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Chapter Text

    The news was fairly normal. Tragedy here, natural disaster there, stocks were down- wait. Vlad narrowed his eyes at the newspaper in his hands, then confirmed it on the computer. Stocks fluctuated constantly, but a 3-point drop in one weekend? 

    He pressed a button on his landline. "Leslie? Can you get me the Finance and PR departments on the line, please?"

    Best Billionaire. Seriously? "Yes sir, it's a US-based contest. Wayne Enterprises is in the lead, followed by Stark Industries, Dalv Co., and LexCorp."

    "And what did Wayne and Stark do to get ahead?" He asked.

    "Benefits, sir. Wayne lowered employee costs and doubled benefits, while SI kept the same packages but decreased their waiting period."

    "Hmm. Get with Benefits, both of you. By Wednesday, I want an in-depth cost analysis of waving the waiting period until 30 days after training," the PR person choked on something, "and let's see what we can do for increasing benefits."

    "Yes sir." 

    "With all due respect Mr. Masters, why even consider it? That's a good chunk of the bottom line."

    He tapped the newspaper idly for a moment. "Our stocks have dropped, not because they've innovated new products or changed prices, but because they look like they care. If we don't get ahead of this now, it'll look like we're playing catch-up, and could cause further losses. Best play along, for now, we can afford it."

    "Understood."

    He made the announcement Thursday morning, effective immediately. Next day, stocks were normal. Next week, up by 5 points. 

    All was back to normal. 

    -

    He got the call at 3 AM, and vowed to murder someone if it weren't serious. "Yes?"

    "Stocks are down 25 points, people are talking about selling shares," his PR person snapped. 

    Vlad was entirely awake now. "What happened?"

    "SI. All employees are now making a living wage, and employees making over that have been given $2/hr raises. Wayne matched them."

    "Peanut brittle. And LexCorp?"

    "Nothing yet, but they've been going down since the benefits change."

    "Match them. Match them, and double tuition reimbursement. How popular is the daycare reimbursement?"

    "Nobody's mentioned it, but both companies have it."

    "50% reimbursement. Make the announcement, make it big, rent out ad space on every social media site you can, get billboards, whatever you have to do. Don't worry about the budget for this."

    "Yes sir."

    It was 4:30 when he walked into the building. "Where are we?" He called to the team in the conference room.

    "10 points shy of normal, most aren't awake yet."

    "Shareholders?"

    "They've asked for a meeting next month, might push it up depending on how this goes."

    "Good. Keep me posted. This works out, you're all looking at a very nice year-end bonus."

    "Will do!"

    A few hours later, stocks had returned to normal. He gave himself a little pay cut to make sure the shareholders got their pound of flesh, irritated though he knew he'd never notice the sting. 

    By that evening, stocks were increasing again, and the expo next week would showcase several dozen new clean energy vehicle designs. 

    -

    As predicted, stocks went through the roof; finally, some success! Daniel, the little rat, didn't agree. "So, heard you're falling behind! Wayne and SI a bit too big for you?"

    He barely kept himself from firing an ectoblast. They were in human forms, in a rare (somewhat) peaceable moment. A moment that he intended to pursue with lovely Maddie- before Jack lumbered back in. 

    "Vladdie! Those are some cool cars, man!"

    "Thank you, Jack. Tell me, Maddie, how-"

    He was interrupted once again, this time by Maddie knocking a glass of very hot coffee on his lap. "Oh, I'm so sorry!"

    "It's fine," he said with gritted teeth. 

    "You know, Vladdie," Danny said once they headed to the GAV. Ancients, he hated that nickname! Curse Jack for letting it slip near impressionable children. "I know a certain lady who'd be very impressed if you managed to help with the environment."

    Oh. Oh, this was a trap, he knew it! But... Maddie...

    Ah hell, he needed to one-up Wayne and SI somehow. 

    "I'll take it into consideration."

    -

    "Today, on the heels of Dalv Co, Wayne Enterprises, and SI," ha! He was first! "LexCorp finally decided to get in the game and offers 50% tuition reimbursement. Do you think that puts Luthor in the running for Best Billionaire, Tom?"

    "Thanks, Aaliyah! Most people are thinking it's ridiculous, a tactic to bump stocks and approval ratings," Vlad snorted. As if they weren't all doing that. "But SI is upping the stakes! In addition to the September Foundation, Tony Stark has vowed 2% of profits will go to 3rd world countries."

    He raised an eyebrow. Interesting. Vlad picked up the phone. "Get me Sasha in Accounting and Red in Payroll."

    "How would we fare if we matched Stark's donations, thrice over? 5% for the environment, and- what's a charity you like? Sure, 1% to that. Sasha, you can go. Please remember the department meeting Tuesday. We're doing something new."

    -

    Aaliyah was speaking on the news again. "DalvCo stocks are at a record high this week! Many are flocking to the conglomerate as they are choosing to benefit US environmental and health concerns. SI critics argue that 2% abroad doesn't match 6% in the states. That's 5% to environmental concerns, 1% is going to Flint, Michigan, and 1% to homeless shelters across the US."

    He toasted the hijabi-wearing woman on the screen. "Have a lovely day, Ms. Aaliyah. You've certainly made mine."

    Before he could turn off the TV, the other anchor spoke. "That's not all, Aaliyah! Wayne Enterprises has gotten permission from the FDA to synthesize insulin! They'll be selling for $20 per bottle, making it possible for the quality of life to increase for millions, at home and abroad."

    "You're right, Tom!" Aaliyah's bubbly voice rang out, "Insulin can cost Americans anywhere from $800-2500 per month due to high markups. By selling with such a small profit margin, they are massively undercutting Big Pharma."

    "Traitor," he mumbled. "What to do about this?"

    -

    "What are we doing about this?" Red demanded, striding into his office. "We have dozens of patents for medical technologies, but we're locked into contracts."

    "What about the artificial organs?" He asked. He planned on cloning Maddie, and started with small things. Skin grafts. Organs. Over the past 10 years, they've been highly successful. 

    "We can't exactly sell those outside of a hospital."

    He nodded, then froze. "Red, what if we didn't? We could announce our prices, make the people drive it down."

    "Nobody's going to haggle on an organ," they said, but he could hear the uncertainty. 

    "On a heart, a pancreas, a lung? Of course not! But on a kidney, liver, skin grafts? There's some time. Besides, combine it with the price listings for the dialysis machines and ventilators, and you'll have a country so angry at the healthcare and insurance industries, they won't care about anything sketchy we do for years."

    They nodded, albeit nervously. "Sure."

    -

    "Thank you for agreeing to join us on air, Mr. Masters."

    "Please, just call me Vlad. It's a pleasure to be here."

    Sam hadn't stopped cackling since the price lists went out, and Facebook and Twitter went insane. Frankly, Danny was worried for her. Tucker just rolled his eyes and turned the TV up. "Take down the bourgeoisie!"

    "Doesn't that mean taking down Vlad?" Jazz asked, sitting down on the floor of Sam's bedroom. 

    "Are you complaining?"

    "No, but I like him a lot more all the way in New York."

    "Fair."

    "So Vlad," Harriet asked- a favor for something in Wisconsin. He wasn't clear, she didn't press. As long as he didn't go crazy like the Fentons, she had the interview that would bring her back to the big leagues. "Tell me, what inspired you to release those prices?"

    "The news, actually. Everyone seemed so surprised by the markup on insulin. I suppose if you spend enough time in an industry, you become desensitized."

    "Did you know it would cause rioting?"

    Vlad raised an eyebrow- careful, it said- and replied smoothly, "I wasn't surprised when it did. As anyone from the affected companies can tell you, I've been trying to lower prices for years. I have a profit margin that covers the organ growing, transport, and faulty organs, but even if they only charged 10% above that, we're talking thousands of dollars per organ they'd be losing."

    "Are these FDA approved?"

    "Yes. In fact, we started producing them a decade ago, and they're far safer than an organ donated by someone else."

    "And how does that work?" She asked, and he nodded, pleased to be back in safer topics. 

    "For one, the rejection risk is lowered from upwards of 60% down to just 3%, 1% with the anti-rejection medicines required for all traditional transplants, because they're made with the owner's DNA. These medications, by the way, frequently cause cancer or other unintended harm. For another, a traditional transplant requires two people to be cut open; a donor who may or may not be dead, and the one receiving the organ. That confers certain risks of..."

    -

    "Are you seeing this?" Pepper demanded, turning up the TV. 

    "What? I'm working on-"

    "Sir, you may want to see this," JARVIS insisted. 

    Tony popped a blueberry in his mouth and looked up. "Wait, he's been cloning people?!"

    "That's what you're focused on? Tony, Wayne Enterprises releases dirt cheap insulin, DalvCo and Vlad Masters are overthrowing the US healthcare system, and we're still getting flack for donating abroad instead of locally!"

    "We can't do much about that. Maybe release a new phone?"

    "A new phone?! They are improving or saving lives out there! A new phone will have us laughed out into bankruptcy. What about the hearing aids you made for Clint, that new screen reader for Daredevil, or the prosthetic arms, or the braces- any of that?"

    "They're not perfect," he argued.

    She stared at him and sighed. "If I could turn back time, I'd beat your father to death." Pepper inhaled sharply, then continued in a milder tone. "The hearing impaired person who hears for the first time in years will not care if it isn't perfect. The visually impaired person who has a screen reader miles ahead of the market won't care if the battery needs to be replaced once every 2 years instead of 5. And I promise you, when somebody bed-bound gets braces or a chair that lets them move around of their own free will, they will not care if it requires additional padding."

    "But it's not-"

    "Quality of Life now? Or perfection when it's too late?"

    "Sir, if I may suggest- Ms. Potts is correct. You may also benefit from a larger testing pool."

    "I mean, if you think they won't mind the glitches, sure. Go for it."

    "Good."

    -

    "Mobility aids?!" He snapped.

    Danny yawned and rubbed his eyes. "Dude, it's 4 am here."

    The fruitloop didn't care. "First insulin, now mobility aids- mark my words, Daniel Fenton, I will win!"

    Daniel didn't reply.

    "Daniel?"

    The sounds of snoring reached his ears. "Little wretch," he snapped half-heartedly and hung up.

Chapter Text

    "2 major insurance companies and 3 global companies are facing possible imminent collapse. We are joined today by Bruce Wayne and the current CEO of Wayne Enterprises, his son, Timothy Drake. Mr. Wayne, Mr. Drake, thank you for joining us."

    "Thank you for having us here."

    His cell beeped, and Vlad pulled it up, opening it to find a message from Harriet, of all people. 

    Harriet: 28 people are wanting exclusives, including 3 international news stations. How do you feel about a camera and company tour?

    He thought for a moment. 

    Vlad: I can have someone show you around HQ and some of the production areas. Provided, of course, Dalv Co. comes out smelling like roses. 

    Harriet: deal. When and which facilities? 

    Vlad: I'll call you after I talk to PR. 

    Harriet replied with a thumbs-up emoji. 

    -

    "In a new attempt to get in the game, LexCorp is making their tuition reimbursement match 100%, in a move that some competitors call riding the coattails of the big 3. What do you think about this, Mr. Wayne, Mr. Masters?"

    "Oh, no question about it! There's a big difference between seeing a good idea and doing it yourself as soon as you can, and doing the bare minimum when someone is upset with you," Bruce agreed jovially. 

    Vlad nodded in agreement; all 4 were supposed to be here, but Stark was half an hour late and Luthor refused the invitation. 

    "Mr. Masters, what made you want to get into the competition between the Waynes and Mr. Stark?"

    He smiled. "Well, I realized there was a lot more we could be doing for our communities, our environment, and across the nation. When Wayne Enterprises came out with their insulin, I had my lawyers take another good look at my contracts, and realized while I couldn't sell directly to patients, nothing prevented me from sharing prices."

    "Mr. Wayne, what made you and your son, Mr. Drake, get involved with the insulin crisis in America?"

    "Well, we-"

    -

    "How does he make such bullshit sound so real?" Danny asked in awe.

    "No idea, but it's impressive," Tucker said. "Too bad he's only interested in talking up your mom, he could be swimming in the ladies and leaving you the hell alone."

    "I know," Danny sighed. "But it's not like-"

    "Danny?" No response. "Sam, Danny's in the bad idea freeze again!"

    "Danny, no! Whatever you're thinking about, no."

    "Ok, but hear me out-"

    "No!" Exclaimed both his friends at once.

    "Vlad's single, he needs to get fixated on somebody who isn't my mother, and-"

    "Danny. Does another woman deserve the evil that is Vlad Masters?"

    He considered and frowned. "Yeah, you're right. Nevermind."

    -

    "Thank you for having me over for this 5-part special, Mr. Masters," Harriet said, smiling more at the camera than Vlad. 

    Vlad did the same. "Of course! We're pushing for transparency here at Dalv Co. And please, call me Vlad."

    "Thank you, Vlad. So, for this first part, we're touring the auto industry headquarters of Dalv Co. and interviewing employees there. Tomorrow, we'll do the same for the medical portion."

    "Please, follow me."

    -

    "Bruce Wayne is on fire in the media today for punching Evon Mush and refusing to apologize for it. Either way, Mush is out of the Best Billionaire game, not by Bruce Wayne, but by cryptocurrency. That's right, the former billionaire was hit hard today when the NFTs and Cryptos he put so much money into collapsed, almost overnight."

    "What about his solar technology, Aaliyah?"

    "Well, after multiple peer reviews, it turns out you can buy the same quality at Dalv Co for cheaper, or better quality at SI for the same price."

    "Surely he still has his electric car empire to fall back on?"

    "You might think that, but Dalv Co.'s recent release this year of similar or better quality vehicles at a lower price point has made it a popular choice for both the middle and upper classes, not just the extremely wealthy."

    Vlad smiled at the TV again. Ah, good news again. His shareholders were back in line, and his allies in the media- mainly Harriet and his PR people- were doing their jobs nicely. With that thought in mind, he dialed a number. "Maddie! Have you heard about Mush?"

    "Yes, Vlad, I have. I'm a little shocked at Wayne, though."

    "He's got a good left hook," Vlad admitted, rubbing his jaw where one had landed a few years back.

    "Oh! Well. Good for him."

    Vlad frowned, that wasn't very nice. "Certainly. Tell me, Maddie, are you free on-" the line rang with an incoming call from PR. "Terribly sorry Maddie, I'll call you back later."

    "Don't be."

    "Yes, Red?"

    "SI just dropped all US small arms manufacturing, and started manufacturing bulletproof vests."

    "Good for them. And?"

    "Child size bulletproof vests. They're either honestly concerned or capitalizing on school shootings. We've got a little room since our stock bump when Mush had to sell half his assets, but we need to get ahead of this."

    "Suggestions?"

    "There's a meeting in 4 hours."

    "I'll bring a guest."

    -

    "No."

    "Get in the car please?"

    "No. I am not getting kidnapped by you today."

    "It's not a kidnapping! You'll be compensated for your time. Maybe 2, 3 hours?"

    Sam narrowed her eyes, while Tucker looked between them both. Daniel had already shifted to Phantom, ready as always to start a fight he'd lose. "What would I be doing?"

    "Brainstorming. We need ideas that assist younger generations and voting generations and fast. I'm reliably informed you have thousands of them."

    Sam narrowed her eyes. "And how much would I be compensated?"

    "2 meals, snacks, and a check with four zeroes on the end before the decimal point. If you're particularly useful, I could see about one of the cars being a sweet 16 gift."

    She stuck out her hand. He shook it. The three climbed into the car, and- "wait, I was coming for Samantha, not you two."

    "Road trip!" Tucker shouted. 

    "Like we'd let you alone with Sam."

    Samantha sent a smug look in his direction, and he sighed heavily. "Butter biscuits."

    -

    "Why are there 3 children following you?" Red asked with a too-big smile on their face.

    "Brainstorming," he replied. 

    Daniel took a noisy slurp of his boba tea. 

    Red closed their eyes briefly, and sighed. "Right this way, then."

    The tune changed fairly quickly. "Could we actually do that?"

    "I mean, it would help if you had somebody as a Governor or in the senate, but yeah. And you could at least hire lobbyists."

    "We do have some, but that's mostly for the medical industry."

    Samantha left $6,000 richer, and with a signed promise of a car on her 16th if the ideas were useful. "Let's do this."

    -

    "Ghost technology? Did you seriously just text me that?"

    "Hello, Vlad! How are you? I'm doing well, thank you, Harriet. And you?" 

    "Cut the sarcasm billionaire boy," she said with a snort. "Seriously. You do know that's why the Fentons are known as kooks and I lost my job, right?"

    "Mm. It's being called the 'Ghost Car' because it's completely silent, and flies. Comes with its' own power source and everything."

    "Color me curious. When are you unveiling?"

    "3 weeks. Want an exclusive?"

    "Definitely."

    -

    "Lex Luthor under fire for potential tax fraud and money laundering. We now go to Golden Planet Reporter, Lois Lane, for details."

    "Thank you, Charles. We recently received a tip-off that 50% of Mr. Luthor's donations were going to himself. It's quite the debacle; Superman was notified of illegal weapons in a warehouse owned by Mr. Luthor, but instead found a group of accountants. After notifying the police, the FBI was called. Mr. Luthor is still under investigation."

    "Thank you, Lois! We now go to Harriet Chin for more details on some happier news. We've been promised flying cars by SI since the 40s, but Dalv Co. may have figured it out."

    -

    "Wayne Enterprises has started production of 7 other life-saving medications, including treatments for AIDs, cancer, and several mental health disorders. As with their insulin, they are selling at an extremely low profit margin to keep things affordable for patients."

    "In related news, two medical insurance companies have gone bankrupt, and are being retooled by WE, for purposes unknown."

    "Stark Industries releases new technology with great potential for treating PTSD and CPTSD. This is currently in the testing stages. In the meantime, the much-awaited SI gaming console is now available for pre-order at their official website!"

    "Billionaire Vlad Masters pays $6 billion to the UN in a bid to end world hunger in a move that has earned him audiences with leaders around the globe."

    -

    "We can't beat that, can we, J?"

    "We can certainly beat others, however. Perhaps a similarly large investment?"

    "He's using personal funds," she stated dryly. "But I've met him, he is not a philanthropist."

    "Perhaps something with the Maria Stark foundation?"

    "Unless it's ending homelessness, or breaking out of a recession, I doubt it."

    -

    "Wayne Enterprises announces the Wayne Criminal Rehabilitation Program. Mr. Drake, can you tell us about that please?"

