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There was a mirror-like quality to Kyungsoo’s smile. A little bitter, a little humorous. It was the kind of reflection Baekhyun looked at in mornings after, splashing water on his face to get rid of last night’s alcohol and crumpling numbers left behind on nightstands. This isn’t the face of a stranger. But then, it never had been. Kyungsoo was Kyungsoo. His ex’s best friend, the person he had grown to know over the years as someone who was reliable and faithful, and the person who didn’t belong in moments like these. To walk the line of right and wrong was a task for heartbroken fools; Kyungsoo was neither heartbroken nor a fool.
Yet, Baekhyun found him familiar. And maybe he was right, because when they kissed, it wasn’t him who moved forward, but Kyungsoo.
Tentative. That was how the kiss began. Kyungsoo didn’t force so much as he tasted. Baekhyun closed his eyes as he let Kyungsoo explore his lips, and leaned into Kyungsoo’s palm when it rested with more confidence on his jaw. Behind them, the noises of the party faded away. Even Jongin’s laughter disappeared. It melted into the buzz in Baekhyun’s ears, and the whispers of the summer wind brushing through his hair. All that there was was the warmth of the alcohol in his stomach, and Kyungsoo. Just that. His heart thrummed in his chest. When Kyungsoo tilted his head to deepen the kiss, Baekhyun traced his hand up to cling to the side of his neck and relaxed into it.
“Do you want to go somewhere else?” Kyungsoo asked when they parted. He was breathless.
Baekhyun knew what he was asking. It wasn’t like this was anything new. One night stands and impromptu trips were familiar now, but for some reason it felt different when Kyungsoo was the one he was leaving with. It felt more than just a means of trading loneliness — it was betrayal for both of them. Or betrayal for Kyungsoo, revenge for him. Baekhyun didn’t feel the kind of hurt that demanded payback. But there it was, the offer on a silver platter, and more. A strange desire… what did it mean? “What about Jongin?”
Kyungsoo shook his head, and kissed the corner of his mouth in a strange, purposeless way. “He doesn’t matter.”
He doesn’t matter. Another strange thing. Baekhyun wondered how much of that was true. He wondered how it was that Kyungsoo really didn’t give a shit, holding his hand as they went through the house to get to the front door as if everyone wasn’t looking at them. And even asking him, ‘You okay?’ with a voice bold enough to be heard above the racket, as if Jongin wasn’t there on the couch with his new boyfriend, staring at them.
“I’m okay,” Baekhyun said quietly. Kyungsoo nodded and guided him through the crowd.
They were in Kyungsoo’s car when they kissed for the second time, with more urgency. Then at a building that Baekhyun assumed was Kyungsoo’s apartment when they kissed for the third, all desperate murmurings and wandering hands, none of the tentative hesitation from earlier. “Is this okay?” Kyungsoo kept asking, after every step, “Is this okay?” and Baekhyun felt like it was a chant, “Yes, yes, yes,” until Kyungsoo didn’t need to ask anymore because they had gone too far for questions to matter.
And it felt different with him. It wasn’t like Baekhyun's other, nameless one night stands. There was more at stake when there was history behind the name that Baekhyun moaned, and to hear his own name whispered with such a familiar voice gave an illusion of intimacy that was so real he almost felt like they were making love. It made him think of Jongin and how different it felt from him, too. Jongin stopped asking after the first time. He wasn’t gentle and he didn’t say Baekhyun’s name as softly as Kyungsoo did. His hands left marks that didn’t disappear for weeks. Even now, Baekhyun sometimes fooled himself into thinking that he could still see them. But when Kyungsoo ran his hands over the places where bruises should have been, Baekhyun didn’t feel pain. It was different.
“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun gasped, shuddering as he reached his orgasm. He wrapped his arms around Kyungsoo’s neck and pulled him down. Among the smell of sweat and sex was Kyungsoo’s scent, which was distinct but indescribable. It was comforting. Baekhyun had never gotten close enough to Kyungsoo to notice it, but now it curled around him in a way that coaxed him into a sense of security.
Kyungsoo was breathless. He had one arm beside Baekhyun to hold himself up, but brought the other hand to cradle Baekhyun’s head. “I’ve got you. It’s okay. Shh… it’s okay.”
