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“I love you.”
This is the first thing Kyungsoo tells Baekhyun when it’s over. It’s always the first thing. Kyungsoo wants him to know that before anything else, and he knows, holding Baekhyun while he cries, that it’s what he needs.
He’s never been a worrier, but with Baekhyun, worrying is a tendency of his. He knows when Baekhyun asks him for this kind of sex — the push and pull, needy, all-consuming kind of sex — that it’s because there’s something he wants to escape from. Kyungsoo has always tried his best to help him forget everything that ties down his mind, but as much as Kyungsoo tries, Baekhyun can only escape for so long before it comes back in the after.
This is the after.
Kyungsoo scoots back until he hits the headboard and lets Baekhyun curl up on his lap. It doesn’t bother him that Baekhyun is covered in sweat and cum. He rubs his skin and kisses his hair and holds him tight.
“I’m here, baby. I love you.”
Baekhyun reacts the most to pet names. Kyungsoo found that out a long time ago, on one particularly bad night. He held his face and told him, I’m not leaving you, baby, and Baekhyun quieted right away. Now, even though Kyungsoo isn’t the type to use pet names, he does it for Baekhyun.
“You did so well,” Kyungsoo says, rocking Baekhyun gently. “You were so good for me.”
Baekhyun lets out a shuddering breath. Even though he isn’t crying loudly anymore, Kyungsoo can hear it building again in his voice. “I’m scared.”
“Scared why?”
“What if I’m not good enough?” Baekhyun asks. “What if I fail? But I’m so tired, Kyungsoo. I don’t want to go and do everything again. I just want to stay here with you. But if I do, I won’t do well. And…” Baekhyun hiccups. He clutches Kyungsoo’s arm tightly. “Is it okay?” he asks in a small voice. “Is it okay if I’m not good enough? I’m so tired of trying to be good enough. It’s so hard. I don’t want to anymore, Kyungsoo. Please don’t make me do it anymore.”
The last part comes out as a sob. It makes Kyungsoo’s heart ache. The plead isn’t really for him, Kyungsoo knows it. After all, it isn’t Kyungsoo who pushes Baekhyun, but Baekhyun himself. Still, Kyungsoo understands. He wants permission. He’s asking for permission to let go. “You don’t have to try anymore, Baekhyunnie.” Kyungsoo speaks softly, slowly, so that Baekhyun feels every word. “You don’t have to be good enough. You don’t have to be ahead.” He wants to tell Baekhyun that he’s good enough no matter what. That it doesn’t matter if he does well; he’ll be good enough anyway. But those words have never gotten through to Baekhyun. Not in moments like these. “You can let go. I promise I’ll never be disappointed in you. You'll always be someone I admire.”
“I don’t feel like I’m lovable,” Baekhyun says.
“You are.”
“I think if I don’t do well, no one will love me.”
“I’ll love you. I’ll love you even if you don’t do well. There are a million people who will love you even if you don’t do well.”
“A million?”
“Yes. And I’m one of them.” Kyungsoo kisses his head. “Your worth is more than your work. I promise. You’re worth so, so much more than that.”
Baekhyun sniffles, finally quieting. “Was I good today?”
“You were very good today,” Kyungsoo says. “You listened to me so well. You’re always a good boy, Baekhyunnie. Even when you’re naughty, you’re still good to me.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Can we cuddle now?”
They already are, but Kyungsoo gets what he’s asking for. Gently, he lays Baekhyun down, reaching for the blanket at their feet to pull over them. Immediately, Baekhyun goes to his chest.
“I don’t want to go,” Baekhyun says.
“You don’t have to. There’s nowhere to go, Baekhyunnie.”
The words sink in. Baekhyun presses closer. “Tell me again.”
“I love you,” Kyungsoo says. “I love you so much. All of you. Always.”
“All of me,” Baekhyun echoes tiredly.
“Yes.”
“Always?”
“Always.”
Baekhyun hums. Kyungsoo listens to him breathe out, and feels him relax in his arms.
It’s time to rest.