Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dani had never really liked these parties. If she was being completely honest, she loathed these parties. Not only because you could count the number of women present on just two hands, but also because of her boyfriend and his gaggle of friends. It was always a competition of who could get messy-drunk the fastest, which always ended up with Christian talking about this one girl in his Anthro 1040 lecture with “the greatest rack ever”. It was always something like this when Dani was in earshot.

But Dani knew she would never say anything. She would keep nursing this beer on this stained Ikea couch and acting as if she couldn’t hear. Because she knew what would happen if she left Christian. She would be alone, and that upset her more than any rant he could formulate. So she’d keep staring at the fern in the corner of the living room amongst a sea of strangers until Christian got bored or sick.

“I’m telling you, man, it’s like she gets off on hearing this shit! Any normal girl would freak out by now.” Mark’s hushed whisper got her attention. “I don’t know, maybe she’s just in her head. Her sister’s been getting to her lately. Been acting more psycho than usual.” Dani carefully looked over to the circle of men with just her eyes. She wanted to hear more of this. Was she really torturing herself right now? Maybe she deserved it. Who knows.

Mark had ducked his head, face looking confused and almost...annoyed? Christian looked down at his sneakers and picked at the labeling of the beer. “Dude, this obviously isn’t working. You gotta try something more extreme. Start talking about how you asked for the chick’s number or something.”                                                                                                                          

“But I didn’t.”

“Who cares! She’ll be pissed. That’s all that matters.”

Josh looked to the ceiling and let out a judgemental sigh. “Okay or, and really hear me out with this one: just talk to her. Tell her that you want out and move on from this. Your thesis is coming up and that’s what you should be scheming about, not some childish avoidant style to get Dani to dump you.”

A pause overcame the group and Dani looked away. Small tears stung her eyes, her face hot and cheeks burning. This happened every time, but hearing the details of their ruse was enough to push her closer to an edge. But she felt trapped on this couch. She couldn’t go to the bathroom to quietly break down and take another Ativan. She couldn’t go to the kitchen to hide her face in the fridge until her face cooled down. No. She was stuck here. If she got up now, it would be too suspicious. Christian knew her, whether he liked it or not, and would know that she heard something. So she was once again accepting her imprisonment on the couch.

“I’m not gonna make up a story about how I asked another girl out. Dani wouldn’t believe that anyways.” He was wrong. She would, without a shadow of a doubt.

“Pelle, what do you think?” There was a name Dani hadn’t heard before. Maybe once, but she couldn’t remember. She turned her eyes to the group again. There was a beat as he chose his words. “I think you should be honest. Dani is a nice girl, and she deserves at least that.”

He was brunette with long hair, almost down to his shoulders. He had blue eyes and a lilt to his voice; vaguely European. His beard was light but it suited him well. And Dani didn’t know whether to like him or despise him. He had said she was a nice girl who deserved honesty at least. Yet she wanted to slap him square in the face for even suggesting she and Christian split. Was he trying to ruin her life? How codependent did she sound right now?

The men still murmured about their plan, and she stared at Pelle in disbelief. She didn’t get this mad at Josh or Mark, but that was because Josh was saying it out of dismissal of the situation and Mark just wanted his clubbing buddy back. Pelle had no ulterior motives. He was speaking in plain truth.

It was then he looked away from the group and into Dani’s eyes, holding eye contact before looking back. She realized that he knew she was listening, probably for the whole thing. She immediately looked away and to her phone in her lap. This was so...awkward. No, this was more than that. This was weird; rude even. Pelle knew she was listening and didn’t even try to stop them. He wanted her to hear. But why? In what way was this his business?

She figured if she just kept scrolling through Facebook for five more minutes it would then be safe to get up. They had moved on by now, Mark discussing some new one night stand of his and Josh trying to veer the conversation to academics, to no avail. Christian just continued on with the rest of them as if nothing ever happened. But Pelle never spoke again. He laughed when appropriate and tried to look interested, but never contributed. He seemed to be here just to say he came. Join the club, Pelle.

Dani had finally gotten up, and when no one in their circle turned to say anything, she knew she had waited long enough. Her legs felt numb and disjointed, but not from the slight amount of alcohol in her system, the anti-anxiety meds she had taken hours before, or from her prolonged couch stay. Her emotions had been shot. Crying always made her feel tired and dissociative. She felt as if she was a marionette, only carried by the will of someone else. Because God knows that if it were up to her discretion she’d be a mess curled up on the living room floor. But instead, she opted for another drink.

She had already chosen her beer at this point, opting for a berry flavor. “Too girly” Christian had quipped at one point. She held her face in the light of the cold fridge just one more second before swinging the door shut. Behind the door was Christian, smiling awkwardly and scratching his neck.

“Hey, uh...me and the guys are gonna go grab some more beers for the party, you cool staying here for a bit?”

No. No, she most certainly wasn’t. She was already uncomfortable in this stranger’s apartment across town from hers. It was October and already freezing out, so it’s likely she couldn’t walk home if something happened, and she definitely didn’t have the cash for a taxi.

“Yea! Yea, um...I’ll be okay. Could you grab me a beer while your out?” Christian sucked in an unsure breath. “Uh...I can see what I can do, yea. Just a hard seltzer?” No. She liked her fruity beer, didn’t he know that? “Yea! That’s perfect.” He smiled again, lingering his eye contact. She blinked away from his gaze and wrung the fridge’s handle. He grabbed her by the shoulder very lightly. “Are you uh, are you sure you’re okay with me going?” Again, no. “Yea, yea of course it’s just um. No, don’t worry about it. I’ll figure out a cab situation if need be.” He sighed as if she had just spit poison at him. “Alright, alright, but just...promise me you won’t give me any shit about this later in the week?” She scoffed and folded her arms. “What are you talking about?” Christian prepared for a retort but stopped as he gauged the crowd around him. They hadn’t noticed their argument that was preparing to gear into action, but if they did it would be uncomfortable.

Dani didn’t feel like doing damage control with a bunch of strangers tonight. “Can we not do this, Dani?” “Yea. Let’s not do this. Just go ahead. I’ll see you later.” He rolled his eyes and turned to regroup with Mark and the rest. They all paid no mind to her, as if she was the overbearing mother of a friend who always had to ask permission to hang out.

Chapter Text

She had made her way to the spare bathroom as soon as they slipped past the door. She closed the door quickly but quietly and slid down with sobs. It was all very dramatic for Dani. But she didn’t care. The whole world could be watching right now and she wouldn’t care. This wasn’t a crying fit that would leave her feeling hungover after. No, this was crying with passion. Full of white-hot anger and unbridled rage. She was angry at her sister for being so neurotic, which in turn made her neurotic. She was mad at her parents for letting it all happen. She was mad at her landlord. She was mad at the guy she walked past on the street who bumped into her. But she was furious at her boyfriend. Furious at his friends. And lastly, furious at Pelle. For being so nonchalant, yet so attentive. For letting her hear every vile remark that came from Mark’s mouth, and every response from Christian. For letting her hear every pretentious one-off from Josh. And for having the gall to meet her stare right after, as if to say “Yea, this is what they talk about when they think you’re not listening.”

She was in silent hysterics at this point. Bunching her hair at the root with her fists, rocking slightly as she rested her chin on her knees. She had to breathe through her mouth just to fill her lungs. How pathetic.

Anger had turned to sadness now. Why did her family have to be this disjointed? Why did she have to be this way? Is that why Christian wants to egg her on? So when she would hypothetically dump him he couldn’t blame himself for her inevitable breakdown?

Two quick knocks interrupted her melodrama. She had forgotten to lock the door. She stood up from leaning against the door and grabbed the knob quickly just as it began to turn.

“It’s occupied.” Snot had begun to collect at her nose but she couldn’t sniffle. It would giveaway that she was crying, and that was more mortifying than anything. What happened to not caring if the whole world was watching?

“Dani, it’s Pelle, Christian’s friend.”

Speak and he shall appear, right?

She responded with her hand firmly on the knob. He had stopped trying to turn it open now.

“Oh, hi Pelle! I’m um, a little busy. Is everything okay?” She tried her best to feign content from the naturally occurring crack in the door.

“Yes, everything is fine. I actually was going to go out with Christian and everyone but decided to come back and check on you. You seemed upset before we left.”

Pelle seemed to have a knack for being observant.

“Oh, well, I appreciate it Pelle but I’m fine, really. Just some stuff with my sister. I’m sure Christian’s mentioned it.”

This time, Pelle paused. He lowered his voice to where she was sure only the two of them could hear. “Dani, forgive me if this is out of line but, I think we both know that isn’t what this is. May I come in?”

She would be mad at him if he wasn’t right. She looked to the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy, mouth downturned into a frown. Her hair was teased from her vice grip. She relaxed her hold on the knob and twisted it slightly. She opened it slowly to see Pelle standing at the entry, looking calm but almost worried. She didn’t like this feeling, as if she was a hurt puppy and he was here to rescue her.

She stood back to let him in, and he made his way to the edge of the bathtub, sitting down and looking at her. She cleared her throat awkwardly as the door shut, adjusting her sleeves and finger-combing her hair in spots. Something about being this close to him in such a vulnerable state made her feel like she was on display. She wanted to look her best.

Pelle was the one to break the tension. “Dani, I am so sorry for what you heard earlier this evening. I should’ve stopped them both. It was unfair to you. It is unfair to you.” Well, this certainly redeemed him some. He was de-escalating from the cold and unempathetic asshole she had decided he was. But something about this apology had made it worse. Now she had her boyfriend’s close friend pitying her. She liked it more when it was just her pitying herself.

She couldn’t help the floodgate that burst open. It was humiliating and again, pathetic. She didn’t even know this guy’s last name. She sat on the toilet lid and held her face in her hands. He didn’t say a word, just laid a hand on her back gently.

He was consoling her. She looked up through tears to see his face. She expected a sour face that called her embarrassing with just his eyes, just like Christian. But instead, he was gentle. He stared into her eyes and half-smiled. Was this not uncomfortable for him?

“I’m- I’m sorry. This must be so awkward for you and I’m a mess-”

“No, no. You have no need to apologize. I would be upset too, more than that. Someone that claims to love you should never hurt you. Especially not on purpose.” Her tears retracted into her eyes. She didn’t know how to respond to genuine empathy. It made her feel like her insides were made of helium, floating and bumping around.

“Thank you Pelle that...that means a lot.” She smiled and pushed her hair out of her face, sniffling. It wasn’t a lie. It did mean a lot. Very rarely did anyone ever call Christian out. If anything they judged her for not leaving him. Sometimes she judged herself too.

Pelle’s hand was still on her back, now rubbing small circles. She would be wrong if she didn’t admit it helped. It wasn’t often Christian held her, much less touched her. He would only do it if he knew there were people watching. Or if he we’re to get something more out of it.

She looked to Pelle once again. “Pelle I...I don’t know what I’m doing. In any regard. I feel so lost, so alone. I can’t help but feel like the world is pitted against me. And I don’t care if that makes me sound self-victimizing. I just can’t help it.”

