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the weeks that follow the incident (or 'civil war', as the members call it — "for comic relief purposes, riki-ah"— or so they said) are nothing short of awkward.
naturally, the members are upset with heeseung, the way he handled things was repulsive and neither of them supported his actions; however, he's still their reliable hyung, and jake is still the sweet, lovely member they go to when they need a burst of energy.
it's been confusing for the rest of the members, it feels like they're betraying riki whenever they have a moment where things feels like it used to be before everything went downhill, despite the youngest telling them many times that there's no need to hold it against them, that this is between them three.
their group activities remain the same, mostly. there are far more moments where they all stay quiet while recording and the staff has to call them out to break the tension between them.
riki isn't doing much better than them either. as it was expected, heeseung and jake have tried (and failed) to approach riki, to apologize, to try and make up for the unspeakable amount of pain they caused their youngest, but he always finds a way to avoid them, and the other four protect him as if they're his bodyguards, making it essentially impossible for the pair to succeed in discussing the elephant in the room with riki.
it's not like he plans to avoid them forever, they're still bandmates, after all, and there's only so much time riki can avoid heeseung like the plague before their management and fans notice something's wrong.
it was in an article riki read about break ups and how to deal with them that to help with heartbreak, you should distance yourself from them as much as possible; so he clings to whoever isn't with the pair, jungwon mostly.
there are still times where he cries himself to sleep, sometimes he'll get up from bed in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and he'd see heeseung and jake in the kitchen, too immersed in one of their midnight ramen rendezvous.
overall, it's been hard for riki to chew up and process the amount of new scenarios he's been encountering, and it'd be a lie to say all the love he had for heeseung is gone.
"you know, riki..." jay and riki were tangled up in the couch watching tv when the older decided to speak up, riki feels uneasy at the tone and atmosphere it surrounds them so abruptly.
"yeah?" he responds, pausing the episode from the latest anime in their list.
"i think it may be time for you to open up to the possibility of talking with them" he's careful as he speaks, scared he might flip an imaginary switch and turn riki against him too.
riki has considered it, he really has; but every time he thinks about actually going through with it, his throat closes up and his chest feels heavy. not yet.
"i've thought about it..." he pauses, chewing up his bottom lip and scratching the inner side of his thumb, his clear signs of anxiousness.
"but i don't think i'm ready, not yet at least"
"do you think you'll ever be ready?"
'hyung..." he sighs, there's no way either of the members understand what riki's feeling; because it's not just heartbreak, it's another form of betrayal and humiliation that riki didn't think could happen to him.
"really riki, i don't mean to pressure you, but-"
"if you don't mean to pressure him, then leave the matter alone, hyung. riki will talk to them when he feels ready" jungwon speaks in a calm yet firm voice as he entered the room, sunoo trailing behind him with a clueless look on his face. jungwon's words make jay huff and pull him to the side, riki can't hear them properly but he's sure jay said something about jungwon "being too soft with him"
riki hears jungwon telling jay that it's none of his business, the older shuts up and the topic closes cleanly.
riki tries not to think about the conversation he's set to have.
•••
two months fly by and riki starts getting better at pretending nothing happened. it's occasional, but sometimes he'd smile at something heeseung said or thank jake for the ramen he prepared for all of them.
he's aware of the fact that things cannot go on like this, their dynamic as a group has been compromised and their manager has had some serious talks with both of them separately, ordering them to fix it, otherwise the upper men in the company could get involved and it could get ugly.
and it's not until he finds himself alone with heeseung in the dorms that he realizes the time to fix it came quicker than he expected.
riki gets home after after a quick shoot and interview he had for the weverse magazine, it'd been a while since the last one and he was excited about having a solo project, even if small, once again.
as far as he knows, all of his hyungs are out, busy with their own schedules, meaning he has the dorms all for himself. so, as soon as he closes the front door, a loud, relieved exhale leaves his lips.
he doesn't even have time to take off his shoes before he can physically feel his heart drop to his stomach.
heeseung is looking at him with wide eyes, and riki can immediately know he thought he'd be alone for a while too. riki can feel his throat closing up despite him trying to speak and his mind goes blank as he turns around to escape yet again.
