Chapter Text
On the last leg of a journey
They started a long time ago
The arc of a love affair
Rainbows in the high desert air
Mountain passes
Slipping into stones
Hearts and bones
Ellie
Ellie Sattler tensed as she heard the raptor’s screech, heard it scratching at the walls of the trailer. She tried to scream but only a dry sound emerged, she wanted to run but her feet were frozen.
She woke up with a jolt, disorientated and sweating,
Every time the nightmare was the same.
Ellie climbed out of bed and went into the kitchen taking care not to wake Alan who lay asleep on his side, hand thrown across his pillow. He suffered from nightmares as much as she did but tonight he seemed to be sleeping peacefully.
She poured herself some water and sat staring at nothing, running her hands over her face. She felt stifled, too hot and desperate for some fresh air but she was too afraid to go outside. It had been five months since Jurassic Park and the nightmares weren’t easing up for either of them. She wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take.
Immediately after Jurassic Park things had been good. She and Alan were happy to be alive, happy to have each other. Each new day they woke up reminding themselves of how lucky they were. Sunsets looked more beautiful and bonfires, music and laughter were life affirming and joyous.
However the cracks had started appearing, small at first but then opening into wide uncrossable rifts. Alan increasingly closed down, unwilling to show his anger at how close they both had come to being killed. He feared the loss of faith in something he’d given his life to. His slow painstaking discoveries that so excited him now appeared dated and obsolete. At the same time he had become even more cynical about new technology and modern developments in his field and Ellie began to find his stubbornness tiresome whereas once it had been so endearing.
Ellie became less contented with their life, less tolerant of the restrictions of living in a basic trailer miles from anywhere. Sometimes she just wanted a hot shower and a large bed with freshly laundered sheets and maybe a meal in a restaurant once in a while. Her desire for security and certainty about the future increased. Alan had softened on the idea of having kids but as her body clock ticked she increasingly wanted a commitment that he wasn’t yet ready to give. She began to wonder whether he was enough for her.
She looked up as she heard the bedroom door open, Alan stood in the bedroom doorway, dishevelled and bleary-eyed.
‘Raptors again?’
‘Yeah, as always. Sorry, I tried not to wake you’
‘You didn’t’ he came and sat beside her, ‘what time is it?’
‘I have no idea, but it’s still dark’
He reached across and took her hand, ‘let’s go back to bed.’
She didn’t really want to, didn’t want to lie awake as she was certain she would, but she stood and followed him into the bedroom.
They lay together, his arm tightly around her, legs folded behind hers. Alan always held her close like this when she woke in the night, wordlessly assuring her that he was there and after a while the safety of his presence would calm her and she’d fall asleep again.
Tonight however it wasn’t enough. She was tense, restless and his arm around her waist felt heavy, his hand on her stomach intrusive.
She furiously brushed away the tears that had come from nowhere, not wanting Alan to know she was crying. One of the many things she loved about him, was that he never asked her why she was crying, never tried to make her to stop. He would just sit with her and let her get it all out. Afterwards he would hold her and usually ended up making her laugh and then she wouldn’t be able to resist kissing him. And because he never asked she would always tell him, although he knew her so well that he had usually already guessed why she crying, even when it was, ‘nothing, just that time of the month’.
Now he stirred, as she silently sobbed, tightened his hold on her and said, ‘hey, hey…it’s ok honey, I’m here’
She still felt unsettled and despairing but his comfort eventually relaxed her and at last she fell asleep.
Later the following morning they’d come back to the trailer to make coffee, tired and dusty after the morning’s dig.
This was normally a ritual they both enjoyed, a time to touch base with each other and to talk over their plans for the day; today however things were tense.
‘Alan I don’t think I can carry on like this.’ Ellie wouldn’t look at him.
He sighed, ‘Ellie this is a tough time for us both but we’ll get through this, we just need to keep going, we need time.’
It was all so simple for him she thought, ‘keep going, ride it out, do nothing.’
Her heart ached but she knew she had to say what she wanted to say next. ‘Alan, I love you, but I think I need a break from this’
She realised that he had no idea this was coming as he looked at her uncomprehending, ‘Ellie…I didn’t think things were this serious. I know you want to have a baby at some point and we need to talk about that some more and the nightmares are still bad, but….. I thought we were ok.’
‘You may be ok, Alan, but I feel suffocated by this place and it’s not just about us having different ideas about kids, I feel my life has stalled I don’t know what to do so I need to get away for a while and do some thinking’
She paused. ‘I’ve been offered some teaching work in the University in Washington, a four month programme, to begin with. I’ve accepted the offer’
There was a long silence.
‘When do you leave?’ He spoke so quietly she could hardly hear him and she knew he was fighting to hold himself together.
‘Next Thursday, I have a week to get sorted here, packed up’
‘I don’t want you to go Ellie’
‘Alan don’t make this more difficult than it is already’
The day before Ellie left Alan came in late after a meeting with the site manager about a possible new dig location. She had cooked pasta and opened some wine. They ate together and talked about their work, neither mentioning their impending separation. Alan poured them both another glass, ‘may as well finish this, can’t drink it on my own.’ he said looking at her without smiling.
For a moment Ellie wondered what the hell she was doing, she could hardly bear to see the man she loved in such torment and all she had to do was say she was changing her mind, that she would stay after all. She knew this wasn’t the answer, this was just a break after all, a chance to get away and think about what it was she wanted. If what she wanted was right here she could come back, she knew he’d be waiting. She reached across and stroked his face he kissed her fingers, sat back and drained his glass.
That night it was as if they were once again discovering each other for the first time. They lay entangled, breathing hard and then coming back together again. Ellie welcomed the release and joy they found in each other’s bodies. It never felt as if they were saying goodbye.
In the morning she loaded her bags into his truck and he drove her to the airport. Alan never liked partings but this was the worst. Ellie wasn’t sure when it came to it that she would be able to let go of him but in the end she broke their hug, squeezed his hand and walked away.
Alan stood for a long time watching her back, she stopped and turned at one point and waved but didn’t smile.
He turned away and walked back to his truck.
And tell me why
Why won’t you love me
For who I am where I am?
….cause that’s not the way the world is baby
This is how I love you baby.