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"Hey!" Jeongguk screeched as he ran into the room, promptly ignored by the inhabitants. It was their day off and they were all lazing around in front of the TV and their various laptops and phones; too tired to get up and do something.
"What is it?" Namjoon didn't look away from the TV to speak to Jeongguk, he felt like this cheerleader character of the American TV show they were watching strongly connected to him emotionally.
"I have an idea, guys!" Jeongguk plopped the plastic convenience store bags he had been carrying onto the table. This time, all their head turned to look at him, then at the bags, then back at him. He reached into one of the bags, pulling out one of the many jumbo packets of fluffy marshmallows he had previously purchased. "You ever heard of the chubby bunny challenge?"
-
After Jeongguk had explained the game, they were all more than a little hesitant to play.
"I'm not sure this is a good idea", Namjoon breathed, staring at the bags of marshmallows in front of him. There were a lot of marshmallows.
"Me neither, but I'll try it if you guys do", Jimin piped up from his position on the floor. Damnit, if Jimin was gonna do it then they all had to.
"Yeah, me too."
There were murmurs of agreement that made Jeongguk grin widely.
"Good, good!"
They all emptied the marshmallows into a bunch of large bowls, one not being anywhere near big enough to hold them all. They ditched their laptops and the television was still chattering with life in the background, the volume at 10%.
"Who wants to go first?" Kookie glanced around the circle, holding a big green bowl of white marshmallows inside.
After a heated discussion, which, much to everyone's dismay, led to some sort of rap battle between Namjoon, Yoongi and Hoseok ("At least I don't relate to Santana from Glee like she's my soul sister." "You take that back." "Well, Joonie, you kind of do." "No, your mum does." "Sure, Jan."), they decided that Seokjin would be the first to take his turn, him being the oldest and such. He had to stop himself from grimacing as he took the bowl from the younger's hands.
"Alright", he sighed, what had he gotten himself into? Seokjin placed the bowl down by his legs, using his handkerchief to wipe away the sweat that had accumulated on his forehead. Yes, handkerchief. It had tigers on it; it was his favourite. "Let's start, shall we?"
He didn't wait for an unneeded answer before grabbing a marshmallow and throwing it into his mouth.
"Chubby bunny", the first was always the easiest. The others were oddly quiet as they watched Seokjin repeat the same process with a few more marshmallows, save for Taehyung giggling at his cheeks. ("They look like Jungkookie's cheeks!" That earned a punch in the shoulder.)
The laughter grew louder and louder, as Jin's cheeks inflated. Stopping himself from laughing (because that would not be fun for any of them), he demolished the first bowl, to everyone's surprise, he started on the second massive bowl. His 'chubby bunny' was sounding more and more like a muffled 'shubnybppury'.
Eventually, as Seokjin had finished stuffing the second bowl's contents into his mouth, and then the third, and then the fourth, and then the rest of their marshmallows, the laughter had died down and turned into concerned murmuring. Seokjin's cheeks were gigantic and stored more marshmallows than they appeared to.
He make several sounds that the other boys realised was him trying to speak.
"H-hyung? Um, you have all the marshmallows in your mouth", Jeongguk stared and hesitated before going on, "...and I don't think that's physically possible."
Seokjin made some more muffled noises before abruptly standing up, his eyes turned dark & wild. (Warning! Love hurts, it causes anger, jealousy, obsession, why don't u love me back?)
He made for the door, ignoring everyone's loud protests of confusion. Where was he going? Will he come back? They ended up following him out, curious as to what marshmallow filled Seokjin would get up to.
-
To say that they got a few strange stares was an understatement as they walked through the street as a group. Seokjin seemed normal, he seemed calm, I mean, if you ignore the fact that both his cheeks looked like extra heads and there was little drop of saliva dripping off the side of his chin. Hoseok, the caring and lovely person he is, wiped it away before they entered a convenience store.
