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Izuku Midoriya has always and forever will be in love with Katsuki Bakugou. There is not one person in this world that he has written more about in his hero journals. Not even All Might himself. Now, Midoriya has always known that his feelings of love and admiration will probably never reach Bakugou, and he’s fine with that. Or, at least, he tells himself he’s fine with that.
But as the days, weeks, and months and the time spent with his classmates increases, Midoriya can’t help but feel empty inside.
When Bakugou had been kidnapped the first time, Midoriya knew that his plan to save Bakugou only worked because of Kirishima being there. Since before the kidnapping, Kirishima and his group of friends have made their way into Bakugou’s heart; whether or not the “Lord Explosion Murder” would like to admit. Midoriya would watch as Kirishima would sling his arm around Bakugou’s shoulders, laughing carelessly at whatever goofy thing Kaminari had done.
And Midoriya could only hide his jealousy as Bakugou laughed along with them.
He would never laugh like that with Midoriya.
It’s the middle of their second year now. Midoriya and his classmates have been through alot in the past two years. He honestly can’t believe they’ve gotten this far. Mineta had dropped out by the end of first year and Hitoshi Shinsou was the one to join Class 1-A. Class 1-A accepted Shinsou with open arms and Kaminari was quick to take him in as his friend.
It’s common knowledge that even though the entirety of Class 1-A gets along well, that there are smaller friend groups within the class. Midoriya knew that Bakugou belonged to a separate friend group from his own.
Bakugou’s friend group consisted of: Eijirou Kirishima, Denki Kaminari, Hanta Sero, Mina Ashido, Kyouka Jirou, and Hitoshi Shinsou.
Midoriya’s friend group consisted of: Tenya Iida, Ochako Uraraka, Shoto Todoroki, Tsuyu Asui, and Momo Yaoyorozu.
But you already knew that, didn’t you?
Over the past year, Midoriya watched Bakugou slowly but surely warm up to the bunch that constantly did everything they could to be his friend. He watched as Kirishima dragged Bakugou to school dances or group hangouts. As Kaminari would cause even the slightest smile to appear on his childhood friend’s face. As Jirou shared her interests in rock bands with him. He watched all of them push their way into his life. And he watched Bakugou let them.
You see, Midoriya wasn’t jealous that Bakugou had great friends. He, himself, had the best of friends. No, he was jealous that he couldn’t be one of Bakugou’s great friends.
He was insanely jealous.
But no one could ever find out.
Of course, with everything the class has gone through, even Bakugou’s relationship with Midoriya has changed. They’ve learned to tolerate each other just a little bit more. Well, Bakugou has learned to tolerate Midoriya.
Though he still calls him Deku, it’s not always with the same malice as it used to be. They even partner up together sometimes for class sparring.
In many ways, they work together just fine and even balance each other out at times. But still, the boundary from being childhood friends to real friends is never truly crossed. He knows that Bakugou still feels inferior to him. He knows that Bakugou will never see him as more than an obstacle he has to get over.
Midoriya has journals and journals filled with hero data that he has collected over the course of his life. When it was confirmed that he was quirkless, he did his best to study strategies and quirks like his life depended on it. In his first few journals, if you read them, 90% of them are filled with Bakugou.
It was just easy, you know? Bakugou has always been a part of Midoriya’s life. They were always in the same class together. Midoriya was always watching.
He watched with hungry eyes as Bakugou’s quirk grew stronger and stronger each and every day. Of course, there are a few pages that are about random classmates who had interesting quirks. Midoriya still wrote about random could-be heroes that he’d seen on television. And of course, about the pro-heroes that he’d been obsessed with.
Still, Katsuki Bakugou was the perfect thing to observe. He had a front row seat to the Katsuki Bakugou show. He knew from the start, ever since they were kids, that Bakugou would grow into an amazing hero.
Even after years of bullying, Izuku Midoriya has never once hated his beloved Kacchan. It’s probably impossible for Midoriya to hate Bakugou.
At least, that’s what he thinks.
----
It had been an outrageously boring Saturday as the students of Class 1-A lazed about in the student lounge (which really is just a fancy way of saying living room, by the way). With nothing to do, the day was passing by slowly. It was only 1 o’clock when Kaminari let out a gremlin-like yell, “AUUGHHHHH.”
