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Bellamy isn't sure how he made it this far in life without ever having a crush on anyone.
He hadn't even really realized he hadn't; he's been attracted to people, dated some in high school, hooked up a lot more, and had a ton of fun with Roma. But he hasn't had a crush, because it turns out crushes fucking suck. And he would have noticed if he'd ever felt like this before.
"I was definitely not actually that into Roma," he says. He's lying on her couch with his arm over his face; Wick is sitting on his legs, which he deserves.
"I love you too, babe," says Roma, amused.
"But seriously. How do people do this? It's the fucking worst."
"You're twenty-one, right?" asks Wick. "How have you gone this long without feeling emotions?"
"I have emotions," says Bellamy. "Just not this one. Not like this."
"This is adorable. It's like you're in middle school. Why are you upset exactly? She came here with you and followed you around like a lost puppy, she probably likes you too."
"It's creepy," says Bellamy. "I'm an authority figure. Also, Octavia said they were going to a party so she could see some guy she has a crush on," he adds, with some reluctance.
"Oh, that's why you're moping," says Roma. "I thought you were just generally pathetic."
"I'm also generally pathetic," Bellamy says, because there is no denying it. He's moping because the girl he likes likes someone else. Wick is right, this is something he should have experienced and moved beyond in middle school. But Clarke is different. It's not just that she's hot (although, god, she's really hot), but she's--he just likes being around her, loves when she hangs out in his room, even when she doesn't say anything, even when she's just reading, he feels happier. And that's the kind of stupidly infatuated shit he's never felt before. He thinks about her all the time. "It's good, definitely," he says, in an attempt to salvage his life and his dignity. "She'll hook up with someone else and I'll stop having inappropriate feelings for her."
"You should have a crush all the time," says Wick. "It's like every day is my birthday."
Bellamy pushes his legs up so Wick falls off the sofa. It's a small comfort.
*
He was pretty screwed right from the start, because the first time he saw Clarke, she was bending over to put down a box in a v-neck shirt and he got a long look at her truly awesome breasts, and it's hard to be completely professional and fraternal with someone once that image is in your head. And then she was all--shy and lost and unsure, and coming into his room to watch him play video games, and if she hadn't been his sister's roommate, he probably would have asked her out already.
Except that he really, really likes her. Stupid amounts. He doesn't really know how to deal with how much he likes her, isn't sure he'd know how to ask her out, given how much he likes her. He doesn't even quite get it, most of the time, except that she's fun and smart and cool and beautiful and--
And yeah, he's been screwed pretty much from the beginning.
*
Bellamy's finishing setting up for the party Octavia insisted he have when she and the rest of her crew, minus Clarke, make it down to set up the video game systems. "Did your roommate somehow die coming down a single flight of stairs?" he asks, hoping he's not being too obvious.
"Nope. She claimed she was talking to her mom, but I suspect she's talking to her boyfriend." She sing-songs the last word, even though Clarke isn't here to get embarrassed about it. Bellamy's blood runs cold, this sudden rush of disappointment all through his body. This was supposed to help, but nope. He really does not want her to have a boyfriend.
"Her boyfriend?" he asks, even though it is absolutely a stupid thing to ask. Octavia's like a shark when it comes to feelings, and this is pretty much blood in the water.
Her eyes narrow. "The guy we were stalking last week."
"Oh," he says, rubbing the back of his neck. "Huh. She didn't mention they were serious or anything. I figured she would have."
Octavia is still looking at him with too much interest, but thankfully, Wick, Roma, Indra, and Miller show up just then, and Wick jumps on his back and nearly knocks him over, which is a big improvement over having feelings.
"This is the worst party I have ever seen, Blake, Jesus."
"It hasn't even started yet. Monty's doing video games, I'm getting music, leave me alone, asshole."
Wick ruffles his hair, kisses him on the temple, and bounces off to help Monty.
"This is why I don't invite my friends to things," he tells Octavia, but she's still giving him the fucking calculating look. She's probably reviewing every interaction he has ever had with Clarke and coming to all the right conclusions. "They're deeply embarrassing assholes."
