Work Text:
For every 5 steps I take forward I feel like I fall one back. Just when I think that Erebor is making progress on rebuilding we seem to encounter a problem. The smell of stone lingers even when I am not in the thick of the construction.
I keep looking for you, waiting for your voice to pipe up but it never comes. Everything would be so much easier if you were by my side. Shared whispers and suppressed laughs.
You spend your days outside of the mountain, with your bow and arrow. I can’t say that I blame you, I would want nothing more than to be out there with you. Thorin is leaving us though, leaving Erebor to go with Bilbo so I must learn as much as I can while he is still with us.
I keep asking you to come to council meetings, I want you to be a part of this, to share it with you but you seem distant. For a while I wondered if you were leaving the mountain to see the she-elf but I must admit that I had one of the guard’s follow you and they said you were alone out in the woods. So I do not understand why you will not share this with me, we have always shared everything.
I would stop production on this whole kingdom if it meant you would tell me what is wrong.
We used to talk of our futures, how they would be entwined with one another’s until our voices were raw and the only light came from the stars.
Now I am here in these halls, surrounded by stone, waiting to become a permanent fixture in this place without you.
Days passed and I had not seen you. I would call out your name and you would go in the opposite direction. Time is being measured differently now. I count it in only the moments I see you, fleeting glimpses.
I made my way to your room. I could not sleep and all I kept thinking about was when we were younger and you would crawl into my bed at night.
I heard screaming them. Your screaming carrying through the halls, feel it vibrating in the stone. I ran to your room then. Kili! Kili! I pushed the door open to see you thrashing around in bed., furs pushed to the floor.
Fili! My name fell from your lips, filled with anguish and desperation.
Kili! I’m here. I rushed to your side. Your eyes shot open and you backed against the wall, your chest heaving.
I moved to the edge of the bed, giving you space. It felt like all of Middle Earth was between us in that moment.
Your eyes were moving rapidly, fingers trembling.
I kept my voice soft. I’m here Kee, I’m right here.
You put your head in your hands, kept your breathing deep. We stayed like that, space between us until your breathing evened out.
Why didn’t you tell me that you were having nightmares?
You stayed silent, your eyes wouldn’t meet mine.
I reached out, my hand touching ours. It was like everything was slotting back into place, the world balancing itself out. The out of place feeling I had been having, uncertainty of the future didn’t seem so important anymore. You finally looked at me then, you could feel it too. Because they’re about you.
I don’t understand.
You don’t know what it was like to see you bleeding out onto the snow. I thought that I had lost you.
I’m right here Kee.
I know that, I know. It’s just…..it’s here. You pointed at your heart then, your eyes looking far off. It’s stayed with me, that feeling when I thought that you had been taken away from me.
Not from Middle Earth, from home, from your people, but you. The weight of your words pressed down on my shoulders, I was now carrying them for the rest of my life.
Come with me. I held out my hand to you. You looked at me hesitantly but your fingers soon found mine.
We went outside, branches breaking under our feet. Thousands of stars lighting up the sky. It reminded me of Ered Luin, of the quest to reclaim Erebor. Countless memories of you by my side trying to name all of the constellations.
Where are we going? It was the first time you had spoken since we left the mountain.
You’ll see.
I didn’t take you far, just to the clearing that we used to go to before I got too wrapped up in the rebuilding to notice that something was wrong with you, with us.
I laid down in the grass, eyes focused on the night sky. You looked down at me curiously, eyebrows raised before you shrugged and laid down next to me.
You put space between us, too much space, like when we were in your room. I slid closer to you, our sides touching. I heard your intake of breath and tried to fight the smile on my face.
We haven’t talked about what we are going to do next.
What’s the point, we have everything we’ve ever wanted. There was defeat tinged in your voice.
Do we? I turned to look at you then, the light from the moon casting blue light across your features. Your hair shone silver and blue. I took in the sight of you, tried to etch it into my memory.
All we ever wanted was Erebor, we have it now. Your voice was quiet, there was something there that you weren’t telling me.
It’s not all I’ve ever wanted.
You looked at me then, your eyes searching mine.
All I have ever known is this life, us.
I leaned in close, the sound of your breathing hitting my ears. You didn’t move, your eyes stayed locked on mine.
Our lips touched and it was waves hitting the rocks. It was gasping for air and having too much all at once. You surged forward, pushing me onto my back. Your legs wrapped around me, pinning me down. Your lips found mine again, hands roaming, lifting up your tunic. Burning skin and light touches. Your hunger evident on your tongue. This was my kingdom and I was setting out to rule.
You pulled away then, breathing heavy. Now I have everything I want.
I smiled up at you then. Are you going to come to the meetings now?
You rolled your eyes and I pulled your down by your collar, our lips meeting.
We took turns untangling the knots and taking each other a part. Unraveling and being stitched back together.
I will be the strength when you are weak, patience when you have none, your voice of reason when you are impulsive. Your guiding light in the dark. I will be the sun, moon, and stars. Let me name them all after you.