Work Text:
The noise. The hum of the ship as fuel ran through it. The chatter of ensigns in the halls. The shriek of some human joy and footsteps speeding up. The stiff fabric of his uniform. The unbearable lightness of it. No weight. He was weightless in the worst way. A member of security had come in half an hour ago and Tuvok had not been able to focus since. It was not a particularly taxing conversation but he had struggled to remain engaged by it, to speak. The Lieutenant had also touched Tuvok’s shoulder and allowed her hand to remain there for several seconds. Tuvok disliked being touched at the best of times and now…
It had not been a good personal day. He’d woken up that morning and known it would not be a good one. He had wanted nothing more than to lie in bed and avoid every other living being on the ship. It was a feeling that’d been growing increasingly stronger for days but it was not an option and Tuvok, as a Vulcan, did not give in to feelings.
He’d gone through the motions of his job that day, hyper aware of everything, deeply uncomfortable, efficient. He had to be efficient. He had to do his job. He was the chief security officer and Voyager relied heavily on its security.
The hum of the ship as fuel ran through it. The laughter of passersby. The unbearable lightness. The feeling that something was building up in him, something that needed release. His hands felt wrong. He disliked the feeling of his console. He disliked the airy way the buttons could be depressed - he preferred the clunkier feeling of the personal PADD he kept in his room. It was satisfying. The hum of the ship as fuel ran through it. The ticking of something somewhere, some broken component. The sound of conversation. The unbearable-
Tuvok stood, setting his work aside.
It was all too much. He would not be able to work through his discomfort and it was illogical to push himself to do so when he could instead move to a more comfortable environment.
He hurried down the corridor. The work day was over and the night shift had begun so the halls were more trafficked than usual as people either dashed off to their stations or to meet with friends. Tuvok nodded to as many people as he could but was relieved when he made it to his quarters. As soon as the door closed he relaxed, the sound of the hall immediately vanishing.
Peace and quiet. A good start.
Tuvok sighed heavily, walking over to his dresser and pulling out a headscarf. It was a dark blue with silver threaded throughout, meant to mimic the shimmering of metal during the heat. His wife had given it to him as a gift for an anniversary. She was a practical woman and the garment was meant to better protect the face in the event of a sandstorm. He had no true need to wear one so thick on Voyager but the weight and sound-dampening it provided made it one he wore more often than strictly necessary.
The moment he wrapped it around himself he felt calmer. He sighed heavily again. It was an intentional motion, to ease the feeling of discomfort.
“Tuvok?” Chakotay asked. He was lying in bed, propped up by pillows. He seemed to be in the middle of reading something, perhaps work related.
Ah, right. Chakotay. Tuvok had forgotten that he would be in the room since they had plans to spend the night together. (Yet more evidence that he was not thinking clearly) He considered asking him to leave but decided that the other man could be of use. The unbearable lightness could be…manually assuaged.
Tuvok walked over to Chakotay’s side of the bed and stared at him for a moment. He needed to speak but it felt like such an effort in the moment, near impossible. He had used up his speaking energy on the security crewmember. In light of this Tuvok lifted his hand to sign but remembered Chakotay probably had no grasp on Vulcan sign so he grabbed his PADD instead and began typing. As he thought, the model he’d specified was much more satisfying to use than the more modern one he had in his office.
If You Are Amendable To The Idea It Would Be Beneficial For Me If You Were To Wrap Your Arms Around Me And Hold My Body Tightly To Yours.
Chakotay blinked. “Is something wrong?”
No.
“...So you’re not talking for…good reasons?”
The Reasons Are Neutral. Please Respond To My Earlier Inquiry.
“You want me to hold you?” Chakotay asked, trying to remember.
Tuvok hesitated a moment, hating having his request spelled out that way. It sounded so…human. So emotional. But he supposed his partner was human and thus prone to such things.
In Other Words.
“Are you blushing?”
No.
“Mhm.” Chakotay said with a smile, opening his arms. “Come here then.”