“What the heck was that?" Ashido snorts, giving Kaminari a weird look.
“It’s soooo boring! It’s a SATURDAY. Why are we not doing anything?!” Kaminari was exasperated at the fact that the students of Class 1-A were missing out on fun.
“Okay, well what’s the plan then?” Sero asked, standing up to stretch his arms up to the sky.
“How about we go to the mall?” Yaoyorozu pitched an idea. “I could use a new pair of shoes.”
“Ugh no more shopping trips. Didn’t we go to the mall two weeks ago?” Kirishima groaned.
It’s true that there’s not much time for basic teen activities. They’re halfway through their second year and can usually only think about training or their internships. It’s really difficult to find time to just relax and have fun.
“Um, didn’t a new arcade just open up? What’s it called again? Zed’s Castle?”
“Oh! An arcade is a great idea! Good one, Uraraka-kun!” Kaminari clapped his hands together. “Come on guys, doesn’t that sound awesome?!”
The group of teens all murmur in agreement. They all seemed pretty excited to go out and do something they don’t usually do. The gang had all decided they’d leave around 2:30, which would give everyone enough time to get ready.
Midoriya was pretty much ready, leaving his room to go downstairs when he saw Kirishima at Bakugou’s door. The door was open and he could tell that Kirishima was leaning against the door frame. The red-head had a sparkle in his eyes as he talked animatedly, with his hands moving all around. He couldn’t quite hear Kirishima and the entrance to the stairs were in the other direction, so he could only force himself to turn around and walk toward the stairs.
He wondered what Kirishima was so happily talking about, but he knew it was none of his business. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder if Bakugou was also smiling just as happily as he listened to his best friend talk.
Shaking the thoughts from his mind, he walked into the kitchen and grabbed himself a soda from the fridge. No one else was in the kitchen or the living room just yet. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. ‘This sucks. What were they talking about? I wonder what Bakugou looked like as he listened to Kirishima talk. Was he smiling? Did he look annoyed?’
“Did who look annoyed?” Midoriya jumped at the sudden voice, looking up to see Todoroki.
“Ah, was I thinking out loud again?” Midoriya chuckled nervously. “My bad.” Shit. That really was bad. If anyone knew that Midoriya was feeling this way, it wouldn’t be good. He was supposed to be like All Might. The source of happiness for his classmates. He couldn’t admit that he was somewhat bitter inside. Jealous. He couldn’t admit his feelings for Bakugou and threaten to break their already fragile “friendship” that they’ve managed to create over the past year and a half.
Todoroki squinted his eyes at his friend. ‘Who’re you talking about? Who looked annoyed?” The dual quirk user pried once more. He was never one to just let things slide so easily when it came to Midoriya.
Midoriya smiled nervously. He didn’t really know how to answer that. Luckily, Iida had come to the rescue by joining the two downstairs. “How is it that only three of us are ready?” The speedster asked, sighing in frustration. “If we want to be able to play all the games in the arcade, we must leave soon!” He exclaimed with that signature robot-like karate chop.
“Heh, it’s fine Iida-kun. We’ll have plenty of time.” Midoriya chuckled, silently thanking him for changing the subject.
“Yeah, Iida! Geez, you even take having fun way too seriously.” Kaminari suddenly bounced his way into the kitchen, seeming to have heard the conversation.
Iida and Kaminari quickly fall into a conversation-- or lecture-- about how you should always plan accordingly and the idea of just letting go and having fun without plans, but Midoriya wasn’t paying attention anymore. How could he when Kirishima and Bakugou entered the kitchen at that moment?
Bakugou had his hands in his pockets, a blank expression on his face as Kirishima greeted everyone with a smile. Midoriya’s eyes traveled to Bakugou’s muscular arms. He was wearing that stupid sleevless turtleneck. He watched as Bakugou’s arms flexed and relaxed every so slightly. He watched as--
“Midoriya?” Kirishima waved a hand in front of the greenette’s face.
“Huh? What?” He blinked away the indecent thoughts from his mind as he looked at Kirishima. “What’s up?”
“We’re going.”
