Archive of Our Own

"Then show me a light that shines

brighter than your green eyes, 

and find me a pain that cuts 

deeper than losing you..." 

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LIGHTHOUSE

Date of birth: 2nd of July 1965

Welcome to the world, sweetheart! 

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"Sweetheart? Are you coming?" Snake was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard a familiar voice at the door, accompanied by a small knock. "Yeah, yeah I'll be right there Wolf, gimme 5 minutes!" The serpent heaved a sigh and readjusted himself on the bed, rubbing at his eyes with the tip of his tail, only to let it flop down onto the bedsheets again with a grunt. 

What's the use anyway? You can't just rub the vision back into your eyes Snake!, he thought to himself while flattening his shirt, desperately hoping he'd picked out a decent one. He squirmed, the new position his coils were in not helping much, he was still itchy. And it was a pain in the ass, like hundreds, heck, thousands of fleas scurrying over his body, keeping him restless. 

The serpent had gone through lots and lots of molts throughout his life. It was always the same:

first, his scales would turn dull and his belly would take on an embarrassing pinkish color. After a few days, he'd go "being in blue", a milky blue cover clouding his eyesight. Then finally, after his eyes go back to normal, the actual shedding could start. 

It would itch here and there through the process, Snake was used to that by now. It was bearable. 

But, naturally, there had been some molts that stepped out of line. The one he was in would definitely be added to the list, maybe even top tier...

And oh, just how convenient that was, when he was supposed to be with the others for an afternoon coffee by now. Normally he'd just stay in his room for a few days until it all wore off, but in all honesty, who could resist Wolf's pleading eyes, piercing love daggers right through Snake's heart every fucking time. Let alone the toothy smile, the twinkle in his eyes, the wildly wagging tail made the serpent's heart melt, leaving him absolutely defenseless. 

So in the end, he had agreed to pause his isolation for just a tiny cup of the freshly brewed liquid. 

Looked like his eyesight had other plans.

It won't be long, just get it over with. If it makes him happy... 

Snake shivered, his skin itching yet again while he moved his coils off the bed, flinching as he heard something drop right beside him. 

Ah, shoot. 

He flicked out his tongue and fumbled around with his tail until it landed on - a book. 

There we go. 

Snake carefully placed it onto the nightstand, then ran his tail over the cover, feeling for any fractures. Snake wasn't much of a reader, but this book truly held a special place in his heart. 

Sure, it was rather worn-out already, some jags here, some loose pages there, a few speckles of spilled ink, multiple bookmarks and so on. No shit, anyone would throw it into the dumpster without a second thought.

But not him. 

Because this simple old book held things worth being cherished. Dates, memories, secrets, things Snake would rather forget about but couldn't. It was his, his alone, and the date engraved on the cover confirmed it.

Date of birth: 2nd of July 1965, written in rolling letters, pressed so deeply into the cover he could feel every word with the tip of his tail.

It hadn't always just been his book though. At the beginning, it had been his mother's. The letters on the cover, they were hers. Everything written on the first 23 pages was hers. There was a picture of her, glued onto page number 5, he knew that, like he knew every page off by heart, but he didn't need a picture to see her.

He could see her when he looked into the mirror: he had the same snout, the same scales, even the same chain-like pattern resembled her. The only thing different were the eyes, his eyes were brown, like dark chocolate, whereas hers had been green, like mints, filled to the brim with hope and unconditional love. 

Absentmindedly going through a few pages, he could feel her in every letter he traced with his tail. Flickering his tongue out, he could've sworn that the book had a hint of her scent on it, smelling like the daisies from their garden, like rosemary and Guinea pig stew.

A gasp escaped his mouth when his tail stopped abruptly at a bookmark. A red one, he knew that. It marked page 69. An ice cold shiver ran down his spine just thinking about it. Don't think about page 69, just-

He shook his head. You're thinking about this more than you should. Five minutes are probably long over, get it over with… 

Slowly, and maybe even a bit hesitantly turning away from the book, Snake slithered around the bed with utmost caution, careful not to- 

BONK! 

"OW, SHIT", the serpent cursed and rubbed his temple, which he had successfully bumped onto the open closet door. He hissed, hoping it'd just leave a scratch, until… 

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"OW" the serpent grunted and hissed in pain as one of his coils scraped harshly against a particularly big rock, sending an acute pain throughout his body. Tears emerged in his eyes and started to roll down his cheeks as he looked at the wound the fall had caused. Maybe climbing onto the tree hadn't been that good of an idea…

Sudden movement made him glance up, meeting the eyes of another, very worried reptile. "Oh honey, what happened? There there, show me where it hurts, love…" Snake sniffled, rubbing his head against the serpent, who now fumbled inside a first-aid box she had brought along, taking out some disinfectant.

"I'm sorry Mommy, I wanted to… make a hideout in the tree, but I fell… I let you down… His mother looked up. "What do you mean by that, honey?", she asked while applying the disinfectant onto the wound with care.

"You- hgnh- you always say I need to take care of my scales, and- and now they don't look nice anymore." the little serpent explained, his lip wobbling slightly while he wiped his tears with his tail. A slight chuckle escaped his mother at that, finishing up the treatment with some fresh bandages.

"Come on up here, darling", she invited him to lay down on one of her big coils and began stroking the patched up wound with the tip of her tail. "You know what's coming up next week, don't you?" An eager nod. "My next molt." "Bingo! Do you know what happens to scrapes like these when you molt?" A silent shake with the head. His mother snapped her tail. "They disappear. Like magic!"

A gasp escaped Snake's mouth. "And then I'll be all better?"

"Yes, my love. You know, every single one of your molts is special. Because every time you molt, it's like a new little slice of life starting for you, like taking a fresh towel when the old one is dirty and worn out.", she explains to the little reptile beaming at her.

"Will you help me with my hideout after I have my fresh towel, mommy?"

"Of course I will, honey", she laughed before squeezing her child against her chest, who began to giggle. "But I don't wanna catch you sneaking too many mints up there, capiche? I've got my eye on you, young man..", the serpent teased as they laughed, sitting together under the big branches of the beech tree in their happy home. 

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Ugh… What the fuck was wrong today? 

Stuff like that never happened to Snake, he didn't have… flashbacks like these, not usually…

Snake frowned and closed his eyes as he tried to shake off the memory. Not that his eyes being open would do much anyway. 

The pain in his temple had almost fully vanished as the serpent slithered through the hall towards the kitchen, occasionally twitching when one of his coils itched.

Just ten minutes. Not one more. Just for Wolf. 

"Heyyy, look who it is!" 

Snake slightly flinched upon hearing Webs's familiar voice, followed by fast tipping on a keyboard. She must be chatting with the governor again.

"Come sit down sweetheart, I'll pour you a cup" The reptile followed Wolf's voice, reaching his chair and quickly settling down on it. Fucking finally. At least he wouldn't bump into anything for the next few minutes. 

As he couldn't rely on his eyesight at the moment, he let his hearing do the work for now. Tarantula was still typing, Wolf was presumably rummaging amongst some tableware, whereas the other two were invested in a card game, given Piranha's sudden "HA! Go fish!" and an annoyed grunt from Shark.

Then, there was a pouring sound, shuffling of cards aswell...maybe? Snake huffed and even considered closing his eyes again, deeply bugged by his temporary disability. It was taking way too long for his liking, and being in this particular state made him feel so...vulnerable and...restricted, only being able to guess what was going on around him and all.

What he could definitely register though, A mug gently set down in front of him, followed by a worried "Hey, everything okay? You have a little something on your head..." Snake shot back a simple "S'nothing" before bending down and flickering his tongue into the mug. Immediately, his snout scrunched up, noticing that his coffee was missing a bit of sugar.

To top it all off, there came some sudden snickering and laughter from the other side of the table. "Eheh, interesting choice of clothing today, Papa! Where'd you- ey!", it came from Piranha, plus a sound that could possibly be Shark wheezing loudly, a quiet "stop!" coming from Webs, accompanied by a slapping sound. For fuck's sake, what the hell was he wearing?

"Oh, I'm sorry Snake, let me get the sugar for", Wolf's voice came from the side, but Snake cut him off with a hiss. "I got it.", he declared, knowing that the sugar bin was always, always on his side of the table. Well, it usually was.

Snake's tail collided with the not properly closed milk bottle, knocking it over and sending its containment all over the table, provoking chaos as the liquid washed all over Piranha's and Shark's cards lying on the table.

Almost immediately, Piranha began shouting while Shark frantically tried to save some of the cards, utterly failing. Snake could hear Wolf stumbling out of his seat and running into the kitchen, Piranha was still full on roaring while Webs blamed him for not shutting the bottle properly. Snake was caught in the middle of all that, his head hurting from all the shouting and the tries of assigning random noises, his coils itching like crazy as he shifted in his seat like a little child.

Tarantula tried to calm down the two boys but to no avail, as if they didn't understand the concept of "shut up". Not even the "I'm sure we have another card game somewhere in the apartment" seemed to help. God, he just wanted to leave! His head pounded and the itching got worse and worse and wouldn't stop, he felt like he was going insane, shutting his eyes when-

"Oh, you're taking HIS side now, chica? Wolf was gonna get the sugar for him, but noooo! Pinkie just can't ask f-"

"WHAT did you just call me?!" Snake snarled, eyes shooting up, his anger even more provoked, fangs blinking furiously as he tried to dart over the table. "How DARE you to ckh-!"

