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“Will, what are you doing? You’re seriously not gonna join him, are you?” Mike yells. They made it back to Hawkins where Vecna was. Will, of course, was targeted almost immediately. Vecna had grown stronger, and opened up a gate right inside the Creel House, where Mike and Will found themselves in front of. Everyone else had gotten separated, leaving only the two of them left together.
Vecna entered his mind, but didn’t torment him like he did with his other victims. No, no. Vecna was… diplomatic. He had offered a solution to all of Will’s problems. He understood him. What it was like to be different. What it was like to be invisible. His suffering would end if Will only joined him. And, to be honest, Will felt himself persuaded. He turns to Mike, Michael Wheeler, and looks him up and down. Joining Vecna sounds like an impossibility to Mike, but to Will? Mike was looking at him incredulously, like he was an idiot for even thinking about it. It’s funny, but it’s sad. It’s so, so very sad.
Will stands there for a moment, shifting his feet. His shoulders begin to shake as a laugh bubbles from his throat. It scratches up his throat before coming out as a humorless bark.
“You know… I’m beginning to think I don’t deserve to be happy.”
Mike looks stunned. “Will, what the hell are you saying? Of course you deserve happiness..! Step away from the gate, Vecna probably got a hold of your mind or something, you’re not thinking straight..!”
“My God, how clueless can you be, Mike? This is me. All me. Seriously, what the hell happened to you? What happened to the Mike I knew that was always there for his friends? That would do anything for them? That actually, you know, gave them the time of day?”
“What? I pay attention to you!” He argues back.
“Suuure. You pay attention to me only when it’s “ruining” your date with El. What was I supposed to do? I haven’t seen my best friend in a year and get treated like a third wheel? Of course I’m gonna be miserable!” Will takes one step closer to the gate.
“You’re still hung up on Rink-O-Mania? I thought we made up after that? I said we’re a team, and I meant it. I really did. We’re friends. Best friends. Now step away, you’re being ridiculous.”
“No, that’s not all of it. That doesn’t even scratch the surface… I’ve been feeling awful before that too. You know the summer before El and I left for California. Just one campaign was all I wanted. And what did you do? You talked about El this, and El that. You continued to blow me off! Sure, you weren’t ‘a kid anymore’ and I guess I needed to make peace with that. Then, what happened as soon as I left for California? You join the Hellfire Club. I thought DND was some stupid game? Is it stupid when only I want to play it?”
Mike gives Will a dumb look. “No! Of course not! Listen, I’m sorry I wasn't a good friend, but isn’t this an overreaction? Are you going in the gate because I didn’t play DND with you?”
“It’s- God,” Will is at a loss for words. He stammers in disbelief. How the hell does Mike not get it? “I- just- Wow . Use your brain , Michael, for one second, please. It wasn’t just about DND.”
Mike furrows his brows, “Then tell me what’s wrong.”
Will puts his hands over his eyes. The urge to claw them out is strong. He wants to bang his head against the wall until he’s concussed. Or bang Mike’s head against the wall. But, he could never do that because there’s still a stupid part of him that still cares. Will wants to tear that part out of him. He wants to hate Mike with all of his being, for making him feel like he was wanted. For making him foolishly believe that he cares about him. All those hours at Will’s bedside when he was recovering from the Upside Down. All those sleepovers between the two of them where they would snicker and tell funny stories under the covers until they could hear the birds wake up. Will spending hours and hours on drawing the Party’s DND characters, and Mike admiring each and every one, taping them up on his basement’s walls for all to admire. All the nightmares he got after the Upside Down, and Mike would always be one walkie talkie away from calming him down. The same walkie talkie is collecting dust in his room. Even in California, Will couldn’t bother throwing it away. Even when Mike would never answer anymore, Will would still whisper all his sorrows and fears into it, vainly hoping that maybe Mike’s static-y voice would come through like it used to. It never did.
No, Will Byers is an idiot. The biggest idiot of them all. It was never Mike and Will. It was Mike and Will. Now, it was Mike and El. The cutest couple of them all. The pair that makes the entire Party gag because they’re so sappy and cute together. He loves his sister, he really does, but he’s also so, so jealous of her.
Will reminisces back to the Snow Ball, when he still felt like hadn’t lost Mike. As El steps through the gymnasium doors, Mike looked at her like she hung the moon. Will could live with that then. After all, this was the Mike that stayed with Will when he was possessed by the Mind Flayer. This was the Mike that calmed him down from his panic attacks after getting that “View-Master feeling”. This was the Mike that held his hand when he felt like the world was gonna end. This was the Mike that hadn’t yet broken the promise of them going “crazy together”.
