Chapter Text
BELLY
I stand in front of Jeremiah's door and I look at the ceiling.
One minute.
Three minutes.
Five...
My eyes are still puffy because of the tears, and my breath is shallow and I can barely breathe. It's midnight, and almost everyone is asleep. At least I hope so.
I don't know how anybody could fall asleep easily after tonight. Especially Jere, Steven and I...We were the only ones that didn't know. We had no idea and I still can't forgive myself the fact that I was so focused on myself this summer that I didn't notice....I didn't notice that Susannah...I hate myself for not noticing. How could I be so stupid?
It's taken a few hours for the sadness to subside, but I still can't sleep. And I can still hear Jeremiah crying in his room. The walls are thin, and if it wasn't for the wall separating our two bedrooms, our beds would be touching. I can hear every little gasp, every breath...I don't remember the last time I saw him this broken before.
This was Jeremiah. My best friend, my...I don't even know what we are now. But it doesn't matter, because Jeremiah - he always smiled. He laughed, he danced, he tried to find the positive in every situation. Jeremiah was always our shoulder to cry on. He would hold my hand whenever I hurt myself when I was little. He would make a joke whenever I was sad or mad at my mom. He would take me to the beach and we would swim for hours and hours, just the two of us, always having a blast because his goal was for everyone around him to always be happy.
And now...What I saw tonight was a boy so broken, so terrified...A Jeremiah who now wasn't a shoulder to cry on, but a boy who desperately needed a hug.
I don't know if he wants me to come. He watched me dance with Conrad tonight. Maybe he thought that because of it I suddenly stopped feeling what I did in the past week. Since that kiss. And then that other one. And then that one today...Maybe it was a stab in the back. Honestly- it was. He was there, just outside, crying because his mother is dying, and I - what was I doing? Trying to create a fairytale just because of someone who played with my feelings all summer long? Just because of one stupid dance? That dance doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Nothing but Susannah.
Okay, maybe that was too much. Conrad knew. He knew everything. I can't blame him for being a jerk. Of course I won't blame him for it.
But I know what I have to do.
I take a breath, and slowly open the door to Jere's bedroom. I enter, and I see him sprawled on the bed, looking at the ceiling. And then I see his face. He is still crying and I can't help myself, so once again a tear falls down my cheek as I look at him.
It takes him a moment, but his head turns in my direction. I just stand there.
"Hey, Bells." He whispers.
"I can't sleep." Another tear falls "And I could hear you crying. I wanted to make sure that...Well I don't know, no matter what I do you won't be okay, but I just wanted to check on you."
He smiles, but barely.
A moment passes.
Then another one.
"You remember how we used to cry together all the time?" He takes a breath "You would sleep over with me, and we would just...cry all night. I remember how I always felt better because I wasn't the only one upset, and we would be there to comfort eachother."
"Yeah I know."
He looks at me, his blue eyes making their way into my soul "I think I really need that right now, Bells." He whispers, his voice breaking.
"Yeah, I think so too."
"Come here." He motions toward himself, so I climb on his bed, just like when we were kids, and I hug him tight. There's something about the way he holds me. The desperation in his hug, the way he is clinging onto my body and crying harder into my shoulder.
So for a while I just hold him as well. And I cry with him. Sometimes, silence is what a person needs most.
JEREMIAH
I like that she is hugging me. It might feel s little stupid, but since I have found out about mom, all I wanted was for Belly to hold me.
My tears have subsided after about half an hour, and as of now all we can focus on is the lingering silence and our heavy breathing. It might be selfish, but I really don't want to let go of her. I want her to stay here.
"Talk to me." I murmur in her ear.
"Um, what about?"
'Anything," I whisper again, "I want to take my mind off of all of this. I don't think I'll be able to sleep anyway."
"Okay, well - Maybe I should apologize." She smiles shyly, and I lift my head a little bit in order to see her better.
"What for?"