The reptile was cut off all of a sudden as someone grabbed him from behind and held onto him tightly. What the hell? What's going on? Holy shit, you're being held, someone is holding you, who is it, what is happening?! You gotta get away, getawaygetawaygetawaygetaway-

The serpent couldn't hear anything, thoughts racing through his mind, his heart hammering in his chest, his temples pounding, his coils itching, everything happening all at once while he furiously wiggled in the grasp. It was too much, it was all way to much, causing his brain to flip a switch to defensive mode, his fangs instinctively darting downwards, sinking into the first thing they reached.

He was let go of immediately and slithered away like the devil was on his tail, cursing loudly as he slammed headfirst into the door frame.

__________________________________

After shutting the door, Snake massaged his snout and forhead in pain, breathing heavily on the bedroom floor. His mind was going haywire and he tried his very best to sort out his thoughts, but simply couldn't. He made his way over to the bed, rubbing his coils at the wood, grunting in immense discomfort before furiously fumbling with the buttons of his shirt, ripping it off and tossing it into the corner. Fuck, it itched so badly!

He grabbed the nightstand with his tail for stability, getting into contact with the still open book. Halting all of a sudden, he automatically started to trace the words written on the page as his mind seemed to clear up a bit: page 23.

Page 23 

June 14th 1973, molt number 119

Swinging never fails to get him to sleep… 

______

"Mommy?" The female serpent lifted her head from the pillow, squinting her eyes open and spotting her child sitting cautiously in the hallway with worried, clouded eyes darting around. "I'm here love, what's wrong?", she asked, but immediately noticed that the little serpent squirmed around with his coils, more than usual at least.

"Oh honey, we have an itchy situation, don't we?", she added, getting a meek nod from her son, who then looked downcast in guilt. His mother frowned in concern, knowing that the current molt her child was in surely did him dirty. "I'm sorry for waking you...but I couldn't sleep..." "Don't be'', his mother said with a yawn while checking the clock on her nightstand and sitting up, "it's almost sunrise anyway, how about we head to the veranda for a swing?"

Her suggestion earned her a happier nod this time, even though it was directed at the vase in the hall rather than her, but she couldn't really blame him for that. Plus, she received a cute little tail wag as a bonus.

With a chuckle, the female serpent got out of bed and approached her child carefully. "On your left my dear, come on up", she declared, the little Snake flickering out his tongue while climbing his mother's neck and wrapping himself around it. Together, they made their way down to the kitchen, brewing a cup of coffee and slithering outside afterwards.

The air was crisp and mildly chilly, dew clinging on the grass and fog still hovering over the fields like a languid curtain. After settling her offspring down into the checkered hammock tied between two beams of their porch, she quickly climbed in aswell, watching the little Snake making himself comfortable. Putting her mug in between her coils, she swiftly turned to give the hammock a light nudge when she heard a weird sound.

Frowning, she turned back only to see her son sticking out his teeny forked tongue and scrunching up his face in disgust.

"Hey, that's my coffee, you sly little thing!", she laughed as she quickly snatched her mug and took a sip of the hot liquid.

"Bleugh! That's so bitter mommy!", Snake snorted and battered his head.

"Well it's your own fault, curiosity killed the cat after all, honey"

"I don't think I'll ever like coffee, nuh-uh!"

"We'll see about that, love", his mother chuckled, then noticed her child beginning to squirm again and wildly rubbing his head against his coils, a slight nudge with her own signalizing him to quit what he was doing.

They sat together in silence for a while, the little serpents clouded eyes gazing around with no focus, his body occasionally twitching.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, love?"

"Do you think I'll ever be able to molt by myself?", the little serpent asked, clearly concerned if he'd be able to handle things on his own in the future. His mother thought for a second before answering.

"Let me ask you this. What did you learn at school about our town's lighthouse a few weeks back?" The little reptile let his tongue stick out and pursed his lips as he speculated, trying to connect the dots.

"Uh...the lighthouse helps our ships...when they're lost at sea?" he replied with a sheepish grin.

"That's right. The lighthouse gets ships back on the right path, whenever they need help, it gives them guidance, protection, trust and reliance." The female serpent gently cupped her child's cheek with her tail, turning his head over so she could stare into his beautiful big eyes, even though they had their trouble focusing at the moment.

"You do still have a lot to learn, honey, but there's one thing I want you to know. When you need help, or you feel like you've gotten off the right tracks, then you can always come to me, and I'll be your lighthouse, helping you and caring for you and giving you advice. I'll be your guidance, your protection, I'll give you trust and reliance whenever you want me to. Okay?"

The little serpent eagerly nodded at his mother, before narrowing his eyes, then lighting up again right after.

"You know what mommy? I can be your lighthouse too, and then we can help each other!", he announced with a wagging tail. His mother just smiled and pressed him against her chest. "That's a wonderful idea honey. Now...", the female reptile gave one of the beams a light nudge, sending the hammock to swing in a calming rhythm, "try to get a little bit of sleep my dear"

Snake cuddled into his mother's coils, feeling his eyes slowly grow heavy from the swinging and his mother's tail caressing his scales. "I love you mommy...", he still got to say before closing his eyes, feeling a kiss planted onto his forehead before starting to drift off to sleep.

"I love you too, sweetheart."

_______________________________

Snake caught himself slowly bobbing back and forth as he snapped out of his thoughts. Shaking his head in confusion, he closed the book and put it into the top drawer of the nightstand, wondering why he had fetched it so early in the first place.

The serpent really started to question if it was the pages of the book or something else that caused his brain to bring up all the times he had shut out of his mind. This wasn't normal at all, and he was far from happy about it. Just don't think about it. Just don't think about it, and don't even dare to think about page 69!, the serpent tried to scream at his mind.

Sudden sounds coming from the apartment's kitchen shook him out of his thoughts yet again as he furrowed his brows and slowly approached the door, leaning his head against it like he used to do it while cracking safes, carefully listening to what was going on. He couldn't even remember anything, it had all been too blurry. But what he heard made his body shudder.

"I got the first aid kit! I got the first aid kit." Why would they need-

"I'm really sorry hermano, I don't know why he got so worked up because of that..."

"Don't mention it Piranha, it's okay...Webs?"

"Let me see... oooh that looks bitter... Piranha, off the table!" What? What-

"I just don't get it! Why would he just take off like that after biting you??"

He...what?!

Snake's eyes went wide and his breath hitched in his throat as he processed what he just heard. He slightly shook his head in disbelief, backing away from the door as if it were to attack him any second.

His coils started to itch, to shake even as a wave of dizziness washed over him, reminding him that he still needed to breathe.

The serpent fled further to the back of the room, knocking over a lamp in the process and flinched at the loud crash that came with it.

No. No. Please don't let this be real, it can't be real.

Monster! 

His trembling body hit the blinds, indicating that he couldn't go back any more while his clouded eyes darted around and his mouth hung agape, not one shaky breath he took fully able to fill his lungs.

And while he could've sworn he should still be in blue, dark figures suddenly started appearing in his view, slowly closing in on him, circling him like a predator hunting its prey. Snake desperately tried to block them off by shutting his eyes in hopes they'd simply disappear.

But then came the sounds, screams and laughter all around him, creeping up and settling into his ear like a parasite.

Shut up.

Stop laughing.

Pathetic... When are you finally gonna give up?

Now what do we have here?

What are you gonna do, huh?

He felt his stomach twist in disgust as he heard a gruesome popping sound, followed by more screams echoing in his ears.

Are you seeing this?

What a jerk!

Go back to hell, you pest!

No, please, I didn't-

The serpent shrunk into his coils, his breathing worsening when he opened his eyes again.

All of a sudden, there was fire.

It was all around him, he could see it clearly, he could even hear it, the glowing sparks flying through the air, flames flickering ominously.

There was a cracking sound, cracking wood, destroyed and turned to ashes that travelled into his lungs.

His eyes threatened to fall out of his sockets as he tried to breathe, but felt as if he'd suffocate, the fire consuming all the air, the smoke causing tears to prickle in his eyes.

But you can't really blame us, can you?

No, No, No, No, please god almighty, NO!

You've only got yourself to blame.

NO!

His heart pounded like a stampede, pounded no longer in his chest but more likely in his throat, making Snake believe he'd have to spit it out of his shaking body any second. He was alone, he was alone again.

He wheezed as he silently pleaded for it to stop, prayed for someone to get him out of this hell he fell into. 

"Snake!" 

Suddenly, among the screams and the seemingly everlasting flames, there was a voice, familiar to the serpent like no other. 

"Snake, Snake sweetheart, you're having a panic attack!" 

He… was? The reptile needed a few seconds to process until he halfway realized that Wolf might be with him. No. No he couldn't risk-

Snake quickly wrapped his tail around his snout, forcing it shut as he tried to jerk away a bit, tears streaming down his face. 

"Snake, it's okay, I'm here, can you hear me?" The canine's voice echoed calmly through Snake's mind, easing up the flames and making the shadows go away. Yet, the serpent hid inside his own coils, gritting his teeth as he dared to speak up. "Wolf…?" 

"Oh, Snake, oh God- I'm here with you darling, I'm here.." 

A sudden touch on his body made him jump and hopefully face away from the lupine. He really was there! No he couldn't be! This wasn't good at all! 

"Sorry, sorry I didn't mean to startle-" 

"Wolf please, I… I don't want to-'', Snake started, frantically shaking his head, only to fall into panic again, breathing heavily on the bedroom floor before hearing his boyfriend speak again. 

