Chapter Text
‘Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck’. The persistent mantra swirled around Neil’s mind as the rising stress threatened to overwhelm him. The subdued chaos of the chapel swamped all of his senses; he could hear the stern whispers of parents attempting to extinguish mischief, he could see the hopeful eyes of the young boys, and he could feel the sense of dread drip down his spine. Fuck.
It was the first of September, the day of Welton Academy's induction ceremony. Neil’s father had volunteered his son as one of the four to carry the banner past the pews to the front of the dimly lit church. The anticipation of the upcoming stress that would ensue after Neil would wake up the next morning was what tormented him the most.
The yowls of the bagpipes commenced and Neil wiped any emotion off of his face, dutifully stepping in line with his banner, the word excellence arrogantly sewn on. Faces of rigid parents and the gloomy boys peered at them as they walked through the candlelit chapel.
At the front of the chapel, he used the opportunity to scan the mass of prestigious pairs of parents and their scowling sons. He settled on a boy who looked his age but who he didn’t recognise. He had mousy hair and his alarmed looking eyes seemed to be staring intently at his feet, as if he couldn’t shift his gaze for longer than a second, even if he wanted to. Neil immediately understood how he felt, except that Neil had learned to put on an externally perfect mask to hide his vulnerabilities; a ritual to protect himself from those who he needs shielding from.
As he reluctantly dragged his gaze from the boy to sit back down in the pews, he was met with the relieving sight of Charlie staring back at him, mouth curled up in a smirk, as ever. He relished in the sight he had been deprived of for the tenuous months of the summer, which he had spent isolated under the reigns of his father.
His father, the root of all of his dread, had all of his resentment concentrated in his eyes, which followed him icily as he took a seat next to him. The glimmer of optimism he had from a glance at Charlie had been stomped out as if a pair of clunky boots were ruining the innocence of fresh snow. The stamped out snow had melted and Neil was left with a soggy feeling; his clothes were perpetually damp, however long he stayed in the sun.
“Ladies and gentlemen… boys, the light of knowledge,” Nolan spoke to the room as the organs began to play. “One hundred years ago, in 1859, 41 boys,”
Neil already found his tired eyes drifting along the cracks in the walls, the noise of Nolan commencing the speech, which he makes every year, muffling into the background.
He felt a sharp pinch on his left thigh from his father, which made his shoulders jerk up to his ears.
“Gentlemen, what are the four pillars?”
He barely registered as he stood up from his seat.
“Tradition. Honour. Dedication. Excellence.”
As he quickly returned to sitting, he examined Nolan’s crabby face, thinking spitefully that he was either a sadist or that he genuinely had wished to be a boring prep school headteacher ever since he was told to make a wish as he blew out his birthday candles. This humorous thought eased the pit of anxiety in his stomach momentarily; boring people will lead boring lives. He fondly thought back to Charlie, who was so opposed to his parents that his life is destined to be interesting, even if the ‘no fucks given attitude’ is just a facade.
“As you know, our beloved Mr. Portius of the English department retired last term. You will have the opportunity later to meet his replacement, Mr. John Keating, himself a graduate of this school. And who, for the past several years, has been teaching at the highly regarded Chester School in London.”
Great, Neil thought, Another soulless clone of Nolan.
***
Itching to escape the grasp of his father and reunite with his friends, he politely conformed with the surface level conversation, his thoughts lingered elsewhere as they had ever since he had found out he was sharing a dorm with the quiet boy he had spotted earlier.
A heavy hand clamped down on his shoulder, effectively breaking the hazy bubble of his thoughts. “We expect great things from you this year,” Nolan impressed upon him.
The words to Neil were a ghost of the compliment they were supposed to be, ultimately adding to the disabling amount of pressure that already existed on his shoulders. His father gave him a threatening smile that never managed to reach his eyes, as if to punctuate the point.
After finally shedding the presence of his father, excitement began to build as he spotted his new roommate alone in the campus. Eager to properly meet him after he had felt such a kinship with him, Neil sprung towards the boy.