His hand trailed up her back and to her shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “I know what you mean. When I was very young, I lost my parents to a fire. I felt very lost and utterly alone. But I didn’t have to feel this way for long because my family, they took me in. They didn’t allow me to feel so alone and pained, and for that, I am forever in their debt. I know someday you will have this experience too. With people that love you unconditionally and take in every part of you.” She scrunched up her face again and let a few tears slip. She longed for this family Pelle described. She wanted it more than anything.

They both sat in understanding silence for the next few minutes. Pelle never once gave any expression that he was uncomfortable or bored. He simply sat with her and rubbed her back, a simple gesture to let her know he was still there.

Dani had returned to somewhat level-headedness. She broke the silence with a swig from her beer. “This probably didn’t help tonight.” Pelle laughed under his breath, drinking from his too. She stood up from the toilet lid and looked into the mirror from the counter. Her hair was even more disheveled. She wanted to hide in a hole. Wipe Pelle’s memory of her ever looking like this from his brain.

“God, I’m a wreck. Sorry you had to witness my temper tantrum.” She was trying her hardest to make jokes, even at her own expense. No matter how understanding Pelle was, she still barely knew him. She began pawing at her matted hair. Her fingers weren’t going to cut it. Pelle appeared from behind her in the mirror. Dani's breath caught a little and a cold shock welled in her stomach. “Ah, here. Let me help.”

He grasped a few bunches of her hair on the crown of her head, gently detangling them piece by piece. He was methodical and gentle. It was a foreign concept to her. Dani looked around, almost like she was committing a crime.

“Sorry, is this too forward?” Pelle stopped his detangling. “No, no, I just. Christian, you know?” It wasn’t that she wanted to stop out of respect for Christian. That ship had sailed. She just knew he would turn red if he saw her like this with another man. He wasn’t particularly jealous, but it’s not as if this was an innocent looking situation.

Pelle made eye contact with Dani in the mirror.

“Christian, Mark, and Josh won’t be back for some time. They changed their mind from the liquor store to the pizza shop last minute. Did they not tell you?”

Of course they didn’t.

Dani just shook her head no. She had a suspicion Pelle already knew the answer, but asked in order to save her the embarrassment.

Without having to ask, Pelle resumed. Dani, motivated by her recent discovery, came up with a plan.

“Pelle, would it be easier if I sat down? That way you can see better?” He seemed to be oblivious to her plot. It’s not as if it was very apparent at this point. Dani made her way to the floor at the edge of the tub as Pelle took his previous seat. He moved to close his legs, but before he could she scooted in between them, resting gently against his body. Her head nearly rest against his lower abdomen. What are you doing? A small voice yelled at her in head. She silenced it before she could give it a second thought. Pelle didn’t pick up from where he left off immediately. He waited, and the knowing of Dani’s actions hung in the air. Dani could’ve sworn she felt his eyes lasering into the top of her head. Why not push it farther?

“Is everything alright?” Dani asked with near-genuine concern.

“Yea, yea. Sorry, just thought I felt my phone vibrate.”

No you didn’t, Pelle.

Chapter Text

Pelle began manipulating her hair strands again, and Dani took this opportunity to get to know him. “So, you mentioned a family. Where’re you from?” 

“Sweden. To be more specific, a village in a smaller area four hours from Stockholm; Hälsingland” Dani was shocked.

“Wow, that far? It must be pretty remote, yea?” Pelle laughed. “Yes, very. In fact, before my pilgrimage, I never had a phone. Just a TV me and the others shared. Everything else was very traditional.” 

“Kind of like the Amish?” Dani joked. Pelle chuckled again. “Very much so. We as well are very attached to our religion. We believe in being one with nature and humanity. Our whole lives rely on the outdoors and each other.” Dani found it to be very whimsical. Like a fairytale almost. 

“That sounds amazing. I can imagine how different this all must be.” Pelle changed to a tone of longing. “It is. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss my community. We were all very close.” Dani knew that feeling. She had missed Terri. Her most recent episode had made her want to isolate even more. Phone calls and texts became a thing of the past.

 “So, a big family huh? How many siblings do you have?”

 “Too many to count. While they may not be related to me in blood, spiritually we are all brothers and sisters. I know it must seem very strange.”

“Believe me, it sounds a lot more interesting than the majority of people’s life stories. I’m jealous of how peaceful it sounds.”

 Pelle had begun working on the final knot. “It has its moments, trust me. But yes, for the most part, it is very relaxing. We learn many ways to calm each other. I can show you one now, in fact.”

Dani smiled. “I’m intrigued.” 

Without speaking, Pelle divided Dani’s hair into three sections. “This is a little bizarre, but we are encouraged to braid each other’s hair. It’s a way to have a conversation without it being so direct.” 

Dani couldn’t argue, it seemed to be working. 

Pelle made quick work of her blonde hair, gently twisting and turning it. He tied the end pieces into a culmination at her shoulders, placing it over her right shoulder. Dani stood from her seated position in between Pelle, too distracted to remember her plan. She gawked in the mirror. “Pelle, this is beautiful! How did you learn to do this?” She prodded her hair gently, afraid that if she touched it, it would break like glass. “Lots of practice.” He stood next to her, but this time with distance. It was like he was admiring a piece of art. The thought sounded narcissistic in Dani’s head.

“Pelle I...thank you. Really. You don’t know how much your company means to me tonight.” 

Pelle approached her, adjusting a loose strand behind her ear. Her big idea came back to her now.

Oh God, was she really going to do this?

Yes, she was. Forget anyone who protested against her happiness. Even that nagging voice in her head full of anxiety and judgment. She looked from his wrist which was at her temple, to his eyes, to his mouth, and back to his eyes again. She began to lean in, edging to her tippy toes to reach his mouth. He flitted his tongue over his lips and reached to meet her halfway.

It was then they kissed. It was brief and quick, like a whisper. No going back now. Dani made a move to go back in, this time more fervent and passionate. She had gotten the okay from Pelle; from herself even. 

He grabbed her shoulders.

“Dani...no. I- we can’t do this.”

What?

The blood drained from her face, replaced by static. What had she done? He was going to tell Christian. He’d be back any minute now. If not Pelle, it would be the party-goers outside the bathroom. How long had they been in here? From an outside perspective, it was suspicious. And they’d be right. She had cheated. “Oh Pelle, I’m- I am so sorry. I don’t know what happened and-” “No, believe me, I want to. Trust me, I want this more than anything. But it isn’t the right time. You are so beautiful and I want to show that to you, but not here. Not now.”

What was that supposed to mean? He was so cryptic with his explanation. But Dani was too mortified to ask. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I need to settle things with Christian first. It wouldn’t be okay if I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I want this to happen. But not just yet.”

Dani nodded. She would try to understand. 

An awkward silence had formed between them. A buzz called out from Pelle’s pocket. She was close enough to hear that and more. She could hear his shallow breaths and her own thrumming heart. She relaxed back down to the bottoms of her feet, scratching her neck and looking everywhere but at Pelle as he read the notification on his phone. 

“Christian and the rest are coming up the stairwell. I think we should go back out to the party.” 

“Yea, yea, that probably best. Hey, Pelle?”

He looked down into her eyes, searching as if she was the most important person.

“Can you...can you not tell Christian? About what I did?”

Pelle smiled, this time amused and vaguely smug. He simply pinched his pointer and thumb, drawing a line over his lips and turning his fingers like a key.

Dani couldn’t help but return his smile. They left the bathroom together and reentered the busy party. Despite how long they were in there, Dani felt like the world had paused and she just pressed play.

“Look what I got!” Christian gave Dani a Whiteclaw from behind her as she stood amongst the crowd in the living room. “Wow, thank you!” She gave him a very brief hug. It felt like a chore to touch him now. “I didn’t know they sold these individually at the liquor store. How’d you manage that?”

“I uh, guess I got lucky.” Christian floundered. She had caught him in his lie, and it felt so good. Christian turned to Josh, clinking drinks with him. She stomached the vile booze and gave a very curt look to Pelle, who barely smiled. Just enough for her to notice. Christian turned his attention to Dani again, which was rare. He picked up her braid off her shoulder. He was trying to cover from his ridiculously long absence, which she would be mad about normally.

“Wow, look at you! Where’d you learn to braid like this?”

“Oh, I dunno, just something Mom taught me when I was little. My hair was looking a bit drastic so I tied it back.”

“Well, it suits you.” Only when he felt guilty did he overcompensate like this. She sipped from her seltzer.

Josh furrowed a brow. “It’s funny, that looks exactly like a traditional Swedish braid we studied in my anthro class last year. Very difficult to learn, trust me.” Dani felt the familiar coldness in her stomach as she tingled with nervousness.

“Wasn’t that a girl’s class? All about fashion and makeup and shit?”

“Not if you’re a grown man trying to get his Ph.D., Christian.”

Pelle donned a smug grin once more.

Chapter Text

It had been weeks since the party, and Dani had almost completely forgotten it. Almost. There were nights when she felt particularly alone that she remembered Pelle’s hand on her back, his gentle grasp on her hair as she settled in the space between his legs. Some nights she had imagined more. And then she’d catch herself sliding a hand past the waistband of her pajama bottoms. It was then she had to force herself to go to sleep.

“Was it really cheating if she had just caught her boyfriend planning their breakup an hour before?” She’d ask herself. The conclusion still wasn’t clear. She was leaning towards no.

She’d chalked it up to impulsive behavior. Acting out of emotional vulnerability and loneliness. That felt like the easiest way to ignore it.

But the effects still lingered. Christian’s touch still felt repulsive and unwanted. Before she had longed for him to touch her, to want her again the way he did in the first few months. But now she was thankful he didn’t hug her anymore. Once you taste something better it’s hard to settle again.

But Pelle hadn’t talked to her since then, sticking to formalities and polite smiles. 

She had to admit that it stung. It hurt to feel like a stranger again when they shared such an intimate night. But she knew it was the safest option. Acting like newfound friends after a night where Christian left but Pelle stayed? No way. They’d be too obvious.

So maybe Pelle was just being cautious. Maybe he wanted more just like Dani, but suppressed himself to save face. Why did she want this? Why did she want him to chase after her like she wanted to chase him? More importantly, why didn’t she just dump Christian already?

It had been days since she had talked to Christian. He was his typical cold and distant self, only interested if he was horny. It was like she was a toy for him, one that he could lock away in a box when he had better things to attend to. 

She decided to do something about it. Reach out until he had no choice but to acknowledge her. 

“Hey!” She texted. Floating dots appeared immediately.

“Yea?” He asked. So bothered, like she was an incessant kid.

“Just wanted to check-in. See how you’re doing. Any fun plans for tonight?”

He typed, then stopped, then began again.

“Just watching a movie at my place tonight with the guys.”

No more ignoring me

“Sounds fun! Would you mind if I joined?”

There was a long wait before he responded.

“Uh, no I guess I wouldn't mind.”

“Thanks! Won’t get in the way, promise.”

Why was it that she always felt like a liability after talking to him?

She had caught herself actually trying when getting ready this time. Most times she went to Christian’s she came in what she slept in the night before. This time was different. She curled her hair, did her makeup. She wanted to look good. She wanted to be appealing. 

