words so silly that he got embarrassed just by thinking them. He weakly shook his head instead, forcing his eyes shut before he met his brother's again and said something stupid he couldn't possibly explain or take back later.
While he listened to his brother leave, darkness all around him, his mind unbidden tried to recall how Niichan’s eyes had looked up close just moments ago. How they had reflected the daylight that flooded his room, almost shimmering, but couldn’t and secretly hoped he’d get another chance to look at them later.
Once Niichan came back and ruffled his hair and cupped his cheek with cool hands.
Kei would make sure to etch them into his mind then, for times when he wasn’t fevered. Times when he was much clearer and didn’t dare look into his brother’s eyes any longer than necessary, out of fear that he wouldn’t be able to keep his nonchalant façade if he did. Because Niichan really made that hard, with his bright eyes and loving smiles, drawing out silly emotions Kei had thought he wouldn’t be able to feel again, thought he had left behind the day he had learned the truth and Niichan’s eyes had lost their shine and only ever managed to look sad and pained and defeated, filled with guilt.
* * * * * *
The next time he woke, he still felt horrible but not anywhere near as beaten and delirious as before. The pills his mother had forced him to take in the morning seemed to have done their job in reducing his temperature. More than that, it appeared. For once he didn’t feel the nagging headache in the back of his mind before he had even managed to open his eyes, the light not nearly as blinding and painful as it had many other times. Turning his head, half-lidded eyes glanced over to the windows and he was glad to find that the curtains had been drawn closed.
His mother most likely.
It had probably been her too, who had placed that damp washcloth on Kei’s forehead and brought the pot of fresh tea that was currently radiating heat from the nightstand to his right. Steam was still rising from where the lid was missing, spreading the scent of herbs that, in all likelihood, were much too bitter for him to enjoy. Knowing his mother, the tea wouldn’t have nearly enough sugar and he almost contemplated not drinking it at all. Then again, his throat felt like someone had treated it with abrasive paper while he had been asleep and had left it raw and dry, so the tea could hardly make it any worse.
Kei pushed himself into a half-sitting position, his back and head supported by the headboard, his body trembling slightly from the effort it took, and absentmindedly reached for his glasses. Once he had put them back on and discarded the lukewarm washcloth, his gaze landed on the mug next to the pot.
As opposed to it's neighbour, there wasn't any steam to warn him so he guessed that the tea inside had already cooled down enough to be drinkable. At least he wouldn’t additionally burn his already battered throat with it.
A shaky hand reached out for the mug, fingers sliding over the smooth surface until they closed around the handle and slowly lifted the heavy thing from the nightstand. The porcelain was warm to the touch, tea filled up almost all the way to the brim, and he had to concentrate hard not to spill anything. Moving carefully, he was doing pretty well until a sudden coughing fit shook his entire body and he could do nothing but bow forward and wince and squeeze his eyes shut while warm liquid ran down his fingers. When he finally had control over his body's movement again and managed to put the mug down, Kei found that half of it's content had already landed on his covers, slowly seeping into the fabric and leaving light brown stains. He hurriedly ripped at the upper cover, the additional blanket his mother had brought him when shivers had made his body tremble, hoping that his own hadn't been affected yet. When he didn't see any stains except for a very small one where his right thigh was, Kei let a relieved sigh pass through his lips.
After reluctantly wiping his hands on the dirty blanket, he pushed it off the bed.
Kei reached for the mug again, this time only half-full and hesitantly brought it to his lips, fearing yet another coughing fit and the tea's taste all the same.
The latter was what made him turn up his nose and squint his eyes moments later, bitter warmth flooding his mouth and gushing down his sore throat.
How his mother could still offer him this, even though she knew he detested the taste, was beyond him. He wouldn't drink anymore, he decided stubbornly once the mug had been empty, placing it back on the nightstand and giving it an extra shove. Just because.
Wasn't being sick already torment enough? Did she have to add insult to injury and not even sweeten that awful tea he had no choice but to drink? No, not like this.
He would drink it with sugar but definitely not like this.
Gods, how he hated being sick.
Scanning his surroundings, Kei suddenly wondered if Niichan was still here or if their mother had won and he was already on his way back to Sendai. It surely would have been for the best. For both of us , Kei thought, remembering earlier when his brother had been by his side and bright, clear eyes had stared into his. They had never looked like that before. Not even back when Kei had been little. Never. And if they had, Kei would have been blind not so see and stupid not to remember. Oh no. They had surely never looked like that. That was why they had caught him off guard and Kei had let himself get carried away by the moment, forgetting to act his usual self and asking for things he rather shouldn't have.