"She's not dating him," Octavia tells him finally. "But he is coming tonight, so don't be weird, okay?"
"Weird's kind of my default," he says. "Go play video games."
Clarke comes down wearing a blue sundress, looking light and summery even though it's almost October, and she is absolutely perfect. He pretends not to see her when she comes in, like he's really distracted by his computer, and then feels like the biggest tool of all time. He might be.
She comes over to say hi anyway, of course, but he's prepared by then. He teases her a little, and they hang out, and if Octavia glances over a few times, he pointedly ignores her.
And then fucking Finn Collins shows up, which is just fucking unfair, really. Clarke doesn't exactly light up when she sees him, but she looks pleased, and she leaves Bellamy to hang out with him, which means Finn is probably winning this one. And, really, couldn't she like some cute, harmless freshman who would be scared of Bellamy? Finn's not scared of him. He's not sure he can intimidate Finn if Finn doesn't treat her right. And, seriously, last he heard, Finn was still dating Raven, and he thinks Raven would have mentioned if they'd stopped. Not that he's talked to her much since she went abroad, but he's pretty sure it would have come up at least once, between her sending him pictures of drinkable mayonnaise snacks and complaining about karaoke parties.
He pulls out his phone and texts Miller, WHY DO GIRLS LIKE FUCKING FINN COLLINS, and then realizes it's kind of ambiguous and adds, FINN FUCKING COLLINS, because if Clarke likes fucking Finn Collins, he absolutely does not want to know about it. And then, because, god, Finn, seriously, he adds, he's barely a person miller.
Miller comes over after the round of whatever they're playing ends. "What about Collins?"
"He might be dating my freshman."
"I thought he was dating Reyes."
"Apparently not."
Miller rolls his eyes. "You know this is getting pathetic, right?"
He cues up another song that encourages jumping and shouting and no physical contact with other human beings, because he's fucking mature. "I know."
His phone buzzes, and he checks and sees it's a text from Octavia: give miller back, me & clarke are setting him up with monty, u don't need him. Which is news to him, but Miller sucks at dating, and he could probably use the help. Not that Bellamy can talk, at this point. He's not terrible at dating, but he's absolutely hopeless at being in love.
"Anyway, go back to doing actual party stuff," he tells Miller. "Don't mind me."
Miller claps him on the back. "Your life is shit."
"Thanks, man."
*
He gets lunch with Wick on Sunday and makes some amount of polite small talk, until Wick kicks him in the foot and says, "Jesus Christ, what?"
Bellamy stabs the ice cubes in his water with his straw, vicious. "You talked to Reyes lately?"
"Raven? A couple days ago, sure. Why?"
"Clarke brought Collins to that party," he says. "Collins said they broke up. She never mentioned that to me."
Wick looks at him for a long minute. "If you're fucking with me, I will actually murder you."
Bellamy has to laugh. "So, still got a thing for Reyes, huh?"
"Is she still amazing? Of course I've still got a thing for Reyes. Shut up. You're the least competent person I have ever met when you're dealing with actual feelings, you don't get to talk about my thing for Reyes." He cocks his head at Bellamy. "Seriously? He said they broke up?"
"Before she went to Japan."
"No," says Wick. "No way. That definitely did not happen. I mean, I'll ask her, because that's fucked up, but--she's mentioned him a couple times, and there's no, like, my ex or whatever. Fuck, that fucking asshole. I can't believe he'd do that to her. I'm going to murder him."
Bellamy's inclined to agree, but it also seems--weird. Overall. He doesn't think Finn has really noticed Bellamy and Raven are friends, or he wouldn't have acted like her study abroad was news (and, seriously, everything else aside, a good boyfriend would know who his girlfriend hangs out with), but lying about having broken up with someone is one of those things that's really easy to verify. And maybe Bellamy's an asshole for trying to verify it in the first place, but a lot of people he cares about are involved in this, and if Finn breaks either Clarke's or Raven's heart, he'll probably help Wick murder him.
