Work Text:
“There are certain gifts that feel more like a curse.”
When Jaehyun heard a pretentious YouTuber utter that sentence in the middle of a long video essay about the newest popular superhero movie, he couldn’t help but roll his eyes. How could superpowers be a curse? Literally, every single kid would kill to have a superpower. Heck, even Jaehyun himself, now in his mid-twenties, would still seriously do anything, anything at all , to have a superpower.
Imagine being able to teleport! He could save so much time, instead of commuting to work every day. Or maybe he could just snap his fingers and teleport himself to Tokyo for a weekend. Or Paris. Or Los Angeles! Really, the possibilities are endless. Maybe he could even become an anti-hero and use his teleportation powers to rob the rich and give their money to the poor (from whom the rich stole it in the first place. Eat the rich!)
Or maybe he could have shapeshifting powers. It would be wonderful to be another person whenever he didn’t feel like being himself. It wasn’t as if Jaehyun wasn’t happy with his appearance or his life, but well, how does it feel like to be another person? To be twenty centimeters taller? To be a young kid again and just have fun playing around in a playground? To be a woman for a day to see what it's like to live with a body completely different from what he was used to? And such a power could have so many uses. He could use it to become someone else and just do things he would never have the courage to do himself. Blame the “saving face” mentality his mother beat into him as a young boy. There are dozens of things Jaehyun, even if he learned to not care so much about what others thought about him, would still never allow himself to do.
But in the end it was all hypothetical. He didn’t really have superpowers. No matter how much he wished he did, he wasn’t bitten by a radioactive spider, he didn’t find out about a secret overpowered alien heritage, and he wasn’t rich enough to build himself a suit of armor that gave him superpowers. (Eat the rich, but damn, Jaehyun really wished he was rich).
That is, until one day .
One day, he was simply chilling at home, slouching on his couch as he watched some random documentary on TV more as background noise than anything else. He had been working overtime almost every single day that past week, so he was so incredibly tired he first thought it was a dream. His vision first turned hazy, as his eyes closed. But then he could see a vivid image.
Jacob and Kevin walking towards him, huge smiles on their faces. Gosh, Jaehyun missed them. Jacob gave him a tight hug, saying how nice it was to finally see him after such a long time. Kevin took the time to thank Jaehyun for picking them up at the airport. “ No problem, it’s my life’s mission to be my friend’s chauffeur. ” He heard himself joke, eliciting a loud laugh from Younghoon who, now he could notice, was standing right next to him in the middle of the crowded airport.
Then, his eyes snapped open and he was once more in his living room. The TV was still playing wildlife scenes and the narrator dramatically described the mating habits of the Hyacinth macaw. Jaehyun blinked, confused for a moment, and then decided it was just a dream. His tired mind played tricks on him with one thing he really wanted to happen. It had been over a year since Jacob and Kevin went back to Canada, afterall. He missed his friends dearly, no matter how many late night conversations they had on Kakao Talk.
What was weird was how the next day Jacob mentioned in their group chat about how he and Kevin were returning to Korea the next month. Jaehyun thought it was a crazy coincidence that he dreamed about that and then he heard it would be happening. He still believed it was a coincidence when Younghoon volunteered the two of them to pick their friends at the airport and when he saw Jacob and Kevin approaching them and saying the same lines as he had once heard in a dream. A really crazy coincidence, but a coincidence nonetheless. He decided not to care too much about it.
But it happened again. He was fully awake this time. Sitting in his workplace’s cafeteria and somewhere in between forkfuls of barely edible japchae, he blinked and he was on a beach. The sand felt warm under his bare feet. His body was moving on its own and he hit the volleyball, completely missing the improvised court and sending it straight to the ocean. “ Jae hyung, you suck! ” Haknyeon screeched, dropping to his knees in laughter. Sunwoo made a snarky comment about their hyung inviting the sea creatures to play with them, before Jaehyun heard his own voice commandeering Sunwoo to go fetch the ball.
And then he felt the noodles hitting his face, as he completely missed his mouth in his reverie. He quickly cleaned his cheek with a napkin, pondering if it was his subconscious mind screaming at him and demanding for a vacation.
Later, in the same day, he was out drinking with his friends and Haknyeon randomly proposed they should go on vacation to his family’s home in Jeju as soon as they could, especially now that Jacob and Kevin were back. “That’s a great idea, Haknyeonie.” Juyeon exclaimed right next to Jaehyun, who was still frozen in place. “We can even play some volleyball. Jaehyun hyung and I against you and Sunwoo maybe.”
Jaehyun eventually managed to force himself out of his stupor and go back to chatting and planning with his friends. Now, he shouldn’t be so surprised. They had been talking about going on a vacation together for a while already. Haknyeon even mentioned before that they should all go to Jeju. It wasn’t a coincidence, just his mind playing around with his wishes. Not different at all from all his daydreams as a young kid when he imagined how it would be like to be a superhero. He just turned into a boring adult and thus he was having daydreams about feasible things now.
Except… It became such a frequent occurrence. Sometimes he would just stop and have a glimpse into a scenario. It would always be something good. Like when he saw his sister announcing his pregnancy, or Sunwoo’s song going viral on soundcloud, or even foreseeing his own promotion at work. It felt somewhat as if he was receiving spoilers for life itself. He still felt somewhat unsure if it was his mind playing tricks with him about things he wanted to come to truth (after all, of course Jaehyun wished for all his friends and family members to be happy and successful in their lives), or if he had actually developed the ability to see into the future, since his predictions, after a few days or months would eventually come true.
The one that took the longest to come to fruition was when he saw Juyeon and Changmin winning a dance competition almost a year before it took place. In his dream, he could even vividly recall the song they chose for their performance. And then, one day, when Juyeon was rambling about how they still had no idea what to perform, Jaehyun suggested said song to him. After they won, a year later, Juyeon and Changmin partially credited him for the “ inspired song choice, hyung. The judges loved it! ”.
That was the moment Jaehyun finally convinced himself he was indeed seeing glimpses into the future, and it wasn’t just wishful thinking stemming from his unconscious mind. He could actually foresee things that were going to happen. And, maybe, even influence the future with his predictions. Maybe Juyeon and Changmin would eventually decide on that particular song for their performance, but Jaehyun nudged them in that direction and meddled with the future when he suggested the song to them. Was that the right thing to do? Was he to use his foreknowledge to influence his friends’ and family’s future? Or should he just accept he was getting spoilers to future occurrences and just wait and see when they would come to happen?
He had no idea what to do. Once, Jaehyun heard that “with great power comes great responsibility” and so he knew he had to be mindful about his newly discovered power. That knowledge weighed heavily on him, though. He had no idea what the best decision was, in regards to what to do with his skill. He thought about discussing it with Sangyeon or Jacob, who he was sure would have good advice to give to him. Provided they would actually believe him in the first place.
In the end, he decided the only person he knew would actually wholeheartedly believe him (or at least entertain the possibility) was Younghoon. It was due to a simple process of elimination, really. Sangyeon would think he was crazy, Jacob would get concerned, Juyeon would get lost in philosophical arguments and logistics, Sunwoo would get skeptical, Haknyeon would laugh at him… Younghoon was the only one he thought might understand, or at least try to.
