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If you asked Nick, he would have said things were finally turning around. Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but Charlie was recovering and that was good. It was progress. Right?
Nick was sure Charlie was improving, he wasn’t fixed, but Charlie was getting better. He could have sworn it was okay, that Charlie was okay. He was laughing, smiling, overall he seemed better. He seemed genuinely happy.
One night a while back, Nick was aimlessly scrolling on his phone when Charlie’s notification popped up. Nick tapped it and responded to his text like normal, it was the usual. It was fine. Except for the fact that it was 2AM and Charlie said he was going to bed hours ago.
Nick tried to rationalise it. Maybe he just had a nightmare or was just restless in general? Nick had no reason to suspect something was wrong. Sure his gut told him something wasn’t right, but that was just paranoia speaking. He had every right to be paranoid. If he only knew then.
All the ‘your gut feeling is always right’ stuff always seemed like complete bullshit. Anytime Nick trusted his gut, it was a false alarm. He wished that this time it was a false alarm.
Charlie had always texted Nick when he could, and if that availability was at 2AM, who was Nick to judge?
Nick struggled to remember what happened exactly, or how he ended up passing out with his phone slipping out of his grip. All he saw before passing out was some sweet I love you’s to each other.
He remembered waking up to his shoulder being jostled and his mother saying his name through broken sobs. As soon as he registered the sobbing he woke up.
Something had to be wrong .
His mind kept on screaming ‘ Charlie!’ as if it wasn’t too late.
“Nicky…sweetie, have you-“ Sarah broke into sobs, unable to finish what she wanted to say. Nick’s brows furrowed, lines of concern being etched into his forehead.
“Mum, what's wrong?” Nick asked, urgency laced in his tone.
“It’s Charlie.”
And there it was.
Nick felt his heart sink. A floodgate of thoughts rushed through his brain.
He tried to keep his composure, but the more his mum spoke, the harder it was to remain stone-faced.
“Charlie- last night, he-“
Nick knew it was coming, he felt the tension in the air. But as the words were spoken, he felt as though he had been stabbed right in the heart.
“Charlie passed away, Nick”
Nick opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He had no words. Nothing he could have possibly said at that moment could have expressed his shock. But as if he was on autopilot, he asked a simple question.
“ How”
Sarah’s eyes welled up again, and that is what cemented the idea in Nick’s head that this was no medical mystery.
Charlie had killed himself.
A tear rushed down his face, then one tear turned into two, and then two turned into a whole river’s worth. His mother wrapped him up in her warm embrace as he cried uncontrollably into her shoulder.
There was an overwhelming part of Nick that felt as though this was his fault.
That if he didn’t fall asleep last night, and if he maybe stayed up a little bit later, Charlie wouldn’t be dead.
The more he fought his tears, the more he cried. His mum was rubbing his back gently as a way to soothe him, but if he was being completely honest, it wasn’t helping at all.
And after what seemed like forever, Sarah spoke.
“Nick, would you like me to make you a cup of tea?”
Nick lifted his head up and looked in his mum’s eyes, he could see her sympathetic look and the dampness on her cheeks.
He doubts that he’d be looking any better.
Nick gave a curt nod, knowing that if he spoke, he’d be a spluttering mess of tears and sadness.
As his mum walked downstairs, Nick picked up his phone and turned it on, checking his past notifications.
There was 1 notification from Charlie that was sent at 3:42AM the past night.
He decided to open the message, which he was greeted with a long paragraph. In their messages, he scrolled to where they left off the night prior, before reading the final paragraph.
charlie :)
2:38AM
niiiick
are you gonna go to skeep on me?
sleep*
2:40AM
Perhaps
2:40AM
:0
rude!
2:42AM
Charlie I love you
But if I don’t sleep right now then I’m literally gonna pass out
2:42AM
oh! jeez nick go sleep like, rn!!!
ily u rugby lad! <3 sleep well xx
2:43AM
CHARLES FRANCIS SPRING
How DARE you call me a rugby lad!
I’d take this to twitter but I love you too much so I guess I won’t start drama 🥱
anyways I’m gonna sleep!
I love you Char ❤️❤️❤️
2:45AM
love you more <3
3:42AM
nick i’m so sorry. like beyond sorry for this. you don’t deserve this but i keep hurting you and you stick around and god i hate that you do. i hate that you love me, because if you hated me, then this wouldn’t hurt. i just can’t keep hurting you and everyone around me. i’m like a fucking parasite and i know you’d tell me off for thinking that but everyone knows its true. my mum gets pissed whenever i relapse, and everyone around me treats me differently even though i’m getting help now. it’s just too much. it’s like they preferred it when they didn’t know about all my issues like my eating disorder or my self harm. please don’t get caught up reminiscing about me, please move on. you were the best thing to ever happen to me, which is why i refuse to put you or anyone else through my bullshit. you won’t understand it, but thats okay. i’m sorry nick. i loved you more than you ever knew. <3
He turned his phone off, and as the tears fell from his eyes once more, he heard his mother call out from down stairs.
”Nicholas! The tea is ready”