Asking his brother to stay.
Damn.
Asking him to stay while staring into his eyes for seconds or minutes or however much time it had been. Much too long, he realised then, burying his face in his hands, embarrassed.
How could he ask his brother to stay, all the while knowing that he'd most likely catch his flu? How could he have been so fucking selfish?!
Of course Niichan wouldn't say 'no' !
Niichan never said 'no' to anything Kei asked from him, regardless of what he really wanted, but despite knowing that, Kei had still asked for this one favor he knew he shouldn't have.
That honestly hadn't been fair.
Inhaling deeply, Kei shoved the covers from his body and pushed up from the bed, wincing when bare feet touched the cold floor.
He wasn’t the little kid from years ago anymore. Many things had changed. He had. During the past 5 years, he had been sick numerous times and his brother had never been there. And it had been fine.
Kei hadn’t needed him.
This time was no different. He didn’t need his brother to keep him company and rub away pains and read him stories and feed him food because he was grown up now. He certainly wouldn’t roam the house looking for Niichan, hoping that he'd still be there, because Kei wasn’t a little kid anymore. Kei’d be fine on his own like he was many times before within the past years.
The only reason he now heaved himself up from the bed, staggering through his room on wobbly legs, was because he needed to use the bathroom. Only that.
The room started spinning and he had to close his eyes in adesperate attempt to make it stop.
Yeah. He would definitely only take a piss and then return to the bed.
He was not a kid anymore.
Not to mention that his body was too weak anyway and Kei was lucky enough if he made it to the bathroom and back without his legs giving way under him. Fingers curled around the door handle and he decided to pause one last time, to catch his breath and focus on the way ahead. Seconds turned into minutes until he finally moved again, turned the doorknob and stepped outside.
The floorboards occasionally creaked under his feet as he slowly pushed forward, steadying himself with a hand on the wall.
Kei could manage though.
He would manage, because he was grown up and grown-ups could make their way to the bathroom without any help, even when sick with fever.
Grown-ups didn’t walk around the house in search for their big brothers, just because they had when they had been little.
They didn’t.
He wouldn’t.
And yet he still found himself listening for his brother’s voice and almost peaking downstairs in the hopes of finding his shoes lined up with Kei’s and their parent’s. It was pathetic, really.
Pathetic.
Gritting his teeth, Kei jerked his eyes back to the way ahead and forced himself to get moving again.
How fucking pathetic.
* * * * * *
The short walk had taken him a lot more strength than expected and Kei was honestly relieved to have made it back without coming across his mother. She would have flown to his side immediately, steadying him with an arm around his waist, believing that he couldn’t manage on his own, treating him like the little kid she wasn’t ready letting go of yet.
Today, Kei really didn’t have the strength left to call her out on it and tell her to stop acting like that already.
Thankfully, this confrontation had been something he had been spared off.
Back in his room, with the door closed, he noticed that the trembling had gotten a lot worse while he had been out of bed. His teeth were even clattering. Yet another chill.
Slowly, Kei crawled into his bed again, the covers and sheets welcoming him with their warm embrace. It took a while for the trembling to subside and for his teeth to stop rattling against each other but once it did, Kei rolled onto his side and buried his face into the pillow, relishing the still cool fabric. Hot breath travelled along it's surface and when some of it reflected back at him, Kei pushed the pillow down and out of the way. He noticed a little green light, blinking in short intervals, eager to get his attention, and checked his phone. A total of 7 unread messages. Yamaguchi, Kei thought and opened one after another to check what his friend had texted, before sending a single text in return.
Tired eyes drifted shut on their own accord but he forced them open again as soon as he noticed noises outside his door.
His mother most likely. Checking in on him with more bitter tea he wouldn’t be able to drink no matter how sick he was.
The handle turned and the door was pushed open quietly. His heart leaped when he saw that it wasn't her but his brother.
“Hey, Kei,” Niichan whispered, poking his head through the door. “Heard you sneaking around. How are you feeling?”
For a short moment Kei didn't say a word.
So Niichan had really stayed, just like he had promised and against their mother’s wishes.
“Horrible,” Kei mumbled finally, unwilling to say much more as his sore throat was killing him.
Not that he had known what else to tell his brother.
“Thought as much,” the other replied before pushing through the door hurriedly.