"Snake, listen to me, you need to breathe, you hear me? Gotta take deep breaths. We'll do it together, alright? You and me. Nice deep breaths. Deep breath in."

The serpent could hear Wolf inhale, he followed shortly after, even if it was hard. "And deep breath out." An exhale could be heard, Snake following suit. They stayed like this for some time, slowly breathing in unison, Wolf giving the commands, Snake obeying silently. "That's right, remember to breathe…" 

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"Remember to breathe, sweetie!" "But mommy, I'm just so excited!" The young serpent bounced on the spot, eagerly rummaging in a cardboard box with his tail. After a few seconds, he pulled out a bunch of colorful streamers, a satisfied smile plastered on his face, one he'd been wearing the whole day long already. Then, he quickly slithered onto one of the chairs that were placed around a table in the garden, right under their huge beech tree.

Grunting, he stretched as far as it was possible for him, trying to reach a giant branch to tie the decoration around it.

"Well it is your big day today hunny, but try to take it easy. Careful now..." His mother had come over, joining him on the stool, wrapping her tail around his tiny body. "And up you go!", she exclaimed while lifting up her child. The little reptile attached the streamers and sqirmed excitedly at his achievement, causing the chair to fall over, which sent both of them falling straight into the grass.

Baffled, they looked at each other for a few seconds before erupting into a fit of laughter. "Ohoh you little rascal!", Snake's mother chuckled as she pulled him closer and teasingly blew raspberries onto her little one's belly, making him shriek and wiggle around on the ground, pleading for her to stop. "Okay, but only because you're the birthday boy", she remarked and carefully wiped some blades of grass off of Snake's shirt and head. "Now, you stay here and wait for your guests, I still have to finish your cake." And with that, she disappeared into the house.

Snake sat under the tree for a few more minutes, staring up at the decorations hanging from the tree branches.

The weather was perfect, sunbeams shining through the leaves onto the beautifully decorated setting, creating little moving dots of light on the table, the chairs, the grass, dancing around like fireflies. After putting the chair back, the little serpent took his place at the head of the table, grinning widely.

He was turning eight today! Eight! He had been waiting for weeks, no, months for this day to come around. And two weeks ago, he had given out party invitations to all of his classmates, even though it had cost him a lot of courage. But some of them had smiled at him and immediately packed them away into their schoolbags, so that must've been a good sign, right?

Snake was convinced: this was going to be the best birthday ever, not because he was turning a year older, but because he was gonna celebrate it with all of his classmates. His first big party.

It was almost 2 pm. Any minute now, his guests would arrive. He almost exploded of excitement as his mother brought out his birthday cake, eight candles on top of it, burning bright. She lovingly caressed his cheek and put a striped birthday hat on his head. "Happy Birthday, sweetie."

"Thank you mommy.", the reptile replied and watched as his mother put a slice of cake on his plate, his own tail wiggling around with joy. This was gonna be perfect.

Half an hour passed, but no one came. However, it didn't bother the little serpent too much, after all, his house was practically at the end of the suburb, so they probably needed some time to get there. Still with a smile on his face, he eagerly kept on waiting.

An hour passed, but no one came. Snake did start to worry a bit, hopefully no one got lost on their way, after all, his house was a little secluded. Shifting a bit on his chair, he craned his neck to get a better view onto the road, still with a smile on his face. Another hour passed, but no one came. The little reptile had changed his location and sat on the letterbox by now, watching the road intensely. Everytime a car neared, his spine straightened, his smile widened and his eyes glowed, only for it all to disappear again as every car drove by, taking a bit of his hopes away.

Another hour passed, and the serpent was back at his designated place at the head of the table, the only thing sitting in front of him being his birthday cake, where the cream had started to melt a little and the eight candles stood, a bit lopsided, but still burning weakly. His gaze went over the untouched plates, glasses, and party hats, then towards the empty road before landing on his melted slice of cake again. The sun had stopped shining through the tree branches, blocked away from some grey clouds emerging.

The wind picked up slightly, and Snake had to fight back the emerging tears as he sat alone at his birthday table, head sunken down, not even noticing the wind blowing out his candles as if he didn't deserve to do it himself.

His mother called out to him from the doorstep to come inside, but was cut off as he quickly slithered past her, up to his room. Snatching his pillow, he wrapped his coils around it and began crying into the fabric, letting out everything he had bravely held in for the past few hours, gripping his bedsheets with his tail and drowning in his own little puddle of sadness. Noone, none of his classmates showed up. Did they just not find the way? Maybe something else got in the way? Or...did they just forget?

Choked little sobs fought their way out of his mouth and overshadowed the crumpled birthday hat lying lonely in the corner and the quiet, but hurried clattering of tableware from outside.

A few minutes later, he felt warm coils wrap around his own, a soft tail loosening the grip of his own on the bedsheets, and a soft voice calling out to him. In his frustration, he began rubbing his tiny head against his mother's chest as she wiped off the big tears emerging from his eyes.

They stayed like this for some time, before he pulled back with a sniffle, his mother gently lifting his chin. "Felling a little better?" He gave her a sad nod. She noticed, of course she did. Then, she smiled.

"I've got something for you" She reached behind her back, and pulled out a neatly wrapped little package, a red ribbon crowning on top. The little reptile let his tail run over the wrapping, glancing up at his mother, who just nodded back at him and then at the present.

Smiling slightly, he carefully slid the lid off of the package, peeked inside and spotted-

"A hat?"

Curiously, he pulled out the accessoire, tilting it from side to side.

It was a big, way too big, tan bucket hat, with a slightly darker strap around it. "It...was your father's. You've mentioned how you'd like a bucket hat, so I thought maybe you'd like to have it.", his mother spoke up. "I love it", the little serpent whispered and placed his gift onto his head, scoffing as it slid down over his eyes immediately.

"Aw, you'll grow into it sweetheart, you'll see!", his mother said with a chuckle, her smile fading in an instant as her child glanced up from under the hat with a doubtful expression. "Do you...think it's my fault?", the little reptile meakly asked, tracing circles on the bedsheets with his tail, meeting his gaze with his mother's again as she lifted his hat a little, her voice a bit shaky, but sincere.

"No hunny, no, of course it's not..."

She paused, searching for the right words before continuing. "Love, I don't know why you didn't have any guests today, but don't let that bring you down. Because one day, you're gonna find people that will come to your party, or they'll find you, who knows? The important thing is that you'll hold on to them with all your heart. Give it some more time sweetie, there are people who will love you just the way you are."

The reptile nodded and smiled sadly as he pressed his head back onto his mothers chest, letting the genuine words of his mother sink in as she traced her tail over his back scales. "By the way hunny, would you still like some cake? It'll go bad otherwise."

He could only shake his head, glancing over at his party hat in the corner as raindrops pinged onto the window sill. 

___________________________________

Wolf could hear soft pinging of raindrops starting to hit the roofs of the buildings outside as he had his gaze fixed on his boyfriend.

Currently, the serpent was sitting before him, his head resting on the canine's shoulder, breathing in a normal rhythm again. Thank God he calmed down. He rarely saw Snake so… out of it. But that was not up for discussion at the moment, the lupine thought to himself, determined to ease up the serpent's discomfort first and getting to the bottom of all… that afterwards. 

Standing up, he cursed to himself internally as he accidentally jostled Snake, remembering that he still couldn't see at all.

"Wolf? What…" 

"Don't worry love, I'll be right back", he assured him, turning away and heading straight to the bathroom where he ran a bath for his boyfriend, knowing very well that this was an excellent choice for itching coils. After putting in some calming scents as well (he didn't even know what it was, only Shark used it), he hurried back to get Snake.

Kneeling down beside the clearly irritated reptile, Wolf quietly spoke up, patting his paw on the ground. "On your left sweetheart, come on up." 

Moments passed, the reptile obviously hesitated, but eventually slithered into the canine's arms, who carried him into the bathroom and set him into the lukewarm water to soak his scales in. Wolf sighed and slumped down on the tiles beside the tub, letting his arms rest on his knees as he eyed the serpent. Only Snake's head stuck out of the water and rested on the edge of the bathtub, his blank eyes staring aimlessly into the room, his tongue flickering.

Wolf subconsciously took a deep breath and was able to assign the scents wavering in the room by now. It smelled like lavender, roses, bit of rosemary. Damn, Shark knew what was good.

But even with the calming oils, the oppressive atmosphere in the room couldn't be denied, forming a lump of worry in the lupine's throat as he let the past events wash over him once more. It pained him to see Snake like this, but what hurt the most was the fact that Wolf couldn't see what hurt him so much, what had caused him to have a godforsaken panic attack.

He was still shaken from finding him heaving and crying at the end of the room, a broken lamp shattered on the floor. It was kind of hard for the canine to believe that only the bite had caused this, could there be more to it? Wolf wordlessly pleaded for Snake to say something, anything that could explain all this, or at least lock eyes with him, even though he knew it wasn't possible.

Please, look at me. Just once.

Sighing yet again, Wolf let his head sink down into his arms and closed his eyes. Snake had told him once that when his eyes were in blue, he could only see white. Now, the canine only saw black, at least they could match.

"How bad is it?". Wolf's ears perked up instantly at the quiet, tentatively asked question of the reptile, who had his eyes fixed onto some point on the ground, eyebrows furrowed in visible worry.

The canine looked down onto his bandaged arm for a second, observing two blood red dots slightly piercing through the fabric.

"Hah...It could be worse", he casually remarked, realizing the absolute stupidity of that answer after a split second. You fucking moron, why would you say that?!