"For thinking you bailed on me. Even if it was for like five minutes...I should have known something was wrong Jere. I was really mad there for a second and...I am really sorry for that." Her fingers linger through my hair, and I can't lie and say that I don't feel like a little child as she does that.
But not in a bad way. Because the one and only, beautiful, wonderful, perfect Isabel Conklin is the one whose fingers I can feel move around in circles, up and down through my curls. It's her touch, not mom's or anyone else's. Just hers.
"It's okay. I disappeared rather suddenly, I didn't even explain myself." I take a second to breathe, and a wave of jealousy kicks me in the stomach, "Anyway, Connie was there, right?" I smile through gritted teeth , it feels forced and has a bad taste in my mouth, "He...saved the day. Just like he always does." I murmur quietly under my breath.
Not to say I was surprised when I saw them dancing together. I even expected it. Of course he took the chance to step in - I would have taken it too if I was him, that's for sure. I won't lie about that.
But it doesn't change the fact that I had so much hope when it comes to Belly, and then in a single second it all got crushed. Just like it always was.
It felt like a wave hit me a minute before, and a whole tsunami started going after me the second I walked back into that ballroom.
It was always like that with her, wasn't it? Probably since I was 12 years old.
I look at her while she's on the other side of the room, but she never sees it. She never notices that I could stare for over 15 minutes, 20...Because her eyes are always searching for someone else.
Someone who is never me.
"Wow, Jere, jealousy makes you fume, huh? She cracks up then, laughing quietly, her gaze searching for mine. Our eyes connect, and I smile a little at the fact that she notices so easily. I'm not really mad that she noticed. If nothing, I wanted her to notice.
"Don't tell me there's no reason to be." I avert my gaze to the ceiling again, "At least I don't have to hide how I feel about you anymore." She smiles at the words for some reason, and I feel like fireworks are going inside me, just because of that stupid, unimportant, but perfect little grin.
"I guess…there is some reason to feel that way," I don't know if she is trying to make me feel better about it all, or trying to make me feel even worse, "-but Jere - I am here, aren't I?"
I smile at that.
"Yeah, I guess yeah…"
"Yeah. So stop feeling like shit about it. There's a much more important thing you should be feeling shitty about. And that's your mom."
A pang hits my chest once again.
Mom.
My mom.
It's funny how easily Belly can make me feel like nothing around me is is even happening. It feels like it's just us. Just her and I, and the world stops and I feel as if I am teleported somewhere else, somewhere where nobody exists except the two of us and the two of us only.
"It's easier to feel shitty about less important things…Makes me forget." And then I take a look at her again, resisting the urge to kiss her right there, "And even if they are less important, they still matter to me Bells. You matter to me."
I don't know if I am hallucinating, because it's pretty dark except that I have a little lamp going next to the bed - but I think she blushes as soon as I finish what I say. And she's so beautiful. So perfect. The red on her face makes her seem happier, even though I know she has been fighting tears since the moment she entered my room. But she doesn't show it for too long.
"Well, there was something I wanted to talk to you about all day long, and if you keep feeling awful about not so serious things, like a stupid little dance, I might just keep my mouth shut."
I look at her with a confused face, and she just keeps smiling.
"Belly…"
"What?"
"Speak." I smile so hard that my cheeks start hurting.
"Why should I?" She teases, trying to roll around to the other side, but I hold her around the waist. She squirms around for a bit and she laughs, before she realizes how close we are. Only now do I also realize how close we really are.
I can feel her breath. I can feel it on my skin, my cheek, even on my lips. And she's staring. And I am staring too, looking at her with such intensity, I forgot what I was trying to make her do in the first place.
It's in this moment that I realize how much it means to me to simply be close to her. To hold her, to laugh with her…It's really crazy what one Belly Conklin can do to me. She can make my brain turn upside down and make my heart beat to the point of explosion, make me smile in the most genuine way and make me laugh as if I am never truly happy unless I am with her.
Because happiness without Belly is just a glimpse of what happiness with her can feel like.
