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Nick was hurting.
The pain and agony from that horrible day was smacking him in the face again.
It was bound to happen, of course Charlie’s family would have a funeral service.
Of course Nick would be invited.
However, Nick did not expect to be told that he was going to speak at the funeral. He had to speak at a funeral in front of friends and foes of Charlie Spring while holding back his tears.
Clearly, Nick was going to hate today.
Funerals are such an out of body experience to him, he hasn’t been to many, however the ones that he has attended, they’ve left a hole deep inside of him.
Funerals are fucking terrifying.
That is Nick’s conclusion.
The fact that so many people are gathered to celebrate the life of someone who’s rotting corpse is about to be buried six-feet under and is never going to be seen again is a freaky thing.
The fact it’s the conclusion to the story, the true end of Charlie Spring.
The whole ordeal just made Nick sad and numb.
Of course everyone was offering Nick help, telling him that they’ll always be there for him. However, Nick can say with full honesty that it does nothing to comfort him. No spew of pity will bring back Charlie.
Nothing will bring back Charlie.
He knows that soon his memories of Charlie will become more foggy, that he’ll be unable to remember his face without pictures, or the sound of his voice, or his laugh, or the feeling of him resting his head on Nick’s shoulder.
Nick had arrived that day with his mental state going through a rollercoaster. Every thought was everywhere, and he wasn’t quite sure that he should be laughing or crying over the fact that Charlie Spring was not here to support him.
Dead people can’t exactly help loved ones through their own funeral.
Nick just feels bad.
He feels like utter shit.
Perhaps it’s a weird survivor's guilt thing, like he feels guilty that Charlie was the one who killed himself. Like he should be dead instead. Being dead would be easier. Being dead would mean he wouldn’t have to speak to people about how great Charlie was when all he wants is to talk about how great he is . Alas, dead people aren’t referred to in present tense.
Nick is sitting by his mum, choking back tears, before he got his cue to go up and speak. Nick stands up, shaking like mad. He walks up on weak feet, taking his place. He looks down at the paper he printed out for today, looks up at everyone, before deciding that this is too hard.
He can’t help but freeze up, like a deer in headlights. He feels the strong gaze of Charlie’s mother’s eyes shooting daggers at the back of him. He feels his throat closing in bit by bit, and he is only slightly aware of the mass of tears dripping down his face.
He shouldn’t even be up here.
Damnit, Charlie had so much more fight left.
He had so much more for this world.
Nick is angry, hurt, scared, and every other negative emotion you could think of.
He holds all of it back, collects himself. If this was his last moment to speak about the wonderful impact of Charlie Spring to people he didn’t know, then he wasn’t going to let Charlie down. He wipes his tears and clears his throat, adjusting the microphone on the stand and opens his mouth to speak.
“Charles Francis Spring, who most of you may know as Charlie, was someone very special to me.
I don’t think I could ever even remember a dull moment happening whenever Charlie was around, he was just that wonderful. Even the bad times were okay because it was Charlie and things always got better.
He was selfless and kind- Charlie knew nothing but to give respect and love to others, while not taking disrespect from people.
He was gone too soon, he made my life so much brighter. He didn’t even have to do anything, he was just there”
All the eyes that were focusing on Nick made him pause, ‘ You can do this Nicholas Nelson’, those are the words running through his head as he intakes a deep breath before finishing what he’s written.
“Nobody could truly do things like Charlie could. Nobody could replace him or recreate his image because not a single known member of man-kind was truly as amazing as him.
I just wish he was here to see how many lives he’s actually impacted”
And with that, Nick curtly nodded, walking over and sitting next to his mum. She whispers in his ear ‘Are you okay’ and that was all it took for the tears to rush down.
The burial was even worse. Watching a casket go down into the ground knowing Charlie’s dead body was in there was so fucked up. He hates today. He hates the day Charlie killed himself. He hates that he didn’t stay awake when Charlie needed him.
And as he places a rose on Charlie’s casket before it is lowered, he decides what he hates the most.
He hates death, because it is the one part of life, that no matter who you may be, you will never escape it.
He hugs his mum, confides in her, but thinks about how one day, he will not have this either.
Everything dies.
Nellie will die, his mum will die, his friends will, Charlie already did, Nick himself, will die.
Every single thing that is put into this world is taken right back out of it.
As the casket is lowered into it’s new home, Nick can’t help but wonder why life was so unfair.