“Mom is not exactly crazy about me ignoring the quarantine she had put you under,” Niichan muttered while closing the door silently. “But really, those puny viruses of yours will hardly affect me.”
Chuckling, his brother approached the bed and ultimately sat down on the floor next to it. Now that his mind was a bit clearer and he remembered his earlier actions, Kei couldn’t help embarrassment bubble up all the way to his cheeks. What had he been thinking?
“So … ” his brother began just before Kei let his eyes drop to the pillow.
Whatever Niichan had intended to say never made it past his lips. He must have realized that Kei was again avoiding looking at him. That they were back to awkward silences.
Did he already regret staying?
A few moments of uncomfortable silence followed before Niichan eventually spoke up again. This time, his voice almost sounded like that of a stranger, way too forced and insecure. He probably didn’t know what to say to Kei either.
“So~ … seems like Mom got you the good stuff.”
Kei’s gaze drifted to the pot with tea on his nightstand, only fleetingly glancing at Niichan, who was staring at the hands in his lap, teeth worrying his lips.
“Yeah …” Kei croaked, staring at his brother from the corner of his eye. A smile was plastered on his face but Kei could tell that it was fake. It didn’t reach his eyes and the corners of his mouth twitched ever so slightly because of how hard it was to keep them in place.
Kei had never understood why his brother found the need to pretend. After how Kei had acted earlier, his brother had probably expected him to behave differently now. Nicer and not as cold and distant. So why didn’t he just say that he was disappointed and look like it? Kei wouldn’t even blame him. He’d probably nod and, if he had a bit more courage, he’d even admit that he was disappointed himself.
“Salvia, I guess,” his brother muttered before adding, “not nearly enough sugar, right?”
And finally that smile was real now, Kei thought and sunk deeper into his pillow, drawing the blanket all the way up to his nose and answered with a muffled, “yeah.”
When his brother met his gaze again, the smile softened and Kei absentmindedly wondered if the other would touch his face again. The way he had earlier.
Probably not.
Why would he when Kei acted like he did?
Still, it was hard ignoring how much he wanted his brother to.
“Well,” Niichan started anew.
“That reminds me.” His voice steadier and lighter when Kei didn’t drop his gaze this time. “Guess what I got you~” His brother almost sing-songed, gentle hands disappearing in his hoodie’s pocket and causing a crackling sound.
The way he kept staring at him, Niichan most likely expected him to take a wild stab in the dark, play along and list some of the things his brother could have gotten Kei, but didn’t.
“Dunno,” was all he managed though and stopped himself from adding, ‘I didn’t tell you to bring anything.’ Because it wouldn’t have been fair and the soft smile plastered on Niichan’s face would have most likely dropped or turned fake again. Hopeful eyes stared at him, wide and clear and Kei could almost watch them start to cloud with disappointment, waiting for an answer, for Kei to say something – anything. Then his phone beeped, a short and low key sound but audible nonetheless, and Niichan’s smile wavered.
“A copy of Jurassic World?” Kei finally croaked weakly, ignoring the message for now, and slowly propped himself up on his elbow, to get a better view.
“It’s not even out yet, silly but close!” The other laughed, almost relieved that he didn't lose his little brother's attention to the phone, rocking back and forth a few times.
It most likely was something stupid anyway.
Something silly his brother had seen while shopping with Mom and had asked her to buy for Kei. No. Of course he hadn’t asked their mother to buy it. He had bought it himself, with his own money.
For Kei.
“No~ I got you …” Niichan grinned and presented him with a pack of throat gums. “These!!”
Unbelievable, Kei thought, staring at the pack of throat gums his brother had almost shoved into his face. Not any kind of course. No. Because that wouldn't have been like Niichan. No, these were the ones their mother had always bought him when he had been sick.
The ones he hadn’t had in years, because they were for kids and he wasn’t a kid anymore.
Unbelievable.
“Yeah, I know,” Niichan began, his face lightening up and his voice oozing excitement. “They are dragons but come on! Dragons and dinosaurs are basically the same thing!” He turned the package slightly and inspected the print. “Just ignore the wings and the fellow’s nice smile and it could totally be a T-Rex.”
Kei hardly believed that paleontologists agreed with that, seeing how T-Rexes were never known to breathe fire and were actually more than just a product of people’s fantasies. But yeah, he got it, really. Dragons were reasonably cool too.
He remembered how much he had loved these gums when he had been a kid.
