Chapter Text
When Kojiro woke up this morning, he knew something was wrong.
His chest felt heavy, and his arms and legs felt like lead weights as he got out of bed, dragging himself to the bathroom and staring at his tired reflection in the mirror. He sighed deeply, grabbing the little orange bottle of medication from the bathroom counter, twisting open the cap and pouring two pills into his hand.
He stared at the white capsules for a few seconds, then looked back at himself in the mirror.
"This is a good thing," he said to his reflection, before popping both the pills in his mouth and swallowing them, he'd gotten so used to his medication that he didn't even bother to use water anymore.
He knew he needed the pills, but taking them still sucked. He shouldn't even need them, he has a good life, a husband, a family, and a place to live.
He's supposed to have it all together..
But he doesn't. He's had depression for over two decades, and he still doesn't have it all together.
Kojiro stretched a bit, exiting the bathroom and reentering his and Kaoru's bedroom to see the other man awake and moving around, making their bed and looking up when Kojiro walked in.
"Good morning," Kaoru said lightly as he looked back at the bed, and Kojiro's brain stalled for a bit, then he responded tiredly, "G'mornin'.."
Kaoru looked up once again, "Are you okay?"
Kojiro nodded, "Yeah, I'm okay."
His husband arched an eyebrow, standing up fully and walking over to him, "Are you sure? You look rough," he replied, and Kojiro sighed deeply as he walked to their closet, "I'm okay, Ru.. promise."
He could feel the burn of Kaoru's gaze on his back, then as he opened the closet door, he heard a sigh of surrender, as if Kaoru had given up on trying to talk to him.
~
After breakfast, Kojiro was supposed to be washing the dishes, but in reality, he was staring into space and holding a soapy plate in his hands as the water ran.
"Uhm- Dad?" Kadence's voice broke through the haze of Kojiro's mind, and he blinked rapidly and looked up to see his daughter staring at him with a perplexed look on her face, "Are you alright?"
"..Huh?" Kojiro looked up, then he nodded and responded dully, "O-Oh- yeah, I'm good," then continued to wash the dishes as Kadence replied, "Oooh-Kaaaay.."
Later that day, Kaoru had left for work, and with the kids at school, Kojiro was all alone in the house. He sighed deeply, his fifth or sixth deep sigh of the day, as he braced his hands on the counter and took deep breaths...
He didn't know what was wrong with him, he'd been fine yesterday, but now it was like all his emotions were heightened and out of his control, swirling around in his head and crashing into each other like the ocean waves you could hear from their house. He didn't go to therapy today, and he had a ton of errands to run before the end of the day, so he'd just have to power through-.. whatever this was.
The rest of the day was a drag. But somehow, Kojiro managed to pull himself through it, spurring himself on with lots of critiquing and self-deprecation, telling himself things like, "Only a loser wouldn't be able to do this," "It's not that hard," "You're so weak for not being able to handle this," "You're just having a bad day, so GROW A PAIR and PUSH THROUGH IT."
It had been working so far, but eventually, he broke down..
~
During his last errand, Kojiro had trudged through the grocery store like some kind of zombie, picking up the stuff on his list and tossing it into his cart with abandon. He'd even almost cried one time in the produce aisle when he'd picked up a bag of potatoes... but the bag was sealed, and he couldn't take the potatoes he didn't need out.
"Dangit- I do-..I-I don't even need this many potatoooooes!" Kojiro had wailed to what he thought was himself, which is most likely why the other customers gave him the side-eye and moved their carts away from him. He'd gone home and put the groceries away with a vengeance, getting especially irritated when he put the cereal in one of the cupboards, and the door wouldn't close.
He stared at the cabinet door for a second, then tried closing the door again, but with more force. That didn't work, so he tried again. And again. And again. And again. And again-
"GOD- WHY WON'T YOU CLOSE?!" He eventually shouted, ripping open the door and almost tearing it off its hinges as he punched the box of cereal, crushing it enough to slam the cupboard door shut.
He was breathing heavily, and stumbled backward and buried his hands in his hair as he tried to calm himself down, feeling what was left of his sanity beginning to unravel right there in the middle of the kitchen. He felt his back hit the wall, and he slid down to sit on the floor just as he heard the door open, and Kaoru calling out, "Kojiro? Are you home?"
Kojiro couldn't find the breath to respond, struggling to take in air as he looked around wildly.
He was having a panic attack, and judging by how it felt, it was one of the worst ones yet.
His heart pounded, blood rushing in his ears as his hands numbed, his chest got tight, and chills ran throughout his entire body- he couldn't breathe, his lungs were tightening, constricting, blocking off his airway as he fell deeper and deeper into his panicked state.
He felt hot, burning tears rolling down his cheeks as he panted, his hands beginning to shake as his mind screamed at him, 'Get it together, you IDIOT, this is stupid, you shouldn't be freaking out like this.'
This did nothing to calm him down, in fact, it only made his panic increase. He heard rapid footsteps, and then a gasp as- he assumed- Kaoru entered the kitchen, "KOJRO?!" he exclaimed, hurrying over and dropping down onto the floor, then placing a gentle hand on his husband's shoulder.
"Kao-r-ru.." Kojiro stammered, putting a hand on his heaving chest, "I can't-... I can't breathe."
"Hey, Kojiro," Kaoru said in a soothing voice, "You're gonna be okay, we're gonna do that 3-3-3 thing Dr. Māhoe taught you, okay?"
Kojiro managed to nod, opening his eyes and trying to focus his vision enough to make out objects in their kitchen.
"Okay, name three things you see," Kaoru said quietly, and Kojiro's eyes flickered around as he spoke shakily, "I se-.. I see th-that calligraphy piece on the wall.. the one you made for the house."
"Good, what else?"
"U-Uhm-.. th-the grocery bags, o-on the counter."
"And?"
"My-.. My feet," Kojiro finished, his shuddering gasps now reduced to shaky breaths as Kaoru went on, "Alright, now three sounds."
Kojiro listened for a second, then he spoke, "I ca-can hear the air conditioning... Your breathing.. an-and the sound of our neighbor's dog barking.."
"Good," Kaoru replied, rubbing soothing circles on Kojiro's back as he continued, "Now touch, move three parts of your body."
Kojiro nodded, then he slowly began to move his fingers, stretching them out and balling them into fists, then he rolled his shoulders, then his fists.. and when he was finished, his mind was clearer than it had been a few minutes ago, and Kaoru smiled softly at him, "There you go," he said, wiping Kojiro's tears away with his thumbs, "Better?"
"Much better," Kojiro responded, taking a few more deep breaths before smiling weakly at his husband, "Thank you, Kaoru."
"Always."