“Oh, ok.”
-----
It only took Class 1-A 20 minutes by train to get to Zed’s Castle. The arcade flashed with neon colors even from the outside. The teenagers “oohed” and “ahhed” at the pretty colors. The excitement only grew as they entered the arcade. A random pop song that Midoriya had never heard before was blasting throughout the place, but that didn’t drown out the sounds of laughter and screams of joy coming from everyone in the arcade. Zed’s was huge and had things like bowling and laser tag.
Everyone quickly split into their own groups and rushed off to do whatever they wanted to. Midoriya was watching everyone smiling and chatting away, excitedly rushing to the first game. His eyes couldn’t help but wander around the arcade until they landed on that familiar blonde hair.
Bakugou was stuck with Kaminari and Kirishima. They were playing basketball. Bakugou was taking the game oh-so-seriously as he shot the ball eagerly. The sound of his cocky laughter hitting his ears whenever he scored. Kaminari jumped for joy when they beat the high score. He used Bakugou’s shoulders as he jumped up and down, yelling loudly “Heck yeah, Bakubro!”
Bakugou scowled at that, lightly shrugging Kaminari off. “Shut the fuck up, Dunce-face!” He growled. But he wasn’t angry. He was barely even annoyed. Maybe Kaminari and Kirishima missed it, but Midoriya saw the slight smirk Bakugou had on his face. Bakugou was proud.
Midoriya bit the inside of his cheek. He ignored the tightening in his chest and he looked away, turning his attention back onto Tsuyu and Uraraka. They were playing that dancing game with the arrows and they were doing horribly. “Come on! You got this!” Midoriya forced himself to laugh.
The night continued on and soon, Midoriya found himself having fun. Real fun. He had somewhat forgotten about earlier until Kirishima and the other’s joined Midoriya’s group. Kaminari had convinced the group to go bowling.
The teams were split into three.
Team 1: Bakugou, Kaminari, and Kirishima.
Team 2: Midoriya, Todoroki, and Uraraka.
Team 3: Jirou, Tsuyu, and Iida.
The others were still playing arcade games.
Bakugou was up first. Midoriya stared at the blonde’s fingers as they slipped into the bowling ball holes. He gulped and watched the way Bakugou’s arm flexed. He couldn’t look away and he hoped he didn’t look weird. I mean, they were just bowling for crying out loud. Stil, Midoriya admired how elegant Bakugou looked as he released his grip from the ball, letting it roll down smoothly.
Strike.
“Whoo! Go Bakubro!” Kaminari laughed.
Kirishima grinned, “Nice one, dude!” He bumped his shoulder into Bakugou’s. Midoriya clenched his fist.
Bakugou smirked and leaned into that shoulder bump. Even if it was just for a second, Midoriya noticed and he felt his blood boil.
“My turn.” Midoriya smiled, standing up. And for the first time tonight, Bakugou made eye contact with Midoriya. For the first time that day, they interacted with each other.
Bakugou stared at Midoriya for a total of two seconds, “Tch.” And then he looked away, going to sit down.
Midoriya could only ignore the anger that was swelling inside. He knew they tried their best to get along as much as they needed to, but that really just meant staying out of each other’s way. And even though he knew that, Midoriya was still hurt that Bakugou couldn’t even look at him.
---
The night was coming to an end and everyone was gathering their tickets together, deciding on the prizes they wanted and all that. Midoriya didn’t really care about the tickets or the prizes. He just wanted to go home.
“Hey before we go, let’s take some photos at the photo booth!” Ashido dragged her group over to the photo booth. Midoriya watched as Kirishima shoved Bakugou into the photo booth. The photo booth was small so it was only Ashido, Kirishima, and Bakugou first. The curtains covered the three but there was a screen that displayed them on the outside of the booth. Midoriya watched as the three posed for the photos. The first two, Bakugou was just frowning. But then he posed. He stuck his tongue out and shot up his middle finger. But it wasn’t out of anger.
Midoriya could tell Bakugou was having fun, posing stupidly with his friends.
And Midoriya knew that he could never have that. He could never be with Bakugou and laugh and shamelessly have fun with him. He was never going to be good enough to even be by Bakugou’s side as a friend.
