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Love is a funny thing.
Though I may not look the part; each second, billions of thoughts swirl about in my head-each with their own temptations, their own regrets, their own emotions. These thoughts mingle around relentlessly, though one almost always seems to stand out-in a good way, or a bad, I’m not certain yet.
I’ve wondered for some time now how someone so cold and uncaring can just as easily become someone full of love and lust. How his one exposed eye can change from a deathly, dark blue, to a hazy, yet cloudless sky.
I wonder if it is all just an act. And if it is, which mask is the false one?
How many people has he held like he’s held me? How many of the sweet nothings that are whispered in my ear now, have been whispered to Elizabeth before? To anyone before?
Yes, my bluenette is surely a mystery, yet, I suppose that is why I find him as attractive as I do. Even as he pushes me harshly away from his desk, as he ignores my callings of his name, and though he never returns my physical affections, I can’t seem to ever hold a grudge towards him.
For, in reality, I know he doesn’t truly mean me harm.
The simple, yet heartbreaking thought, of ever losing my beloved bluenette tears me apart. It eats me limb from limb like a carnivorous beast, pulling me into the dark crevices of my own mind while simultaneously chowing down upon my emotions. That simple scenario of Ciel ever leaving my side, or I ever leaving his-well, it scares me no doubt-but who has time to be scared when you’re practically begging him to never leave. Who has time to be scared when I am too busy making sure never to step too heavily on the cracks I know the Phantomhive dislikes.
I am safe for now though, and I know this because of the simple actions he portrays, that are not able to be seen by the untrained eyes.
He pushes me away, yes, but before doing so, a small narrow of his eyebrows, or apologizing linger of his hands give me the warning I need to not be truly injured. As my voice sings his name like a spider weaving a web; skilled and silky, as the bluenette signs his paperwork- I can always detect the faintest of smiles placed upon his pale, pink lips. This rare smile, of course makes me smile in return, and like everything Ciel does, I seem to fall in love with it-this smile. As my body wraps around his, embracing him in a hug from behind, I can feel his warm body press into mine-and just for a second, his usually tense, prideful posture relaxes as he lets out a soft sigh. That is, before he realizes that it is the day time, and that he is Ciel Phantomhive, betrothed to Elizabeth Middleford. So, after those few blissful seconds of connection, when he finally realizes this fact, he straightens himself and with a firm voice, demands my craving body to unlatch from his.
And I obey his commands, because it is the day time and he is Ciel Phantomhive, betrothed to Elizabeth Middleford.
For the past two years we've played this game with masks. During the day, he is Earl Ciel Phantomhive and I am Alois Trancy. During the day we are business partners, nothing more and nothing less. And during the day, when anyone is able to bounce into his office like the bloody disruptive peasant they are, I am not his lover or even so much as a friend to Earl Phantomhive.
I am simply Alois Trancy.
But, on those selected occasions that I am allowed to stay the night, due to “poor weather conditions”, or “urgent unfinished business,” the masks come off and I am allowed to see the Ciel I so deeply fell in love with those two long years ago.
Yes, only at night am I allowed to hold him and be held in return. Only at night can I kiss and be kissed. Only at night can I call out Ciel’s name and he answer back with mine. Only at this blasted time can I truly call Ciel mine.
Still though, as I kiss his soft, pale lips now and as I breathe in his addicting, vanilla smell, I can’t help but feel an intense pain in my heart. It is a pain different from that I’ve felt before. It twists deeper, and feels somewhat more complicated and intense than the silly, forgettable events that took place not so long ago.
Those silly, forgettable events being the bloody pervert Earl Trancy and my time spent as his free-service boy-toy. Oh, how I longed to forget. Still, though, I can’t help but feel as if those matters are what caused-or are causing some of my feelings now.
It is the pain I had built up from all the days spent alone.
Watching my younger lover from a distance, the pain I felt as he turned away from my longing gazes. Every so often there would be a ball, yet even then among the large crowd, the bluenette and I were unable to escape into a room like the star crossed lovers we were.
All of the times I was stuck in the background, clapping along with the other guests as Ciel and Lizzy would dance in the most breathtaking way. Though I would smile, because that is part of my mask, my heart would drop a little and I would turn away in fear of someone spotting the unwilling tear that would make its way down my face.
