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"Hello!" I get greeted by the boy behind the checkout desk.
Startled by the sudden sound coming from outside my earphones, I jump a little, but recover quickly, obviously embarassed by my childish reaction. The boy, anyhow, doesn't give me anymore mind, he doesn't even look up from his phone, which is playing some videogame's music, even as I greet him with a silent bow.
I sigh tiredly, not really understanding my jumping attitude. With a shrug I decide to put away my earphones, just in case the soft music playing in them is the reason for my too peaceful state of mind. Not that it would be a problem, actually, but I don't really want to show anymore dumbness than what that boy has just witnessed.
As I look over the little colored bottles of different liquids, I notice the triangular plastic little bag full of chocolate milk that I came to love during high school. I sigh again as I look at it for a while, lots of memories flowing freely in my mind. Stupid me goes back to those days so easily I almost pity him. I could cringe at the thought of those feelings taking over me, but all I can do is letting them be.
I hate seeing Hyunjin-hyung's blurred face again, I hate it so much. It had been a while, being that a few days, but it still stings to see how little ordinary things are connected to his image. I still hate it thou, his face.
But then, again, I do love that drink, so next thing I know is that I'm reaching out to take it and suddenly I have another flashback. A really realistic one indeed.
"Fuck-" I whisper, chocking on my spit for a second and dropping the milk. I realise I thought another person had a hand on the milk to take it too. I breath though my nose heavily. Felix-hyung's face covering Hyunjin-hyung's blurred one as I stay there unmoving, while a stray tear runs down my face at a stupidly fast speed. The whole world seems to stop but that only tear that wets my cheek.
"Sorry-" I jump again as a hand runs featherly down my arm. I get away from the touch and, again, for a moment I see Felix-hyung standing there with his sweet smile and the milk in his hand as he apologises for taking it before me.
"Sorr- Excuse me, sir?" I get thrown back to reality by the cashier who was actually the one to run a hand on me. He looks a bit scared and worried as he keeps his distance from me holding the milk a bit nearer me. As he sees that my focus is on him again, he shyly smiles up at me and nearers the milk to my hand.
"I think you dropped this, sir." He says politely with a smile.
I have no words in my head, just the continuous switch between Hyunjin-hyung's warm frown created because of me taking his milk to drink, Felix-hyung's soft smile of apology for wanting one of the two remaining milks and the brutally lonely reality. As this loop goes on and on, I actually manage to get out some words along the lines of:
"Ah... yeah... sorry, I got this, thanks."
I awkwardly reach out to take the milk from the boy while smiling a little not to worry him.
He looks hesitant for a moment before he decides to speak up once more: "Are you sure- I mean, is everything alright, sir?"
I smile at the boy a bit more, my lips drawing a fine line as they press together. I decide to nod just not to make him realise that I am indeed not alright at all, even if I bet my voice would be enough to tell. I still spit out a little 'thank you', not to look smug or full of myself. He then leaves me, not because I convinced him for sure, but just because I move my eyes on the shelves. I think I see him stop at the corner to look at me once more, before vanishing behind the shelf.
I sigh again just to try to collect myself. It's not the place or time to be doing this. Moreover past is past, I tell myself, I can't go back in time. I nod trying to convince myself that this is the way out of those thoughts, but as I look at the milk in my hand I get warm all over again.
The memories of what my high school crush turned out to be are like ropes that hug my stomach in a oh so tight grip. I remember Hyunjin-hyung's distressed face when I told him I liked him more than just as a friend, I remember it so perfectly it hurts. He really made that face of disbelief and something more that had never been on those pretty features. I think his face had never had such an ugly expression, not even when talking about Minho-hyung, and that really says something. He turned me down with not so much mercy, but more likely threw me off a cliff while looking at me in the eyes.
He was so full of himself, so full of his life, so full of his love for that girl, so full of anger torwards Minho-hyung, so full of his dreams that he never stopped a moment to look at me. That stupid me that still hung out with him, tried to make him happy again, wanted him to smile more. He was straight from head to toe, but I still fell for him.