As Mike and El slowly danced in the gym. Will couldn’t help but stare. As El’s arms snaked over Mike’s neck and Mike’s hands held a steady hold on her waist, there was a part of Will that wanted to be El in that moment. Those dark brown eyes staring at him in adoration. Mike drawing him closer, holding him so delicately, sharing each other’s body heat. And then, Will would lean up on his toes, face inching closer to Mike’s, giving the other a quick peck on the lips. Was Will in the wrong for that? After everything Mike had done for him, who wouldn’t want to be El? Who wouldn’t want to be loved by the boy he knew since kindergarten?
But, that Mike was gone. Screw Will, right? Screw him for wanting to hang on to the past like a dying flame. Screw him for trying to let the ashes smolder a bit more. Will should have realized he was holding cold ash when Mike fought with him that day in the rain. ‘ It’s not Mike’s fault that Will doesn’t like girls!’ Wow, Mike, what a cruel joke. If Will knew Mike wasn’t so dense, he’d actually believe he knew Will liked him. No, Michael Wheeler could never like him. Not when he couldn’t even notice Will crying two feet away from him in the backseat of the van. Not when he instantly believed that Will’s painting was from El. That one hurt. All those hours spent scrutinizing every stroke. All the prototypes and sketches to make sure the painting was just right. El didn’t even know what the painting looked like.
But, if Michael Wheeler was so dense, why did he treat him so differently at the airport? Why did he only give Will that awkward side hug? Why did he barely call him while El got mountains of letters? Will could only guess Mike found out about him. It’s not like Will was being subtle. Hell, he practically worshiped Mike. His mom and Jonathan probably put the pieces together with how much he talked about him. But Mike? Will came to a shocking conclusion. Maybe Michael Wheeler was just an asshole. Maybe Michael Wheeler is simply too girlfriend-obsessed that he threw Will to the side like a piece of garbage. Maybe there’s a record player in Mike’s head that continually plays “ El, El, El, El, El” on repeat. Will wouldn’t be surprised. But, God, it hurt. Will only wants Mike back. His Mike.
God, he felt like crying. No, he was crying. His body was shaking so bad he thought he was having another Mind Flayer-induced seizure. He was sad. Sad doesn’t even describe it. He was heartbroken. Devastated. Why did he always have to get the short end of the stick? Why does he have to put up with everything and get nothing in return? If God does exist, Will was certain he was created to see how much emotional turmoil man can go through. Well, congratulations, God, you have found humanity’s limits. He was gritting his teeth so hard that he’s certain they were going to crack. He wants to scream until his throat is bleeding and raw. He wants to stomp at the ground and punch it until all of his fingers are bruised and broken. He wants to scratch at his insides, for any trace of happiness he has left. It’s no use, Will already scraped them out enough. There’s nothing but scar tissue left. Still, the pain would be more bearable than this. His nails dig into his eyes until he sees sparks. He doesn’t notice Mike approaching and putting a hand on his shoulder.
“Will…” he starts, “Please, tell me what’s wrong. Please. You don’t have to go. ”
Will removes his hands from his eyes. He can feel the indentations he made on his skin. In front of him, Mike is looking at him with those eyes. They are filled with so much concern and confusion . They almost look teary-eyed. Those were his Mike’s eyes. The eyes of his best friend. His best friend that means the world to him. It makes Will furious. He flinches from Mike’s touch. It burns.
“Six. Days.” Is all he can manage to whisper out.
“Will, what are you saying-”
‘Six. Fucking. Days. Michael.” Will grits out, the tears feel hot against his face, “That’s how long I was in the Upside Down. No food, no water, and running for my goddamn life. I almost died there. Then, I’m saved, but start puking up goddamn slugs. Every time I closed my eyes, I was sent back there. I had nightmares every night . But you knew that already. Remember when you used to calm me down from them?”
“Yes, but-” Mike stammers.
“ I’m not done,” Will spits out, “You will listen to every word I have to say. After my year of nightmares, I get possessed by the Mind Flayer. I felt him everywhere. Do you know how violating that felt? To have your entire being be at the mercy of some eldritch monstrosity? To have it know whatever you’re thinking? To make you kill all those soldiers? To be practically cooked alive to have it stop inhabiting you. Look, I still have the scar from when Nancy stabbed me with that fire poker,” Will lifts his shirt to show the dark mark on his side.