The other boys loitered by the door uncertainly, as Seokjin seemed to know what he was doing. He reached the section with shelves of candy, eyeing all the bags of marshmallows of every sort. If only the other boys had picked up on this, because then maybe they could have stopped him from slapping the man being the counter with a box of pocky, kicking him in the crotch so that he was bent over in extreme pain, grabbed a plastic bag and shoved every packet of marshmallows they had in stock inside and ran out of the store, making loud gurgling noises at the others to run.
And they did, note that they were screaming in terror and confusion the whole time, but they ran. They ran through the city streets, each one more crowded than the last.
"WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUCK???!!!" Yoongi was screeching as they hurried to keep up with the eldest. The latter had grabbed extra bags of marshmallows from stalls and stores as he went past, his pace became quicker and quicker.
"I'M SO SCARED, I AM AFRAID, MAKE HIM STOP, PLEASE" Jimin had tears streaming down his face and Taehyung was sobbing so loud the windows of nearby shops rattled slightly. Everyone was yelling, racing past bewildered civilians as Seokjin continued his grand heist. He was impossibly fast, a blur of movement and marshmallowy goodness.
Next thing you know, they were back at their apartment, thousands of people outside in the hallway, the crowds branched all the way down to the streets. Seokjin had stolen every single marshmallow in Korea, in the world.
There was lots of confused yelling and running around inside the apartment as the crowds banged on the door as if it was ya mum on a Friday night. Who knew people could get so angry about stolen marshmallows? The boys sure didn't. Jin had left hundreds of kids' parties marshmallow-less and even more s'mores empty and incomplete. As everyone was frantic and panicking, the thief himself was comfortably lying on the couch, pushing marshmallow after marshmallow into his mouth; a 'shumbybnneh' slipped out between every one.
His cheeks grew. He wasn't slowing down. Nobody could stop him now, but that didn't mean they didn't try. Jeongguk was on his knees by the couch, begging him to stop, "Seokjin hyung, I'm sorry! I'll never suggest a game this stupid again, just please stop!"
The banging and yelling from behind the door became louder. People wanted their marshmallows, damnit.
"Seokjin, I swear to god, if you don't give back the marshmallows, then-", Namjoon faltered as Jin turned to face him, stare icy cold and accompanied by marshmallow-filled cheeks that could be mistaken for two extra planets in our solar system. The younger didn't attempt to finish his statement as Jin slid another marshmallow into his mouth without breaking eye contact.
"Shofbbhypoffe."
"No!" Hoseok was in tears, as was everyone else. "It doesn't even sound like it anymore! There are angry mobs outside, I don't want to go to jail because Seokjin refuses to share the mallows!"
"Did... did you just call marshmallows 'mallows'?" Jimin asked as everyone turned to look at him, even Seokjin.
"Yes, I did, and I'm not sorry", Hoseok was still crying, but just with more sass, sassy crying, "if you have a pro'lem with that then you can kiss my mallows."
"That's enough", Jeongguk pet Hoseok's face, shushing him, as Seokjin opened a bunch of 'mallow' packets and shovelled the contents into his mouth. That was the last lot. That was all the mallows the earth had.
"Chommehfuneh."
Everybody stared, absolutely mortified, at Seokjin's overinflated cheeks and intense gaze that wandered from one boy to the next. Even though he was the only one sitting down, he looked down on the younger boys, him and his colossal cheeks were superior.
"Okay!" Taehyung raised his voice over the talking from the other side of the front door, "that's the last straw! I have an idea!"
All of them looked to him desperately, they wanted Seokjin back to normal, with normal cheeks and they wanted the people to leave them alone and hopefully leave with marshmallows in their hands. Taehyung looked like he was deep in thought, fingers tapping his chin subconsciously.
"How weird is the word idea, shouldn't it be spelt i-d-e-a-r?"
"HYUNG, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR IDEA!?" Jeongguk was losing it.