She knew why. It wasn’t for Christian.

She felt like she was sixteen again. 

Dani rang the buzzer and waited for the door to open. She figured showing up early would allow the tension to settle before anyone else made it over.

“Hey.” Christian greeted nonchalantly. No remark about how good she looked? Dani couldn’t say she was shocked. She sat her purse down on the counter.

“Hey! So...what movie did you decide on?”

Christian perused his DVD collection aimlessly. “We just chose The Godfather. Pelle’s never seen it so that settled it.”

His name made her stomach twist. She didn’t want him to have this effect on her. If this is what happened when she just heard his name, she could only imagine what sitting in the same room as him would do. 

“Sounds good! It’s a classic, I can’t imagine why he hasn’t seen it.”

“Yea, it’s kind of weird. Guess that’s what happens when you grow up on a hippie farm in Sweden.” 

Christian sat down on the couch, scrolling through his phone until others started showing up. Dani felt compelled to sit next to him instead of awkwardly standing at the counter. 

She had been mindlessly reading an article when she felt his hand riding up her skirt. It was calloused and rough. There was no gentleness or build-up. Christian rushed through most of the motions by this point in the relationship. 

“Oh, um…” she trailed flatly. Dani never knew how to act in these situations. It never felt natural.

“They won’t be here for another twenty minutes.” Christian tried to whisper seductively. It was more so creepy to Dani.

He worked at the button of her skirt while kissing her neck. Dani froze like a sitting duck. Christian moved her underwear to the side, rubbing all the wrong parts. 

This was a disaster.

“Chrisitan, really, I’m not in the mood.”

He stopped his charade and huffed in frustration. He removed his hand from her crotch and returned to his corner of the couch. He threw the remote down on the coffee table, standing up to leave. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

“Christian, wait. I’m sorry-” She was cut off by a door slamming towards the back of the apartment.

Again, a total disaster. 

Dani buttoned her skirt back together and adjusted her sweater. Her idea of letting tension settle felt doused in irony now. Christian returned to the living room just as the first buzzer set off. The door opened, allowing Josh in.

“Hey man, how’re you doing?” 

Josh made his way in, chatting aimlessly about some brutal lecture from last week.

“Speaking of which, I have to peer review a paper so I’ll be more focused on my laptop. Hope that’s okay.” Typical Josh, opting for classwork over anything else. 

“Of course dude, ‘s not like we haven’t seen it before.” Christian walked to the kitchen, searching for some beers no doubt.

Dani cleared her throat. “So, anything interesting in the paper?” She was going to at least try to not be a fly on the wall. 

Josh looked up from his screen. “Besides a lot of grammatical errors, not really. It’s just an intro class I’m helping one of my professors out with. Doesn’t pay but hopefully looks good on a resume.”

“Oh, well congratulations! That must be nice.”

Josh nodded and smiled politely before returning to his work. She wasn’t surprised. Josh was the most motivated out of the four men. 

The buzzer rang within another ten minutes. This was the moment that counted. Pelle had ridden over with Mark. Dani couldn’t help but wonder if she should reapply lipstick really quick. 

Mark made a hurried entry, only nodding at Dani and quickly greeting Christian before making quick work of the kitchen in search of a beer. 

Dani began to peel and pick at the skin around her nails. Her insides squirmed.

“Pelle! What’s up, man?”

Dani barely had time to stop herself before she instinctively looked up to the door. Pelle casually embraced Christian as he said hello before taking a beer from Mark, who sat at the end couch next to the seat Josh occupied. Chrisitan began preparing the movie. 

Pelle met Dani’s gaze. “Dani! I’m so glad you could make it. How have you been?”

She froze before collecting herself. She just needed to get out of her head, that’s all.

“Hey! Yea, I’ve been good! Just taking it easy. How about yourself?” 

Pelle walked over to the couch, sitting right next to Dani. Oh. Oh. This was going better than she planned. He leaned back casually, opposed to her nervous seat on the edge of the couch. 

“I’ve been good, just trying to relax after midterms.” 

Dani laughed nervously, “Oh, yea. Me too. Hopefully finals will be easier.”

“Yea, well, don’t jinx it, right?” Pelle smiled warmly at her, but never broke his eye contact. This was different from the last few times they had been together after the party. This was the same Pelle she remembered.

Dani relaxed back into the couch as the movie started. She couldn’t focus on the plot, obsessed with the two inches that sat between her and Pelle.

They were halfway through, and most were at least tipsy at this point. Mark laughed loudly at parts that weren’t even funny and Christian was loudly exclaiming at every plot turn, despite this being his 5th rewatch. Josh had decided to leave forty-five minutes in, arguing that he couldn’t concentrate unless it was quiet. Pelle had been paying attention, but his eyes were glazed over. Dani had been taking glances at him from the corner of her eye all night, just appreciating him. She didn’t want to admit what she was doing, but she was most definitely checking him out. 

She should be embarrassed. Instead, she didn’t seem to care. No one could see her right now except for Pelle himself. When she wasn’t looking at him she was playing with the sleeves of her pink sweater or scrolling through her phone. 

Gunshots rang from the movie, and Dani jumped a bit. Pelle looked down at her, lightly laughing. She met his eyes as her cheeks flushed. She was embarrassed, but not ashamed. Maybe he’d think it was cute. 

The final scene played across the screen, music crescendoing. Dani had nearly fallen asleep, and her eyes itched. She quickly thought about pretending to be asleep just so she could enjoy this moment with Pelle for a few more minutes. She decided to rather sit up slowly to see who hadn’t drunkenly passed out yet. 

Mark had fallen asleep, mouth open and head leaned back on the couch. His hand was still resting on the armrest, nursing a beer that had fully wet the cushion from condensation. Mark had no chance of driving home at this point. Christian was passed out as well, but a lot lighter than Mark. He had fully tucked himself into his own arm, curled into the crevice of the middle couch cushion. A certain maternal instinct took over Dani. Or maybe she just pitied them.

She quietly got up, taking Mark’s drink out of his hand and picking up the empty bottles on the coffee table. She felt proud of herself, and yet a little disappointed. Proud of herself for being the bigger person and cleaning up a mess that wasn’t hers, but disappointed for being so nice to two people who seemed to have zero inclination towards basic decency to her. She knew neither Mark or even her boyfriend would do this for her, so why was she doing this for them? She couldn’t seem to find the answer within herself. At this point, she just wanted to go to bed.

She returned from the kitchen, pulling her hair behind her ears. She looked up to see Pelle, awake and smiling politely. She jumped a bit.

“Oh shit, sorry. Did I wake you up?”

“No, no, I didn’t fall asleep to begin with.”

Dani laughed awkwardly. He still made her nervous, despite how warm he was to her. “Well, I hope the movie was as good as you hoped. I remember Christian mentioning you had never seen it before.”

Pelle nodded. “It was alright. I was thinking about heading back early, but Mark got a little uh…drunk.”

“Only a little?” Dani teased

“Well, maybe a bit more than that.” Pelle chuckled. He seemed to find her funny.

Dani was horrendously desperate to spend as much time around Pelle as possible, and she wanted to ensure she could see him as much as possible before he left. She wasn’t sure if she’d get another opportunity like this.

“You could always stay here for the night. I mean, it’s just that Christian has a guest room that I sometimes use but it’s big enough for you and Mark, I’m sure.”

“That’s very nice of you. I actually don’t have cash for a taxi, so that works out.”

Wait, that worked? Dani was sure he’d say no. And then she would spend the whole night embarrassed. 

“Oh okay, well that’s great! I mean, I’m just glad you won’t have to go out and flag a taxi down at” Dani checked her phone, ”One AM.” 

Dani noticed at that moment that she had been standing uncomfortably at the kitchen counter, staring Pelle down for the whole conversation. If he made her feel so seen, so cared for, why was she so nervous around him? It was like a war in her head, one side wanting to trust him no matter what, and the other wanting to hide from him forever. 

Pelle looked up at her. “Well, we should uh, probably wake them up, no?”

“Yea, yea definitely. I think Mark would kill us in the morning if we didn’t.”

Chapter Text

Dani had made it to bed with Christian. Mark and Pelle were already in the guest room, probably asleep. Dani sat on the edge of Christian’s bed, facing the wall as he slept loudly. 

She couldn’t help but think about Pelle. About how peacefully he was sleeping by now. Maybe he slept with his mouth slightly open, eyes fluttering shut. Maybe he buried his head under the pillow. Maybe he slept on his side.

Dani felt like a creep. If someone thought about her this way, she wouldn’t be flattered at all. She’d be more likely to get the cops involved if anything. 

But it was like she was out of control. Every thought she had tonight was in some way coming back to Pelle. She knew it was bad. She tried to say it was just her brain distracting herself from the real problem at hand. Christian. 

She looked behind her shoulder at his sleeping figure. Tidal waves of discomfort and repulsion filled her. She constantly ebbed from disgust to fear. Disgusted by him and how his touch now felt foreign, but fear that she will be left alone to defend only herself at one point or another. 

She laid on top of the comforter, lights out and moonlight coming through the room. Her mind was on one track now. She contemplated how life would be on her own. 

Coming home to an empty apartment, heating up leftovers, and letting the news play on the TV. She would go to bed on her usual empty queen-size mattress and prepare for classes the next day. 

Dani realized not much would change. She already lived as a single woman; the only thing that was different was that she occasionally texted a man who she claimed to love. 

But she didn’t love Christian anymore. She loved the idea of having company. The idea that someone would hold her if she asked nicely. But as she stared at his drunken state, she realized even that was no longer an option. She didn’t want to ask nicely anymore. She only did so because she felt like she had to. No longer was she delaying the inevitable. Rather, the inevitable was already here. She was already alone. She was just playing the part, avoiding pulling the thorn out of the paw. 

Dani was always bad at confrontation. She could break up with him in the morning. But maybe she’d need a couple of shots first. 

Dani didn’t feel sad anymore somehow. She felt lighter, like she was on the Moon. Gravity felt nonexistent. 

She thought of the good times she and Christian had, the times where they’d go out to dinner or fall asleep watching a movie on her couch. And then she remembered that was four years ago. 

How had she let herself be treated like this? Treated like an obligation for so many years? She knew she was better than that. She wasn’t the neurotic clingy girlfriend that he made her out to be. She was the girlfriend that was trying to salvage a sinking ship all by herself. And of course, that would make her seem crazy. Because to everyone else, it was a lost cause. There was no way she could fix it, but for years she was sure she could. 

She couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed. How long had she been in denial, working so hard to doctor an unhealable wound? 

Dani knew how many “ I didn’t want to say anything but I'm glad you got out of there” conversations she’d have to endure. And that was going to be worse than the actual breakup itself. 

Acceptance settled in Dani’s sternum like sand. It was heavy, but she would be okay. She’d learn to be okay. But all she wanted right now was to get out of this room. Being within a yard of Christian was suffocating her more than usual. 

The kitchen was quiet and deafening. The fluorescent light overhead felt like Dani was being watched. By who or what, she didn’t know. She sat on the cold counter next to the fridge, taking the occasional sip from her glass of water.