And I too was so full of myself, so full of my love for Hyunjin-hyung, so full of anger torwards his stubborness, so full of dumbness that I too didn't stop for a moment to think about others, to see the good that Felix-hyung was reaching out to give me. Little Felix-hyung that at least had the thought of letting me know about his feelings, that told me he would be there for me, that said he wasn't leaving.
But even in front of that love, all I was able to spit out of my smart mouth had been: "I love Hyunjin-hyung."
All I did was push Felix-hyung away and try to ask for forgiveness, but Felix-hyung was too good for his own sake.
He smiled, he backed off and just kept reaching out for me as a friend, until he got tired. The club's breaking, the relationship's problems between Hyunjin-hyung and Minho-hyung or between Minho-hyung and Jisung-hyung, when they eventually occurred, helping supporting Chan-hyung in his helpless attempts to sew everything together... Felix-hyung gave up on that all and on me.
I don't blame him for this. I just hope he's living well now, without those dark circles under his pretty eyes and with a bit more weight on his hips. He deserved better.
"Get home safely!" The boy screams after me as I get out of the little store without buying anything.
Hands empty and a groaning stomach, I stop just outside the shop and look around. It's night, the sky as dark as I left it when I got into the store.
I tell myself that I should head home, so I start walking, cars running beside me and roaring in the tunnel I'm in.
I start having trouble breathing and my eyes start watering as I come to a stop in the midle of the sidewalk. Nobody's around, but the cars still run on the road. The world starts spinning lighty as I get my back to lay on the dirty wall of the tunnel.
I try to get my phone and, once I'm inside it, I manage to find the numer I'm looking for. I breath heavily as if I had been running, but air doesn't seem to go the right way because I feel out of breath anyway. I look at the number and I try to convince myself to stop, not to call, not to hurt myself more, not to bring him up again like this, not after this year of improvement. But my hand is faster: as soon as I get my breathing skills back, the phone is already ringing next to my hear, the steady 'beep' repeating itself countless times, waiting for Hyunjin-hyung to pick up.
He doesn't and the call goes to the voicemail that suggests to leave a message. I feel tempted for a second to get the opportunity and tell him I miss him, I love him, I'm sorry.
I don't.
Instead I put down the phone, clicking on the red button and look straight before me. Tears dry, breath steady, I get away from the sticky wall and walk back into reality, the one I built with so much effort.
I walk back to my apartment, the one I got with my job as a teacher in kindergarten after I dropped out of University. I get in and immediately I'm greeted with silence, dark and warmth. I let out a deep breath as I leave my shoes by the door and go straight to my bed, not even bothering changing into comfy clothes.
I think I'm safe from everything else, but I suddenly get attacked by a little thing jumping on my back and playfully skipping up and down on my shoulder blades. I'm too tired to play, thou, so I just let him be. I turn my face around, snuggling my cheek in the pillows, and I decide to look up at the kitten that moved in front of my face and that was trying to poke my cheek with his humid nose.
I tiredly smile up at him and I reach out a hand to pat his little head. He seems to appreciate the affection because he starts to purr. I pet him for a bit until he gets tired of the position and decides to lay down and cuddle next to the crook of my neck, still loving the strokes on his fur.
He looks really cute, that's why I took him with me: he has grey fur with black spots here and there, and those big blue eyes that now rest closed peacefully. He reminds me of Felix-hyung, when he tried out grey hair even if I told him blond would suit him more. Blonde hair suit perfectly Hyunjin-hyung instead, I remember when he decided to dye them like that: they were long, reaching the base of his neck, he almost looked like a prince.
I sigh again, blowing out some air on the poor kitten who cuddles closer to me at the little wind I created.
"Alright, I surrend." I say as to give up, as if laying down there wasn't already my plan. I stay there with the kitten cuddled up againist me and eventually I fall asleep, hoping to forget everything and try to get back my energy.
I dream that night. Plump lips and freckles sneak into my dreams with smooth movements and I just surrend to that too: they won't leave me anytime soon, I think I'll have to bring those two with me forever.