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when riki woke up, he opened his eyes slowly, expecting the sun to hit his face; instead, he was met with uncomfortable coldness and complete darkness that would've frightened him if it weren't because he's in heeseung's apartment and therefore nothing can hurt him with his boyfriend around.
a beat.
another.
where is heeseung, anyway?
needy for cuddles, riki stands up and carefully makes his way towards the door, trying to be as quiet as possible in case heeseung had fallen asleep on the couch, in which case, he wouldn't want to disturb him, worse comes to worst, he could just play games on his phone.
he sees the dim light of the lamp he gave his boyfriend as a housewarming gift, rose gold illuminating riki's face and showing him the way around the hall.
the couch is empty, or so it seems by looking at the back of it. assuming his boyfriend is sleeping, he pouts and returns to heeseung's room to fetch a blanket, rain started to pour in the middle of the night and brought cold with it, he doesn't want heeseung to get sick.
he comes back with a warm blanket and goes around the couch to cover his boyfriend (and maybe look a his peaceful sleeping face for a bit).
except he doesn't just find his boyfriend on top of that couch.
heeseung's there, of course. but with him (actually, on him) is no other than his jake hyung.
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didn't heeseung swear nothing had happened with him?
why the fuck is he cuddling so comfortably with him then? and inside the apartment riki is also in, no less.
"there's no way." he says, bitterness lacing his voice, but his eyes have always been traitors, watering despite his body shaking with anger.
he stomps to the light switch, loudly turning it on and forcefully throwing the blanket on top of them. i'm so stupid. he thinks just as jake opens his eyes.
he's startled, riki senses, and frightened he realizes as jake desperately calls for heeseung to wake up. he's always slept so deeply, riki would always trace his pretty features with his fingers and he wouldn't wake.
"riki, i'm so sorry, i-" jake starts once he finally saw heeseung's eyes flutter open, falling on riki and widening almost comically, sleepiness leaving entirely. riki thinks heeseung's eyes have always been traitors too. he doesn't know how he didn't notice something was wrong inside them when they talked earlier.
"i'm not talking to you." he shuts him off, jake flinches at the tone his baby brother used. good, riki thinks. he has the decency to look guilty, at least.
riki sees heeseung stand up and takes two steps back, it was a reflex but he'd do it on purpose again and again if it meant he could see heeseung's face contort with guilt and pain more than once.
"do not come closer. how are you so shameless?" riki feels no remorse for the way he's talking to heeseung, he keeps on angrily wiping away tears that don't seem to stop spilling from his eyes. his chest feels as if heeseung left a hole in his heart that only he can fill, leaving it wounded and aching for him to come back.
"you tell me you love me and then go on with whoever decides to fucking confess to you? are you that easy?" had his words been void of emotion, heeseung could've gotten angry, he could've demanded respect; but the way riki spoke was as if he had ripped his chest open and showed him his deepest most sincere feelings. he showed himself bare, and all heeseung could do was lower his head in shame.
"riki!" jake raises his voice, his shocked expression doing nothing but irritating riki even more.
"i said i'm not talking to you, you should at least have enough shame to respect that."
that shuts him up, looking away in embarrassment he breaks the eye contact. this isn't a hyungs-dongsaeng conversation, no. this is a discussion between a couple, and he's in the middle of it all.
"are you just gonna stay quiet? don't you have anything to say for yourself?" riki can feel all the strength he regained in his nap quickly fade away, his voice is trembling, he notices; and he's sure heeseung notices too but he's too exhausted to care.
"you don't know how hard it's been..."
there's an uncomfortable silence for a moment, the tense air suffocating until a thunderous laugh breaks through it, riki clutches his stomach as the other two look at each other in utter confusion.
"no fucking way you actually just said that" he's smiling, but his tone is far from amused; heeseung flinches and he wants to cry because he's the one that dragged his sweet riki to the breaking point. of all his sins, heeseung thinks this is the only unforgivable one.
"tell me hyung, what was the hardest? running off to him with all the others while i was all alone?" he's crying again and riki has never despised himself more but he's feeling so much, too much, and it's so overwhelming.
"or how about cheating on me and coming home with him to finish the job? didn't you say you were worried sick, huh? did you lie about everyone else being worried too?"
"riki..."
"you said it was hard but i can see it was real fucking easy for you to take another man into your arms like i was disposable."
riki shrinks in on himself, his hands cover his face as soft whimpers and sobs leave his reddened lips. heeseung and jake can do nothing but watch as the young boy in front of them breaks completely, a heart wrenching feeling of guilt invades both of them as they hear riki sniffling and trying to catch his breath.
heeseung's heart breaks. he thinks it's only fair after he ripped riki's out and used it for his entertainment.
"h-how could you do this to me? both of you..."
the two remain speechless, there's nothing they could say that can fix the mess they've caused, heeseung finds himself wishing he could travel back in time and make everything right; but it's too late now, his boy was hurting so much and it was all because of him.
riki stands up, his legs feel wobbly and he thinks he might collapse if he stays in that room for another moment, his head is spinning and every inch of his body is begging him to go into heeseung's arms, to let himself feel the warmth that was so rudely ripped off from him.