He knew that. He’s always known that.
So why did it hurt so much?
Why is it that Kirishima could so easily get Bakugou to smile? Why is it that Kaminari was able to make him laugh? Why is it that Bakugou, despite his fiery attitude, could be friends with literally anyone in Class 1-A except for him?
What was so un-special about Izuku Midoriya?
Midoriya has tried so hard. He let his hero name be the name that used to haunt his dreams. He continuously has tried to get Bakugou to look his way, and he’s failed every time.
All he wanted was to be able to stand by Bakugou’s side as his equal. If Bakugou hated him so much, why did he allow Midoriya to still call him ‘Kacchan?’
It’s like every time he takes a step forward, Bakugou pushes him three steps back.
And Midoriya is so sick and tired of it. He’s so done with wanting to be more than just a classmate to Bakugou.
-----
Midoriya doesn’t remember how they got home. He doesn’t remember what happened after the photo booth or what prize everyone got.
Mostly everyone had already bathed and were either chilling in each other’s rooms or the living room.
Midoriya honestly thought he was the last to take a bath but he quickly realized he was wrong as Kirishima joined him.
“Hey, Midoriya.”
“Hey.”
There was an awkward silence that filled the bathroom.
Midoriya doesn't know how long they had stayed quiet. He could only focus on the sounds of water moving.
“Are you okay?” Kirishima suddenly asked. He stared at Midoriya with concern.
“What? Why wouldn’t I be?” Midoriya cringed at how defensive he sounded. ‘Good job sounding convincing.’
“Well, I just…you seemed out of it. Like- all day. I didn’t wanna say anything but…” Kirishima trailed off, no longer looking at Midoriya. He just stared at his hands in the water.
Midoriya hated this. Why did Kirishima have to notice how he was acting? How he felt? Why-- of all people-- did Kirishima have to be the one to notice? Was Midoriya getting punished? Punished by whatever god there way for these stupid one-sided feelings he had over a guy who told him to jump off a building?
“Listen, I know we aren’t like- hecka close- but I..I’m your friend, you know? I got your back. So if you ever wanna talk, I’m here to listen.”
Kirishima really is a good guy. Midoriya knew that he was a good friend for Bakugou.
If you ask Midoriya why he said what he says next, he’ll tell you that he just felt like it.
“I’m so jealous of you.” Midoriya shut his eyes, letting the words spill out like a volcano that just couldn’t help but erupt. “I mean- I’ve known Kacchan for forever. I’ve been by his side since we were in diapers. He’s supposed to be my best friend. And yet…because I was qu- because I was a late bloomer, he stopped being my friend. Just because he thought I was some quirkless idiot, I wasn’t good enough for him. I wasn’t strong enough to stay by his side. And you…you’re strong enough. Manly enough, you know? You so easily became his friend. And he can barely even look at me without glaring.” Midoriya didn’t look at Kirishima. He continued to speak, letting the tears he’s been holding back fall from his eyes.
“I mean, you and the others. You’re all so close to Kacchan. And I…I’m not. And I never will be. I’ll always just be…in his way.” Midoriya couldn’t stop himself. Once he started, how could he stop? He’d never told anyone how he felt. He only ever relied on the comfort of a pen and paper to release his thoughts onto. “I just want to be his friend again. I remember playing pretend when we were kids. He was as stubborn as he is now. He always had to be the hero or the leader.” Midoriya chuckled at the memories. “We used to get along so well…”
Kirishima could only listen to Midoriya. He watched as the tears streamed down the other’s face. Midoriya was always known for being a cry-baby. Flashbacks to their first year and the amount of times Midoriya would cry in class came to mind. Still, he’s never seen the greenette look like this…cry…like this.
Midoriya looked completely empty inside.
“I know this is stupid. I know. I should just be happy I can hang out with you guys without having to worry about Kacchan yelling at me for every stupid little thing. But at least then, he was looking at me, you know? Now it’s like we’re strangers. I don’t know him anymore.”