He hadn’t even realized he was crying. Baekhyun closed his eyes and let Kyungsoo hold him. This would always be better than lying alone. Even if this was temporary, even if every time there was a naïve hope for more that was only more intense now, even so, this was better than only having himself. Kyungsoo was too nice. Baekhyun had noticed it before, when he was dating Jongin and saw Kyungsoo looking. He had his principles and was too committed to take things for himself. But he was too kind to leave someone to cry alone. Something like this, comforting his best friend’s ex boyfriend, must be like two opposing forces coming to a head. Kyungsoo was good at it, though. He let Baekhyun cry and said things to him as he waited for him to calm down. Then, when Baekhyun did, he let him stay in his bed and didn’t mention him leaving at all.
Baekhyun stared at the wall ahead as he waited for Kyungsoo to return from the bathroom. He didn’t have a blanket over him so he just lay there naked, eyelids heavy from sex and tears. That guy that Jongin was with looked handsome. He looked likable. He was Jongin’s type. Baekhyun knew that because he’d been Jongin’s type too, once upon a time. Outgoing and agreeable and charming. Well, that was how he was anyway, with or without Jongin, but with Jongin it felt like he was constantly running that certain part of himself, with no room to let the rest be. How long would it be until his new boyfriend felt the same? Or would he? Maybe he was different. Maybe what was only a part of Baekhyun was all of him, and he was better suited for Jongin than Baekhyun was. Good for him, then. They should be happy together, so that Baekhyun could do things like this and feel less guilty about it.
Closing his eyes, Baekhyun clutched Kyungsoo's pillow and breathed out. He heard the door open and shut behind him. Then the bed dipped and Kyungsoo told him, “I’m going to clean you up a bit, okay?” With a warm towel, Kyungsoo wiped him clean. After he was done, he pulled a blanket over him and came behind him to hold him. “Are you sleeping?”
“No,” Baekhyun said.
“You should.”
“Aren’t you worried about Jongin?”
“Why would I be worried about him?”
“Why would you be worried about me?”
At that, Kyungsoo’s breathing seemed to stop. “You looked upset,” Kyungsoo said finally, like that was supposed to mean anything to him. “Did it make you uncomfortable?”
“No.” Of course, he would worry about that. Baekhyun felt a sudden, inexplicable irritation grow. “Aren’t you Jongin’s best friend? Aren’t I Jongin’s ex? Shouldn’t you not be talking to me? Even if I looked upset, why would you follow me out there? Don’t you know what that looks like?”
“It doesn’t matter to me.”
“Then what does?”
Kyungsoo didn’t answer. In that long, heavy silence, Baekhyun wanted to believe there was an answer there that meant something. “Jongin and I aren’t friends anymore.”
“What?” Baekhyun turned around and sat up. “What are you talking about?”
“We were barely friends to begin with. He was just using me to get into the university, because my parents are administrators. I always found it funny when you called us best friends. It made me wonder if that was what he said to you.”
It wasn’t. Not exactly. But Jongin talked about him so fondly that Baekhyun thought that was the case. “Are you sure? I mean… he really liked you.”
“I’m sure. He was already on his way to getting me out of his life when he started dating you. You just never noticed.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m glad he’s an asshole. If he wasn’t, then…” Kyungsoo gestured vaguely with a shrug. “And just so you know, I don’t care what it looks like if you don’t care. Whatever they say about me doesn’t matter. I wasn’t there for them anyway.”
What was unspoken doesn’t escape Baekhyun. I was there for you. Unless he was mistaken. Unless he was falling for the usual trap he fell into after sex with strangers. Except if Kyungsoo left him his number, he wouldn’t throw it away. “What was this?” Baekhyun asked abruptly.
“Whatever you want this to be.”
“No. I want to hear what you wanted out of this. You don’t just… have sex with your friend’s ex, even if you aren’t friends anymore. Was this revenge? Were you trying to get back at him?”
“I’m not petty like that.”
“Then what?”
Kyungsoo stared at him. Finally, he sat up too. “Do you really want to know? Or are you just asking because you’re lonely?”
Baekhyun’s breath hitched. So he knew. Of course he did. It wasn’t like Baekhyun was trying to hide it. Still, it felt like he’d been caught. “I don’t know.”
“Then let’s let it be,” Kyungsoo said. “For now. Give me that, at least. It’s unfair like this.”
There it was again: that smile. Bitter and humorous, and something else, too. A hint of hope that was so out of place it was almost laughable. But Baekhyun couldn’t make fun of it when he knew how it felt to hope and ache for something more. Not when he was feeling the same. “Okay,” he said. Let it be, for now.
It was enough for tonight.