Work Text:
No sense of satisfaction followed Kyungsoo from the squeaky doors of the restaurant to his car. The parking lot was empty as it always was when he got out of work. It wasn’t yet summer enough for the cicadas to be out chirping, and the crickets were too quiet for Kyungsoo’s taste. He liked being able to hear something other than his own footsteps on the gravel. Only the beep of his car door unlocking broke the silence. Then it was the radio, which he turned on the instant he sat down.
The scent of the kitchen still clung to him even after removing his uniform. He lowered the window and tried to hum to the music, but the more he did the more restless he became, until he pulled over on a random street and turned off the engine and sat in silence.
This was unhappiness. At least, it seemed like it was unhappiness. The feeling presented itself as a dull discomfort in his stomach and a fuzziness in his head. And an agitation. He wanted to walk around or drive without stopping. It was funny how he was stationary instead. Truthfully, the way all these feelings came about so suddenly was odd to him, but not unexpected. He’d been fine at work, if not a little tired. He’d cleaned up quietly. He didn’t even look at the clock during that half hour before closing. He’d even thought to himself that maybe he didn’t hate his workplace as much as he thought he did. That maybe he’d been a little ungrateful during those times that he ranted about it, or maybe a little dramatic during those moments when he felt angry and upset at his boss. He liked being a chef. He really did. It was hard work and thankless work most of the time, but it was fulfilling to know that people enjoyed his food. He was lucky to be doing what he liked to do. Still, something about his job made him question things sometimes. Multiple times. Which was why he wasn’t surprised that he felt so drained now, although it was strange how abrupt the change in his mood was.
Maybe he was depressed. But that didn’t make sense. He was functional. He could go to work and do his job. He got up in the morning. He didn’t isolate himself from other people. He couldn’t be depressed.
Yeah, maybe he was being dramatic.
Kyungsoo chewed on his top lip and looked ahead of him down the dark, unlit street. There were streetlights as far as he could see, but they weren’t working. It was already almost eleven at night. The sky was cloudy and the moon was partially covered, though full. There were no stars. All of Kyungsoo’s desire to walk or drive was replaced now with dread. If he moved, if he started the car and drove, then time would continue to move too. He wouldn’t be able to escape it. He would have to sleep and wake up and it would be the next day already. He didn’t want to go anymore. He wanted to stay right where he was and never take another step forward.
Suddenly, his phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Babe, are you okay? Weren’t you supposed to come home thirty minutes ago?”
His fiance sounded worried. Kyungsoo managed to say, “Yeah. I’m coming home now.”
“Are you okay?”
He started the car. The radio came on automatically because he hadn’t turned it off before.
“Kyungsoo?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be home soon, okay? Go to sleep without me.”
“Okay. Drive safe. I love you.”
“I love you too. Bye.”
Baekhyun was usually the first to hang up, but Kyungsoo found that a few beats passed before he had to end the call himself. He drove home without thinking about much of anything. When he made it, he sat for a bit in silence and took a few deep breaths before going inside. A dark living room greeted him. He slipped off his shoes and went straight to the bathroom for a shower. Then he went back to the living room and sat on the couch with his towel around his shoulders and turned on a movie.
He was a few minutes in when, down the hall, the door to his and Baekhyun’s bedroom opened.
“Hey,” Baekhyun said, padding over. He was in his pajamas and had messy hair, but it didn’t look like he’d just woken up. “What’re you doing? Watching a movie?”
“Yeah.”
Baekhyun sat next to him and kissed his cheek. “What movie?”
“I don’t know. I picked a random one. Do you want to change it?”
“No, it’s fine.” They watched a bit. Then, out of nowhere, Baekhyun said, “How was work?”
“It was fine.”
“I was waiting for you. I wanted to go to sleep with you.”
“I’m sorry. Are you tired? We can watch this movie tomorrow instead, when I get home.”
“Baby. Can you pause it for a moment?”
Kyungsoo didn’t want to. But he did. With the movie paused, the screen dulled and it was just the two of them on the couch in the almost-dark. He couldn’t avoid looking at Baekhyun anymore. So he didn’t. The instant that he turned his head, Baekhyun reached up to cup his cheek and looked at him with a furrowed brow.
“Oh, babe.”
“I’m okay.”