    "As you probably know, in Gotham, we have a large number of criminals who engage in acts of murder, terrorism, or even world domination. Many of these people went to prison for smaller crimes and never had underlying mental issues treated. This program is intended to provide therapy for all prisoners- 1st time or repeat offenders- and assist in easing them back into life outside jail. It also assists in legal resources for people who were arrested wrongfully or are serving disproportionately long sentences."

    "When you say disproportionately long, how do you mean?"

    "It goes back to racism and classism at its roots. Think about it; I committed an assault. My father was beating my mother, I taught him a lesson, and I served 6 months behind bars, but was released early due to good behavior. Now, look at the case of Voshaun London. He was in a similar situation; his father was beating his mother, he stepped in, and like me, he had no priors. However, he is still in prison 3 years later. He isn't white and he isn't rich, so he's been punished unfairly."

    "Is that necessarily the case?"

    "Well, 3 of his jurors admitted that they-"

    Vlad hummed in the back of his throat. He was starting to think Drake and Wayne cared about people- how strange. He raised the remote. *Click*

    "Stark Industries CTO and heir, Tony Stark, donates $3 billion to low-income public schools across the US and expands their line of smartphones. They've also started offering free or reduced-price plans to customers in certain economic brackets."

    *Click*

    "Is this the right way for America to go? No! These people are undermining capitalism! What happened to truth, justice, and the American way?!" A red-faced man shouted, and Vlad cackled. Justice. What a joke.

    *Click*

    "-buzzing about the annual 300 charity gala, where the 300 richest people in the world and their plus ones are invited for a night of-"

    "This thing again. Ridiculous, don't you think?" He asked. 

    "Meow."

    "I'm glad you agree. The money I'd spend there I could easily spend on you. Isn't that right, my little-"

    His phone buzzed in his pocket. The cat yawned and rolled over to expose the other half of her body to the sunbeam.

    -

    Harriet: Get me in on that gala so I can ask Luthor invasive questions and I will get you into a feel-good fluff piece so well done it'll have YOU thinking you have morals. 

    Hmm. He wasn't planning on going in the first place. Eh, he'd mention a plus one, that would solve it.

    Vlad: You would have to be my plus one, they have strict rules. 

    Harriet: I'm a big girl I can handle being someones eye candy for a night. 

    Vlad: To be honest, I wasn't intending to go. 

    He raised an eyebrow as 5, then 10 minutes passed. 

     Vlad: everything ok? 

    Harriet: sorry, had to get something. 

     Harriet: remember that spring break trip in 85? Because I do, and Polaroid does too. 

    Harriet: (picture enclosed)

    Oh Ancients, no. That could never get out. 

    Vlad: Fine I'll take you. Just delete that. Do you have anything to wear to something like that? 

    Harriet: (picture enclosed)

    Vlad: I'll be taking you shopping then

    Harriet: hey! This is a great dress! 

    Vlad: you have to have a certain number of 0's in your net worth to even get invited. There is a dress code. 

    Harriet: fine but you're paying

    Vlad: fine. Any preferred colors? 

    Harriet: no yellow, no white

    Vlad: fine

    "Ridiculous, isn't it?" 

    "Brrrrrrt," said Maddie, the cat. Vlad chose to interpret this as an agreement and scrolled through his phone to make a few calls.

    "Hmm. Need a tailor or two, a hairdresser probably. What do you think, hmm? Red or blue?"

    Maddie yawned, stretched, and jumped on the couch. "Go with blue, I think. Everyone will be wearing red. It's important to make a statement at these things, you know."

    The white furball proceeded to knead his thigh. "Yes, I know, almost dinner time for you. Just a few minutes."

    -

    "Is...is Vlad dating Harriet Chin?"

    "I thought she hated his guts."

    "Oh, she does," Danny confirmed, "he called me to bitch about it last week. She's 'so ungrateful'."

    "Language," his mother reminded him. "I'm not sure if I want him to move on to Harriet, or warn her to run."

    "He does get a little fixated," Jazz agreed. 

    "Ah, that's just Vladdie! I'm sure it's fine." The three rolled their eyes at Jack and turned back to the TV. 

    "Danny, are you sure it's a good idea for your friend Sam to be around him?"

    "It's cool mom, Tuck and I go with her," he reassured. 

    "You what?!" Maddie snapped. 

    "I go with her and Tuck? To make sure Vlad doesn't do anything?" He asked nervously.

    "How often does this happen? When were you going to tell me?"

    "Uh-"

    -

    "How do I look?"

    "Like an ass," Harriet answered, "but that's what happens when you wear shitty ties like that."

    Vlad rolled his eyes and pulled out a different selection- a little more modern. "Go with the blue one. Matches your eyes."

    "Thank you, you terrible excuse for a human being."

    "That's rich, coming from you."

    "Everything's rich when it comes from me."

    Harriet snorted and tossed a shoe at him. "You're insane. Let me meet your cat."

    "Are you getting dressed over here solely to meet my cat?" He asked dryly. 

    Harriet put her hands on her hips. "Hey Vlad, remember in that party in the boys' dorm, 3rd year, when you-"

    He interrupted her quickly- what little he remembered of that party didn't bear repeating. "Her name is...Princess. Follow me, but seriously, go get ready."

    - 

    From: [email protected]

    To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]

    Subject: Best Billionaire Contest

    Let's meet. No press, no plus ones. I have an idea, it'll take all of us, but we could do some real change. 

    Also, if you're only in this for the money: you could make a killing on real estate and PR. 

    *

    From: Pepper Potts

    To: Vlad Masters, Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake

    Cc: Iron Man

    Re: Best Billionaire Contest

    Tony is the billionaire here, but I'm interested. 

    *

    From: Iron Man

    To: Vlad Masters, Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake, Pepper Potts

    Re: Re: Best Billionaire Contest

    Go for it, I've got to stop Dr. Doom again. F4 can't even clean up their own villains.

    *

    From: Vlad Masters

    To: Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake, Pepper Potts, Iron Man

    Re: Re: Best Billionaire Contest

    When and where?

Chapter Text

    "Harriet, darling," Vlad began, only to be interrupted. 

    "Call me darling again and I'll taze you."

    He snorted. "I'm 4 states away. You'll have to wait. But I have a story you'll love to publish."

    "Oh?"

    "Did you know John Bezod created 14 shell companies for money laundering?"

    Vlad heard her inhale sharply. "Tell me more."

    He smiled. "Well, I'd simply love to, but I seem to have been locked out of my own jet. Would you know anything about that?"

    "Of course not. But first, who has a masseuse on a jet? Second, I'm kidnapping your masseuse."

    "You can't pay him, but I can replace him with someone with instructions not to attend to guests."

    "No fair," she grumbled and hung up. A few minutes later, he was allowed in. 

    Somewhere, a camera clicked nearly silently. 

    -

    "Mr. Masters, thank you for the time spent with us today," the news anchor said with a blinding white smile. 

    "Of course, I'm happy to be here."

    "We do have a few viewer questions, if you'd care to answer any?"

    "Why not?"

    "1st is your stance on gun control."

    "I believe they should be much more regulated. Nobody needs an assault rifle, and people with known criminal or domestic violence backgrounds shouldn't have access to them."

    "And 2nd is your stance on abortion."

    "Two hot button topics in a row! Well. I don't have a uterus, but the people with them are overwhelmingly in favor of abortions, so I feel it should be protected. Just because a right only applies to half the population doesn't mean it's not important to have."

    "Have any of your exes had abortions that you know of?"

    Vlad frowned. "That's a very pointed question. No, none that I know of, but even if I did, I wouldn't say. I've been a public figure for 15 years, and I would prefer not to violate their privacy."

    "Has Harriet Chin?"

    Vlad frowned, honestly floored. "Why would you ask me that? We're not even dating, how should I know?"

    "So the rumor and evidence of a less professional relationship between you and Ms. Chin is completely false?"

    "I think at best you could call us friendly acquaintances, or possibly friends. Nothing romantic is going on."

    "Then how would you describe these images?"

    Vlad looked at them, and to the reporter's surprise, outright laughed. "That's not- how did you mistake Guadalupe for Harriet? They're not even the same race, and this was 4, almost 5 years ago."

    "We were informed these were fresh images."

    Vlad snickered. "I'm not sure which is worse. That you didn't see the year on the Happy New Year glasses, that I wore those glasses, or," and here he made his voice considerably more serious, "that an entire studio, presumably, managed to mistake a 25-year-old Hispanic woman for a Chinese woman more similar in age to myself."

    "I, uh- perhaps we should flip through, I'm sure there's something more recent."

    His eyes narrowed and the reporter became more nervous as the pictures didn't turn themselves into something compromising with Harriet Chin. "Do you know what I think? I think you are the person who replaced Harriet years ago, and now you're trying to drag her name through the mud due to regaining success." He stood. 

    "I, ah- well, you did take her as a plus one to an exclusive event, and-"

    "Really? I would've started out with that if I were you," he drawled. "I needed a plus one, she wanted to interview some of the people there. Two birds with one stone."

    -

    Somewhere, a camera clicked nearly soundlessly. Nearly being the operative word. He climbed in the plane, leaving a duplicate to feign needing a nap, and invisible, floated around until he found the source. 

    Ah. Well, this might be a good time to break out some old photos, he thought with a grin the young man on the ground couldn't see. Invisibly, he flicked through a digital photo album- the press-ready clean one, of course. 

    Hmm. Vacation to New York, New Years' 2012. That would do. It was quick and easy work to reach through the man's camera and trade SD cards as he was packing his camera up. Both men went away smiling. Only one would be smiling later. 

    -

    "I can't believe this!"

    "I know," Vlad said, grateful for the surprising support from his arch-nemesis. 

    "You had girlfriends? Somebody thought you had game?"

    Vlad glared at the phone. "You're not funny."

    "I'm very funny. But seriously, did you actually score a date?"

    "Yes, I've had multiple dates," Vlad agreed dryly, "I'm also revoking your pass for the NASA tour."

    "Hey!"

    Click. 

    -

    "Tony Stark announces his intent to run against 2016 Republican choice, Donald Trump in this year's election. While Trump focuses on a wall with Mexico, Stark is focusing on problems closer to home; that is, improving upon Obamacare, improving rights for Americans, and putting justice back in our justice system. Join us next week for televised interviews with both candidates."

    "Bruce Wayne is running for a congressional seat, but faces hard opposition from multiple candidates, who all have greater experience in politics."

    Vlad sipped his wine with a smile at the evening news. Everything according to plan. 

    "Vlad Masters is also running for Senator in his home state of Wisconsin," the reporter added, and the glass was shattered in Vlad's hand. 

    "Who the-"

    "This was announced on his official Twitter page just this morning! He has so far not responded."

    He didn't even have a Twitter! He- Vlad hissed, letting steam roll out his nose. He picked up his phone and dialed. 

    "Hi, Vlad! Have any luck on the dating Harriet thing?"

    "Listen you little pest, did you make a Twitter account for me?"

    "Ow, that's so rude! But one of us did."

    He snarled and Daniel laughed. "I'll get Sam and Tucker on Skype. Hey, you do know how to Skype, right?"

    "Yes, I know how to Skype," he growled. 

    "Cool, see you in a bit!"

    -

    It did have one bonus. For once, Maddie called him, not the other way around. "Isn't Mayor to Senator kind of a big jump?"

    "Well, I'm sure I can handle it. Besides, think of the opportunity! The kids can learn a lot about politics up close and personal."

    "I'm not so sure. Maybe you should drop out?"

    He blinked. "What, you want the man who says rape, school shootings, and people dying due to lack of basic amenities are acts of God back in the Senate?"

    "Well, no, but I didn't think you'd- well, that you'd care. You don't really care about anything."

    What? He didn't care about anything? He cared about her, loved her! And all he got was- Vlad muffled the rather ghostly snarl and hung up. He'd prove it. He could care. 

    He was no longer in the mood to talk to anyone when Harriet called. He picked up anyway. "When were you going to tell me you were running for senate?"

    "Believe it or not, I heard about it on the news. I was pranked."

    "Oh. Well, I'd vote for you- lesser of two evils and all."

    "That's oddly comforting, thank you," he said quietly. 

    Harriet cleared her throat. "So can we talk about how the studio got those pictures?"

    "I'd rather not."

    "Well, I need to know, so help me out here. Doesn't have to be today."

    He swallowed. "It couldn't get out to the press."

    "What's one more dirty little secret?"

    He closed his eyes and leaned back. "Let's get this senate garbage behind us and we can talk."

    "Deal. What's your platform?"

    "My what now?"

    "Why you're running, why people should vote for you?"

    "I'm better than Lambert."

    "True," she agreed, "but that's not going to persuade anyone. What's your main goal?"

    He thought back to the meeting. "Ending homelessness in the state of Wisconsin."

    "Big goal."

    "Mm. Hey, you did a few pieces on it, right? The causes, the effects?"

    "I did," she confirmed. "Want me to give you the run-down?"

    "Please do."

    He cared. He- maybe not as much as he should, but he cared! 

    "Harriet," he said at the end of her (incredibly informative) impromptu lecture, "you've been invaluable, thank you."

    "Sure, no problem. Look, is everything ok? You're less of a snarky asshole than normal."

    "Oh really?"

    "A whole conversation where I haven't had to threaten to mace you, taze you, or blackmail you."

    He hesitated. "You don't think I don't care about anyone, do you? I mean, I don't care about everyone, I'm not an idealist, but I care for some people."

    "Look. Vlad. You do good things for shitty reasons. You're a raging asshole in a nice suit most of the time. But even so, there are people you care about. I can tell that. You might care a little too much for a few of them." Harriet added pointedly.

    He closed his eyes and groaned. "I can't exactly help that."

    "Ok, but you can. That girl, Sam. You're using her as an idea factory, right?"

    "I pay her," he objected. 

    "Ok. Either way, you have a reason to talk to her, and Danny and Tucker through her. Right?"

    "Seeing as they won't let her go anywhere alone, yes."

    "Ok. You have reasons to talk to the Waynes, to Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, to your employees, and to me. Yeah?"

    "Yes. Where are you going with this?"

    "What reason- just give one logical reason- do you have to talk to Jack or Maddie Fenton outside of their parenting of Danny?"

    He opened his mouth and shut it. Because Jack killed him? Hardly a reason to talk to the man. Because he was, as a ghost, obsessed with Maddie? Hardly logical. 

    "5 minutes and you can't give one reason. That should probably tell you something. Maybe you'd be a little happier if you cut them out? Let them come to you?"

    Yes. Yes, that could work. Perhaps a kidnapping or two- 

    "But nothing illegal. Seriously, you can't afford that right now. You're under way too much scrutiny."

    "I hate it when you're right."

    "And I'm always right," she teased. 

    He snorted. "Were you right back during Chem class when you-"

    "Hey! No using my own tactics against me!"

    "You know, I think I have a photo or two back when you did the three pigtails."

    "No. Please tell me that's a joke."

    "We'll see."

    An hour or two after they hung up, he snorted and sent her a certain picture. 

    Harriet: BURN IT

    Vlad: I don't know it's rather charming. I might put it on my fridge.

    Harriet: (picture enclosed)

    Vlad: I'll burn this if you burn that

    Harriet: no I need insurance

    Harriet: but I can be bribed with cat pics

    -

    Daniel: hey old man Sam says she figured out a way for you to run on a dem ticket but still be independent

    Vlad: thank you Danny. I'll call her after you get out of school.

    Daniel: wait did you just

    Daniel: nvm don't want to jinx it

    Vlad: wise choice.  

    -

    "Hey, have you thought about agriculture at all?"

    He raised an eyebrow at the girl in front of him and absentmindedly batted Danny's hand away from his fries. 

    "Well, I did donate all that money for world hunger relief, and I own several ranches. Why do you ask?"

    "Sam wants to make the whole world vegan," Tucker said.

    She rolled her eyes. "Tuck, I'm not even vegan. I'm an ultra-recyclo vegetarian."

    "Which means?"

    "Nothing with a face," she replied. "Eggs, milk, that's fine- just minimizing impact on animals and the environment."

    "I see. And I suppose you would like me to do something with that?"

    "Nah. If I've learned one thing, it's start small. What I'm thinking is, can you use cloning on food?"

    He frowned. "I can use it on the cow, but not the steak. Plants are easier, but they'd need to be raw."

    She frowned. 

    "Although, now that I think about it, the R&D department accidentally discovered a way to do long-term food storage cheaper and we might be able to cut costs on packing."

    "What do you have or know about water purification, or making homes for net 0 emissions?"

    He leaned back and stole one of Daniel's chicken strips as payment for his fries. "Water would be difficult thanks to interstate regulations, but construction- even if not net 0, that has some benefits. Actually, it rolls into another project."

    -

    "We're manufacturing those now?" Red asked, tapping one finger on the ghost shield design. 

    "Not as is. I need you to get someone with your department and R&D to go over the specs. Get rid of anything that mentions ghosts, spirits, specters, or anything unnatural."

    "These can cover city blocks, who'd have the money to buy it?"

    He raised an eyebrow. "New York City, Metropolis, San Francisco, Gotham, and London have regular alien and villain invasions. I imagine they'd be interested in viewing some tests and purchasing, and the miniature ones can cover a home."

    "The power source is ectoplasm, boss. We can't hide ghost involvement."

    He chuckled. "Environmental energy including ambient heat sources. Try that, and throw in a 'proprietary information' or two."

    "You got it."

    -

    "Do you want to come record a bunch of high-powered explosions and have access to some of the most influential people in invasion-targeted cities worldwide?"

    "It's 2 am."

    "Is that a no?"

    "It's a call me before 6 am again and I'll castrate you. Yes, I'll go."

    "Good, the plane leaves at 6 am."

    "What?!"

    "Pack lightly, take a nap before you go and all that."

    "At 6- did you already-"

    "Boarding pass has been emailed to you, see you soon. Bring your passport, it's at area 51."

    "Are you kidding me?"

    "Bye Harriet, see you later."

    "Vlad you asshole, don't hang up on me!"

    Harriet groaned into the dark room. Shit, she has to call her boss now. 

    Harriet: fuck you also kitty pictures

    Vlad: toe beans? (Picture enclosed)

    Harriet: you have escaped my wrath for now

Chapter Text

    "So what's the special sauce in your flying cars and shields?" Stark asked- well, demanded more like. 

    "It's proprietary technology, but I will say it relies on rechargeable solar batteries in part."

    Stark snorted and popped a blueberry into his mouth. "Yeah, I've done the calculations. That can, at most, sustain a shield like this for 2, maybe 3 seconds, running at full power, so whatever else you got going on in there is doing the bulk of the work."