So much so, that he hadn’t minded being sick as much. He had even looked forward to dropping by at the pharmacy after the doctor’s visit to get the medicine he had prescribed, since his mother would always buy a pack of the throat gums too. She hadn’t even scolded him when he had opened them right away, eating them on their way back home and before dinner.
Basically, they had been the only good thing about being sick.
Each of the little gums was formed like a dragon with a cherry mint flavor, covered in crystalline sugar. According to the producer they were low sugar and medicine for children, but Kei had never quite believed that. They were just too sweet and delicious to be medicine. Why his mother had even bought them every time was a mystery to him.
Now that he was grown up, he seriously doubted the medical usefulness the big letters on the packaging promised. It was most likely only clever marketing.
God knew it had worked on him. And on Niichan as it seemed.
The pack swayed before his eyes when he didn’t immediately grab it, baiting him.
“Ah, you don’t want them then?” His brother teased. “You too old for them now?”
Yeah, Kei thought, staring at the illustration, a green dragon stupidly grinning back at him. He was too old for them now.
“And here Mom had already warned me, saying tha-“ Kei cut his brother off by quickly snatching the pack from his hand before he said much more or moved the gums out of his reach.
Of course he wanted them. Too old or not, they were fucking good and he needed a different taste in his mouth, something that wasn’t Mom’s tea.
His brother’s laughter sounded through the room now, light and carefree, and Kei wondered how often he had missed it just because he couldn’t even muster a smile for Niichan. No, he wouldn’t be thinking about that.
“I still buy them myself whenever I’m sick and I’m 22, so don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me,” his brother whispered, smiling.
Kei could feel the other’s eyes on him as he opened the pack, watching him tear the plastic. Once opened, Kei held it out to his big brother, silently offering him to take the first one. He really didn’t mind sharing if it meant seeing Niichan’s face light up like that.
No.
He really didn’t mind seeing him happy.
It was nice like this.
“Ohh~ Thank you!” Niichan beamed and immediately went to fish for a dragon, biting his bottom lip and groaning at how hard it was to grab one. Kei had to stifle a laugh, the corners of his mouth twitching.
“Kei, stop moving your hand!” The other complained.
“Then stop pushing so hard!” Kei replied softly, enjoying the moment far too much.
“The opening is too small!” Niichan whined again, his fingers wriggling deeper, the pressure causing Kei’s hand to give wayand dip into the mattress.
“I can’t believe it! Who opens a pack of sweets like that? I can't even fit 2 fingers!” Without a warning, Niichan shoved his other hand under Kei’s to press it upwards and hold it steady while he kept rummaging through the pack, tongue sticking out between his lips.
“Niichan!” Kei burst out at the contact and tried drawing back. But his brother wouldn't let him and he was far too weak and tired to put up much of a fight.
Gods, Niichan would surely catch his flu if he kept being so careless and touching him as if Kei wasn’t virulent at all. Especially his hands. Didn’t his brother know that this was where most of the germs sat?!
Wasn’t he at least a bit worried?
Damn it.
Admittedly, Kei could have just said something. He could have told his brother to stop with the touching and to wear a fucking sick mask because it was safer that way. But he knew fully well that Niichan didn't wear any, simply out of consideration. Because Kei had disliked them as a kid and his brother most likely believed that to still be the case. And it wasn't. Not really. They just … made reading people harder, that was all. It was hard enough trying to get people's emotions and intentions without white fabric covering half their faces.
Great, now he even felt a bit dizzy again, the heat crawling up his neck and cheeks. It would probably be wiser to lie down and rest. He wouldn’t tell his brother though and rain on his parade again.
No.
He wouldn’t do that.
He would wait patiently until Niichan got one dragon, two or three or four if he wanted to and then Kei would eat some himself, the entire pack if he felt like it.
“HA!” Niichan already exclaimed seconds later, releasing Kei’s hand and holding the little red gum between his thumb and index finger and proudly presenting it to Kei with a broad grin before tossing it into his mouth.
“Now, if you don’t hurry, I might just steal the entire pack from you.” His brother flashed a teasing smile. “I’m hungry, you know?”
This time, Kei couldn’t suppress a tiny smile. “I might be willing to let you have another,” he coughed. “Since you bought them.”
“Oho~ how generous of you,” Niichan chuckled and moved his hand to gently ruffle Kei’s hair again, just like Kei had expected him to. “But I probably shouldn’t.”