 Maybe she should leave for the night. How morally acceptable is it to sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend before dumping him in the morning? All while wearing his old shirt nonetheless. But there was something keeping her at the apartment, despite almost everyone there being in opposition of her.

The same yearning brewed inside her. How easier this would be if there was someone to hug her, to tell her she’d be alright in the end. Dani figured she’d have to play that role herself. It was a one-woman show; playing the role of the hurt girl and the savior. 

“Do you know if Christian has any Advil?” 

The glass nearly dropped from Dani’s hand. Pelle stood at the threshold of the kitchen, in a shirt and boxers, hair unkempt and eyes red. He must not be able to sleep.

“I um, I think so yea. It’s just right above the stove in the cabinet.” 

Pelle walked over to where Dani was. Dani’s heart thrumming with each step he took near her. She felt exposed, being caught in only a large shirt and her underwear, but Pelle was just the same. 

He reached for the pill bottle. Dani snuck a look up at Pelle, who was looking at her as he came back down and opened the bottle. She quickly looked away, feeling guilty for some reason. 

“Are you okay? It’s quite late isn’t it?” Pelle looked at her as he took two of the red pills out. 

Dani smiled, lips upturned slightly. “Yea I’m okay, just thinking. You know we keep meeting like this, right?”

Pelle looked up, “Like what?”

Dani chuckled through her sentence initially, ”Well you know. Like, I’m in some emotional distress, and you come in and make me feel better.”

There was a note as Pelle looked at her, analyzing her with squinted eyes. “So, like someone comforting you? A friend?”

There was a sour tone in the air now.

“When you put it that way it makes me sound a bit sad.”

“Well, are you not? You seem to have been crying.”

Dani’s smile left her face. 

“I’m sorry that- that came out wrong. Forgive me.”

Well, he wasn’t necessarily wrong.

“Yea, maybe a little.” She said in a softer tone.

Pelle hung his head. He looked genuinely sorry. “Do you uh…do you want to talk about it?”

Dani wrung her fingers anxiously. “Um,” There was a pause as she zoned out, focusing on the wall in front of her. “I think I’m going to break up with Christian. In the morning.”

Pelle’s eyes widened slightly, alongside his brows. He seemed surprised. Like he’d never see the day coming. Dani wasn’t shocked by his reaction. 

“Wow that’s…I’m so sorry.” 

“Don’t be. It was a long time coming. I guess I just convinced myself that I could fix it all on my own, which is naive, I know. But it’s like…now I can’t even be around him. Every time I look at him or speak to him, I feel repulsed. But, I was too scared to be alone so I kept putting it off until I realized that…I guess I just realized I was already kind of alone, so how different can it be?”

He nodded along. “If you don’t mind me asking, what changed?”

“What do you mean?”

“What made you change how you see him?”

Dani swallowed thickly, now making direct eye contact with Pelle. “I don’t know.” 

Dani knew. and Pelle knew that she did. 

A blanket of tension draped over them. Pelle stepped to his right, now directly in front of Dani. Her heart was fighting its way out of her rib cage, mouth dry and hands going cold.

“You have nothing to be afraid of.” Pelle was only a foot away from her face, eyes looking to hers. But she couldn’t meet his. She could only stare at the wrinkled white undershirt he wore. Dani chose her next words carefully. She was in an emotional minefield, like any wrong word could be her last spoken to Pelle. Like he would disappear from in front of her.

She spoke slowly, her voice hushed and toeing the line of a whisper. “Do you remember how you said it wasn’t the right time? Back at that party?” 

Pelle didn’t respond. He just kept looking at her, listening to every word from her mouth with such intensity. It was like he worshiped every thought she had. No one had ever given her that much respect. That much care and adoration. 

“What if right now is the right time? Because…I feel like it is. Pelle, I’ve never had someone make me act this way. You care so much and I don’t know why but, whenever you talk to me I feel seen. I feel cared for.” 

Pelle gathered his thoughts as he eyed her face. He looked to her mouth, her cheeks, her hair. 

“Dani, I have been of the belief that you deserve so much more than what you’ve been given, especially from Christian. You deserve someone who sees every part of you. Who can take you in and keep you safe.”

 Pelle took her hand in both of his, fully enveloping it, as if he was saying a silent prayer. “I could do that for you.” He finished, barely above a whisper. 

Dani looked up, now meeting his eyes. He looked at her with care and worship, never breaking contact. She felt like a servant of God himself in Pelle’s eyes, unable to do wrong or be wrong. She had never felt this way before. She would never feel this way again.

Dani leaned in, desperate to kiss him. Pelle didn’t move in, as if he wanted to make sure she was absolutely certain of the gesture. Dani met his lips, just as soft and warm as they were the last time. However, this wasn’t the secret and impulsive kiss they shared before. No, this was a kiss of adoration, pure and methodical. Dani kissed with a yearning she had never felt.

Pelle turned his head, deepening the kiss. Dani reached her hands to his jaw, rubbing her thumbs over the scruff. Pelle rested his hands on her hips, kneading and clenching her skin.

Dani had lost all sense of restraint and worry. Every embarrassing feeling or sense of modesty had left her. All she wanted was to be one with Pelle, to be connected with him in a way they hadn’t before. Heat bloomed in her pelvis, thrumming to the same rhythm of her heart. 

Dani rubbed the hem of Pelle’s shirt in between her fingers, lifting it over his shoulders and then his head.

Pelle’s chest stood bare before her. She studied it, rubbing her palm over the creases and pronouncements, gazing at his patch of chest hair that was nearly blonde. She settled her hand over his heart, which was beating almost as fast as hers. He was just as nervous, just as desperate to be with her. To be inside her. 

Dani kissed him again, but faster and more fervently. She nipped at his bottom lip, slightly digging her nails into his shoulders. 

Pelle moaned, softly but deep. Dani reached down to his boxers, where a defined curve could be felt. She wrapped her hand around it, lightly palming. He froze his lips momentarily as she continued, then moved to her neck, nipping and sucking a trail of hickies. 

Dani made her way past his waistband, reaching around him. Pelle gently grabbed her wrist and pulled her away from his boxers, looking up from her shoulder to meet her eyes again. “Are you sure?” 

“Yes.”

Pelle then made quick work of her shirt, leaving her exposed to the air and the cold. Pelle kissed her gently over the clavicle, then back up to her neck and eventually her ear. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered as he took her nipples between his thumb and pointer finger, rolling and flicking gently. Dani moaned herself this time, overwhelmed by the stimulation. The euphoria-dipped nerves shot straight to her groin with every manipulation Pelle made. She felt like she should be giving to Pelle, reciprocating in some way. She reached for his bulge again, trying to slip past his waistband. Pelle took her wrist once more, placing her hand back by her side. 

“You’re trying so hard to please me. Just let me take care of you.” 

Dani had never only received. Never been pleasured just to be doted on. It was almost awkward, leaving her feeling strange and unappreciative. Pelle resumed his ministrations on her breasts, kneading and tweaking while he left even more hickeys on her neck. There was something taboo about the fact that not only were they about to fuck on the other side of the wall from her soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend, but that Pelle took the time to mark her while doing so. Her breathing became heavier and the heat thrummed faster in her pelvis. She shuffled her thighs together just to find any semblance of relief, coated in her own wetness. 

Pelle must have noticed, moving his hands from her chest to her clit. He started slowly, only making contact from the outside through her underwear. His grueling pace drew out the most lewd sounds from in between Dani’s legs. Her head was in a fog and logic was thrown out the window. Christian could walk in any moment and she wouldn’t dare make Pelle stop. 

“Oh God, Pelle, please.” Dani wasn’t sure what she was asking for, but he seemed to understand. Quick giggles left both of them before he moved her underwear to her ankles. Dani kicked them to the side, almost under the fridge. 

Pelle resumed his circling on her clit, pressing harder and moving faster. Her breathing quickened now, nearly panting. Dani pressed her forehead to Pelle’s, brain fuzzy and body warm. She grabbed his wrist, moving him down to her entrance. He stopped what he was doing, smiling at Dani with the same coy and prideful smile he wore occasionally.

Instead of fulfilling Dani’s wish entirely, Pelle bent over, wrapping his hands around Dani’s hips from under her legs. It then dawned on Dani what he was about to do. She flushed pink and her stomach went cold and tingly. “Oh, you don't have to do- I mean it’s sweet but-” Pelle looked up from between Dani’s knees, ”Believe me, I want to. Unless you’re uncomfortable?” Dani thought for a moment, awkwardly brushing her bangs out of her face. “I just wouldn’t want you doing something that you don’t get anything from.” 

“Who says I wouldn’t be getting anything from it?” Dani laughed in shock.

Pelle moved further in between her legs. He began with one long lick, and the nerves that Dani held quickly detangled. She exhaled, sighing as her eyes closed. Pelle then pointed his tongue, moving in circles and other figures around her clit with quickened pace. Dani grabbed a hold of Pelle’s hair, tightening her grip instinctually and pulling. She wanted to move her hand back down to her side and apologize for potentially hurting him, but she didn’t. She didn’t feel the need to apologize or perform or service anyone. She just purely existed in this moment now. 

Pelle continued his focus on Dani, pressing his tongue down harder. Dani was nearly on the edge, literally and internally. She had made a mess of Christian’s counter, and Pelle sure wasn’t helping either. “Fuck, I’m close” she swore quietley. Pelle stopped abruptly, lifting his head from between Dani. She opened her eyes to see what was wrong, but only saw a more brutish and wild version of Pelle. His eyes were half open but filled with intensity as he breathed hard, face gleaning and damp from eating Dani out. He said nothing, only quickly and forcefully kissing Dani as his hands briefly explored her body again, pinching and squeezing occasionally. Dani got a taste of herself on his lips and tongue, and something about it turned her on even more. Her whole body was a pulsating mess at this point, baby hairs glued to her face and neck with sweat. Pelle removed his hands from Dani and to himself, pushing his boxers down and stepping out of them, never once breaking the kiss or dulling its intensity. Before Pelle could do it himself, Dani reached to him and began to stroke his cock, grabbing from the base and pushing the skin up to the top gently. 

Dani couldn’t help but break from his lips and open her eyes while getting him off. He was red and strained, slightly glistening from precum. She decided to regain some control. 

Dani spit into her palm. Pelle looked up to her eyes and his brows knit together in protest of her stopping. She wrapped her entire hand around his head, moving her palm in circles and gently squeezing while doing so. Pelle gently bucked his hips on instinct while single hard blink overtook his eyes. It was her turn to smile, not out of chagrin but rather from pride just like he had done so many times. She felt powerful; in control. She continued her movements, not slowing down at all for Pelle, looking up to his face. His eyes were now screwed shut in concentration and his brows still creased together. His mouth hung open ever-so-gently and his lips were red and plump. 

Pelle wrapped his hand around her wrist hard, stopping her. Dani stopped smiling. Had she gone too far? 

“Dani, please.”