“But, you already knew that. You saw me shrieking in pain, almost dying, afterall. But! That’s not it. The nightmares didn’t stop. They actually got worse. Every time I felt a chill, I’d instantly be brought back to when I was possessed. I couldn’t enjoy Halloween anymore, and that was my favorite holiday. You picked up for the first few nightmares, but then you got worse and worse with calling me back. Too busy hanging out with El. I understood then. She was your superhero. You spent all this time apart and finally got back together. You know, I was happy for you then. I really was, but that’s when I felt us drift apart. It was El, El, El with you.”
Mike opens his mouth to speak again, but Will holds up a hand to silence him. Mike looks close to tears, but Will was saying all of this while half-sobbing. Damn Mike for still making him feel guilty.
“I’m… not done yet, Mike. I’m sorry if I wanted to hold onto the past for as long as I could, but how could I move forward when all of that happened to me? My childhood was taken from me. I wanted so desperately to have things go back to how they were. Can you blame me? It was good for a bit after my dad left, you know. He used to beat the shit out of me and Jonathan. He called me every vile thing under the sun. He made me feel worthless. He made me feel like I couldn’t fight back on my own. But, you already knew that. After all, why else did you think I was so nervous going home after sleepovers? So, I had a bit of partial happiness after he left. I was still bullied at school, mind you, but you already knew that. You were there with me getting called all those names. Still, I could breathe at home and had some of the best memories with you, Dustin, and Lucas. Do you know how long this partial happiness lasted, Mike?”
Mike averts his gaze. He started crying a few minutes ago. They were silent tears. He looks like a kicked puppy. Stop that, Mike. Will’s feeling like he’s the asshole for making you cry. Please, stop.
“Your dad left in ‘82 and you got taken in ‘83,” Mike says. His voice sounds quakey and a little congested.
“Yeah. I only got a break for a year before I was put back in the wringer. I was still having my backpack thrown into garbage cans and having slurs written on my locker, but you know, it was still the best year of my life, it really was. That’s sad, ain’t it, Mike? But the worst part is, you knew everything that happened to me and just pushed me to the side . I had to hold everything in because you were the person I always turned to, and then I was being pushed to the background! Then, next thing you know, I’m being driven to California and barely get any calls. It wasn’t just you that drifted. Everyone felt so far away. Dustin and Lucas were a bit better about calling me, but still didn’t call as much as I would have liked. Jonathan was busy getting high all the time. My mom was fine, but now she’s in “Alaska” doing God knows what with Murray. How am I supposed to move on when everything in my life is moving further and further away? How can I cope when it seems like no one around me gives a shit anymore? I just... “ Will pauses.
“Sometimes I wish I died in the Upside Down if I knew my life was going to turn out this way.”
That makes him lose his fragmented composure. He inhales a shaky breath and gasps out an equally stilted one, borderline hyperventilating. He has to turn away from Mike and rub his wet eyes raw with his shirt sleeves. He can’t do this anymore. He can’t. He can’t be strong anymore.
Mike stumbles over his words. Will can hear him sniff and see him wipe his tears with the collar of his shirt. “What? Will, no, no. You don’t mean that. You don’t want to die. You can’t die. I’m a fucking idiot who couldn’t even realize that his best friend was hurting this much. I know you hate me. Hell, I’d hate me, too. I do hate myself for treating you like shit, I was just too stupid to realize. Let’s get out of here, okay?”
Will shakes his head. “I don’t hate you, Mike.”
“What?” Mike says confused, “But with the way you were describing everything, I thought you’d have no choice but to hate me.”
“I hate the things you did,” Will clarifies, “But there’s a stupid part of me that could never hate you. No matter what you did, I still wanted to be right by your side. I wanted to spend every minute with you. Because, well… I like you, so much. To get it through your skull, I love you. I remember you saying that it’s ‘wasn’t your fault that I didn’t like girls.’ Well,” Will laughs, “It was very much your fault. That’s why I put up with you. Because no matter what happened between us, I still remembered the little kid that came up to me at the swingset.”
“Oh.” Is all Mike can say. Will doesn’t blame him. He only bared his soul to Mike, after all.
“I, just, can’t do this anymore. You love El and El loves you. It’s stupid that’d I’d ever think I’d have a chance with you. You may be oblivious, but I’m the biggest fool of them all, huh?”
Will laughs bitterly and turns toward the gate, taking a few steps forward. His regrets are few and far in between. It’s cruel, but Will deserves to be a bit cruel. He deserves to have a bit of revenge. He deserves to be a bit selfish and mean and crude because that’s how the world treated him. He feels the cold from the gate drawing him in. It’s familiar. It’s almost welcoming.
He hears Mike rush toward him, interlocking his arm with Will’s in an attempt to drag him away from the gate.