After all, they had been friends since forever after all. There was virtually nothing they didn’t know about each other. In fact, whenever he had anything happening in his life, Younghoon was the first one he would share it with. So it felt right to share this with him first, even if Jaehyun was still unsure over how helpful he could really be. Younghoon might not be as insightful as Sangyeon or Juyeon, but he was the closest he had to a confidant.
A few quick texts were exchanged, and Jaehyun went over to the other’s apartment. Once he was in the elevator, he mentally prepared himself for the chat, rehearsing what he was going to say and how.
The image of the closed metal doors in front of him shifted to a bright blue sky and the smell of flowers. He looked around and Juyeon and Jacob were standing near him, dressed up in suits and sporting jubilant smiles on their faces. As his eyes ran through the scenario he could so vividly experience, he spotted all his friends and family members sitting in chairs arranged into rows. And then, right in front of him was Younghoon.
His eyes were rimmed red, as he struggled to contain his tears, but his lips were displaying a beautiful smile. “ Always and forever. ” He said, struggling to get the words out as a sob threatened to come out. Some people chuckled around them.
“ So now, you may kiss. ” A voice he didn’t recognize said next to him and then Jaehyun felt as his body moved forward towards Younghoon, cradling his face into his hands and pulling him down for a kiss, feeling as his feet went into tiptoes to give him some leverage.
Younghoon’s lips were soft and warm, but wet by his tears, which now ran freely on his face. In his chest, Jaehyun knew he had never been so happy in his life as he was in that imagined moment. People cheered around them and rose petals falling from above caressed his cheeks.
The polished metal doors reflected Jaehyun’s expression of shock and terror back at him. A small ring followed and the doors opened to the corridor, but Jaehyun immediately pressed the button so the elevator would go back down to the first floor.
Younghoon
Yah Lee Jaehyun!!!
Are you coming or not?? 💢💢💢
Don’t make me wait when you promised me pizza, asshole 😤
Sorry, Younghoon.
Something came up.
Talk to you later.
Oh. Okay.
Is everything okay?
Jaehyun?
👀
I’m worried, is everything alright?
Jaehyun??
Yah, don’t ignore me!!!
Jaehyun stared at his phone. Even after almost an entire week, he still didn't find enough courage to message Younghoon back. The image of his friend's face stained by happy tears and so close to his own was burned into his eyes.
It was almost driving him to insanity, it was the only thing he could think of for the past few days, and Jaehyun didn't know what to make of it. It felt so real and he could so clearly remember how full his chest felt in that moment, busting with happiness and-
No, that was ridiculous. He and Younghoon were just friends, and they would never be anything other than friends. The scene in that daydream looked like a wedding, but certainly it must've been anything else other than that.
Jaehyun strained his brain trying to come up with any possible scenarios that explained two bros dressed up in suits and being told to kiss, but he came up empty-handed. Maybe they would have a late-twenties career-path change and end up becoming actors in a new BL drama? That was the only possible explanation, if Jaehyun disregarded the overwhelming joy that his dream-self felt.
Even if he would allow himself to believe that it was truly a premonition about the future... Not only was he decidedly not in love with Younghoon ( they were just friends ), but Younghoon was also in a relationship with someone else. And Jaehyun's mother didn't raise a homewrecker! He didn't even want to think about what would have to happen for him to end up with someone who was already in love with someone else who was perfect for them.
So the only choice left for Jaehyun was to make sure that the future would never come to reality. Maybe he should move to Iceland or Cuba or anywhere else in the world where he would be so far away from Younghoon that he could avoid accidentally breaking up his friend’s relationship with--
"Jaehyun hyung, you're staring so hard at that toast that I'm worried you'll end up burning a hole through it."
Jaehyun all but jumped in place, his knee loudly hitting the table in the process, leading to the many heads in the small cafe to turn around and stare at him in confusion and annoyance. He kinda wanted to get mad at the person who so rudely brought him back from the deep thoughts he was lost in, but once he realized it was Chanhee, the complaint died in his mouth.
"Um. Hi, Chanhee." He sheepishly greeted, instead. Jaehyun barely could stand to look back at his friend, instead putting all of his attention on his now disgustingly cold cappuccino and the sad, floppy toast right next to it.
Chanhee, unbothered by the lack of enthusiasm, placed his own cup on the table and sat on the chair directly across from Jaehyun. "How are you doing? You went MIA on us, everyone is worried about you."
As the coward he was, Jaehyun started spouting excuses, blaming it on his work and also on how busy he was with, uh , family stuff. Chanhee looked back at him with an expression that made clear how much he didn't believe a single word.
"Yeah, sure. Just make sure you get back at Younghoon, will you? He's been insufferable, whining about how you're mad at him and he doesn't even know why." Oblivious to Jaehyun's internal struggles, Chanhee just rolled his eyes. "Even if you're still annoyed that he volunteered you to take Jacob and Kevin to the airport, have some pity for me who has to deal with Younghoon being moody on a daily basis."
Chanhee obviously meant it as a joke at his boyfriend's expense, but Jaehyun, who had been thinking non-stop about an incredibly inappropriate vision he had with someone else's boyfriend, couldn't really find it in himself to force a laugh. "I'm sorry, Chanhee. I'll talk to him soon."
"Is everything really okay, hyung?" The younger man asked seriously, his clever eyes carefully studying Jaehyun's face, as if he could decipher his expression and see into his mind.
Jaehyun scrambled to find an excuse, any excuse. He couldn’t simply blurt out that he believed he had developed the power to glimpse into the future and that the future he saw consisted of him marrying Chanhee’s boyfriend. Not only would he be considered insane, but a major a-hole at that, for sure.
"I'm not sure if I'm happy with the life I have ahead of me." Jaehyun slowly said, measuring each of his words. "So I've been thinking that maybe I should travel abroad... Go on some adventures... Meet new people. I don't know. I just feel like getting away from my life."
At first, Chanhee didn't say anything, seemingly considering carefully what he had heard. Eventually, he nodded and gave Jaehyun a meaningful look. "I understand. Sometimes we feel stuck in our lives and in the path we've chosen."
Jaehyun felt somewhat guilty for telling one of his friends something that was a half-truth at best and a complete lie at worst, but he reasoned that he would feel even guiltier if he were to tell Chanhee what he had been thinking recently. That stupid vision was the one thing Jaehyun was taking to the grave with him.
In order to lighten up the mood, Jaehyun tried asking Chanhee about how his work was or how their other friends were doing. But, of course, Chanhee was way too sharp and noticed the obvious attempt to change the subject. Instead of allowing the escape Jaehyun desperately wanted, he pressed on:
"But seriously, hyung, you need to talk to Younghoon. Even if you decide to drastically change your life, I know for sure you don't want to let go of your friends." And then more softly, Chanhee added: "I know that Younghoon means a lot to you, and you are very important to him too."
Jaehyun, for an instant, wanted to protest. But it would be weirder to claim that Younghoon, his friend for the best part of a decade, didn't matter that much to him. He really did matter.
He reassured Chanhee he would talk to Younghoon as soon as possible, no matter if he didn’t actually didn’t want to. He had no idea how he was going to face him, after the ultra-realistic vision he had experienced.
And a few days later, when he was hanging out with his friends, including Younghoon, he still hadn’t figured out how to deal with him. Through text, he was able to maintain a semblance of normality. But face-to-face was a whole other beast entirely.