Baekhyun pulled him in, holding the back of his head so that Kyungsoo’s chin fit on his shoulder. He held him tightly. Kyungsoo closed his eyes and hugged him back.
“I love you. You’ve worked hard.”
The words were both what he needed and what he feared. They made his chest feel tighter. “Baekhyun,” he said after a moment. “I think I’m sad.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s okay.”
“I don’t want you to stop holding me.”
“I won’t.”
“I want to quit my job.”
It sounded like a confession, and it felt like one. Even though Baekhyun knew he wasn’t happy at work, he’d never said that he wanted to quit out loud. They didn’t have the luxury to let go of the source of income either of them had. They’d just bought a house together and wanted to get married. What Kyungsoo was saying was entirely selfish. It wasn’t like Baekhyun was in love with his work, either. But it was understood that they’d have to sacrifice at least a part of their happiness in life if they wanted to do everything they planned to do. Kyungsoo couldn’t quit.
Baekhyun wasn’t saying anything. Kyungsoo could feel something welling inside of him, but even as his breath wavered he didn’t cry.
“I won’t,” Kyungsoo said. “I won’t. I promise. I’m sorry. This is just… it’s just that it was busy today” (the truth) “and I was the only one working in the kitchen” (also the truth) “and I felt tired” (the truth). Then, the lie, “I just felt like saying it.” Without a response, he felt like he had to continue. “I know we need me to keep this job, so don’t worry. It’s not that bad. I just need to stick with it for another year and then we’ll have enough for the wedding and I can maybe find a new job and quit after that. Baekhyun, please say something.”
“You don’t have to make excuses, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun said finally. Kyungsoo, for a moment, couldn’t breathe. “You’re unhappy. That’s all that matters.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You should quit.”
“What?” At that, Kyungsoo drew back. When he saw Baekhyun’s expression, he realized he was serious. “I can’t.”
“You can. You don’t have to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy. You shouldn’t. Listen, we have enough saved for you to be unemployed for a bit while you look for a different job. It’s okay. And I’m working, too. So we’ll be fine.”
“It’ll set us back. We won’t be able to get married at a reasonable time and I can’t just let you work by yourself.”
“You did it for me when I was getting my degree, remember? And there is no such thing as an unreasonable time. We can take as long as we want. I’m not in a rush.”
“I can’t quit.”
Baekhyun held his hands, playing with his fingers. “What are you afraid of?”
The question caught him off-guard. Kyungsoo wasn’t afraid. But maybe he was. Now that Baekhyun asked him, there it was in the pit of his stomach. Fear. “What if nothing changes?” Kyungsoo asked. “What if it’s impossible to be happy?”
“Are you unhappy with me?”
“No,” Kyungsoo said. “Sometimes.”
“Why?”
Now Kyungsoo had to pull a hand away to rub his eye before anything could escape. “I love you. But the more that I love you the more that I feel like I’ll lose it. It doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel possible to be so happy. It’s like home and you are different from real life. And every time I’m happy with you it reminds me that I’m not going to be happy forever.”
“Forever isn’t real, you’re right.” Baekhyun smiled at him a little, though it didn’t look as sweet as it usually did. It was sadder. “I’m sorry you feel like this. I’m sorry you can’t enjoy happy moments. I wish I could make it all better, but I know sometimes it’s not something you can help. But with your job… maybe you won’t be happier if you quit and find a new place. But you know you aren’t happy now. Isn’t it better to take a risk for something that might make you happier than to stick with something you know you don’t like?”
Kyungsoo understood what Baekhyun was saying. But he was still afraid. “Yeah.”
“I’m not going to pressure you into quitting if you don’t feel like you’re ready. Still, I want you to know that whatever you choose to do, I’ll support you. I want you to be happy. That’s the most important thing to me. No matter what, it will always be the most important thing to me.”
“Okay.”
“Call out of work tomorrow.”
“I can’t. It’s too late.”
“Tell them you’re sick. Just for tomorrow. Okay? Just for tomorrow, give yourself a break. I’ll call out of work too.”
Kyungsoo was so tired. He wanted to give up, wanted to collapse into Baekhyun’s arms and not worry anymore. And there was Baekhyun, so willing to catch him.
“I’ll stay with you,” Baekhyun said.
“Okay.”