"Oh right", he acted as if they were having a casual conversation over brunch, "so like, have any of you heard of Tiddalik the frog?"
Everyone had gathered in a circle centred in the living room, with the exception of Jin sitting back on the couch, gently rubbing his stretched cheeks. There was a blanket of murmurs, mostly 'what's and 'I have no idea what is happening's.
"I have", Namjoon raised his hand and a sudden beam of light spotlighted on him as they all turned to look, waiting for him to elaborate. "In Australia, the Indigenous people, or the Aboriginal people, would tell stories of the dreamtime, which was the time in which the world was created. The dreamtime stories consisted of tales on how things came to be in nature, ranging from the how the land's shape was formed to how birds got their colours. My personal favourite being how kangaroos got their tails."
Everyone continued to stare with blank expressions, Taehyung nodded thoughtfully.
"Tiddalik the Frog is the story about a greedy frog on a hot day who became incredibly thirsty and drank all of the land's water. Animals and plants were dying from dehydration and they all gathered to confront the giant frog", Namjoon paused to readjust his sunglasses that he was wearing inside for some swaggy reason, "they all took turns trying to make the frog laugh and release all the water within him. Eventually, it as the snake who tied himself in knots that made Tiddalik laugh. Rivers and lakes were then formed as water spilled from his mouth and all the animals celebrated as they were able to access water again."
The more you know. *SFX*
There was some more silence.
"So what you're telling me", Yoongi always stared upwards when he was thinking and he was intently gazing toward the heavens as if an angel was going to descend and remove him from the hell he was experiencing, "is that all the water in Australia has been inside a large frog's mouth."
Everyone nodded, seeming to understand the concept once it was laid out by Yoongi.
"What does that have to do with marshmallows though?" Jimin couldn't remember a time that day where he wasn't confused or afraid or both.
"What this tale is teaching us is", Namjoon continued as if he had never stopped, "is that greed for what isn't yours can lead to not only your downfall, but the downfall of others. Always be considerate. That's what I love about studying these types of myths, they teach us multiple lessons as well as assisting me in developing my philosophies."
"Oh my god, shut up", Jeongguk was ready to hit his head against a nearby wall until he passed out. But he didn't, because that was not swaggy. This group was swaggy, they had to maintain such a reputation. "What does this have to do with our Seokjin predicament?"
Taehyung's low laugh broke the silence. Everyone was puzzled as to why he was chuckling an octave deeper than Harry Styles in a dirty One Direction fanfiction written by a thirsty thirteen-year-old girl.
"Oh, Jeongguk", he laughed, taking a few steps closer to the younger boy, "oh, young, naïve, foolish, Jeongguk." He rubbed the top of the boy's head as if they weren't approximately the same height, Jeongguk sobbed super uglily. "You see, Tiddalik's situation is quite similar to Mother Seokjin's. The frog drank all the water, the dude absorbed all the marshmallows."
"I don't think absorbed is the ri-"
"So, obviously", Taehyung was bringing his grand plan around to a conclusion that everyone saw coming. "We have to find a snake and tie it in a knot." Maybe not.
Seokjin was sound asleep on the couch, a little drop of saliva dribbling down his chin, his cheeks engorged and still, their presence ominuous.
"Maybe", Hoseok drawled out slowly, the banging outside had significantly quieted and the shouting was replaced with decent-volumes threats. The masses were tiring. "We could try make him laugh and they'll all come out?"
"Wow, Sherlock Hoe has entered the building", Yoongi snorted. Taehyung jabbed Yoongi's side with his index finger.
"Hyung! Be nice to my boyfriend", Hoseok let Taehyung take a hold of his hand and they didn't let go for god knows how long.
"How do we make this guy laugh?" Namjoon switched to serious swag mode as he watched Seokjin's sleeping figure, he missed his wife.
-
Upon waking Seokjin up with the promise of more marshmallows, they were met with an incredibly unimpressed and tired Seokjin. He threw a small, silent tantrum at the lack of extra marshmallows to stuff into his talking hole.
