Chapter Text
"What the hell, Xiao? Are you insane?"
It's actually the third time that question falls off Lumine's lips. Though, even after all those times, nothing seems to change.
A part of her can't comprehend it, taken aback by the sudden declaration; the other one thinks that she might be still dreaming.
It's past midnight, after all, so she probably should try to fall asleep by now. But she can't do that. Not when Xiao showed up in front of her home in the middle of the night.
And if the sole fact of her best friend showing up at this hour all of the sudden wasn't something she had expected tonight, then his plea to kiss him definitely was even more shocking.
It happened so fast, like a flash of lightning.
An overwhelming wave of many emotions washed over her the second she saw him.
They haven't seen each other in a while now and even in her wildest dreams, Lumine has never dreamed of him being in front of her house so late out of the sudden.
Perhaps, she should have simply told Xiao to go to sleep instead of listening to his ideas - he's drunk right now so obviously he's not thinking straight. But he's persistent, even more than always, and it's hard for her to ignore his words.
Now they're standing in her bedroom and Lumine feels her heartbeat speeding up a little. It's honestly flustering to think about all of this when every experience is still so new and intense.
Xiao sighs, the faint smell of alcohol coming from his parted lips lingering in the air.
"Listen, I know how it sounds. But still..." he pauses for a second, taking a deep breath. "I can't stop thinking about it. You're the only person who can help me, Lumine. You're my only friend, please."
Every word Xiao says sounds sincere and Lumine has to turn her face, her mouth twitching in an involuntary grimace she tries to hide.
Friend.
That's right. Xiao only sees her as his friend. Nothing more, nothing less.
Well, it's natural - she has been his friend for years now, after all. And yet, it still makes her uneasy, words leaving a bitter aftertaste on her tongue.
She should be grateful that he sees her as someone so close. Getting to know Xiao is a challenge, not to mention how hard it can be to gain and then maintain his trust. It actually took long months for him to slowly start to let her in.
Though, even after all those years, sometimes Lumine still feels like she doesn't know everything about Xiao. There always seemed to be a mystery surrounding him, some unsaid thoughts he would never let her hear or emotions he would refuse to show.
But now he came to her, being so open and vulnerable while being drunk, and something about it makes her chest swell with pride. Even though Xiao might be secretive, he still thinks of her as someone who can be trusted in every situation.
But somehow, Lumine can't enjoy it wholly.
Perhaps it's only because she can't be completely satisfied with being friends with him in the first place.
It's not Xiao's fault. He is truly one of the best people she's ever known - so selfless and even though he's usually stoic and quiet, he's kind to people he doesn't know that well. It's like an honor to be close with someone like him.
When it comes to their friendship, too, Xiao is always caring. He shows it mostly in a silent way, small gestures and simply spending time with each other are enough for Lumine to know this.
It's beautiful how quietly, almost unnoticeably, he's able to make her feel like this. So important, so needed.
But it's dangerous, too.
Maybe it's just her greediness but somehow, Lumine can't help but wonder every so often how it would be to be loved by Xiao. To be sure that things he does aren't just friendly gestures but there's a deeper yearning hidden within them. To know that he feels what she does and it's not just one sided crush that could ruin their friendship…
So Lumine imagines it all in her head, spending sleepless nights trying to resist the temptations and desires that are rearing in her chest, trying to ignore flickering thoughts in her mind.
This situation is hopeless, after all.
Lumine never tries to do anything - she could never forgive herself if because of selfishness, she would lose someone who means so much to her. It's not like Xiao could ever feel the same when he sees her as his friend. He isn't someone to confuse feelings or openly lie about them.
That's exactly why she shouldn't agree with Xiao now.
Eventually, his seemingly simple offer would change something between them. Even if it wouldn't have an immediate effect on their friendship, one day it would. Lumine is sure of that.
Dreaming about being with him has always been foolish but thinking about how a mere drunken kiss can ruin everything is even more scary. In the end, this situation can only burn and hurt.
"No. No way. That's a horrible idea." Lumine shakes her head as if she's trying to get rid of her thoughts this way. It's way too hard to face Xiao right now, somehow. "Besides, as far as I'm aware, friends don't do things like that."
"But they do help each other out." he sounds like a sin, coaxing her into agreeing with his idea.
Saying 'no' is quite hard when Xiao looks at her and his voice is warm and smooth.
Lumine blinks several times in an attempt to pull herself together. It doesn't work as well as she would want it to though.
"Yeah, they do. But kissing doesn't really count as help, you know?" she says right away and bites her lip, trying not to point out that he has a lot of other choices.
He's a musician, maybe not the most famous one but still someone who can be recognized and has some fans. There are a lot of girls who love him and would die to be in her place right now.
Even if Xiao didn't want to involve someone he didn't know, there are a lot of coworkers he could ask. Like this one girl, Lumine thinks her name is Ganyu, who seems to be really nice and kind.
So why did he come to her?
Friends can help each other out in other situations. However, when it comes to kissing it's just... not something they should do.
"Lumine."
She stares up at Xiao as he turns to cup her cheeks, his eyes looking right into hers.
