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The easy part, they learn, is confessing a mutual attraction and asking the other out on a date.
The hard part? Having the date.
Stede Bonnet met Edward Teach, otherwise known as Blackbeard, the master tattoo artist, after a bet gone wrong (or maybe it had gone right? Honestly, he’d side with right). As a history professor, he’d bet his class that if they’d all passed the final with over 90%, he’d get a tattoo (his first!) to commemorate the event.
Stede doesn’t think he’s ever seen students work as hard as they had to make sure their professor got a tattoo. Even students who had been failing the class for one reason or another jumped into action. The lowest score had been a 91% and he’d put on his best theatrics and ‘woe is me’ attitude to deliver the dreadful news that he’d have to get a tattoo.
His students promptly created an online group in order to keep tabs on the tattoo progress. They’d taught Stede how to use the group, then discussions on what the tattoo should look like took off, until Stede had finally suggested he’d get a small lighthouse and dove into an online lecture about the meaning of lighthouses. Another student had suggested Blackbeard and after a bit of back and forth, he’d had his tattoo booked.
Blackbeard (“Call me Edward”) was a delight.
Stede had been nervous at first. The jitters of a first tattoo combined with the gothic, leather look of the shop (really, he wasn’t sure how to describe the look other than his complete opposite) had him stumbling over the threshold, uttering a nervous laugh as he straightened his pastel pink linen shirt, and poorly recovering as he wandered up to the reception desk.
Edward had been smitten the second an angel in bright clothes stumbled over the threshold of his shop and stuttered out, “A-Ah … I have an … Appointment? Stede Bonnet! I– … I’m sure I’m in the right place … Right?”
He’d gotten Stede cleaned up and prepped and within the hour, Stede had a small tattoo of a lighthouse above his left ankle. Edward had even snapped a selfie of himself with the tattoo to send to Stede’s students.
Throughout the hour, the two had talked to fill the gap between them. Edward had learned that Stede was a divorcee with two children, he was a history professor, and pretty much obsessed with pirates. Stede had learned that Edward had a failed engagement (and still worked with the guy), had a motorcycle, and thought Stede’s hair was the softest thing he’d ever felt after asking if he could touch it because it looked like the texture of cotton candy.
By the end of the session, Edward sat back in his chair and asked Stede, “You wanna do something crazy?”
That was how Stede learned how to tattoo.
Edward had picked out a spot on his calf, slapped a small stencil on, and showed Stede how to follow the stencil. It was a wobbly attempt, like a child learning to use a pencil for the first time, but Edward spewed words of encouragement and by god, it was fun. Edward had even recorded it for Stede to send to his students.
Once it was over, the two had blurted out “will you go out on a date with me?” at the same time. Or rather, it was more like
“You wanna go grab a pint?”
“Would you like to have dinner with me?”
Stede and Edward had laughed and exchanged phone numbers with a plan to meet up on Saturday for dinner. In the meantime, they filled their time apart with text messages about tattoos, poorly understood memes (“One of my students sent this!”), and life in general.
When Saturday rolled around, it was Edward who had to cancel first.
“Sorry, mate … A fuckin’ water pipe burst … Whole shop’s flooded and I gotta deal with some dickhead insurance guy.”
Stede had stopped by the shop in a pair of fishing waders (Izzy, Ed’s ex, had loudly proclaimed “what the fuck?” as soon as he’d seen him) and had helped to clean the water out of the shop. He’d even bought beers for the whole shop once the majority of the work had been completed. It had sort of been a date, if they squinted and ignored the fact that other people had been there, but neither of them wanted to count it, so they’d scheduled for the following Friday.
This time, it was Stede’s turn to cancel. He’d called, panicking and tripping over words, apologizing profusely for needing to cancel, but his ex-wife had had a work emergency and left him with the children and poor Alma had gotten tangled in the sheets of her bunk bed while they’d been playing pirates and had fallen out only to break her arm. Edward had calmed Stede and reassured him it was fine before asking where they were.
That was how Edward met Alma and Louis.
He’d shown up at the doctor’s office Stede had told him they were at with a brand new pirate hat for Alma and a fake sword for Louis (the two had promptly swapped) and tried to reassure Stede and the children that everything was alright. After all, he’d broken almost every bone in his body (at least it felt that way). As Alma’s arm was tended to, he’d recounted stories about various bones in his body and even a couple visible scars that Louis had pointed out on his arms.
“And this is why you’re never getting a motorcycle,” Stede had said sternly, arms crossed even! It only resulted in everyone in the room laughing until he joined in as well at the absurdity of it all.