Leaning closer, Niichan whispered, “The ‘Zero Sugar’ is a lie, you know? And sadly, not all of us burn that away the way you do, little brother. I, for one,need to watch my figure.”
“No you don’t,” Kei stated flatly, finally sinking back into the mattress, feeling strangely relieved when his brother’s hand didn't immediately draw back but stayed to comb through his hair.
“Well, not yet,” the other laughed. “Nah~ you’re right. But they’re for the sick, you know? And believe it or not, I’m feeling pretty healthy. Eating them now just isn't the same.”
He had almost expected all of that to be some clever act and for Niichan to throw himself at the pack any second, especially now that Kei was in an even more vulnerable position than before, but he didn’t.
Convinced that his brother didn’t want another gum, Kei finally took one himself and stuffed it into his mouth, the sugar trickling down and onto his chest and the covers. They tasted just like he remembered. Gods, they really were the best thing about being sick. The dragons.
“You hungry?” His brother asked somewhat absentmindedly, his eyes following the movement of his thumb that had strayed from Kei’s hair, brushing along his forehead and tracing one of his eyebrows.
“Mom made some soup. Want me to get you some?”
Soup sounded good.
Stuffing another dragon into his mouth, Kei nodded reluctantly, his throat already a bit numb due to the mint.
“Good. Coz you sure can’t live on these little guys alone,” Niichan told him.
A second later the hand on his face was gone, snatching the pack of gums out of his grasp instead and placing it on the nightstand, out of his reach.
“Hey,” Kei complained weakly, but Niichan only smiled at him and pushed to his feet. “You know fully well that the soup’s gonna taste real awful if you eat too many of them before, so save them for later, okay?”
Of course.
Niichan was right.
He always was.
“I know that,” he muttered under his breath.
Kei made a point looking annoyed and rolled his eyes, although that didn’t seem to faze his brother, the soft smile still present on his face.
The door hadn’t even closed completely as their mother’s voice echoed through the house. The way she had said Akiteru indicated that she hadn’t been too happy to find Niichan emerging from Kei’s room and when his door opened again minutes later, it was his mother, carrying a bowl with steaming hot soup.
She probably had given Niichan a tongue-lashing and forbidden further interaction.
And she was right, really.
His brother was way too careless. He hadn’t even worn a sick mask.
Gladly, Kei was grown up now, he could cope with a sickness on his own.
It really wasn’t like he needed Niichan to stick around.
“I remember a very specific day on which my youngest son gave me something close to a death stare when I had asked the pharmacist to hand us one of these.” His mother said, shoving the pack with throat gums aside so she could place the bowl on his nightstand. “He said, ‘I am 13, not 6. Mother’ and I had to return them. Can you imagine?” She said with a teasing tone, her eyes smiling.
“I didn’t ask for them,” Kei justified with a mutter, eying the soup from the corner of his eye.
“But if your brother gets them for you, you-“
“I didn’t ask him to, but when he brought them, I didn't want to affront him, okay?” He cut her off and added, “that’s all there is to it.”
“Yeah, of course,” she said with a soft chuckle, ruffling his hair before bowing down and kissing his cheek through rough, white fabric.
That moment Kei wasn't even sure what he disliked most, the kiss or the mask that made it seem anything but warm and gentle.
It didn’t seem to matter to his mother. She'd kiss him with or without mask, no matter how often Kei had already told her not to kiss him at all. Of course she only meant well but he still couldn’t help groaning and rolling his eyes, causing her to sigh heavily.
“Yes, I know, I know. Now eat your soup.” She said with another sigh.
“Oh and before I forget, Kei.” She put on a more serious tone, hands on her hips, and Kei already knew what she would be telling him next.
“I have told Akiteru several times already this is not just some cold, this is the flu and it’s highly infectious. I will not have the both of you sick with fever. It’s tiring enough to take care of one of my sons, I can’t worry about the other as well. I told your brother to leave and postpone his visit to next weekend but he refused and insisted on staying.”
Kei avoided her gaze, dropping his own to the floor instead, but still felt his mother’s eyes bore into his skull. He felt strangely guilty.
“Now, of course, I would never force him to leave nor is it my intention to keep you isolated BUT if I find him in this room again with neither of you at least wearing a sick mask, you’ll be in serious trouble.”
“Yes,” Kei mumbled, his gaze still focusing on the shiny floor boards.
“Good,” she said before feeling his temperature and ruffling his hair again. “Tell me if you need anything, okay Sweetheart?”