Sandwiched between Juyeon and Haknyeon on the couch in the living room of Changmin’s cramped apartment, Jaehyun tried his best to focus on the story Sunwoo was dramatically sharing on the other side of the room. He forced out laughs, clapped and hit Juyeon’s arm playfully. All to avoid looking directly at Younghoon, who was sitting directly across from him, with one of his arms wrapped around Chanhee’s shoulders.
After Sunwoo was done sharing his most recent Tinder misadventure and the laughter subsided, Younghoon started talking. Jaehyun tried to pay attention to him, but when his friend made direct eye-contact with him, he basically jumped to stand up, causing Haknyeon to spill his drink, and scurried away to the kitchen, announcing a bit too loudly that he was going to grab more soda.
He rested his forehead against the fridge, resisting the impulse to actually hit his head against it. “ What the fuck are you even doing, Lee Jaehyun? ” The question escaped his lips in a whisper, as he tried to calm himself down and busy himself with pouring himself another glass of Coke. Deliberately, he tried to take as long as humanly possible to complete the task, only so he could avoid going back to the living room for as long as he could.
Perhaps a bit too long, because then Younghoon was strouting inside the small kitchen, his eyebrows coming together in a frown. “Hey.” He simply said.
“Hey.” Jaehyun answered, darting his eyes to examine Changmin’s collection of creepily cute mugs on a shelf.
“Are we okay?” Jaehyun nodded a bit too quickly in response to his friend’s question and made a non-committal sound, intending on escaping back to the living room. Younghoon, however, grabbed his wrist. “Because it doesn’t feel like we are. Are you angry at me? What did I do, Jaehyun?”
“I’m not angry, and you didn’t do anything.”
Younghoon sighed. “You’re not even looking at me.”
In defiance, Jaehyun turned and stared at him. Which was a mistake. Younghoon was pouting, his lower lip jutting, and his eyes were as expressive as always. One only needed to look at Younghoon’s eyes to know how he was feeling. No matter how cold and composed he could maintain his expression his eyes would always betray him. They were watery, making it obvious how hurt he was feeling. But the usual glimmer they carried, full of joy and mischievousness, was missing.
Jaehyun felt his chest constrict in pain at that. He resisted the impulse to avoid the other’s stare, this time in guilt for causing grief to his friend rather than shame and embarrassment, but he struggled to say something, anything, back at him.
“We would always tell each other everything, even when we were angry at each other. You even told me you had something important to talk about before you started avoiding me like the plague.” Younghoon’s voice was soft, as if he was afraid of scaring Jaehyun away. “What happened?”
In lieu of answering, Jaehyun let his body move on its own, as he enveloped Younghoon’s broad shoulders and pulled him into a hug.
For a moment, they just stayed like that. Despite their friends' muffled voices and laughs, the only sound Jaehyun could hear was his own heartbeat, which felt deafening. Younghoon felt warm and familiar against his body, and that was all Jaehyun focused on.
“I’m sorry, Hoonie.” He babbled, nudging his face against the other’s shoulder. “I’m just- I’m just a mess recently. It’s not your fault, it’s just me being a mess.”
Younghoon hummed in understanding, his arms tightening around Jaehyun’s waist, pulling him even closer if that was even possible. “You know you can talk to me, right? You can tell me anything.”
It didn’t fail Jaehyun’s notice the sniffle at the end, his voice quavering with each syllable. “I know. Thank you.”
They stepped away from each other and exchanged a smile. Jaehyun led his friend by his hand, fingers intertwined, back to where the others were in the living room, all the heads turning to stare at them.
“Oh, good. You guys made up!” Haknyeon exclaimed, a relieved breath following.
Sunwoo, despite the warm smile on his face, couldn’t resist being the brat he always was. “Why is Younghoon hyung crying again?”
“I’m not crying!” Younghoon squeaked, letting go of Jaehyun’s hand to slap their maknae’s shoulder in protest.
Putting his hand back inside his pocket, Jaehyun also playfully took a jab at him. “You are kind of crying, to be fair, Hoonie.”
“And whose fault is that?!”
Their friend group erupted in laughter at Younghoon’s expense. And for a moment, Jaehyun thought he really could make this work. He could really ignore that stupid vision and just focus on his friendship with Younghoon. Everything could be exactly as it has always been.
Except it really couldn’t.
Even if he forced himself to act as he always did and look at Younghoon in a purely platonic, bro-like manner, it was like his heart and his mind were conspiring against him. Jaehyun was simply hyper aware of Younghoon and everything he did.
Now, Jaehyun had always been a very affectionate and touchy person, always giving hugs to his friends, holding hands, playfully hitting them while he laughed… And he forced himself to do the same with Younghoon. Each time he would touch him was calculated and rehearsed, he had to psyche himself into doing that, ignoring his racing heart. And as soon as he was done, he would step away from Younghoon as quickly as he could, as if he had been burned.
And Younghoon himself was touchy and it wasn’t very often that he would give Jaehyun a chance to brace himself to receive his affection. Sometimes Jaehyun would jump out of his skin whenever he found himself wrapped into Younghoon’s embrace. Were they always this touchy with each other? It almost felt like Younghoon was somehow trying to make up for the time Jaehyun had been avoiding him and thus was doubling-down on the skinship.
Fortunately, Younghoon was blissfully unaware of Jaehyun’s discomfort. However, their friends were more perceptive than Jaehyun gave them credit for. And it didn’t take long for someone else to notice how oddly Jaehyun had been behaving.
Juyeon had quite the reputation among their friends for being innocent, an euphemism they used instead of calling him “slow” or “distracted”. But sometimes he would be weirdly perceptive. He had been the first to notice that there was something going on between Sangyeon and Eric, before they even realized they liked each other more than as friends.
So one day, as they were taking a break from the Netflix show they had been binge-watching, Juyeon asked: “Hyung, what’s going on between you and Younghoon hyung?”
Jaehyun would have laughed it off and dismissed him, if he hadn’t startled at Juyeon’s question and completely given himself away. He used to be so good at maintaining a poker face usually, to the point he was his group’s undefeated Mafia champion!
“You promise you won’t tell anybody?” Juyeon promptly nodded, turning his whole body to show Jaehyun he was giving him his full attention. “I mean. This will sound a bit crazy, okay?”
Juyeon simply blinked back at him, but nodded once more, probably figuring out it would be more helpful to go along with his hyung.
“Let’s say one day I woke up and I could see the future, okay? I foresaw Jacob and Kevin coming back to Korea almost a year ago, and then I started having these, like, visions about things that would eventually become true. Like, the song I suggested to you and Changmin to use in the dance competition wasn’t an idea I had, but rather a premonition I had about the two of you winning that contest with that song.”
He stopped to check Juyeon’s reaction to his words. To his credit, his dongsaeng maintained a neutral expression, completely devoid of judgment, on his face. That encouraged Jaehyun to carry on:
“And one day, the premonition I had… One day I saw something in the future. It looked like a wedding and Younghoon was standing in front of me. And then we kissed.” He threw another nervous glance at Juyeon. “I know it’s stupid, because I’m basically getting worked up at him based on something that happened in a dream.”
Jaehyun tried to force out a laugh, to make light of how stupid he was, but Juyeon didn’t join him. Instead, his friend looked contemplative.
“And now you’re weird around Younghoon because you’re worried about your friendship with him and his relationship with Chanhee.” Juyeon inferred, nodding once more.