Tuvok set the PADD beside them and crawled into Chakotay’s arms, adjusting himself so that he was as compact as possible within them. Chakotay let him do this in silence, asking him if he was comfortable and only wrapping his arms around Tuvok when the Vulcan nodded. “You said tight, right?”
Tuvok nodded, signing the word.
“What was that?” Chakotay asked, tightening his embrace.
Tuvok reached out and grabbed the PADD, sending a message then handing the device to Chakotay.
Chakotay reluctantly took it with one hand, watching as Kathryn appeared on screen. She looked to be in her quarters and seeing her with her hair down made Chakotay’s heart pick up. Tuvok made a little derisive sound and Chakotay remembered that he was a touch telepath. Another derisive sound.
“Hello you two.” Kathryn said, smiling as she leaned forward. “Tuvok, that’s a lovely headpiece.”
‘I would thank you for the compliment, however I sense an inauthenticity to it.’ Tuvok signed.
“Never.” Kathryn laughed softly, obviously as tired as her Lieutenant. It was late, after all.
“Oh, is that sign language?” Chakotay asked, looking between the two of them. “I didn’t recognize it.”
“It’s Vulcan sign.” Kathryn explained. “And old too.”
‘Unnecessary addition.’
Kathryn grinned. “It’s necessary, you wanted me to explain didn’t you?”
Tuvok had indeed learned how to sign when he was a child, nearly a hundred years ago and he had not kept up with how the language had evolved since then. He didn’t use it nearly as much as he used verbal or telepathic communication.
“Is he alright?” Chakotay asked. Then he placed a hand on the base of Tuvok’s skull, cupping his head, and Tuvok felt a warmth fill his chest as he pressed his cheek into Chakotay’s. Embarrassing. At Tuvok’s age he should accept such gestures with a nonreactive grace. Instead he held on tighter the fabric of Chakotay’s pajamas in order to keep himself from doing anything more…physical, while Kathryn was on the line.
‘Yes.’
“Yes, he’s fine. It just happens sometimes. But Tuvok? You’re off duty tomorrow.”
‘Unnecessary.’
“Very necessary and also Captain’s orders.” Kathryn said cheerfully. “Goodnight.”
Chakotay placed the PADD down beside them and recommitted himself to holding Tuvok very tightly which was a welcome change. Tuvok made a noise low in his throat, crossing his arms in front of himself - forming an ‘x’ so that they were flattened against his chest. It was an extremely pleasant sensation.
“Do you want me to be quiet?” Chakotay asked.
‘No.’
“That means…no, right? It doesn’t mean yes.”
‘Yes.’
“Okay, glad to see you’re still difficult.” Chakotay said, pleasure clear in his voice despite his antagonistic words. This was usual and a facet of his lover’s personality which Tuvok had accepted as intrinsic to his conversational style. “Is there anything else you want me to do?”
‘No.’
“So I get to monologue to myself and hug you for minutes on end? This is a dream come true. Someone’s looking down on me and smiling.”
‘No one should look down on you. You have done nothing wrong.’
“Oh that was a lot.” Chakotay said, amused for some reason. At him? Tuvok looked at him and frowned. “I’m not laughing at you if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s just…” Chakotay was smiling. “I was just looking at your hands and thinking…’Those are some angry hands.’ and it made me laugh.”
Tuvok relaxed, feeling the truth of the answer from his and Chakotay’s physical connection. He was a stronger telepath than most Vulcans and that could be very overwhelming. However, the physical connection between them drowned out any other chatter. Tuvok was grateful to his lover for this.
The gratitude overwhelmed and he flung his hands outward three times before crashing back onto Chakotay’s chest and sighing deeply. He relaxed, calmer.
“Was that a good thing? No, wait. Let me guess…a neutral thing?”
‘Yes.’
“I knew it.” Chakotay hummed happily.
