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It hadn't always been like this. Scratch that, it hadn't been like this before Mirabel's failed gift ceremony.
She remembers walking up, her dress clinging to her. She remembers the eyes, the stares, the whispering. Dolores probably heard everything. She remembers touching the candle.
A gift just as special as you are.
Her gift was nothing. She was nothing. And she would get nothing. Not for her patience. Because god knows what horrors she had to face.
This family is a fucking nightmare.
__
Mirabel wakes up.
Her alarm lets off sharp buzzes on her nightstand and she flips a hand over to silence it. She checks the time on her phone, and for a moment she contemplates sleeping, maybe forever.
But,
She must do what she does every morning. But this time, it feels different. Seeing Antonio's ceremony, seeing him get a gift. Move into a jungle of a room. While Mirabel stayed in the nursery.
Alone.
Before Antonio came she got used to it. Loneliness was her best friend. She no longer had her twin, her gemelo , or her hermanas , and even prima Dolores seemed to squeak and leave when she rounded the corner.
Mirabel didn't bite.
She just cried.
Mirabel knocks on the doors of her familia, her knuckles softly brushing against Dolores's door. She gathers the plates from casita, or rather it playfully throws them at her. But she doesn't have the energy to smile at it.
The magic knows this.
Slowly, one by one, she watches her familia come down.
Julieta starts making breakfast, mumbling about Agustin and his love with bee stings, Pepa comes down brushing her hair whispering "Clear skies, clear skies…". Felix follows shortly after her. Lusia comes in, she's tired and her shoulders drop a bit, but she's buzzing for her chores.
Camilo saunters to the table, snatching an arepa off a plate full of them and Pepa scolds him gently. Agustin and Dolores come at the same time, Dolores gives a squeak and Agustin goes to help his wife.
Senorita Perfecta Isabela makes her grand entrance, giving small roses to Julieta and Pepa and one to Luisa and Dolores too. She sticks her tongue out at Camilo, who huffs in return.
Abuela slowly drifts to the head of the table, taking her seat, waiting and watching with a sense of…impatience.
"Good morning Mira!!"
The voice belongs to the small boy with a toucan on his shoulder.
Antonio, the only one of the family to greet Mirabel. To say good morning. To care.
"Morning Tonito, sleep well? Or did you get lost in the branches?" Mirabel teases him as she grabs her breakfast.
One arepa. She's saving for the family.
"Nope!!! Parce did want to give me a tour though. It's so….huge!!!" He marvels and takes his seat, giving huge smiles at the family but focuses on Mirabel instead.
She smiles. It's weak.
Abuela clears her throat and the family turns to her. She gives them a smile.
"We are grateful for Antonio's wonderful gift. The miracle shines bright! But we must do our best to protect the town and help out. You all have your chores, comunicate wisely if need be. Don't slack off. " She announces, ending on a stren note.
Don't get in the way, Mirabel. Goes unsaid but it lingers in the air. It always does.
The family responds with a nod and some murmurs of congratulations to Antonio.
Mirabel drifts away.
The family starts to eat a quick breakfast, but before they even seem to take a bite Mirabel excuses herself and sets up to her room.
Well, really the nursery.
But one could hope.
Mirabel is alone here, she has her bed with the worn out sheets and the nightstand with the alarm clock and the place for her green glasses. Casita is here too, but how much of a friend is a house? Well, it’s been better than her family.
She looks at Antonio's bare side of the room and gives into a wistful sigh. It’s empty, so very empty. Mirabel feels the hole in her heart. The hole where every family member should fill, but she doesn’t feel anything. Not for them. Just love for Antonio and pity for herself. Well she loves Casita too.
It's lonely.
His things are gone, even his bed has miraculously left, Luisa either got it while Mirabel turned in her sleep or she got it when she cried in the bathroom, hugging her knees to feel some sort of love. Even if her love was broken and shattered.
She turns to the calendar. It's near the front of the room, due to the nursery being cramped. Yesterday was circled in a bright pink marker labeled, Tonitos ceremony!!, in all caps.
Everything else is blank.
The months before have little notes on them. From Antonio. Small things like Drink water , Think positive, and I love you. But Antonio is no longer here. He will have no time to write silly messages, either on the calendar or on post-it notes. He will be busy. Abuela will make sure of that.
