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These moments grew more rare by the day, the brief respite found between them both in physical and mental- even spiritual ways. The world had been changing so rapidly, technology was leaping ahead to catch up with where it rightfully should have been, and the people of Paradis had began drawing a line between them. They had a little more than the late evening or early morning but they took every option available to them. It had already been such a great length of time since they were last able to just be together by themselves without anything else in the way. Thankfully her office had a sturdy lock and if someone managed to get past it they'd find him ready to rip them apart for interrupting what they needed, what they deserved.
Levi exhaled a heavy, exhausted sigh against the warm skin before him. His arms tightened, a vice cinching its way along over seconds, and held his prize possessively. He brushed his lips against the flesh before him, then his nose and then up into hair scented faintly with lavender. The body in his arms shifted, leaning back against him, and the press of the muscle in his arms began to form a more solid brace against the lanky form snared in them. A form he found himself aching to touch after less than a day away and much more when the time apart was extended. The head before him turned to the right and a honey-brown iris regarded him as if it had caught him misbehaving. Steel-gray eyes met with it and showed no hint of guilt. In fact, his interest was energized all the more as his eyes followed from her eye to the distinct, prominent shape of her nose. Maybe it was weird he found it so attractive, that it was one of the most cherished features for him, but she seemed to think it was cute that he looked on it so fondly. Levi breathed out softly only to breathe her in, clutching her tighter in his arms.
“Ah- H-hey, you're too strong to squeeze me like this, Levi. It almost hurts.” Hanji spoke, placing her hands on his forearms.
Levi raised his shoulders in a shrug and brought his lips in to press them to her neck gently for a moment, “Then tell me to let go of you.”
Hanji pursed her lips and then scoffed, “Just don't bruise my ribs, once was enough.”
“I hadn't even seen you in weeks, I was thinking of you every single day.”
“I know, you also already apologized and I forgave you. I'm just saying to be mindful... It's still kind of sweet, in retrospect.”
“That I bruised your ribs?” Levi inquired.
“No, that you forgot your own strength because you were so happy to see me- eager to put your arms around me.” Hanji replied with a little shake of her head.
“That's hardly the only thing that was bruis-”
“Don't. The rest of it was... Well, we've had this discussion. In the heat of the moment...”
“In the heat of the moment you enjoy the force of it but it still hurts the next morning?”
Hanji sighed, “That was generally what I was getting at.”
“It's so hard to hold back sometimes.” Levi offered, hardly apologetic.
“So you've said.”
“You're not much better about it.”
“Yes but I tend to bruise myself as much as I bruise you, then.”
“Well right now I'm just enjoying the moment.”
“I am as well but we both know how quickly that escalates.”
“I definitely can't help that.”
“It's flattering in its own right but you can be a little too much.”
Levi let his lips drag over her neck,“Yet you've never once told me to stop.”
“Levi...” Hanji muttered quietly.
“Or to slow down.”
“Levi.”
“Or to be more gentle-”
“Levi!”
“I'm just saying that you don't complain until the next day.”
“Because it's worth it. Not just for how it feels but to see the way you look at me, to hear the way you say my name. The hunger that just... Surrounds you.”
“Because I starve when I don't get to see you. When I don't get to sleep next to you or wake up next to you the next day.”
“Hnnn. Yeah.” Hanji let out with a bit of amusement.
Levi pressed his lips to her neck and seized flesh in his teeth, tugging and letting go. “Things are just so... Busy. I just want time for us.”
“Me, too, Levi. I am constantly exhausted since I was promoted. I don't get to do as much of the research as I used to. I miss it.”
“Things were definitely better than we realized, sort of.”
“It has never been easy but I used to laugh a lot more.”
“You still laugh with me.”
“That's different. You make me forget about everything and I don't feel any of the weight.”
“I get it, I don't think of anything else when I'm with you... But I'm glad I can do that for you.”
“Levi, I'm just glad for you in general. You help me in ways you don't even realize- ways I should probably remember to tell you more often.”
“You don't have to say anything, the difference in how you look on an average day and then how you look when we're stealing away. Not to mention when we're-”
“Levi.”
“I can tell it helps, that I help you, that being with me makes things better.”
“What about you?”
“Pretty much the only time I ever feel any kind of ease is when I'm with you. I'm tense all the time but around you it just fades. You already know the only way you can get me to sleep in my bed is if you're in it.”