    "You're correct," he replied. "And lest you burn yourself, let me say that this is covered in a 6-inch thick lead casing for a reason. You will not like the effects of sawing it open."

    "And I need to know what the hell 27 cities are putting in their buildings in case something breaks it."

    "If you've read the specs, you know there's a counteragent which immediately destroys the main agent in case of catastrophic failure. Unfortunately, I don't doubt you could find your way around that."

    Stark narrowed his eyes. "Look. One inventor to another- I'm not going to go blabbing about whatever is in there. I just want to keep people safe. That's it- I'm not stealing your invention or whatever."

    Vlad shook his head. "The most I'll tell you is this: poisonous if eaten, avoid any skin contact. It's partially made of rare elements, and while it is mildly radioactive, it's 90% lower than what the average person gets from using a microwave."

    "Hey, Mr. Masters!"

    Bless Tim Drake. "Mr. Drake, how can I help you?"

    "Kid, we were talking-"

    "About the shields, I know. It's about one of them- one of them was cut open, and now one of the batteries is leaking."

    Stark beamed, and Drake scowled. "Mr. Stark, people could get hurt."

    "Can you show me the broken one, please?"

    Tim froze when they reached it and muttered something about Lazarus Water. Vlad dug his hands in and discovered a neat slice. "Interesting. Very neat slice, almost as if someone used a laser cutter. Must be a fault in the casing- ah well, this is what a testing range is for. Stark, since you're so curious, would you like to take a look? Mr. Drake, you're welcome as well."

    "Hey, why does he get 'Mr. Drake' and I get 'Stark'?"

    "I'm not sure if I absolutely hate you or if I want to be friends yet, Stark. After all, the rules said no recording except by approved personnel, and the scanners picked up multiple recording devices on you." He sent a sly look over to the man. "I can appreciate that sort of underhandedness, but the Iron Man glove with a melted cutter is a bit much."

    "Hey, are we- is that ectoplasm?" Harriet asked when she popped her head in. Vlad closed his eyes as Stark rounded on the woman for information.

    "What's ectoplasm? Why's it glowing? Is it normally glowing? Dangerous? Not dangerous? C'mon, give us a clue!"

    "Question for a question," Harriet retorted. "First- what's SI doing about the sweatshops and near slave labor conditions of some of its China factories?"

    Oh, Harriet was the best. "C'mon, give us a clue."

    "There are sweatshops?"

    She gave the man a deadpan expression, and Tim watched them all in obvious curiosity. "Give me a break, Mr. Stark, you visited a town and ate a 3-course meal 6 blocks away from one. Question for a question, let's go."

    "Glowstick hands, your girlfriend is scary."

    "Not my girlfriend, and yes she is. Are you going to answer her question?"

    "Uh- can I skip?"

    "Sure. Yes, it's normally glowing. Next question, and you have to answer this one, is it true you have an illegitimate son in Queens, New York, and instead of raising him or offering child support, you're instead using him as an intern?"

    "You know what? I think some things should be a mystery. Bye Glowstick Hands, Scary Girlfriend, and... what was it, Jim?"

    "Tim Drake," Tim answered to Stark's retreating back, clearly unimpressed. "Wow, that guy's an asshole."

    Harriet snorted. "Gotta admit, Glowstick Hands," Vlad groaned, "I never thought I'd meet someone worse than you."

    "So, uh- can I please ask questions about the ectoplasm? Or no?"

    He shrugged. "Sure."

    "Vlad!"

    "What, Stark's an ass!"

    Harriet sighed. "You're an idiot, but fine. Go for it."

    Vlad rolled his eyes. "Thank you for the permission about my product."

    "Mr. Drake, how would you like to hear about Spring Break of '87?"

    "Everything she says is a lie."

    "Really? Because I have a picture of-"

    "You're awful."

    "That's why we're friends."

    Tim cleared his throat and tried not to laugh. "So the ectoplasm. Does it- and I know this sounds crazy- bring people back to life?"

    He narrowed his eyes and was pleased when the young man took an involuntary step back. He still had it. "Why would you say that?"

    "It, uh- it looks a lot like the Lazarus Water I read about?"

    After a few moments, he turned towards the glowing mess. "No. No, it kills you. But- sometimes it can bring a person back, albeit changed. Stay away from it, Mr. Drake."

    "Understood, thanks." There was a sort of- recognition and sadness on the young man's face. 

    "I take it you've seen it before."

    "Yeah, on my-" there was a moment of hesitation. "I guess you could call him my brother."

    "Hmm." He thought for a few moments. "I'll tell you what, Mr. Drake. If you- and Harriet, of course- are available next month- we can have that talk I promised Ms. Chin a little earlier than expected. No recorders. The moment I see a camera or recording device, it's over."

    "Might as well."

    "You don't have to call your boss?"

    Harriet snorted. "Please, I'm practically your personal reporter at this point. We'll just have to squeeze something in beforehand."

    "Mr. Drake?"

    "I'll be there."

    -

    "Tony, what are you doing down here?" Pepper asked. He tended to avoid the manor he grew up in for several reasons. 

    "I released the new PTSD treatment by BARF, Pep, no more meetings for at least a week."

    "I'm not here for a meeting, Tony. I'm here for you. What's wrong? You muted JARVIS."

    She sighed heavily when he tilted a bottle of whiskey back. "I'm- am I any better than my old man?"

    "Of course you are, Tony. What's this about?"

    "Stupid reporter. Leave me alone, Pep."

    "Not happening. What happened?"

    "Peter fucking Parker happened. Damn reporter knew about him. Shoulda heard 'er, real cutthroat, you'd love her."

    She sat on the covered car in the dusty old garage. "What did she say?"

    "Asked about some damn sweatshops I didn't know we had, then if I was using my illegitimate child as an intern instead of parenting him."

    "Peter's not yours, Tony. I know you love him, but he's not-"

    "I know! I know that! I can't even get the kid to stop calling me Mr. Stark!"

    Ah. So the problem was less someone thinking Peter was his and more Peter not really acting like his son. "Have you thought about spending time with him, outside the lab or the suit? Maybe he calls you Mr. Stark because he only knows Mr. Stark and Iron Man, not Tony."

    He stared at the bottle, and Pepper hoped she was getting through to him. "Can't catch a damn break."

    'You're one of the richest men in the world,' was Pepper's first response. She didn't say it. 'You need some therapy and a vacation', was the second, also unsaid. "Drop out of the contest, Tony. It's stressing you out too much."

    "I can handle it if they can. They're all doing election shit too."

    "Tony, Vlad Masters is a CEO whose main hobbies include playing with his cat and watching football. Timothy Drake is a CEO college student with help from Bruce Wayne, who does nothing but charity work and is a total airhead. You, however, are a CTO, a superhero, and running for the office of the President, not a Governor or Senator. You're a hell of a lot more overworked."

    "But I can-"

    "Tony. Lay off the sauce. Go to bed. Call Peter in the morning, spend time with him as just Tony. Then, give me the name of that reporter."

    -

    Harriet: Stark called Potts

    Harriet: I'm scared but I also want her to step on me

    Vlad: I understand completely. Want company?

    Harriet: Yes but leave if I somehow manage to get her to step on me

    Vlad: simp

    Harriet: 😶

    Harriet: WHO taught you that word?

    Vlad: Danny and Tucker. All the cool kids are saying it now

    Harriet: Never say it again, you're too old

    Vlad: We're the same age

    Harriet: LIES

    Vlad: Wait you were born in '65 right?

    Harriet: leave me alone

    Vlad: September of 65?

    Harriet: stop making me feel old.

    Vlad: I was born in 65 too. November of 1965. You are older than me.

    Harriet: I hate you 

    Vlad: oh stop simping over Pepper Potts and get drunk with me before you leave town

    Harriet: STOP SAYING THAT WORD

    Vlad: Well?

    Harriet: Top shelf or I won't come over

    Vlad: (picture enclosed)

    Vlad: please. Like I have anything bottom shelf.

    Harriet: bougie bastard

    Vlad: says the woman who spent $8000 of MY MONEY on shoes

    Harriet: fair. I'm bringing card games. 

    -

    "Ms. Chin, thank you for visiting. I assure you, though, Mr. Masters isn't required."

    Vlad smiled blandly at her, trying to project innocence. Potts narrowed her eyes. Ah, well. Win some, lose some. "I'll grab you something to drink, yes? Ms. Potts?"

    "Coffee, please," Harriet answered. 

    "It's fine, Mr. Masters, we won't be here long."

    Well. Harriet could handle herself, but the largest coffee he could find in NYC wouldn't hurt. 

    "Ms. Chin, there are a few questions I'd like you to refrain from regarding Mr. Stark."

    She raised a brow. This was what this was about? "Are you talking about the attempted industrial espionage by Mr. Stark that I deflected by using pointed questions?"

    Potts' left eye twitched, the only sign of a disturbance. "Oh? Tell me about that, please."

    Harriet smiled. "I can do better. He was on camera for it."

    Another twitch. "Here. You can keep the copy, although I'll keep the original. As long as Mr. Stark refrains from further acts of theft or espionage, I'll be happy to keep it our little secret."

    "I'll review this and call you back. It's been a pleasure, Ms. Chin."

    "I enjoyed meeting you as well, Ms. Potts."

    -

    "Verdict?" Harriet jumped and jabbed Vlad sharply in the ribs. 

    "You're such a creep sometimes. It'll probably be fine, she'll call me later."

    "Did you do something sneaky?"

    "Stop grinning. And yes, I borrowed some of your spy drones. By the way, do you- you know what? I have to ask, why is your computer password the Green Bay Packers quarterback's name and the day they won the Superbowl?"

    Vlad froze and stared. "How do you know that?"

    Harriet raised an eyebrow. "I broke into your computer, dumbass."

    "No. The win date. Wait- are you a Packer's fan?"

    "Oh hell no, you are not indoctrinating me into your weird cult. I escaped in college, I'm not risking it again."

    "It's not a cult!"

    "You prepared burnt offerings to a signed football, it's a cult."

    "Giant home theater."

    "Cult!"

    "Heated massage chairs."

    "Still a cult," she objected, and employees stared when the elevator doors opened. 

    "Top shelf tequila and a margarita machine."

    "Absolutely not."

    Vlad smirked and held the door open for her. "Did I mention Princess likes watching the game?"

    She turned and jabbed the smug bastard in the chest with one finger. "I fucking hate you."

    "So you'll be there-"

    "I'll be there to watch the game Sunday. Joining a damn cult because my landlord hates pets!"

    -

    "Tim, can I borrow you?" Uh-oh. That was just a hair nicer than the Batman voice. 

    "Don't worry! I'm not joining the Green Bay Packers cult!"

    "The what?" As hoped, it threw Bruce off. "There's a cult for a football team?"

    "I mean, it consists of two people, a cat, and 6 ghosts, but I don't believe the ghost part."

    "...I have no idea what to say to that. But no, it's not about the...football cult." The older man shook his head before continuing. "No, would you have any idea why I'm running for Governor of this state? You know, seeing as I didn't know I was running?"

    "Ok, so- the homeless problem is a legal and socioeconomic one, yeah? Turns out, there's a lot of laws preventing people from helping the homeless. So we need to change some laws!"

    "What?!"

    "And I'm not old enough to run."

    "So get someone else! I'm too busy with Batman, Tim, and you should've asked me first."

    "That's fair," he agreed, "but did you see who you'd be running against?" Tim pulled up the list on his phone. A former DA from out of town, the current Governor, and...

    "What?!" Bruce roared. "How can Harvey Dent, the terrorist run?!"

    "Do you really want Dent in charge of the lives of hundreds of thousands of people?"

    Bruce narrowed his eyes. "I'll run. But you are so, incredibly grounded. More grounded than you can imagine."

    "Oh, come on, Bruce, it's not that bad!"

    "Damian!" He bellowed, and Tim winced at the sound. "I found someone to clean the stables for the next 6 weeks, stop harassing Dick about it!"

    He raised an eyebrow when Tim opened his mouth to object, and Tim sighed. Should've joined the football cult.

Chapter Text

    "What?"

    "I'm grounded, Mr. Masters," Tim repeated, blush furious on his face. 

    "I'll talk to him."

    "Please don't!" He exclaimed. "I'll end up in way more trouble, really."

    Masters made a considering noise on the other end of the line. "Fair enough. Out of curiosity, did you do what Danny and his little friends did to me? Wayne seemed more resigned than anything on the news."

    "It was probably a bad idea. But Dent is a literal terrorist, so-"

    "Mm. I'll take care of Dent in a few weeks. You just make sure Wayne doesn't spontaneously combust on stage."

    That was almost Joker-level sinister sounding. "You're not going to kill Dent, are you?"

    "Oh, heavens no, dear boy," he exclaimed in a voice Tim immediately realized was a lie. "Don't you worry about Dent, young man."

    "Wait, I-" *click*

    Well. Should he tell somebody about this or no? Fuck it, he was busy being CEO, Robin, writing all of Bruce's speeches, and cleaning llama crap. If it was anyone else, maybe, but Dent was a serial killer and bomber. If Masters thought he could take him, he could have him. 

    -

    "Why do you have plans to murder Harvey Dent on your desk?" Daniel, the ever impertinent boy, asked. 

    "Why are you in my house?" He returned. 

    "Sam needs legal help, and her parents are out of the country."

    His first instinct was surprise- not that Samantha was in trouble, but that the overprotective Mansons left her behind. "And why was she imprisoned?"

    "Cops decided a peaceful protest in a public park was grounds for tear gas and mass arrests."

    "In Amity Park?" The town, despite its size, only had 4 cops- Samantha alone could take them on. 

    "Nah, Elmerton."

    "Elmerton," he repeated with a sneer. "Let me make a few calls, get my lawyers there. We'll be ready to leave shortly. And Daniel?"

    "Yeah, fruitloop?"

    "It goes without saying, my assistance comes with the price of forgetting those papers in my office."

    The boy snorted. "Help Sam and let a murderer kill another murderer or no help and you'll do it anyway. Don't have much of a choice, here."

    "I'm glad you see that. Do you know which precinct she was taken to?"

    "Yeah, the 2nd."

    "Out of curiosity, what were they protesting?"

    "Believe it or not, police brutality."

    -

    Sam had to admit, the crazy old man did look pretty cool with an army of lawyers and medical personnel. Or maybe that was the tear gas and concussion speaking. "How did you even know?"

    "Daniel slipped away and let me know."

    "Thanks."

    He seemed surprised for just a moment, then waved a dismissive hand. "I couldn't have my idea girl rotting in prison, now could I?"

    Sam snorted, and the EMT announced an opening for the next person. "Sure. Thanks anyway."

    -

    Harriet: Look at you, being all heroic! 

    (ViewTube Link-Potential Senator Storms Elm...)

    Harriet: And you didn't even tell me to put it on camera.

    Vlad: I think something is wrong with me

    Harriet: Buddy I have a list

    Vlad: I had an Emotion.

    Harriet: about something other than your cat, football, me, or the Fentons?!?!

    Vlad: am I dying?

    Harriet: no you just need therapy

    Harriet: if it will cheer you up, you can watch Tony Stark expose the Secretary of State for war crimes

    Harriet: OR Bruce Wayne deck that fucker Bezod. 

    Vlad: Bezod please

    Harriet: good choice. Here's the 10-minute loop set to the Benny Hill song. 

    (ViewTube Link- HILARIOUS Bezod challenges Wayn...)

    Vlad: Thanks

    -

    "Good morning, Wisconsin! This is Helen Wright with the Early Bird Show! Breaking News from out of state- Harvey Dent has stepped down from his race against Bruce Wayne and Herbert Willis after a robbery nearly took his life last night. That's right, folks- one of the famous Crime Kings of Gotham was nearly killed in a mugging."

    Vlad took another bite of his eggs and let Ma-Princess steal a piece of sausage. "Spoiled little thing, aren't you, dear?"

    The cat purred and pawed at his arm until he produced another piece of meat. 

    "In other news, Tony Stark was elected President of the United States in a landslide election that's nevertheless heavily contested by Republican candidate Donald Trump."

    Vlad chuckled. 

    "In our own state, Lee, Paulson, and Masters are running for a coveted senate seat. Paulson is currently under review for a scandal, and there's a large debate scheduled between Lee, the far right candidate, and Masters, who's running as an independent but leans to the far left."

    "Meooow?"

    "Yes, you can have some more, you greedy little thing. How would you like another cat, hmm? Some company when I'm gone?"

    The cat gave no answer, too busy with her treat. His phone rang and he declined it- his second missed call from Jack and first from Maddie today. 

    Vlad: What do your parents want from me?

    Danny: dad wants to wish you luck. Idk about mom

    Vlad: tell him I said thank you, please. 

    Danny: Nothing about mom this time?

    Vlad: not this time

    Danny: good for you. And knock em dead

    Danny: but not literally 

    Danny: don't murder anybody

    Danny: even though lee def deserves it

    Vlad chuckled and turned his attention back to the TV. 

    Danny: dont leave me on read

    Danny: u r not allowed to kill anybody

    Danny: i will tell ms. chin

    Danny: i know ur scared of her

    Danny: vlad

    Danny: Vlad

    Danny: VLad

    Danny: VLAd

    Danny: VLAD

    Vlad: dear god Daniel, I'm eating breakfast. I will not murder the competition. 

    Vlad: and I am NOT scared of Harriet

    He shook his head, and just as he was finishing up, his phone dinged again. 

    Harriet: so you're not scared of me, huh?

    Vlad: how did Daniel get your number?

    Harriet: good luck, don't wear a string tie, no crime, don't sleep with anyone you shouldn't, and always be a little scared of me. I am very scary

    Vlad: I'm going to a debate not a party

    Harriet: I've heard stories about your debate team days. 

    Vlad: FROM WHO

    Harriet: 😉

    Vlad: I hate you. I will not let you play with the new kitten. 

    Harriet: you have a KITTEN?! I need to see it!

    Vlad: do you really?

    Harriet: boo you whore

    Vlad: did you just quote Mean Girls at me?

    Harriet: did you just admit you know Mean Girls? 

    Harriet: oh now you're leaving me on READ, you dick. 

    He laughed, then stood to get ready. Harriet and Daniel were two different brands of mad. He was surprised to find, after he was dressed, messages from Potts, Drake, Wayne, Samantha, and Tucker. How strange.

    -

    "Congratulations, son," a man in a white suit began, and Vlad fought the urge to snort. 'Son'? 

    "Thank you, Mr...."