“Yes,” Kei nodded and waited for her to leave.
She did, moments later, and made sure Kei heard the heavy sigh right before she walked out of his door.
After he finished the soup, Kei spent the rest of the day tossing and turning, dozing off now and then but never really deep asleep. At some point his mother was at his side again, placing a cool cloth on his forehead and telling him to go to sleep, before the lights were turned off and darkness engulfed him.
Like he could after doing nothing else but that the entire day.
Once she had left his room, Kei checked his phone. It was almost 10 pm. His skin was burning and tingling again, his head dizzy.
For a while, he only stared at the little device in his hand, pondering about whether or not to text his brother and ultimately decided that it wouldn't hurt either of them.
[Was Mom mad?] He asked, unsure of how else to start a conversation.
A short moment later his brother's reply appeared on the screen and Kei had to check repeatedly as the letters kept blurring.
[Not really. Don’t worry about it.] Knowing his brother, that was likely only half the truth.
[How are you?]
[I can’t sleep.] Unbidden, his lips started trembling again and Kei sank deeper into the covers in an attempt to find more warmth and stop the shivers. An invisible weight pressed onto his lungs then and breathing became even more difficult, more shallow.
[Did the fever go up again?]
Feeling much too heavy in his hand, Kei let the phone fall to his pillow and tried typing an answer sideways. Shaky fingers kept missing the keys and he had to correct himself more often than he wanted to before the words looked right and he finally pushed send.
[I think so.] Hot breath fogged up the display of his phone.
[I'll be over in a sec.]
Fuck. That really hadn’t been his intention. He was fine. It wasn’t like his brother could do anything to help him get better. Kei really didn’t need him. At least that’s what he tried so hard to convince himself of. Had been the entire day, ever since Niichan had shown up at his side the first time.
Gods, he really wished his brother would hurry.
Kei should probably send another text, reminding him to bring a fucking mask but after placing his phone on the nightstand, his hand felt way too heavy to move again.
Seconds later his door opened and Niichan entered.
"Hey," his brother whispered and slowly felt his way through the darkness and towards the bed. Once he had reached him, Niichan crouched down and felt his temperature by pressing the back of his hand against Kei’s cheek "I'm gonna turn on the small light, okay?"
Kei hummed his approval and immediately shielded his eyes from the sudden brightness. It took a moment for his eyes to get used even to the dim light and when they finally had, Kei found that it didn't even matter when he wasn't wearing his glasses. Yet just as he had wanted to reach for them, Niichan stopped his hand.
"Shh, leave them off now. You don't need them, Kei," he whispered and moved closer. Not close enough though as his face was still a bit blurry.
"You should try and get some sleep. Your body needs the rest, you know." He said softly and removed the washcloth from Kei’s forehead, feeling the damp and sweaty skin underneath.
"I'll get you a fresh one, okay? A cold one. That'll help cool your skin down a bit."
Yet Niichan didn’t leave. Even after what seemed like minutes, he was still just crouching there, running his hand over Kei's face and breathing softly. The sound was strangely comforting.
Kei wished he could see his face clearly, see if there was a smile like he thought there would be. He wished Niichan would stay. Stay as long as it took Kei to fall asleep and if he woke, no matter what hour, he wished Niichan would still be there. Run his fingers through his hair and maybe even press a kiss to his forehead before whispering, ‘it’s okay, go back to sleep’. It was dumb, really.
"What were you doing," Kei croaked, his breathing fast and shallow, leaning into his brother’s touch, though he knew he shouldn’t.
"Reading," the other whispered, his cool hand still wandering over Kei's face. Niichan should really hurry before their mother found them and got angry. Kei didn’t even remember where she had put the mask. Somewhere on his nightstand for sure, so he could easily reach it. Yeah. He should ask Niichan to hand it to him. Yeah, he should.
"Which book?" He asked instead, realizing that he didn't even know what kind of books his brother liked these days. He doubted Niichan still read about pirates and the search for samurais that smelled of sunflowers.
"It's called ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’," the other said softly, pushing stubborn strands of hair out of Kei’s face.
"Is it good?" That title didn’t ring any bells for Kei and he wondered what kind of story hid behind a fancy name like that.
"Yeah," Niichan assured him. "It's already my second read-through."
That got Kei’s attention. "What's it about?"
"It's about kings and queens and the war over the Iron Throne." A finger trailed down Kei’s nose.