“And also because it’s ridiculous, like Younghoon and I don’t like each other like that. I don’t think we ever will.” He laughed again, shaking his head. One look at Juyeon’s puzzled expression, and Jaehyun barked a bit more defensively than he meant to: “What?”
“No, it’s just that I always thought that you and Younghoon hyung would end up dating someday. It’s weird that you never did.” The younger of the two shrugged, as if his comment didn’t hit Jaehyun like a bucket of ice-cold water.
He had absolutely no idea how Juyeon had reached that conclusion. Jaehyun laughed in disbelief and nervousness. That idea was ridiculous. Younghoon and him? That was insane.
It wasn’t that he didn’t think Younghoon was attractive. Of course he was. Probably one of the most beautiful people Jaehyun had ever met in his life. He still remembered how he had to do a double-take when he first saw Younghoon, all those years ago, still in high school. It’s not that he wasn’t used to seeing attractive people - he had a mirror and had been classmates with Cha effing Eunwoo for most of his high school life after all, just that Younghoon was the type of cool, chilly beauty that one only usually sees in dramas.
And then when he first started talking with Younghoon (out of necessity, they had been paired for an assignment), he realized that the other’s serious and unapproachable expression was in blatant contrast to his personality. Younghoon was quiet at first, more due to introversion and shyness rather than true unsociability, but he also had a very naturally cute personality, even if he was so tall and statuesque.
At the time, Jaehyun felt drawn to him, so fascinated by every single one of his expressions and natural aegyo. It wasn’t an unusual experience to feel his chest warm up at Younghoon’s adorable demeanor. And once they got close, Younghoon proved to be the best friend he could wish for. He played off Jaehyun so well, but also knew when to get serious and call him out on his bullshit. He really, really liked Younghoon and couldn’t even fathom his life without him.
That didn’t change even after they went to college, the same campus, even if they were pursuing different majors. They stayed close even after they both started dating. His ex-boyfriend even used to joke around that he had to compete with Younghoon for Jaehyun’s attention. That’s how close they were.
“I like him as a friend.” Jaehyun said, even if his voice wavered.
Juyeon stared at him, propping his face on one of his large hands. He was quiet for quite a while, studying his hyung’s face. Jaehyun felt the panic building on his chest and he felt the need to repeat once more:
“ Only as a friend.” He refused to acknowledge it, but he knew it wasn’t Juyeon who he was trying to convince with his words.
“Do you really think that? Or do you think that because you’re afraid of ruining your friendship with him?” Juyeon asked and his words echoed a small part of Jaehyun’s mind that had been screaming at him for longer than he cared to admit. “Even before Younghoon hyung and Chanhee started dating, I always thought you two would date.”
“Well, we didn’t. And now he is with Chanhee. Younghoon loves Chanhee, and you know it.” The two of them had been together for over a year at this point and it was obvious how they made each other so happy. Happier than Younghoon had been in years, actually. Jaehyun wouldn’t ever want to do anything to jeopardize their relationship. “So the two of us is not a thing that’s going to happen. I just have to give it enough time so I can forget this stupid vision or whatever, so we can go back to being normal friends.”
“I mean, even if you hadn’t recommended that song, it’s possible Changmin and I would end up choosing that song. It was in our short-list, we just were having trouble making a decision. So maybe that future is inevitable, you don’t know what’s really going to happen, you just had a glimpse of the outcome. Or just one of the possible outcomes.” Juyeon quickly added when it looked like his hyung was about to protest. “Or maybe it will be like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re now very conscious over Younghoon and how you feel about him, which will end up causing that outcome.”
“Don’t you get it, Juyeon? That future can’t come to reality. I want Younghoon and Chanhee both to be happy, I won’t get in the way of their love.”
“Okay, hyung.” Juyeon sighed. Among one of the things Jaehyun excelled at was stubbornness. It was almost impossible to convince him once he had made his mind on something. Even so, the younger of the two added: “But maybe you won’t have to for that future to happen.”
Jaehyun considered the matter closed. Talking to Juyeon did nothing to alleviate the anxiety building up inside him, if anything, it made him even more worried about whatever was to come. “In any case, don’t breathe a word of it to anybody, okay? I’ll murder you with my very hands if you do. And then feed you to Changmin’s fishes.”
“I won’t say a word, don’t worry.” Juyeon rolled his eyes at him and pressed play again on the long-forgotten show they had been watching.
As he had said, Jaehyun fully expected to slowly forget the vision and go back to how he had always been. But he didn’t, really. Things were still a bit awkward and he avoided Younghoon as much as he could, only meeting him once in a while to keep him appeased, so he wouldn’t be hurt again. If he was somehow displeased, Younghoon didn’t say a peep on the matter.
His future predictions also didn’t stop, but never once since that time he suggested the song to Juyeon and Changmin he tried to somewhat influence what he knew was going to happen. Even so, things would happen exactly as he had foreseen. From Sunwoo getting a deal as a producer for a new, but popular girl group, to Changmin’s TikTok dance going viral.
Whenever one of his premonitions would come true, the sense of dread that permanently lingered on his chest would intensify even further. What if that future he saw was inevitable? And what would have to happen for it to come true? It just seemed so unlikely that Jaehyun dreaded to think about what could come to be.
Sooner than he expected, a piece of the puzzle showed itself to him.
It was a Saturday night, and his friend group was reuniting in the small flat Sunwoo and Eric shared. It was a rare occasion that all of them managed to gather together. Not only were they all busy with work and personal lives, but also Jaehyun had purposefully been avoiding the last few get-togethers. This time, however, Changmin had told him he absolutely needed to come and didn’t give him much room for argument.
Once he arrived, he quickly found himself playing around and chatting with the friends who were already there. He missed them whenever he couldn’t see them, even if it was self-imposed. Younghoon hadn't arrived yet, so the main cause of Jaehyun’s recent worries not being there yet probably contributed to him feeling comfortable.
Whenever the doorbell would ring, Jaehyun’s heart would skip a beat in anticipation and his eyes would dart to the front door to see who arrived. “He’s not coming today, hyung.” Juyeon told him, after the third time it happened.
“Why? What happened?” Chanhee had been there even since Jaehyun arrived, and he and Younghoon usually came as a set to all their gatherings.
Juyeon didn’t reply, though, only shrugging in response with an annoyingly knowing look in his eyes. Jaehyun tried to convince himself it was better this way, since being in Younghoon’s general vicinity had been bad to his heart’s well-being recently. So he focused on enjoying his other friend’s company.
Later in the night, after everyone (minus Younghoon) had arrived, it was made clear why they were gathering in the first place.
“I’m going to miss you all.” Chanhee hiccuped around a glass of wine, rubbing Sunwoo’s head and purposely messing up his hair.
Haknyeon jokingly swooned and made a show of placing his hands in front of his heart, as if deeply moved. “Awww, we’ll miss you even more, hyung.”
“I personally think you’ll be having so much fun out and about in Europe that you won’t even remember us at all.” Sunwoo rolled his eyes, after he removed Chanhee’s hand from his hair.
Jaehyun blinked, surprised by this information. “What?”
“Oh, that’s right. You don’t know because you brushed us off the last three times.” Chanhee snapped his fingers, as if he just realized it. His whole face brightened up in the most joyful smile. “Hyung, I got a job in a travel magazine, so I’ll be in Europe as a photographer.”
“Chanhee hyung is a big deal now!” Eric cheered.