"wait riki, please don't go!" and it's hard for riki to ignore it, the urge clear in his voice. riki sighs, he promised himself he'd be mature about the whole situation.
"we don't have to interact at all if you don't want to, riki. i can stay here o-or go to my room, whatever you'd prefer"
riki bites the inside of his cheek, turning back to face heeseung yet avoids his eyes as much as he can. he sighs one more time before his firm voice fills the silence.
"actually hyung, i think we have a long overdue talk"
heeseung's lips part and his eyes widen, he could cry just thinking about the youngest having a proper conversation with him after so long, he doesn't know if he deserves it but riki's always the best out the two of them, constantly giving more than he should.
"okay. let's go sit down, yeah?"
his voice is so soft and riki hates the fluttering feeling in his stomach but he obeys nonetheless, taking off his shoes before walking towards the living room.
the silence that follows crawls inside riki's chest, heavy and uncomfortable before heeseung's voice finally breaks the tension.
"i really can't explain how sorry i am, riki-ah. everything that happened..." he looks away from the younger's eyes, licking his lips in a nervous tic. "it's such a blur, it all went by too fast and i don't know what happened, or why i did what i did, but i do know that i still-" riki's eyes widen and he looks straight into heeseung's, time seems to go by slower just as the stitches he made around his heart snap.
"no, stop" he's ready to get up, regretting having suggested talking, but heeseung reached for his arm, gripping it firmly, begging for him to stay. riki thinks he's unfair, considering he was the one that left in the first place.
"it's true riki, please i love-"
"no" he shakes his head with watery eyes, he feels like screaming, he doesn't want to hear heeseung anymore.
"riki-"
"no hyung! you don't love me, you love what we had! and..." riki chokes up, he's not finished talking, but why can't he? his tears don't stop flowing as he looks up to the wide, intense eyes that never left his face, and maybe the older still managed to push riki just enough to make him better because he's talking again in no time "and that could've been enough for me" he quiets down, but he's sure heeseung heard him loud and clear "i had enough love for the both of us... i-if you had stayed, that would've been enough for me."
heeseung wipes his tears with shaky hands, his head feels like it's about to explode as he stresses about the fact that he doesn't know how he'll be able to save the dying candle that once was heeseung and riki while keeping the heeseung and jake one alive.
"i do love you, riki. and i'm sorry about everything i put you through, i sincerely understand if you decide to not forgive me but you're still my dearest dongsaeng" riki hiccups, hiding his face in his hands, he's not sure why he's crying but he's missed heeseung so much, his caring and sweet hyung, always cuddly, always willing to lend a shoulder to cry on, or give advice when needed.
"and jake hyung..?" heeseung is still all of those things but he's also the one that cheated on him, the one that that lied to his face and that's something riki can't forget that easily.
"he's... it's complicated, riki. can we not talk about him?" riki raises his eyebrow.
"actually no, we can't. he's the whole reason we're in this situation to begin with"
heeseung sighs and scratches his head, riki can tell he's getting restless and a small part of himself wishes he could help his hyung.
"he knows it, everything i said, he knows it" he chews on his lip, he can feel riki's intense stare on him but he's so tired that it doesn't intimidate him anymore.
"and i like him, of course but it's just... it's different with you, i was the happiest when i was with you and i was too engrossed in my new little crush to realize i had all i needed with you"
riki can feel a tight knot in his stomach, he looks away and forces himself to remember why it'd be a bad idea to go back to heeseung. his nose is red and his cheeks are blushy and tear stained as he looks at the forgotten tv.
"why did you leave, then?"
heeseung looks down, playing with his fingers. he sighs. "i don't know"
silence fills the cold room yet again, riki desperately wants to escape the overwhelming tension but he also wants to at least be on speaking/decent terms with his hyung, he can be the bigger person.
"it'll be hard for me to forgive you, but i want to be able to say i have a good relationship with all my hyungs; so i'm willing to try and regain our friendship, if you're willing too"
heeseung breaks down in tears after a second of digesting what riki said, he covers his face and sobs freely into his hands, riki's heart aches.