They decided that maybe weekends were cursed, so they set their next first date on a Tuesday.
Except Tuesday turns out to be doubly cursed when Edward’s motorcycle gets stolen and Stede loses his wallet on the train.
Thursday, Izzy gets so horribly sick, Edward’s afraid he might actually have to physically carry the fucker to the hospital kicking and screaming. Stede brings a soup, that he swears up and down will cure whatever ailment Izzy has, to Izzy’s apartment.
“Did you—” COUGH “—fucking—” COUGH COUGH “—tell that—” COUGH “—twat where I fucking—” COUGHCOUGH “—live?!”
“No way, man. I’d never do that,” Edward lies through his teeth. “Must’a found the address in the phone book or something.”
Izzy manages, “They don’t even make phone books anymore, Edward!”, through a coughing fit.
Stede leaves the soup with Izzy and, when he visits the shop two days later, Izzy begrudgingly thanks him for the soup and demands to know just what the fuck was in the soup. He steadfastly refuses to admit that it worked and instead insists he needs to know what was in it in order to avoid the combination again. Stede leaves him with the recipe.
Monday, their next planned date night, Stede calls Edward who simply answers the phone, “Alright … What’re we tacklin’ today?”
Stede sighs, “My TA was kicked out by his roommate because they found out he enjoys the company of men … I’ve opened my home to him, but we need to gather his stuff …”
“What’s the address?”
To be quite honest, Stede had been worried about how to get Lucius out of the apartment safely without a fight. Lucius had no qualms about calling his former roommate out on their bigotry, which sent a spiral of insults and … Stede was afraid he might not be quite equipped for this. So when Edward shows up wearing a tank top with “DADDY” written in rainbow letters, accompanied by Izzy (in his usual black attire), Fang (with a bright, rainbow shirt emblazoned with the words “PROUD”), and Ivan (with a shirt the color of the bisexual flag that said “SWING BOTH WAYS”), Stede feels like he might cry.
“This the boyfriend?” Lucius asks Stede when Edward saunters up. “The legendary Blackbeard?”
“We’re not—” Stede says at the same time that Edward says, “I mean, technically we’re not—”
Lucius looks between the two before huffing out a laugh, “Uh huh …”
“We haven’t even had a first date!” Stede protests. He’d bring up that they were supposed to have one today, but this was far more important. First dates could come later.
“Right,” Lucius says, drawing the word out. “Anyways … Andy is upstairs. He’s a bit of an ass … So, y'know … Just look scary and I’m sure he’ll stay out of our way.”
Looking around the group, Lucius points at Izzy, “Like that! This guy has the ‘I want to murder everyone’ down. Just do that to Andy. Thanks!”
Despite Izzy’s protests about not taking orders from others, he does his best job just looking menacing and keeping Andy distracted as Lucius, Stede, Edward, Fang, and Ivan make quick work of all of Lucius’ things. As soon as they’re back at Stede’s home with Lucius’ room set up, Stede orders pizza for everyone and has Lucius run to the store for drinks.
The night ends up being a blast. It’s mostly at Izzy’s expense as they talk about the time they’d rented a boat for an extended fishing trip, only to get caught in choppy waters, causing poor Izzy to be violently ill the entire time. Fang tells them about his new dog. Stede expects it to be a large dog, like a Saint Bernard, but it turns out to be an extremely spoiled Pomeranian. Ivan is apparently preparing for a backpacking trip, and after much begging and pleading, he agrees to pick up a souvenir for Stede.
When things finally wind down, Izzy leaves first with the reminder that they actually do have work tomorrow. Ivan and Fang leave next, splitting the cost of a taxi ride. When Edward stands in the doorway, saying his goodbyes, Stede rocks back and forth on his heels for just a moment too long because Lucius walks by and rolls his eyes.
“Just kiss already!” Lucius says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, before he walks off.
Stede feels his face turn a bright red and he turns his attention back to Edward in order to apologize. Except, Edward is in his face and his lips are on Stede’s and holy shit it’s their first kiss. Stede practically melts into it, fingers digging into the fabric of Edward's tank top. When they finally pull apart, they’re both a bit breathless and suddenly they’re laughing.
“Goodnight, Ed.”
“Night, Stede.”
It takes nearly five months of delays for one reason or another, before the stars finally seem to align just right. They’re optimistically cautious the entire week leading up to it. The day of, Stede and Edward are expecting their phones to go off at every turn.