He frantically began waving his paws around. "Eh..No...no, no sweetheart, I didn't mean it like that! I... Well, you see I was gonna say-"

"It's fine", it came dryly from Snake. "I know what you must think of me." Wolf could only scoff, his paws dropping into his lap as the words hit him like a hammer. "What do you mean?"

"Don't sound so oblivious to it, you know what I'm talking about! I lashed out back there, I almost attacked Piranha and you're hurt because of-!", Snake spat out while screwing his eyes shut and shaking his head."...because of me."

The serpent laid his head down onto the edge of the tub again. Wolf got onto his knees, putting his arms onto the tub aswell. "Y-Snake, don't talk like that, I'm fine! Besides, if anyone should apologize, it's me."

"What? But-"

The canine simply cut him off. "I wasn't finished. I- Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lured you out of your molting cycle because of something so unimportant like a coffee. And I should've known you'd be irritated by me just grabbing you like that, that wasn't very insightful of me... Can you forgive me for that?" Snake looked more than baffled at that, even if his gaze was fixed somewhere behind Wolf.

He blinked a few times, then sighed with a sad chuckle. "You are unbelievable..." A short pause followed, the serpent's expression faltering into something Wolf couldn't quite pinpoint. "Are the others...okay too?", he hesitantely asked. "Yeah, yeah they're fine. Chillin' in the living room or something...How's the water treating you?"

"Sgood..." The atmosphere in the foggy bathroom did seem to improve and so they sat in silence for the next few minutes. "Hey, Snake?"

"Mhm?"

"You know I would never blame you for this, right?" Wolf didn't get an answer, so he turned his head to look at his partner. "Snake, it wasn't your fault, please don't put yourself down because of that"

"...Yeah" The reptile smiled, but Wolf knew it wasn't a real one. He knew Snake's real smiles, and this one felt like a lie through and through.

"Is...something else bothering you?", Wolf tried, but Snake just slightly shook his head, eyes closed again. "No, just...letting it all sink in...n' enjoying the water...". He didn't like those pauses.

"Can I do anything to help with your eyes?"

"Not much, soaking the scales on my head might do something...", the serpent answered.

The silence that followed after his reply made him nervous. Did he say something wrong? All of a sudden, there was the sound of rummaging and the tap turning on and off. Then, shuffling right beside him.

Wolf. Talk to me, please.

"Do you...well, I mean...I could give you a massage, if you want?

If he wanted. He didn't know.

His brain wanted him to jerk away.

Do you really wanna risk this? You could lose it, again! Do you really want to lose-

His heart on the other hand? It told him get closer, and in the end, he did.

Snake moved his head over carefully, and a few moments later, a wet rag was placed onto his scales, the warm water soaking into his skin. That felt...nice.

He couldn't help but let out a satisfied sigh as the rag soothed the pain on his temple aswell. Noone had done something like this for him before.

Or...now that he thought about it…

__________________________________

"I'm back from school, mom!", Snake yelled through the hallway before going straight for the stairs. "Hey honey, how was your d- And where do you think you're going?", his mother's voice called out to him from the kitchen, where clattering and bubbling of what was most likely to be dinner could be heard aswell.

"Upstairs?", he tried, with no avail, of course.

"Oh no, come down here!"

"Do I have to?"

"Do I need to remind you that you'll have to listen to me as long as you're living in this household? Now come here young man!", he could hear the female serpent call out with just a bit of emphasis. Sighing, the reptile made his way to the kitchen, where his mother was currently busy on the stove.

When she turned around though, her face dropped and so did her spoon, well, almost. "Honey, what the molt happened to your eye?", she asked as she slithered closer to examinate Snake's face, cupping his cheek to carefully tilt his head a tiny bit. "S'nothing mom, just kinda slipped y'know?"

His mother just raised an unconvinced brow at him and turned away to wet a towel. "You're gonna have to be a lot better than that sweetie...Spill the tea." Snake obeyed, slithering onto a chair, his mother joining him shortly after to place the lukewarm rag onto his eyes, accompanied by a soft pressure.

"Well, some... guys picked on me and ripped my book, so we got into a little fight. You can see how well that went..." Oh no. There it was, that look.

"I'm sorry, really...But they called me a weakling, I just- couldn't let that sit on me, you know?!" Snake slammed his tail down in frustration and stared out the window, where rain clouds started to let their drops fall onto the daisies in their garden, before setting his gaze down in shame. "But l screwed up...Maybe I really am not strong enough-"

"But you are strong, love!", his mother cut him off, putting the rag down to gently grab her son's face with her tail. "Sweetie, I know you are... You can be the very best version of yourself, but you don't need to use your strong coils or your strong fangs for that. I'll be your guidance, remember?"

Snake smiled at her and she reciprocated.

"Yeah, I know...Thanks mom."

"Anytime sugarfangs. Now I gotta get back to the stove, buuut", she smirked at him in amusement and lowered her head. Snake could only chuckle. "Mom, I'm not a kid anymore!"

"And I know you can't resist!", she shot back at him. True. The reptile laughed and bumped his head with hers, allowing the contact to last a few seconds. When they parted, his mother returned to the stove, opening up the window to let the fresh, rainy air in.

___________________________________

Snake shivered in Wolf's arms as the pair returned to the bedroom.

Ah shoot, the canine thought to himself and quickly, but gently, set the reptile down on the bed before hurrying to close the window that had stayed open for the past time they had spent in the bathroom. It had gotten dark outside, grey clouds sticking on the sky and letting raindrops fall down onto the earth.

The lupine could even hear the faint sound of thunder in the distance. Hopefully it would just go past them. Turning around, he found Snake staring at him from the bed with another unreadable expression. Wolf just couldn't figure it out, and now that his eyes were no longer clouded, it was even worse as those dark brown eyes seemed to look right into his soul, reading Wolf while Wolf, for the first time in years, had immense trouble reading Snake.

The serpent had always had this charming sense of sarcasm and dryness and cynicism around him, but the canine had known him long enough to be aware that under that stuff there was a soft and fragile heart with lots of emotion, loyalty and love. Hidden under the covers, so easy to break and burdened with something Wolf didn't know, and that wrenched everything in him, guts, heart, soul. But there was not much he could do for now.

"Seems like that bath really served its purpose.", Wolf commented as he strolled over to the bed and put a blanket over the serpent to prevent him from freezing. "Yeah, feels good.", Snake stated, laying his head down. Wolf stood beside the bed for a few seconds like a total imbecile before clapping his paws together, heading towards the door.

"Okay so, I know you'll probably start molting soon, so I'll give you some privacy. Just call me if you need anything." 

Come on. Show me I'm not wrong. Wolf pleaded as he approached the door. 

"Thanks Wolf."

"Don't mention it." 

Okay, not what he was exactly hoping for, but better than nothing. 

The canine reached the door. He laid his paw on the handle, tightening his grip when-

"I lied to you…" 

His ears perked up. His heart skipped a beat. 

He knew it. 

_____________________________________ 

Wolf understood the major importance this brief moment had.

Not only because his assumptions were confirmed, but because he knew that this was something Snake only did with Wolf, no one else.

He let his walls down, revealing those fragile fragments of his deepest, and in this case probably darkest mind. He wouldn't do that for just anyone, Wolf was aware of that as he made his way over to the bed once more. It was like an honest clarification that they shared something special, a strong and extraordinary bond, and the canine would fight anything and anyone to preserve it, to protect it from shattering like it almost had 2 years back.

No thinking about this now Wolf, concentrate!, he reminded himself as he sat down on the mattress, watching as Snake looked at him, opened his mouth but no words came out, then broke off the eye contact to fixate his gaze onto the blanket with a sigh so broken it ached Wolf's heart like nothing else.

"It's...I...I'm sorry, I can't find the words..." Whatever it was that he was fighting against, the canine knew it was something heavy, so he laid a paw on one of the serpent's coils, giving him a smile as reassuring as possible.

"Take your time, I'll be here when you're ready." Snake turned to look outside, watching the raindrops racing down on the glass as his chest rose and fell heavily. "The bite...wasn't the only thing that caused me to lose it...", he eventually said, his voice cracking slightly mentioning the incident. Wolf couldn't stop a small "Oh?" escaping from his mouth as he watched the serpent reaching into the drawer of the nightstand and handing something to him.

Wait. He knew this book.

It was one of the few things his boyfriend truly cherished. Snake had gotten it from his mother, and normally the lupine, or any of the other guys weren't allowed to have it, let alone look inside it.

Letting his thumb run over the binding, he felt the leached out edges, the loose pages, the buckled bookmarks. He felt the love radiating off the curved letters on the cover as he traced each one with his finger. Looking up at his boyfriend who just gave him a short nod, he opened it, feeling a slight rush of nervousness coming over him, giving him actual goosebumps.

Slowly going through the first few pages, he read only dates, each one carefully noted onto a separate page, with short notes and a molt count. That was basically the only thing Wolf had known about the content of the book, a calendar that Snake used to list his molts, but it seemed like so much more than that.

He got to page 5, where the first thing catching his eye was a little polaroid, neatly positioned onto the middle of the page, showing Snake and his mother. He looked a lot like her, the same snout, the same chain-like pattern on the scales, only his calm dark eyes didn't match with her piercing green ones that shone from the picture like emeralds, but had something calming at the same time. Something warm and...motherly.

He caught himself smiling fondly at little Snake, but got pulled out of his admiration as the serpent in front of him only said two words.

"Page 69."