There were many failed attempts to make him laugh, Jeongguk was on the floor, nobody knew if he was dead or asleep. Taehyung had somehow found his left foot stuck in a pail and the other in a hole in the floorboard caused by a stray cannonball, but he was still holding hands with Hoseok who was on his knees, as they were superglued to a pair of pink, glittery slippers that were then superglued to the floor by Jimin and his head was adorned with a pair of faux cat ears over a rainbow wig, the type you would find in Madagascar 3. Jimin had found a fairy floss machine somewhere and was covering various household items with the strings of sickly sweet, sticky sugar. He handed Namjoon a spatula wrapped in the stuff and then he continued to stick it to a sculpture he had been making solely out of items Jimin had covered in candy floss, the sugary pink gunk stuck together surprisingly well. Namjoon claimed that it was symbolic of humanity's dying hope of ever really having a purpose, we're lost and trapped in a never-ending cycle of daily routines until we die, much like how his alarm clock was trapped in a pink sugary cloud. He had fallen down a few times in the process, the sound of his face smacking against floorboards echoed every time. They nicknamed him BAMjoon (ha ha). Yoongi was rocking back and forth in the corner, arms wrapped around his legs which were pulled to his chest, if you listened closely, you could hear him chanting 'hip hop is dead' repeatedly to the beat of the nearby metronome. At least, it was assumed to be nearby judging by the sound, but it was nowhere to be seen. It was like a ghost metronome. Ghost beats. Angel beats. How many episodes did Angel Beats have? Thirteen. What's the last digit of thirteen? Three. How many sides in a triangle? Three. Illuminati confirmed. Yoongi began to screech at his sudden realisation. Everything is conspiracy, look out, Yoongi.
None of this affected Seokjin, he was as undeterred as ever, he looked quite bored as he played flappy bird on his phone. What the fuck? Who played flappy bird anymore? Seokjin, that's who.
Eventually, they all settled down and removed themselves from various restricting items. They all sat in a semi-circle on the floor in front of Seokjin's position on the couch. Jimin sat at the end, forearm covered in a thick layer of cotton candy and he was picking at it half-heartedly. If cotton candy couldn't bring Seokjin joy, what possibly could?
They sat their in silence, in exception of the quiet knocking on the walls and doors outside, as they fell into deep thought about how to make Jinnie laugh.
"Wait, so, is the C or the S silent in the word scent?" Jimin seemed to have had too much cotton candy, his eyes narrowed as he asked the question.
"Bruh." Taehyung leaned into Hoseok's side for support, his mind was being blown. They fist-bumped baymax-style.
"Maybe we really should get a snake and tie it in a knot", Namjoon pondered as he stroked Jeongguk's hair thoughtfully, the youngest was still passed out on the floor, his chest was heaving up and down slowly, so they ruled out death as a reason as to why he looked like one of the random bodies at the beginning of an NCIS episode.
"No! I believe in us. We can do this without resorting to legless reptiles", Yoongi pounded a fist into his other open hand, expression determined and slightly smudged near the mouth with tomato sauce that nobody knew where it came from.
They fell into silent thought again. What would make a 23-year-old pretty manboy laugh so hard he cried? Maybe Seokjin was too classy for dick jokes. Or maybe not? Taehyung had the guts to test the waters.
"Hey, Seokjin hyung", Tae caught the other's attention and he put down his phone to see what the boy had to say, "have you heard the joke about my penis?"
Seokjin's eyes widened for a fleeting moment before narrowing, he shook his head slowly, visibly as confused as the other boys in the group.
"I won't bother telling it to you right now, it's too long."
There was an eruption of laughter from the boys around him as Taehyung received high-fives and an appreciative nod from Hoseok. They all laughed except Seokjin, who just continued to stare, cheek-distorted expression unreadable.