"please only talk to me when we have a schedule or if i approach you first." his lower lip trembles and he's not looking at either of them, afraid he'll want comfort from the ones that his heart still sees as his safe space.
"riki, please..." heeseung is crying as well, riki thinks is unfair how he manages to still be the prettiest boy even while tears flow restlessly through his cheeks.
"if i have anything in here, please text me and i'll ask sunoo hyung to pick them up for me." he cuts him off, frantically putting on his sneakers that rested beside heeseung's. he took them off for me when he carried me inside. his eyes well up again and he allows himself a moment of weakness to look up at heeseung, there's so much regret in his eyes. riki looks away quickly, still not used to mask the love inside his own.
"bye hyungs, feel free to do whatever you want now that i won't be here" he says and he sounds so small and shaky as he rushes to the front door.
"riki, don't leave please, it's raining. riki!" heeseung sounds so desperate as he chases after him, but the youngest has always been faster, managing to close the elevator doors just as his heeseung was face to face with him.
riki exhales and takes a moment to digest what happened, everything coming back to him with the force of a train that makes him fall to the ground and wail. he's sure everyone in the building must've heard him, he doesn't care. he feels pain all over his body and he had never understood why people described heartbreak with physical pain but his chest hurts so bad he wants to reach inside and soothe his bleeding heart back to calmness
he doesn't hear the elevator dinging nor does he hear his name being called out and footsteps nearing him. i wasn't enough, he thinks, if i was better, maybe he would've stayed. riki knows this isn't true, if it was this easy for heeseung to do what he did, he would've done it eventually no matter what riki did to try and prevent it. but he can't help feel insecure, heeseung did leave him for the one riki looked up to the most.
his own sobs are so loud that they drown out any foreign sounds, which explains why he startled so hard when he felt a gentle pair of hands falling on his shoulders. riki gasps and scrambles away, his back hitting the metallic wall.
"it's only me riki. are you okay, boy?" the sweet man's voice does its job at calming the young one, and he feels even more hot tears fall to his cheeks as he launches forward to the man's arms, desperately searching for the warmth he would normally look in someone else.
"shh, it's okay, come here" he whispers, riki's heartbeat slowing back down, the rubbing on his back doing its job at grounding him. he feels himself being picked up and he has half a mind to wrap his body around the man like a baby koala; the feeling reminding him of his dad and how much he misses him.
he's put down in a firm yet soft couch and he lets out a whine, cuddles have always been his favorite form of comfort.
"listen to me, riki. you're in the staff's break room, okay? i'm gonna call my grandson who lives nearby so he can get you home, alright? do you understand?" the boy feels tears on his cheeks again, or maybe they didn't stop. he feels softness around his chest.
"thank you, pop"
the sweet man stays with him for a few minutes, playing with riki's hair and answering all the questions he had about his youth, or his children. riki feels so grateful to not have to spend this time alone.
"um... sir" riki's voice is hoarse and quiet, he's certain that his throat will hurt the next day.
the old man just hums, one of his hands laying on top of riki's head, caressing softly, while the other was busy with his phone, his brows furrowing in concentration as he maneuvers through the messaging apps with only his left hand.
"could you... um. if heeseung asks about me, could you not tell him anything.. ? just that i'm alright?"
the hand on his hair falters for a moment, but it goes back at it in no time, effectively making the young boy close his eyes.
"of course, riki"
i have to call my dad. riki makes a mental note as the man informs him that his grandson is waiting for him outside, asking him if he has a jacket and urging him to grab an umbrella from the many laying around in the corner of the room.
riki takes one that looks just like the one heeseung has at home.
he hugs the man goodbye and allows himself to bask in the wave of comfort it brings him, whispering hundreds of small thank yous and smiling at the laugh that bubbles out of the man's chest.
riki bows as he leaves the room just after giving the other his number so the older man can know how riki is doing. they won't be seeing each other for quite a bit, after all.
he leaves the building in a hurry, practically running as if to avoid something (someone) he isn't ready to see. he doesn't dwell on it too much lest the tears leave his eyes faster than he can realize.
the car waiting for him outside is small and pale yellow. now, riki doesn't know much about cars but he wouldn't mind owning one identical to this one.
the boy opens the red umbrella and walks towards the passenger side, leaning down to let the other know he's there; the window rolls down and riki gets whiplash at the sight in front of him.
the young man in front of him is barefaced, and his skin is so flawless that it appears to be glowing under the moonlight and the occasional lighting flash. he has a birthmark in the corner of his eye yet it only adds to the beauty of it all; he introduces himself as yeosang, and with a soft reassuring smile, unlocks the car.