His eyebrows furrowed as he shot Snake a questioning look, but he only gestured towards the notebook with his head, remaining quiet. Wolf obeyed, feeling his hearbeat quicken and ears standing in anticipation.

Scratch that, they dropped again once he reached said page. Just a date, and the molt count of course. What was this about? No note? Of all the pages he had seen just minutes ago, there had always been some little text, or a photo...nothing here.

Snake let out a sad chuckle before speaking up again, hopefully to lessen the canine's confusion. "I don't even know why I have it out already."

True that, Wolf thought. Snake only fetched the book to note the usual and put it away right after. His molt wasn't even remotely done yet! "Then...why?"

"I don't know, but some stuff is happening without any reason and I just...I don't know..." His voice sounded so strained. "You know you can tell me if you'd like...", Wolf said and laid the book down onto the bed. Snake seemed to bemoan with his mind. "I...this isn't easy for me...I've never- not like this..." "Snake..." The canine didn't know what else could help other than cupping his cheek, letting out a surprised gasp as the serpent pulled away almost instantly.

His mind was blank, how did that fit together with what happened in the kitchen, heck, in the bathroom?? What had this book, heck, this page to do with all this?

For now, he decided to just listen.

"Wolf, when you grow up as one of...well our kind, you don't have it easy. We're all bad in somebody's story. And for most people, that bad one was me. But, not for everybody..."

__________________________________

Page 69

June 21st 1982, molt number 177. 

They looked like trouble. The type to be in detention or being suspended everywhere else. A group of 4, sometimes more, but never less. It had already started in elementary. Where you'd think kids would happily play together at recess, these guys would have their fun messing around with other classmates, including Snake. Especially Snake.

Given he had been far from 10 feet in elementary school, he had been an easy target for the young boys, who thought of new ways to tease him all the time, most of them being simple little things in the early years. Randomly letting his lunch disappear, throwing tiny paper balls at him during classes or sticking stupid messages into his schoolbag, calling him a worm or a weakling. Much to their amusement. 

And the other children were staring, only staring at him, never stepping in, making Snake desperately wish that the stares would feel a little less defeating. 

Snake hadn't been the most successful at defending himself back then, both verbally and physically. Instead, he had found comfort in spending time with his mother. 

Everytime he thought it would get better, life had other plans and made it worse, until a few years later, he decided to take matters into his own hands, or his tail, rather. 

He had given up on being nice to people, given that every attempt had resulted in either screaming, people calling him names or getting into a fight that luckily ended with nothing severe, merely some slight bruises or a swollen eye here and there. On both sides, to be fair. Up until his years in high school, things had gotten a bit more...eccentric.

Sure, there was the usual staring, the whispering and the rumors, hah, god how hilarious those were! People suspecting that not only his fangs, but also his tongue was full of poison, that his heart was rotten and that he could hypnotize you if he wanted to. Snake could only laugh at that, not giving a damn about that anymore.

The group that had been messing with him for years was present at his school too, naturally, continuing to mock him, setting the bars higher every time. Some glue on his chair here, some torn apart backpacks here. Occasional fistfights too. But one of the worst things was putting notes on Snake's locker in the hall. Not those childish ones like before, they had switched to threats.

Mean, evil threats, that they'd tie him on the railroad before the train would come, that they'd blow up his house, that they'd hurt his mother. Gruesome words, hitting hard and deadly like daggers, simply scribbled onto some torn out pages of their workbooks. They set the serpent's mind on fire, sometimes causing him to come home and not being able to look his mother into the eyes. He never told her, because he was convinced he'd be able to deal with it on his own. He'd show them, because the serpent had an ace up his sleeve (that is, if he were to actually have one).

He simply took the biggest cliché humans had made up about his kind and made use of it. Snakes were considered the masters of deceit.

Over time, their fight had changed into some sort of game, like pushing a ticking bomb back and forth between them. They even called it the bomb game, everyone eager to push it back to see if it'd finally blow up.

When they would stick a note on his locker again, their workbooks would be in the dumpster the next day. When they would tear apart the serpent's history book, their homework and prepared essays were nowhere to be found.

Oh yes, he had taught himself to crack locks, had carefully analyzed how to tilt the dial so he could hear that satisfying clicking. He knew the vent system of the school by heart, knew what lessons they had, knew all the upcoming tests they'd write. He was one step ahead of them almost every time. And he had to admit, it felt good.

Of course, he had to deal with the aftermath, but he could take it, most of the time. It seemed to work out, he was able to deal with the guys, he kept up his grades as best as possible and hey! He still had his mother, who was proud of him no matter what, even when he came home with a few scrapes on some days.

Until there came a seemingly normal day in his junior year.

The solstice celebrations of his town were coming up and he planned to go there with his mother. Unfortunately, his ongoing molt was threatening to throw their whole plan overboard. He was still in blue, hoping it'd fade until the evening. Stopping by his locker, he snatched his bucket hat and the notebook. Yeah. Today, he'd wear it.

He had let it serve as some kind of lucky charm because it had always been way too big. But now he had a chance to wear it for the first time. Snake started to head for the exit, careful not to bump into anything. Ugh, being in blue was such a nuisance!

When he passed the exit, the reptile was just about to take a breath of relief when he collided with an object, reeking of...gasoline maybe? Then followed the voice he'd least wanted to hear. "Well look who we have here...Eyes still up in the milky way, serpent?"

"Shut the hell up, Dylan, watch out where you leave your stuff."

He was standing right in front of him, Snake knew. Dylan, the head guy of the group. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Although, now that you're here, we can teach you a lesson."

Aw shit, not today. He needed to get out of this situation. He still couldn't see, and that would be a major minus point if it would come down to something more serious. But before Snake could even react, his backpack got snatched away. "HEY! Give that back!" he snarled, hopefully in the right direction.

He could only hear rummaging, then some chuckles and laughter. "Aww, does the little Snake want to go to the festival tonight? You're gonna be all alone there, you poor thing!" another member of the group teased with a chuckle. "It's so pathetic how you're still trying, when will you give up already?"

The serpent hissed and yelped as a smack got delivered right to the back of his head. "Y'know, we believe you've taken our little game a bit too far there, buddy." 

"Oh yeah? Why? Scared you'll have to take an extra round in Mr. Coh-ack!!" 

A kick, right in the gut. Holy shit, he did not see that coming…literally. 

"SHUT your filthy mouth, you pest! This essay was the only thing that might've gotten us through history class! You tell us where you put them right now, or else!" 

Wow, they've been chipping at their threats. Interesting. 

"Or what?" 

Nothing. Just some angry noises around him. Classic. 

"Yeah, that's what I th-uck!" 

All of a sudden, one of them had him in a headlock, almost making him lose the ability to breathe as he gasped in the guy's grasp. 

"Well, look what we have here", it came from Dylan,"looks like you've gotten yourself a little accessoire for the festivities from the dumpster!" 

The hat.

"Hgh..give that…back!"

"Ah, what a lousy threat of our reptile pal, trying to be sly. Whatcha gonna do about it, pinkie?", he asked, pointing out the serpent's pinkish belly color. "Cry to your mommy about it, pink-?!"

Furiously, Snake wrapped his tail around the first thing it touched, that being Dylan's arm. The guy behind him had let go, surprised by the sudden action. That was it, he's had enough! He'd be the one to blow up the bomb! Tightening the grip on Dylan, he heard his rival grunt in pain as Snake leaned forward. "You're lucky I'm not venomous, buddy. That'd have a bad ending for ya. But for now, I'll go easy on you.", he spat in his face.

Then came a sudden scream as a crucial popping sound could be heard. Did he just…? Snake let go. Fuck, he didn't want to let it go that far! Then, Snake didn't remember much, only feeling someone gripping him.

Fuck, fuck let go! What was happening?

He couldn't see, fuck he couldn't see a damn thing!

Retreat!

Get away! Fuck, get away!

Getawaygetawaygetawaygetaway-

His mind went crazy, his senses shutting off as the instincts took over, pulling a lever that caused his head to shoot down. Before he knew it, he was harshly thrown onto the ground, breathless, before fumbling for his hat and backpack. What happened?

He froze as he heard people screaming, crying, gasping all around him. Hurried steps came over and people were talking in shambles. But one thing he definitely registered was the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. 

"Fuck, Simon, are you OK? Let me- oh my god!" 

"What a jerk!" 

"That looks nasty" 

"Monster!"

"Quick, let's go get help!"

"Go back to gell, you pest!"

"Creep…" 

"He bit you… You BIT HIM!" 

He… what? 

3 weeks of suspension was the aftermath. Plus an hour of waiting for the principal to succeed in explaining to both Simon's and Dylan's parents that Snake was a hundred percent not venomous and that he'd be rightfully punished for his actions.

Ironically, during that hour, his clouded eyesight disappeared, a clear sign that he'd still molt today. This however allowed him to fully witness what he had actually done. Dylan's shoulder seemed okay, but Simon's arm was bandaged, 2 bloody dots piercing the fabric. If their parents' stares could kill, he would've been long under the ground by now.

He immediately made his way home after being dismissed, how was he supposed to explain this to his mother? He had to admit, he did feel guilty. For dislocating Dylan's shoulder and biting Simon...Biting! He had never bitten anyone before and on top of that, his mother would surely be disappointed in him. She had always told him to solve things without hurting anyone and look how well that went!

He took it too far this time, but he couldn't explain to himself why he did it in the first place... It happened so fast, it creeped him out, twisting his stomach. He left the houses of the city behind and slowly got to the sub-urb, where the space between the houses grew wider and the streets were less crowded.