“Congratulations, Chanhee. That’s- That’s huge.” Jaehyun stood up from his place, moving towards his friend to pull him into a hug. “It has been your dream for a while now, hasn’t it?”
Their friend group exploded in talks over what Chanhee would be doing in Europe and how much fun he would be having (“yah, I’m going there to work! Not to play around!”), paired with requests to take them along and send them souvenirs. Jaehyun was still flabbergasted by the news, even after he once more sat on the couch, trying to gather his thoughts.
That was sudden and would be happening so fast. Chanhee would be moving there for at least six months, but more likely a year. And his plane was scheduled for the next Wednesday, it was all coming from nowhere. Albeit, Jaehyun knew it was his own fault, since he had been doing such a poor job at keeping up with his friends.
“Younghoon hyung and Chanhee broke up.” Juyeon whispered to him as they were making their way downstairs and leaving the small gathering, that now Jaehyun realized it had been a send-off party. “They figured long distance wouldn’t work for them.”
Jaehyun hummed, not sure what Juyeon expected him to make of this information. So he simply said goodbye to him and started making his way to his car. For some reason, he couldn’t help but still feel that small twinge of guilt in his heart, the same one that had settled there and would make itself known whenever he thought about Younghoon and Chanhee.
In the middle of the street, his head was filled with a vision once more. The first thing he spotted was the familiar couch in Younghoon’s living room, due to its hideous yet distinctive print. Its owner was curled into himself, sitting on one side of it. His face was hidden on his hands, but it was impossible to miss the way his shoulders shaked with his sobs.
Immediately, Jaehyun wanted to do something, anything, to comfort him. He felt the urge to pull his friend into his arms and wipe away his tears, but his body wouldn’t move, no matter how much he tried to stretch his arms towards Younghoon. As he heard a scoff in his own voice, Jaehyun mentally cursed his future self. What the hell was he even doing, that he wouldn’t try and soothe a friend who was crying? Even if this was no more than a premonition, or a delirium, he felt agitated.
But as soon as it started, it ended and the sight of the calm street in the evening was once more in front of him. He needed to put his hand on his car’s door to brace himself from what he had seen.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Juyeon’s large hand was on his shoulder and his whole face showed how concerned he was. “What’s wrong?”
Until then, every single one of Jaehyun’s future premonitions had consisted of happy, joyful occasions. He would get glimpses of his friends’ and family’s upcoming fortunes and achievements. But now he saw Younghoon crying and his future self, for some reason, didn’t do anything to help. Jaehyun had no idea what that could mean, but the only thing he knew for certain was that he needed to make sure Younghoon was alright.
That was the explanation he hurriedly mumbled out to a stunned Juyeon, before getting inside his own car and driving off to Younghoon’s place. He had no idea how far into the future that situation would take place, but he would do anything to prevent it.
His only clue was that Younghoon, in his dream, had platinum blonde hair, his current hair color. So it was possible it was something that was going to happen soon, rather than being so far off into the future.
As soon as he arrived at Younghoon's building, he made his way into the elevator. He brushed off the other time he had been there and what he saw, instead focusing on making sure Younghoon was alright. When the elevator’s doors opened, he spotted Younghoon’s front door open, the light coming from inside.
Then his mind supplied him with a bunch of horrible scenarios that could both explain why his front door was open and why he had foreseen a crying Younghoon. He braced himself and moved towards the door, getting inside the apartment.
Younghoon was sitting there on his god-awful couch eating popcorn out of a bowl. “Juyeon called and said you were coming here. What’s up?” His friend nonchalantly asked, extending the popcorn bowl towards him, as if inviting him to grab some.
Jaehyun made a mental note of setting up an early appointment with his therapist, because it wasn’t normal for someone to have such a rollercoaster of emotions in a single day. Earlier he had been anxious about the prospect of seeing Younghoon, then happy for Chanhee, then weirdly guilty when Juyeon told him about their break up, then once more anxious when he had that stupid vision, and at last he felt despair and fear when he saw Younghoon’s front door opened. Now, however, he had to fight off the impulse to throw hands at his friend and yell at him for making him worry.
But the feeling that overwhelmed him was relief at seeing that Younghoon was alright. Jaehyun almost felt his knees buckle under him, and now he noticed how his jaw had been set and strained for the whole time, the muscles hurting as he forced them to relax.
Instead, he took a few steps back to close the front door and went to Younghoon, sitting next to him on the couch and accepting the bowl of popcorn. “I was just worried about you.”
“Hmmm… What for?” Younghoon asked, shoving a handful of popcorn into his mouth, without taking his eyes away from the TV.
Jaehyun hesitated. Could he just say it? Would his words be the trigger to make Younghoon cry, like in his vision? Would he be reminding him of something painful if he asked? After a beat too long passed without him answering, Younghoon looked back at him, a puzzled expression on his face.
“Nothing. I feel stupid for worrying now.” Jaehyun forced out a laugh and relaxed even further on the couch. Besides being ugly, it was also quite uncomfortable and stiff against his still way too tense back. “How have you been?”
“Maybe if you actually bothered coming to our outings or if you agreed to hang out with me all the times I asked you to, you’d know.” Younghoon sounded so bitter at first, that Jaehyun’s head snapped to look back at him. Then his friend was looking back and wiggling his eyebrows at him, before breaking down into a fit of giggles.
It was clear that he didn’t really mean much by it, that he wasn’t trying to bait Jaehyun into an argument or guilt him into apologizing. It was just Younghoon being his silly self and trying to get a rouse out of him. However, Jaehyun knew he had been a bit aloof at best and downright neglectful if he was being less generous with himself.
So, he really meant it when he said: “I’m sorry, Younghoon-ah. I’ve been a pretty awful friend.”
“The worst.” Younghoon nodded, still trying to contain his laughter. “You’re lucky I have shitty taste.” He quipped again, throwing Jaehyun a conspiratorial grin.
Jaehyun snorted and replied without thinking: “I’m telling Chanhee.”
Then he realized what he said and almost started hitting himself for his own stupidity. Why did he bring that up? His friends would tease him that often he would say things without thinking them through, but sometimes Jaehyun got stupefied at his own stupidity.
It had been so automatic. It was part of their usual bickering. Whenever Younghoon would start annoying their friends, they would always jokingly threaten him with telling Chanhee about his behavior. It wasn’t unusual for Chanhee to playfully scold his (at the time) boyfriend.
For instance, when Younghoon dropped a tray full of meat that Jaehyun and Jacob had painstakingly grilled for their friend group at their annual barbecue, the first thing Sunwoo and Haknyeon did was to run and bring Chanhee to the scene, so he could scold Younghoon for being so clumsy (and then console him, promising it wasn’t a big deal and that they could always wash the meat and throw it back in the grill, since the heat would kill all the germs anyway). It hadn’t been that long ago, only a couple months back, in fact. How the hell had they broken up if they always had such a great relationship and dynamic going on? And why did Jaehyun insist in putting his foot in his mouth and so clumsily bringing Chanhee up?
“That was a case of me trying to date outside my usual shitty taste, so it doesn’t apply.” Younghoon didn’t even bat an eye at him, to his surprise, barely showing any reaction. “Plus, Chanhee is busy right now, good luck trying to get a hold of him.”