"riki-ah, i'm so glad. you can take all the time you need, thank you for being so kind"
riki gives him a small smile before getting up on weak legs and walking towards his bedroom. he can feel his knees buckling and the tightening in his chest can't mean anything else but that he's about to have a breakdown.
he quickly fishes for his phone, he doesn't know who he's gonna call but his fingers move by themselves before riki can see the name.
"riki? is everything okay?" riki feels another wave of tears fall from his spent eyes, jungwon's voice embracing him like a warm blanket after a cold day in the rain.
jungwon startles on the other side of the line, and stands up from the couch where he had been waiting for his turn of the interviews for a magazine he already forgot the name of; their manager looks at him weirdly but he walks away without wasting any time.
"what's wrong riki? where are you? are you safe?"
"y-yeah i'm at home, b-but-" a sob, and then a hiccup and jungwon can feel his heart clench inside his chest. home? wasn't he supposed to be in a shooting? oh no. oh no, this is so bad jungwon thinks, they'd all done such a good job at not leaving their youngest alone with any of the parties involved but this week has been so busy, and his leader duties never stop; he wants to bang his head against the wall for being so careless.
"i'm on my way, riki. wait for me, okay? hyung's coming" he only waits for a confirmation that riki heard him to hang up and run back to their manager, he takes his backpack and tries to ignore the questioning look of the man sitting in front of him.
he clears his throat and jungwon has no choice but to lock eyes with him, the man raises an eyebrow and jungwon sighs, running a hand through his hair.
"i have to go" he says, with a tone that would have left no room for discussion, but this is his manager and he's trying to leave work. jungwon knows he's gonna need to explain a bit further.
"why?"
"because riki needs me" he answers, pulling the loose strings from the handle of his bag.
"what would riki need you for right now? he's at his project for the weverse magazine and it's not set to finish until a couple more hours"
"he must've finished early or something but he's at home right now, i need to go with him" he's growing exasperated, pacing slightly around the couch, desperately waiting for an okay so he can leave this godforsaken building.
"why?" the man asks again and jungwon wants to punch him. he rubs his face tiredly, he knows his manager deserves to know what's wrong but he's afraid he'll send someone else. riki called him, riki needs him right now.
"because he's alone at the dorms with heeseung hyung and he just called while sobbing his heart out" jungwon can see the way manager's shoulders tense up before he's calling their driver. finally jungwon thinks. wait for me, riki.
•••
riki doesn't know when it started. he just knows it did, and it grew gradually without him realizing only to hit him with the strength of a thousand trucks.
he doesn't remember what happened after that one call, yet despite the blur in his mushy brain, jungwon remains.
memories of his kind, worried eyes as he cradled riki's face with his hands, his lovely and soft voice a lullaby to riki's ears, soothing his worries and helping him breathe properly.
riki thinks maybe that's when it started, just after jungwon became what he needed to calm his unsettled heart.
following that day, riki doesn't leave jungwon's side no matter the circumstances, practically attached at the hip, wherever jungwon is, riki can be spotted there too.
the leader has undoubtedly noticed the change of behavior in their youngest, clingier and craving physical closeness more than usual, yet he refuses any touch that isn't jungwon's.
it's easy and fun, and jungwon can't help the butterflies that flutter around in his tummy. so he wants to be happy about it, he has his crush's full, undivided attention; not only that, but he's certain riki would trace after him if he left without notice.
but would riki do all that if jungwon didn't comfort him whenever he needs it? would riki only look at him if it weren't because jungwon helps him?
would riki love jungwon even if he didn't need him?
his heartbeat grows quicker at the thought and his stomach sinks just as the younger lifts up from his chest; being in cuddle match, it was only natural that riki would notice the sudden change of his heart pace.
he's hovering over jungwon now, and he blushes under the wide, expressive eyes that seem to shine particularly bright when he's the one on the other side.
jungwon is not - by any means - a small man. he's tall, has broad shoulders and his facial features have matured, giving a nice, strong and grown look to him, he's not small. but riki just does something that makes him feel like the height difference between the two is way bigger than it really is.
riki has a worried look in his eyes when he glances at the long forgotten phone on jungwon's hands, he must've seen something worrying, or maybe exciting if his heart had raced that much.
