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Andrew is backstage, waiting for his cue to come in. He can hear the host of the talk show gushing over a couple of kids who apparently can sing and play the banjo at the same time. He smirks and tries not to be nervous. After such a long time, one simple interview should be a piece of cake. He tries to smother his hair a little bit, but gets the stink eye from a make-up girl who’s passing by, clutching a clipboard, so he stops.
His phone vibrates in his pocket and he smiles softly before unlocking it, knowing that only one person would text him so shortly before his interview.
Good luck, fancypants. J.
Suddenly feeling ten pounds lighter, he smiles, hurriedly taps out a response and pockets his phone. He barely has time to compose himself and pull on his public-facing smirk before he is being called.
“And next… Teen throb sensation and Academy Award nominee actor Andrew Garfield!” and with that, someone pushes aside the curtain and he’s blinded by the lights and the cheering of the audience. He smiles his red carpet smile and tries not to strut to where an amicable-looking woman is grinning at him and he thinks, for a second, that her smile is a bit strained, but it’s the end of the show and he figures she’s just tired.
She motions for him to sit down and he obeys. They exchange greetings and pleasant smiles and he turns slightly around to flash a grin at the crowd.
“Well, Andrew. You were here a few years ago, promoting The Amazing Spiderman, if I remember correctly” she says with a nice and open tone. He nods, waiting for her to go on. “That time you came with your then girlfriend Emma Stone, but today we have you all to ourselves!” her cheering tone doesn’t hide the glimmer of her eyes and he feels his smile freeze, the audience chirping obliviously as a background.
“Yeah, the press for the film was exhausting at the time. It’s always great to do interviews and have people interested in the movie and everything, but it can get tiring.” Andrew tries to sound calm, wishing that this isn’t going to turn into one of those interviews. The host is smirking at him, as if she knows exactly what he’s thinking.
“Of course, of course. So, you’re here to promote your new film, Boundaries Lost, a story about a boy struggling to come to terms with his illness, after he’s being diagnosed with Huntington’s Disease. How was it, playing such an emotionally strained character?” she has gone back to that patronizing tone interviewers tend to adopt when they ask you the necessary question you’ve already answered a million times. Andrew sighs, relieved, and plasters a smile on his face before answering.
“Xander, Alexander the character I play, is a very complex character and getting inside his head was… difficult and exhausting, and exhilarating.” he pauses for a second “but it was worth it. Every single take required just a little bit more of me and as draining as it was, it was utterly amazing.” He finishes with another smile and distractedly thinks about Jesse watching the show back home, sprawled on the sofa and in his pajamas, in front of that tv he bought after finding himself bored whenever he spent time at the apartment without Jesse.
“So it’s very different from other characters you’ve played. It’s very different to be in a hospital gown than in a Spiderman suit!” the audience laughs and he smiles a little, a bit tired of the reference, but willing to go along with it. “But, well, now, onto what everyone wants to know right now” and the glimmer is back there. Andrew sinks a little in his seat.
She motions to the screen, where a few blurred pictures of Jesse and him moving boxes out of a rental truck are shown. He looks… well, Jesse would call him a dirty hipster, in his tight torn jeans and plaid shirt. He could certainly have used a shower or, at least, a hair brush. Jesse, on the other hand, helping him lift boxes, in old jeans and a gray t-shirt, looks as good as always. Andrew’s pretty sure someone told the show personal questions would not be taken well. The host, disregarding his expression, turns to him.
“So. For everyone who has been living under a rock for this past few years, Andrew came out as bisexual three years ago and a few weeks later pictures of him and Jesse Eisenberg, his costar in The Social Network, started to creep out. After that, they released a joint statement confirming their relationship. Now, tell us, Andrew, is it true that you’ve finally decided that you like this side of the pond much more? Are you and Jesse finally living together?” Andrew blinks at her a couple of times and considers not answering. He smothers his hands down his legs and tries to come with a neutral-sounding answer that will keep everyone around happy. He thinks he fails.
“New York is a very nice city and I have a ton of press to do here for the film, so for the time being, yes, I am a full-time resident of the lovely States.” The audience laughs, charmed by his Britishness. The host, whose name he should really know by now (Britney? Brittany?) is not deterred by his bland answer and goes on:
“But you and Jesse” Andrew’s eyes flare for a bit and he wonders where on earth has she gotten the idea that she could use Jesse’s name “are you living together?” Andrew narrows his eyes but decides on answering, remembering his agent saying that you never, never, ever leave a question unanswered, even if what you say it’s not the answer they want.