“I really wish you didn't sleep in that chair so much. Come on, let's at least sit down. I've been on my feet all day.”
Hanji turned about in Levi's embrace and wrapped her arms around the back of his neck before leaning in and giving him a modest, affectionate kiss. “Come on.” she encouraged him, taking a step back. Levi's embrace loosened enough to allow Hanji to slip out of it and to seize his hand to pull him with her. She fell, more than sat, upon the couch and Levi followed with only slightly more grace. He immediately ensured there was no empty space between them and she grinned at him, squeezing his hand. “Do me a favor...?”
“Boots?”
“Please.”
Levi leaned back while Hanji raised her legs and swiveled them toward his lap and he eagerly intercepted them with a degree of care- like they were so very fragile. With one hand he braced at the point where her thigh met the back of her knee and with his other arm he trapped the sole of the boot between the muscles in his arm and his side. He met her eyes and she nodded to him whereupon Levi pulled back with the muscles in his torso and held her thigh in place and with only a moment of tugging the boot was easily pulled free and placed on the floor. He did the same with the other boot and Hanji exhaled with a relief that bordered on suggestive. Normally this sort of positioning lended itself to something else but they were both still in the middle of conversation.
Hanji crossed her legs and leaned back into the arm of the couch, seeming to find a measure of comfort there,“Back to what I was saying, Levi. I wish you could just stop sleeping in your chair. It has to be so terrible for your back. It's probably half of the reason the muscles in your back are one giant knot, One that we would need a sledgehammer to loosen up. You're like a coiled spring almost all the time...”
Levi watched her, how the light caught on the lenses of her glasses, how her singular eye looked over him. He curled an arm around her legs loosely and turned toward her a bit more properly before giving half a shrug, “I'm used to it, I guess.”
“Well, when this is all over? We're going to make sure that you always sleep in a bed.” Hanji stated as she turned about in his arms.
“I've found you drooling on your desk more times than I can count.”
“This isn't about me! This is about you and getting used to sleeping in a bed. Next to me.”
“If you're in it then it's not going to take much to convince me.”
“I know you're being honest... But you're also being extremely sweet right now.”
“I'm... Yeah, I'm just saying what I mean to say. I don't know about 'sweet', I'm still no good at that. I can, at least, tell you that no one means as much to me as you do.”
Hanji's heart rose on those words, she felt warmth suffuse her from her very core and it all manifested in a severely awkward grin and snort. “I like when you tell me that.”
“I like the way you respond when I tell you that.” Levi divulged, letting his right hand stroke idly along her calf.
Levi looked her over, she was his entire world from toe to tip. He knit his brows, feeling a pang of discomfort in his stomach, “I still... I wish I had been less of an asshole, that I could have been as close to you as possible from the moment we met.”
“We had to build a relationship first. No one immediately becomes best friends- not like we are.” Hanji told him, cocking her head at the shift in his tone.
He shook his head lightly, “Yeah and I still feel like such an asshole for how I treated you.”
Hanji grunted quietly, “I've told you, Levi. It never bothered me. I could tell from the beginning that you were just- Especially after what happened. You were pushing anyone away if they tried to become any kind of friend of yours. I just happened to be a lot more stubborn or maybe stupid than everyone else. People told me that if I kept at it you would probably attack me and I laughed at them. I was and still am so fascinated by you, Levi..”
“I still said things I wish I could take back.”
“You can't take them back but they also didn't hurt me. You were just lashing out, trying to keep yourself from being hurt again.”
“I could have handled things so much better if I had let you be a friend when all of that happened. Or just talked to you.”
“I would have loved to but you were... Well, I can be persistent and I can be oblivious but it was easy to tell you were not in a place where you could very easily talk to someone. I didn't want to make things harder. People grieve in their own ways and sometimes they just need space.”
”I just wish I had understood I needed you, then.”
“You have me now, all to yourself.”
“Pretty sure everyone would be too scared to make a pass at you, now.”
“Because of my rank?”
“Because they think I'd rip their heart out of their chest in front of them.”
“... Yeah, I can see that being a possibility.”
“That people think I would do something like that or that you think I would do something like that?”
“I can't say both?”
“Hanji.”
“You know I would not let you rip someone's heart out. Maybe just a lung. There are two of them, after all.”
“You'd probably enjoy watching it.”
“Yeah, but you knew what you signed up for.”
Levi smiled a bit but he then knit his brows, “Back when that happened, though? I was just... I was so angry about everything, I was angry that the sun even rose. That there were stars in the sky. That I was conscious.”
