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Baekhyun is past tears. It’s too much to cry when he’s too tired to breathe, sitting at his kitchen table with a cup of warm water in front of him, picking at the ketchup sticker and listening to the clock tick by. These days it’s been hard to sleep without hearing it. He thought he was used to the silence of living alone, but now it seems he’ll never get used to it.
“I still hate you,” Baekhyun says aloud. The ketchup bottle says nothing. The clock ticks on.
If only he could convince himself that that’s the case. When he and Chanyeol finally broke up for real, he screamed it, slamming the door shut for the last time. They were an on and off couple. Everyone always told him it wasn’t healthy but he always found an excuse. There were always reasons to stay. It was a misunderstanding. Or of course Chanyeol would be possessive of his time; Baekhyun was always out and they were a couple, of course he should give more time to him. But really, he hated him. He hated being alone but he hated Chanyeol more in that moment, and it was enough to make him end things for good.
He wants to keep hating him. Even though… even if…
Brrrring! The doorbell. Baekhyun takes a difficult breath and stands, but by the time he gets there the door is already unlocked.
“Baekhyun.”
It’s Kyungsoo. Baekhyun doesn’t know what he should say. He tries for a smile, but it feels all wrong. “When did you get here? Shouldn’t you be in Belgium, eating waffles or sight-seeing or someth—”
All at once, Kyungsoo closes the door and envelopes him in a hug, cutting him off. It’s the obvious thing to do, but it still catches Baekhyun off-guard. His smile freezes for a moment before it drops and he buries his face into Kyungsoo’s shoulder.
“I heard what happened.”
“It’s…”
“I left as soon as I heard.”
Of course he did. Baekhyun can’t manage a laugh, not even in his head. “You need to stop putting me first.”
“I talked it out with my professors. It’s fine.”
“That’s not the point.”
“It’s not what’s important, either.”
Baekhyun falls silent.
“I’m not going to ask how you are. I’m just going to hold you, so push me away whenever you want.”
As if he could. His eyes are watering a little but he laughs out of spite, tired. “I’m a fucking mess.”
“It’s okay.”
“He’s dead, and I’m trying to hate him, which is so fucking stupid and self-centered, like I know his family is really upset and I wish I could talk to his sister and tell her it’s going to be okay, but we aren’t like that anymore. And it isn’t about me. But I don’t want to forgive him, but he’s dead.”
Kyungsoo says nothing, only listens.
“I thought I was over him,” Baekhyun says bitterly. “If I was really over him, would I want to hate him this much?”
There is no right thing to say, which is why Baekhyun doesn’t expect an answer, and Kyungsoo doesn’t give one. But it at least feels like something, having Kyungsoo hug him and saying all this to him, knowing he won’t judge him.
“Have you eaten yet?” Kyungsoo asks after a long moment of silence.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Are you tired?”
“Yeah.” God, he’s so tired.
“Let’s go,” Kyungsoo says, “to bed.” Then he clarifies, “I’ll tuck you in or something. I hope you don’t mind me crashing on your couch. I didn’t tell my parents I was coming back, so…”
They go to Baekhyun’s room, which used to be his and Chanyeol’s, except really it was never Chanyeol’s but Chanyeol always comes— came — to sleep over so it seemed like it was theirs, but they’ve broken up and he’s gone either way so Baekhyun doesn’t know why he’s thinking about it. Kyungsoo really does tuck him in. He takes Baekhyun’s comforter and flaps it out over him, then takes care to make sure he’s completely covered.
“Where’s Teddy?”
His stuffed animal. Baekhyun hides underneath the sheets. “I’m not a kid.”
“Okay.”
“... He’s in the closet, on the top shelf.”
All he hears is a soft laugh and the bed lifts when Kyungsoo leaves to get his teddy bear. Chanyeol told him he should get rid of it. It’s from his mom, though, when he was younger, before she passed away. But he always told him it was childish. Still, Baekhyun couldn’t stand to throw him out and kept him in the closet instead.
Come to think of it, and Baekhyun thinks about it while Kyungsoo stretches to retrieve the stuffed animal, the argument over what to do with Teddy was the first time Kyungsoo showed he didn’t like Chanyeol. For a while, Kyungsoo was silent about it. Baekhyun would invite him over to hang out with them, even though Chanyeol always gave him shit about it later, and Kyungsoo wouldn’t say a thing. Only when Baekhyun mentioned his stuffed animal did Kyungsoo say something.
“Are you sure he’s worth it?”
“It’s just a teddy bear, Kyungsoo.”
“But it’s important to you. You told him it’s important to you.”
“I think you’re overreacting.”
“Okay,” Kyungsoo said. And that was all. Baekhyun was frustrated about it back then, but maybe Kyungsoo had been right. It’s little, but it’s big, and that’s what Baekhyun missed.
Kyungsoo sits on the edge of the bed and tucks Teddy in beside him, taking him in. What he sees, Baekhyun doesn’t know. “Whatever you need, tell me. I’ll be here.”
“Okay,” Baekhyun says.
The whirring of the fan is all he can hear. Then it’s the blood rushing in his ears when Kyungsoo moves to stand, and he grabs his wrist.
“Can… Can you stay?”
“Okay.”
That’s all it takes. Kyungsoo slides in beside him and Baekhyun feels a sudden flood of relief. Fuck, this is it, this is what will make him cry: Kyungsoo understanding what it is that he needs, just a slight lingering of Baekhyun’s fingers on his skin and he knows to put his arms around him.
“It’s going to be okay.”
He isn’t lying. Everything always gets better. Baekhyun believes that. Things come and go, his relationship with Chanyeol came and went, so did Chanyeol and this, too, will pass. But right now it isn’t okay. His chest hurts. He’s silent until a small sob escapes his lips. Still, that’s the only thing that comes out, and Baekhyun lets his tears wet the front of Kyungsoo’s shirt until there aren’t any left.
They don’t speak. Kyungsoo rubs his back even after he quiets. And it’s to that sensation that Baekhyun falls asleep, to the steady and familiar.
Tomorrow will come.