Wick hits him on gchat the next night: Raven says they didn't break up. I'll hold him and you punch, then we can switch
He debates for about thirty seconds and then goes over to Clarke's room. He knows Octavia isn't around, so they'll have at least some measure of privacy. For a little while. And she deserves to know sooner rather than later, even if she's pissed at him for getting involved.
He hears, "It's open!" from inside, and he leans in. "Hey, what's up?"
She's wearing a ratty tank top and pajamas and has Skype up, and she's kind of pink. He tries to remind himself what he came for, which was not to ask if she wants to make out. And then he processes the Skype and gives her a sheepish smile. "Shit, I'm interrupting, sorry. I can--"
"No, it's fine. Come on in." She turns to the guy she's talking to. "Wells, this is my RA, Bellamy, who I assume is worried his sister is on a secret date. I'm going to reassure him she's on five secret dates."
He can't help a small smile, even though he still feels like a total dick. This is kind of beyond the scope of regular RA responsibility. This is, well. This is pretty inappropriate, all things considered.
He sits down on Octavia's bed, which feels safer than getting anywhere near Clarke's; she shuts her laptop and cocks her head at him, frowning. "What is it?"
He has some amount of experience with these conversations from years of finding out shit he thinks Octavia should know, either by accident or on purpose. "Look, I--I don't want to be a jerk or interfere in your life or anything, I swear this was not--I wasn't meddling."
"Okay. Seriously, what is it?"
"I mentioned to Wick that Raven and Finn broke up, and he said he was pretty sure they didn't. I figured he just hadn't heard about it, but I guess he asked her about it and she says they're still together. Obviously, I don't know any details or anything, but--I thought you should know. I always thought they were pretty serious, so--sorry." He's surprised to find he really means it. Not so much because Finn's a great loss, but--he'd rather she dated someone other than him than getting her heart broken. If Clarke feels the same way about Finn that he feels about her, this is going to suck.
He's learning all kinds of things about having feelings.
"Bellamy," she says, soft, weirdly gentle, like he's the one who needs comforting. She comes over to sit next to him, closer than she usually does when they're on the futon. It would be really easy to put his arm around her. "Why are you apologizing?"
He gives her a wry smile. "Octavia made me promise to cut down on my meddling."
"I don't think it's meddling if it's an accident. God forbid you tell Wick his crush is single."
She's smiling, teasing even, and Bellamy feels himself smiling in response. "You don't seem that upset."
"I'll ask him about it, but--" she shrugs. "It's not like we were that serious. If he's a lying jerk, I'd rather find out now."
She's looking at him now, blue eyes and tentative smile, not heartbroken at all, and all he can do is stare back. He tries to remind himself of all the reasons he should not kiss her, like she's into Finn--fucking Finn--and she's Octavia's roommate and they're on Octavia's bed, but he's having trouble making any of them stick because she's not crying or even particularly sad, and Octavia isn't here, and he could definitely just pick her up and take her over to her bed and--
"Yeah," he says, gruff, before he can think about that any more. "Well, I hope he's--not a jerk," he says, because he is the fucking worst at life.
"I thought he wasn't good enough for me," she teases, but she looks a little flushed. It's not good for his mental health.
"He's not. But I hope he wasn't using you to cheat on his girlfriend anyway."
She smiles. "Thanks, Bellamy."
She hasn't looked away, and he hasn't either, so they're still staring at each other, and he's still thinking about kissing her, and when he licks his lips she leans in, just a little, before vaulting herself off the bed like it's on fire.
"So, how many dates is O on?" he asks, hoping to completely break the moment. Talking about his sister is the conversational equivalent of a cold shower for him.
She picks up the change of subject gratefully, but he can't help asking if she wants to come hang out in his room, because he is stupid in love with her. She comes over with her anatomy book, in her goddamn tank top, and settles in next to him, still a little too close. He has a really perfect angle on seeing down her shirt, which he tries to ignore, but he's not a saint, and the only way to really avoid it is to not look at her at all, and that's not happening.
He texts Miller while she's in the bathroom: is "girls in tank tops making fun of me about video games" a kink or just a personal preference
Miller texts back: i'm going to read that text at your wedding, jsyk
He doesn't respond, because all he can come up with is variations on as long as we're having a wedding, and he already feels pathetic enough. He doesn't need help with that.