“You were hurt, Levi. You were suffering, grieving. You were never told how to do that in a healthy way...” Hanji spoke gently to him, reaching up with her right hand to rest it on his upper left arm.
“I hated myself for it, I hated Erwin for putting me in a position where I had to make the choice. I wanted to rip his throat out and watch him bleed to death.”
“Easy, Levi. No matter what you say it will never be your fault. You should always take responsibility for your actions but what you did was use your best judgment with no room to think. You couldn't know anything that would happen and even if it happened again, who's to say it would play out the same? You're the one who is always telling us to make the decision we will regret the least. You told me yourself that you felt you could be quickest so you sent them to help the others. We know that we are going to lose people so we do what we can to make the most of our time. Sometimes we don't get a choice, though.”
“Petra... Her body.”
“Levi...”
“I still think about it. I couldn't do anything. I just had to watch. I would have just been trampled, too. Just like my stomach was full of lead, I felt so heavy, almost like I couldn't move and it all seemed to happen so much slower than it did.”
“Levi, do you think Petra holds it against you? Do you think any of them do? They knew how dangerous the Survey Corps was. They knew that they would lose people.”
“When people just call you 'Humanity's Strongest' you feel like you should be able to do more.”
“That wasn't a label you gave yourself, it isn't one you asked for. People saw that in you but that didn't mean you were infallible or that you could save everyone.”
“It was suffocating.” Levi confided.
Hanji gazed over his features and squeezed at his arm, “I know the feeling, I really do.”
Levi took a breath and a moment to think before he spoke again, “Sorry, I'm not trying to make this all about me-”
Hanji shook her head,“Levi, I love you. You know that. Secondly I'm the only person who can be here for you like this and I feel glad that I can help you sort things out or just have someone here to catch you when you start thinking like this. These unhealthy ways about what happened in the past. Life is so short and we go out and invite it to be even shorter.”
“Part of why I'm glad you were promoted is that you're not out there as often. I don't know how I could do anything without you in my life.”
“I worry about losing you, too, every time you were deployed I would worry. I certainly wouldn't be in a good place if something happened to you but I would have to find some kind of solace that whatever happened? You were fighting for a future where people wouldn't have to be afraid. They wouldn't have to grow up like you did, wouldn't have to lose people like you did.”
“Hanji... One of the deepest secrets I have is that I don't fight for humanity. I haven't in quite a long time.”
“Levi, don't say that. You do it every time you are out there risking your life.”
“But I'm not doing it for humanity. I'm doing it for us. Because I want to have a life with you when this is over- because I want to just be with you and get married and all of that shit that comes with it. All the stuff I knew I'd never get until... You.”
“That... I wish you had never been made to feel that way. While I'm outrageously flattered, think about it Levi. Even if you're fighting for us, we're still part of humanity. You're still fighting for humanity by proxy. Because you're a part of it, I'm a part of it and the only way we can have those things together is if we continue fighting our way to them.”
“I guess I never really thought about it beyond that. I just get selfish, I think about what I want, what is important to me.”
“Well, we certainly couldn't retire if we didn't put an end to this, you know.”
“That's pretty much the whole thing, isn't it?”
“For you to have the future you want, you still have to be fighting on the side of humanity as a whole.”
Hanji looked him over, he looked about as tired as she felt. She caught his gaze and held it for a while, before reaching out with her left hand, “Levi... I wish more people knew how much of you there is behind that shell of yours. I wish more people knew that you felt so many things, that you have fears and desires just like them. Your squad knew it.”
“Somehow. Even when they were bickering they were tolerable. Most of the time it was just stupid things. Sometimes I overheard them arguing over what kind of gift to give me for my birthday but I'm sure I wasn't meant to hear that.” Levi told her, taking her hand and grasping it firmly, fondly.
“They really cared about you and you cared about them even if you showed it in your own way.”
“I guess I did. After Farlan and Isabel I thought I'd never connect to anyone again... Losing people hurts too much.”
Hanji squeezed back at Levi's hand, “It's part of our lives... It hurts, I know how much it hurts, but we need to let it motivate us. To make sure the people we have lost propel us forward and do not die in vain. That their sacrifices mean something.”
“He really knew what he was doing. I wonder how long he even had to think about it...”
“I'm sorry?”
“Erwin. He must have had you in mind to succeed him for a long time. You sound a lot like him.”