Even in one of the saddest moments of my life, she managed to make me feel better. I don't know how. Honestly I don't even care.
My eyes close instinctively when she kisses me.
A short kiss, another, and then she tilts her head, covering my mouth with hers completely. Her lips come over mine in a fever, hands moving to cup my face, to hold me close as if our kiss is a delicate, fleeting thing. It feels like an aching prayer; devotion pours from her. She sucks my bottom lip, my top, tilting my head for more, and I get so, so lost in those lips.
And she is smiling as she kisses me. I don't think I've ever felt happier that she is smiling, because feeling that beautiful grin, right there against my skin, makes me want to scream to the world how much I adore her.
Our lips part, and her eyes are still closed.
I watch her, and it seems as if she needs a second to come back to me. She opens her eyes, and blows out a big breath, and then blushes again. But this time I see it clearly. I reach for her cheek with my thumb, and I stroke it as delicately as I am able to.
"Was this that thing you wanted to talk to me about?"
She tries to shake her head a bit, but ends up laughing through it, "Kind of."
"Kind of?"
"It's…the point of it."
"The point?" I might be confused, but I don't let her know. I just tease her through.
"You and I. I've been wanting to touch that subject all day, but I was, um, a little nervous to approach it. And then everything else happened."
I don't know if it's hot in the room, or I am simply nervous. It's definitely one of the two.
After I saw her and Conrad dancing, I thought that was it. I lost. I had to go back to how it always was. Back to watching her love him.
And now…I don't think I know what's going on. Because Belly just kissed me. She kissed me. And she wants to talk about us. Because - there seems to be an 'us' after all.
"Yeah?"
"Mhhmm.."
"So…what does this mean, Jere?" She looks up at the ceiling now, "I just kissed you."
"You did."
"And you kissed me earlier today."
"If I remember correctly." I tell her with a teasing smile.
"And we've kissed like two times before all of that."
"We did."
"And I…What I want to ask is does this mean we're together? Because I am pretty sure kissing someone constantly means a relationship. At least it would make sense that that's a relationship, right? And I keep kissing you, and you keep telling me you like me and I feel the same and…I just can't stand the fact that I am just wondering what the hell we are doing, and not saying it out loud."
This throws me. And it makes my heart go even more crazy.
"You know I want to be with you Bells. I told you that like a week ago. Of course I want to." I pause, place my fingers between hers and hold her hand tightly, "I guess I just needed to know if you wanted the same as I do."
And then we look at eachother again. She squeezes my hand tighter.
"I want to. I really, really want to."
We take a little moment to collect ourselves, both realizing what just happened.
"Hello then, girlfriend." And then she does the unexpected, places my hand on her heart, just like days ago.
"Hi there, boyfriend."
This time, I'm the one who kisses her.
BELLY
He's sleeping next to me.
He looks so peaceful.
It took him a while to fall asleep because of Sussanah. It's 4 in the morning, and I am still awake.
Thinking.
It was different with Conrad. I have loved him since I was twelve years old, and not once has he made me feel the way Jeremiah did in the past few days.
Beautiful.
Maybe it's the way he looks at me, or kisses me…or the fact that he told me how he feels about me.
It's probably all of it.
The love isn't one sided this time. This time the one I am looking at feels it as strongly as I do. And he's showing it to me. Constantly. Whispering to me about everything that's mixing up in his heart.
Jeremiah was always my best friend. My mom told me that even when I was a baby, he liked me most. It might be the fact that we are almost the same age, but Sussanah also said that he was the only one who didn't cry after being with me for too long.
I spent so much of my time hoping for Conrad to like me back, that I completely ignored the love I was given daily, the love that was right in front of me.
Jeremiah Fisher likes me.
He has liked me for years, he told me.
And now, one Jeremiah Fisher is my boyfriend.
I can't help but fall asleep with a smile, that beautiful thought running through my mind, blocking all the negative going on in our lives.
For a moment, there's just the two of us.
Jeremiah and Belly.