I was jealous, yes, who wouldn't be? “She’s nothing,” Ciel said after the first and last time I had expressed this jealousy to him. “Please don’t worry about her.” And he seemingly brushed it off as he does with everything else.
But still I would long to feel his touches in the day light. I wanted the whole world to know he was mine, he belonged to me, not Lizzy, nor anyone else ever.
So tonight, with the feeling of Ciel’s warm body against mine, finally, after so long, I couldn’t help but let my emotions begin to build all over again. Our gazes met before Ciel’s lips assaulted mine, their soft, warm, touch making up for the fact that the kiss was messy and needy and rushed.
All our kisses seemed to be needy kisses now. They were hurried and sloppy, but kisses nonetheless, and so I didn’t mind. In fact I was thankful, glad, for these messy kisses- because compared to the short, scared ones that usually play upon our lips, these kisses were heaven. They were perfection.
And Ciel- he looked up at me in the most breathtaking way, the softest, most gorgeous way- a look that he would never give me during the day time. He smiled, a smile that didn’t show his teeth, but instead reached his eyes.
It was a smile I had missed. Lizzy would receive a smile every now and then, and the blasted thought burned me up inside- him smiling because of her.
I just wanted him to smile in the sunlight. Smile because of me.
My sudden tears trickle silently down my face and onto Ciel’s bare shoulder where he lies beneath me.
His arms, which were wrapped beautifully around my neck, untighten themselves from me and I whine, not wanting the warm, loving hands to disappear. For, it is at only this time; only at night when those warm, loving hands exist.
“Jim.” He whispers my name, my true name, as he sits up and pulls me onto his chest. I feel a greater amount of tears flow at the call of my name, because the way he says it; like it’s the sweetest cake in the world, like it’s a treasure only he can have, he says my name with such meaning my heart can’t help but flutter.
Ciel doesn’t grimace or wipe away any of my tears from himself as they continue to fall freely upon him. He knows exactly what to do because this definitely isn’t the first time I’ve broken like this.
No, it happens every night we happen to spend together.
Ciel never seems to mind, though I feel guilty nonetheless.
“I’m sorry.” I hiccup onto his skin, leaning slightly into his hand as he weaves his fingers through my locks of untangled, blonde hair. His touch is so valuable and gentle that it calms me almost instantly. His skin is so warm that I regret ruining the mood with my childish emotions.
“I told you to stop apologizing. You have no reason to say sorry.” he replies, kissing my forehead as he leans back on the bed, taking my body with him. “We don’t… have to do anything…” he mumbles into my shoulder, because he is Ciel, and he is awkward, and he is perfect.
I nod my head, content with simply being embraced by the one I love. Half of my body lays atop his, while the other half upon the hot sheets that were moments ago being covered in sweat and the smells of lust. If Ciel is disappointed, he doesn’t show it, and I think, or I would like to hope, he is content as well simply lying with me. Our legs circle around one another's as my nose nuzzles into his neck, his nose nuzzling into my shoulder and both of us slightly panting, my tears slowly beginning to fade away. It’s simple moments like these, the calming atmosphere that I would like to never leave, moments like these when I truly believe, I know, that I love Ciel. I’ve never said those three words aloud, and neither has the bluenette, but simple words like those are not needed.
At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. I’d like to think that someday he would tell me those words in a whisper, or a hum as we lie awake talking nothing but pillow talk. Or maybe even, he would tell me in the daylight, and his head would turn away to conceal his blush, and I would tell him I loved him too and we would leave together right then and there.
Leave where? Well, I’m not quite certain but our money combined will be more than enough and our butlers will keep us well undercover.
Anywhere would be fine, I just want to leave.
“Jim.” Ciel murmurs into my hair, for my head rests in the crook of his neck as I silently inhale his always-calming scent.
“Hm?” I mumble back, because even though my tears have stopped I knew my voice would betray me if I were to speak now.
