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It had been a long day for Porsche and he wanted nothing more than to retreat to his room. So he had called it a night and went to bed without even bothering to take a shower. He was tired to the bone from overseeing the bodyguard training session that started early in the morning lasting till late evening with small breaks in between.
“You’re dirtying the sheets with all the dust and sweat” a voice beside him complained. He turned his head to see Kinn crinkling his nose in utter disgust.
“Oh please don’t start. Let me off the hook for one day” Porsche opens his mouth wide in a yawn. He closes his eyes and leans his back against the huge headboard.
“How was your day?” Kinn asks in a low voice. Porsche’s eyes blink open slowly at the feeling of a weight on his stretched out legs. Kinn had moved his head from the soft pillows to Porsche’s warm sweatpants clad thighs.
Looking down at him, his heart filled with the kind of love no one has ever made him feel and no one ever will. He reached his hand to the side table and retrieved a book from the top drawer, Kinn’s journal to be more specific. It was a brown leather encasing the ivory pages adorned with Kinn’s careful handwriting. There were also pictures inserted here and there. Some were of Porsche and some were of them together.
“Which entry should I read today?” Porsche asks more to himself and Kinn just hums in response.
Porsche turns to the page where Kinn had written about their first date. There was also the picture which Kinn liked the most out of all the ones taken that day. It was a polaroid of Porsche grinning at the camera and Kinn kissing his cheek. “I like how happy you look in this” Kinn had told him one day. The entries were short as Kinn couldn’t spare much time to do what he loved.
January 10, 2020
Porsche and I went on a date today on Porsche’s insistence. We sneaked out of the main house without any other bodyguards and went to the café that Porsche looked up on Google. This was his very first date and he was very excited planning out everything to the smallest of details. I could too tell that it’s my first but then that would be a blatant lie. I have gone on several dates with Tawan back when we were in a relationship but none of them could even come close to the one I had gone with Porsche. When the day ended he was upset that he messed up the date but I hope he believed it when I said it was the best day of my life.
“I do believe that you had fun that day” Porsche says and Kinn snuggles in more. Porsche turns to random entries and while turning the pages he takes a moment to relive the moments in the pictures.
January 20, 2020
Tawan’s drama is finally over and Porsche is back here in my arms. Locking him up was the hardest thing I had to do. I had hoped that he would understand that I did for the sole reason of protecting him but he thought that I believed Tawan over him and ended up trusting the person who was at the root of all this mess. I couldn’t really blame him for that. How can I when our relationship lacked basic communication and we held back important details from each other. We should probably work on it.
“You have no idea how hurt I was that day. You broke my heart” Porsche says with a fake sadness.
“I’m so sorry” Kinn mumbles sleepily, hugging Porsche’s legs.
March 4, 2020
Things were going too well to be true and now it has started to crumble down brick by brick. The skeletons in my father’s closet are turning up one by one and I’m scared that it’s not even the whole of it. Porsche has been distant lately and I don’t know why. I didn’t want to push him into telling me so to make him feel better I took him to visit the grave of his parents. Later that night we made love but something about it didn’t feel right. There was a sadness in the way we moved and in the way Porsche held on to me. Though I won’t say it out loud I’m scared.”
“I didn’t want to hold those things back from you. But I was so confused and I didn’t know who to trust” Porsche says honestly.
“You had your reasons. If I was in your shoes, with the way I looked up to my father and was loyal to the family, I wouldn’t have trusted me too” Kinn gives Porsche’s thigh a reassuring squeeze.
September 16, 2021
Almost a year of being together and this is our first trip. Always having a hard life growing up, Porsche never had the opportunity to travel outside of Bangkok. So after everything was settled down with the families I took him to Phuket where our family owned resorts. I wanted to take him somewhere outside Thailand but managing to get these few days is a miracle in itself. Porsche glowed in a beautiful shade of gold under the cloudless blue sky and I couldn’t take my eyes of off him even for a second.
“Wow you’re so cheesy” Porsche gags at the man on his lap.
“Well one of us has to be romantic to keep this going” Kinn says, swatting him gently. Porsche skips several pages to read one of the shortest entries in the journal, which is more of a random confession than an entry.. At the sound of rustling Kinn groans, “Not again”.