“We lived together during the shooting of The Social Network and I’ve been staying with him whenever I am in New York. He’s got a lovely flat, with a nice view and he doesn’t mind me stealing all the couch” the audience laughs again and he winks at them, trying to keep the scowl he wants to throw at the host at bay “During the shooting of Boundaries he helped me run lines that I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember. Alexander is really smart so he dashes off and goes on and on about something and it’s difficult, sometimes, to keep up with his train of thought and… “
“So a bit like Mark Zuckerberg, then, the character Jesse played in The Social Network?” the hosts interrupts (not very smoothly) and at his wince smiles like she has won a trophy or something.
“A bit, yes, you could say that, even though Alexander’s brilliantness is quite different from what Mark had going on. He is fascinating in the way he deals with… ”
“Jesse was universally acclaimed for that role. He was really good, don’t you think?” she smiles like the cat who ate the canary and managed to blame it on the dog. Andrew returns it, but it’s as cold as her heart.
“He received an Oscar nomination for it and yes, he was brilliant, but then again, he always is.” the crowd coos and he smiles at them, a bit more relaxed.
The host doesn’t give up. He wonders idly when his time is coming up and looks around for the guy with the white board. He doesn’t find him, but he sees a couple of perplexed faces and the director glaring daggers at Blondie.
She smiles and extends her hand, patting his arm. He refrains from outwardly wincing and tries not to pull away, but he thinks the sourness of his expression is quite clear.
“I’m sure everyone tells you this, but you two together are awfully cute together. It must be hard, though, to carry on the long distance relationship, right?” Andrew presses his lips together and wonders how disastrous it would be if he upped and walked out right then.
“I bounce back from the States to England pretty much all the time... When I’m here, I miss my family and friends and when I’m there, I miss my other friends and Jesse.” his hands are shaking and he’s mumbling his answer through clenched teeth. “But it’s so hectic normally that I barely have time to collect my thoughts. Specially during the filming. I remember that during some of the scenes that had to be shot in Argentina I was feeling homesick all the time. But, you know, I do own a mobile phone and a computer and we’re living in this day and age, so it’s not like I never get to talk to them” the audience coos again at him and he feels lost. It’s not that he has a problem talking about his and Jesse’s relationship, it’s just that he feels it’s not for them to know. It’s theirs and it should remain that way.
“Yes, thank god for Skype, right?” she cracks lightly. He lets out a small, stiff laugh and nods. He sees someone brandishing the infamous white board he’s been hoping for since this began and the host trying to ignore it until someone, who Andrew presumes it’s the director, takes it and waves it just behind the camera.
Blondie’s smile gets a little bit more tight around the edges and turns to Andrew.
“Andrew, it’s been an utter pleasure having you here tonight.” you bet, Andrew thinks sourly “People, give Andrew Garfield a clap! Boundaries Lost opens next weekend in all theaters!” as he’s walking off the stage, he waves a little bit at the girls screaming his name and wanders to where his publicist is leaning against the wall, with an angry expression on his face.
Someone comes and removes the microphone from his shirt and he pawns at his phone, expecting a text from Jesse along the lines of Your hair looked ridiculous or I have embraced plain shirts, why can’t you? or even a Love you, Chinese tonight? but there is nothing. He frowns and wonders if maybe someone called him and held him up.
He looks up and sees his publicist’s face go through a series of emotions. He’s a pretty okay dude, and has been with Andrew for a few years now.
“You dealt with that well. We’ll have a talk with the producers about the personal questions. Are you okay?” Chris doesn’t even wait for him to answer. He looks uncomfortable but continues anyway “Look, I know I was pretty shitty to you when you wanted to come out, but you know that you can come to me, right? You can release a breakup statement if you have to.” He fixes him with a pointed stare.
“Wh-What? Why would I need to do that?” Andrew stutters. Chris sighs and gestures for an approaching girl with a clipboard to go away.
“I noticed how uncomfortable you looked there, Andrew. If there is something wrong with you and Jesse” and he pauses before saying the name, never fully accepting that their relationship is serious and here to stay. Andrew would frown at him if he weren’t so confused “you can say it. No one will judge you, heterosexual couples break up all the time…”
Andrew shakes his head and flails his hands around
“But Jesse and I are still together! Gosh, we just moved in together! That’s ridiculous, you know it.” He sputters. Chris stares at him for a little bit longer and just nods, curtly.