*
"So, what's your plan?" He's at lunch with Wick; Miller, Roma, and Nyko abandoned them because they were too sad, and he can't blame any of them. He was hoping Miller would develop some sort of pathetic thing for Monty and join their awful pity party, but if he has, he's having those feelings alone.
"I don't have a plan," he tells Wick. "She'll need time to get over him, right? The last thing I want to be is a Finn Collins rebound."
"Or she'll decide you're not interested and go for someone else." Wick regards him. "I'm not an expert or anything, but if Raven was single and hung out with me like Clarke hangs out with you, I'd fucking go for it."
"Raven is single," Bellamy reminds him.
"I know, I love your freshman. And I hate Finn, fuck. How do you not break up with your girlfriend?"
Bellamy hides his smile with a duck of his head. He's glad someone else hates Finn as much as he does. "Yeah, total dick."
"Anyway, Raven said if you don't hook up with Clarke, she's going to try to have consolation prize sex with you, so do it for me, okay? Be a pal."
"I'll see what I can do."
Octavia finds him later that day. "So, you have a giant, stupid thing for my roommate, huh? Breaking her and Finn up was, like, next level."
"What, you think I shouldn't have told her?" he asks, mild. He doesn't mind being pathetic in front of his friends, but his sister is another story.
"No," she admits. "Just--have you thought about doing the normal, mature thing and asking her out?"
He considers this, and then says, "You're not going to tell me I'm creepy?"
"You have, like, negative emotional maturity. She's probably better at this than you are, and she's never dated anyone. You're honestly more sad than creepy."
"Oh good, that's what I like to hear."
She pets him on the shoulder. "You should ask her out, that's all I'm saying. Instead of--whatever you're doing."
"Hey, what's this I hear about you dating a thirty-year-old?" he calls after her as she leaves his room.
"He's twenty-three, we're not dating, and shut up," she says, without looking back. She does give him the finger over her shoulder, though.
Bellamy has to admit, he raised that girl right.
*
Clarke opens her and Octavia's door on Halloween in fucking leather armor. She's got a tiny skirt, a lot of cleavage, a sword at her belt, and a shield with an owl on it. Bellamy hasn't even had fantasies about this, because it never even occurred to him, and now he is going to be jerking off to this image until the day he dies, probably. She's fucking Athena. He should propose.
She's looking up at him, expectant, and he picks his jaw up off the ground enough to say, "Uh, hi. You're, uh. You look. Um." He scratches the back of his head, trying to get a sentence together that isn't holy fucking shit. Which isn't a sentence either. "Nice costume."
She beams. "Thanks. Octavia got it for me."
Of course she did. "Thanks," he tells O. "Really."
She makes him take pictures of them and then abandons them, which Clarke seems fine with. She doesn't seem surprised either, and he finally has to ask, "You know my sister's trying to hook us up, right?"
"I know."
He sort of expected her answer to help him out, but it's dark and he's having trouble looking at her because she's dressed as a fucking Greek goddess, so it's hard to get a good read on her emotional state. "Okay, yeah," he says. "As long as we're both aware."
He has no real interest in the party itself, but it's the first time he's gone to something like this with Clarke, and that feels like something. He could ask her to dance. He's gearing up for it when fucking Finn Collins shows up, pretty much out of nowhere, and Clarke actually agrees to go with him.
"It'll only take a minute?" she offers, and he tries really hard not to react. He was so sure she was over the guy, that she hadn't liked him that much in the first place, and now-- "A minute," she assures him, and then she kisses him.
It lasts maybe a second, at most, just the press of her lips against his, and he's too stunned to try to pull her back for the kiss he really wants to give her. She squeezes his hand, smiles, and follows Finn, and he's dazed for a long second, and then even more confused. He thinks about texting Octavia and immediately dismisses that idea.
He texts Miller instead: what does it mean when a girl kisses you and then leaves to talk to another guy
Miller texts back almost immediately: usually it means I told her I'm gay. it's happened like five times
He texts Wick the same thing, and Wick responds: I'll hold him, you can punch.