That sounded more like something their mother would read. He would have picked the pirates over stuff like that any day.
"Did mom recommend it to you?" Kei asked puzzled, his breathing less frantic now, the shivers gone.
The gentle finger suddenly flicked his nose. “What’s that supposed to mean, huh?” His brother muttered affronted.
“Nothing,” Kei winced. “’Kings and queens’ just sounds like a perfect summary of Mom’s bookshelf.”
"It's not just that!" Niichan chuckled, playfully pressing down on the tip of Kei’s nose. "It's got amazing characters and dragons and direwolves the size of horses AND zombies. Not exactly what you’d find on Mom’s bookshelf."
It was funny. Somewhere along the way, the conversation had turned into something akin to playful banter, something they hadn’t had in years. Kei hadn’t even been sure, they could still talk like that and it made him giddy realizing that they could.
But maybe that was just the fever.
"A book about kings and queens with dragons AND zombies?" Kei asked skeptical, blowing hot breath at the finger tormenting his nose in order to chase it away and biting his tongue once he remembered that his breath wasn’t particularly safe either. He couldn’t believe his brother was into something so silly. "That's just weird."
"It's not weird!” All of a sudden the finger was gone.
“Gods, Kei, you have no idea what you're missing out on." Niichan came closer and stopped only centimeters from Kei’s face, his eyes shining and reflecting the dim light from his bed lamp. There was no mask covering his mouth either.
Their mother would kill them.
“In that world, summers and winters last for years, decades sometimes. Winters are said to be so cold, that people freeze to death in their homes, in tiny sheds and huge castles alike, and mothers kill their newborn babies to spare them, while tears turn to ice on their skin. And in the far North, they’ve got a giant wall, as high as the Eiffel Tower, manned by outcasts – lords as well as thieves and murderers, rapists and orphaned boys even younger than you. The Night's Watch, clad entirely in black, protecting the realm from the horrors that lie beyond in endless winter, mammoths and giants and the White Walkers.”
While his brother went on describing this grim world to him, Kei could do nothing but hold his breath and stare at amber eyes, he thought had been nothing but some sort of feverish fantasy. Yet here they were again, boring into his, and Kei could almost see castles buried by snow reflecting in them.
“'Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all the nights to come.'” Niichan said in a low, husky voice that made Kei swallow thickly, goose bumps spreading on his skin and making it tingle. “That’s the oath they swear, now don't judge me coz I can recite it. It's just so damn cool. Anyway, then there's th-”
"Okay, okay!" Kei coughed, cutting his brother off.
“But that's only one part of it! I haven't even told you about the dragons yet!” His brother complained.
“I know. Don't.” Kei panted, almost regretting that he had stopped the other's flood of words. “Just get it.”
It had always been like this, Kei realised. His brother just had a way of inspiring him. No matter how boring something sounded to Kei, once Niichan looked at him with those eyes, wide and full of excitement and love, going on about what it was that made it so awesome, Kei had no choice but to feel the same.
Back when he had been little, he had thought volleyball to be boring too.
"You want me to read it to you?" Niichan whispered in bewilderment before his eyes turned wide and radiant, amber orbs were shining at Kei.
And maybe he did. Yeah. Though it felt weird asking for it.
"It's okay if you don't want to," Kei mumbled, averting his gaze.
"I'll be right back!" The other exclaimed happily, before pushing to his feet and storming out the door.
Not even a minute later the door opened again and Niichan hurried inside, waving something that most likely was the book in question.
"That's it?" Kei asked, trying to sit up, his arms painfully heavy. There surely was a lot to read in that one.
"Ha! Silly. That's only the first volume. There are 5 so far." When his brother was next to him again, he handed Kei a cool washcloth and gently shoved his shoulder, wordlessly asking Kei to make room.
If their mother saw, they were in for real trouble. She had warned him after all, had told him to at least wear sick masks. Finding that both her sons had ignored her instructions and even shared a bed now would most likely tick her off. Yet just as Kei wanted to object, Niichan groaned exaggeratedly, as if reading his mind, and waved the fat book in front of Kei's face.
"I am not gonna read that to you sitting on the hard, cold floor and don't even think of telling me to put on a sick mask, now scoot over." Once Kei did, his brother climbed in with him and made himself comfortable, his head supported by a pillow pressed up against the wall and his feet snaking under Kei's covers.