It made sense now. She had gotten a little too power-hungry, nearly driving him to completion. She smiled again, more pride filling her. Instead of saying anything, she simply moved him in closer, aligning his cock with her and pushing his head into her pussy. Pelle did the rest, and Dani felt him fill her, stretching slightly to take him in. He bottomed out, taking deep and controlled breaths, trying not to ruin the experience too soon. Dani felt the familiar rush from her abdomen as his tip brushed her g-spot. He pecked her lips, rubbing his thumb over her cheek as he pulled back, setting a pace that was slow but caring. Dani sighed and wrapped her hands around his neck and her legs around his waist, grasping at his hair as if it was the only thing keeping her grounded to the Earth. Pelle kissed her quickly again, peppering kisses from her lips to her cheeks and to her nose. He had taken a break from his sensual and animalistic performances, showering her in reverence like before. Her body and mind had reached a synchronicity of warmth and love that was foreign to her, but Dani welcomed it with no hesitation. 

Dani got impatient soon, however, and wanted to be fucked harder. She herself felt overpowered by primal instincts, Id brain ruling her desires as she neared her climax. She moved her hands from his neck and under his arms, working her nails into Pelle’s back. “Faster,” she whispered in a panted command to Pelle’s ear. Pelle looked into her eyes with a burn behind his own, snapping his hips with double the force and speed of before. Dani felt like the wind was knocked out of her, letting out her breath with a moan and litany of curses. “Pelle, you’re so good,” Dani affirmed. Good at what, she couldn’t specify. He was a master of all trades, like a man made in heaven and sent to her.

Pelle didn’t speak in return, he only continued to stare down at Dani’s body as the sound of slapping skin gently filled the kitchen every time their bodies met. The fast and constant touch of Pelle’s abdomen on Dani’s clit put her closer to orgasm.

 “Jesus...fuck, Pelle” Dani cry-moaned. Tingles and static overtook her body and left her legs gelatinous. She breathed labored and full breaths, moans escaping her. She contracted and squeezed around Pelle, her body attempting to draw him closer to cumming. He continued his thrusts, going even faster despite Dani’s orgasm. It was like he wanted to push her to her maximum limit. Dani whined, senses overloaded as she began to come down. Pelle slowed slightly, his thrusts becoming shallow.

“Dani, where do you want me to…” 

“In me,” Dani commanded before she could think. It’s not like she could get pregnant, she was on the pill and took it on a strict schedule. 

Pelle didn’t question her. He seemed to be in agreement, even. “You’re so perfect. So perfect.” Pelle remarked, voice slightly higher and more strained. Pelle opened his eyes to Dani, who had her eyes closed in concentration as her body was still trying to relax. “Dani, look at me.” She opened her eyes to Pelle, who was hazy and ready to come undone at any point. Pelle let out a final deep grunt, turning to a moan as his hips stalled inside Dani as cum spilled from him. Pelle almost broke eye contact as his eyes squinted. His mouth hung in an “O”, turning into a smile after a few breaths.

Dani returned the smile, resting her hands on Pelle’s chest. He straightened his back from his slightly hunched posture, brushing Dani’s hair from her face, then kissing her slowly and longly. They both tasted of sweat; exhausted and worn. Dani laid her head back to rest against the cabinet, and Pelle rested his hands back on Dani’s waist. Dani looked back up to him, coming back to her senses, but still in bliss. “We should um, probably clean up.” Pelle smiled complacently. “Yea, probably.” He pulled out, putting his boxers on as best as he could. Dani hopped down from the counter, trying to conceal the mess they left as best as they could. She put her underwear back on, but couldn’t stomach to put Christian’s shirt back on. She had crossed a bridge now, one she couldn’t go back over. Pelle placed his white undershirt in her hands. Dani gladly put it on, smelling the scent of his cologne and a new hint of aftershave. Pelle returned to the comfortable grin he usually had. “It suits you. You should keep it.” Pelle once again studied her body, warm and lovingly. 

“Sounds like I will, then,” Dani quipped. 

Dani and Pelle had moved to the couch, Dani’s legs splayed over Pelle’s lap as they talked about the most pointless things. Now that the barrier of the sexual tension had been addressed, Dani felt more open to Pelle. Like she was catching an old friend up on her life. 

“I think I’m gonna crash here on the couch tonight.” Dani didn’t elaborate. She didn’t think she needed to at this point. 

“Okay. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.” Pelle grinned. 

“I’d really like that.”

Dani had left only the lamp on, dim amber lighting filling the room. She had moved closter into Pelle, now sitting at his side, turned to him. She rested her head on his shoulder. 

She had been telling the story about her and her sister trick-or-treating one night when she fell asleep. Pelle lied and said he didn’t know what that tradition was, but in reality he just wanted to hear her tell more stories. He liked the way she went into every detail and got so excited she forced her eyes to stay open. 

When she stopped responding to his questions, he laid her back on the couch, putting the blanket on the arm rest over her gently.

Chapter Text

Dani rubbed the frayed end of Pelle’s hoodie sleeve that went just past her fingertips. Underneath was only her underwear and bra. She perched on his couch, legs folded underneath her as a nature documentary played on the TV. The clanging of silverware drawers and fine ceramics came from Pelle’s kitchen.

“God, could it get any hotter?” Dani exclaimed.
Pelle set two cups of iced tea down on the glass coffee table and wrapped himself around her, fitting his head atop her’s.
“Ah, I blame you. I’m sure if you left the room would cool down by like, ten degrees.”
Dani laughed and rubbed a hand across her forehead.
“Wow, that one was pretty bad. I might have to write it down for blackmail purposes later.” Dani laughed and kissed his cheek.

It was almost June now. Dani had wrapped up the semester with a not-so-exciting end, which paled to the fall semester’s end.
Dani pinched her brows together while the memories rushed, looking away to the window.

-

She woke up that next morning on Christian’s couch with a crick in her neck. No pillows besides her own arm and a short throw blanket. A gnawing, anticipatory hole had opened in her stomach once she recalled the night before. And more importantly, what she had promised herself the night before. The hole closed and an anger lit her chest instead. No, she remembered she wasn’t scared anymore. She was done. Done with Christian and done with this hurt she carried around.
To stay with Christian for a second longer would be like drinking battery acid and trying to live through it.
The door to the guest room opened.

“Fuck, Pelle. I think I’m gonna shit myself. Or puke. Or both.”
“Do whatever you want, just not on me.”
Dani opened one eye at the slightest to see Mark pale, wan, and clutching his stomach. He was such a lightweight, despite his zeal for binge drinking.
Pelle looked fine, despite some purple tones under his eyes. No doubt from a partially sleepless night.

Dani closed her eyes again at the thought of why.

Later, the front door opened and cold air flooded the apartment. Keys jostled from out of the key bowl, the door slammed, and footsteps started descending onto the concrete and down the stairs.
And there was static-filled silence once again.

Dani sat up in an empty apartment. A faint snore traveled from Christian’s room. Right, not empty. This was his apartment after all.

She began folding the blanket back to its almost exact spot. She ran to the kitchen and fervently wiped down the countertop where she…sat. She pushed back wild strands of hair and crept to Christian’s room, trying to gather her clothes.

She slipped yesterdays outfit on and then folded her arms across her, hugging herself. If she left without confronting him, she was afraid she would never do it. But then again, how does one wake their boyfriend up just to dump him and leave? Oh, and don’t forget the part where you fucked his friend in the kitchen the night before.
She was fucking tired of monologuing in her head.

“Christian. Christian, wake up. We need to talk.”
He rolled over to his back, rubbing his eyes and pulling his face into a frown.
“About what? Dani, it’s eight AM.”
She swallowed hard.
“I think we should break up.”
Okay, so there really was no gentle way for her to do this.

Christian became still, then sighed in annoyance.
“Okay…well why is that?”
Dani frowned too and shook her head in disbelief.
“Are you really asking that question?”
Christian gave her a look like she was stupid.

“Well, for starters, how about that party a while back? Hm? I heard you and that-that piece of shit Mark cooking up your little plan to get me to leave. And that’s just in recent times. I mean, for over a year now, Christian, I’ve been treated like some clingy dog running laps around your legs begging for attention. To you, I’ve been nothing more than a piece of gum you just can’t quite get unstuck from the bottom of your shoe. I’m like walking and talking dog shit to you and, and all I wanted is for you to love me. To say you care about me. I don’t know what I ever fucking did to deserve this from you. I just wanted you to care so much, and now I hate your goddamn guts too! I loved you so much I ended up hating you for it.”

She was crying again. She was blubbering. And Christian hadn’t even bothered to sit up in his bed, much less get out of it. Or put a shirt on.

He was quiet for a while. He pursed his lips into a straight line and stared at the wall in front of him. All that could be heard was the occasional sniffle from Dani.

“Dani, I stopped loving you because you need too much. It was pathetic, really. You do all this work for your mom, your dad, especially your sister. You’re like their parent, their nurse, and their boss in one. But when you come to me, you’re this child. This whining, scared, pathetic child tugging on my shirt sleeve. And I can’t do it anymore. I haven’t been able to for a while. I need a woman. Someone who has power, who’s in control. Who has some fucking dignity. I’m not your babysitter and I never was. So you can go ahead and dump me, I’m still gonna be okay. But I won’t be there to save you when you get home to that empty bed. I refuse.”

It was cold in the room now. Really cold. Dani’s lips tingled, tears falling hard down her face and slipping into her mouth. Her vision was swimming.
A child? Pathetic? Needy?

She gathered her gumption and spoke in a low voice.
“I’m used to my empty bed now. I've been living with it and the loneliness it symbolizes for a while now. I’ve practically been single forever.”

“Then why didn’t you break it off forever ago, Dani?”

She thought for a moment. She had the knife, she just needed to know where to stab it, and how to twist it.

“Because I was afraid of having to restart this-" She waved her hands quickly between them, "-with someone else. Because of how shit you are at not only loving, but as well as fucking, I actually convinced myself I wasn’t lovable, or fuckable. That I didn’t have sex appeal. That I was destined for a nunnery. But...I’ve recently discovered that isn't true. I just needed someone to show me.

And he did.”

She may have twisted too far.

Christian shot up. His cheeks and neck grew blotchy with red and his blue eyes went wild in fury.

He was nearly shrill. He white knuckled the sheets to preoccupy his hands.

“Did you..fuck..someone else?”

Dani began to really worry. She knew if she answered truthfully, all guarantees of safety went out the window. No more trying to get that last word in edgewise, the trump card had been played. She just needed to escape. 

“I’m uh…I’m going to leave now. If you find anything of mine, you know my address.”

Dani made her way to doorway of his room as she heard Christian slipping a pair of jeans on. She quickened her pace down the hall as Christian tried to catch up.

His voice was loud, like thunder clapping around her ears.

“Answer me, Dani. Did you fuck someone else?!”
She grabbed her purse and almost reached the front door. Christian stopped right behind her.

“You’re...you are so fucking weak. And now you’re a whore, too?”
Dani stopped. She spun around faster than she could help.

“I am stronger than you’ll ever be, you fucking loser. You’ll see.”

And she met the cloudy morning with the last slam of Christian's front door that she would ever hear. 

Chapter Text

Dani looked back from the window. She felt a warm hand wrap around her shoulder and squeeze a couple times.