His fingers are colder than hers, gliding over her flushed cheeks. His rings that brush against her skin are almost freezing; and she holds her breath, scared of what reaction this sudden sensation could bring out of her.
It feels like everything just stopped.
The tension is still there, highly-strung in the air as if it's waiting for the right moment to snap. None of them says a word and Lumine feels her breath starting to quicken. How could it not when Xiao is acting like that?
He still holds her face in his hands, his moves are slow like there's a deeper yearning hidden within them. His eyes seem to be glowing in the dim light of her bedroom and for one dangerous moment, Lumine thinks that he's going to kiss her right now.
Her hands instinctively find his chest, fingers clutching lightly on his shirt - whether it's to pull him closer or push him away, she isn't quite sure herself.
But Xiao holds her there, caught up in this moment as if they're both frozen.
It's agonizing.
It almost hurts to be this close to him, to be held in his arms.
Now Lumine can have him but only in ways that aren't enough and something within her aches at the thought. She wants him in ways she shouldn't because it's so naive and it's never going to be real.
Something about this whole situation and the closure between them is making Lumine tense, almost overwhelmingly so. Yet, she remains still, feeling Xiao's gaze lingering on her face even though it takes everything in her not to cover her it with her palms.
She gulps. There's a thickness in her throat, very distracting and uncomfortable, that seems to force her to make a decision, to finally speak up.
"No, Xiao..." It's silent, brittle. "I— You drank too much alcohol. You wouldn't come up with this idea if you were sober, I'm sure about that."
Xiao's hands drop down slowly, leaving her face. The expression on his face is unreadable, like an enigma she can't solve even after all those years of being his friend.
"I wasn't drinking."
Lumine raises her eyebrow. "Oh really?"
"...That much."
She gasps as Xiao bites back a laugh, leaning back at his own reaponse.
It's so nice to ignore the tension hanging in the air for a second and just relax. But there's still something weighting on Lumine's mind.
"Why did you even think about this?" she asks and watches as Xiao lets out a heavy exhale, his forehead dropping onto her shoulder.
She stiffens at the sudden movement.
Xiao is visibly more boldly clingy and touchy while being drunk. And while it's a nice change from his usual nonchalant behaviour, Lumine can't quite get used to it just now.
Her heart keeps on racing after every little thing he does and no matter how hard she tries, she can't stop thinking about one thing. Are the actions of drunk people truly their sober thoughts? If yes, could it be the case with Xiao—?
"Well..." he murmurs slowly, his voice muffled as his face is still against her shoulder. "How can I write love songs for the next album if I don't have any recent experience in that area of life?"
"You can just imagine it." Lumine answers right away. "Well, I mean - it shouldn't be that hard for someone like you, Xiao. You've been writing your whole life! And I remember that you went on a date once or twice in the past!"
He looks up at her, his cheeks slightly flushed in embarrassment. But somehow, Lumine can't unsee the loneliness she sees in his eyes.
Idols and artists must be lonely people.
Every day they struggle, spend hours all alone while writing and producing many pieces of art though some of them will never see the sunlight.
But they still work hard, trying to put all the complicated emotions they experience into words, pouring hearts in what they do. And then, they bravely show it to the rest of the world, their souls bare for people to judge.
Xiao is probably like that, too.
Though Lumine is sure that he would never allow himself to have the luxury of admitting certain things out loud, maybe not even in songs. Even though they're close, Xiao still doesn't like to bother others - including close friends - so he remains rather quiet when it comes to problems that he faces.
"Still, it won't be the same. Writing about something an author is going through recently can make their art more alive." His voice is so quiet as he speaks that it's almost inaudible. "And then, because of that, people can feel more emotions while listening to these love songs. Writers always put a part of their souls and inner emotions into things they create."
Lumine nods, trying to organize her thoughts.
There should be nothing romantic about two friends kissing each other - so how could his fans feel true emotions and love in those songs he would write about their kiss? How could Xiao put a part of himself in words that would describe something that isn't real?
His tone was soft and composed though and Lumine is friends with him long enough to know that he's sure of what he does.
"Okay, I understand that." she finally starts slowly, still hesitant. "But… It still isn't the best idea."
"Why?" Xiao asks right away, unfazed.
His hand reaches out to her and he tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear, fingers casually brushing against her cheek.
Lumine flinches slightly, a shiver runs down her spine.
It's way too hard to speak when he's so close, trying to soothe her nerves and coax her into agreeing with a touch of his hand. Her breath hitches and the only thing she can focus on is his touch lingering on her skin akin to the alcohol that's running through his veins, hot and calming.
And yet, the unspoken truth is still too frightening to be addressed.
"Um, well, I said that friends don't kiss, right?" Lumine asks sheepishly.
This time, Xiao doesn't answer.
His gaze is so intense that it takes everything in Lumine not to avert her face, shyly looking away.
Perhaps she should be used to it by now - they have known each other for years now, they have been looking at each other countless times now. But it's not that easy.
Now that Lumine thinks about it, Xiao has never been acting quite like this - or right now it's simply too hard to recall any situation from the past when he was looking at her like this.
But then again, she wasn't always noticing things he was doing. She would be too flustered if she did that. It's too easy to overlook a simply friendly gesture as something more, after all.