“Fair enough. If you say so. But you know, if there is anything, anything, you come to me, alright?” Andrew manages to nod at his serious tone, still baffled. Someone from the production crew comes over to talk to Chris and Andrew is shepherded to a dressing room, where he gets ready to leave.
There is a car that will take him back home (to Jesse, despite what they seem to believe) and he rushes to it, taking his phone out and tapping a text.
home in a few. i can stop by the store if we need anything. love, A.
Jesse answers in a few minutes, like he had to think it through.
No. See you.
Andrew frowns as he reads the curt response, but shrugs it off as nothing. He’ll ask Jesse if everything is okay when he arrives home.
A few minutes later, when he opens the door of their flat, he is met by one of the new tabbies, the one who looks a bit like Garfield and it’s been the bane of Andrew’s existence for the past few weeks. He sidesteps him and the cat glares at him, which he gladly returns. He drops the keys and shrugs off his jacket, looking around the living room for signs of Jesse.
“Jess! I’m home!” he calls and hears shuffling in the kitchen, where Jesse is, apparently, making tea, back turned to him. Andrew approaches and worms his arms around his waist, the tips of his fingers just underneath Jesse’s worn t-shirt. Jesse avoids his eyes, but accepts his soft kiss.
“Hi”
“Hi, love. Were you watching the show?” Andrew asks and Jesse fidgets nervously. He pours two mugs of tea, one with sugar and one with milk and glances sidelong at his boyfriend. He licks his lips and tilts his head before answering.
“Yeah, yes… I’ve seen it.” And his eyes narrow a little before reluctantly smiling at Andrew. Andrew beams at him and starts blabbering about the interviewer and about the crazy things Chris was telling him.
“… And it’s ridiculous, don’t you think? I know he doesn’t really like us, but to suggest that we are not together anymore! He is too stressed, too many clients sleeping with married people to cover up… He’s gone round the bend, he has!” but he sees Jesse’s expression and his smile suddenly turns cold. Jesse takes the two mugs and clutches them against his chest, like a protective shield. Andrew gazes wonderingly at him.
“Actually, I think we need to, we need to talk, Andrew” Jesse says stiltedly. He leads the way to the living room, where the tv is still on, but muted. He sees a blanket and another of the cats sleeping in the couch. They sit down and Andrew wordlessly takes his mug from Jesse’s fingers. “I saw the interview.” and he jerks his head towards the tv, as if to prove it. Andrew nods quietly, suddenly very aware of what Chris had been suggesting. “Is there… Is there anything you need to talk to me about?” He seems scared of the answer, and maybe even the question.
“Um, no?” Andrew answers.
“Are you sure? Christopher is right, after all. You know, I… I won’t be happy but I want you to be happy and if that means you don’t… anymore, it’s okay. We’ll be okay, if you don’t, we’ll be friends. I can deal with friends. Or not. If you don’t want to. Maybe it was too soon, living together. I thought it may have been too soon, but it felt so… right” Jesse says, in turns wiping his hands on his trousers and holding his cup of tea. Andrew frowns, confused.
“Jess, what are you talking about? Of course it wasn’t too soon. Wait. Do you think it was? Do you regret it?” the trepidation is clear in his tone and he doesn’t want Jesse to say yes (he doesn’t think he will).
“Me? No, no, no. But… Are you okay with this? It’s okay, I understand. I thought that we may… but it’s okay.” and now he isn’t even looking at Andrew in the eye. Andrew is more confused than ever.
“What brought this all about? I love you, I don’t want to move out.”
Jesse stares at him incredulously. He half smirks, even though his eyes are sad. Andrew wants to envelope him in a hug and never let him go. Half an hour ago he thought they could spend all the evening cuddling and bitching about the meddling interviewer, and now he’s faced with a grim Jesse who is insecure about the only thing Andrew knows for certain: that he loves him. He tells him so, but Jesse keeps his eyes trained on the muted tv, not meeting Andrew’s gaze.
“It’s just… The interview. You were so awkward when she asked about me, us. I’m not foreign to being uncomfortable about my privacy and personal life, but Andrew, that didn’t look like being private. It looked like you were, un, unhappy with us. And if there’s one thing I don’t want, is to make you unhappy. I love you.” he says with a small voice and Andrew’s heart breaks.
“You make me happy, Jess, babe. You’re the only thing that makes me happy.” and Andrew is close to begging, so close, and isn’t even ashamed to admit so. He’ll beg if he needs to, to keep Jesse in his life. Jesse looks so sad.