As he got closer to his house, he halted. Squinted his eyes to try and see it better. Letting his brain find a suitable conclusion.

But it always ended in one.

No.

It couldn't be. No!

Snake bolted forward, slithering faster than he ever had in his life, ignoring the burning in his lungs and the sickness clinging to his stomach.

He breathed heavily as he arrived at his home, or rather what was left of it.

It was on fire. His mind worded it to him over and over to him, trying to get him to realize it completely.

His house was. on. fire.

Flames raged up high, reaching the rooftop, lighting up the whole house, even moving over the grass and the daisies and igniting their beloved beech tree like hungry beasts. Snapping out of it, the serpent got closer to the fire.

"No! no, no, no, no, please! Mom! Mom! MOM!", he called out, screamed at the top of his lungs but got cut off as smoke made its way down into his lungs, dragging him down into a coughing fit and forcing him to retreat.

The reptile almost bumped into the still intact mailbox due to smoke stinging in his eyes, which nearly made him miss the piece of paper sticking out of it. With a shaking tail, he grabbed it and read.

And read it again. And again.

He knew this handwriting.

He'd known it since the notes on his locker at elementary.

He couldn't breathe, the air having seemingly vanished from his lungs as Snake turned to the remains of his home, the fire that had swallowed his house slowly calming down as it slightly started to rain, water colliding with the heat.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to burst into tears, he wanted the fire to fume up again so he could throw himself in there, but all he could do was bluntly stare at the written words, then setting his gaze back to the sad remains of his home, the only one he'd ever known.

Guess the bomb blew up in your face. But you can't really blame us, can you? You've only got yourself to blame.

___________________________________

Snake turned to lock eyes with Wolf, who let out a shuddering exhale. He opened his mouth to say something, but the serpent already knew what he'd ask, so he cut him off.

"I didn't stay longer than midnight" , he said, watching Wolf's ears tilt back, "Took the late-night train out of town and ended up somewhere in L.A.. Rented myself a motel room for the following days."

The canine's shaken expression didn't surprise Snake, he never told him exactly how his mother died after all, but he couldn't deny that it made him feel sick that he did. It twisted his stomach in the worst way possible, his mind starting to riot as the pictures just wouldn't leave. Pull yourself together dammit! 

Did you really just do that? 

You risked it just like that?? What if-

He tried to shake it off, but to no avail, felt himself slightly shaking again, even flinching as Wolf's voice cut the silence.

"Snake, I...I don't know what to say love, I'm...so sorry. Noone should have to go through something like this. Ever…" The canine wronged his paws in frustration. "If I could've been there, I could've done something, I-"

"You weren't even born back then, Wolf '', Snake stated, his throat dry. He had only been sixteen after all. "Right. I'm still sorry… "

He could only wordlessly nod at that remark, coming to terms with the fact that it didn't help much at all. The unexplainable anxiousness still clung to him like a pest, a parasite, infecting his stupid little heart. And when he thought it couldn't get any worse, fate proved him wrong yet again as Wolf spoke up.

"Do you wanna talk about it? If that makes you feel better.."

Snake scoffed and shook his head in minor disbelief. "How would...talking about it make me feel better?"

"Oh, I don't know, I just- everyone deals with… grief differently you know?" The serpent flickered his tongue out.

"I'm good. Believe me, I've closed that case ages ago...", he replied bitterly, not even noticing his boyfriend stiffening a bit. He was way too busy dealing with the tightening grip around his throat, his twisting stomach, his racing mind.

He was fine.

This was fine, just don't think about it anymore. 

Damn it!!

He had been able to leave his past behind, to forget about everything that had happened for ages, hell, decades even!

He had done everything possible, had locked it all away deep down in his mind, why, just why must it come after him again now?

Why couldn't he just forget??!

WHY couldn't he just forget about how much he really missed her??!

He didn't even notice the tears forming in his eyes, his chin bobbing, his breathing getting heavy.

Not until Wolf cupped his cheek and turned his head so he could look at him. This time, he didn't pull away. This time, he was stuck, looking into those golden eyes, gleaming in the darkness that filled the room like… a lantern, like a lighthouse?

Snake's eyes went wide, a tear silently rolling down. "Honey, please, I can't stand seeing you like this, just let me help you.." Wolf had slipped off of the bed, now crouching on the floor, one hand on Snake's cheek, the other resting on the bed, where the reptile's gaze stopped at the bandages covering the grey fur of the lupine.

His vision blurred as more tears emerged, blurred into the pictures of page 69.

It was too much. He looked back at Wolf, seeing nothing but pure empathy, sincerity, warmth...everything he had always seen and had missed seeing in- It was too much, too much.

Finally, he broke down, almost letting his head crash into the canine's paw as all strength left him, the tears flowing freely as he lowered himself into his coils. Only moments passed before Wolf closed the gap between them, wrapping his arms around Snake and bringing him close to his chest.

The serpent sobbed, wailed into his partner, let out everything he'd built up over time, all the grief that had long been overdue.

All the pain, everything that hurt so badly coming out as his walls broke down.

He wasn't fine. He hadn't moved on.

His heart, his soul, every fiber in his body overflowed with sadness as his past overtook him, his mind recalling more of his life than he would've wanted, but there was nothing he could do, he was too tired to fight it anymore. All he could do was cry and cry, wetting Wolf's fur with his tears and his sorrow without any mercy.

The canine only stroked his scales, quietly whispering into his ear. "I'm here, I'm here baby, just let it all out..."

Snake rubbed his head against Wolf, his words choking in his throat. "No, you don't understand, I've tried so hard! I've… I've tried!", he blurted out, only to be cut off by calm shushing. He sunk into the warmth his partner gave off as his choked sobs turned into exhausted, shuddering breaths over time until they just sat there, entangled, the serpent sniffling in Wolf's embrace.

They parted slowly, the lupine wrapping the blanket around Snake once more before nodding at him as if he wanted to say: Talk. I will listen. I will be there to listen. 

So he did. He told him about his mother, about the loving, devoted, dedicated, selfless and wise person she had been. How great of a mother she had truly been.

He told her about the mornings they had spent in the hammock, about the afternoons on the beach, about her marvellous baking skills, her exquisite chocolate chip cookies she had made everytime when he got sick.

He told her about the way she had been able to read the best bedtime stories and sing the sweetest lullabies.

He told him about their walks through the forest, about the times where she'd teach him how to hunt and strike.

He told him about his birthdays, about his molts, about every single time his mother had been there to comfort him, and how good it felt.

He told him about the way she had always been proud, no matter what he had done, no matter how high or low he had scored. About how she'd always have a clever answer to any question, a kiss whenever he needed one, a cuddle whenever he asked for it.

He told him about the silly times, the wonderful, the cozy, even the sad times they had spent together all those years and how he had cherished those times in his heart. Always.

He told him about his first nights at the motel, where he had done nothing but cry, scream and cry until he had felt like his torn soul would leave his body, the notebook serving as the only memory he had left.

He told him how, in his frustration, he had torn out all the pictures except one and burned them without any mercy, the pieces turning into a storm of ashes that would never be whole again.

He told him how he had tried to bury all his memories deep down in his mind, overshadowing them with other thoughts.

He told him that, no matter how hard he had tried, he couldn't stop thinking about her, and everything that they had, how his heart had burned out because of the desire to have her back.

How he couldn't figure out what to say, or what to think.

How he had only known that it hurt, but didn't know if it would ever stop hurting.

How much it hurt to think about her. 

How much he missed her smile, her laugh, her voice. 

How much he missed her kisses, her cuddles, her scales. 

He told him that his mother meant the world to him. 

He told him that his mother had been everything to him.

Wolf didn't say anything throughout it all. He just held Snake, occasionally stroking him, occasionally wiping a tear rolling down the serpent's face. He was just there, listening to him, being there for him as the thunderstorm began getting heavier outside. Snake took a shaky breath.

"I've made a promise to myself y'know?, he started, a heavy-hearted tone sticking to his voice. "My mother, she was the only one who was there for me the first 16 years of my life… we had a special connection" A faint smile showed on his lips, disappearing again after a moment. 

"And losing her was...the worst time of my life. I felt like...falling into darkness and not being able to get out...I felt like I was losing control over my life... made the wrong decisions, met the wrong people, got more and more into crimes..." Tears started to prickle in his eyes and for a brief moment, Snake questioned how many there could possibly be left to spill before scrunching up his snout and gripping onto the bed sheets with his tail, trying not to sob again as he continued.

"I had begun to think that maybe, in the end, I was meant to be alone for the rest of my life. But then I met you." He tried his best, but the tears flowed nonetheless. "And I promised to myself to never, never let something like this happen again...because if it hadn't- hadn't been for me, then she'd, then-"

He began to stutter as the lump in his throat grew thicker and thicker and the tears simply wouldn't stop. A gentle grip on his tail made him look up, locking eyes with the canine as he parted the serpent's tail from the sheets and took it into his paw, wiping his tears with the other. "Snake, honey, don't talk like that, there was nothing you could've done."

"No, it...it was my fault, if I hadn't bitten him then they- And I broke my promise, it happened all over again, I couldn't-"

"Stop."

Wolf said it firmly, his own eyes getting glossy as he now grabbed Snake's teary face with both his paws.

It finally added up for him. The panic attack. The secretive behaviour. The way he'd gotten so anxious. The book, the page, it all made sense. Snake projected the events of the past onto the current ones, and Wolf had to admit, the progression was rather similar, almost eerily similar. He couldn't bear to see Snake like this, so broken and so fragile.