“I, well, I did find documents that officially had nominated me to succeed him...”
“Yeah. I figured there was something like that. Something in him was gone near the end. Something changed. I didn't like him but I respected him. He knew what he was doing.”
“I still feel like he could have chosen someone better.” Hanji groused.
Levi shifted a bit toward her, bringing them closer as he looked into that solitary eye, “I can't think of anyone better- even if it is a burden. Someone with compassion, someone who knows the weight of a soldier's life... That's what we needed. Someone who is intelligent and can make the best choices available to them.”
“It doesn't make them any easier to choose. When all you have are bad choices and you have to make one...”
“That's the burden of command, though, isn't it? You can't make the right decision all the time. You just go with your best judgment.”
Hanji smiled gently, “Now we're changing position and you're comforting me. Is the 'best judgment' thing why you forgave yourself for Farlan and Isabel?”
“Petra, Eld... They called me out on it. Petra said I was drinking too much- even if it wasn't while on duty.” Levi recounted as he slowly just allowed himself to sink in alongside Hanji on the couch.
“That had to be scary for them.”
“They knew that I gave extra slack to anyone in my squad. They took advantage of it but for a good reason. Petra was worried about me, Eld was concerned with making sure I didn't let it cloud my judgment.”
“They really looked up to you... Petra and I talked here and there. I am almost certain she had an interest in you beyond just being her squad leader.”
“I would not have been in any kind of mental place for it. Just you and I was such a sudden thing that I still don't know how it happened.”
“Oh, would you like me to remind you? 'Four-Eyes, your whole office is a wreck. You don't put any of these damn books back on the shelf, you don't bathe enough-'” Hanji said in her grumpiest tone she could foster, turning on her side to face toward him.
Levi came to rest between Hanji and the back of the couch and casually wrapped his left arm about her shoulders and the right about the small of her back “You know that's not what I meant. I just don't know what it was that finally let me act on it.”
“Well, it was certainly something you growled in my ear about being too attractive for my own good and not even knowing why you couldn't keep your hands off of me-”
“I really wish I'd been... More gentle about that.” Levi spoke earnestly.
Hanji shrugged a little, moving to press her forehead against his own, “Mmn. It was kind of shocking but, well, I obviously enjoyed it.” Hanji snickered, “I didn't really know what it was like to be seen as so desirable. I hadn't really put a lot of thought into it.”
“Part of it was just having you on my mind a lot and being frustrated because I couldn't think of how to even approach it. I had a thousand things I wanted to say but didn't have words for any of them.”
“A lot of them came across through your actions.”
“I still need to buy you another shirt...”
“A small sacrifice for what became of that short moment together.”
“Was that a jab at-” Levi asked, raising a brow,
Hanji stifled a laugh, “It wasn't but now I think I am going to say it was.”
“It wasn't like I was with anyone else or had been thinking constantly of another person. Wanting to see your skin, feel how soft it was...” Levi explained.
Hanji snorted, “It was... Quick but I also got something out of it.”
“I kind of felt like that was the only way I could justify it or that you wouldn't hate me for losing control of myself.”
“It... Was a lot, Levi. In the moment I felt a lot of things but I wasn't ever afraid. I never tried to stop you or said to quit or resisted you. I was confused but I wasn't in a situation I didn't want to be in to some degree or other. Plus, I had a lot of time to think afterward and I decided that it would all depend on how things between us went from that. If it was just physical or if there was more to it. I mean, there were certainly prettier options-”
“Don't you dare. I know I'm not good at saying this stuff but... I was always- almost always looking at you. Nanaba, Rico, Petra... They were all pretty enough but they weren't you. I still can't put an exact word on it but I was always drawn to you once I actually had a clear enough head to think about it all. Plus, I think it was pretty obvious that Nanaba and Mike were already doing their own thing. You just... You were always in my head to a point that I was mad about it. I couldn't figure out why, what it was, why it was you.”
“Well, I know I don't exactly have the most traditionally attractive for-”
“Shut up, don't even start. How many times have I told you that I love the way you look? That I love every curve on your body regardless of how generous it is?”
“I confess, I was kind of just fishing for a compliment.”
“You can just ask me what I like about you or what parts of you I like most or- Something.”
“What part of me do you like most?”
“The part of you that already knows the answer to that question.”
“I forgot.”
“Mmhm.”
“Leviiii, I really forgot. You think I would lie about this?”
“I think you're having a lot of fun with this.”