“I, I think we both need some time. To think about it. I think it will be for the best.” And he jerks his head slowly, as if trying to convince himself. He stands up and makes a move to head to the bedroom. Before that, he looks at Andrew again and says “I should… I think I’ll go stay with Justin for a while. Just, while, you know, while you think about it. I’ll get out of your hair now” And his eyes are watering, Andrew can see that, through his own tearful eyes. He doesn’t understand. Jesse touches his cheek with just two fingers, a secret caress and with that Andrew starts to cry.
“Please, don’t leave. Please…” but Jesse just cast aside his glance and goes into the bedroom. And Andrew just stays there, wondering where everything went wrong. Not just an hour ago he was ready to spend the evening curled in the sofa with his boyfriend and sharing a laugh over one silly interview and now he is sitting here, alone, while Jesse is packing a duffel bag to spend the night at Justin Bartha’s.
---
He tries not to panic and give Jesse some space. After two hours, he does start to panic and he calls Emma, frantic.
“What even happened, Emma? I don’t get it. I… What did I do?” he moans into the phone, tightly clutched in his hand. Emma, on the other side, sighs. After they broke up, Andrew confessed to her that he was in love with Jesse, and Emma gave him a sigh much like the one she just uttered, as if he was being exasperating and she knew all that was going on before he did, and told him to nut up and take both him and Jesse out of their miseries. Andrew kinda loved her for that.
“Andrew… I saw the thing. You weren’t your most sparkly self and whenever she mentioned Jesse your face turned all weird.” Andrew tries to protest but she hushes him and keeps talking. “And you know how Jesse is. He’s always gushing about your awesomeness and how he can’t really believe that you two are together, even when I think that you’re the one that should be grateful and surprised.” Her tone is authoritative and serious, her voice the same raspy thing as usual. Andrew can’t help but agree with her.
“But I… I didn’t mean to do that! I just, she was asking and being really nosy, and I wanted to talk about the movie and not us. We are not theirs! They shouldn’t be asking about that.” Andrew’s voice gets muffled and small at the end. Emma softens, if her sadsigh is anything to go by.
“I know, dear, but they will.” she says “I think you need to talk to Jesse, pronto” and in her “nut-up-or-shut-up” voice, too, which means Andrew really needs to do something soon.
“I will”
---
Jesse is not answering his phone. Andrew has to retort to extreme measures, like calling Justin Bartha’s phone, because Jesse’s already spent a night outside their apartment and Andrew feels like shit.
He answers after a few rings.
“Hey, Justin, I’m… “
“Andrew Garfield, I know” he says in an undecipherable tone. They’ve never been friends, but they’re polite enough to each other.
“I need to… Could you… I’ve been trying to get in touch with Jesse.” And even though his voice breaks a few times, he manages something coherent by the end.
“And he’s not answering his phone, I know.”
Andrew waits, just in case he’s volunteering something else, but Justin remains silent.
“Could you maybe hand him the phone?”
There’s a beat of silence.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Andrew. You should just wait until he wants to talk to you.” he pauses and waits, but he can only hear the sound of Andrew’s hard breathing. “He will call you soon.” And hangs up.
Andrew is left waiting for something to happen, with only his phone and a growing sense of despair.
---
After another day of not hearing anything from Jesse, Andrew resolves to go to Justin’s place. It takes a bit of help from Emma and his agent but he finally, finally, gets the address.
On his way there he stops at a Starbucks and buys Jesse a latte and some cookies, something he does whenever he passes by one. Usually, by the time it gets to Jesse, it’s already cold and he’s eaten half the cookies, but Jesse always appreciates it anyway.
He hopes today won’t be any different.
Justin lives in one of those unsuspecting buildings that you pass by everyday without a second glance. In the inside it’s quite elegant, albeit slightly old and with a dusty feeling. He goes up to the third floor, clutching the tiny piece of paper with the address he got this morning through his agent (who didn’t want to know why in the seven hells he would need that). Justin’s door is… red? it doesn’t have a doorbell and the mail is piling up outside, in a tiny stack. Andrew hopes to heaven and back he’s not moved in the past week.
Five minutes later and after knocking non-stop for three, he gives up.
“Well… I guess there’s no one home?” he says softly against the wood “Jesse… If you’re there, please, please open the door”. He says, knocking a final time. There is no response, but he thinks he hears a soft, muffled sound, like feet against a rug. “I… Jess, please”. There is another sound, but nothing happens. Andrew feels his eyes watering and rests his forehead against the wood, bracing himself to leave without having accomplished anything.