“Hey, I hear we’re going to be roommates. I’m Neil Perry,” he said enthusiastically. As he said his own name, it almost seemed unrecognised. They shook hands as the other boy fumbled over his words. Neil noticed how his hands were smaller than his own, skin was soft as they touched in the firm grip, but he shook off the thought as quickly as it came.
“I’m Todd Anderson”.
***
“Meeks. Door closed.” Charlie said cheekily.
“Yes sir” he replied, weaving into the joke. It felt so right to be back in the presence of his friends, even the new company of Todd felt a natural part of their group, as if there was always a part missing and he just slipped into place, but maybe that was just to Neil, as the others didn’t really seem to notice him.
When they had meandered back through the corridors to their dorm, Neil had noticed that Todd wasn’t comfortable enough to speak so he explained memories of Charlie messing around as they passed certain spots. Although he had never verbally responded, Neil felt as though Todd had appreciated the distraction.
“Travesty! Horror! Decadence! Excrement!” They echoed. It had become a tradition between the group after they all shared a mutual dismay of the boring ceremony all those years ago.
“Okay, study group. Meeks aced Latin. I didn't quite flunk English. So, if you want, we've got our study group,” Charlie said as he made himself comfortable on Neil’s bed.
Neil thought that sometimes Cameron just didn’t get it. It seemed as though whatever he said was an attempt to fit in and it fell flat. It made Neil feel sorry for him, so he voiced that Cameron should be part of the study group too, much to the dismay of Charlie, who was very blatant in his exasperation with his roommate.
“What’s his speciality? Bootlicking?” Charlie quipped, as could be expected.
“He’s your roommate…”
“That’s not my fault,” Charlie chuckled.
He watched as Todd timidly met the others; he seemed so out of his depth and Neil wanted to bring him back to the shallows so he introduced him before Todd could stumble, placing a hand on his shoulder as if he couldn’t help it.
“Welcome to Hellton.”
“It’s every bit as tough as they say, unless you’re a genius like Meeks,” Charlie added.
“He flatters me, that’s why I help him with Latin,” Meeks continued, with a sweeping hand gesture.
“And English, and trig,” Charlie coughed from the cigarette smoke.
A rush of panicked hands flapped the cigarette smoke when there was a startling knock on the door. “It’s open.” Neil felt his elated expression drop as he watched the figure of his father emerge, the same trickle of dread sinking into his bones.
“Father. I thought you’d gone,” his voice broke on the last word and he scolded himself for it; he hated showing weakness in front of someone who would use it against you. The rest of his friends threw cautious glances to each other as they sat back down to their original positions.
“Neil, I’ve just spoken to Mr Nolan and I think you’re taking too many extracurricular activities this semester and I’ve decided you should drop the school annual,” he said stiffly, his hat held in his hand.
“But I’m the assistant editor this year,” Neil cried, even though he knew it was useless to try and argue.
“Well, I’m sorry.” Neil knew that he wasn’t.
“But father I can’t, it wouldn’t be fair…”
“Fellas,” he interrupted sharply, his cold features seemed to be bored with annoyance and Neil knew he had gone too far by simply disagreeing with him, “Would you excuse us a moment.” It wasn’t a question.
As Neil hesitantly followed his father out into the hallway, he felt numb with frustration.
“Don’t you ever dispute me in public, do you understand?” he hissed through gritted teeth.
“Father, I wasn’t disputing you I…”
“When you finish medical school and you’re on your own, then you can do what you damn well please but until then you do as I tell you, is that clear?”
Under the firm grip of his father’s hand on his blazer and the stern stare boring into him, Neil felt himself internally give up, deciding it wasn’t worth the struggle.
“Yes sir, I’m sorry.”
“You know how much this means to your mother, don't you?”
“Yes sir. You know me, always taking on too much.”