    "Robertson. I'm a representative from the NRA. I'd like to offer a deal, m'boy, and-"

    Once was enough. "Dr. Masters. Or Mr., I'm not picky, but the only people who can get away with calling me 'son' or 'boy' are dead or a reporter."

    Robertson gaped at him. "Well, that's a little rude, don't you think?"

    "So is calling a 43-year-old man with multiple doctorates 'boy'. What can I do for you, Mr. Robertson?"

    Robertson's smile was fixed, wooden on his face. "We were hoping to sign you up on a deal. See, for certain changes to your platform, the NRA would offer a certain amount of money. And who isn't interested in that?" Robertson laughed. 

    Vlad slid his sunglasses on and stepped out of the center the debate was held in and into the bright mid-afternoon summer sun. "I'm not the candidate you're looking for, Robertson. Try Lee or Paulson."

    "We're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars!"

    Vlad turned and raked the other man down. "You're wearing an ill-fitting suit, probably mass-produced. Can't be more than $400. Your hair hasn't been touched up in a while, trying to hide the gray? You're wearing a cheap, gold-painted brass ring judging by the green on your finger, and your tie looks like it came from Walmart. You want to talk to me about how much you can give me?" He laughed. "My shoes cost more than everything you're wearing right now. Make a few million a year, then we'll talk about wealth."

    "The NRA doesn't do chump change! You'll regret it!" A now red-faced Robertson shouted after him. 

    "It also doesn't mix with gun control!" He called back, and left. Honestly. A few hundred thousand was what he got every month on stocks alone. 

    Ah, well. Time to kiss hands and shake babies. Or was it the other way around? 

    -

    SpaceBoi has created a group chat! 

    SpaceBoi has named the group chat 'What Is Wrong With Us That We Elect V'

    SpaceBoi has added WitchyGoth, Thegeekshallinherit, ScaryReporter, and CEOFruitloop to the group chat! 

    CEOFruitloop has changed their name to Vlad!

    Vlad has changed the name of the group chat to 'You Elected Me Deal With It'

    SpaceBoi has changed the name of the group chat to 'Dont Tell Me What To Do'

    ScaryReporter changed the name of the group chat to 'Youre Both Pretty Now Stop'

    WitchyGoth has locked 🔒 the name of the group chat!

    Thegeekshallinherit: oh come on, Sam, I wanted to see what an argument with only GC titles would look like. 

    WitchyGoth: aren't you supposed to be in the middle of nowhere with no internet connection? 

    Thegeekshallinherit: lol like that would do more than slow me down. 

    WitchyGoth: fair. Why are we here, Danny? 

    SpaceBoi: poll watching duh. Wayne is going on rn, counting for His Vileness should start in an hour

    Vlad: His Vileness. I like that. I'm going to start signing emails with it. 

    ScaryReporter: it fits. Would you like to confirm or deny the allegations that you are a vile one, Mr. Grinch?

    SpaceBoi: lmaoooo

    Thegeekshallinherit: classic Grinch or live action one?

    ScaryReporter: there was a live action one?

    WitchyGoth: they wouldn't shut up about it. Ms. Who is super hot. I don't think they watched any other part of the movie. 

    SpaceBoi: why would I I hate christmas

    ScaryReporter: aren't kids supposed to love Christmas at your age?

    WitchyGoth: Ms. Chin PLEASE dont get him started on Christmas I am not of legal drinking age and he makes me want to drink

    Thegeekshallinherit: blame his parents

    SpaceBoi: fine no comment. 

    Vlad: here. Bribes. (3 Pictures enclosed)

    ScaryReporter: 2 kittens?! You're giving me one right?

    Vlad: your landlord won't allow pets, remember? 

    Thegeekshallinherit: that sucks

    SpaceBoi: want a ghost cat? I can give you the one Cujo chases all the time 

    ScaryReporter: hate my landlord

    ScaryReporter: I want nothing to do with ghosts

    SpaceBoi: well this is awkward

    WitchyGoth: THIS is how you choose to do it?

    SpaceBoi: please dont call the ghostbusters on me Ms. Chin, they would probably fight my parents

    Vlad: REALLY? 

    SpaceBoi: you said you already told her and Tim? Anyway i didn't say anything about you

    Thegeekshallinherit: buddy u just did

    ScaryReporter: YOU FUCKER ARE YOU THE GODDAMN WISCONSIN GHOST?!?!

    SpaceBoi: no im Phantom

    Vlad: (picture enclosed)

    Vlad: oops? To be fair, that was 90% Jack

    ScaryReporter: OOPS?!

    SpaceBoi: uh oh. Sorry? I thought she knew

    Vlad: told her some of the properties of ectoplasm, not that I was DEAD Daniel

    Vlad: Harriet, I can explain

    Thegeekshallinherit: is this a bad time to mention Wayne lost but Dent died, so it's going to an unknown? 

    WitchyGoth: Yeah probably

    Vlad: Harriet? 

    Vlad: please tell me she doesn't have ghost weapons

    SpaceBoi: it's Ms. Chin. 

    Vlad: tell your father I hate him and your mother she should wear tank tops that show off her arms more often

    SpaceBoi: I will do neither of those things

    Thegeekshallinherit: 🤣🤣🤣

    Thegeekshallinherit: song at your funeral? 

    Vlad: something completely inapropriate. Also, hire strippers. If Harriet murders me I want my funeral to be pretty

    ScaryReporter: take the shield down Vlad

    Vlad: no

    ScaryReporter: take it down or those spring break photos go to CNN

    WitchyGoth: i feel like I'm in a live chat horror movie

    SpaceBoi: is this the part where we start screaming don't do it? 

    ScaryReporter: take the OTHER shield down. Both shields. All shields. We need to have a TALK

    Vlad: your father is not allowed at my funeral. Buy top shelf whisky and pour it in my casket, then set it on fire

    WitchyGoth: why not just cremate you? 

    Vlad: were you not listening? I want strippers. 

    Vlad: shields are down, a copy of my will is in my lab. Danny, it's in the walls, you'll need to get it. Samantha, take care of my cats.

    WitchyGoth: do you think he's joking about the strippers? 

    ScaryReporter: no. 

    SpaceBoi: ok so count is almost done for Wisconsin. Still alive? 

    Thegeekshallinherit: he's been dead for like 20 years

    SpaceBoi: you know what I meant

    WitchyGoth: i think he's dead dead. We've been on read for 30 minutes

    Thegeekshallinherit: I'll try to find strippers. Are there strippers in Wisconsin or do you have to go to like Vegas or something? 

    Vlad: you can get strippers in wisconsin. I am not dead, thanks to the mercy and wisdom of HarriEt chin. Long may her Peaceful reign last, and May shE reign eternal

    Thegeekshallinherit: 🤣🤣🤣

    ScaryReporter: did you just send a HELP ME message and bury it in strippers and nonsense. Frankly I'm shocked you don't want the Green Bay Packers there. 

    Vlad: if you can figure out how to buy the Green Bay Packers, any of you, there is a SUBSTANTIAL reward. 

    Thegeekshallinherit: how much r we talking ?

    Vlad: how would you like to go to a 4 year ivy league college and not have to worry about scholarships? 

    Thegeekshallinherit: I'll do some research and get back to you. In the meantime, what's the scores? 

    SpaceBoi: Vlad u won by a 69% margin. Nice

    Thegeekshallinherit: nice

    WitchyGoth: omg seriously? Nice

    Vlad: is this a meme I'm not getting? 

    ScaryReporter. No because you're a washed up jackass. Nice. 

    Vlad: I'm telling Pepper Potts on you

    ScaryReporter: doesn't she hate you? 

    Vlad: oh please, hating me is the first step to loving me. We know this. Who here started off hating me, or did at one time? 

    Vlad: I'll go first ✋🏻

    Thegeekshallinherit: I'm dying over here ✋🏿

    WitchyGoth: if only all of us could be so confident ✋🏻

    SpaceBoi: ✋🏼🤛

    ScaryReporter: ✋🖕💢💥💥💥

    Vlad: and now which ones of us loves me? Harriet stop hitting me please you'll wake the cats

    SpaceBoi: are you sitting next to each other using a gc? 

    SpaceBoi: aren't you too old for that old man? 

    Vlad: ✋🏼

    Vlad: do you want me to wake up a cat and 2 kittens? I don't think so. 

    Thegeekshallinherit: reluctantly, begrudgingly, sort of ✋🏿

    WitchyGoth: i feel like our relationship is transactional, but why not? ✋🏻

    ScaryReporter: fuck you

    Vlad: not on the group chat, there are minors. 

    SpaceBoi: ✋🏻😂 I'm dying here

    SpaceBoi: oh wait

    Thegeekshallinherit: dammit Danny

    ScaryReporter: ✋ you are an ass though

    Vlad: oh no question 

    -

    "Multi-billionaire Senator Vlad Masters passes the so-called 'Empty Lot law'. It's been headline news, and Conservatives have ridiculed it since it passed. Senator Masters, can you please tell us more about this?"

    "Absolutely, Ms. Chin. Would you believe it came from my Godson's friend, Samantha Manson?"

    "Really?"

    "Yes, and a special you did on homelessness a while ago. Well, Ms. Manson was complaining about empty homes and apartments that have been vacant for years due to unnecessarily high costs. I started working on it- of course, with help from my PR team and the good people of the Wisconsin law community."

    "There's been a lot of confusion and anger about what it really entails. Is it true that it's meant to put realtors out of business?"

    "Hardly! In fact, realtors should be busier than ever. The Empty Lot law is actually two laws, put together. The first is an incentive program for landlords. For every year their properties are empty fewer than 30 days, they'll receive a 10% discount on property taxes for it. However, there is a $300 charge, paid to the state, for every 3 months a liveable home remains empty."

    "The second part of that relates to the first; every year, a landlord must have every property examined and, if needed, repaired to keep it liveable. If they refuse inspections for longer than 1 year, charges will double, and do so every year."

    "So this is to reward landlords for keeping rent prices fair to the area, and maintaining good homes for their renters?"

    "Exactly. The biggest critics are those who own property and live out of state, or megacorporations."

    "Why would they be upset?" She asked. "Does it have anything to do with the tax reform laws you're working on now?"

    He laughed. "Oh, almost certainly! But the reason is that, despite not living in the state or being a singular person, they are still required to pay the same surcharge. An elderly person renting out their old home and a massive corporation worth millions are treated the same, to make sure commercial entities aren't able to dodge the charges."

    "What does that mean for renters? The average American who lives in an apartment, on a lot, or in a house they don't own?" Harriet asked. 

    "Within a year, maybe less, rent is going to start coming down, because the landlords either won't want to or won't be able to keep excess properties. You rent, correct?"

    "I do," she replied. 

    "How many times have you had something that made your property unliveable, even temporarily, like a hole in the roof, a broken window, a furnace or heater that didn't work in winter?"

    "That's fairly common, especially in older buildings," she replied, "probably dozens of times, especially in college."

    He nodded sagely. "Me too, back in those days. Once you notify your landlord in writing, they have 10 days to schedule an inspection to find the problem. At day 11, you notify your county, and they'll take care of it, for a fee- paid by your landlord, not you. If a repair takes longer than 5 business days after that, they are responsible for seeing you housed- again, at no charge to you for up to 90 days- until it's fixed. After those 90 days, you can terminate your lease with no reprecussions to you- or your credit score," he answered. 

    "So long story short- your average Joe will be able to afford a better home, or maybe be able to rent for the first time. If something catastrophic happens, the landlord has to fix it, and as long as you didn't cause it, they can't take it out of your security deposit. Finally, the average person knows they must legally be taken care of in case the worst happens."

    "A question we've been getting is this: won't this put landlords out of business?"

    "It depends, really. Do they manage their properties well? Are they charging fair prices or rent that would gut the average person? Are they responsible?" He asked. "For a lot of landlords, sure- they may need to sell their extra properties, especially if they haven't been maintained in years. For the remainder, however, there's likely to be a boom in business, if they're good landowners."

    "Thank you, Mr. Masters. Everyone, we're out of time today, but tune in next week for-"

Chapter Text

    "Breaking news for the United States of America: new laws have been passed, approved by President Stark himself! Only companies and individuals who pay taxes within the United States will be able to own property. What does that mean, Lukas?"

    "Thank you, Morrigan. Already, we've started seeing massive boosts to the US economy. Corporations are having to either pay US taxes- or sell all their US properties. This has, in turn, caused land and property prices to plummet, enabling new American-owned small businesses to start up at a rate we haven't seen since the end of World War II."

    Vlad smiled at the news, pleased; he'd already snatched up several steel mills and industrial plants at insane prices to expand DalvCo. He'd been able to fulfill a 10-year buying plan in less than 1. 

    In a more personal success, he'd managed to buy up thousands of private properties, repair them, make them run entirely on clean energy, and rent them for dirt cheap. He was taking a loss now, money-wise, but gaining more in PR than he could've ever hoped for two years ago. 

    Besides, he'd be rolling in money relatively soon if the plans he'd planted in several of his fellow senators, governors, and representatives worked out. Planting ideas was a tricky thing- to avoid possessing someone and showing his hand, it had to be done repeatedly, in ways that made the person think it was their idea. 

    He couldn't be the first to suggest it- it would be too obvious. So now, he waited impatiently for one of his fellows to call, e-mail, or Tweet him. Was it Twitter at him or Tweet at him? He had a slew of teenagers to ask, but he'd never live it down. 

    He'd also started selling stocks in companies he felt wouldn't last the turmoil, and investing in farms, grocery stores, pet food and vet stores, and manufacturing- things that would last. And, crucially, he'd become the main shareholder of DalvCo, securing his place. 

    He poured himself a glass of fine bourbon from the crystal decanter nearby and, as a bit of a reward, tipped a little ultra-purified ectoplasm in. Mm. "What do you think, Princess?" The cat stopped in her aggressive grooming of the young kittens in front of her long enough to meow and drop the calico in his lap. 

    He chuckled. "Your hair is worse than that boy's, I swear, Taco." Then he sighed. "Why did I let Harriet name you before lunch?" 

    Taco proceeded to make biscuits on his chest, and he joined the purring. Why have a ghost core that purred if he didn't use it on occasion? 

    -

    "A question that cultures have been asking since there were cultures: where do we go, when we die? Our special guest, Ghost King Phantom, can answer a little of that."

    -

    "You."

    "Me," he replied, pleased at the wary accusation. "Wait, what did I do?" That you know about, he mentally added. 

    "You did something. You've been wearing that smug plotting look for weeks. What did you do?"

    "I don't know what you're talking about."

    Harriet narrowed her eyes and leaned over his desk, poking him in the chest. "I'm onto you. You cloned Phantom- or Danny, or whatever he's going by today, didn't you?"

    Oh, it wasn't the dream invasions, good. Hold on a minute. "No, I didn't." 

    "Look!" She exclaimed and slammed down several pictures of Danny- or, at least, a flying boy that looked a lot like Danny. 

    He frowned and pulled out his reading glasses. "Oh hold on, Ms. Chin, I may be a villain, but I'm not a sloppy one. Look at the red eyes, the angle of the chin- that's not a clone of Daniel, or at least not a good one."

    "I love that's the part you deny," she said dryly. "Wanna commit a crime?"

    "Are we on record?"

    "Nope. But if that's not from your Metropolis facility, I know whose it is," she answered. Her grin was bloodthirsty. "I think it's about time I get that one-on-one with Luthor, and I know a ghost who can help."

    He smiled back, equally vicious. "Harriet, has anyone told you that you're exceptionally lovely when you're out for blood?"

    "Thanks. Free up your weekend, we're doing a B&E."

    "Yes ma'am."

    -

    Tuesday morning had Vlad expecting many things: the clone they'd kidnapped rescued from Luthor should be waking up any time. Luthor should find out just what a federal prison looked like- and how it felt to be interrogated by a woman stepping on your chest in high heels. 

    Why, exactly, had he never demanded any of his interviews go like that? Shame Harriet wasn't a fan of men.

    He had not expected to find Daniel and the clone eating his cereal. "Hey, fruitloop! Stealing your food."

    "I see that. How are you feeling?"

    Danny blinked. "That's weirdly nice of you to ask. Well, I got some stargazing done last night, so-"

    "Not you, Daniel."

    "Oh. Uh, my name's Kon. Kon El." The clone- Kon- said, looking nervously between the grumbling boy and the older man. "I have no idea, honestly. I just know I'm supposed to find Superman."

    "Huh. I mean, we can call him."

    "Harriet already did a few days ago, when she and Plasmius took down Luthor." Vlad said. "Kon will be staying with me for a while- if, of course, that's fine with you, and you have a safe place to go if it isn't."

    He knew the child didn't- it was the perfect non-choice to force a decision. Danny stuck his tongue out at him, used to his tricks. "Um. What about Superman? Is he... He's coming for me, right?"

    Oh, that conversation had been- well. Superman certainly wasn't coming for him for anything other than needing more firepower in case of emergency. "He knows where you are, and who you're with," Vlad replied instead. "Surely, you agree it would be safest for you somewhere Luthor can't get his hands on you, until he's in prison- for real, this time?"

    Daniel narrowed his eyes but made sure his expression was open and friendly when Kon looked at him. "You know, I could stick around for a bit, probably. Summer break started yesterday, and I'd like to avoid my parent's annual trip to Aunt Alicia's. Red Huntress has Amity Park covered for now, since the portal's closed until they come back."

    "I- I guess that would be nice? Do you know when Superman is coming, though? Even if it's just a rough idea?" Kon cleared his throat. "He's sort of my dad."

    That clearly threw Daniel for a loop- and him too, to be honest. "I'm afraid not, but I'll see what I can do about hurrying the process along."

    -

    Kon El was a difficulty, Vlad decided, though not because of the boy himself. After all, he and Daniel could more than match him, and teach him how to control his powers. No, it was a difficulty because of the so-called hero, Superman. 

    -

    "Senator Masters, can I talk to you for a few minutes, about an idea of mine?" Asked Senator Gregors from Michigan. 

    "Of course! What can I help you with?"

    "Well, I had this idea. It's a little controversial, to say the least, but you've got experience with the controversial!"

    "Oh? Now, you've got me curious."

    "It's about minimum wage laws and rent prices," Senator Gregors began, and he smiled. 

    "Tell me more."

    -

    "We need to find your clone," Batman insisted. "He has the potential to destroy millions, and you're doing nothing to find him for nearly six weeks."

    This had been going on for nearly an hour- thank you, Kryptonite painted doors- before he finally broke. "I know where he is. I just can't take care of him, and he's with someone who helped take him from Luthor. I've been told he's safe, and that's enough."