He almost googles it, but she said she'd be right back and kissed him, so he can't imagine she's going to leave with Finn. Unless she was trying to make him jealous, but--no. That's really not Clarke at all. He's an idiot for even thinking it.
She probably kissed him because she likes him, and she doesn't like Finn. And that's fucking awesome.
She comes back in and immediately settles in against him, snuggled up to his side. "Everything okay?" he asks, a little worried, but she smiles.
"Yeah. He accepted I was taken, I told him I wouldn't go out with him even if I wasn't and reinforced that it was good he broke up with his girlfriend."
He looks down at her. "Taken, huh?"
"Yeah."
He tries to figure out a way he could be misinterpreting this and comes up with a dozen, but he just doesn't care. She kissed him. "So I know we just got here, but do you maybe want to leave?" he asks.
She laughs. "I didn't want to come in the first place."
He takes her hand as they go, and she squeezes his fingers. It's about the best thing that's ever happened to him.
*
He wakes up first in the morning, with Clarke mostly on top of him, wearing one of his t-shirts. He really needs to go to the bathroom, but he also doesn't want to wake her up, or even move, because Clarke is asleep on him. He's pretty sure it'll happen a lot, but it's still awesome.
He extricates himself carefully, and she doesn't stir at all. He takes another second to look at her, mostly because, yes, the girl he's in love with really is in his bed, and he had sex with her, twice. And it was awesome.
Then he really does have to go to the bathroom.
It's almost ten, which means Octavia is up, so he stops by her room on his way back to his. She glares at him when she opens the door. "I'm very happy for you, but if you're here to gloat, I will murder you."
"I wanted to pick up some clothes for her?" he says, rubbing the back of his neck. "She just has her Halloween costume."
Octavia considers him for a minute, but then gestures him inside. "That's acceptable." She helps him pick out some clothes, and then says, "So, I'm not going to give you a lecture about hurting my roommate. I assume you already gave her a talk about how you are responsible and will transfer dorms if you guys break up and she doesn't have to worry, etc. etc." He winces, and she surprises him by throwing her arms around him. "I love you, Bell. Go wake your girlfriend up, we're having breakfast."
He goes back to his room and shakes Clarke awake. She blinks up at him, smiling, and he gets kind of distracted kissing her again, because he can still kiss her. He's on top of her and they're mostly naked when there's a banging on his door and he hears Octavia yell, "BREAKFAST!"
Clarke giggles, and Bellamy is very tempted to skip it. "I was supposed to be waking you up for breakfast," he tells her.
"Good job."
"I did get you clothes."
"My hero."
"Well, if you put the armor back on, I wouldn't let you leave," he admits.
She grins as she pulls on her t-shirt. "We'll save that for later, then."
Octavia has to bang on the door two more times before they finally make it out.
*
"So, were you, like, completely pathetic, and no one ever told me?" Clarke asks. Her birthday party is over, and they're lying in his bed, warm and companionable. "I've been hearing a lot about how pathetic you were."
"When?"
"Before we started dating. I thought you were all cool and mature and mysterious, but apparently you spent the whole time texting Miller with emotional crises and crying on Wick. Roma gave me a really hilarious drunken run-down on your emotional state after you met me as a birthday present. Was I the only one who didn't know about this?"
"I didn't want you to know about it." He kisses her hair. "I'd never had a crush before, okay? It was a very weird time for me."
She rolls over so her elbows are propped on his chest. "I'm your first crush?" she asks, gleeful.
"Shut up."
"You can legally drink!"
"So?"
"How am I your first crush?"
"I have very discriminating taste in women, okay?"
She kisses him. "You're adorable."
"Shut up," he says, without heat.
She steals his phone and texts Miller: I'm Bellamy's first crush!!
Miller texts back, i'm adding this to the list of texts i'll read at your wedding, and then, is texting me some weird form of foreplay for you guys?
Bellamy doesn't see that one until after they're done having sex, so he figures the question answered itself. And, really, Miller should treasure their texts. They're adorable.
He's totally got this love thing down.