“What’s wrong?” Pelle asked.

She needed to lie.

“Oh, nothing, just um… thinking about this summer.”

Pelle cleared his throat and paused for a moment.

“I meant to mention that.”

Dani looked him in the eyes now.

 “I was wondering if you..wanted to come to Hälsingland with me in a few weeks?”

She was stunned. A little lurch washed through her stomach. 

“Didn’t you invite-” she looked down to her lap and at her hands, who were picking at her cuticles in anxiety. She wanted to avoid saying their names out loud, like a curse.

“Yes, I invited them, but it was before us. They’ve already paid for the tickets, so they’re going with or without me.”

Dani chewed the bottom right side of her lip until a welt formed.

Us?

“Why should I go? Why me? Especially if,” she paused, sucking in a breath,”they are going?”

Pelle looked down to his rug. He seemed to be contemplating how to walk through this here.

“Because you of all people deserve to truly go. Josh is just going for his thesis, and Christian I’m sure will be just the same. And Mark just wants to go for the sex and free food. But you? You have a genuine connection to them. Not just through me, but through emotions. You understand our soul. Plus…my family will want to meet you, they have heard so much.”

This was all weighing on her like a brick. She felt like she was traveling at Mach speeds with Pelle. It had only been casual sex and movie marathons, like today. They had never really officiated anything. 

“I just don’t see it working. I mean, we’ll all be on the same small piece of land. Eating and sleeping together. It looks too suspicious. Christian is bound to get smart and piece it together as soon as we land.”

She was pacing at this point, blocking the view of the TV. Pelle wore an anxious half-smile. 

“Then let him.”

Dani shot him a bewildered glare, stopping in her tracks. “Pelle, it’s not like it’s been years of us dating. It’s been barely a few months of weekly hookups. I just…I think we’re moving too fast if I go to Hälsingland.”

Pelle cleared his throat. He broke eye contact and looked down again, running a hand through his hair. His mouth had been drawn taut. 

Dani could tell she had hurt him. She felt like such an ass, even though she was sure she was right. She moved to sit next to Pelle, wrapping her arms around his neck and meeting her forehead to his.

“Hey. I’m sorry. I just, I don’t want us to go too fast. I really, really… care about you and I want us to last a long time. I want to do everything we can to make sure that happens.”

Pelle laughed to himself a bit while turning away from her.

“What?” Dani turned his head to hers again so he could meet her eyes.

Pelle backed away out of her hands, making eye contact. “It’s just,” he searched her eyes like he had always done; in such reverie. 

“That’s the exact reason I want you to come to Sweden. I mean the real, genuine, personal reason. See, for me and my family, a relationship of any degree while on pilgrimage isn’t recognized unless the outsider visits Hälsingland. Until then, they are shunned. I just want you to be able to meet my family so we can continue here as we are. Until then, I’m not sure what will happen with us.”

Dani scratched her neck in contemplation. 

“Can you at least give me a few days to think about it, Pelle?”

He smiled at her sheepishly. 

“Of course. Take your time.”

They ended up finishing the movie in somewhat uncomfortable silence. But Dani had convinced herself it was all in her head. Terri had been avoiding her calls more than usual now, opting for the occasional cryptic threats on social media. Her mom was busy keeping her on suicide watch in the living room, so her dad was the only one reachable. And with Christian gone, her phone was eerily silent. More than it was when things were as they were. 

She had gone home that night as usual. Made herself a snack in the night as she always did. Went to bed at a healthy time listening to her favorite meditation podcast. It was all in order, but she still felt the shadow of the silence following her home.

And the week continued on in this uncomfortable and unwavering quiet. Pelle didn’t reach out once since that evening. He had disappeared into the ether. Usually, between their dates, Pelle sent her funny links or asked her how her day was going. But now? Her existence had ceased in his reality.

By day three she was losing it. She started talking to herself in the mirror again. Pulling at the strands of her hair. Taking her Ativan more frequently.

Maybe Sweden was worth it. If three days was her breaking point, she could only imagine what a month of silence would do to her. Dani wasn’t keen on admitting it, but she needed to keep herself busy to stay afloat. When she experienced these bouts of silence, it’s when bad thoughts started to snake back into the recesses of her mind. Plus, she wasn’t thrilled with the idea of sacrificing her presence for the comfort of her shitty ex. She had honored her promise of self-respect by dumping him; now it was time to venerate that promise again.

And she was warming up to the reality that she needed Pelle. Not just to satisfy some basal sexual need, but in an emotional way. And not like Christian where he was her psychological bell boy, flitting around to catch her baggage. But, in a way where her fantasies turned from a hand in her pants when she thought of Pelle to thinking of what ring he would get her years down the line. To the idea of teaching their kids Swedish and English. 

This is why she put her guard up with him. She knew it was too fast but she also knew she was too fond to stop it. She was afraid the line between Pelle and Dani was blurring, and Sweden was the perfect place to erase it. But maybe she needed that. No, she definitely needed that. 

I mean, if it was too much, she could always just fly back home. Right?

She dialed Pelle’s number. 

Chapter Text

Dani grabbed whatever duffle bags and suitcases she could find in her closet.

“Dani, we can only bring three bags each.”

“I know, I know, I’m just trying to find all of them so I can choose my favorites.”

Pelle was folding and rolling Dani’s set-aside wardrobe into a bag, all while listening to some song in his headphones that seemed to be Swedish. Dani kept checking her phone.

Terri had been radio silent for nearly a week now. Dani had begun to chew her nails in anticipation. Terri was never coherent, but at least she sent something every few days or so. Either a video link or a book link. But she was absolutely silent now. She tried asking her parents to check on her, but they brushed her off. Told her she was worrying over nothing again.

But Dani decided to let Terri be an adult. She wasn’t entitled to her time, and Dani needed to focus on herself.

She smiled up at Pelle while he wasn’t looking. He was smiling too. They both were so giddy to leave. It had been weeks of anticipation for the flight, and it was finally going to be here by seven that evening. Dani would fall asleep on the plane, and wake up to a whole new reality. One with full days of sunlight and meadows and homesteads. One without having to take care of others. Even if her ex and his friends were there, she had Pelle to keep the peace.

Dani and Pelle placed the last of their bags by her doorway and looked up at each other.

Dani sighed in relief. “I thought we’d never finish packing. God, I feel so bad, how much is this going to cost?”

Pelle brought her into a hug. “Ah, you’re sweet. Don’t worry about it, my family set aside enough money for it. All we have to worry about is making sure it ends up in the right place, yea?”

Dani chuckled and buried her head into his chest. He smelled of teakwood and fresh laundry. Hints of aftershave wafted around too. She rubbed his back as she settled into a state of content. He was right. That’s all she had to worry about. Not Terri, nor Christian, not even school and work. She was free, even if it was temporary. She nodded into him and opened the door to catch their cab.

They had both made it through TSA and baggage check. The lady behind the United counter shot them evil glares as they loaded their six bags onto the counter, but as soon as Pelle began to speak to her and tell her just how appreciative they were in that familiar soft tone, a smile lifted from the corners of her mouth. He had that effect on people, as if he were a born mediator. He knew how to find the best attributes in people to calm and soothe them. He could make a dozen friends in any room.

The gate was packed but quiet when they arrived. Dani brought out her laptop to catch up on her last few bits of schoolwork and Pelle began to draw in his sketchbook.

“Gosh, Pelle, that’s so good.”

He half-smiled, not looking up or lifting his pencil.

“Thanks. I just like to do it when there’s nothing else going on. Or if it’s a birthday or something.” He was drawing the hallways of JFK airport as bodies came and went. He even captured the disgruntled face of the businessman as he ranted into his phone. No doubt about some “merger” or “portfolio”.

The flight attendant began to speak, and everyone started to stand and crowd the line in front of her desk.

Dani and Pelle managed to find seats in the same row, but on other sides of the walkway. She ended up in a window seat sat next to a blonde woman who reminded her of her mother. Pelle was sitting next to two young boys. As soon as they settled, they both began speaking Swedish to him.

Dani had never seen him speak his native language this much since she met him. He always said it was embarrassing or that he hated to “show off”. But now she could watch him in his element. She had to admit that it was attractive.

Dani had fallen asleep, despite the sun never fully going down. It creeped on the horizon for a few hours at dusk, and then began its return. The sound of the pilot announcing a descent in Swedish and English awoke her. She looked over to Pelle, who was still fast asleep, head tucked into his elbow that was resting on the plane walls.

The wheels landed on the tarmac with a thud, and the plane roared as it slowed. Pelle blinked awake and began to gather his things from under the seat.

After waiting for what felt like hours, it was finally their rows’ turn to get off. She grabbed her one carry-on and filed out. Pelle reached out from behind her and grabbed her shoulder, letting her know he was right behind.

She met Stockholm Arlanda Airport with a numbness in her. Maybe it was the duration of the flight or the jet lag, but she felt off. Something in her was screaming out, but nothing was fundamentally wrong. She shook her head a bit, finding her footing.

“Are you okay?” Pelle scared her. She forgot he was following close behind. She turned to face him.

“Yep, just a little jet lagged.”

He looked into her eyes like he always did, searching for the truth. He settled on her answer. “Okay. Well, we need to find our way to claim seven. That’s where they’re dropping our luggage.”

She nodded again and followed him. He raced through the crowds, muttering a “Ursäkta mig” as he accidentally brushed shoulders with others. They just smiled and waved him off. Much nicer than the New Yorkers she was used to.

They had managed to grab their luggage all in one piece. Besides a minor scratch in her suitcase, everything was perfect. She turned to walk to the exit doors, but Pelle grabbed her gently.

“Uh, we have to wait a bit longer.” Pelle muttered awkwardly. He avoided making direct eye contact with her.

“Okay, why?”

He scratched the back of his neck, looking down at his phone and then up and around the hall.

That familiar cold crawled back into her stomach, and she remembered that they weren't alone on this trip. In all the excitement and anticipation, she had nearly forgotten.

“Oh,” was all she could manage.

Pelle searched her with his eyes, trying to stamp out the fear before it could spread.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. They already know you’re here. I promise I won’t let anything happen. Besides the occasional awkward stare. That I can’t do much about.”

She laughed nervously at his joke. Now she couldn't meet his eyes. All she could do was scan the hall nervously, on high alert. She bit her lip until it bled, and crossed her arms. Like she was subconsciously preparing for some sort of altercation.

Then she met his eyes.

Chapter Text

Christian came around the corner, holding two gym bags in each hand. Mark was to his left, carrying a backpack on one shoulder and looking at every twenty-something girl that passed. Josh was looking down at his feet as his rolling suitcase dragged behind, either tired or absolutely embarrassed. Or both. 

Pelle waved over at them, as if nothing was wrong. As if she wasn’t standing right next to him. Sometimes his amicability got to her. For once he could try to be an asshole. 

Dani’s cheeks burned red-hot, and she immediately looked down to the floor. Her leg bounced nervously. She peeled away at her fingernails and cuticles until they were raw. 

She looked up at Christian again, who looked away from the two of them and laughed under his breath. Like she said; "As soon as we land."

