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Tommy never had a good relationship with sleep. Staying awake long into the night only succumbing to sleep when his body shuts down and makes him. Even when he did fall asleep, in the morning he would feel restless.
It didn’t matter how he felt. His coach- no, he's not his coach anymore. He keeps forgetting that. His old coach reminded him everyday that his feelings did not matter. All that mattered was that he could skate, if he could skate he was fine. If he could skate, he wouldn't be a failure. If he could skate he wasn’t broken . That is all that really mattered. It was all that mattered.
Those days are over now, he's free now. He's sleeping better and he's happy . Even when he wasn’t exactly free from his coach the guys reached out and helped him. So much more than he would ever be willing to ask for. He trusted them, even when it took him so long to trust people, he trusted them. He trusted them enough to fall asleep around them. They gave him that. Then- then that stupid piece of paper. That stupid bet, that stupid bet on that stupid piece of paper that broke his stupid heart. It hurt more than he would ever like to admit. Even when it made him want to curl up in a hole and not come out, he still trusted them. He wanted to go to their rooms and just sleep . How badly he needed sleep.
Those days though, are also over. Techno saved him, he really did. Multiple times, they all saved him. He believed nothing like that would ever happen again. He really did. He was foolish to think so.
He doesn’t understand why they did what they did. Why they felt the need to call him stupid when he was just trying to understand. The only person to ever call him stupid like that was his coach, no not coach , old coach. He's not your coach anymore, stop forgetting that.
Maybe he is stupid, if he couldn’t get it out of his head that he has a new coach and he’s past those times, then maybe, maybe they weren’t wrong.
He knew he should talk to them, to tell them how hurt he actually was. The fear of their answers, their reactions, kept him silent. It always did. He was exhausted staring up at the ceiling in the pitch black, one small inconvenience away from crying. He couldn't sleep, of course he couldn’t sleep. Tommy was useless on his own wasn’t he?
He was rooming alone this time, usually he would go over to one of the guys rooms but he couldn't do that. Tubbo and Ranboo are at a competition so he can do that either. So he's alone, staring up at the ceiling. Mind too active, spiraling too far for him to catch up with. Alone, like he was always truly meant to be.
He knew he would have to face it eventually. Tommy knows they noticed the change, he hasn’t been talking much, the lack of overall energy, and his attempts to hang out with them less and less. Even if he knew what the uneasy quiet meant, even if he knew what they were about to ask, it still made his heart pick up. He was still afraid of what would happen, he's afraid of a lot of things. Disappointing people around him is one of the worst. Worried that one day, he’s going to be too much, too much of a disappointment that they will give up on him. Maybe, they already have.
Breathe, in and out, bottle it up; let it out. Feel your surroundings, the couch against your skin and the socks on your feet. Feel the air entering your lungs, keeping you alive and the blood pumping to your heart. You are okay and you are here. You are human and you will be fine. Breathe in and out and repeat. You are okay.
Out of the corner of his eye he sees Techno moving slightly to face him on the couch. Here it comes, they are going to ask now.
“Tommy, can we ask you something?” He likes Techno's voice, it's comforting, even when he's teetering off the edge into a panic attack, it helps bring him back. He moves from his folded position in the corner of the couch to face Techno. You face someone when speaking to them, Don’t be disrespectful.
“Yeah?” It's quiet, because Tommy needs to be quiet. Tommy needs to be perfect. To not be a disappointment. So, he looks at Techno head on, even if he wants to duck his head and hide away. Away from all his fears, to pretend they do not exist. Still, he keeps his head up. Perfect, like he should be.
“Are you okay? I know that's a loaded question. We are just worried for you.” Techno's right, it is a loaded question. How is he going to explain how they made him feel? How are they going to react? He feels his breath pick up, he needs to calm down. He is still looking at Techno, he wouldn’t dare break eye contact.
In and out, air in his lungs breathed. In and out, repeat.
“Something you guys said had upset me. I'm sorry I took it too seriously.” His voice is steady, tone blank. He wants to cry. His eyes sting, he's embarrassed, and he wants to cry.
He can’t see the others, he's still looking at Techno. It's quiet though, quieter than before. He didn’t know that was possible. That only makes him wanna cry more.
Techno doesn’t speak right away, he doesn’t get a chance too. Sapnap beats him to it. He moves over to squat in front of the couch. Tommy turns to look at him for its the respectful thing to do.
“What did we say to upset you Toms? That was never our intention, I promise you. We would never purposefully do something to hurt you.” Sapnap's voice is not as steady as Techno's, but he can hear the worry pouring off every word. Maybe it was that or the long emotional build up, he doesn't know. He does know that he feels a tear fall and then, they don’t stop.
He tries to keep looking at him, he really tries. It's the respectful thing to do. He just can’t, he ducks his head, desperately trying to wipe his tears. He hates how he looks when he cries, he shouldn’t be crying. He needs to be mature, he needs to be better, he can’t be so broke-
Someone grabs him, holds him close. Cutting off his thoughts, he almost can’t remember what he was thinking about. Almost.
The person holds him tighter, not tight enough to hurt. It's Wilbur, his hugs are distinct. All their hugs are. Someone has their hand in his hair, Its Techno, he felt him move closer when he started to spiral. It's so comforting and he's so tired, he doesn’t want to lose this. He doesn’t know what he would do if he lost this again.
“You called me stupid.” His voice cracks and he shoves his face into Wilbur's sweater. His hands are shaking, they are holding onto the sides of the wool. He's afraid to let go, afraid to look at their faces, he can’t stand to see that. It might break him, more than he already is. He feels like a crack in the ice, a small chip in the endless blue that someone gets stuck on. Causing them to lose their footing and tumble, tumble until their own sense of okay is skewered. Imperfect and constantly getting in the way of others. Infecting them with whatever curse makes him the way he is.
Wilbur doesn’t let go though, and Techno keeps his hand in his hair. Then George speaks up.
“That was never our intention. We never meant to hurt you. It still wasn’t right to call you that in the first place. I'm sorry we hurt you, we all are so sorry Tommy. You are not stupid, you are far from it and I’m sorry we made you think that you were.”
He wasn’t expecting that, deep down he knew that they would understand. They were all so kind and comforting, willing to take his fears, his burdens, on as their own. He didn’t look up, not because he was still scared, no, he was just too tired too. He was too utterly exhausted, too bone tired. Yet, he felt secure and safe.
He was on the brink of awareness and sleep. Where you can still hear the things around you but it feels smothered by cotton. Wilbur was saying something he couldn’t tell what. His voice wavered, like he had been crying. He hoped he didn’t make him cry with his own issues. He didn’t have any more time to dwell on it though, his mind shut down for the first time in days shortly after. Getting the much needed sleep he deserves.
He woke up briefly, felt like he’d been asleep for merely minutes. He had to be longer though, he was in Techno' s room laying on his chest. It was dark outside. Must be late. It didn’t matter, not right now.
What matters is that Tommy's fine. Breathe in and out. Match Techno's own breath. In and out, repeat. Understand that he is real, and that he will be okay. He has people to take care of him. Close your eyes, breathe in and out. Let sleep take you once again and awake better than before. Things like this will happen. It's a part of life, for now though, just know that you are okay. He will be okay, no matter what he thinks of himself. He will be okay.