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[Grian] Statement of Vintage Beef, regarding… well, I'll let him talk. Statement taken direct from subject March 13th, 2022. Statement Begins.
[Beef] The Colours don't work. I told you about this last time but now it's always happening. Ever since that golf incident and then that weird swirly thing last month they twist. They bend and they swirl and they never snap and it hurts. Not my body, not even my mind. Something that isn't there hurts. Like a thousand needles. Like that blonde guy is stabbing me in a heart I don't have. Have you ever felt something like that?
[Grian] Calm down. Tell me it from the beginning.
[Well, I already told you about the golf. After that the colours seemed to appear, but it was fine then. They just twirled peacefully at the corners of my vision and that was that. It was about a month after that when I saw the blonde guy again. He was in the Ripley's museum in Manchester, you know, the one with all the gadgets and gizmos. He was just looking at the things, but there was a sort of… waviness around him. You know, like the air above a campfire? Yeah, there was that. I recognised him, obviously, although he wasn't wearing a lab coat. And then I saw him reach through… no, more like reach past a glass cabinet, grab whatever was inside it, and pull it back. I decided to go up to him and ask about it. Bad move. As soon as I tapped him on the shoulder the colours swarmed my vision. They pulled my gaze elsewhere and pinned it down there. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't look at him. But he still talked to me. He sounded like TV static, but still crystal clear.
"Ah, Beef! How have you been doing, man? It's been ages. We should hang out again soon."
I asked about what he had in his hand, and where he got it. He just said he'd made it at home and brought it here to compare with the original. And sure enough, the gizmo was there in the case. And then I did something unbelievably stupid. I asked about the arm thing. At this he got very still, and started muttering equations under his breath. Then the pain started. I think it's the equivalent of phantom limb syndrome, but for everything. The colours twisted in my eyes again, but this time
[Grian] Hold on, can I see your eyes?
[Beef] Yeah, I know they're reflective and multicoloured and stuff. I noticed it as soon as I got in front of a mirror. Now can I continue?
[Grian] Of course.
[Beef] This time they wrenched. And the pain was unbearable. It still is, but I'm used to it. He turned to me and just stared. And then the world fell apart. I mean it literally shattered. The floor fell out into the end of the building and the ceiling flew through the door. The walls started to seem like rain and the cabinets swarmed into the eyes of the blonde man. And then it all turned black, one piece at a time.
Then I woke up. I was lying on the floor of Ripley's. Apparently I had an altercation with another visitor and had started screaming until I passed out from a lack of oxygen. But the colours were still there, and so was the pain. So I thought of you guys. Getting here was hell by the way. The bus was half an hour late and then the train stopped at the wrong platform. But I made it eventually.
[Grian] Ok then. Thank you for your time. We'll get back to you if we find anything.
[Beef] Thanks! I'll see myself out.
[Door clicks shut]
[Grian] Ok then. I'm inclined to believe this is literally just an acid trip. Impulse told me this morning that the bus was "surprisingly on time", so that doesn't go very far as to corroborate Mr Beef's story, except to confirm that there was a bus that ran today. Given the pain he was evidently in, I doubt any of what he said was true.
However, his eyes are strange. The colours do shift, and they twist, and they turn, and they- anyway, that's the only thing that would even slightly support this statement. End Recording.
[Tape clicks off]
[Tape clicks on]
[Beef, singing] Lately, running down to the Riptide, taken away to- Hey! You get over here and fix me!
[Zed, static crackles] What do you mean, fix you? I've made you better! You could see me just fine before, but now! You can truly see me. Try not to lose your head about it.
[Beef, groaning] H-how?
[Zed] Don't worry about it, bro. You've still got your butcher's shop waiting for you back at home, haven't you? Oh, you have! Goodbye!
[Static Rises]
[Tape clicks off]