It's pointless to think so much about it, trying to find a hidden meaning of the brief flash of an emotion she can't recognize in Xiao's gaze. Most likely it's all just an effect of drinking too much alcohol or just a trick that her mind plays on her.
"I may be a little tipsy but I know exactly what I'm asking you for." he blurts out suddenly. Lumine blinks slowly, her eyes widened.
"Xiao—"
"I just really need you, Lumine. And I won't regret anything later if that's what you're worrying about."
Silence encases them after his statement.
There's an honesty in Xiao's words and his gaze, and something about it makes Lumine feel uneasy and heavy out of sudden. She's like a mess of way too many emotions and thoughts yet none of them seems right. None of them is something she should say out loud.
"Lumine." he says her name again, his voice barely a whisper only for her to hear. "Just trust me a little bit, okay?"
She freezes, something within her chest aching at his words.
The time seems to stand still, tension between them rising with every second until Lumine finds it almost unbearable.
She could simply tell Xiao a pretty white lie now, the kind she herself would believe. It's easy to repeat it inside her head all over again until it starts to sound akin to the truth so she can say it loudly with no trouble. She knows that it could be the easiest way to go out of this mess unharmed.
And yet, she can't bring herself to do that. Especially when Xiao looks at her like she's the only person he thinks about.
It's such a bad idea.
Lumine shouldn't allow him to kiss her, not when she knows how she feels about him. Nothing good will come out of it.
But then, Xiao comes closer to her - closer than any time he did tonight - and she stills, mesmerized by the sheer proximity. Every word of excuses Lumine has prepared now died in her throat, making her suddenly speechless when his eyes meet hers.
She's disarmed, captivated by him.
Perhaps, it will be easier. To just close her eyes and fall, pretending that nothing is wrong once this moment is over.
"Okay."
Xiao moves almost right away, once again drunkenly daring to break every little thing between them. She expects him to get over with it fast - simply kiss her, put his lips on hers and make her emotions snap, finally spill into the conciousness of her mind and drown her, and then go to sleep.
But he doesn't.
Lumine sees him breathing in steadily when he leans closer to her. His hands rise to cup her cheeks, slowly and with caution, almost as if he's still trying not to scare her away.
She feels her breath hitching in her throat, waiting for the tension between them to finally snap, for her own thoughts to spill and drown her.
"Okay."
His whisper is almost inaudible and before Lumine can do anything, Xiao presses his lips to hers.
The kiss is soft and gentle. His moves are careful and it feels as if he's trying to drag out every moment, wanting to purposefully slow down the time.
Lumine makes no move to push him away though. She feels dizzy, begging and pleading for the world around her to stop so she can feel more.
Somehow, kissing Xiao is exactly the way she has always imagined it. It’s breathtaking and overwhelming, and needy, and it’s beautiful.
When Xiao pulls back, he still doesn’t let go of her. His hands remain cupping her jaw, his mouth hovering over her. His thumb brushes along her cheek momentarily as he gazes at her, admiring her, as if memorizing every detail of her features.
It lasts only a fleeting moment but it feels like an eternity.
The small space between them is filled with their heavy breathing and emotions so strong that Lumine can feel her cheeks getting red. Her hands are shaking from holding back from him as she desperately waits for something, anything.
But then, Xiao leans right back in and kisses her even more passionately than before.
He kisses her like he truly means it, like it's the only thing he ever wants to do.
It's all so tender yet all-consuming. Every move fills her mind with thoughts about Xiao when he tilts her head. His kisses are becoming more deep and luscious, and Lumine thinks that she might drown in them, in him.
Yet, there's a faint thought in her mind that it's not something friends should do. But it's inescapable and she isn't even going to try pushing him away.
It feels too good to do it.
Lumine feels his hands on her waist when Xiao pushes her onto the bed and Lumine gasps into the kiss, overwhelmed by how close he is to her. His body is pressed tightly against hers, his lips still claiming hers with a intensity that makes her weak.
"Xiao..."
His name escapes her lips before she can stop it.
And in that instant, Xiao suddenly stops.
Without saying anything he closes his eyes, head dropping onto the crook of her neck as his arms wrap around her.
Lumine freezes, his hot breath tickling her skin. All she can hear is blood rushing in her ears and she has to restrain herself from shivering, dizzy after all the kisses and the way he holds her now.
His breathing slowly steadies, a quiet sign that Xiao falls asleep.
He's impossible. How can he kiss her like that and then suddenly go to sleep as if nothing was happening just a moment ago? No, how could she even agree to that in the first place?
She's such a fool.
Immediately, Lumine presses her fingers against her lips, holding her breath as she looks down on the boy next to her.
Xiao was really kissing her just a moment ago. It wasn't all just a crazy yet sweet dream.
All her thoughts are now becoming greedy wordless nothings muttered into her ears, telling her to long for more, to run her fingers through his hair and tell him about her feelings once he's awake.
She can't. She can't risk ruining everything.
Lumine shut her eyes, hoping to quiet the noise in her head.
And as her heartbeat speeds up, she knows that no matter what happens next, even heavens can't help her now.