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I wrap my fingers around my wrist, the tips finally touching -- with a little extra room, too. I celebrate the silent victory, and it just makes me want to starve more. It doesn't make me happy, starving myself, but it makes me feel something. The numbers slowly going down and down and down means I'm accomplishing something. And with every cut, every burn, every drop of alcohol, I know that this isn't something I can win. Not in the slightest. Not with help or anything. We just have to let it run its course, and then I'll be dead. Happily free from my life. And I can't be bothered to even try to keep myself alive.
My death would make people sad. Like Taehyung and Hobi and Namjoon and everyone else, but I don't really think that it would matter to them in a year or two. They'll forget me soon enough.
I wonder if I should leave a note for each of them, or just one note for them to figure out what paragraph's for who. Probably the latter; I don't want to write six notes explaining why I killed myself. But they do deserve to know...
It's a really short note. I'm so sorry. I love you. And that's all I'm leaving them with. When they find my body, they'll know why I did it. I don't matter to anyone. Not my family or friends or fans. There's quite literally nothing in my life that makes me want to stay alive. I'm replaceable. I don't matter.
"Jiminie, we're gonna go out to eat. Do you wanna come with?" Jungkook says, his smile as bright as the sun. "Everyone's going. We didn't wanna leave you out." I think over the offer for a moment, maybe a little bit longer than I should. I agree with tears in my eyes and Jungkook's smile only grows as I stand up from my bed. He wraps his arms around me, chatting away as we walk to the car. I smile when I see everyone.
I don't have a purpose or a reason to be alive. But I can't leave, no matter how bad I want to. Nights like this one, where the seven of us are sitting around a table with soju and wine and beer and food, are the reason to stay alive. If it's not for me, then for everyone else, for ARMY. When Namjoon asks me if I've eaten and Yoongi says he'd share a meal with me and they don't ask why I'm wearing a hoodie in the middle of June, push the blanket of darkness away, and I can find the breeze that will help me through the tunnel of gloom.