But suddenly there is nothing against his forehead and he stumbles into somebody’s chest. Justin Bartha’s chest, to be precise.
Andrew scrambles back up and starts stammering apologies, but the other man brushes them aside.
“Jesse is in the bedroom and he doesn’t want to see you, but you sounded so miserable I couldn’t bring myself to do this to you.” he’s saying in a neutral tone, one Andrew has now become used to. He gestures to the bedroom door, where Jesse is peeking out and glaring at Justin, who doesn’t look apologetic at all. He shrugs and glances back and Andrew and then again at Jesse. “I’ll just go grab a coffee and leave you two kids alone.” and with that he’s gone, leaving Andrew still gaping at the door and Jesse clutching the bedroom handle like a sword.
And then they’re staring at each other.
“Jess, please… Can we talk about this?” blurts Andrew before he can help himself. Jesse looks positively scared, as if he wants nothing more than to turn around and hide in what is possibly Justin’s room forever. But he nods and Andrew takes that as the first victory.
They go to the kitchen, because Justin’s sofa is covered in scripts, half-eaten boxes of pizza and ice-cream, which Andrew really doesn’t want to ask about. Jesse props himself up against the counter and Andrew sits down on a chair, respecting the distance the other boy is trying to put between them.
“I… What… Jess… I don’t understand what happened” he manages in the end. Jesse’s eyes cloud and he ducks his head “No, wait! I mean, I saw the interview. I know I was a bit off when she talked about you, but it wasn’t because I want to break up or something like that!” he says quickly, and Jesse is staring at him with sad eyes and Andrew just feels like a kid about to throw a tantrum because this is not what he wanted “Jess, please, you have to believe me. I didn’t mean to sound like that.” he says with a watery glance. Jesse’s face finally softens, but he doesn’t look any less sad.
“Andrew…” he starts, but seems to rethink what he was about to say. He remains silent, biting his lower lip. Andrew feels like breaking something or crying for hours.
“Jess, this can’t be only about that stupid interview. Is there… I mean, this can’t only be about that. I would have understood you getting mad and we could have talked it over but this isn’t just about that, is it?” now he’s the one who’s sad, because if Jesse has been feeling like this, like running, for a while, he won’t be able to stop him. He won’t be the one who stops him.
Jesse clears his throat and sits down in a chair opposite Andrew.
“I, well, there is, I have been thinking” his voice is shaking and Andrew closes his eyes because nothing good ever comes out of that. Jesse’s going to break up with him and he can’t imagine his life without him and he’s built everything around this curly-haired boy and now he’ll lose him because he’s a jerk and he’ll never be good enough and he should have known and nothing good can ever happen to him and “I just want… You should know that what we did isn’t, is not, it doesn’t mean, it isn’t definitive” Andrew stares at him, confused.
“What…? What do you mean?”
“Just because we came out together, we, we don’t have to stay forever, we never said forever, and I’d understand and I don’t want to hold you back, you should never be held up, and I’m holding you back” Jesse is rambling and Andrew can barely understand him but he understands one thing, and that is that he loves loves loves with everything inside.
“But I want forever! I’ve never wanted anything more, more intensely, in my life, but forever with you!” he grabs Jesse’s hands, untangling them and holding between his own. He stares until Jesse meets his eyes and tries to convey the earnestness he’s feeling “Jess, babe, sweetheart, you are my forever, please, you have to know that” he sees now that Jesse is also sobbing and it breaks his heart.
“It’s just… It’s not fair. I keep you in the States and I know you miss England, I know it’s difficult being with me, with the insecurities and the problems. People aren’t always nice and you are so talented you should never, ever be held up” somewhere amongst his ramblings, Andrew has started to smile at Jesse, which shuts the boy up. Andrew stands up and goes to kneel in front of Jesse, his hands braced on his knees. He kisses Jesse’s thigh before talking and smiles softly at the way his boyfriend’s eyes darken a little.
“Jess, darling, that was my choice. I chose to stay in the States I chose to deal with the people and the crap they give us. And I chose to be with you, because you’re the only one who can ever make me happy. I don’t want anything else and I love you because of your insecurities. You are the most precious thing to me” he murmurs against Jesse’s leg, his chin propped on the top of his kneecap and his hands curled around his worn jeans. After a beat of silence, Jesse buries his hands in Andrew’s hair and he sighs in contentment. They’ll have to work through that, Andrew knows it’s not the end, but hopefully they can do it together. And Andrew, Andrew dares himself hope.
Because they’re going to be okay.