The two of them laid there silently for a long time with Chakotay only occasionally talking to grumble about the wrestling match he was playing on Tuvok’s PADD. Thankfully it was muted. Tuvok closed his eyes and pressed his face into Chakotay’s chest. The pressure was soothing. He remembered how T’Pel would press her head against his whenever he was feeling like this. She’d also hold his hands and they would push against one another that way. He attempted to banish all thought of his wife when he was feeling overwhelmed as in the past it had only exacerbated the feeling.
Tuvok blinked, getting up. Chakotay made a little noise of surprise but once he saw that Tuvok was simply gathering up new clothing and heading for the bathroom he settled back down.
In the bathroom Tuvok took a shower and dressed himself in the soft robes he favored when he wasn’t expecting company. All of his personal robes were soft of course but these particular ones had been something his children had given him, all four of them giving what seemed like a small presentation about why they’d chosen it. It had ended with the youngest one, his daughter, proudly proclaiming “-And it is soft as sehlat fur.”
The phrase ‘soft as sehlat fur’ as of course a buzzword sales tactic used by offworlders as Sehlats had no uniformity in their fur’s softness, it varied by the sehlat’s breed and environment, but it reminded Tuvok of his own sehlat which he’d had as a child. He used to press his face or entire body against her when he was feeling overstimulated by his environment and she would seem almost Vulcan in how little his actions perturbed her. She had been a close companion of his.
Remembering Wari used to bring him a great amount of emotional distress but it had been decades and the distance time brought had left him with only dim, positive associations. Remembering his children brought him moderate emotional distress however, so he stopped and brushed his teeth before stepping into his bedroom again.
Chakotay looked up at him and smiled.
Tuvok remembered his earlier behavior and internally winced. However he tried to let that feeling go. He had done what he could to ease the overwhelm he was going through and had succeeded. Chakotay was not a random human, he was his lover and he would not tell anyone about this. The fact that he would not tell anyone would be made clear to him in due time.
Satisfied, Tuvok got back into bed, this time sitting beside the other man.
“You aren’t hungry?” Chakotay asked, moving the arm Tuvok was leaning against so that it was wrapped around the Vulcan. Tuvok didn’t comment on it, blinking slowly.
‘No.’ In truth he was a bit hungry but he had no energy to go to the mess hall. There would be a large crowd at this time and he would be expected to speak with people. The crowd would instantly send him into a state of overwhelm and speaking would be impossible.
“You seem tired.” Chakotay pointed out. Tuvok didn’t know whether that was a question or an observation that should go uncommented on. He’d learned from past experiences that it was best to remain silent in such instances. On a whim he reached up and patted the side of Chakotay’s head to demonstrate his affection.
“Mm?” Chakotay smiled, laughter softly bubbling up. “What’s that?”
Tuvok nearly explained before remembering Chakotay’s entirely yes/no based understanding of Vulcan sign. A simpler solution was necessary. That was why he kissed the side of the other man’s face where he’d previously had his palm.
Chakotay’s eyes widened and he caught Tuvok’s eye, a warm smile spreading across his face. “I love you.” He told him.
“It is a gesture of affection and gratitude, not love necessarily.” Tuvok replied, voice soft. Thankfully Chakotay was right next to him and did not require him to raise it.
Chakotay rolled his eyes, an affectionate gesture in the moment (one he did often). “You…” Then his eyes widened a bit in realization. “Hey, you’re talking!”
“An astute observation.” They both said at the same time.
Tuvok frowned.
Chakotay grinned.
“...You.” Tuvok said, mimicking his mate’s word choice but without inflection.
Chakotay kissed him on the lips. It was not unpleasant.
“Can you explain to me what happened?” Chakotay asked.
“The overwhelm.” Tuvok said.
Chakotay tilted his head slightly, brows furrowing in thought. “Overwhelm? What happened?”
“I am saktraik.” Tuvok explained softly, deciding that he could not handle Chakotay’s arm around him anymore. The pressure was not enough to be pleasant. “I believe the closest human equivalent is…autistic.” He said, ducking out of the embrace. “Though the term means nothing to me, as a Vulcan. It is just something I have been referred to as while working in Starfleet.”