December 20, 2022
I am madly, deeply, unconditionally in love with Porsche. Back then I wondered if I would ever be able to get over Tawan and I did. But now with Porsche I know that I never will and losing him will kill me.
“What about me?” Porsche asks. “Do you think I will be fine with losing you?” Porsche’s voice is thick. Kinn doesn’t respond and Porsche doesn’t wait for it.
October 15, 2023
That’s it. I’ve finally decided to grow some balls and ask Porsche to marry me. I want to spend the rest of my life waking up next to him and grow old together. Everything is ready and I even have my speech prepared. Since I’m not good with these things Kim helped me out saying that Porsche will run for his life if I go with the one I wrote. That brat. Everyone was excited and it was a surprise that Porsche didn’t catch the air of it yet. Chay even helped me pick the ring and offered to sing at the wedding saying that he had gotten better at it under Kim’s training. The ring is a simple golden band with the words “I will always stay by your side” engraved on the inside. I’m so nervous. I hope it all goes well.
Porsche doesn’t bother to turn the page knowing that this was the last entry and Kinn hadn’t written anything else after that in three years and probably never will. Instead he picks up and opens the letter of the speech, his fingers ghosting over the words he never got to hear. The thing that Kinn had wished would go well didn’t go well at all.
The day after that diary entry they were out on a mission. An unexpected shootout had broken out killing many people on both sides. Porsche was distracted shooting someone else not noticing the gun aimed at him. Just when the trigger was pulled Kinn jumped in taking the bullet not meant for him. The small metal tore into his back and through his chest, knocking him to the ground instantly. Porsche held him in his arms, talking to him, trying to keep him in a lucid state. When they arrived back at the compound Kinn was immediately taken in for surgery. After pacing back and forth for an agonizing hour , the doctor finally came out. Everyone surrounded him wanting to know the condition.
“I’m sorry, we tried our best,” he said. He continued talking but Porsche couldn’t hear anything more. His legs gave out and he sank to the floor leaning against the wall for support. Someone placed their hand on Porsche’s shoulder and he didn’t even register who it was. Everything around him went silent and there was a buzzing in his ears.
On the day of the funeral it was pouring like the heavens were grieving on Porsche’s behalf. He didn’t talk to anyone and just stood there quietly, eyes dry. As soon as it was over he went back and locked himself in the room. Out of habit he kept waiting for Kinn to come back from one of his meetings but he never did. Their room felt dead cold to him.
He never went outside or touched the food that was sent to him. So Chay, Khun and Pete took turns going to his room to make him eat, which was usually just a few bites. On a rare occasion Kim came to see him and broke it to him of how Kinn was planning to propose on that very day. “You deserve to know”, Kim said gently before leaving. When he was alone again he got up from the bed and turned the room upside down in search of the ring. He finally found it safely hidden in one of the drawers. On seeing the ring inside the tiny box made a gut wrenching sob break out of him and he sat there crying for hours holding the box close to his heart.
Porsche started going back to his normal life one day at a time knowing that it was what Kinn would want. He wasn’t going to let his sacrifice go in vain. Porsche didn’t want to take up the role that Kinn left behind so Kim did. Chay had told him to get away for a few days. Everywhere Porsche turned he could see him and Kinn having a moment. As much as Porsche wanted to leave that house once and for all he didn’t . The building was filled with their memories and it was the only place where he could feel close to Kinn. So he stayed.
When he was searching for something else in Kinn’s office he came across the journal. Porsche never knew that Kinn maintained one and has never seen him write in one. He opened it to be met with Kinn’s thoughts on Porsche. The diary was an ode to their relationship and the love they shared. On days when Porsche felt himself slipping away the words kept him grounded.
Though it’s been two years, Porsche read and re-read the diary several times, finding traces of Kinn in it. Through the years Porsche grew older and there were little changes in his features but Kinn looked the same, frozen in time forever. He looked down at his empty lap, the ring feeling heavy on his finger, his heart ached for all he had to lose and will never find again. He gripped the letter tightly as a lone tear fell on the paper. The pain of it never faded and Porsche learned to live with it accepting it as a part of him.
잠시만 눈을 감으면니
When I close my eyes
모습이 보이고 모든 게 변해가도
I see you and even though everything changed
너만은 항상 같은 자리에서
You’re always at the same place, looking the same