Jaehyun licked his bottom lip nervously and brushed his hair back. “If you don’t mind me asking…”
He didn’t even need to finish his question for Younghoon to deduce what he was trying to say. “We’re not on bad terms, Chanhee and I. It’s just, we’ve not been working as a couple for a while now.” His expression wasn’t sad or hurt, unlike Jaehyun worried it would be. He seemed more tired and resigned than heartbroken. “He wasn’t about to give up his dream career for me, and nor I expected or wanted him to.”
“You could still make it work. Long distance--”
“We talked about that, but in the end we figured it would be best for us to break up without hurting each other even further, so we could bounce back to being friends.” Younghoon took a deep breath, his eyes looked misty even if his expression was still composed. “We still need some time to heal and amend, but we love each other as friends, so we’ll make it work. Someday, I hope.”
Jaehyun scooched on the couch next to Younghoon, throwing his arm around his friend’s broad shoulders and pulling him into a hug. Younghoon let his head fall, so it would rest on Jaehyun’s shoulder, and nuzzled against him, his hair tickling the other’s neck. His hand also found Jaehyun’s, holding it.
“I’m fine, really, Jaehyun.” Younghoon whispered, but also didn’t move an inch away from him.
Holding each other on that couch, they stayed in silence. Jaehyun only hoped that his presence comforted Younghoon as much as his friend’s comforted him.
A couple of days later, Jaehyun, following their long-established tradition that he was supposed to be their friends’ chauffeur whenever they needed someone to take them to or pick them up from the airport, was driving Chanhee to the airport. Sunwoo and Juyeon had tagged along, sharing the backseat of Jaehyun’s car with all the luggage Chanhee was taking with him.
“Hyung, I have no idea why you are bothering with taking so many clothes with you. You’re literally going to Paris first, isn’t it supposed to be a fashion capital or whatever?” Sunwoo asked, looking at Juyeon for support, who just chuckled at him.
Chanhee just rolled his eyes at him. “Of course I’m going on a shopping spree there soon, but am I supposed to dress in rags until then?”
Sunwoo still tried to engage him into a discussion, since that was his way of showing love, but Chanhee was too busy looking outside the window, at Incheon for what would be the last time in months.
Even as Chanhee was getting ready to get in line to board his plane, after dispatching his luggage, he still exchanged hugs and goodbyes with his friends. Sunwoo valiantly fought off tears, as he crushed Chanhee in a bear-hug. Then it was Jaehyun’s turn to give him a last hug before he had to leave.
“If you want to follow through with your idea of traveling around, come and visit me. I’ll show you around, hyung.” Chanhee said right next to his ear, giving him another squeeze. Jaehyun was touched that he still remembered that small chat they had, when he had been into full-on freaking out mode. Before he could answer, his dongsaeng asked in a even lower tone: “Take care of Younghoon hyung, okay?”
“I will, Chanhee. Go there and be amazing, we’re all so proud of you. I’m proud of you.” Jaehyun replied with a small smile, before he was waving goodbye to Chanhee.
When their friend disappeared from sight, Sunwoo audibly sobbed and tears streaked his cheeks. Jaehyun couldn’t resist snapping a picture of their maknae, only so he could show it to Chanhee later. Sunwoo batted him off and ran towards the bathroom.
Jaehyun laughed and then the sight of a busy airport in front of him was shifting. Suddenly, it was as if he was in a much quieter place. All white walls and polished, stone floors. Lights cascading from the ceiling and large windows letting in the last few moments of sunlight in a autumn afternoon.
He looked around, seeing many photos organized in the walls, with text under each of them. As he squinted, he could make out Chanhee’s name under each single one of them.
“Hyung, you came!” Chanhee’s voice echoed in that stark white hallway. His hair was now a faint shade of pink, complimenting his fair complexion. In his face, he had that same bright smile he had when he announced he would be leaving for his dream job in Europe.
A laugh next to him interrupted him before he could answer. “Of course we came, we wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world.” It was Younghoon, standing next to him. His platinum blonde hair almost had a glow to it under the gallery’s lights. “Congratulations for the award, Chanhee.”
“You did amazing!” Jaehyun heard himself say, as he stepped toward his friend to envelop him into a hug. “I won’t ever stop saying how proud I’m of you.”
“Thank you, hyung.” And then Chanhee was also giving Younghoon a hug. “And you too, hyung.”
And then the only thing he saw in front of him was Juyeon, looking vaguely concerned.
“Hyung? What happened?” He lowered his voice once he saw Jaehyun blinking at him in confusion. “Another vision? What was it this time?”
“Yeah. I just realized I have nothing to worry about.” Jaehyun smiled at Juyeon. “Things will work out in the end.
Juyeon looked at him with that puzzled expression he would often make whenever he got distracted with something and didn’t follow half of the conversation. But Jaehyun didn’t really bother explaining any further.
Seeing those glimpses of future happiness for his loved ones gave him hope that things would work out in the end, even if right now they were messy and felt bitter. Jaehyun wasn’t sure of what was going to happen, those small fragments didn’t really give him a clear picture of what sort of thing he could expect, but at that moment he felt his heart relax a bit with the knowledge that Chanhee would be happy and successful, as he deserved to be.
And more importantly, that his relationship with Younghoon would improve enough that they would be able to greet each other with smiles and hugs in a hopefully not too distant future.
But of course, getting to that peaceful moment he had foresaw wasn’t exactly smooth sailing. People’s hearts don’t heal overnight. Even if there is still love and friendship between them, it’s best to give time to the time, so it can soothe wounds and make whole what was once broken.
Younghoon didn’t seem any different from usual. He behaved as he always did, which worried Jaehyun. Younghoon had never been one to hide his emotions, rather wearing his heart on his sleeve and being quick to tears whenever overwhelmed either by sadness or joy. But he seemed too composed. Way too normal.
One might be fooled into thinking he was completely over Chanhee and didn’t care at all about him. But that was the thing, Jaehyun knew him way too well to be fooled by Younghoon’s attempts at pretending he wasn’t hurting.
The façade would crack at the most unexpected moments. Sometimes it would be a passing comment someone would make, or maybe hearing a certain song playing on the shitty stereo system of their favorite bar. Or even smelling a familiar perfume of a hurrying stranger in a busy street.
In those moments, Younghoon’s eyes would turn glassy, misted over by emotion, that he was quick to disguise as he schooled his face back into a serene expression. But Jaehyun not only knew him enough not to be fooled, but also was too attuned to him and his feelings, even more than always since he had that vision of Younghoon crying.
“It’s not that I want us to be back together.” Younghoon confided in him one day, as they emptied their second soju bottle for the night. “It’s just that… I miss him, you know? We text and call each other, but it’s not the same.”
Jaehyun nodded, because he knew exactly what Younghoon meant. There are certain people that are so important that their absence leaves a hole in your life. That was somewhat how he felt when he was actively avoiding Younghoon for a while, so he could empathize with how Younghoon must feel now that one of his closest friends (and former boyfriend) is a continent away from him.
“And I worry that… What if we’re not able to be friends anymore? What if Chanhee now hates me?” Younghoon pouted, his lower lip trembling as he complained in an even whinier tone. “What if he thinks I’m not worth his friendship anymore?”
“First of all, of course you’re worth his friendship. You’re worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Where’s my stupid and overconfident Bbanghoon? I’m only seeing stupid.” Jaehyun chided him, as if he was talking to a petulant child, poking Younghoon’s cheek.