“...I shouldn’t be saying anything, honestly. But I have to.” Kirishima started, “Bakugou is just scared. He doesn’t know how to be friends with you. It’s not like he doesn’t want to fix things with you. It’s more like he doesn’t understand how to. He’s spent so long fighting you and hating you; it’s hard for him to see you as anything other than competition. You just…you just need to talk to him, you know? If you talk to him…if you tell him what you just told me…I’m sure things will work out.”
Midoriya finally looked at Kirishima. He stared intently at the red-head, searching for a lie. Bakugou wants to be friends? “I don’t know, Kirishima-kun.”
“Trust me, you just have to talk to him.” Kirishima stood up and got out of the bath. “Just try, okay? Think about it.” He smiled softly at Midoriya before leaving the bath.
Midoriya sighed, looking up at the ceiling. He let himself sit in the silence for a little while longer before getting out as well. Maybe Kirishima is telling the truth. Maybe all Midoriya has to do is talk to Bakugou for things to get better. But what if things get worse?
He feels like he’s going to start resenting Bakugou the more this continues. He doesn’t want that.
-----
It was 2am and Midoriya couldn’t sleep. A million thoughts raced in his head. So much so that he had grabbed a blank journal and started writing.
He started writing around 11pm.
By 3am, the journal was completely full and yet he didn’t feel better at all.
By 3:30am, Midoriya had written a letter.
At 3:35am Midoriya was standing outside Bakugou’s door with the letter in his hand. He slid the letter under the door, went back to his room, and slept.
-----
Bakugou had woken up at 6am. He had gotten up and was just about to start his morning workout when he noticed a piece of paper at his door. “What the fuck?” He thought out loud.
He picked up the letter and immediately started to read it.
I have always been watching you, you know? I’ve never not been watching you. You are absolutely captivating. My Kacchan.
Bakugou clenched his fist.
You’ve always been my number 1. All I’ve ever wanted since middle school is to be your friend. I wanted so badly to be someone important to you. And I’ve come to terms with the fact that I probably will never be the person you want me to be. I’ll never be your equal, will I? Even if I have a quirk or not, you’ll never call me by my name.
Bakugou could feel his chest tighten. He gripped the paper firmly. Not enough to really crinkle it, as he was still reading.
I’ve decided that we aren’t friends. We’re just classmates. Old childhood friends. Honestly, we barely know each other anymore, huh? Isn’t that kind of sad? I thought I knew you better than everyone. I’ve always watched you. Why wouldn’t I know you better than everyone else? But now…I don’t think that’s true. I don’t know you anymore. And you don’t know me. And that’s okay.
Bakugou could feel his heart drop as he read the next sentence.
I won’t call you Kacchan anymore. Since we’re just classmates…you’ll just be Bakugou to me now. I hope one day, I’ll get to call you Kacchan again. I hope one day, we’ll call each other friends. But for now, let’s just focus on becoming the heroes we want to be.
Truly, Deku
Bakugou couldn’t breathe. He felt like the light had just been taken out of him. He was angry. Upset. Sad.
He was shaking.
The old him was screaming inside. ‘How dare the fucking nerd write this stupid shit? How fucking dare he? Let’s make that shitty nerd say this shit to my face. Fucking Deku thinking he’s better than me.’
But that was the old him. That was the him that he tried so hard to control. The little part of him that felt so small compared to everyone around him. He wasn’t like that anymore. Or, he tried not to be.
Still he was angry. Angry that Deku had been thinking this. Angry that Deku was basically saying that he was giving up. What the fuck?
He never wanted it to be like this. He’d tried so hard to act civil. So hard to act normal around the nerd. But he couldn’t do it. There was still a strong part of him that saw Deku as an enemy. Not in the way that a villain was the enemy but in a way that forced him to try harder. He was so afraid to be left behind. He couldn’t be left behind. He refused to be.
He thought they had taken a step forward. A step closer to becoming friends. How could he have been so wrong?
And what was he supposed to do now that he’s lost the only person who’s ever stuck by his side no matter what stupid decision he’s made?
-----
Midoriya woke up around 8am that morning. He felt like a whole weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt like today was going to be a good day.
After doing his morning routine, Midoriya met a few of his other classmates in the common room. “Hey guys.” He smiled. It felt like a real smile.
“Hey Deku!” Uraraka smiled back, scooting over on the couch to make room for the greenette.
