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Sage said I should start a journal. Shoved a notebook at me when I said I was bored and wanted to leave. So here it is, I guess.
The disorientation is getting worse. Every time I come back from the rift, I’m dizzy and don’t know how long I’ve been in there. I rip into the rift and sometimes it feels like ripping into myself. Today I had a scratch on my back and I didn’t even notice until Sage dragged me to her office. She says it’ll scar. They always do.
She says I have to stop, but I can’t. I need to know.
He stopped me from rifting again tonight. He wouldn’t let me go, fell asleep next to my bed. He’s still here. Looks peaceful curled up in Sage's chair. I could reach out and mess up his hair but I don't want to wake him up.
He talks in his sleep. I don’t know if he knows what he’s told me. On missions too, he talks to himself when he thinks no one can hear. He thinks he's so good at hiding his stupid secrets. Anyone listening to him would know he killed all those people at Fracture. That he’s a monster nobody could ever love.
That’s a lie. I love him. I love him for all of it. I know it makes me an idiot, but I do.
He says he’d abandon everything for me, for us. It’s the only lie he’s told me I don’t believe. He made it too obvious.
He admitted that he’s had lovers before, but he said I’m different. I believed him. I always do. Maybe I’m an idiot. I’ve seen him lie to the other agents and he’s good at it. The way he does it to me is different, though. He always purses his lips beforehand. I think he feels bad about it.
He always takes me to restaurants with too many kinds of cutlery. Says I'm cute when I don't know which fork to use. I wanted to take him somewhere nice too, so I rifted us to a traditional garden in Tokyo. It’s one of my favourite places. Ten years ago, I spent an hour talking to an old lady who’d lived there for ninety-seven years. That was the longest I’d ever talked to someone until I met him. It was dark and the park was closed. There was a duck sleeping on one of the rocks.
We didn’t get to spend a lot of time there. I forgot he doesn’t know how to navigate the rifts, and he cut himself pretty badly on one of the dimensional fragments, on one of his tattoos. It scarred. I visited him in Sage’s office and he kissed me and told me we matched now. I hurt him and he thanked me. I went there to apologise but what was I supposed to say to that?
He helps me down the rocky roads in the traditional gardens we walk in and he walks me to my room and he always says I look beautiful, and I don't know what to do. I don't know why I said yes when he asked me to date him. He seemed like he meant it. Like he saw a future for us. I guess I believed it too, just for a moment.
I want to shake him and make him realise that we are different people. He thinks this is the beginning but both of us are only here for the Protocol's resources. Neither of us are going to stay. I can’t follow him where he’s going – he won’t even let me into his workshop. I don’t know how he believes this will end well when he won’t even show me who he really is and doesn’t understand that I have to leave. I don’t know how much longer I can wait for him to understand.
But that’s not true either, is it? He does understand. He just doesn’t want to, the same way he ignores everything that gets in his way. I thought I was stubborn before I met him, but I don’t mess with fate. He thinks he can change the world, and he’s going to do it. And he wants me there with him when he finally does it.
I never expected it but I wish we could both stay. It’s not so bad, here. Better than any other team I’ve worked with. They got me drunk last week, screamed when I said I was seeing someone. "He better treat you right." "I'm glad you're happy!" It’s weird, they were giving me so much advice on how to find a boyfriend until I snapped and told them, but it was all different. Love takes time. Don't give him false hope. Wait for the right one, don't settle. Chase after him. Don't let him go.
Life is unfair. I finally fall in love with someone who I actually want to spend the rest of my life with, and he’s going to leave. We’re both going to leave.
I'd leave first, just so he doesn't get to hurt me. But I can't say goodbye.
I guess I won't tell anyone when I do. He'll wake up one day, his face marked with pillow wrinkles like it always is when he wakes up. And he'll look for me, or he won't. Either way, he won't find me again.
You were loved. I want you to know that. It’s the only thing I can give you to keep. That and the scar.