Mirabel taps a rhythm on her pants. They're worn out and a baggy black shade. The white cuffs of her shirt softly rustle as she taps. She has a no-sleeve brown shirt over it, making her look like some sort of student or a journalist. She kind of likes it. Her satchel hangs over her side. She doesn’t wear her dress anymore, it doesn’t seem fitting, not with how she feels now or how the familia feels towards her. It’s too colorful, it’s not her.
She hums.
How much longer should she stay? How much time should she burden her family with her existence? When should she…leave? Her hand reaches up and counts the months. It's February. Should she stay one more month? Two? Three? Maybe leave right now.
Mirabel frowns. One would be too short, Antonio might notice early on and say something, then it would be pretending to care and scolding. But two and three feel short too. Hmmm. Maybe life is growing on her.
No.
What about four months? That would lead to June, it would be the start of summer and everyone would be more relaxed and well, open to be near each other more often.
She doesn't want to think of the sappiness. It feels forced. At least towards her.
She hums for a moment, running the plan over in her head. Four Months, leaving, no take backs. It sounds like it's starting to piece together.
How should she leave?
Drowning? Car accident? Run into a wall? Stabbing? Pills? There's a lot to choose from, and it's all painful.
Well, she had four months to decide what to choose. She would think of something.
Mirabel can't stand the calendar anymore. It's a reminder of all the time leading up to the ceremony, but also a reminder of what to come.
She tore the months off. Leaving the pink marker words to stare into her soul.
__
When Mirabel makes it into the town, the children greet her first. They’re excited and bouncy and they want to hear her sing. Mirabel knows she shouldn’t. She knows she doesn’t feel bright enough to match them. She wants nothing more than to sigh and say she’s tired and just…leave. But she has four months. She’ll have to make up for the lost time some way.
So she sings softly to them, she gets handed an accordion and the drum beats of other people match her song. She gets more energetic as she gets deeper into the song. But Mirabel just feels very tired. The children don’t stop though, they jump and squeal and sing out of pitch. They are so full of life it makes Mirabel want to throw up. How can they be so happy? WHy does Mirabel have to suffer? Why can’t she be loved?
“Break time!” She announces suddenly. The children protest. Mirabel gives them what she hopes to be an energetic smile. To the children there is masked sadness and Mirabel’s eyes feel like they zoned out long ago.
Mirabel gives a short laugh. “I just need some water to clear my vocal cords and maybe my Mama’s arepa to clear my brain. I’ll be back before Camilo can transform into a child and steal all the chocolate.” she says and boops the nearest kid's nose. The kids nod and promise to wait for her and not to get in trouble. But Mirabel knows that Camilo will whisk them away in magic tricks and games.
Huh, maybe her family is useful after all.
—-
It’s quiet in Casita but the doors open warmly and the counter happily gets Mira her coffee. She sips it slowly and quietly. She takes in the silence, the hum of the town as the Madrigals do their chores. Mira is left alone, she is out of place and she always will be.
She makes the trek to her room. Or at least she starts before she sees some rats scurry behind a painting with arepas. Cracks slowly form around them as they leave into the foundation of the house.
Oh yeah, Mirabel’s been seeing cracks in Casita. She told abuela but all she got was judging stares and–
“Do not try to ruin Antonio's perfect night.”
That was the last time Mirabel ever wore her colorful dress. Her clothes now were basic and bland and quite frankly it suited her. She blended in now. She was perfect now.
Do you see me now, Abuela?
Mirabel moves the painting. She discovers a hole. Her lips part to form a gasp or even a swear. But she just stares into the abyss of the hole in the wall. Four months, she reminds herself, four months.
Mirabel slowly makes her way into the hole and hears the rats. She should turn back. It's probably infested. But a part of her says stay. Maybe there's a light at the end of the hallway.
It’s weird, the cracks are patched, poorly done but the effort is noticeable. Mirabel’s mind screams at her to leave but her feet walk in the direction of a door. It looks red, but maybe that's just her eyes. She sees light peak around the cracks of the door and it feels warm.
So she does what any normal, responsible, human does and kicks open the door.
It flies open and a shriek jolts for a small green ruana wearing being in a red worn out looking chair. The rats are now on a stage. It looks like a…telenovela setup? Mirabel isn’t sure how she feels right now.