“Do you want to ah, to talk about it?” he was embarrassed, and I knew it, and if I didn’t feel so much like shit, I would have chuckled at this fact. It was dark in the room, only a little moonlight shining in between the small cracks in the curtains to provide my eyes with sight. I knew though, he was blushing, for Ciel blushes at everything in this nature.
My left hand reached up to cup his right cheek, and if he wasn’t blushing before, he sure was now. I could feel the heat radiating off of his skin, making my own hand warm. It was a nice feeling.
I sighed, not knowing which answer Ciel wanted to hear. Our meetings were always brief so the emotions the two of us shared rarely came into play. I didn’t know what he felt, as he didn’t know about I, and we kept it that way simply for the fact talking would take up too much time.
I guess our relationship was more lust than love, but I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to not just stand idly by on the sidelines, watching him live his life without me by his side in the daylight. I wanted to know him deeper than anyone else ever has or ever will, I want him to know me in the same way also.
I want a lot of things, I guess.
Yet, if our relationship was formed purely out of need- Ciel wouldn’t ask if I “needed to talk” would he? He wouldn’t care about my emotions, or my thoughts, or anything other than my body.
“Ciel,” his name was a sigh on my lips, “I-I can’t do this anymore.” I sigh again, but at myself and into his neck, because my words came out crooked and forced and-well, they were.
His soft, dainty arms tightened their grip around me as I felt the bluenette inhale a quick, large breath, his fingers began drumming an odd rhythm on my arm’s skin. A habit Ciel does when he’s not quite sure how to handle a situation, I’ve noticed.
“Our relationship, you mean?” he asks and I nod gently into his neck. I hold back my tears because what good would they do now. Tears are weak and worthless and stand for nothing. They stand for nothing Ciel likes, anyway.
“You can’t.” he says defensively, sitting up in his half-unbuttoned nightshirt. I roll over onto the bed, myself in a silk nightshirt as well. I sniff the bed out of habit, a calming cloud falling over me as I identify the scent with Ciel.
I chuckled as the words he whispered finally registered through my brain. “What do you mean, I can’t?” I tease, because I want him to beg for me, I want him to shove his pride up his arse, or maybe even up my arse if he wants-I wouldn’t mind. I want him to need me like I need him. Even though he shows these emotions, he never tells me like I tell him.
I need it.
“I mean just that. You can’t not do this. Why now of all times? Have I upset you?”
I smiled, my head lulling to the side to face him. Strands of platinum blonde hair cascaded down in front of my eyes and parts of my face, yet that didn’t stop me from looking at that beautiful human being, with worry and anger and possession etched across his face in the most intriguing way possible. With his upper chest exposed and his arms shaking slightly as they contemplate reaching for me or not.
He always was an awkward one when it came to times like these. These intimate times.
“Ciel,” my eyes slid closed as I began to grow tired, “I’ve been upset from the very start.
I didn’t see his face but the pain he was feeling was woven throughout his words as he spoke his next sentence. He told his emotions so plainly, and openly, something his pride would never allow him to do, which is why I was surprised.
“I know it hasn’t been easy, but life isn’t easy! Yo-”
“You act as though you are the one watching your love be loved by someone else. You act as though you are the one who is constantly watching their partner grow as a person without them. Ciel, you don’t know how I feel and I don’t t-”
“You’re wrong, Jim! You are the one I watch as people flock to you at any social gathering we go to. You don’t have to try, people instantly love you. The only person who thinks they love me is Elizabeth, yet she knows nothing of love.”
“You’re wrong.” I opened my eyes, only to witness the panic and anger bubbling inside the younger boy. It was almost laughable how easily riled he could be. “Except, I don’t think I love you, I know I do.”
It wasn’t a direct confession yet his face went from pale to pink, an emotion rarely seen, to other’s at least, for if he ever did express his embarrassment, he was sure to hide it. Though, he wasn’t hiding it now.
“Then I wasn’t entirely wrong then, was I?” he sneered, crossing his arms over his chest as his face leant closer to mine. The urge to move forward and connect my lips with his was incredible, yet I stayed still, hoping Ciel would choose his moves wisely.
He sighed somewhat contently before quickly removing the black eyepatch that covered his glowing, violet eye. He called it a blemish, yet I called it beautiful-his eye, that is.