They made their way over to them, but kept about three feet of distance away from Dani. Like she was sick and contagious. 

“Hey guys" Pelle paused uncomfortably,"so glad you could make it.” They all hugged Pelle from the side. None of them acknowledged Dani, except for Josh who smiled and waved stiffly. She smiled back, but she was so nervous she was sure it came off as a grimace. 

“Well, I’ve already called the cabs and they should be here any minute. It’s going to be a little bit of a long drive, so do anything you need to do here.” 

Mark’s eyes bulged. “Wait, we’re not stopping here for the day?”

“No, we have about four hours of driving to do, and we need to make it in time for introductions, so..”

Mark threw his hands in exasperation. “But dude! I took out like two hundred in Swedish cash for the red light district!”

Pelle rolled his eyes and began walking away towards the exit. “Mark, we barely even have a red light district in Sweden.”

“I knew that! I just meant like, the closest thing to it.”

Two black SUVs with white lettering pulled into the pick up lane. The first one rolled his window down and yelled something fast in Swedish, ending it with “Pelle?” He responded back quickly and began loading his luggage into the trunk. He signaled back to Christian, Mark, and Josh and they followed suit in their cab.

The cab driver spoke something to both Dani and Pelle in Swedish, but she couldn’t tell what it was about. 

“He says you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Dani laughed and covered her face with her hands.

“Tack.”

Pelle laughed. “How are you feeling?”

Dani grinned bashfully and rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. He just seemed so…angry. I think he figured it out.”

“Well, I'd like to see him try anything. My family has a very strict rule about not permitting violence.” Pelle looked at her with a hint of insecurity.

"Do you want to talk to him?"

She sighed. “No, I’m good. Nothing to say that hasn’t already been said. Anything else would just be insults I’m sure.”

He squeezed her hand and smiled at her. “Okay.”

About an hour into the drive, her phone began to buzz incessantly. She must’ve finally regained service. 

She reached into her back pocket as notifications flooded.

“I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

“I know you’ll be angry, but it had to be done.”

“I think they have to come with me. There’s no other way.”

Missed call from: unknown number (5)

Voicemail from: unknown number (1)

Dani dropped her phone in her lap and immediately started to cry. All the breath left her lungs like she had been bulldozed. She trembled and grabbed at her chest. She was sure she was having a heart attack.

“Pull over.” She commanded hoarsely. She inhaled deeply to scream as her eyes darted back and forth.

“Pull over!”

Pelle looked down at her in dread and reached over to the driver. "Dra över bilen!" 

The car swerved to the shoulder, and the breaks squealed. The tires crunched in the gravel. The trailing cab followed. 

Dani threw open the car door facing the forested median. She fell out, catching her hands on the hot asphalt. She looked down to see rain pelting it. No, those were her tears, spilling out of her in buckets. 

Her knees scraped as she stumbled up to her feet. She ran down the hill and into tall grass that grew on the edge of the tree line. She shook violently as she tried to type in her passcode. Snot poured down her upper lip.

“Ms. Ardor, this is Chief Briggs of Precinct 2 in Minneapolis. We uh, we tried to reach you earlier but nothing came through. We were called into a gas leak at the residence of your parents'.”

There was a long pause. An inhale, and then a gruff exhale. You could hear his hand against the scruff of his beard as he scratched his face in contemplation. 

“I’m sorry but your mother, father, and sister are deceased. We are required to make this call to the next of kin, which is you. We are investigating the scene, but right now it does appear to be a homicide and suicide. They’ll be held by the county until you can come and arrange their preparations. You can call the coroner at..”

The words turned into a mash. Dani dropped her phone and inhaled sharply. She could feel everyone staring at her. Her mouth turned down into a frown, and she felt acidic and bitter liquid rising in her throat. 

A shriek and wail tried to claw out, but instead she vomited into the grass, managing to stain her shirt in the process. A gurgled moan and cough escaped. 

She screamed so loud that birds dashed out of their branches.

“No, no, no, no, no.”

Chapter Text

“I told you, I told you…I told you she was…”

Dani was sobbing into the grass, in an upright fetal position and clutching her head. Like bracing for impact on an airplane.

“Told who? Told who what, Dani?” Pelle was now at her backside, rubbing circles and trying to help her stand up.

Dani didn’t know who. Maybe everyone. Her parents, for sure. 

She had told everyone she was worried. For years. Since Terri had been diagnosed in her junior year of high school after trying to slit her wrists in the tub.

Dani had been the one to wrap her arms in gauze while her mom called 911. It wasn’t a hectic and chaotic scene. Dani remembered it as soft and gentle. Terri had rested her head into Dani’s shoulder while Dani doctored her wounds.

“I’m sorry Dani. I’m just.. so tired. I really thought it would do me in. Now I’m just embarrassed.”

Dani stopped washing and wrapping her arm to hold her head in comfort.

“Don’t do that. I love you. If it were me you would do the same, right?”

Terri nodded into her shoulder.  

“Be still so I can stop the bleeding. You’ll be okay.”

“Dani, we should get in the car. We can use the phone at the farm to call anyone,” Pelle paused and sucked in a breath. “If you have to return to New York we can arrange that.”

Dani said nothing. Just allowed herself to be carried back to the car. As she stood up she heard the idling of not only one car, but two. 

She turned to see that Christian, Mark, and Josh were standing on the road’s shoulder at the top of the ditch. There was a mixture of emotions etched across them. 

Mark looked uncomfortable. He shot his eyes away as soon as Dani turned, mouth drawn and passively chewing on the inside of his cheek. Josh had his arms crossed, looking like he was watching a puppy being kicked. He frowned sympathetically when Dani looked to him.

Christian reeked of guilt. When he met Dani’s eyes, he didn’t look away this time. Dani turned stone-faced.

“You do all this work for your Mom, your Dad, especially your sister. You’re like their Mom, their nurse, and their boss in one.”

This is who she had told more than anyone.

I told you.

I told you.

I told you.

The words echoed into her soul like cymbals. 

His face showed that he had heard her sobbing, and what she had said. And that deep down, she was directing it at him .

By this point, she was sobbing again. Wailing and moaning while haplessly mouthing words. 

Pelle laid her down in the back seat, resting her head on his lap. Her crying resolved a continuous low hum in between hiccups.

“I am so..” He cut himself off. There were no words to be said.

He instead began braiding her hair.

-

Dani hadn’t fallen asleep. She stared at the back of the driver’s seat, catatonic. She had only broken this stare when the car stopped to switch to the personal cars the Hårga left for Pelle to pick up. Two small SUVs to make it through the remote woods and eventual pasture. 

Dani once again had to be carried and laid into the car. It reminded her of falling asleep in the back of her parent’s car when she was young and having to be carried inside. 

The final arrival to Hälsingland was quiet for her. While the three others piled out, Pelle stayed in the car with Dani.

“Dani, all you have to do is make the walk to the farms, and then we can…get your return ticket. I promise this will all be over soon.”

“I don’t want to go back.”

Silence.

“What?”

She broke her stare to look at Pelle. His eyes were wider than normal. Worry streaked his face, but there was a sense of elation that sparked on the outsides of his eyes. 

“I can’t. I can’t be by myself. I’ll call my dad’s sister to represent me on identification and I’ll tell her where to find the will in my parent’s safe. They’ll be cremated and then we can hold the funeral when I’m back. When I can manage it.”

She had said this like a sergeant barking orders; robotic and null. And yet, tears welled as she spoke, hitting her lap in audible plops .

Pelle swallowed, nodding.

“Okay.”

Chapter Text

Dani took a period of shallow breaths and stepped out to admittedly beautiful land. There was a meadow that stretched out infinitely, rolling and cascading through hills. The sun was hung in the middle of the landscape and supported by cotton ball clouds. A breeze took wefts of Dani’s hair that escaped her braid. She patted at it in recognition. In her catatonia, she hadn’t realized what Pelle did for her. There was a millisecond of ease in her soul before the muddy sadness returned. 

Ahead of her, she saw Christian and the rest taking what looked to be shots from plastic cups. They were being instructed by a man similar in appearance to Pelle, but he was more blonde and shorter.

“Helvete! Pelle!”

The man ran up to Pelle, embracing him and patting him on the back. The two lowly conversed in Swedish. Towards the end, the man looked over to Dani and his brows turned down in sadness.

Dani’s stomach somersaulted. She had to look away to fight the urge to vomit again. 

She just wanted to run into the woods. To go into this wilderness and never look back.

“Dani, this is my brother, Ingemar.”

She turned back to face Ingemar, who was now in front of her. He hugged her tight, the warmth catching her off-guard. She froze for a few seconds, then gently snaked her arms to his shoulders.

In an accent, he muttered, “I am so, so, sorry.”

Dani was crying again. How long could she cry before she was too dehydrated to form tears?

She looked at Pelle who smiled woefully.

-

“How long until we’re there," Mark asked impatiently.

“Just keep walking, man.” Josh's eye roll could be heard in his voice.

Mark huffed and swatted a branch in irritation.

They had been hiking this path for only fifteen minutes. Dani never broke her gaze ahead of her, walking stilted on autopilot. She tried her hardest to think of anything else, but her mind was plagued with flashing images of her dead parents.

Maybe they were laying in bed, peacefully asleep.

Maybe they were on the couch watching a movie when it happened.

Terri wouldn’t have really hurt them. She would have made it as peaceful as possible. 

The path hooked right and opened to another meadow that was etched with a forest on every side. 

This meadow wasn’t empty though. It was full of cabins and farms and livestock. Children flitted through flowers in white smocks. Dining tables in the distance were being prepped by young women. 

It was more gorgeous than anything she had seen before. For the first time in days, she was awe-struck. 

“Pelle…” 

He beamed at her, clutching her shoulder.

“Välkommen!” A brunette cheerfully called out. She thrusted a cup into Dani’s hand.

“You drink now, yes?”

Dani looked to Pelle. “Is it booze?”

He blushed, looking lightly concerned. “Eh, not necessarily. Mushrooms.”

Dani stared at the orange substance. 

“Maybe I shouldn’t. I..”

The woman suddenly looked insulted, like Dani had spit at her.

“Or I can! I can. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend.”

She put on a smile again. Pelle just stared, as if he was waiting. Dani wanted to wait until they both turned away so she could pour it into the grass. Yet, their gaze was unwavering and pointed.

She slammed the drink before she could think twice. 

-

The trees seemed to ebb and bend around Dani, matching the pattern of her breath. The bonfire in front of her was nearly neon yellow, and the tendrils at the top turned into snakes that hissed at her. 

“Pelle, the fire is mad at me.”

“What?”

“The fire…it keeps hissing at me.” 

He laughed gently, and soon a cacophony of laughs joined in. 

She whined gently. “I’m serious! It…it’s coming for me”

Pelle rested a hand on her thigh and patted it. She looked to Christian who was across the fire from them. He stared daggers at the gesture. Dani noticed one of his eyes began to inflate. 

She stood abruptly, gasping. Her heart thwacked-thwacked so violently she was sure it was going to explode. She hummed in terror. 

“I need to um…” 

She looked over to a group of Swedes who were staring, their mouths curling into harsh smiles.