Their last planned attempt at a first date had been postponed because Fang’s Pomeranian had run away and they had gathered an entire search party to rescue Fifi. They’d, of course, found the dog, but only after several hours of searching, one mud-covered slide down an embankment, and Stede’s very first need for stitches after an unfortunate encounter with a jagged tree branch.
When the two arrive at the restaurant without any incident, they stand outside for nearly ten minutes.
“... Y’think something’s going to happen?” Stede half-whispers, looking around as if the next emergency is going to roll down the hill.
“Dunno, mate … Kinda seems like it should, right?”
“It hasn’t failed us yet …”
Shockingly, the world goes on as normal around them. When they think it’s safe, they finally enter the restaurant and get their seats. Stede wrinkles his nose as he looks over the menu.
“Do you reckon the food is poisoned?”
“Hmm … We haven’t had food poisoning yet,” Edward comments, thinking it over. “Unless you count that time Iz was sick as hell.”
“But that wasn’t food poisoning.”
Edward wags his finger, “Even if we get food poisoning … It won’t come on ‘til after the date … So we still get our date.”
“I concede the point.”
The waiter takes their menus and Stede’s fingers play around his glass nervously. Finally he laughs.
“This is ridiculous, isn’t it?”
“What’s ridiculous is us sitting here thinking something’s gonna get fucked up.”
Stede takes a sip of his drink. “You’re correct … But, based on all the evidence …”
“The universe has it out for us ‘cause it’s a dick,” Edward finishes for him.
“Precisely,” Stede responds. He gives a sigh, leaning back in his chair. “I’m almost afraid to look at my phone …”
“Then don’t.”
“But what if something happens?”
“We deal with it afterwards, unless its an emergency …” Edward says with a shrug. Stede squirms in his seat and Edward squints his eyes, lowering his voice, “Don’t.”
“I gotta!” Stede finally says like a child who can’t keep a secret.
Fishing into his pocket as Edward shakes his head, Stede pulls out his phone with an ‘AHA!’. Unlocking his phone, his eyes dart over the screen before he bursts into laughter. His thumb swipes over the screen a few times, clumsily texting before he holds the phone out for Edward to read.
Lucius [18:23]: Stop looking at your phone. Nothing is on fire. Enjoy your date.
Edward can’t help the laugh that bubbles up, shaking his head. “With our luck, he’ll end up calling to tell us something’s on fire.”
“He’s a nutter,” Stede says, all smiles. “Besides, it’s more likely that the restaurant would catch on fire.”
Their conversation flows easily after that. Stede thinks it helps that he’s known Edward for so long by now. Somewhere after their first kiss, they’d given up all pretense of their relationship not being official, and had happily changed their social media statuses to reflect such. The first date, though … That had been their elusive white whale they had been unable to complete.
Until now.
Which is why, standing outside of the restaurant after dinner, Stede finally feels like it’s the right time.
“So,” Stede starts, clearing his throat. “We’ve finally had our first date …”
“And with all our fingers and toes intact,” Edward says, holding his fingers up and wiggling them for emphasis.
“Miraculously,” Stede responds, laughing. “Ah … I was … Hopefully this isn’t too quick … But would you like to move in with me?”
Edward stands, staring at Stede for a moment, before breaking into laughter. “Mate, you had me worried you were going to break up with me for a moment … ‘Course I’ll move in with you!”
Leaning in, Edward kisses Stede happily. Stede wraps his arms around Edward’s shoulders, overjoyed. They’d had their first date and Edward had agreed to move in with him. What more could he want?
Edward’s phone goes off and he pulls away to pick up the phone. “Hey Iz, what’s up?” There’s a pause before he snorts. “Yeah, we just finished our date. Guess who’s moving!” Another pause, scrunching his face. “No, man … My place is shit. You’ve seen Stede’s, it’s way better … Anyways, what’s up?” This time, a longer pause before Edward barks out a laugh and shakes his head. “No, no, you’re right … ‘s not funny. We’ll be right over … Yeah … Yeah okay. See you soon, man.”
“Should I be concerned?” Stede asks, brow raised.
“Apparently some drunk dickhead went to the shop, demanded to get a tattoo, then got pissed when Iz told him no and decided to wreck the shop,” Edward explains. “But … Iz was on a one-man mission to make sure no one interrupted our date … So he told everyone not to bother us. He just wanted to update me on the situation … But the shops pretty fucked up, so … We should go over there and help him clean.”
“He probably got tired of us complaining so much,” Stede says laughing.
“Probably,” Edward says, grinning.
“What do you think about a second date?”
Edward hums in thought. “Knowing our luck?” He pauses before grinning. “We’ll probably be married before we get that second date.”