"i'm assuming you're riki, right? hurry and get in, you might get sick with how cold it is"
riki obeys and gets into the passenger side, shaking off the excess water on the umbrella before closing the door and securing the seatbelt. he flushes at the few droplets of water that spill onto the nice, clean floor of the car. he tries to tilt it in a way that allows the water to fall on himself instead, but ends up bumping the handle of the umbrella on the window, the sound almost echoing mockingly in riki's ears.
yet the laugh that comes after makes it almost seem worth it. it's not a calm, collected laugh by any means; it's huge and loud and it makes yeosang's entire body shake with joy. riki feels a soft laugh bubbling up his chest and he doesn't stop it, letting it out his lips in a soothing melody.
"don't worry about it riki-ah. it's water, isn't it? it'll just dry down"
riki smiles and they fall into a comfortable conversation after that, only interrupting it when yeosang needs directions. riki doesn't worry about the water that keeps dropping.
●●●
when they arrive to the dorms, riki's teeth take his bottom lip like a chewing toy, a dreading feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. he wants to leave and forget about everything.
yeosang must have noticed his change of mood, as he feels an encouraging hand on his shoulder.
"hyung, i don't wanna get in" yeosang grimaces, he doesn't understand why would anyone do such a thing and to a boy like riki, nothing less. he pats the younger's head a few times.
"you got this, riki. i'll stay here for a few minutes if you'd like. i could drive you to a hotel or take you to my place, i'm sure my roommate wouldn't mind me sleeping on his bed tonight" riki giggles, feeling like a weight lifted from his shoulders.
"and if you're not completely comfortable with that, i could just drive you back to the building so that you can crash at the staff's break room"
"thanks, hyung"
with a final exhale, riki gets out of the car.
it's quiet and dark when riki opens the front door of the dorms, so he does his best to not make noise as to not wake up his hyungs.
he makes his way to the kitchen in careful, slow steps; his half eaten bowl of cereal has since disappeared and he assumes sunoo washed it in his attempt to stay calm.
his phone, however, still rests on top of the counter, and he takes it in his hands without second thought, he tries to convince himself it wasn't because he hoped to receive a specific text.
he sees the dozens of missing calls from jake and heeseung and immediately regrets it, putting down the device, accidentally waking the 4 men tangled in the living room's couch.
"riki!" he hears sunoo first, and riki swore he didn't have any more tears but seeing his hyung, who had so much relief and love in his eyes, made his own water in no time.
"hyung..." his voice is quiet, but it's enough for sunoo to drop the blanket and (riki's) teddy bear to run towards the boy, taking him in a crushing hug, it leaves riki breathless but he wouldn't have it any other way.
"i'm sorry riki, i'm so sorry my baby. oh god, i love you so much don't you dare run away like that ever again! i was so worried"
riki laughs, sincerely and sweetly; it makes the the rest of his hyungs exhale, finally at ease now that their youngest is back home safely.
"i love you too, hyungs. all of you"
they waste no time in running towards riki too, squeezing and telling him how worried they all were, and how much they love him.
heartbreak is a bitch, and nothing about the one riki is experiencing is any easier, he's young and inexperienced still; but he has his hyungs, and he feels safe in their arms.
maybe with their help, riki could find it in himself to forgive the two that are missing in their group hug. riki doesn't think he's ready yet.
they detach themselves from the youngest one by one, jungwon clinging to him a little longer than everyone else. he's the leader, after all; and he didn't live up to the title.
jungwon apologizes profusely, going as far as following riki to their room when he went to change to his pajamas. riki giggles, his hyung had never been this cute.
"hyung, really. it's fine, i'm fine now" riki says with a laugh, and that would be enough if it were any other situation, but jungwon's set on showing riki how much he regrets it.
"i really am sorry, riki-ah. i failed to care for your feelings and neglected you until we couldn't find you. i promise it won't happen again, i'll be extra careful from now on"
jungwon's eyes shine so prettily in a sea of honesty and love, riki feels like melting into them. so he pulls his hyung into a crushing hug, wrapping his far too long limbs around the leader, who does his best to hold him tight enough to not drop him.
they fall on jungwon's bed and pulling the covers over themselves, they cuddle closer to each other. riki's heart feels pure peace for the first time in the night.
he calls out for his hyung who answers with a hum while he strokes the younger's hair.
"am i totally wrong for not being able to forgive either of them yet?"
jungwon's heart crushes at the words, and he feels selfish when he finds himself thinking he could treat riki better than anyone else.
"of course not, riki. you can take as long as you need to forgive them sincerely; hell, there's a chance that a part of you won't be able to forget it at all" jungwon doesn't stop playing with the taller's hair, his other hand resting on riki's back.
"and that's okay, what they did to you... well, i won't talk about it too much but i can't imagine it's easy to forget, specially because it's this recent"
riki nuzzles closer to the leader's neck, holding him tighter in his best attempt to chase all the warmth he can find. jungwon only smiles softly and lets the other do as he pleases.
jungwon would gladly let riki do anything if it meant he could be happy, if only for a moment. he allows himself another moment of selfishness to hope riki could find happiness with him.
they fall asleep in each other's arms, jungwon's heart chained to the younger's hand, struggling to keep beating.