"is everything okay?" he says, his voice as soft as ever and jungwon wants to either run around in circles or kiss him senseless.
"yeah, i'm just thinking"
riki squints his eyes suspiciously and peeks at the other's phone only to find the screen locked. he raises his eyebrow.
"what's got you so flustered?"
jungwon likes to see himself as a decent, right minded person, he never laughs when it isn't proper and he only speaks up against someone when he knows he's in the right. but with the sudden hyper awareness of riki's hand on his waist, along with his breathing fanning over him like a warm spring breeze, jungwon can't help the way his mouth reacts faster than his brain.
"do you like me?"
the reaction is immediate, and the older wants to feel bad but he's so desperate to know the truth, he doesn't deserve to stay afloat with just empty hopes. he needs to know so he doesn't misunderstand his (potentially) innocent dongsaeng who's only looking for his leader's appreciation and comfort.
riki's own heartbeat increases, his cheeks coloring a soft pink, it makes jungwon want to kiss them all over, but the younger leans away and jungwon immediately misses how close he was.
riki backs up until he's sitting just at the foot of the bed, he feels nauseous and the flush of his face doesn't stop there, spreading down to his chest. riki feels mortified because of it, jungwon would destroy the winter just to always see that lovely shade on the boy's skin.
"where- where did that come from?" he wants to scream that 'yes! yes i do like you, i like everything about you' but his tender heart is still healing, he wants to know he's not about to be rejected if he says what he really means.
jungwon blushes one more time, and with his eyes looking right into riki's, he answers.
"i need to know i'm not misunderstanding"
riki bites his lip, his legs bouncing restlessly at the weight of the question. but he has nothing to worry about; jungwon's different, right? he wouldn't hurt me like heeseung did, right?
the younger's doe eyes fill with tears at the thought, heeseung's betrayal hurt specially bad due to being the oldest in the group, riki - as the youngest - naturally seeks for his approval, besides, having to work alongside him everyday only made it harder to get over him.
jungwon, being his coworker and leader, has a similar role in riki's life.
he sniffles before looking down, it makes jungwon panic, so he inches closer to the crying boy to pat his back.
"it's okay if you don't, riki. hyung's okay"
the small sniffles coming from the younger break jungwon's heart even further, and he has to hold back his own tears as riki looks back up at him.
"hyung..."
he softly takes jungwon's hands in his, and he pulls weakly but jungwon's so pliant that it's so easy for riki to take him in his arms, tightly holding him, he feels at total peace.
jungwon, on his side, is freaking out. he doesn't understand riki's actions but he can feel the rejection coming (although, is it really rejection if he never actually confessed?) the heartbreak certainly wouldn't be any less difficult.
"i like you so much it's scary... what do I do?"
the older is certain there must be sparks coming out of his head because his brain short circuits and malfunctions while trying to grasp what riki said.
"what?" he says smartly after a few seconds and his confusion is so evident in his voice, riki snorts and bursts into a fit of giggles at it. he pulls back from the hug but doesn't let go of jungwon's hand.
"do you like me too, hyung?" riki's free hand reaches for the leader's soft cheek, and it's too much for jungwon's poor fuzzy-in love brain.
"yeah- yeah i do. i like you so much. i've liked you since forever" his voice is so sincere and riki wants nothing but to be completely consumed by the fluttering in his stomach, and the loving hands holding his own.
jungwon isn't doing much better, he realizes (mind you, ages later) how close together their bodies are and he can't be blamed at the way his eyes fall to riki's beautiful, plump lips. he has only riki in his mind and he realizes he wouldn't mind thinking only about the younger for the rest of his life.
"i'm gonna kiss you now" he says and the blush on riki's cheeks is so beautiful and warm he could melt under it. he pulls riki in by his collar, meeting him in the middle, their lips collide and it's nothing short of perfect.
they move softly and sweetly, fitting together as if they were carved just for the other.
as they pull away, breathless and flushed, they smile widely. riki is still scared and jungwon still worries but they feel unbeatable when they're by each other's side.