"Now then, my sweet summer child, prepare yourself for a world full of wonders and winter, that might or might not be coming." Kei laid the washcloth on his face and then pushed up against Niichan, using his shoulder as a pillow, sighing happily as his brother’s familiar scent crawled up his nose. When the other finally opened the book, Kei smiled softly.
It reminded him of when he had been little. Back then Niichan had often read him his favourite books. Kei had always loved how his brother used different voices for different characters. How he made everything seem so colorful and exciting. Like that, Kei only had to close his eyes and he’d suddenly find himself in the midst of sunflower fields and on decks of pirate ships.
"'We should start back,' Gared urged as the woods began to grow dark around them.' The wildlings are dead.'"
Yeah. Or deep within dark woods with strangers he had no idea what to expect from.
"'Do the dead frighten you?' Ser Waymar Royce asked with just the hint of a smile. Gared did not rise to the bait. He was an old man, past fifty, and he had seen the lordlings come and go."
Kei took a deep breath and closed his eyes, curious as to what he’d be seeing next, when all of a sudden the phone on his nightstand beeped and he was forcefully pulled back to reality.
His brother's voice died and even after moments he didn’t get on with the book.
“You got a text,” was all Niichan said.
As if Kei hadn’t noticed.
“Yeah,” he muttered, intending to just ignore it in the hopes that his brother would finally continue reading. He didn’t though.
“Well, don’t you wanna know who it is?” Niichan asked instead, craning his neck at him.
“It’s just Yamaguchi,” Kei replied.
His best friend had texted him all day, constantly asking how he was and telling him to get better. Yamaguchi would even text him during classes, complaining about this and that, seemingly not even expecting an answer. It was more keeping Kei up-to-date. Which was nice, really, but Kei just didn’t feel the need to reply to every single message. Right now, he didn’t even feel like reading it. It probably said something along the lines of ‘good night’ and ‘get better soon.’ Kei would send a text in the morning.
“If you know it’s him, then just read it and send a quick reply. He’s probably worried, you know.” His brother put the book down and reached for the phone, offering it to Kei.
“He sends texts all day.”
“That just proves how worried he is!” Niichan told him. “Now come on, at least read it. Maybe it’s important.”
Sighing, Kei cracked an eye open but made no attempt to take the phone.
“What does it say then?” Kei asked, letting his eyes drift shut again.
A heavy sigh later, his brother read the text.
“It says, Hey Tsukki – three exclamation marks – How are you? I’m off to bed now. Please get well soon – two exclamation marks and a very worried emoticon if I might add – Good night – back to three exclamation marks.” As expected , Kei thought.
“See?” Kei uttered, the corners of his mouth twitching. “Now, if you want to answer so badly, you’re free to tell him, ‘I’m fine now.’ ” He mumbled, almost a bit embarrassed at the confession.
“That’s all?!” His brother asked slightly shocked.
“What else am I supposed to say? He asked how I was and I’m feeling fine this very moment, so just write that and hit send.” Kei couldn’t keep the annoyed tone out of his voice completely, even less so as he had felt his brother shake his head at the words of his awkward little brother.
Only after a few moments did Niichan seem to get the implications, asking with a soft, hushed voice, “so, you’re feeling fine now?” Quick fingers tapped the display over and over again.
“Yes,” Kei whispered, pressing his face further into his brother’s hoodie, inhaling deeply and bashfully curling his hand at the other’s chest, the fabric soft in his grasp.
“Never doubt the power of the throat dragons, I guess,” Niichan breathed, his voice trembling slightly but thick with a smile.
Yeah, Kei thought, his brother’s rapid heartbeat vibrating against his hand and cheek. The dragons.
When Niichan finally put the phone away and picked the book back up, Kei muttered, “you better not have added some stupid emoticon.”
“Don’t worry,” his brother chuckled. “I picked an extra grumpy one to keep it authentic.”
Kei had wanted to complain at that but found that he didn’t really care enough once Niichan’s head came to lean against his and he continued reading the prologue.
“'Dead is dead,' he said. 'We have no business with the dead.' – 'Are they dead?' Royce asked softly. 'What proof have we?'”
It was still true though.
He didn’t need Niichan to be around like he had as a child.
He was fine on his own now.
Because Kei wasn’t that child anymore.
Today, he was grown up enough to cope with a stupid flu himself.
And grown up enough to admit, that even though he could get by just fine on his own, everything was still a thousand times better when Niichan was around.
That even at the age of 16, the best thing about being sick was still dragons.
And Niichan.