With one last slap on Neil’s shoulder, Mr Perry finally took off down the corridor, for good this time Neil hoped. The pain and resentment welled inside of him, threatening to overspill as he collapsed onto his bed, next to where Todd was still unpacking. Charlie, Knox and Meeks had left after they arranged the study group, not before questioning why Neil let his father treat him like that, as if they weren’t the same.
The ceiling, which he was staring at, began to blur as his eyes glazed over, the aftertaste of the cruel words lingering in his dry mouth. Fuck.
***
The first study group of the semester, was held in Meeks and Pitts’ room, which had been peppered with MIT merchandise; the university that the pair dreamt of. The other boys were procrastinating their dull chemistry homework.
“So come on then Charlie, tell us about all these girls that you ‘charmed’ over the summer,” Knox asked, as he dropped his pen, surrendering any more work that needed to be finished.
“Well,” Charlie said, his signature smirk emerging, “what would you like to know?” He questioned, punctuating the statement with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
Neil arose from his uncomfortable chair as he grumbled a vague excuse under his breath about getting a proper night's sleep before the first day of lessons. His friends offered distracted goodbyes, but remained engrossed in how Charlie recounted his lewd stories.
As Neil clicked the door shut behind him, he stepped out into the cool corridor and took a deep breath.
Neil had known he was gay since he was 13, ever since he had stumbled upon a hidden book in the public library near his house, where he was supposedly ‘studying’ at the time. After reading the love between two boys, everything had seemed to shift into place. Swiftly, all the awkward fumbles and feelings that he had had made sense to him. Knowing the stigma around being gay, especially his father’s attitudes that made him disgusted to even utter words surrounding the subject, he had never told anyone… except Charlie. He shared his first kiss with Charlie out of obligation when they realised they both liked boys at the innocent age of 14. Pretty instantaneously, it became abundantly clear that their connection was simply platonic, but at least it was something they could look back fondly on and laugh; a secret between friends. Even still, after four years of coming to terms with it, it still bothered him that he couldn’t talk as openly as his friends.
Neil retreated back to the dorm to find Todd already wrapped up in the raggedy blankets that the school provides. The main light was switched off, but Todd had a small reading light attached to the metal frame of his bed, emitting a dim glow of amber light, casting exaggerated shadows of his features on the wall. As Neil slipped through the door, Todd quickly slammed his book shut and stuffed it under his rumpled sheets. Curiosity spiked in Neil, which he expressed with a small chuckle, but he didn’t ask what book Todd was reading, as it was clear he didn’t want Neil to know.
As Neil got ready for sleep, changing into his tartan pyjamas and getting into the stiff bed, which had springs that poked into his lower back, a comfortable silence stretched between the two boys. Neil found this surprising as it was only their first night sharing a dorm. The quiet was only broken a few minutes after the reading light had been switched off. Todd huffed as if he was internally debating with himself.
“The book I was reading,” he said softly after a few more seconds of silence. Neil felt charged at the prospect of Todd opening up to him; it must have been the anonymity of lying in the dark that made Todd comfortable enough to speak.
“It was a book of poems,” he confessed. Neil couldn’t gauge whether he was surprised or not. Whilst it was unusual for a boy their age to be interested in poetry, Todd did seem like the poet type didn’t he?
“What’s your favourite one?” Neil responded after a pause.
“Oh, it’s er… well I’m not too sure. I’m fond of Whitman’s poems but I haven’t finished the book yet so I don’t know.” Todd wobbled over his words as he spoke, as if he wasn’t expecting Neil to care.
“Well, let me know when you find it, I’d love to hear it,” Neil replied easily. “Have you ever written your own poetry?” He asked, not wanting the conversation to end yet.
“Oh, um well not fully, just bits and bobs really,” Todd replied rushedly, the words hardly comprehensible.
“Well, I’m sure you’re really good.”
If it had been daylight, Neil would have been able to see how Todd had turned away towards the wall as an attempt to hide his blush.
“G’night Todd.”
“Night.”