“How–how did you find me?” the tiny being asks.
Mirabel shrugs. “The rats, I saw them climbing.” She responds and looks around the room. It’s small and part of a table with some arepas on it. Some paintings, small ones, are crookedly hanging on the wall and a very teeny bed is squeezed in the corner. Weirdly it feels welcoming.
“So you’re…Mirabel?” the being asks.
“In the flesh.” Mirabel dryly replies and makes her way to the table. There's a fake plate etched into the table with the words ‘Bruno’ around it. Mirabel feels her hand drifting towards it. She also feels the man– Bruno now – staring at the back of her head with so much focus Mirabel thinks he’s trying to burn her skull.
“Part-time Madrigal, full-time disappointment” Mirabel says without thinking. Bruno laughs and shakes his head solemnly mumbling under his breath. Mirabel doesn’t try to make it out. She turns to face him. “I’m guessing you’re Bruno? The famous disaster. It’s a pleasure to meet someone so similar, now we get to share sob stories.”
Bruno gives her a smile. “Have you come to ask about your fate? I don’t do readings anymore.”
“Readings?” Mirabel huffs and feigns innocence with her hands. “This is a tarot reading?”
Then it clicks.
“Oh, you’re the future man.”
Bruno winces but doesn’t say anything as he gathers his rats and puts them on the telenovela stage. Mirabel watches him and steps over. Her fate? Does he mean her death? Is he her therapist now, but he’s way too messed up to be listening to her problems. He literally was talking to the rats in Spanish about the next rerun of the show. Reruns? Shows? What the fu–
“My fate? I’d love that.” Bruno turns around to face her, he chuckles awkwardly.
“You’re nothing like I expected, you were kind –” Mirabel tenses – “But I’ve seen what they’ve done, I can’t blame you.” he says it with such a sadness that Mirabel herself feels the sadness. She blinks at Bruno. A silence envelopes them and they both fidget under each other's gaze.
Wow, they really are alike.
“Would you like to watch the show?”
So she does.
—-
Mirabel doesn’t know how long she stays with Bruno watching reruns after reruns but it's dark outside when she leaves the hole promising to come back. She adjusted the painting one more time. She doesn’t feel tired with sleep but she tosses around in her sleep before she succumbs to darkness.
But she knows what to do in the morning.
—-
In the morning, to her familia, Mirabel is chipper. To Mirabel she’s just acting. And it’s damn good. At breakfast she says good morning to everyone, even Abuela. She sees a surprise flicker on their faces and she just flashes a smile back at them. Everything flashes in a blur and Mirabel hurries after Luisa when it’s over.
“Luisa! Luisa! Agh. Luisa!” Mirabel shouts to her stronger sister and falls down a stone wall in the process, but she gets up again. Luisa tells her to go back as she tries to find the donkeys that escaped yet again. Mirabel really should talk to the farmhand and whatever the Senior was called.
“ Luisa! ” Mirabel yells. Her sister stops, looking at her with worried eyes. “Sit.” Mirabel beckons to the stump and Luisa obeys without much difficulty, only confusions and worry. Mirabel sat on the grass across from her. She sighs.
“You work too much.”
Luisa looks startled. “W-what?! What I feel like I should do more! I should make Abuela proud.” She fumbles more and more about duty and family and Abuela. Mirabel has to refrain from rolling her eyes. She loves Luisa dearly but all that shit about Abuela makes Mirabel cringe.
She puts up her hand and Luisa stops.
“When was the last time you had time to yourself?”
Luisa opens her mouth and closes it. She never relaxes.
“Luisa I love you but you’ll work yourself to death if you continue this way. I say this from the bottom of my heart. Please relax, please have moments to yourself. Please be alone and just enjoy it. No Abuela, no expectations, nothing.” Mirabel gets up from the grass and dusts off her pants. “You’re allowed time to yourself and if anyone says anything else then I’ll fight them.” she says simply and a smile brings up Luisa’s lips.
Mirabel pats her sister's shoulder and gives Luisa her best smile as she leaves her sister to her thoughts. Luisa stares after her.
She’s changing.
—-
Isabela is herself when Mirabel sees her in the town square. She’s dancing, and – fake – smiling and making roses and beautiful flowers. It’s so perfect it’s fake, it makes Mirabel laugh on the inside.