"Please, stop assuming that your actions caused what happened back then. It's not your fault, you hear me? It's not your fault.", he said, with so much sincerity that he received a downcast sob from the serpent. "But-"

"No, sweetheart. You have to understand that no matter what you did, it wasn't you who spilled the gasoline around the house that day. And it wasn't you who lit it. It was them, not you. You said you smelled gasoline before you got into that fight, right?". He tried to remain calm, giving it his all to prove to his boyfriend that he shouldn't blame himself any longer.

Snake sniffled. "Well, yeah?"

"See? Maybe they would ve still done it even if you didn't bite that one guy's armor dislocated the other one's shoulder. In the end, you weren't the one who did it. They did. It was not your fault." Snake looked away, but nodded slowly eventually, tiredly leaning into the canine's embrace after taking a deep breath, as if he'd finally give in.

They stayed like this for a while, together, listening to the rain and the thunder in the distance, finding peace in the darkness of the room, sharing their warmth with each other as both of them seemingly processed everything that had happened the past few minutes? Hours? Wolf didn't even know how late it was, and he didn't bother looking. Instead, he stroked Snake's back while absentmindedly going through a few pages of the notebook, recognizing the curved lettering of Snake's mother ending after page 23, where young Snake's crooked handwriting pierced the following pages, getting better and better each page until it almost resembled his mother's.

Only that his handwriting was a bit sharper, but still had this softness to it, just like Snake's persona. He felt the serpent perk up again. "Thank you, Wolf."

He let out a scoff. "Of course, sweetheart. I hope you're feeling a little better." He paused suddenly, a realization dawning on him, becoming clearer as he thought about it for a few seconds. Then, hesitantly, he decided to go for it.

"Snake? Did you...Were you scared that I'd- that I'd leave because of what happened?" He felt the reptile flinch in his embrace, and that was all he needed as a confirmation.

He let go of Snake, almost standing up but settling for the crouch position as he looked at his boyfriend with a baffled expression. "Wh- Snake, why would you think that?! I thought that- I already told you, I would never blame you for this?!" Why would you-??!, he exclaimed while pointing at his bandaged arm.

Snake looked at him with wide eyes, obviously looking for the right words considering the way his mouth stood agape and trembled. "Well, WELL BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST-!"

KKRRAAACKKK!!

Both of them yelped in surprise as lightning lit up the whole room, loud, threatening thunder following right after, causing Wolf to practically leap onto the bed, curling into himself. It was pathetic, if he was being honest with himself, but he couldn't deny that it felt like thousands of painfully loud drums vibrating in his ears, making him shiver. All of a sudden, he felt warm scales over his ears as Snake laid his head down onto Wolf's, facing in the opposite direction, his tail lovingly caressing Wolf's forehead as they waited for the storm raging over them to pass by.

It felt like a thousand pounds had lifted off of his chest, Snake had to admit, he was surprised. In a positive way. Surprised that he had managed to come out with the truth, even if it had been bitter and the adrenaline along with the situation probably had done most of the job.

He felt better, a whole lot better, and he had Wolf to thank for it. If he hadn't convinced him to let it all out, perhaps he would've still been wringing with his grief. 

And now, now that he had thought everything was out, something new popped up in his mind. Something that kind of pieced all of it together, gave it more sense. Explained the way he had reacted. It explained why he had gone through the notebook earlier than he should have. It even explained why it felt so good to have talked about his mother.

Sure, there were parallels, but after thinking it over, there was something Snake had in fact long forgotten about. But the notebook didn't forget. And it had served its purpose, reminding him of it again. His heart ached, but in a good way perhaps, telling him to get it out. And so, he listened to his heart once again.

"Wolf, do you know what a lighthouse is for?" he tentatively asked, the canine's ears suddenly standing up and slapping the serpent straight in the face, causing him to flinch slightly. An embarrassing silence followed at that.

Thankfully, Wolf soon answered, even if it was rocky. "Err...it helps ships when they're lost at sea... Why?" Snake couldn't help but smile fondly as he massaged the back of the lupine's head in a circular motion.

"My mother used to tell me about it. That it doesn't only help ships who are lost, it also gives them protection, guidance, trust and reliance when they need it. She promised me she'd always be my lighthouse.", he recalled, surprisingly not so heavy-hearted this time.

"And...after I lost her, I guess I lost my lighthouse too." Another strike of lightning lit up the sky before Snake continued. "I had no one to guide me, no one who was by my side anymore...Until I met you Wolf. You...got me onto the right path, you were there for me when no one was, I could always count on you"

He tried to pull himself together, even as Wolf now grabbed him and rolled onto his back, Snake now lying on Wolf's chest, his gaze settling into those beautiful yellow eyes that made him weak. 

He gulped, perhaps even swallowing a bit of his nervousness down as well. "Wolf, this probably sounds like the most idiotic shit ever, but… you remind me of my mother. A lot."

He noticed the lupine perk up in interest, maybe in confusion. God dammit Snake, just say something normal for once!

"I just… I don't know, there are so many things, like the way you know exactly when something is wrong and how you get me to talk about my problems and-and how you're there for me all the time. I don't know what… kinda stupid trick my mind has played on me today, and maybe I'm just overreacting, but… ", he fumbled nervously with his tail, avoiding the canine's gaze, who had gotten uncomfortably quiet as he spoke.

"... When you came into my life, you pulled me out of the pit I was in, you gave me life again, and warmth and… light. You're like my guidance, my reliability, my protection. You're just… like my lighthouse… "

Oh shit.

Oh fuck you've said it.

Great job, oh my god, this is so embarrassing, ain't no way he'd- 

"Snake, look at me."

Oohhh no, absolutely not.

"Please."

Shit. 

Snake's eyes met Wolf's before the canine's almost lit up as he smiled.

"There we go!"

What?

"What?"

"It's just funny because, everytime I look at you, it seems like my whole world falls in line." The canine sat up a little with a grunt. "When I met you, it was like you've pulled me on the right path aswell. Sure, it hadn't been the right path in general, but for me, it was the right one.", Wolf stated.

Then, he reached forward, placing one paw on Snake's cheek again, the soft fur against his scales making him feel all fuzzy. "Snake, having you by my side means more to me than you will ever know. And nothing can change that. Not even a little incident like that." He dramatically presented his bandages, luring a wet chuckle out of the serpent.

God Snake, you're such a sap!

Wolf chuckled as he looked off for a moment before his eyes lit up with an idea." Hey, we should be each other's lighthouses… I mean, you've been all these things for me ever since I've met you, but I've never had a name for it. A lighthouse! " he exclaimed, holding his paws into the air, winking at the serpent, who burst out into giggles, wiping away a small tear before letting his head drop down onto the canine's chest.

"You're unbelievable.", he chuckled before looking at his boyfriend with a smile, a real one now. "Thanks again, Wolf. And, sorry again that you needed to put up with all that…Today just wasn't the day...ugh, never would've thought I'd talk about all of that...Makes it sound like I'm such a wreck...", the serpent grumbled, laying his tail over his face.

"Heh, yeah, not my day either... But don't mention it, really. I appreciate you opening up to me like this." Wolf lifted the reptile's tail to peek into those beautiful eyes as he grinned. " 'Sides, even if you're broken, I'd spend all of my days putting you back together.", he cooed, erupting into laughter as Snake gave him a playful shove to his shoulder.

"God, now you're just being ridiculous, stop!"

"Ridiculously charming you mean!"

"Yeah, no."

"You know you love your lighthouse, sweetheart."

"Sure, sure, I love you my lighthouse..", Snake sighed and nodded in admittance before lowering his head towards Wolf. Oh hell yeah, after all that, he'd absolutely be up for a smoochie, Wolf thought as he leaned in.

Both of them yelped as Snake almost darted over Wolf's head, steadied last second by the canine himself, whose muzzle missed the snake's lips and landed on its neck instead.

The lupine rolled onto his stomach, facing the serpent. "What the-Your eyesight's still not better, huh?", he jested as he watched Snake fidget with his coils to adjust to the new position.

"Well you're one to talk! Have you never-", he spat, cutting himself off as he realized that his boyfriend was...well, not exactly a serpentine.

He thought for a moment, before grabbing Wolf's snout with his tail and tilting it down, pressing his own head against the canine's and rubbing slightly at it.

"Just...just checking, but what exactly are we doing?", Wolf asked, clearly irritated.

"S'called head-bobbing, s'just...a snake-thing to show affection and...gratitude.", Snake explained as he pulled back, seemingly disgruntled that the moment was over already.

"Well in that case...", Wolf remarked slyly, grabbing the serpent by the waist and rolling over to his side, where he brought Snake's coils close and let his forehead collide with Snake's once more, this time lovingly leaning into the touch. "...let me give you that gratitude, sweetheart."

None of them knew how long they stayed entangled like that, Wolf's tail softly thumping against the bedsheets, Snake tracing along the fur of the canine's arms and chest with his tail as the storm still roared over them. It didn't bother them, really, they were too focused on each other, floating into their own little bubble of togetherness, not a drop of worry in their minds that had been so shaken and disrupted throughout the day.

At least, until Snake spoke up after a long sigh. "Y'know, today has been hell..." Noting that his boyfriend tensed at that remark, feeling his brows furrowing against his scales, he quickly continued. "...until you came along, as always. I dunno, everything my mind was going through today was so bizarre, I mean-" he explained, lifting his head to look out the window, where the wind had picked up and veered the raindrops violently at the glass.