“Will! Stop! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Mike yells. He struggles in vain. Will can’t look him in the eyes. He feels guilty, but he already made up his mind. He’s been through this scenario before and knows the outcome. It seems that Will has to go through hell and back to get Mike to notice him anymore. Will can’t put up with that. He can’t keep going through so much pain for people to care. He can only get broken down so many times and get back up. Even if you uncrumple a paper ball, you can’t unsmooth the dents and wrinkles. You can’t get rid of the pressure the paper had to go through to crumple into shape. It remains. Except this time, it’s more and more prone to tears and fraying. It’s more inclined to crumple back into its shape.
It will hurt, but this is a necessary step. He thinks of his brother, Jonathan, who was there for him for the most part. He’s glad Jonathan could find a friend in Argyle all the way out in California. He doesn’t appreciate how careless Jonathan has gotten, particularly with his weed usage, but everyone copes differently. He feels bad that Jonathan’s little brother is gonna disappear yet again, and this time for good, but Will always felt like an anchor weighing him down. Will pretended to ignore the acceptance letter to Lenora Community College on the kitchen table. Jonathan needs to realize that it is okay to do what he wants to do, and not worry about his little brother.
He thinks of the Party: Dustin, Lucas, and Max. They were really great friends, and Will appreciates all the phone calls and letters he got from them. Even Max, who he wasn’t the closest with sent him a letter explaining all the must-do’s in California. They care about him, Will knows they do, but he knows they’ll adjust just fine in his absence. Hey, they already got their training with him gone in California. They found their own cliques in places in Hawkins, something Will could never do in California.
He thinks of everyone he wasn’t the closest with: Nancy, Steve, Robin, Erica, and Hopper. He wishes he got to know each of them a little better. Especially Hopper. First his mother lost him, and now she’ll lose her son.
His mother. Joyce Byers. He feels the most guilty leaving her. She made the whole town think she was crazy but never gave up on him. Will knows his mom loves him. She loves him so, so much. But, Will has put her through enough. Besides him, his mother is the one who needs the biggest break. He’s certain he’s given his mother half a million heart attacks. All the times he woke up screaming and his mom rushing to his room to calm him down. The times where he’s just itching his neck but his mom thinks he’s experiencing another vision. The few times he forget to call that he was staying at Mike’s house which caused her to rush over to make sure he was okay. She’s gone through too much. Will’s put her through too much. So, it was best to let one more big heartbreak happen so his mother could go on the road to recovery. It’s okay, Mom. You still have Jonathan and El.
El. Will could never hate El. She’s his sister, so of course they got into the typical sibling quarrels like usually all the the syrup or hogging the phone, but Will can say with one hundred percent certainty that he Ioves El. The move was hard for both of them. They bonded over Will teaching El how to draw and paint. Simple things, of course, like flowers and landscapes. She’s gotten really good. Will’s proud of how far she’s come. Sure, she still needs help on homework, but Will is more than willing to help her. They’re brother and sister, after all. Still, he can’t help but be jealous of her. Of her and Mike.
Mike. Michael Wheeler. Will has already said everything he needed to say about Mike. All he wishes is that Mike doesn’t dwell on Will leaving him for too long. Mike already made him feel enough emotions. He’s guilty enough.
In another life, Will sees himself, age fifteen, sitting in Mike’s basement. The Upside Down doesn’t exist. All that trauma and heartbreak doesn’t exist. Instead, it’s just the two of them, on Mike’s couch, watching horror movie upon horror movie. Mike, as always, was a bit squeamish at the blood while Will jolted at all the jumpscares. Just the two of them, wasting the time away in their mundane Indiana town. The worst possible event being that Eleanor Gilliespie was attacked by an owl. It’s boring. It’s plain. But, it’s still never going to happen.
Using his entire body, Will pushes Mike off of him. Mike loses his footing and falls backwards, catching himself awkwardly with his hands on the wooden floor. He shakes one of his hands in pain, full of splinters. Mike bites his lip. It’s quivering. He looks like a little kid.
“Will…” Mike chokes out, “I care about you, so much.”
Will gives a sad smile, “But you only show it when I’m in danger. I’m sorry, too, but you had your chance. You had many chances to show me you cared. I tried. I really did try to make you happy. But, it’s too late to show me now. I need to be selfish. I need to put myself first. I know we said we’d go crazy together, but that ship sailed long, long ago. So, I’m sorry. Tell everyone else I’m sorry too, okay?”
Will jumps through the gate, the opening already threading itself up as soon as he crosses the threshold, leaving Mike behind just to watch.