"Hey", Namjoon was next to have a go at it, "do you know why my last girlfriend walked out on me?"
Seokjin looked slightly exasperated by now and sheepishly shook his head.
"I kept wasting our savings on penis extensions and she couldn't take it any longer", Namjoon started laughing immediately after his punchline as well as the five other boys, Jeongguk could probably hear the dick jokes in his dreams. Jin leaned back on the couch and crossed his arms. They had to try harder than an erection to get him to come around.
"You know, Jinnie", Yoongi was next to go, "you should know a couple of facts about me."
There was an expectant paused.
"1) My dick is the same length as one of the jumbo hotdogs at Lee's convenience store. And 2) I am banned from Lee's convenience store."
Again, there was a round of laughter. And again, Jin was silent.
"Okay, so I was at the library the other day, right?" Hoseok started and he received hums of acknowledgement in return, "well, I asked the librarian if they had that book on small penises yet, right?"
More humming.
He shrugged, "but she said it wasn't in yet."
Howls of laughter followed, as well as a gurgling grumble coming from Seokjin's direction.
Jimin tried next. "You know, I've decided to nickname my dick 'Elbow'", he grinned almost innocently.
"Oh really?" Yoongi asked, Jimin nodded, "why?"
Jimin looked of into the distance, he sighed before shrugging and ruffling his own hair.
"Because it's flexible, it's hard..." Jimin sounded like he had more to say and he had everyone in the room listening, probably the quiet crowds outside as well.
"And Mother Seokjin doesn't like when I put 'em on the dinner table."
That was when it happened. Amongst the boys' laughter there was a small gurgle. It was much like the beginning of a volcanic eruption, a single marshmallow fell at first. They all silenced and turned to stare at the single soggy marshmallow on the ground by Seokjin's feet and then slowly, they lifted their gaze to meet his face. His face was even more contorted as he tried not to laugh, mouth barely closed as another marshmallow fell to the ground. A single 'oh my god' was breathed by Yoongi before they were all on their feet (except Kookie, who was still passed out and probably dreaming about ponies or whatever the youth dream about these days). Had they done it? Had they made Seokjin laugh with dick jokes?
Seokjin was clutching his cheeks, trying to control himself. A few more marshmallows fell before the younger boys realised that the opening of his mouth was too small for more to fall out.
"Guys", Namjoon started slowly, "I think we need at least one more dick joke."
Everyone looked at each other searchingly but nobody had any to give.
"Nah, I'm milked dry", Taehyung giggled before his face straightened out again, "but yeah, I've got nothing."
Namjoon groaned and rubbed the sides of his temple. C'mon, he thought to himself, if you don't come up with a way for Seokjin to laugh with a wide open mouth, you can kiss saving the universe and its marshmallows goodbye.
"You're saying this out loud, by the way", Yoongi's voice was distant.
C'MON NAMJOON, his 'thoughts' grew louder, YOU'RE A MAN AREN'T YOU? MANJOON. His thoughts silenced when he heard a small snore interrupt his self pep talk. His gaze flitted towards the sleeping figure on the ground.
"Oh my god, oh my god, JEONGGUK!" He screamed, he was certain that one more dick joke would flip the switch. Seokjin was starting to calm down. They were running out of time.
Jeongguk hardly grunted and he continued to snore. The other boys seemed to have gained a grip on Namjoon's ideas and gathered around him. Surely, as the youngest of the seven, he had to have many dick jokes, it was his duty.
They all kneeled around him, shaking and hitting any part of his body they could reach. The sound of his face getting slapped repeatedly by Hoseok mixed with choruses of 'JEON JEONGGUK!'s and Seokjin whisking some cake batter in a large pink bowl he pulled out from behind the couch. Finally, Jeongguk shifted onto his side, grumbling something about 'damn hyungs' and 'letting a homie sleep' and 'no chill, no swag' and 'I thought this was a free country. 'Murica'. They weren't in America but okay.