He looked at me once he was through setting the fabric down on the nightstand, both eyes closing before he fell down next to me on the bed.
“I-” he coughed an awkward cough, “I’m not very good at these types of things, you know.”
“Mm, yes.”
“But, ah, that doesn’t mean that...” he cleared his throat again, closing his eyes and laying on his back as I laid on my side. “that I don’t care for you.”
“A lot of people care for me, Ciel.” I nagged. Although this was a lie, it would force him to clarify, it would force him to tell me-
“Jiimm,” he whined, his arm coming up to cover over part of his face as he continued on speaking. “I mean that I care about you in a different way. Different than Elizabeth, or Sebastian, or my family- different from anyone else.”
“Hm. In what way is that?” I feigned innocence, yet I knew he could tell it was all an act. Though, being the stubborn male he is, he wanted to get his point across-so that’s exactly what he was going to do.
He sighed as if he were about to fill out paperwork. “Jim, I love you.” he mumbled, an instant blush forming on both his cheeks and mine. I was no longer tired as my eyes popped open, my heart hammering in my chest. On the outside though, it were as if I didn’t hear him at all.
“Yes, I love you too. I love pink roses, and wine, and fish and chips and f-”
“No, Jim I want to be with you.” he speaks louder as his arms swings away from his eyes and his body is pushed up by his own arms. I look up at him, my mouth slightly open and tears building up in my eyes once again.
The water droplets streams down my face, one by one. They do this because I am simply a silly child who cannot handle emotions as strong as these.
“I love you, Ciel.” and I meant those words, because I have always wanted to say them without fear of rejection. “But really, we can’t do this-not in secret, not anymore-I can’t.” it pained me to say those words-to say the truth.
Without missing a beat, Ciel replied, “Then I guess we’ll simply have to tell everyone, right?”
I furrowed my brows and lifted myself up so that I was sitting face to face with the brave boy who spoke words like honey, too good to be true. “C-ciel…”
“It’ll be a shock to some, yes, and a little embarrassing, no doubt, but if any bastard has a problem they can talk to my arse.” he scoffed, “and Elizabeth,” he sighed his fingers coming up to massage one of his temples, “I’m sure I’ll have to hug her once or twice but once I tell her that you’ll be my husband instead, I’m sure she’ll approve. I mean, she’s always liked you anyways, I swear if she wasn’t bet-”
‘Hug her once or twice’?! Oh his simple ways of thinking. How he doubted his own beauty and importance. No, it was sure that Lizzy was bound to have a fit-to kick and scream and break a few things but that wa- wait-
“H-husband?” the tears that were barely flowing before, now came back with even more passion. My lips were red and silent as I cried, and though my vision was blurry I could still make out a small smile placed upon those sweet, pale lips of Ciel’s.
“Well, I mean-you don’t h-um, yes.” he murmured, using his thumb to wipe away my tears of joy or relief, I didn’t know. “You have no objections… I hope?”
I shook my head with a laugh that bubbled up from my throat. All my loneliness, my heartache, my hidden tears-they were all worth something.
The kiss we shared then was not needy, or rushed, or messy. It was slow, and fragile, and so simple yet filled with so many emotions, I couldn’t contain my smile.
“I love you, I love you, I love you.” I seemed to chant, because those words were my freedom, they were my prayers, they were my everything.
“I love you,” he repeated back, placing a kiss on forehead, “I love you,” a kiss on my teary, closed eyelid, “I love you.” a kiss on my sore, smiling, red lips.
I knew our troubles were far from over, in fact they were really just beginning. And as much as Ciel seems the 'cool, calm, and collected' type, he was almost always the one rushing into things. He believed the impossible to be possible, the loveless to be lovely, and well, I assume that's the reason he's kept onto me for so long.
Soon it would be the day time once more. Then, he would be Ciel Phantomhive, no longer betrothed to Elizabeth Middleford, but Alois Trancy instead. It would be the daytime, and finally our two masks would become one, and Ciel will be mine.
Completely and entirely mine.
And this was love. This torturous, hideous, painful, lustful, beautiful, rewarding feeling- was love.
Love truly is a funny thing.