"It was just like...this wave was washing over me again and again, and when I shook it off it just...came for me again." He let his head drop down onto Wolf's head again, mindlessly flickering his tongue against his ear. "But I feel better now."

"Hey, you know what else a lighthouse serves as?", Wolf asked after a while, feeling Snake's hummed "Mh?" calmly vibrating against his head. "...shelter.", he simply stated, reaching up to run his paw across golden scales as lightning struck outside once more. The crashing thunder that followed startled the lupine, sending a shock through his spine.

However, the scaly tail that caressed his cheek a moment later washed it all away again, the raspy voice of the reptile soothing his mind. "That coming from the guy who needs it more than I do right now...".

Snake let out a long, dreadful yawn, causing Wolf to sit up and take a look at the clock on the nightstand, noticing the notebook still lying next to him. "Ah shit, it's almost 3 in the morning!", he exclaimed and Snake tiredly glanced over as if he had to double-check for the canine.

"Well, I wasn't expecting to get much sleep anyway, molts gonna start soon.", he sighed. "Do you want some privacy? I could sleep on the couch if-" A yellow tail wrapped itself around Wolf's wrist, Snake looking at him with pleading eyes. "Please stay."

__________________________________

Another yawn. "That was the sixth one in five minutes, are you sure you don't wanna try and get some sleep?", Wolf asked with concern in his voice, watching Snake readjust his coils in the darkness of the room and what seemed to be a shrug following.

"Nah, pretty much nothing can get me to sleep when I'm molting...I'll just try to get it over with, just a few more hours."

Hours. Neat. Wolf laid his head back onto the wall, thinking of what to do. His gaze flew over to the notebook, which he had safely set aside, and an idea lit up in his mind.

Considering he had his eyes closed, the serpent jumped slightly as Wolf's arms wrapped around him and the canine began to nestle all of Snake's coils into his cross legged lap. What...was happening?

He was even more bewildered as the lupine laid his head down onto his arm and started rocking back and forth in a consistent rhythm, stroking Snake's back in the process. What even-?

"Wolf?", he simply asked, still clueless. The canine just bent down and kissed the reptile's head, whispering into his ear.

"Page 23".

In an instant, it dawned on him, and he couldn't help but smile, fighting not to get all teary-eyed again. There was no denying, it truly touched him, and he could feel the fatigue magically creeping up his scales as he melted into the rhythmic swinging.

It made him feel like a kid again, resting in the swinging hammock on the porch of their house, enjoying the caresses over his body. And as the sleep finally washed over him, in the arms of the one he loved most, he truly felt at home.

__________________________________

When Wolf awoke, his body faced the window, where the sun shone in warmly through the blinds. Glancing at the nightstand, he realized it was only 9 in the morning. He grunted. After all that had happened, he really could've used a few more hours of sleep.

He was glad that Snake was feeling better though, the deep and emotional conversations of last night rotating in his mind. Feeling something glued to his back, he grinned knowingly and turned over, eager to deliver a good morning kiss. Still half asleep, he laid his arm over his partner and nuzzled into his scales, only to be alarmed as his partner's body flattened ominously.

Shooting awake, he scrambled backwards as he saw a crumpled, hollow shell lying before him. He let out a yelp as he felt his upper body slip from the bed, his back hitting the floor with a thud, his left leg remaining the only thing that actually stayed on the bed. He rubbed at his eyes with his paws as he let out another tired grunt, freezing in his position as he felt warm scales traveling down his leg, moving up his whole body until a soft snout bumped into his paws.

Instinctively, the canine's paws grabbed at the visitor, wrapping both arms and his one leg around him as he peeked his eyes open.

"Mmmornin'", it came from Snake, who was now entangled in Wolf's embrace and began to deliver a full set of morning kisses, even though he was still half asleep himself. That probably explained why most of the kisses ended up on Wolf's cheeks, snout or neck rather than his lips, but he couldn't care any less, sucking up all the love that was planted onto him.

His paws stroked the golden scales and only now that his view had adjusted he noticed how gorgeous Snake looked in the morning sun, his scales shimmering like gold, the light brown chain pattern flowing flawlessly over the coils, a perfect match to those dark brown eyes. "Holy shit love, you're glowing."

He smiled widely before grabbing the serpent's face, bringing him into a passionate kiss that left the serpent's body to melt on the canine. "God, your lips are so soft, fuck, everything of you is so soft.", Wolf said, still catching his breath after they parted.

Snake chuckled, burying his face into his boyfriend's shoulder, flickering out his tongue to take in the scent radiating off of him. "You know what I say, I'm shiny, and I'm gorgeous.." he murmured lazily as Wolf got up from the floor, Snake safely wrapped around him.

"Ah!" Snake used his tail to grab the notebook from the nightstand. "I promise, I'll clean up my mess later", he mumbled into the canine's ear, who was currently stumbling around the bed to get to the door. "Coffee first…I'll make your favorite…" he answered, kissing the serpent's cheek. 

"Jesus Christ, I've been wearing that?!", Snake exclaimed all of a sudden, noticing a shirt lying in the corner of the room. Yellow. "Yup"

"Holy shit, I should've thrown this out ages ago!" They chuckled before yelping in surprise as Wolf's feet tripped over the lamp that had fallen over, mostly forgotten about.

To both their luck, he could steady himself again. "That's for you to clean up too…"he explained, almost crashing into the wall as he lost balance again, tumbling out into the hall and knocking over Shark's surfboard leaning against the wall.

"Fucking hell Wolf, you're even clumsier than me when I'm temporarily blind", Snake joked, bursting into hollering laughter, both of them cackling together on their way for breakfast. 

Wolf checked the calendar hanging on the kitchen wall as the wonderful scent of freshly brewed coffee filled the air. Thank God it was the weekend and the others were out, he thought as he stirred the dough for Snake's pancakes again, waiting for the pan to heat up. Pancakes with extra syrup. His favorite.

Looking up, he noticed Snake was nestled onto a chair, the table already set, hovering over his notebook, shining like a lightbulb in the sunlight. Wolf didn't know that beauty could be blinding, and yet he had living proof sitting in front of him.

God, he was too good for him, that thought cossing his mind as he poured a handful of dough into the pan. How did he get so lucky? 

How did he get so lucky?, the serpent thought to himself as he glanced over, watching as his boyfriend baked pancakes. For him, or well, both of them if he'd decide to share some.

For a moment, yesterday's events washed over him again as he went through the pages of his beloved book and came across the Polaroid on page 5. And for the first time in years, maybe even for the first time ever since she had died, he didn't get sad or guilty as he eyed the picture.

Normally, he wouldn't even look at these pages, but.. After getting it all off his chest, a load whose immensity he hadn't even been aware of, it was actually nice seeing her as he ran his tail over her handwriting. He even smiled at remembering the day they took that picture.

He still couldn't quite comprehend what had stopped him from realizing what Wolf was to him sooner. I mean, it was crystal clear! The way he cared, how supportive he was, how incredibly and even ungodly loving he was.

Where he couldn't find his mother's eyes in his own, he found them in Wolf's, the warm, gentle light radiating off of these beautiful golden eyes, glowing brighter than anything he'd ever seen.

Snake might look like her, but Wolf was like her, guiding him through his bad days, protecting him from his fears, providing him with warmth, and shelter, and… love. 

Snake wasn't a person of much belief, but in this case, he was more than certain: Noone on this planet was more blessed than him.

He got pulled out of his thoughts as he heard Wolf pouring two cups of coffee. "One or two pieces of sugar, honey?", the canine called over and within seconds, he got hit by a spoon flying over. "Ahowww", he whined dramatically while reaching down to pick it up from the floor. "you've gotta stop throwing stuff at people."

"I will, once you stop asking stupid questions!", the serpent dryly shot back. "Okay, okay fine, three pieces it is!", Wolf announced, shoulders up in defense for any more flying objects.

"Dumbass", it only came from Snake, and Wolf chuckled as he added 3 pieces of sugar to the reptile's coffee, plus twenty more for extra sweetness. Placing the cup in front of his boyfriend, he used the opportunity to plant a lovable peck into the serpent's cheek, who leaned into it with a grin.

"We could ask Webs if she'd be able to make that picture a little bigger", Wolf said, pointing at the Polaroid."You could put it on your nightstand. Oh and by the way, it's June 28th today, in case you didn't know."

Snake saluted with his tail. "Yeah, good idea… Thanks, love." Wolf smiled before returning to the pan on the stove.

"Anytime, sugarfangs." 

Snake couldn't help but grin like an idiot. Yeah, he definitely got lucky having him by his side… He had lost the one who had been there for 16 years of his life, had kept away the pain for decades until this guy just… knew off by heart how to guide him to happiness again. No idea how he managed to do that.

If Snake learned one thing that night, then that grief was actually nothing more but unspent love gathered up in the hollow spaces of his chest. And that his silence had been so meaningful, forcing the grief to set in his heart so deeply that he couldn't talk about it anymore,not even after such a long time.

But Wolf had opened his eyes, had proved him wrong, had saved him from the storm like a lighthouse, like his mother had done so often. 

In rolling letters, he noted today's date, molt and added a little note, as usual. Satisfied, he glanced at Wolf, took a sip of his sugar with coffee and then gazed outside, the beams of sunlight that shone through the tree branches creating little dots like fireflies, dancing on the still open notebook as the letters began to dry on the page. 

June 28th, molt number 335

I've had a Lighthouse all along.