“Well... A spade is a spade, I suppose.”
“And I just happen to think the most attractive part of that spade is her mind, her brain. Everything in there that makes her who she is.”
Levi took the moment of silence to bring his lips against her own and close his eyes. Lips he knew more than any but his own, the shape of them and just how pliant they were. How soft they could be in the bedroom and how rough they could be in winter months when deployed. Levi felt the movement at his side as Hanji began to slowly raise her knee upward and he was well aware the pace was deliberate. Hanji dragged her leg as heavily as she could up Levi's side, grinning behind the kiss, and snared his neck tightly in her arms. She both hugged his neck and cradled his head, indulging herself in letting her fingers brush over the short hair at the back of his head. Levi exhaled through his nose and brought his arm from the small of her back to grab her by the back of the knee and pull her leg up most of the way it was bound to travel. The snort he heard from Hanji was all the confirmation he needed that he had put an end to her attempt to tease him. Lips broke, a solitary thread of saliva bridging them for but a moment, and both of them exhaled, staring at one another..
“I should stop, I'm too tired to really follow up on this but... I miss talking to you. I miss you in general. I know we don't get to see each other often so I hate to just, well, kill the mood? I'm just so worn out, Levi. Just tired.” Hanji whispered, the frames of her glasses lightly nudging Levi's face.
“No, it's fine. Trust me, I'd love to keep going but I know it's rough on you. I can see it in your face. How you act. It's obviously taking a toll on you. I just wish I could do something about it. Shoulder the burden for a little while and let you rest.” he said, his hand moving from her knee to the small of her back again.
“It's that obvious... I wouldn't let you carry the burden for me, Levi. I love you and you have a burden you carry too. No one knows more than I do that you would do everything for me if you could but you need your breaks, too. I just wish we could, well, like old times.”
“I would but... Yeah. It's not easy for either of us. Why don't we just... Take a nap or something and see how much time we have left if one of us wakes up early?” Levi suggested, shifting a bit further. “On top?”
Hanji followed with Levi and answered with her actions, draping herself on top of him and tucking her head against his neck. She felt the reassurance of his hand at the back of her head and closed her eyes, “That would be nice. Even if it's quick or small... Something we can share before we have to go. You barely sleep more than a few hours at a time anyway. Wake me up when you wake up and we can see just how much we have time for.”
Levi was tired but he knew very well he wasn't going to be sleeping, “Yeah, just... Rest with me.” he told her, bringing his hand in to gingerly pluck her glasses from her face and place them on a small table nearby. “I'll wake you up when I wake up.”
No, he would wake her up in a few hours, maybe more. He wouldn't be sleeping, he would just be listening to her breathe, feeling the warmth of her body, the weight of her against him. Inhaling the scent off her skin and her hair, placing chaste kisses on her flesh and willing the time to pass so he could help her relieve stress in a more active way. It had been so long he almost forgot what she felt like but at the same time he was certain he could never forget such a wonderful thing. He was going to savor the sound of her breathing, the vague snoring noise she made at times, and if they shifted enough he would listen to her heart thumping away. As it was he could already feel her head migrating to his chest to indulge in such a thing for herself. He smiled to himself and watched the rise and fall of her back, as he thought back to every time she had been the sole thing that kept him going.
“Levi...?” Hanji asked, the fatigue evident in her voice already.
“Yeah?” Levi responded with no delay.
“I love you... I love you so much.”
“I love you, too. More than I know how to say... Now, come on, get some rest.”
Hanji murmured a bit but settled herself once more and went back to drifting toward sleep.
Levi brought his hand from her hair to her back and gently ran it up and down over the fabric, coaxing her to relax and let sleep take her. If he had to choose between test and maximizing the time they could spend together he would choose the latter until she forced him to do otherwise. It was hardly a price to pay at all when it came to her. She was worth everything to him and there was nothing he would not give, do, or say in regards to her. At times he thought about his mother, if she was somewhere else after passing, if she could see his life at all. He wanted her to see, to know that he had not become like the men he had been surrounded by in the underground, that he had managed to reclaim part of himself that it tried to steal away. That he found someone she would have loved to meet, would have just loved in general. If things worked the way the faithful said. Maybe, someday, that could happen but ideally not for a long, long time. As long as he could possibly manage. Hanji had made him believe he could have a happily-ever-after rather than an inevitable gruesome death and he was fighting every day to make that a more feasible outcome. It was all he wanted anymore.