She gives her smiles to the children but this time she’s dancing as the beats of the drum and accordion accompany her. Her true friends. She loosely remembers singing but she can’t remember what. She grabs some colorful flowers nearby and crunches them in her hands, making them a powder and a pulp. She smiles as she notices Isabela watching her, and more once she’s not glaring. And Abuela isn’t by her side.
Probably with Mariano with plans about the wedding.
But Isabela watches her with a fond smile. It shocks Mirabel. Her sister was capable of smiling? And at Mirabel of all people?
Mirabel makes her way over to her older sister, flowers crushed in her hand. Isabela looks confused and looks even more shocked as Mirabel blasts her in colorful flowers.
“Mira what the hell?!!” Isabela yells and looks at her now brightly colored dress.
“I think it suits you.” Mirabel responds. “The old you was fake. This one looks…real” she says and smiles at her sister.
“Hasta la vista hermano!” Mirabel shouts over her shoulder as she sprints away.
Why can’t you stay?
—-
“Camilo, why do you pretend to be other people?”
Camilo looks startled. He laughs.
“It’s my gift Mirabel. I shapeshift.” He wiggles his eyebrows and shifts through the family members then back to himself with a shit-eating grin. Mirabel allows herself to roll her eyes at him.
“Yeah but you spend so much time as other people. Are you ever yourself?” Mirabel asks again.
Camilo stops. No. He isn’t ever himself. He always Juan, of Alejandra, or- or-
Mirabel puts a hand on his shoulder. “It;s okay to be another person Milo, but don’t forget who you are inside.” And with that she whisks away in the crowd.
Mirabel what happened to me?
—-
Talking to the adults took more time then Mirabel thought. It took a month to be able to get alone with her Mama and even longer time with Pepa.
Dolores was the worst by far.
—-
“Mama, don’t over cook yourself.”
“Ay, mija it’s my job to be the town’s healer.”
“It’s okay to want to cook for yourself Mama. For enjoyment.”
(Enjoyment? When had Juileta last done that)
“Oh…”
“Mama you should cook for Papa, as a gift.”
“Ah? Well I could…”
“Or just cook for yourself. But don’t do it as an obligation.”
Mirabel gave her mother a smile and exited the kitchen to play with Antonio.
Mi Mariposa is growing up.
—-
The pills tasted like nothing. Mirabel took one. Then another, drowning it down with water. She knew she felt fine now but later would be a different story. She piled some pills in her hand and looked at them.
You’re breaking your promise, what happened to June? It’s only the start of May.
Her body moved on its own.
She was about to drown the rest of the pills and wait but a knock at the nursery door had her stopping and hiding the pills.
“Yes?”
“I want you to come with me to the market today.” It was Pepa’s voice. Worry laced through her word and Mirabel stopped in her tracks. Huh? When has this ever happened?
“Coming Tia.”
—-
On the way to the market Mirabel noticed clouds in the sky. They were dark. And getting darker. Mirabel frowned. What?
“Pepa?”
“Hmm?” the orange haired lady responded.
“Do you hate your gift?”
Pepa choked on her spit.
“W-what?”
Mirabel gave her a nervous smile. “Well I was thinking about your gift lately and I thought about pros and cons for having it but I really wanted to know what you think about it.”
Like suppressing your emotions for the sake of the town–
“I hate it. Especially having my emotions on broadcast for the whole town but after a while it becomes a sense of normal.” Pepa says after a pregnant pause.
Mirabel nodded.
Pepa was lost in thought. Mirabel had made her question her gift, her true core and soul. And she responded with the truth. Not some white lie given by Abuela. She was oh-so done with Abuela and the town. She wanted to curl up in a ball and have a good cry.
“Tell me your list of pros and cons.”
“Huh? Really!?”
Thank you, MIrabel.
—-
Mirabel sat on the roof of Casita.
Sorry old friend, I’m leaving soon.
Nearing the end of May and the beginning of June Mirabel had to decide how she wanted to go.
Jump now jump now jump now jump now jump now jump now jump now jump now.
“Mirabel.”
The said girl looks up from her knees and up at Dolores, who is carefully trying not to fall off the roof. She looks sick. Maybe it was–
“You weren’t at the dinner. We were worried.” Dolores says softly.