With his eyes still closed he said louder, "what do you guys want?"
"Kookie, we need a dick joke", Namjoon said straight up. Everyone nodded, but Jeongguk couldn't see them through his shut eyes.
Without missing a beat, Jeongguk pursed his lips before asking, "what does a Rubik's Cube have in common with my dick?"
Everyone, including Seokjin (still whisking), waited for the punchline, staring at his body still on the floor. Some snoring sounds escaped from his slightly curled position and stopped with a yelp as Yoongi stepped on his hip.
"Oh right", they had growing suspicions that amongst the previous chaos Jeongguk's eyelids had been glued together, "the longer you play with it, the harder it gets."
That was it, that was all it took. The whisking stopped. Heads turned.
Seokjin was hunched over, his giant cheeks quivering. Eyes widened and palms started to sweat. And, with a ground shaking gurgle, Seokjin's head shot up with his cheeks shaking like Jimin's booty whenever somebody played Nicki Minaj out loud. Before anybody could even yell, his mouth fell open, marhsmallows erupting from his face-hole, the high pressure flow of marshmallows hit Tahyung square in the chest and sent him flying, Hoseok chasing after him.
"HIT THE FLOOR!" Namjoon shrieked and they all fell to the ground, clutching their heads. Nearby, Jeongguk was also lying down but was somehow able to fall asleep again despite the roaring sound of marshmallows shooting out of Seokjin mouth. The oldest's eyes were wide open and his arms flailed like he was Kermit the Frog as the power of the marshmallow laser gun that was his mouth pushed him back, forcing him even further into the couch. The line of fire turned from a very distressed Taehyung to the door and the wood immediately cracked and gave way. The door was basically obliterated and the marshmallows continued to flood the hallways, shouts of joy could be heard from the mobs outside. The marshmallow laser gun's shot grew in intensity as Seokjin's cheeks slowly grew smaller in size. The marshmallows ricocheted off the walls and piled up, broken windows and shattered doors were left as the number marshmallows flooding the hallways grew.
Eventually, streets were flooded with marshmallows. The angry mobs had dissipated into happy ones. Time seemed to stand still as the people celebrated in the streets, swimming around in the marshmallows, having marshmallow fights, eating the marshmallows, making marshmallow angels as well as cooking s'mores. The boys watched the odd sight from their window, save for Jeongguk and Seokjin, who were both lying on the ground, Jeongguk was asleep and Jin groaned quietly with his cheeks at their normal size again. Their apartment was in slight disarray, things were knocked over and broken from the impact of Seokjin's marshmallow bazooka and the odd stray marshmallow rolled around here and there. Their front door was in shatters on the ground, they would have to get someone on that.
Jimin sighed and dusted himself off as if anything had even got on him, "well, all's well that ends well, eh boys?"
"Do you even know what that means?" Yoongi cocked an eyebrow.
"Nope", Jimin replied without hesitation or even looking up.
And with that, they returned to normal life (after scraping Jin and Jeongguk off the floor). Namjoon was back to his usual, intellectual self alongside his wife and valued bro, Seokjin, who was also back to normal (thank all the gods in the heavens) and had normal cheeks as well as an irrational fear of marshmallows. Hoseok and Taehyung were still happily holding hands and nobody knew if they ever let go. Ever. Jimin had returned to his daily routine of Jiminie activities, including pestering Yoongi, who was fine with his usual eat, work, sleep routine, until he paid attention to him. If he was really busy, he might only receive a small 'there's no way Waluigi is better than Luigi, what's wrong with you?' But that was completely fine with Jimin and it still made him smile because it meant Yoongi had been listening all along. And Jeongguk, poor, poor Jeongguk was so traumatised by the event that he bid his friends farewell to travel to Tibet and stayed there to train for several years in order to grow stronger physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. All was well.
And that, my children, is the story of Bangtan and the Sea of Marshmallows.