    "How do you know he's safe?" Wonder Woman asked cooly. "As much as I detest Luthor for doing this, he gave the clone the backstory of being your son. What does he think, now that you're not even trying to know him?"

    "He's with a guy named Masters."

    "He wouldn't happen to be a senator, would he?" Red Robin interrupted. 

    "I know he's some kind of politician in Wisconsin," Superman replied uncertainly. 

    He nodded. "Batman, I think I know where he is. Even better, as a civilian, I've got a standing invitation to visit. I'll look into it."

    "Thank you," the older man replied. 

    "Of course. I had the feeling a mysterious illegitimate son with no real history was a little sketchy."

    Batman nodded, realizing from their earlier conversation what, exactly, was happening. 

    "Wait, he claimed Kon?" Superman asked. 

    Red Robin scowled. "Exactly how else would he become a legal guardian?"

    -

    "Tim, hi!" Harriet greeted. "It's great to see you!"

    "You too, Ms. Chin," he said cheerfully. "Mr. Masters said I could bring the family, let me introduce you to my father, Bruce Wayne."

    "Wonderful to meet you, Ms. Chin."

    "Likewise, Mr. Wayne. Well, nothing happening in this castle Vlad calls a house gets into the news unless it's good PR, so you don't have to worry about me interviewing you for now."

    Bruce laughed, completely in his Brucie persona. "That's great! Well, I wouldn't mind a chat later on. I really can't wait to meet the baby, though!"

    Tim flushed and cleared his throat, trying not to laugh- sometimes Bruce did friendly and oblivious too well. "Connor's 16, dad."

    "Oh! Well, get my age, and that's still a baby," he laughed, and entered. 

    Immediately, his connection to Oracle stopped- something Tim warned might happen. Apparently, Masters was serious about security and very good at it. "Vlad, Connor, Danny- your guests are here!"

    Kon winced and buried his head further between his knees to block out the sound. He whined when his half-dead icepack removed his hands from his forehead. "What are we going to do?" Danny breathed. It sounded like a series of gunshots. 

    His dad- Vlad. No matter how long he was here, or what backstory they cooked up, Vlad was not his father. Superman was. But Vlad was the one who had, a few minutes ago, put up the glowing sound-dampening barrier, not Superman. Vlad was the one who, every time a sensory overload happened, helped him through it, even if he had to make a duplicate- not Superman.

    The sound of a phone being removed was nauseating, though the device was on silent, the tapping was painful. 

    Then, Danny was gone, and a cat was placed in his lap. Purring on his legs, and a heavier purr behind his head. The vibrations, oddly enough, were rather soothing, and he tried to tune out the whispered conversation below. 

    -

    "Hey, Danny, where's Vlad and Kon..nor?"

    "He has bad sensory overloads sometimes, so Vlad had to put down the noise shield. Wanna go talk outside of it?"

    "Will he be okay?" That was a young man's voice. His heartbeat was steady, not as steady as the man next to him, his shoes squeaked, and-

    "You're right here, Kon. Focus on here. You know, I bet Cheesestick would like you to pet him."

    -

    "So, I'm going to fight Superman, who's with me?" Harriet asked. 

    "I'm always down for violence, especially in this case," Danny agreed. 

    "Batman? Red Robin?"

    Bruce recovered nearly instantly. "You know them? Oh my goodness!"

    She narrowed her eyes. "Unlike some people whose existence defies the very laws of nature, you two weren't hard to figure out. And Brucie? Might want to hide the Batarang better."

    Hell. He must've forgotten it was in these pockets, and he looked to find- nothing. 

    Harriet raised an eyebrow. "Ms. Chin, can you please teach me how to do that?" Danny pled. 

    "I can try, buddy. Also-" she reached up and tugged at Bruce's shirt, which had come partially undone. "Most people don't have cowls attached to their undershirts."

    His kids were never going to let him live this down. Especially Cass.

    -

    Harriet opened a new group chat- this time just for her, Danny, Vlad, and Kon. 

    ScaryReporter: Hey guys, Danny and I are taking Bruce & Tim out on the town so you can rest. Feel better soon! 

    SpaceBoi: I left more special ice packs in the downstairs freezer. 

    Vlad: Thank you both. 

    Bruce cleared his throat. "We, ah, need to change. If we're taking you to HQ."

    "Sure! Hey, in the meantime, do you have his civilian parents' phone number?"

    "I won't give it to you for obvious reasons," Tim replied. "But why?"

    "I need you to call them. Cry a little about how their baby boy was cloned, but the clone thinks he's his dad, and ask if they have any parenting tips. Vlad's this close to kidnapping Supes and pulling a Luthor."

    "Ooh, chaos. I'm down."

     Bruce sighed. 

    -

    ScaryReporter: Hey! Have some advice for you, & you may be getting old people visitors soon

    ScaryReporter: Icy saltwater baths for noise problems. Lavender for smell problems. If he starts hiccupping lasers, make him some hot cocoa. 

    Vlad: I have no idea how you found that out, but thank you. You're in my will. 

    ScaryReporter: 🙂 tell Kon his grandparents can't wait to see him. They're super nice omg

    Vlad: I will. Thank you, Harriet. Just for that- deleting & burning to ashes any pictures I may have kept from that summer break in Cali. 

    ScaryReporter: You kept those??

    Vlad: Not anymore

    Harriet: I'm going to get you the ugliest best dad ever stuff I can find. 

    Vlad: I look forward to it.

Chapter Text

    "Can I- I'm sorry," the nice old woman said, withdrawing her hand. 

    "It's ok, I think?" Kon said. "You can, like, touch me. I won't break."

    He was expecting a touch on the shoulder, not the tight bear hug. "You look just like Clark at that age," she said. 

    "Never thought we'd get any grandkids!" The old man said cheerfully. 

    "I don't know if I'd qualify for that title," he said bitterly. It'd been months since the disastrous conversation between him and his father. 

    (You weren't supposed to exist, I'm sorry. 

    That's not my fault! I just want to understand why I am the way I am.

    You're not a Kryptonian, Kon. I don't have any answers for you.)

    She patted him on the cheek, tears in her eyes. "Oh, honey. Sometimes kids make mistakes. That's what grandparents are for."

    Vlad cleared his throat. "If I may make a suggestion? Why don't you show the Kents around? Maybe they'd like to see some of the things you're interested in."

    "Absolutely, Connor. We'd love that."

    Vlad smiled, and once they turned the corner, Kon laughing for the first time in weeks, it turned vicious. Better father than Superman- even according to the hero's parents. Ha! 

    "Hey dad, can I show Mr. Kent the football room?"

    He tried not to crow in glee, though his obsession made it difficult. "Absolutely, son. Have fun!"

    -

    "Hey, old man! Where's Kon?" Danny asked. He wrinkled his nose as the smell of bacon and ectoplasm hit his nose. 

    "Showing around his grandparents," he said, pleased. "Finally have a son- I should know, I kidnapped him myself!"

    Danny groaned. "For the last time, fruitloop, that's not how adoption works. And technically, didn't you and Ms. Chin rescue him?"

    "Hush, boy, I'm a villain."

    -

    "Tell us about the Living Wage act that was recently passed by Congress."

    Senator Gregors smiled. "Of course! It was my idea originally, but everyone else soon started seeing benefits- except a few holdouts, of course. The 100 lowest-paying hourly jobs in any given area are averaged, and rent prices are tied to it. If wages go up, rent can go up. Of course, that's just for basic, small apartments, and rent prices also reflect the area, but now there's a scale to it."

    "This has gotten a lot of flack, what are the main defenses against those who say it's unfair to businesses or property owners?"

    "As you know, I'm a Libertarian. I'm inclined to let the landlords and businesses fight it out. But the basic idea is this: minimum wage increases are at a 50-year low, while inflation is at a 40-year high. This act protects the average citizen, and allows them to hopefully have a little disposable income to put back into the economy."

    "How did you come up with-"

    *click*. "Astral projection and a malevolent ghost," Vlad grumbled. 

    "Republican presidential nominee for president last year, Trump, insists on another recount of votes, and that the election was sto,-"

    *click* "Kill him later."

    "Do you think there's any truth to the idea that Senator Masters has a son?"

    "I don't think so, Joseph, we've rarely seen the two together, and-"

    "It's called maintaining the privacy of a minor." He turned the TV onto Netflix and selected a horror movie. Hmm. If only- no. Loud noises and flashing lights weren't ideal for Kon. He'd think of something. 

    -

    The phone rang and, having become used to callers from various political parties, he picked up. "Good evening, Vlad Masters speaking."

    A cleared throat. "Hi there. This is Superman." 

    He laughed. "Original for a prank caller, I'll give you that!" He hung up. 

    "What even is this? Greek?!" Kon asked in exasperation. 

    Vlad looked over and sighed. "Dear Ancients, I hated Trig. Wait, why do they have you doing trig, you're supposed to be in Algebra I?"

    "Um. The tutor said I could test out of them if I wanted. 1 and 2, I mean."

    "That's wonderful!"

    "It's not too freaky? Like definitely not human freaky?"

    Ah, that was the problem. "By 24, I had two PhDs and finished the 3rd a few years later. I started college at about 17, with co-op classes. My sister, may she rest in peace, was even smarter. Trust me, Kon, anybody who notices that will think you inherited it, fair and square."

    -

    "The Stark-Wayne-Masters Law is quite the event, and something you'd been working on for a few years now, correct?"

    "It has," he agreed, and tried to disregard the nausea building in his stomach. "We've been calling it SWM for short. It's involved a lot of pushback, but we're very pleased to announce its passing."

    "The SWM Law was a joint effort between President Stark, both Bruce Wayne and Tim Drake, myself, and the Ghost King. It repeals several anti-mutant, anti-meta, and anti-ecto acts, guarantees mutants, metas, and everyone else the same civil rights, and provides laws and rules for how organizations and police departments interact with these subsets of people."

    He felt his fangs starting to make an appearance, and made sure to smile with his mouth closed. "Rumor has it that there's a law specifically to address the Mutant Registration Act, and-"

    Tim Drake: Hi Ms. Chin, is Mr. Masters ok? He looks a little sick on the news. 

    Harriet Chin: Sorry Mr. Drake, now isn't a good time. For now, please plan around Vlad. We don't want to stress him. 

    Tim Drake: Understood, I'll call later. 

    -

    "So what's happening?" Tim asked when he got Harriet on the phone. 

    "Can you please tell your coworker to back off? If he shows up here again, he might just get possessed by an angry ghost."

    "Wait, Clark was supposed to call," he said. "Show up?"

    Harriet made an agreeing noise. "Someone decided to introduce himself as Superman, I guess not thinking of how many prank calls start like that. Anyway, he made Kon cry-"

    "I didn't cry!" Tim heard in the background. 

    "Of course not, sweetie! I broke my favorite wine glass on his face, and Vlad threatened to politically nuke him in ways Luthor could only dream of."

    "That part's true!"

    "Kon, do you want me to just put this on speakerphone?" Harriet asked with a laugh. "You're only a little less nosy than Vlad."

    "Sorry, Aunt Harriet."

    Aunt Harriet? 

    "Did you say you broke a wine glass in Superman's face?"

    "Three," Kon corrected.

    "Sounds like he deserved it. I'll try Ms. Chin, but my coworkers are trying real hard to get Clark to recruit him."

    "Ugh. Fucking assholes."

    "Language, Harriet! There's a child present!"

    "See? What'd I tell you? Only a little less nosy."

    "You're one to talk," Vlad called, and Tim laughed. 

    "Bye, guys. I'll see what I can do," Tim promised. 

    -

    "Wayne industries rolls out a new program called Kids Eat Free this month. It uses donations from wealthy citizens to pay for school lunches, from kindergarten through college. It's also lobbying for states to make this a requirement, so students everywhere aren't eating on an empty stomach."

    "After months of silence, Stark Industries releases a new cast system that costs less and is more effective than traditional plaster ones, and a new line of prosthetics! They're currently working on a system to detect cancer cells as well, though work on that has slowed down since Tony Stark officially left the company to become US President."

    "Speaking of presidents- former candidate Donald Trump has been in a terrible accident last week. He's currently in critical condition, with no word on if he will recover."

    "More news today about Senator and DalvCo CEO, Vlad Masters and his illegitimate son, Connor Kent! It turns out, Connor may not be Mr. Masters', but rather his nephew, as his sister died tragically 16 years ago, while pregnant.

    Connor's last name has been legally changed to Masters, and sources reveal the young man has even been added to the billionaire's will. So far, all attempts at interviewing Connor have been blocked until the teenager turns 18."

    -

    Red Robin choked at the images. "What? It's not as bad as I thought it would be, it's just a few pictures of them going shopping and a name change." Superman said. 

    "Are you kidding? Batman, please tell me he's kidding."

    "I don't get it," Flash said.

    "He's setting something up," Wonder Woman supplied. "I'm not sure what, though."

    "Masters had a sister who died a while back, and she was pregnant at the time," Batman added. "If Superman comes to claim Kon publicly, Masters can frame a narrative saying he abandoned his son and his sister."

    "Exactly. Look at this article- perfect sob story, rare bone disease, needed a transplant, found out Kon was his assumed long-dead nephew. And of course, immediately taking in the boy and raising him gives him a lot of clout with evangelicals and low and middle classes. Even the conservatives and libertarians that hate him are eating it up."

    "So what if Clark Kent does?"

    Tim frowned. "Superman has saved the world how many times? People will still love him, even if he's problematic. Kent? He's a reporter who never looked for his kid. They'll eat you alive."

    "Is he safe?" Wonder Woman asked. "Kon likely doesn't know his own strength yet, and may endanger Masters."

    "He's a meta," Batman lied, "I've seen him in action. They'll be fine." 

    He had seen them in action- though as 'Brucie🌸~', not as Batman. Anyone that could survive being cut in half with eye lasers and having an arm removed without more than a flinch would likely be alright. 

    "And you trust him?" Superman pressed. 

    "Not in the least," he answered honestly, "but he doesn't intend harm to Kon or to turn him to supervillainy."

    -

    "Now, let's work on names and a costume, so you can join the family business."

    "You mean management?" Kon asked. 

    "Supervillainy," Vlad replied. 

    "Hey, Supervillain! Wayne and Stark want to talk to you about rescuing people in forest fires." Harriet shouted. 

    "I'll be right there- remember, do evil!"

    Kon cocked his head to his side and pulled out his phone. 

    Konnor: Is it just me, or is dad a little crazy? 

    SpaceBoi: there's a reason we call him fruitloop

    Thegeekshallinherit: Is he telling you to be evil?

    Konnor: yep

    WitchyGoth: just tell him you're being a hero to manipulate people into liking & supporting you. It's what he does. 

    ScaryReporter: He's just a little crazy, Kon. It's fine. If he bugs you about it, just say 'Winter Vacation, Ski Lodge, 1996'. I promise it'll shut him up.

    SpaceBoi: or remind him of the time I leaked his nudes

    Konnor: you WHAT

    ScaryReporter: oh yeah I forgot you did that. I'll tell you about it later. Just never look up Vlad Masters Shower with safe search off. 

    Konnor: this family is insane

    WitchyGoth: It's not too late to become a Manson. We're worse but in entirely different ways. 

    Konnor: ???

    Thegeekshallinherit: think less Addams Family and more Stepford Wives

    Konnor: NO

    -

    "Hey, Mrs. Kent, I hope I'm not disturbing you guys?" Kon asked nervously. 

    Summer was over, so Danny was back in Amity Park. Dad- Vlad- was in another interview, Aunt Harriet was doing said interview, and his homeschooling wouldn't start for two more days. He effectively had a castle to himself. 

    "No, Connor, not at all. Farm days start early, Johnathan's already out milking the cows," she said cheerfully. "Besides, I thought I told you to call anytime! Now how are you, honey?"

    "I'm doing pretty good, thanks. How is the...hay and stuff?"

    Martha laughed, but it wasn't mean. "The hay and the rest of the farm are just fine. What can I do for you, kiddo?"

    "How did my fa- Clark learn how to control his strength? Because sometimes it's fine, and sometimes, I-" rip off a half-ghosts arm or tear the door off a car, "do damage to stuff."

    "You know, Connor, you can call Clark your father. It won't make Vlad any less your dad, those are two different things sometimes," she said warmly, before beginning to speak about an incident with Clark and an old tractor. 

    The conversation didn't clear up much about his super-accidents, but it did (somewhat) answer a few questions about the unintentional floating and give him some (very) embarrassing blackmail against Superman if needed. 

    And got rid of a little of the guilt of slipping up and calling Vlad 'dad'- especially since neither of his (sort of?) biological grandparents minded. 

    There was a difference between a father and a dad, sometimes. And it was okay for Superman to be his father...without invalidating Vlad as his dad. 

    And, well, he was promised he could pet a bunch of fluffy cows and goats when he visited, which was great. 

    "Mrow?"

    "No, Larry, I'm not abandoning you for a farm. Chill."

    "Brrt?"

    "Look, you'll have to get Cheesestick to help you with that, I can't put my hand through a wall without damage, and- oh no. I'm talking to the cats now."

    Larry cocked his ginger head to one side, tongue half out. He then headbutted the wall where the treats were held. "Sorry, Larry," he laughed and scratched the cat's head. "Maybe later, big guy."

    -

    "Hey."

    "How did you get in my office, Stark?" Vlad asked in amusement. "Care for a drink? I've got water, coffee, tea," he skipped over the floating blob ghosts, "some of those disgusting health drinks my team thinks I need."

    Stark going into the State Capital of Wisconsin, as US President, would be fairly easy. His office in the Dalv Co building, however, was far more secure. Red in particular- although many of his employees would- would have no problem turning the leader of the country away. 

    "Your secretary is super mean. Can I hire her? I want one." Stark gushed, "and thanks. I'll do the water. I don't trust the green shit."

    "Fair," he agreed and tossed him a bottle of water. "I've heard about that business with your former team. Quite a shame."

    He snorted. "Never thought Martian Manhunter, Wonder Woman, Superman, and Batman would be hunting down Captain America, the Winter Soldier, the Black Widow, that Maximoff bitch, Hawkeye, and a bug man," he complained, "but at least Rhodey, Wasp, Vision, the Black Panther, and Spiderman are getting some time to work together before the next damn alien invasion."

    Vlad shook his head. "Let me know if they end up needing help with that. I have contacts in other countries that might be able to help you."

    "Unless you can get Ross out of my ass, not really. Thanks, though."