His friend almost cracked a smile, but he was committed to being whiny that day. His eyes almost had a mischievous glint to them as he asked: “And second of all?”
“And second, of course you’re going to be friends again.” Jaehyun hiccuped, putting down his glass of soju. He clearly had too much. “I’m one thousand percent sure of it. Definitely going to be friends again.”
“How are you so sure?” Younghoon asked. He was probably going for a skeptical look, but the smile that tugged at his lips betrayed him.
Jaehyun stretched on the couch, pulling Younghoon towards him so he could whisper right to his ear. “I can see the future, dumbass.”
At this, Younghoon cackled, throwing his head back and clapping. Jaehyun had been serious in his answer, but hearing that laugh he enjoyed so much also made his own chest bubble up with joy and soon he joined Younghoon in laughing like an idiot.
Soon enough, hanging out with Younghoon became routine once more. And Younghoon certainly demanded the company, now that he was single he clinged to his friends even more than usual, especially to Jaehyun. And Jaehyun was happy to keep him company as often as he could find a breach in his busy schedule to meet up, even if they would only have a quick meal together during their lunch break.
Weekends, however, were another thing entirely. They would spend their whole day together, if they were not meeting their friends later. If they were, then they would meet earlier to get ready together, then hang out with their friends and, after that, go back home together, to watch awful dramas and drink beer.
Jaehyun could almost forget about the whole craziness of the past year or so, the time he avoided Younghoon and how he had been so worried about his relationship with Chanhee. Key-word being almost. The visions didn’t stop, showing him a peek into happy futures. And whenever he would get one of those, even if completely unrelated to Younghoon, he couldn’t help but feel that small tugging in the back of his mind, that annoying reminder of that vision involving his friend that made him avoid Younghoon in the first place.
But more than his own mind reminding him (Jaehyun was quite proficient at ignoring his own feelings, he has had a lifetime of practice. Something he was proud of, only if to avoid feeling depressed over that), there was an actual physical presence who provided him with knowing looks and judgemental stares.
Meaning Juyeon.
“You and Younghoon hyung have been very close.” The dancer commented, as if it was just a casual observation. Like that remark didn’t cause Jaehyun’s heart to jump on his chest, as if caught doing something wrong.
He looked to Juyeon in alarm, like a deer caught in headlights. “Well, we’ve always spent a lot of time together. We’re friends.”
Juyeon hummed in response. Jaehyun had no idea how someone could sound so condescending and derisive with a simple sound from their throat.
If life has taught anything to Jaehyun, besides “be careful with what you wish for” (he sorely regretted wishing he had some sort of power after he started being able to predict the future. Why didn’t he get laser eyes or teleportation at least?), was that when things are going too well for him, it’s because shit is about to go down. The calm before the storm, as it is said.
At first, it seemed like any other regular day. Well, regular to Jaehyun. He had a record of three future visions in a single day. All of them about quite small and benign things, if unremarkable. Then he met his friends to enjoy some chimaek and to hang out with them at their favorite fried chicken place (rather, Jaehyun’s favorite fried chicken place. It was his turn to pick).
And, as usual for the past year, Younghoon came over to his place to hang out afterwards. They picked up more beer and soju at the convenience store and made their way to Jaehyun’s chaotically organized place.
“You really should invest in a shoe rack. It’s criminal to leave expensive shoes just laying on the ground like that.” Younghoon nagged as soon as he set foot on the hyeongwan, as if they didn’t have this exact same conversation about five hundred times before.
Jaehyun didn’t even pay him much attention, instead busying himself with throwing his coat and scarf atop the chair dedicated for exactly this purpose. “Maybe I should invest in a gag. For you.”
“Ooh. Kinky.”
Jaehyun almost had whiplash with how fast he turned to stare at Younghoon, who almost chortled with how hard he was laughing, his back leaning against the wall. Maybe he shouldn’t be so alarmed, his friend was beyond drunk anyway.
Younghoon stumbled his way across the living room and threw himself at Jaehyun’s large, comfy sofa, almost immediately opening yet another can of beer.
“Maybe you should slow down.” Jaehyun announced, taking the can away from Younghoon. He shouldn’t notice how their chilly fingers brushed against each other, but he did. “You had enough already.”
Jaehyun also sat down and started sipping from the can the other had opened. Younghoon, meanwhile, decided to lay on the couch, to rest his head against Jaehyun’s lap. He had his eyes closed for such a long time, that Jaehyun figured he had finally fallen asleep.
But then, even with his eyes still closed, Younghoon started mumbling, his voice heavy with sleep and slurred by the alcohol. “Thank you, Jae. You always take good care of me.”
“You should learn to take care of yourself instead.” Jaehyun rebutted, but he let his hand fall and caress and brush the soft blond hair with his finger tips.
“You always complain, but you’re always here for me.” The smile on his lips didn’t have the right to be as fond as it looked.
Jaehyun scoffed, shaking his head at him. “Yeah, yeah. I guess I’m stuck with you.”
“Always and forever, huh.”
Those words almost made Jaehyun’s heart stop. He had heard them before from Younghoon himself. Only, in a distant future that wouldn’t come to pass.
Still with his eyes closed, Younghoon was unaware of Jaehyun’s turmoil. Or maybe he didn’t care and was set on provoking him. “We should get married already.”
Those words were said with such sobering seriousness that Jaehyun was startled. Even if he knew Younghoon didn’t mean those words, even if he knew the other was drunk. Even if he knew he was just saying that as part of a joke.
“You shouldn’t speak so lightly of something you don’t mean.” Jaehyun’s voice was weak as he uttered the words.
In contrast, Younghoon didn’t waver as he affirmed: “Maybe I’m not joking.”
His eyes snapped open and he stared directly at Jaehyun’s eyes. As always, his face didn’t betray anything, but his eyes were swimming with emotion.
This time, it was Jaehyun who closed his own eyes. Because he couldn’t stand to look at the ones who looked at him with so much open affection. “Yes, yes you are.” He stubbornly argued back.
Younghoon sighed. “This once again, huh. I guess you’ll never take me seriously.” He sounded defeated and tired, but with a hint of frustration underneath his tone.
With a swift move, he pulled himself away from Jaehyun’s lap, sitting on the couch once more. Jaehyun started asking him what he meant, but he didn’t dare finish his question. He knew exactly what Younghoon meant.
A lifetime ago, they had been in a similar position in Younghoon’s old couch. Only that at the time, they shared kisses. Jaehyun wasn’t sure who was the one who initiated it, it felt more like they were drawn to each other by an unrelenting force. And then their lips crashed together, a bit painfully, their teeth clinking against each other.
But at the time, a bit tipsy by the alcohol they had consumed and way too drunk with the feeling of finally being independent and away from home, as university students, it felt right to kiss. It felt right when Younghoon gasped and opened his lips, allowing Jaehyung to explore his mouth. And it felt even more correct when Jaehyun threw his head back when Younghoon kissed his neck.
That night, Jaehyun distinctly remembered, even if he had shoved down that memory to the most distant and obscure parts of his subconscious mind, that Younghoon had said: “ I’ve always wanted that. I could do this forever. ”
However, when the alcohol had subsided, anxiety came creeping and Jaehyun questioned everything they had done. They had been friends for so long to the point he couldn’t imagine not being friends with Younghoon, so it felt terrifying that one moment could put in jeopardy all those years they had of genuine care and companionship for one another.