“In a bad way?” Chakotay asked.
“In a neutral way.” They both replied.
Tuvok rolled his eyes and Chakotay laughed.
“You know me well.” Tuvok said begrudgingly. The…joke? Parlor trick? Reminded him of when his sons had been small and would shake their hands with otherwise unexpressed joy, unconsciously mimicking his own actions. Most had grown out of this habit.
“Well, is there anything I can do to help?” Chakotay asked.
“You performed admirably.”
“I had no idea what I was doing.”
“And yet you performed admirably.” Tuvok said, settling in. Chakotay waited for him to re-emerge from the blankets but when it was clear that wasn’t going to happen he slid down under with him.
“I just…want to be able to help you.” Chakotay said. “If you don’t want to get into it right now that’s fine, I’ll wait but…” He smiled softly even though Tuvok’s eyes were closed. He moved to touch him but remembered his arm being shrugged off earlier and stopped, continuing to admire him instead.
“Isn’t it logical that I be able to help you? As your…”
“Mate?” Tuvok suggested.
“Ugh.” Chakotay scoffed, laughing. “Right.”
“Mm.” Tuvok said, then sighed deeply. “I do not typically discuss it with others.”
“Kathryn knows.”
Tuvok opened his eyes slightly. “Crucially, I did not claim to never discuss it with others.”
Chakotay smiled. “Mhm…you look handsome.”
“That seems unrelated to the topic at hand.”
“It’s the topic at my other hand.” Chakotay said. “I have two.”
Tuvok sighed very deeply, then flung one of his hands away from himself. “Chakotay.”
“You wish I had a middle and last name so you could say them all disappointed, admit it.”
“I have no concept of middle or last names.” Tuvok said. “Why do humans in all their individuality require so many names?”
“To really customize. Mix and match.” Chakotay said.
“I become overwhelmed by external and internal stimuli at times.” Tuvok said, returning to the original topic as he felt the one they’d explored at Chakotay’s prompting had exhausted itself. “It is not a frequent occurrence and I have techniques which ease the discomfort brought on by the overwhelm but at times it…is rather…difficult.”
Chakotay nodded. He held out a hand and Tuvok took it, squeezing it to feel the other man squeeze back.
“I apologize for the display earlier. I should not have lost control that way.”
“Yeah you really went crazy back there, what with all the hugging and lying completely still for an hour.”
“...You are being facetious.”
“Yeah.” Chakotay said, smiling. “Tuvok, I’m a human-”
“I’ve noticed.”
“I didn’t finish!” Chakotay laughed. “I’m a human so this doesn’t seem as uh…strange as you might think. I really don’t mind if you want me to hold you for a while. Or anything else, I mean it, anything.”
Tuvok closed his eyes again, comforted. “You cannot promise me anything.” He warned. The enormity of ‘anything’ was an illogical thing to promise, entirely based in emotion.
“I can promise you everything I’ve got.” Chakotay amended. “Can I kiss you?” He asked.
Tuvok thought about it. “You may kiss me once.” He said, clarifying because he knew the human could become…passionate.
Chakotay made a pleasant noise and leaned forward, kissing Tuvok. His hand migrated to the base of the Vulcan’s skull again and again Tuvok’s hands shot out to grab at Chakotay’s uniform, requiring it.
“I knew you liked that.” Chakotay said in a low, quiet voice.
“...I am hungry after all.” Tuvok said rather than refute him, sliding out from under the blankets and walking across the room.
“You can’t deny my charm forever.” Chakotay said, following him and stretching. He made a pained noise and attempted to massage his neck.
“I deny nothing.” Tuvok said, reaching up and pressing on four distinct nerves which made the human sag with relief.
“Tuvok, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever done for me.”
“I’ve saved your life countless times.”
Chakotay grinned. “I stand by it.”