    "I'll see what I can do about it. I've got a few contingency plans specifically for him, believe it or not. I'd have thought he'd leave you be, as leader of the free world?"

    Tony toasted him with his water. "I fuckin wish. No, that asshole has decided to make me his punching bag, and we've got enough of the conservative nuts in the military I can't just get rid of him."

    The halfa chuckled. "Reminds me of a ghost I've met the acquaintance of, Walker. But tell me, you've never sought me out without a buffer in the form of Ms. Potts or Colonel Rhodes."

    "You're not one to talk," the other man retorted. "You've always got your scary reporter friend or between one and four terrifying children."

    "Tucker's still over the moon about hacking FRIDAY. He said he had a birthday present for you, by the way, that involves AI."

    "Why is that kid getting me a present? I haven't done a single thing for him," Tony wondered aloud. 

    Vlad tilted his head back and groaned. "Ah, I wish I knew. It's like these kids are in a different universe."

    "No kidding. They're like little aliens. Sometimes they're nice, sometimes they're assholes, and no type of science can explain them."

    "Mm. I keep trying to explain the concept of having favors, blackmail, and debts owed to you being a good thing, you know. All of them but Connor seem to get it. That boy is too kind for the world we live in."

    Daniel, Samantha, and Tucker had been exposed to the Ghost Zone a little too frequently to keep that innocence.

   "On one hand," Stark mused, "you want to protect that, yeah? That innocence? But on the other, what if they have to learn from somebody worse than you?"

    "Mm. That is the question, isn't it?" He asked idly. "But tell me, President Stark, you didn't come all the way to Wisconsin to talk about parenting with me, did you?"

    "No. No, it was for something else. Wish it wasn't."

    "Mm. How can I help you?"

    "I'm getting a lot of pressure to issue executive pardons already. I need somebody who isn't necessarily affiliated with Stark Industries to make the public think it's a bad idea. And I need somebody who'll play just as dirty as Romanoff."

    "I can see why you didn't go to Drake or Wayne, then," he mused. "Mm. I can make the public hate every single one of them, to the point where even the most conservative of people is willing to grab a gun when they see them. But are you ready for the fallout?"

    "And what would that be?" He asked warily. 

    Vlad smiled. "I've grown to like you, Stark. Not to worry, I won't nuke you or your company. But it will involve your actions in D.C., when Mr. America and Ms. Romanoff took down the triskelion and doxxed thousands of employees."

    Stark scowled. "You won't doxx them again, will you? It's been years, and some of them are only now getting back to any kind of normalcy."

    "No, of course not. After all, you did nothing but clean-up as your dear teammates didn't even inform you of the impending disaster."

    "So Iron Man comes out on top, the rogues get their reputation tossed in the trash, and I get a bunch of people asking me why I didn't control them, as if I was their mother," Stark surmised. 

    "Exactly," he agreed. 

    "And what do you want for your help?"

    "Nothing extreme," he said. "An agreement with me, personally and as CEO and President of Dalv Co, to assist if a similar situation comes up for me in the future, and an agreement to keep SI out of Wisconsin, Iowa, Illinois, Michigan, and North Dakota. Personal visits are fine."

    Tony nodded. "I can agree to that. It's a big job for something that doesn't even affect the company yet," he hinted. 

    Vlad chuckled, a bloodthirsty smile on his face, and not for the first time, Tony thought the man might make for a scary villain. "As you know, Connor isn't biologically mine. His father is trying to get a little too involved and thinks sentiments for heroes are too unchangeable for him to worry. I get to teach him a lesson by proxy."

    "I can get behind that. Reminds me of something I saw on the web: we've raised children too good for this world. Shame the same can't be said of our fathers."

    "Oh, I like that. I'll start playing immediately- keep an eye out for the oncoming storm."

    "Got it. Have fun, glowstick."

    "Oh, I will. I will."

Chapter Text

    "I'd like to make a deal."

    Vlad raised an eyebrow, the effect useless against the girl on the phone. "Oh? And what, pray tell, is that?"

    "I've got three things to help win over libertarians and conservatives, if I can get a car out of it."

    Vlad frowned. "Is your hoverboard broken? It's the rear ballast, isn't it? I always knew it was wonky," he griped, then winced at how concerned he sounded. 

    "Um. No." Valerie sounded just as disconcerted as he was. "It's still working. I just need to commute to college, and ghost hunting isn't exactly a reliable job. So I need a regular car. Or an electric one."

    "Ah. Understood. What would you like to tell me?"

    "If you released the nonlethal stun guns and did a trade- bringing in a lethal to get a nonlethal and some cash, you'd appease the people who don't like killing but believe in guns for self-defense," she said, "and you can tie taxes to ownership- the more you own, the more you pay."

    "Neither of those are bad ideas. And the third?"

    "I don't say a word about where my ghost hunting equipment originally came from, and if anybody presses, I'll say it's from Technus and Plasmius."

    He smiled. "Oh, how I've missed you, Miss Gray. What sharp teeth you have, and all that rot. Have you met my son? He's around your age. Single."

    He could practically hear the eye roll. "You sound like my dad's weird super Christian friend. Hard pass."

    "That's fair," he agreed. "I'll take care of the vehicle, Ms. Gray. Good luck in college, try not to die."

    "Thanks."

    -

    Vlad: Want to come to the red carpet awards? I scored tickets

    Harriet: Sweet! I can't, but I bet you Connor would like them. Or you could drag your new Best Friend. 

    Vlad: Harriet, darling, Tony Stark is NOT my new bff

    Vlad: You're the only one who puts up with me. You know that.

    Harriet: Awwww 💕💕💕💕

    Harriet: Still no, though, I've got to work. 

    Vlad: 💩

    Harriet: 🙄

    Harriet didn't need to work- she had the time off. But there was something she needed to handle. Something that Vlad, Connor, and the other man involved were hopelessly bungling. 

    Connor was too hurt to see the issue objectively, and Vlad was fundamentally incapable of viewing anything objectively besides business. The two didn't seem to understand that Clark- or rather, as she'd realized after some digging and logic- Superman was just as hurt in a different way. 

    This fight couldn't go on; if Vlad escalated further, he'd be causing more problems than he'd solve. And she felt for the alien reporter. What must it be like, to find one day you'd been violated, DNA samples stolen so you could be cloned, and that clone had instructions to kill you? 

    The closest thing she could come to was assault. Perhaps Clark's decision to stay away had been meant as a kindness to both him and Connor. Or it might be cruelty, but she had her doubts.

    The apartment in Metropolis was at the top floor of a rather sketchy neighborhood. She pushed the buzzer for 1201 and waited for a minute. Just as she wondered if she should call on her phone, the front door unlocked. 

    "You can come up," said a tinny voice. Even through the cheap speaker, he sounded tired- far from the cheery Kansas farm boy turned reporter on the news, or the stern but kind Superman seen and heard around the world. 

    She took the rickety elevator to the twelfth floor, then at the end of the hall was 1201. Harriet knocked. Clark Kent answered, and allowed her inside. 

    "Would you like something to drink? I've got coffee, water, tea. I think I might have some- nope. Expired, sorry," the man was nervous, but her attention was caught by the frank exhaustion on his face and the way his hands shook slightly. 

    "Water is fine, thank you," she said, and he returned quickly. Clark gave her a once-over, and familiar now with the way Connor's eyes changed just a little when he used X-ray vision, it didn't take long to figure out what he was looking for. 

    "I'm not wearing a wire," she volunteered. "Everything here isn't between Superman and a nosy reporter, Clark Kent and a peer, or any kind of interview. Just a talk between Clark and Harriet."

    He nodded. "I think it goes without saying that I'd appreciate it if you and Mr. Masters could keep quiet about Superman- if he knows."

    She chuckled. "Mr. Kent, he knows. He's not human either, which you should keep quiet as well."

    There was relief on his face, hastily covered. "So Kon El is safe? He's happy there?"

    Ah. Her suspicions were confirmed at that; he'd meant the abandonment as a sort of kindness. "He is. His dad- Mr. Masters- is going to start teaching him how to fish, soon."

    "That's good. Real good."

    She let Clark remain in his thoughts for a moment. "I've got to ask- it doesn't seem like you want to hurt Connor at all. So why...push him away like that?"

    Clark looked down, and she wondered what he was seeing through the floors. "I can't- no. That's not...," he took a breath. "He didn't ask for Lex to do what he did to me. He didn't ask to be born, or to have fake memories in his head, or anything else like that. It's not his fault. I know that, I do, but. Every time I see him, it's- I don't know, a reminder?"

    He sighed heavily. "That's gotta sound like a bad excuse, miss, but it's all I've got. It's not like what was done to me was violent, I don't even remember it happening. But I can't quite get over it."

    "No," she said softly. "I don't think that at all. I think you did the best you could, by making sure he was safe. It's no secret how your parents got Vlad's personal number."

    He nodded. "I was told- he kept asking for me. And my- well, some of my coworkers wanted me to keep him no matter the personal feelings, so I tried. But I just- I'd get there, and see how much better he was doing without me, and flub it all." 

    "He did," she confirmed, "at the beginning. For what it's worth, I don't think he'd mind having a relationship with you when you're in a better place mentally, but I think I can get him to understand you didn't want to hurt him."

    "That- I think that'd be good," he said quietly. "Can you, uh- can you pass this to him when you see him next? And if you think something needs to be cut out, go for it. I haven't even got Lois to look at the letter yet."

    "Of course. Does she know about the situation?"

    "She does now, yeah."

    "Good," Harriet said. "Onto the second problem: I'll have Red Robin give Batman and the rest of his crew a piece of my mind about what they're doing. I'll also start asking to speak to some of the other members who are giving you trouble, if you'll get me names."

    He flushed, expression caught between grateful and horrified. "You don't need to do that, miss Chin, it's-"

    "Oh no, Clark. You're a little mistaken. It wasn't an offer. If these so-called heroes will do this to you, their friend, what will they do to the 16-year-old victim who drops off her baby at a fire station because she can't take care of it? If you get me names, I'll start with them. If not, I'll work my way down from whoever pisses me off first."

    "Has anyone told you you're a little scary sometimes?"

    She smiled. "Only every day."

    "Thank you," he said with a little laugh. "I'd appreciate it. I don't - people don't usually-" he cut himself off, unsure how to continue. 

    "People don't really do a lot of comforting to the Man of Steel, do they?"

    He huffed. "No ma'am, they sure don't. Not that I ask for it."

    She nodded, then stood. "I'll smooth it over with Vlad, too, so you'll be able to visit when you get ready too."

    "There's a way to do that? He was acting like he'd kill me- and sounded confident he could do the job."

    She smiled warmly. "Well, that's just how he gets about people he cares about. The moment Connor isn't hurt and actually looks forward to talking to you again, you'll have a billionaire stealing your couch to force you to watch the Packers game with him."

    Clark barked out a laugh. "He'll be disappointed. I'm a Cubs fan."

    Harriet smiled. "I'm sure he'll love persuading you you're wrong. Last thing- talk to somebody. A therapist, preferably. It's not easy to deal with this."

    He nodded. "It sounds like personal experience if you don't mind me saying."

    "No. No, she'd be almost 30 now, wherever she is. And like I said, Vlad will get it. Promise."

Chapter Text

    "There's only one thing worse than blaming an innocent person," Red Robin said and pulled off the paper. 

    "Victims," Jason said with a grin. 

    "I walked right into that one, didn't I? We're going to talk about why victim blaming is bad, and we shouldn't do it," he said, then snapped, "Batman I haven't slept in 48 hours, and you're one of the main reasons we're here. Sit down or you'll find out what Alfred told me I could do to you."

    "I don't think-"

    "Jason, do whatever you want. In the Batman mask. Kill the Joker, give free strip teases, whatever. 1 week. Do I need to make it two?"

    Jason gasped and clapped. 

    "I don't-"

    "That wasn't a yes. 2 weeks. Tell me anything but yes and sit down, and we'll make it 3."

    "Please tell him 3, B, the things I can do if I have a month. I'll instigate a gang war the likes of which-"

    Batman sat. "Yes," he grit out, and Jason blew a raspberry. 

    "Right! So victim blaming can be conscious or unconscious. Conscious victim blaming is usually pretty overt- you got what you deserve, comments on clothing, or similar statements. Can everyone understand why conscious victim blaming is bad and why we, people who are often saving or rescuing victims, shouldn't do it?"

    -

    "Thank you so much for this interview, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman."

    The Amazonian princess nodded politely while Hal Jordan leaned back with a smarmy grin. "For someone so pretty? Anytime!"

    Harriet smiled- not at the comment, or the fact it was from a hero, but because she knew, immediately, she had him. Wonder Woman would likely be trickier. 

    "Thank you. As you probably heard, the Illinois Herald and Wisconsin Sun are both doing pieces on the opinions of heroes and heroines on societal problems, as a way to better understand the people saving us in response to the Rogue Avengers disaster. Today's segment is about something that anywhere from 30 to 70% of the US population deals with daily, depending on the demographics," she explained. 

    "Let's talk about assault and the aftermath- namely, victim blaming."

    Wonder Woman nodded solemnly, while Hal raised both eyebrows. "The tough questions, huh?"

    She was gratified to see the princess elbow him. "What would you like to ask?"

    "When someone tells you about an assault, what's your first step?"

    "Stop them. I mean- stop the person doing it. Then, get the perp to the police and the victim to a hospital."

    "Thank you. Wonder Woman?"

    "I would agree, but also talk to the victim. It's important to verify they're in a safe home, otherwise, we may be sending them back to something just as bad, especially if this is a case of domestic violence."

    "Thank you," she repeated. "When cases are taken to trial- or even just suggested- there are frequently objections. What are some of the most common victim-blaming statements or questions you think people deal with?"

    Hal looked at Wonder Woman, then Harriet. "When I was in the Air Force, I heard a lot of jokes- I did NOT think they were funny- but a lot of them had to do with 'what did you think would happen'? Like, ok you went out with this guy and didn't bring someone else. What did you expect? And that's not fair to them, nobody- I don't think anybody looks for that sort of thing."

    "I've heard a lot of 'what were you wearing', as if that somehow gives the perpetrator permission."

    "What do you think of statements like 'it's okay if they're drunk, or high'?"

    "It's awful. It does not make it okay," Hal said immediately, and the Amazonian agreed. 

    "What happens when a victim is pregnant? Do you believe they should have access to safe and legal abortions, that abortions should only be legal for medical purposes, or that they shouldn't be legal at all?"

    "I mean- it's their body, you know? I think if we go back to regulating abortions like that, we're going to end up outlawing a medical service."

    Wonder Woman frowned. "We believe all life is sacred- but is it really alive if it hasn't been born yet?"

    "I see. And if a child is born- say the mother can't get an abortion in her state, it's too late by the time she finds out she's pregnant, or she doesn't want to for religious or personal reasons, should she be allowed to give that child for adoption?"

    "Of course," Wonder Woman said, "especially in cases of assault or the parent being too young."

    "Yeah. I mean, if anyone can, why not them too?"

    "What if the victim is a meta, a powerful one that can reliably expect their child will also be a powerful meta?"

    "That's a whole different question. I mean, what if they get bad parents and become evil?" Hal asked. 

    "And what if the birth parent would be worse due to trauma?" Wonder Woman argued. "If an ordinary human can put their child for adoption, why can't a meta?"

    "If it's a question of the adoptive parent, what if it's a closed adoption, one meta to another, with the understanding the birth parent can visit at any time?"

    She barely managed to hold back the narrowing of her eyes as Hal gained a momentary guilty look. So he was the one. 

    "That seems like a kindness, to all involved. Should the child develop powers, they can ask from either parent, and should one set of parents be abusing the child, the other can take over," Wonder Woman said thoughtfully. 

    "Well, what if it's got like- apocalyptic power levels?"

    Now the Amazonian turned to Hal in confusion. "What would it matter? If the child is guaranteed a loving home- that is a guarantee, yes?"

    "Yes," Harriet confirmed. "To use a real case, the victim even has their parents involved, to help answer questions and give the child as much of a normal childhood as possible, and the adoptive parent is a meta who's been trying to have children for years unsuccessfully. And again, their powers stalemate one another, so there's no danger to the child or adoptive parent."

    Hal swallowed. "Ms. Chin, that seems like an ideal situation, to be frank, an excellent way to make something good out of a horrible situation. It also sounds quite familiar," Wonder Woman said, eying Hal carefully. "Green Lantern? What would you say to that?"

    "I mean, yeah. They've got all that worked out, it sounds good."

    "Excellent. So Mr. Green Lantern," she asked, "can I ask why you tried to force Superman to take custody of his half-clone, made without his consent under extreme duress over a period of months?"

    The Amazonian went pale. "You what?! We- as in the entire League- agreed to Superman's decision with- the adoptive parent. It's the best way to keep both him and the clone safe."

    "Batman agreed!" He objected. 

    "Actually, Batman allowed me to look at the report. A few weeks ago, he did a comprehensive background check and agreed it was safe, especially as Red Robin checks on them regularly. Let's try again."

    "What if he goes out of control, huh? Sure, he's only half Kryptonian, but we don't know what that means for his behavior."

    "Calm, for the most part," Harriet said. "He's a good boy. Abandonment issues, but his adoptive parent has that too, and they're working through it. He's even visited- and spent a week with- his human relatives, and cousins on the adoptive parents' side. He's going to start home schooling next week," she added, "and one of the older cousins who is studying to be a therapist, and is known for working with unpredictable and even violent metas, is joining him,"

    "So then, Green Lantern, why try to tear their family apart? Especially as Superman is starting to develop a dialogue and friendship with his clone?"

    "I don't-"

    "Your request, if approved, goes above CPS in every state. That means Superman can ask to maintain the status quo and be ignored. His human family can do the same and be ignored. And finally, the young man can be ripped from the only good family he's ever known against his will. Who does that benefit?"

    He spluttered and the Amazonian sighed, disappointment clear on her face. "This can- and will- be overruled by a majority vote. If you don't mind, Ms. Chin, I need to go speak with my team."

    "Of course," she agreed. 

    "If I might ask, who told you about this situation?"

    She smiled. "I took a cue from you guys and asked the victim. And the kid in question."

    She nodded again and hauled the Lantern Corps member up. "We have meetings to discuss these things for a reason," she heard the princess snarling as she left. 

    This would not be the report Harriet wrote- for one, it was too damning. Close contact with the clone? That would leave Danny Fenton or Connor Masters, and Connor was more likely. The first parts- the hotline tips, determining if this was a regular thing, and getting the victim support- all that would be there. 