Midoriya sat down and was immediately pulled into the conversation the other’s were having. “OK, Deku. If you had to choose between turning into a worm for the rest of your life or eating ten bales of hay..what would you do?” Kaminari asked, eyes bright with curiosity.
Midoriya laughed at the question, “What?”
Yaoyorozu rolled her eyes, “He’s been asking everyone who’s come down so far. I chose to eat the hay.”
“Worm” Todoroki hummed wisely, as if he just knew that was the right answer.
“Yeah, worm, ribbit.”
“I chose hay.” Ojiro shrugged.
“Ooh me too. Hay for me please.” Uraraka giggled.
Midoriya laughed at the others’ answers. “Uhhh…I guess I’d eat the hay?” He shrugged.
Kaminari gasped dramatically, “Deku! I definitely thought you’d be a worm guy.”
“What does that even mean?” Jirou laughed, causing everyone to laugh as well.
The day was off to a great start. Midoriya was outside, getting ready for a run when he saw Bakugou step outside as well. He tensed up for a second before shaking his head. ‘Relax.’ And so he did, he let himself loosen up, shaking away the nerves.
Bakugou stood a few feet away from Midoriya but they still stood next to each other. It seemed Bakugou was getting ready for a jog, too.
They stretched in silence before Bakugou spoke, “I got your letter.”
“Oh…good.” Midoriya mumbled. God, this was so awkward.
“...Wanna race?” Bakugou asked, turning to fully look at Midoriya now.
Midoriya froze for a second, confused. He thought that after writing that letter, they’d just act like strangers. But, maybe that’s impossible so long as they’re in the same class. Still, Bakugou didn’t have to start a conversation with him, right?
“...Sure…let’s race.” Midoriya let himself smile just a bit. “I bet I’ll beat you.” He couldn’t help but tease. Although he was slightly afraid that Bakugou would just say something shitty, he didn't expect the response that he got.
Bakugou smirked, “Heh, I’d like to see you try. I mean, I beat you bowling yesterday. I'll beat you today for sure.”
Midoriya wasn’t sure what exactly was happening but he smiled, that bubbly feeling of competitiveness rushing through his body as he hopped from one foot to the other. “Ok, you’re on. Ready?”
“To the training grounds, yeah?”
“Fine by me.”
“Ready…”
“Set…”
They didn’t even have to say go before the two started off, running with all their might toward the training ground.
I can’t say who won. It was probably a tie, anyway. Probably, anyway.
The two didn’t just stop at the race. They decided to spar together. They fought stupidly. Not stupid like reckless. Stupid like they weren’t even trying at all. They…they were having fun.
They started playing off each other. Working together to defeat some imaginary villain. They were like kids again.
“Bakugou! Give me a lift!” Midoriya felt weird calling him that, but he promised himself he’d only call him Kacchan if they determined they were friends, for real.
Bakugou hated that he wasn't Kacchan anymore. But he ignored that feeling as he blasted Midoriya into the air.
If you could see them, you’d think they were dancing with their quirks. They moved in sync. It’s like they just knew what the other was thinking.
----
By the end of the training, they were exhausted. Laughing, they lazily leaned into one another, slowly making their way back to the dorms.
“I had fun.” Midoriya smiled, letting himself focus on the feeling of Bakugou’s arm around his shoulders. “We should do this more often.”
Bakugou let out a breath of air, looking at the sky. The sun was setting and the sky was orange and pink. It was pretty. “Yeah…we should.” He turned to look at Midoriya. His freckled face was still flushed red from running around so much. He was sure his face was also red.
It had been a real long time since the two have hung out like this. It’s been a while since Bakugou felt like he was normal again.
Maybe this was good for them. Starting over from scratch. When Bakugou had the courage to, he would apologize for being a piece of shit. He promised himself that he would. One day. He wanted Deku to stay in his life. He wanted Deku to be by his side.
Midoriya doesn’t really know when they stopped leaning onto each other. They were just suddenly walking side by side. They were so close, though. Their shoulders were practically touching and their hands brushed together every so often.
They walked back to the dorms in silence. A swarm of thoughts ran through both of their minds.
‘I wish today would never end.’