Dani yelped and bolted into the woods, hurdling trees. After a few strides, she tripped and collapsed to the pillowy and yielding leaves on the ground. She held them to her like a comfort blanket. 

“Mommy….mommy please..” 

She knew begging was pointless, but maybe if her spirit lingered it could ease her of this pain. This utter confusion and terror.

A hand cupped her shoulder and turned her around. A Swedish woman in a white smock with blue symbols held her. 

“Yes, I am your mother now. You are safe.”

“Mom…”

Dani curled into the breast of the woman as she hummed a song gently.

Chapter Text

Dani’s eyelids were red with sunlight. She opened them instinctively to see the morning had arrived. Arms enveloped her and she looked up to see Pelle sleeping, mouth slightly open and hair in his eyes. She looked down to his shirt as images flashed into her eyes: snakes hissed deviously at her and she swore she could feel the air in her lungs burning as she bolted through the forest. “Mom” was there, holding her. 

She had to swallow a retch that was forcing itself through her throat.

Her eyes were pressed hard into lines as saliva kept building. 

Please, not now. Not while Pelle is here. 

She burrowed further into his arms and took deep, full breaths. 

“Är du redan vaken?” Pelle mumbled, wiping hair out of his face. He stretched his arms out from his embrace. Dani looked up to him.

“What?”

He opened his eyes and laughed a bit. “Sorry, still asleep.”

He sighed and looked to her, brushing a hair out of her face. He must have gauged her expression finally.

“Are you doing alright? Last night was…”

Dani drew her eyebrows together and automatically turned her head into the pillow. E mbarrassing. All because she couldn’t handle some shrooms. She was sure she was the laughing stock of the village, like she was the freshman getting hazed. 

“I know, I know. I’m so sorry. I promise I wont lose it next time."

Pelle grabbed her face and dug it out of the pillow. He looked puzzled. 

“Why are you apologizing? I should be sorry. That was completely reckless and inconsiderate of me.”

What?

He continued. “I just can’t believe I didn’t think before letting you have them. I promise you won’t have to do that again. I’ll make sure no one uh..gives you grief? Right?”

He ended his rambling with a nervous laugh. Normally his unsure musings on English phrases were cute to her, but she was still as confused.

“But, I thought I was supposed to take the shrooms? So I wouldn’t offend your family?”

Pelle shrugged.

“Well, sure, but only if you are going to enjoy yourself. If I had known you would’ve been in pain or been terrified like you were, I wouldn’t have let you. My family still might have taken some offense, but… who cares?”

Dani frowned. “I do. I mean, they opened their home to me. I can’t just be rude like that.”

He smiled empathetically. “Dani, that doesn’t matter really. Don’t torture yourself for some silly tradition. They can always get used to it, I think.”

Dani’s resolve didn’t waiver. The last thing she needed was for anyone to be mad at her. She needed support the most right now, and no one will be nice if you put yourself first. That was just selfish, right?

“Okay. I just, maybe I can try one more time. If I start.. losing it again, I’ll just go to bed or something.”

Pelle shook his head no but didn’t say anything. Instead he just held her, rubbing calm circles in between her shoulder blades. 

-

The sun stared Dani down from an apex in the sky. Noon had washed over the village, highlighting every iridescent bug in the air and every shadow from the trees. 

She stood alone in a meadow while staring ahead at a large Conifer. 

Men and women walked around the branches attaching hand-made ornaments. Some were wooden, others were straw, and all were painted with vibrant runes. 

“Come!” Said a voice from behind her. She jumped a bit and whipped around to see a blonde, stocky man smiling like a cherub. His cheeks were red, even.

“So sorry, I didn’t mean to shock you. You should come, I’ll show you how to hang them!”

She smiled and shook her head, as if clearing a thought from her memory. “Oh, okay! Sure. Like Christmas in July, right?”

The man gave her a puzzled look and laughed awkwardly. Dani laughed harder to try and play it off, following the man as he walked over. Her face burned a little.

The tree was almost fully adorned now. Dani had learned the man’s name to be Ebbe. He was only a couple years younger than her, and his favorite color was green. 

“So, what do we decorate the tree for?” Dani asked as she tip-toed to hang a small wooden horse. 

Ebbe smiled to himself. “Ah, to scare away the bad spirits in the forest. Think of the tree as a, uh, protector? The spirits will be afraid of it,” He placed a new ornament in Dani’s hand and pointed to the V shaped rune in orange.  “All of these mean protection, in some way. Protect from harm. Protect from negative thoughts. Everyone gets to make their own if they want.” 

She smiled and held the ornament in her hand a bit longer. She rubbed the rounded wooden edges. Maybe its power could rub off on her. 

“But there are more spirits that must be taken care of. So you are coming to ceremony tonight, yes?” 

She looked up to Ebbe. “Oh, I didn’t know there was one tonight, but I don’t see why not.”

Ebbe beamed. “Great! Great! There we offer to the spirit of the water.”

She smiled. It was refreshing meeting people who were so mystical. The cynicism back home could weigh anyone down. Here, life felt drenched in certain eccentricity she couldn’t place. 

Chapter Text

The sun had begun to set, and Dani was being beat with sunlight. Beads of sweat stung her eye as she wiped her brow. Freja walked up behind her, admiring as Dani plucked flowers with the other women. 

Vacker! Drenched in soljus, just as Ruben predicted.

She opened the small gel cap in her hand and poured the white powder into the water cup. She sloshed it in her hand. 

Dani turned to see an older woman with long blonde hair smiling down at her. She stuck out her hand to offer her a glass of water. 

“Oh, uh, tack! You’re so sweet.”

The woman chuckled, bowed her head slightly as if to say “of course”, and retreated back to the wood cabin behind Dani where older women were kneading dough. She drank the water fervently and plucked a final flower before turning in her bouquet to the other women. 

-

The lake was still and dull. There was no sun or moon to illuminate it. Fire totems decorated the edge as the Hårga gathered around. A woman with a braided crown raised both her arms parallel and led the chant.

“Ooh, ooh, ooh,” they bellowed, almost primally. At once, the woman lowered her hands and turned. They all stopped.

Dani swayed on her feet and clung with one hand to the trunk of the tree next to her. Her eyes were half-lidded and her throat dry. She was exhausted. 

Pelle stood a few people down from her, watching the clearing with a patient smile. 

“I tack och lov, stora gudinna, skänker vi dig denna blygsamma gåva,” the woman finished by gesturing behind her. Dani turned her head to see- once the spinning let up. A group of men, almost like pallbearers, hoisted the decorated tree Dani had helped with over their shoulders and began rushing towards the lake. With a cry, it was javalined into the water. She followed the tree with her eyes to see a man across the lake sound a bugle. There was stillness among the crowd.

“Ånej!” a man behind her called. She looked over to him as he elbowed his way through to the front, joining the woman.

“Hörde du det där mullret? Jag tror att hon fortfarande är hungrig.”

Dani furrowed. Something he said offended the woman. She followed with a scoff. Dani turned to Pelle to see him watching as if it were a play.

“Jag hörde inget mullrande,” The woman remarked bemusedly. 

“Gjorde någon av er?” The woman looked around. 

“Nej,” the crowd remarked. They all began to smile too, the same as Pelle. 

The man clasped his abdomen. “Nåväl, jag antar att det kunde ha varit min egen mage.”

Everyone laughed. Dani smiled, trying to blend in.  

The two went back and forth. Dani tuned out of the conversation. Her eyes were so, so heavy, and her feet ached. She swore her vision sunk a bit and bounced back into place in two-second increments. 

There was a pause in the two’s “argument”. A gentle voice sounded from behind Dani, far back in the crowd.

“Du kan använda mig” 

Dani turned again, steadying herself, to see a small boy covered in greenery. Attached were the same ornaments that the tree had. 

Her eyes widened a bit. Where the fuck was this going?

“Vill du, unge Bror, offra dig till vår älskade gudinna?”

The boy didn’t waiver. “Om hon vill ha det.”

The man approached him, crossing his arm over his chest. The woman joined. They seemingly praised him, studying him with pride. The boy turned to the crowd. 

“​​Modig? Vad är modigt att gå hem?”

He said this like he was in a school play. Dani thought of all those times Terri came out with her parents to see her in her middle school plays. How she would always tell her she was a natural actress, even though she knew she couldn’t deliver a line to save her life. 

When Dani looked back, she swore the boy had the same mole on his face that Terri had. 

Dani blinked hard. 

Then his eyes changed to Terri’s color. 

Something was wrong, extremely wrong. Maybe it was jet-lag, the sun, and the grief all compounding into one, but she was about to collapse. The noises of the crickets and the muttering of the crowd echoed faintly. Her vision was lapsing- like TV getting intermittent signal.

Dani swallowed hard and looked back up. Two men gathered around the boy, fastening buckles around his feet. They lifted him by his arms and legs, holding him sideways. An older man placed a rock on the boy’s stomach. The two began to sway him slowly. 

No. No, this was fucked up. Dani’s stomach plummeted and her heart was nearly in her throat. 

“Hey,” Her cry was faint and slurred, like she had been a few drinks in, but soft like she had just woken up. 

She cleared her throat. “Stop. Please.” 

The words sounded like molasses. She felt as if her mouth was full of cotton. 

A couple of the Hårga turned to her and gave her quizical looks. Pelle didn’t even turn his head. 

Dani broke her grasp on the tree and tried making her way towards the boy. The men swaying him were only gaining momentum, and were letting out the occasional ritualistic growl. 

Dani tripped and landed on the grass. Her legs curled under her as she looked up. The sky lagged behind but settled into place.

Splash .

The water responded with a kerplunk as it swallowed the boy, then silence. 

All hell broke loose in Dani’s mind. Static filled every inch as her breath evaded her. 

“No, no, NO!” She was louder this time. She stood up, running towards the water. She fell again, opting for crawling. 

Grass stained her knees as she fought tooth and nail to get to the lake. 

Her inner monologue was low and distorted.

I just need to save him. Please, let me save him. I can do something about it now.

Hands wrapped around her waist as she was picked up. The motion disoriented her, as if free-falling on a rollercoaster. 

“Stop…stop I was..so close!” She could barely speak now. Her mouth hung open slightly. She looked down from the shoulder she was rested on to see Pelle’s sneakers. She turned her head to see Pelle’s hair next to her. 

Behind him were Josh and Christian. Josh watched with his mouth agape in pure shock, but not the kind you’d think. It was the same look he had when he came over to watch a gorey horror film: one of disconnect that almost had a smile to it. Christian clutched his chin and held his mouth in a tight line, like a posturing museum attendee.

“Aren’t you going to…do something?” Dani managed. Josh turned to her, eyes squinting in confusion. Christian glanced, then looked back to the scene as if she didn’t exist. Dani gasped as tears ran down her face. She pummeled Pelle’s back as the crowd grew smaller. 

“Please, please, let me…help.”

Pelle reached up to rub her back. “Shh, shh. You’re dreaming Dani. It’s just a dream.” 

Her head pulsed as blood pooled due to hanging upside down, and her vision slightly tunneled.