    And besides, she might need a favor later from the Green Lantern or Wonder Woman. Best to keep on their good side. 

    -

    She called Vlad on the flight back- or texted him in the group chat with Tim, rather. 

    ScaryReporter: Good news. Custody in your favor, objection pulled. 

    It was the most she was willing to risk over airport free wifi. 

    Vlad: Harriet, you're the best. Hang out and you'll get breakfast in bed for a month

    ScaryReporter: anytime! Anyway, he's my kid too, you know

    Vlad: you may be on your way to favorite parent, lol.

    Vlad: do 16 year old boys like ponies? I can buy him a pony

    Tim: get him a really good gaming setup so he can play with his friends

    ScaryReporter: I'm getting him a skateboard because I'm the cool mom. Turning on airplane mode, call you when I'm in Wisconsin. 

    Vlad: can't wait. Neither can Connor, you'll have to see your mother's day present.

    ScaryReporter: awwww. 

    Tim: petition to make Connor call me uncle so I won't be the shortest between my siblings starts now

     Vlad: that makes no sense

      Tim: Didn't you have a sister?

      Vlad: point. No. 

    -

    It was for the best she'd left out any mention of the JL. The unsecured wifi, and a curious hacker, had the brief snippet downloaded in seconds. It would be all over the news by the time she landed.

Chapter Text

    The ploy, for lack of a better term, worked. Every few years, Vlad would be seen with some person, and the press would go wild trying to make connections and get pictures to the press. 

    The potential Secretary of State, celebrated General Ross, being outed as a war criminal with human rights offenses a mile long? 

    That was a tasty treat. It reminded him of his vacation to Austin, Texas one year. He'd been driven outside the city limits for his new ranch opening and stumbled upon a massive gray pile. One of the workers warned him not to touch it- and as proof had tossed a bit of steak at the pile. 

    That was his first glimpse of fire ants. The press reminded him of the insects- ripping the general to pieces down to the bone. 

    Every time he heard a mention of his and Harriet's names together, another 'anonymous' tip would drop to the desks of Lois or Clark Kent. 

    Thankfully, while Connor was disturbed by what the General had gotten away with until now, he and his friends seemed too busy on their phones and laptops to bother. 

    "Hey dad, can I rent a few movies? Danny, Tuck, Sam, Tim, and me-" 

    "And I," he corrected absentmindedly. 

    "And I," Connor said with a roll of his eyes, "want to do a movie day since we can't get outside right now."

    Well, the others could. He was a little concerned about Connor, however, as it would only take one failed kidnapping or assassination to reveal he wasn't entirely human, and Ross' friends were no doubt looking for leverage on anyone and everyone they could. 

    Luckily, his son had taken it well, as long as he was allowed to at least see his friends online. That being said, he didn't mind spoiling him to make up for being unable to start him in his new private school until next year. 

    "Of course. Use the silver card, and order us some pizza or something, will you?"

    "Sweet! Can we have pineapple on it?"

    "You can have pineapple on yours," he said, "I think I'd like to stay with my usual."

    "Thanks!"

    "You're-" he started, only to find the boy was already gone. "Welcome," he finished, one lip twitching up in amusement. 

    -

    Best Auntie 💕: At least I didn't get high and star in a Scorcese movie!!

    Connor blinked at the text. "Everything good," Sam asked from the screen.

    "Yeah, Aunt Harriet sent me something weird. I think it's for dad. What movie's next?"

    "Godzilla," Tucker said to a multitude of groans. 

    "Tuck, we've watched literally every single one made! No more Godzilla for a while," Danny begged. 

    "I second that motion," Sam said immediately. "The internet's been blowing up about some old Scorsese movie from the 70s, though, if we want to give it a shot?"

    "The Godfather?" Tuck asked in surprise. 

    "No, Goncharov."

    Connor frowned. "Never heard of it. I'm good if you guys are."

    "Sure!"

    He found a site with a showing, purchased it (sadly it was unavailable for rent), and started it. As old ads started to play, he replied to his aunt. 

    Connor: WhAt?

    Best Auntie 💕: Sorry, that was for your dad

    Connor: PLEASE explain, I'm begging. 

    Best Auntie 💕: Your dad was in Italy for a few weeks when he was 17 and his gf kicked him out. What did he do? Run to the embassy? No, not your idiot father. 

    Best Auntie 💕: He "fell in love" with a man named "Icepick Joe". Still doesn't realize he was in a movie. I can't wait to see what happens when he figures it out. 

    He grinned at the phone, and replied: "🤦🏻♂️ only dad".

    The last ad for a cigarette brand he'd never heard of faded, opening to a frankly amazing soundtrack. 

    "Oh my god dude, please tell me they're selling the music."

    "I don't know," he replied, "but if they are, I need it."

    "Same," Sam agreed, and Tucker nodded. 

    They all froze when, as the credits started in the beginning, a familiar name showed. "Connor? Why is Vlad in this?"

    He shook his head. "I dunno, Aunt Harriet said he walked on a film set or something. Maybe he's an extra?"

    Nearly four hours later, all of them were staring, wide-eyed at the screen. 

    "Why didn't Katya just run with Sofia when she had the chance?" Tucker choked out. 

    "Bro," Danny replied, then shook his head and repeated the word. 

    "How was Icepick Joe one of the nicest characters? It made no sense," Sam said, "but I love him."

    "It was...a little awkward watching Vlad make out with him, not gonna lie," Danny said. 

    "Oh yeah," Connor agreed, "his- wait. Wait, Aunt Harriet said- hold on. I need to clear this from my brain."

    "Same," Danny agreed immediately. 

    "Why was he hot? That's absolutely unfair," Tucker complained. 

    "Please tell me you're talking about DeNiro," Sam said. 

    "...Yes," he said, a little too slow. 

    "Why was he hot though?" 

    "Bye guys!" Connor said a little hysterically. "I'm going to pretend I never heard that, and hope I forget it."

    -

    He finished off the last piece of his pineapple pizza and finally texted his dad, who'd left the house a while ago for work. 

    Connor: When were you going to tell me you were an actor? 

    Dad 🏈🧀: Hi, Connor! I wasn't one.

    Dad 🏈🧀: Wait. There was that one time...

    Dad 🏈🧀: Harriet swore I was in a movie, but I think she made it up. 

    Connor: It was in the '70s. 

    Dad 🏈🧀: I remember very little of the 70s. Went to Italy once, became homeless for a few weeks, had a whirlwind romance...

    Dad 🏈🧀: Joe had an unfortunate nickname, but I'll always remember him fondly. 

    Connor: Let me rephrase:

    Connor: Why were you in a LOVE TRIANGLE with ICEPICK JOE?!??

    Dad 🏈🧀: THAT WAS A MOVIE?!

    He gaped at his phone until it went dark. Wait. Sam said the internet had been going crazy about it. Did he dare look up reviews? 

    'The three love triangles of Goncharov were decades before their time. Between Sofia, Katya, and Goncharov, between Andrey, Goncharov, and Katya, and finally between Joe, Valery, and Vladislav, we see the sort of homoeroticism that wouldn't be accepted until the mid to late 2000s. In particular, the romantic- but not sexual- relationship between Valery and Joe was the sort of ace representation we still don't get today. Joe being trans was another important piece of representation before its time, and...'

    'Rumored sex tape of John Cazale, who played Icepick Joe, and billionaire senator Vlad Masters. Is fact stranger than fiction?'

    'Lynda Carter on Goncharov: I was a dancer, but it was one of the most fun movies I've ever done. It almost didn't feel like a movie set and the tension between...'

    Dad 🏈🧀: PLEASE tell me you didn't watch it

    Connor:... 

    Connor: Was John Cazale really trans? Or...?

    Dad 🏈🧀: ... No. He was not, as far as I know. 

    Dad 🏈🧀: Which movie did you see? 

    Connor: there's more than one? 

    Dad 🏈🧀: What was the rating? 

    Connor: R

    Dad 🏈🧀: thank Vince Lombardi. Please don't go looking for anything else on it

    Connor: Dad please tell me it isn't true

    Dad 🏈🧀: there is no sex tape

    Connor:...I didn't even say what it was yet

    Dad 🏈🧀: For the love of Elmhurst Cheese Curds, Connor, PLEASE do not look it up

    Dad 🏈🧀: not that it exists

    Connor: 😰 I am going to pretend Goncharov doesn't exist entirely

    Dad 🏈🧀: please do

    -

    His browser refreshed automatically, showing a new headline: 'HOT new sex tape released Vlad Masters has piercings and you WON'T believe where!'

    He groaned and closed the tab. What even was his life? 

Chapter Text

    VMan: Harriet my beloved

    ScaryReporter: no

    SpaceBoi: Ms. Chin my beloved

    ScaryReporter: No.

    TheGeekShallInherit: Ms. Chin my beloved

    ScaryReporter: NO.

    JazzyBear: Ms. Chin, I think what they mean is that they really want to go to your family reunion to support you. You've become an important part of our family as well, and we'd like to share important moments with you and be there for you.

    ScaryReporter: Jazmine, you can come.

    VMan: (beggingcat.gif)

    WitchyGoth: Plus Vlad will pay right?

    VMan: can confirm.

    ScaryReporter: ...maybe

    FlyBoi: Can I come, Auntie?

    ScaryReporter: of course, sweetie! Connor you don't even need to ask.

    VMan: bit.ly

    Watch: Sarah McLaughlin Arms of The Ang..

    VMan: bit.ly

    Watch: Johnny Cash Hurt OFFICIAL

    ScaryReporter: FINE. You can come.

    YouKnowWhoIAm: Sweet

    ScaryReporter: NOT YOU TONY

    TustinJimberlake: HA. She likes me more 😝

    ScaryReporter: u can't come either, u have college classes

    TustinJimberlake: So does Jazz!

    TustinJimberlake: No offense Jazz, you've done nothing wrong and we love you.

    HBIC: Tony, why are you in the group chat during a White House meeting?

    TheGeekShallInherit: f

    SpaceBoi: f

    WitchyGoth: f

    VMan: f

    TustinJimberlake: f

    ScaryReporter: f

    FlyBoi: f

    JazzyBear: thanks,  Tim!

    JazzyBear: also f.

    ---

       "Can you believe those idiots in the media are calling this a 'Civil War?'"

    Vlad snorted and poured out a measure of brandy for the adults- and apple juice for Tim. "Haven't you figured out the media loves to exaggerate, Tony? No offense, Harriet," said Pepper, accepting her glass with a thank you.

    "None taken," replied the off-duty reporter. "It's why I get along so well with this guy."

    "That's fair," Vlad agreed. "Of course, Mr. I Am Iron Man has no legs to stand on."

    Rhodes laughed at that, and Tony whined, "President Iron Man, thank you. We're in the oval office, even."

    "Speaking of the oval office," began Superman, "do you think we could get this somewhere a little more...roomy?"

    "I want to see the Marilyn Monroe tunnels," insisted Tim.

    "They don't exist," said Rhodes, while at the same time Tony chirped, "sure, why not?"

    Pepper sighed and stood. "Right. Tim, Harriet, Connor- everyone not directly involved in the Civil War, why don't you get an Aide to show you the tunnels that don't officially exist? Vlad, Tony, Jim, Superman, Bruce- you stay with me."

    Tony groaned and Rhodes' face looked pinched. Vlad sent a smug look to Harriet, earning him a slap to the back of his head. Superman and Bruce had vaguely exasperated looks- something Pepper strongly identified with.

    "Right. Gentlemen, it's time to work on our spin. And no, Vlad, we will not use your suggestion. It's basically a political nuclear strike."

    He scowled as Tony snorted. "Told you."

    "Bruce, I'm a big fan of yours, giving them just enough rope to hang themselves with. Let's discuss everyone's ideas- not yours, Mr. Masters," she hurried to add.

    "A little too supervillain," he asked.

    "Yes, actually."

    "Oh, good!"

    The entire group stared at him, and Tony cleared his throat. "He thinks he's a villain. Don't ruin it for him."

    "Hey, I am a supervillain!"

    Superman patted the Wisconsin man on the shoulder in a conciliatory fashion. "But I am," he objected.

    "You're definitely something," said Pepper, and Vlad let his head fall to the Oval Office's desk.

    ---

    Konnor: Is it just me or is dad being weird? You didn't say anything to him, right?

    Clark: No, it's not just you.

    Clark: He seemed a little upset that no one thinks he's an evil supervillain?

    Clark: Is that normal for him?

    Konnor: got it. Ill work on it.

    Clark: But why is he upset? He seems to genuinely care about making the world a better place?

    Konnor: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Clark: Connor?

    Clark: Connor I can see you've read this.

    Clark: Hey Connor, this is Lois. Absolutely hilarious. Love it. Tell your dad he should be sainted.

    Konnor: 👍

    Clark: oh so you answer Lois but not me.

    (Konnor read your message at x:xx pm)

    ----

    Not for the first time, Connor thought his dad had way too many rooms. Technically, anyone without a certain amount of ecto-contamination wasn't allowed in the labs.

    Technically, his dad hadn't lined the lab walls with kryptonite, so it was fair game. Anyway, it was only for a few minutes.

    Connor opened the blast doors to the Ghost Zone, allowing Danny, Sam, and Tucker- only two of whom were in the Specter Speeder- into the lab. He shut the doors immediately after. "Ready?"

    "Hell yeah."

    He beat his friends to the board room where Aunt Harriet was already waiting with Tim and several of his sort-of siblings.

       "I still think this is a bad idea. We should be helping him become more comfortable with the person he is, not- what'd you call it, Steph?"

    "Get him back in his villain era," Steph supplied helpfully. "Stop being such a goody two-shoes Duke, this is why we didn't invite Jazmine."

    "We could encourage him to kill. That always helps," offered Damien.

    "No, demon child. He needs chaos, not evil."

    "Jason, stop calling me a-"

    Tim chugged an energy drink. There were already three nearby, and he looked wide-eyed and feral. "I have ideas. It involves faking Connor's death and possibly Danny's."

    "I'm already dead," Danny said.

    Tim swore emphatically and returned to the notebook full of pictures, strings, and cramped writing. He cracked the top of another energy drink.

    "That's a bad idea anyways. He'd go totally nuts."

    Tim's face twitched, Duke ripped the notebook out of his hands, and Cass tackled Tim from behind. "We are not kidnapping Connor. Now, if Luthor broke out of prison and captured Connor..."

    "Danny, no!"

    "I'm just saying-"

    "This is why you're not allowed alone with Tim unsupervised."

    Aunt Harriet watched the byplay with undisguised interest, but eventually cleared her throat. "Ladies, gentlemen, gremlins. I have a solution."

    "I'm listening," mumbled Dick, just barely awake. Damien tsk'd at him and Jason snorted in amusement.

    "Right. As you know four of the rogues, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Scott Lang, and Clint Barton are in custody. Wanda Maximoff and Natasha Romanoff, however, are still free."

    "Batman has Romanoff under surveilance," stated Damien. He hurried to add, "or so I've heard."

    "She knows," Tim grunted.

    Cass released him from her headlock. "What do you mean she knows, Timberly," asked Jason.

    "I figured out Batman and Red Robin's secret identities within about two weeks, Mr. Hood," she explained. "Now back to the plan-"

    "What? How," Steph demanded, then shrunk under the power of Harriet's raised eyebrow.

    "She's like Alfred, but not. Keeps Masters and the Wisconsin Ghost in line," muttered Dick. He unashamedly laid down in his chair, propping his feet on the table and his head on Sam's lap. "Pretty sure she's got Green Lantern under her paw too."

    "He clears press releases with me first," Harriet said proudly. "I think we should let Vlad or the Wisconsin Ghost play with Maximoff."

    "And," corrected Tim. "They're dating, you can't just leave one of them out."

    Harriet choked, Tucker cackled, and Sam just shook her head. "He's undead, Tim."

    "Yeah, yeah, the Wisconsin Ghost is undead- gimme my notebook, I've got theories."

    "They're the same person," Sam clarified.

    "That's impossible!"

    Danny cleared his throat and let the white light envelop him. "Ta-da," called Phantom, complete with jazz hands.

    "Now I've got to rewrite all my theories!"

    "That's all you have to say? I'm dead."

    "So is Jason, man. Damien is arguably undead too. Weird shit happens."

    "Are they dating though," asked Steph.

    "Jason and Vlad??"

    "Eww no, Vlad and the Wisconsin Ghost!"

    ScaryReporter created a group chat, titled 'Parental Units'!

    ScaryReporter added PackersCult, Bruceman, Tony, Alfred, and Angela Foley to the chat!

    ScaryReporter: Come get yo kids.

    Tony: Why am I in this?

    ScaryReporter: Danny, Tucker, and Sam borrowed ur kid from school. He's the least chaotic of the bunch.

    Tony: u sure that's Peter?

    ScaryReporter: yeah u just haven't met Brucie's other kids, Danny, Sam, or Connor. Peter may be a feral squirrel but he is the least chaotic person here.

    PackersCult: let the kids have a little chaos. Destroy a little property, kidnap someone. Have a little fun!

    Bruceman: Why is your name Packers Cult?

    Bruceman: Sorry in advance about my bunch.

    Angela: He runs the Green Bay Packers Ghost Cult.

    Bruceman: Tim was telling the truth on that?!

    PackersCult: IT IS NOT A CULT

    Angela: Danny told me about it. It's a cult.

    Angela: Tell Sam, Danny, and Tucker I made ribs and beans, and Sam that there's some vegan Pad Thai with her name on it if they get home in the next half hour.

    Bruceman: You're not going to ask how they got to Wisconsin?

    Angela: I prefer pretending they don't play with interdimensional travel. I'm not that kind of doctor.

    Tony: Sorry CIA director stole my phone. Let Peter stay the night please? No interdimensional travel, he has bad luck.

    PackersCult: they can all stay the night. We'll paint the town red. With blood.

    Angela: Goncharov

    PackersCult: send all of them home and to a nunnery

    ScaryReporter: lol. I'm taking them to lazer tag and then a paintball gun course first. Non dangerous chaos.

    Bruceman: clearly you aren't familiar with my children.

    Angela: don't panic if any of mine start glowing in the dark. Tell my son he can hack the cameras but NO replacing it with horror movie footage.

    ScaryReporter: sounds just like Tucker. No problem.

    Alfred: Ms. Chin, please do not allow young master Timothy any energy drinks.

    Harriet looked at the long table where Tim and Danny had gotten into an impromptu drinking contest involving even more energy drinks. As she watched, Jason slid two more over, a look of delight on his face.