Ah yes, the engagement dinner. Mirabel gives Dolores a rueful smile.
“Abuela told me to stay away. To now ruin it. Everything must be perfect and special.”
And I’m cast aside.
Dolores let out a huff. “Well Isa noticed and she canceled the dinner right in front of Abuela and Mariano so that we could all find you.” Dolores wrinkled her nose then smiled. “I think she’s canceling the wedding too.”
“Go get your man.” Mirabel tries to joke. Dolores just gives her a look and sits next to her. And after a moment Mirabel put her head on Dolores’s shoulder, closing her eyes. Mirabel was quiet and soft and kind and considerate. She was never loud and never mean and Dolores liked that she never got angry. But Mirabel long ago decided that she was leaving. Dolores knew. She heard the calendar ripping.
She wished she couldn’t hear so well, then maybe she could enjoy this.
Mirabel what will I do if I can’t hear you anymore.
—-
On the last day of May Mirabel came down for dinner. Her last meal with her family. Ah this better be good.
She expected plates and food, not a sobbing family and Bruno in the center. Mirabel stopped and stood uncomfortably away from them as Bruno tried desperately to calm them, Mirabel couldn’t make out any words.
This was an event to distract them from her, well, death as she could put it now. She would be killing herself after all.
Then Casita made some noise with its tiles and the family turned to her.
Mirabel couldn’t have been more wrong.
“Mirabel what the hell–”
“How could you–”
“What are you thinking–”
“We care–”
“You’re leaving–”
It was a mess. A sobbing, accusing mess with Mirabel at its center.
“ What are you all doing? ” The sharp voice is from Abuela as she comes to stand in the middle of Mirabel and her family.
What an accurate depiction of her and her family.
Thank you Abuela.
Mirabel thinks her family tells Abuela about her plans for her death but she can barely hear it. She sighs and waits for it all to explode.
Abuela turns around and Mirabel is not shocked by the anger on her face.
“Surprise…?” Mirabel says weakly, trying to smile.
“What the heck are you thinking? You cannot kill yourself! What of the family? What of the town? What of–”
Mirabel can not take it anymore.
“Stop it with the damn town!” Mirabel shouts, shocking Abuela and her family into silence. Good.
“I am hurting and all you care about is what the town would think? That’s pathetic and shallow and I’m disgusted. I love this family and I love the town and I know we all do but stop only thinking of them! Think of your children, your grandchildren and how they feel! Look what you’ve done to us!”
Mirabel’s word’s echo on the walls.
“Stop hurting me! Stop hurting this family !”
Cracks climb against the walls and the wind picks up the candle shakes and shifts under the movements.
“The candle–”
Casita crumbles around them.
“The candle oh no.”
“Casita! Get me up there!” Mirabel commanded as she ran to the candle’s aid. Casita obliged and hoisted a ladder made of railings.
“ Mirabel! Get out of there!”
Mirabel doesn’t listen of course. She wanted to save the very last of the miracle. Even if it means she herself might die. But it would be worth it.
She falters for a bit and can’t seem to grab the last stub of the candle at first but then she gets it, a feeling of happiness surges through her.
“ Mirabel the house is gonna fall! ”
Mirabel slides down the roof, thanks to the dying Casita, and watches as Bruno’s tower falls on her.
Was this her fate?
—-
Mirabel saved the candle. While her family watched her climb and almost die. And the clock struck midnight, marking the first day of June.
—-
Mirabel woke up in a very bright lit room. Instantly she closes her eyes again. She can sense her mother sleeping in the corner and Isabela, who had fallen asleep on the chair next to the bed. And Antonio at her feet curled in a ball. She smiled and tried to sit up but a pain surged through her.
“Argh…” she grimaced at the pain and instantly woke up all three members of the familia in the room.
“Mira!”
“Never do that again or I will never let you out of my sight!”
“Mira ohmygod you scared me–”
The three members instantly start bawling their eyes out and Mirabel gives a snort.
After they got the rest of the familia in the small cramped room and they cried and mumbled and bawled their eyes out. They were finally able to calm down.
“Mariposa I think we need to talk about what you were going to do before all this happened.” Julieta says, making Mirabel cringe as she remembers.
“I…” Mirabel’s words falter. But her familia is patient.
“I was going to kill myself.”