No matter that he had to break his own heart when he told Younghoon it had all been a mistake, that they were drunk and didn’t know what they were doing, that they were better off as friends. It hurt him even more to see Younghoon’s betrayed expression, the way his eyes misted over and filled with tears.
Jaehyun shaked his head, trying to ignore the feelings and memories he refused to acknowledge. He asked Younghoon, almost angrily: “Why are you bringing something like that up again? I thought we decided-”
“No, we didn’t decide anything. You decided.” Younghoon gave him a hard stare for a moment.
No matter how much he wanted to argue, Jaehyun knew that he was right. It had been Jaehyun who told him all those years ago that they were better off as friends, that they couldn’t ruin their friendship with a kiss that didn’t even mean anything, since they were drunk.
Younghoon didn’t really have much of a say in the matter. As Jaehyun pretended everything was how it had always been and refused to acknowledge what had happened, Younghoon had been forced to pretend that nothing had happened either.
After putting his shoes on without bothering to tie them, Younghoon declared: “I’ll call an Uber. I can see myself out.”
The door closed behind him and Jaehyun was left with only his thoughts.
The days passed, and Jaehyun suspected his friends had sensed something was up with them. It didn’t take Haknyeon and Jacob much longer to put two and two together and figure out there was something going on with Jaehyun and Younghoon, if the hints the two of them dropped were an indicator. Juyeon had been less subtle, almost confrontational. As confrontational as he could be at least, Juyeon was always way kinder than Jaehyun deserved.
And he didn’t feel like he deserved any kindness. If anything, he kinda deserved a punch in the face for being so stupid and hurting so much the person he claimed was his dearest friend. Now he knew the fact that he hung on to the “friend” label so much was just yet another mechanism of his brain to try and spin this whole mess in a way to spare his own feelings over the shitty choices he had made.
Maybe even the visions his brain would conjure up of allegedly futures was yet another delusion of his. Maybe it was his heart overflowing with the wishes and wants he so desperately tried to hide from everyone, but specially from himself.
He would believe that, if not for the fact that the visions had not stopped. Jaehyun would still get them once in a while. One day, he even broke his previous record and saw four premonitions in a single day. Always related to his loved ones’ happiness. But whenever he was transported to that possible future, he noticed two things.
The first one was that he always had an emptiness to his chest and a sense of foreboding, as if everything was very wrong. And the second one was that Younghoon, who had been either a protagonist or a side character of almost all his foresights, was missing from them. He wouldn’t hear his voice in the background or see him standing next to him.
Maybe that explained the cold way his chest felt in the future.
One day, the vision he had was hazier than normal. But Chanhee was there, showing the magazine issues he had authored articles in, as well as his beautiful photos of distant lands and beautiful scenery. His hair was bright blue and he wore large glasses that framed his delicate face, while he patiently explained to Eric about his most recent trip to Morocco.
Previously, he remembered the feeling that made his chest swell with pride when he saw Chanhee at that photography exhibition, but now, even in a happy future vision, he couldn’t really feel much.
He had always prided himself in being a good hyung and a good friend, in taking care of others. But in the end he had just been a hypocrite, since he had hurt people who meant a lot to him. And now he couldn’t even find it in himself to be happy for them. “Maybe you should take care of yourself too. What do you want?” He had no idea who asked that question, but then he was back in his bedroom, with the familiar vision of his ceiling to greet him.
Whoever had asked the question, he knew the answer he had for them. What he wanted was to finally be honest to himself and to others. And, most of all, he wanted to fix his past mistakes in order to enjoy a future worth living, surrounded by the people he wanted around him.
With this mindset, not even a half hour later, he found himself ringing Younghoon’s doorbell. Jaehyun looked down and noticed he was still wearing sweatpants and mismatched socks, but figured this talk was way too important and that Younghoon had seen him dressed in worse garments. If Younghoon would be willing to see him at all, that is.
Luckily, Younghoon opened the door. His expression surprised, yet guarded. “Jaehyun.”
Hearing him call his name felt as if he had just returned home after a long voyage across treacherous land. It felt as if he could finally feel his lungs filling up with air after only taking very short breaths.
“I really need to talk to you. Would you be willing to listen to me? Just once more.” He asked, but he was ready to implore and beg if he had to.
Younghoon was either too magnanimous to humiliate him or way too tired of his bullshit and wanted to get this done with, so soon enough they were seated on the same couch where everything started.
“This will be a rather long story and it’ll sound crazy. But please listen to me until the end.” Jaehyun looked nervously to Younghoon, who had his arms crossed in front of his chest and studied him attentively.
And then he started talking. About everything. From the very beginning, about his own cowardice in admitting what he felt, how he feared to lose Younghoon if he dared to be more than friends. Before the apologies started pouring out of him, he moved on to explain about how he suddenly found himself capable of seeing glimpses in the future. About the future he saw him sharing with Younghoon and how terrified he felt of it, about how he told Juyeon about it, and his most recent visions, of a future that was happy for everyone else.
“But the point is, I don’t want a future that doesn’t have you on it. I don’t want a future where I don’t know if you’re happy.” He dared to take one of Younghoon’s hands into his. “I know I hurt you too much, but I want a future where we can be both happy together. Where I can be happy with you and you with me.”
Younghoon pulled his hand back, hiding his face in both his hands, and then curled into himself atop the couch. His whole frame shaked as sobs erupted from him. Jaehyun wanted to pull him closer, to comfort him, but he wouldn’t dare. He didn’t know if Younghoon would allow him to.
In his heart, he half feared Younghoon was about to yell at him for being crazy, for coming to his place and spouting a bunch of nonsense. For daring to risk hurting him even further.
“I can’t believe you-” Younghoon started, interrupted by a loud sniff. “You told Juyeon before you told me. I thought I had best friend privileges.”
Jaehyun scoffed and rolled his eyes, before he broke into a smile. Younghoon peeked from behind his fingers and laughed too, pulling him into a hug.
“We can find a way to make it work, I just know it.” Younghoon said.
“How do you know that?”
“I just do.”
He first looked up at the bright blue sky above him. Then, Jaehyun dared to peek at the people right in front and spotted Juyeon and Jacob standing next to each other in matching suits. They both smiled, as they stood there next to a large floral arrangement.
Almost immediately as well, he noticed Chanhee’s bright blue hair as he moved around with a camera in his hands, snapping pictures from all the guests. Eric was basically bouncing on his seat, as Sangyeon quietly told him to stop, even if he himself was also exploding with energy.
“Hey, stop snooping around. We promised we would go together.” Younghoon nudged his arm with an elbow.
Jaehyun flashed him a bright smile. “Sorry, it’s my wedding, you know. I can barely contain myself.”
“Oh, your groom-to-be must be the most amazing and beautiful person you ever set your eyes on.” An exaggerated wink punctuated his sentence.
“He’s also very humble.” Enlacing Younghoon’s arm with his own, he started walking towards the altar. He added in a whisper: “Unfortunately he has shitty taste in men. So he’s stuck with me.”
Younghoon had to bite his lip to contain his laugh, since now they were in view of all his guests. Instead, he pulled Jaehyun closer to him. “I’m pretty sure he’s happy to be with you always and forever.”
In his chest, Jaehyun knew he had never been so happy in his life as he was at that moment. To that point, it had been a long journey, but at the same time, it felt just inevitable.