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Satan often thought about his existence. Or more specifically how he came into existence. Other than his brothers or even all the other demons in the Devildom he isn’t a fallen angel or was even born naturally into the Devildom. No, he originates from another individual. And that individual was Lucifer. The demon he hated the most.
Satan was born out of hatred and the unstoppable wrath Lucifer experienced while falling out of the Celestial-realm. And he absolutely despised him for that. Satan developed many similarities to Lucifer. He often felt like he wasn’t his own individual but was rather just a cheap copy of his older brother. He tried so many times to hurt Lucifer, to get at least a tiny bit of revenge for having to live this miserable life but it never worked. How could it? Satan was so much weaker than him. It didn’t matter how well thought-out his plans were the eldest brother always managed to find a way to avoid the aftermath of Satan’s plans.
Was he damned to live the rest of his miserable life in the shadow of this man, who calls himself his brother?
All of his brothers kept telling him that he is his own individual, even though he was similar to Lucifer. But Satan knew that they were all lies. Halfhearted attempts to make him feel better. As if he would ever believe those empty words. They didn’t know anything about him. They convinced themselves that they do but in reality, they knew absolutely nothing about him. Satan was sick of all the lies. He was sick of all the attempts to include him into their so called “family”.
He didn’t ask for this. He didn’t ask for any of this.
All his life, he never felt anything except wrath and hatred for everyone and everything.
Why was everyone he would meet so happy?
Why couldn’t he be happy too?
What did he do to deserve this?
Wasn’t he good enough?
He desperately wanted to see them suffer. Just like he did. They didn’t deserve to be happy. No one did.
How long does he have to keep living like this?
In his books he often read the phrase “Life isn’t fair” and he wholeheartedly agreed with this quote. It isn’t fair. They say life isn’t fair for anyone, but he couldn’t believe that. Because if that was the case then no one would be happy. Maybe it was just something that was told to those who weren’t lucky enough to live a happy live.
But why does it have to be him?
He already suffered through so much, but he still hasn’t experienced anything remotely positive in his miserable life. That wasn’t fair.
Satan was envious of all those who didn’t had to experience what he had. Those who could enjoy their lives to the fullest without having to work for it. This privilege was just given to them. They didn’t have to achieve it. They just received it.
What about him?
Why didn’t he get that privilege as well?
What did he do wrong?
Didn’t he deserve happiness as well?
Was he destined from the very beginning to suffer his whole life?
Even his brothers didn’t have to go through the same amount of pain and misery that he had to. It wasn’t fair. Nothing about this was fair.
Was his whole life going to continue to unfold like it did up to this point?
Were wrath and envy really the only things he would ever get to feel?
. . .
. . .
. . .
Satan snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the door to his room open.
“Hey Satan, is everything alright? I’ve knocked at least five times, but you didn’t answer. So, I thought something might have happened.”
There at the door stood Yuki, the new exchange student. A worried look hovered over their face. Satan just looked at them for a few seconds, still debating on whatever he should tell them. He ultimately decided to tell them what was going on.
“Yuki, I don’t want you to see me like this.” He paused for a brief moment before continuing. “But since you’re already here… would you stay with me for a while? I’m not feeling too well.”
The exchange student nodded, sat down besides Satan and pulled him into their embrace. “Of course, Satan! I’m always here for you, you should know that. No matter what it is we will find a solution, together. You don’t have to suffer alone. I’m right here. I won’t leave you.”
Satan’s face felt hot, and he felt his eyes tearing up.
“Yuki, you know how I was once a part of Lucifer? Well, I still occasionally think about that.” He stopped talking. He could feel his voice starting to tremble. “I… I just thought about it again. And it made me feel sick to my stomach.”
Yuki loosened their embrace and put both hands on Satan’s shoulders. Their face showed a mix of sympathy and confidence. “You know, Satan. You’re special. I know everyone keeps saying that you’re your own individual, but I also know that you don’t believe that. And I understand that. I will never experience or truly grasp what it is like to be born out of emotions from someone else. But what I can grasp is that you have so many unique traits and interests. It may be true that you only exist because of the extreme emotions Lucifer has felt, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re you. You might not see it, but I do. You’re special. I love you for who you are. And if that doesn’t tell you how unique you are then I don’t know what will.”
Satan’s eyes now showed something different than before. They weren’t filled with anger and sadness anymore like they were before. Instead, they now emitted tranquility and composure. The dark shadow that covered his face was now gone.
“Thank you, Yuki. You have no idea how much those words mean, coming from you.” Satan pulled Yuki into another hug. When Satan finally broke the hug and studied Yuki’s face, he couldn’t stop thinking how lucky he was to have someone like them by his side. How did he deserve someone like them?
He was so used to being alone and not caring for anyone. Why would he care for someone if nobody ever cared about him? But here they were. A human who deeply cared about him. He never thought that it was even possible to get anyone to like him.
“Do you want me to stay the night with you?” Satan’s thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the exchange student.
“Would you really do that for me? It would mean a lot to me if you stayed with me for the night.”
Yuki happily agreed. “Of course! I know you must have been feeling horrible so that’s the least I can do to try cheering you up.”
Satan was able to relax a bit more after he heard those words. Yuki placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. “I will be here the entire night. I won’t leave your side until you want me to. I will help you fight against your intrusive thoughts. We’ll go through this together.”
He was so grateful not to be alone in this. He always had to deal with his thoughts alone, but that was now in the past.