    ScaryReporter: Sorry Alfred, I'm not a miracle worker.

    Alfred: that's alright. I'll have a talk with him when he returns.

    --

    "Right! Teams of 6 for Lazertag. Danny, Sam, Tucker, Connor, Peter, you're on team 1. Who from the Wayne family volunteers as tribute?"

    "Um, Ms. Aunt Harriet ma'am, can we make team names?"

    "Peter you precious little angel, of course you can."

    The group huddled, and Jason shrugged. "Might as well join the other dead people."

    "Traitor," cried Steph. "Let's name our team Team Kick Jason's Ass!"

    "I dislike the vulgarity but approve the sentiment," said Damien.

    Jason flipped them off and joined the other team.

    "We have names," asked Harriet after a few moments.

    "We're Team Kick Jason's Ass," Dick replied. Duke sighed.

    "We're the Undead Arachnids."

    "The undead arachnids?" Tim's face was dubious at best.

    "Ok! Ground rules! We are in an enclosed space, so no powers that cause destruction. No destruction of property or I will tell Alfred, May, and Angela. No dying. Yes, Danny, that means you."

    "How do you feel about maiming," asked Damien.

    "Nothing permanent," Harriet replied after a moment. "Aim for Danny, he'll walk it off."

    Danny cheered. Damien looked at him, profoundly disturbed.

    "Hey Ms. Harriet, does body horror count as dying?"

    She sighed heavily. "Not technically."

    Sam, Tucker, and Danny shared grins. Connor mimed ripping off Danny's arm to giggles. Peter whispered something that started an in-depth conversation followed by, "can people who aren't undead have body horror, Ms. Chin?"

    "I mean. I guess. Go for it, as long as you'll heal. I do not need an angry Tony Stark up my ass."

    Team Undead Arachnid cheered. Hopefully Team Kick Jason's Ass wouldn't be too disturbed. Would Bruce force her to pay for therapy?

    ---

    ScaryReporter: so there may be copious amounts of blood and ectoplasm on the bottom of the van. Oops?

    PackersCult: did Danny get cut in half again?

    Tony: I feel like I should say AGAIN?!

    Tony: but I know Peter he definitely ripped off a hand and threw it at someone.

    ScaryReporter: Foot actually.

    ScaryReporter: Damien promised he wouldn't bring a sword to a fight with a ghost again.

    ScaryReporter: Angela did you know sometimes Danny can be used as a disguise?

    Angela: I'm ignoring this

    PackersCult: are you really best friends if you don't cut yourself open and allow your other friends to crawl inside your bloated corpse to hide?

    ScaryReporter: EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME?!?!?!

    PackersCult: I would let you use me like a Taunton, Harriet 🙂.

    ScaryReporter: I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT

    Angela: one time Tucker was running a bad fever

    Angela: and Danny's always cold, right?

    ScaryReporter: NO

    Angela: so he borrowed our butcher knife

    ScaryReporter: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NONONONONO

    Tony: this is like a train wreck. Can't stand it but can't look away.

    Angela: and used himself like a cold blanket. Stored Tucker inside and helped bring the fever down.

    Alfred: unconventional, yet effective

    Angela: yes! what I'm trying to say, Harriet, is get used to the body horror. It's going to happen.

    ScaryReporter: I'm moving to an uninhabited island

    PackersCult: ghosts can fly.

    ScaryReporter: I hate you. I will not be using you like that thing from Star Wars

    PackersCult: just wait until it's really cold. You will.

    Bruceman: is anyone going to mention that Daniel is an undead body horror monster and apparently Vlad is too?

    Bruceman: just me?

    Tony: and Peter can grow back body parts

    Bruceman: how could I forget?

    ScaryReporter: we were going to go to a paintball course after. Now I just want to lay down. And not think of anything I saw today.

    PackersCult: I'll take care of any unfortunate stains at the laser tag course.

    ScaryReporter: no need.

    PackersCult: Danny ate them?

    ScaryReporter: DANNY FUCKING ATE THEM

    ScaryReporter: AND PETER KEEPS ASKING WHAT HIS FOOT TASTES LIKE

    Tony: I'm already regretting this

    Tony: but what did it taste like?

    Bruceman: do you think it tasted like pig's feet? We share a lot of DNA with pigs.

    ScaryReporter: I'm done talking to you. All of you. Except Alfred, he's wonderful.

    Alfred: Likewise, Ms. Chin.

    -----

    Bruceman: Jason has decided Danny is his very best friend and wants him to spend the summer in Gotham. Is that a possibility?

    PackersCult: If Jason can catch him, Jason can have him

    PackersCult: He ate the   last  of my cheese curds. :-(

    Bruceman: ok. But I meant can you ask his parents?

    PackersCult: Bold of you to assume he listens to the Fentons.

    Bruceman: ... is he OK at home?

    PackersCult: A word to the wise: don't remove an invasive species from their home environment permanently.

    Bruceman: that was NOT an answer

    PackersCult: hey want to watch the game this weekend? Packers are kicking off first game of the season.

    Bruceman: are you implying I have to join the cult for an answer?

    PackersCult: IT IS NOT A CULT

    Bruceman: that wasn't a no.

    -----

    "It's not a cult," Vlad whined from the couch.

    Connor popped his gum and continued scrolling on his phone. "Kinda is, dad. Anyway, cults are evil. Doesn't that mean cult leaders are evil?"

    He pretended not to notice the scheming look on Vlad's face compounded with absolute delight.

    PackersCult: if I summon the spirit of Vince Lombardi, think he would join the cult?

    YouKnowWhoIAm: who?

    ScaryReporter: now you've done it.

    PackersCult: clear your schedule this weekend. You're getting educated on the Green Bay Packers

    YouKnowWhoIAm: ok let me ask Pepper

    PackersCult: Aren't you the President of the United States?

    YouKnowWhoIAm: Pepper says no

    PackersCult: do it anyway

    PepperPottsCEO: he has a charity gala

    PackersCult: ok. Next weekend?

    YouKnowWhoIAm: no I don't want the cult

    PepperPottsCEO: he's free next weekend, yes.

    PackersCult: excellent. There is no escape. Not even death

    PepperPottsCEO: ominous

    PepperPottsCEO: I like it

    ScaryReporter: I can be ominous

    PackersCult: I'm not talking to you. You and Danny ate the last of my cheese curds.

    ScaryReporter: ?

    ----

    AuntHarriet: did you eat the last of your Dad's cheese curds?

    Connor: the cats helped

    AuntHarriet: are we sure you're not actually his child?

    Connor: 🤷🏻‍♂️

Chapter Text

    Vlad: call please

    Vlad: I'm doing a lot of no comments right now, but part of our chat was leaked. 

    Vlad: do we want to explain AGAIN about how not everyone is a heterosexual, go big happy family, or something else?

    Harriet: It's been 5 minutes since I turned my phone on and everything is nuts. First: what happened with the chat, do you know?

    Vlad: the site was hacked, luckily they only got bits and pieces. But they were some very implicating pieces

    Harriet: shit and I was just over the accusations of sleeping with you to get my job. Right, so stay on Stark Chat for now?

    Vlad: it's the most secure

    Vlad: I have an insane amount of goodwill right now, not to mention wealth. I can handle this. I'm concerned about you, though. 

    Vlad: are you sure I can't persuade you to just move in? 

    Harriet: one day I would like to have a girlfriend, Vlad, and living with a man would put a damper on things. But yes, I will move close by

    Vlad: Connor would like it

    Harriet: DO NOT use our kid against me, asshole. I will burn every piece of Packers gear you own. 

    Harriet: why are people so obsessed with hetero relationships? How many times have we had to explain we're involved, but not romantically?

    Vlad: I've lost count. Thinking about a tattoo saying QPRs are a Thing. 

    Vlad: I'm picking you up

    Harriet: don't you have a senate meeting today? 

    Vlad: that was neither an offer nor a question. Do you know how many death threats you've gotten? 

    Harriet: a lot?

    Vlad: almost as many as me. 

    Vlad: front entrance, gate A. Black car. 

    Harriet: Packer's plates?

    Vlad: you know it. 

    -

    "What are your first 10 plans? I know you have at least 20," Harriet asked immediately, sliding into the passenger seat. She'd packed light and left her luggage at her feet. 

    Vlad started the car. "One is go with it, which you've vetoed. Two is mass possession."

    "Vetoing that, too," she said.

    "Mm. Three is explaining queerplatonic relationships yet again, and four is mass murder."

    "Keep three, lose four. Five?" Of course, murder would be in his top 5. 

    "Stage a disaster big enough this is small fries. That's five through eight, by the way, just about different disasters."

    "We'll go back to them," she promised. 

    "Nine is changing our names and moving to Antarctica, ten is becoming citizens of the ghost zone."

    "Right. The disasters?"

    "Five- I have enough on Thunderbolt Ross to have the world in arms over who gets to kill him. Six- I have enough about the Rogue Avengers to make the world fight over who gets to kill them. Seven- honesty. Hate that one. Too risky. Eight- plague."

    "Plague?"

    "Plague. There's always a plague or famine brewing somewhere."

    "That's a little callous. Didn't Tony ask you to handle Ross?"

    "Yes, before midterms. Five?"

    "Go with five. In the meantime, we say nothing."

    -

    The leak didn't start from him- too suspicious, he advised his supervillain in training son. "If you can manipulate someone to think it's their idea for you, always do that."

    "Right. That seems a little...difficult with my power set." Not to mention evil, he didn't add. 

    "Mm. Harriet does it all the time. So does every politician, lawyer, and many adults. It's just a skill you can learn over time. And you can make them do good things too, like this."

    "Ok. So what are we doing?"

    "Mind control and subliminal messaging, mostly," Vlad replied, and Kon sighed. "The things I do for family," he grumbled. "Fine. I'll ask around."

    After a little hesitation, he opened a private message he rarely looked at. Things were still understandably awkward between him and his... Clark. Him and Clark. Still, he probably would appreciate a heads-up now that things were blowing up again. 

    Connor: Heads up, there's a media storm brewing. 

    Clark: I heard. I thought about calling, but didn't want to overstep. Are you okay? 

    He thought about it before replying. 

    Connor: It's really weird right now, but yeah. That's not the one I'm talking about, though. Dad's about to get the media going nuts about a war criminal. 

    Connor: Just trying to find someone to leak info who wouldn't be suspicious, yk? 

    Clark: I could help with that, you know. Lois and I are reporters, and we specialize in warlords, supervillains, and war criminals. So even if you didn't want me involved, she could help as well. As far as the rest of the world knows, we have no connection. 

    Clark: Again, I don't want to overstep. 

    Clark: Connor?

    Connor: Hold up, talking 2 dad brb

    Clark: Okay. 

    -

    "You're sure looking at your phone a lot tonight. Everything okay with Connor and your friends?"

    He looked up, abashed. "I'm sorry, Lois, it's almost time for dinner isn't it? My turn to cook?"

    She put a hand on his. "Tell me the gossip, and I'll cook instead, boy scout."

    He huffed a little. "Well, Connor wanted to give me a heads up about everything happening. And he's got something we could help with- if that's okay. I know things are a little...tense, right now."

    She shook her head. "I'm not mad at you or Connor," she reiterated for the hundredth time, "I'm mad at Lex. What's happening?"

    "Well, his dad's got a plan to take down a war criminal who likes to experiment on metas, and he needs a few reporters- ones that aren't connected to him."

    "And you want to help? I'll do it, of course, but I know your relationship with him and Vlad is a little rough right now."

    He nodded. "Well, I've been told both of the appreciate deeds more than words. So maybe- and anyway, I started off on the wrong foot, too."

    "Mm-hmm," she said. "What are we waiting for then? Let's call Jimmy up, tell him we've got a story. But- have you and Connor decided on what to call one another, if you meet face to face?"

    He shrugged. "Not really. Just Connor and Clark right now, but we might change later on."

    "I can work with that. So who are we taking down?"

    "Remember General Thaddeus Ross?"

    "Oh, I'm going to enjoy this."

    -

    Clark: I talked to Lois. We're in. 

    Connor: Thx

    Connor: Dad says to come over for dinner when you get to his section of interviews

    Connor: He's inducting you into the GBP Cult

    Clark: excuse me

    Connor: The Green Bay Packers. Sundays are devoted to our Lord and Savior Vince Lombardi. 

    Clark: I'll be happy to watch the game with you two, but I'm afraid I'm a Cubs fan.

    Connor: 😱😱😱😱😱😱

    Connor: lmaooooooo

    Connor: oh this will be great

    Connor: wear a Cubs jersey when you come and it'll ne perfect. I'll make Tim wear his Vikings one

    Connor: make dad blue screen

    Clark: That sounds familiar. Did Pa- sorry, your grandfather ever tell you about the time his half-brother came home and swore he'd never watch football again? 

    Connor: no but it sounds hilarious. Clue me in

    -

    "Dad, Clark said he'd watch the game. Is it ok if Tim comes?"

    Vlad shrugged, still sorting through mountains of files. "Sure. You know Tim's always welcome."

    "Cool. By the way, Clark's a Cubs fan."

    "Mm. Good. I'll see- WHAT?! What blasphemy is this? No family of mine can be a Cubs fan- I'll show him," he began to grumble. 

    "No mind control!" Harriet shouted from the living room. 

    "Spoilsport!"

Chapter Text

    "No," whispered a mortified Bruce.

    "Sir, please sit down," Alfred ordered more than asked. "You have made your bed, and now you must lie in it."

    "What's wrong, B? Think the thong's the wrong size?" Jason's grin under the cowl was viciously pleased. The outfit above the Batman regalia was sparkly, skimpy, and had way too many tassels.

    "You're missing something," Stephanie mused.

    "A shred of dignity, perhaps?" Damien retorted sharply. He was almost as displeased with this as Bruce.

    "I've got the collapsible strip pole and base in the back of the Batmobile," said Dick, who was dressed just as oddly as Jason.

    "All the music's set up to broadcast from local speakers," added Barbara.

    "Backup dancer," Cass stated.

    "That's right! We're missing a dancer! Drumroll please, introducing the one, the only, Spiderbat!"

    "This is going to be so much fun!" Peter squealed, "I've always wanted to get into dance!"

    "Tony's going to kill me," Bruce whispered.

    The three, dressed in their costumes (minus Jason, who was wearing one of the thinner Batman suits), covered in another layer of shiny, tawdry costumes, went out into the night.

    -

    "News in Gotham is centered not around Wayne or Drake for once, but believe it or not, Batman, Nightwing, and New York City's own Spiderman in a pop-up event called Stripping for Justice," said the reporter, clearly struggling not to laugh.

    "That's right, here's some footage from last night's chaos. The group dropped off half the proceeds to Planned Parenthood and the other half to the Society for Sexual Assualt Prevention."

    The screen switched to a shaky phone camera, focused on Batman's rear as he did something complicated on a pole, then at the sound of a scream, used the pole's centrifugal force to launch himself at a purse thief.

    @Joycieeee

    Omg not #Spiderman stopping the show to help little old ladies cross the road. This cinnamon roll just told Harley Quinn her shoes were "a vibe" And they traded.

    #OnlyInGotham #Batstripper #CinnamonSpider

    @BurrowsTacoTruck

    Guys Batman hot wired my truck and Nightwing got it running when it broke down...in heels and g-strings. This girl now officially respects Batman.

    #Batstripper #OnlyInGotham #NightwingIsASuspiciouslyGoodStripper

    @HarleeeyBabeeey

    Ok #Spiderman is way too cute. Gonna kidnap the baby! Have my own wittle spider bro!

    #Batstripper #OnlyInGotham #CinnamonSpider

    >@SpiderManOfficial

    >Thanks Ms. Harley! It was fun hanging out with you! But I kind of have some trauma about being kidnapped so if you could not, that would be great. Thanks for the shoes too, I can't believe we're the same size! #Batstripper

    @HarleeeyBabeeey

    WHOMST THE FUCK TRAUMATIZED BABY SPIDER?!?! @RealDeadGuy you're around him a lot. WHO?!?!?

    >@RealDeadGuy

    >Pretty sure it was Ross. @VladMastersCEO didn't you find some shit about him kidnapping Spiderman?

    >>@VladMastersCEO

    >> I did. You can read the full court document here: bit.ly/7q616393CourtOrderWI. So far they are refusing to punish Ross on the grounds that Spiderman is not technically human.

    >>>@SpiderManOfficial

    >>>Mr. Senator Masters sir, I told u u don't have to worry about that as long as the restraining order holds.

    >>>>@VladMastersCEO

    >>>>And that's what the meeting next week is about.

    >>>>>@SpiderManOfficial

    >>>>>So I'm not just being inducted into the Green Bay Packers Cult? I'm honestly kinda sad about that it sounded fun.

    >>>>>>@VladMastersCEO

    >>>>>>Are you kidding? You're being inducted. You have no choice. :-) Besides we need a mascot.

    >>>>>>>@SpiderManOfficial

    >>>>>>> I always wanted to be a mascot!!! This is awesome!

    ---

    "Alright, house tour! Actually, just the theater room tour, but it's pretty sweet," Connor said into the camera after flashing a peace sign. Becoming known slowly via social media had been one of Aunt Harriet's ideas, one which his dad reluctantly agreed to.

    "This is the projection room, there's a holographic projector, a regular one, and a neat old one for these weird old film reels. Then you can walk downstairs or take the elevator- we're taking the elevator, you need to see this," he said, and spun around to show an elevator the size of a large bedroom, with gold and mirrored walls and green marble floors and roof.

    "Betchya can't guess his favorite football team. Which is actually what we're here for. First off, yes we are making Spiderman part of the club. Second, and NOBODY tell my dad about this, we're going to see how long we can make him think we think the Cubs are a football team. My bet is: as long as he thinks is polite and no longer, put yours in the chat. Bye!"

    -

    A few minutes later, a livestream popped up on his channel. "Ok, so I was given permission to film this. Behind me on the left is my dad, you probably know him- yes, I know he's biologically my uncle LavaU23, everyone knows. I call him dad, it's not that complicated. Yes, PrinceDickface," he said with a snicker, "it is in Packers green. Ok so everyone else: aunt Harriet, please stop saying she and dad are dating, they're not."

    Harriet waved at the camera but kept her seat. "I decided to be a New York Giants fan today to be annoying."

    "Then we've got Tim, you know him too," Tim didn't wave, too busy chugging a Red Bull. 4 more were empty beside him, and he wore a Vikings jersey. "He thinks he's staying awake."

    "I am!"

    "You're gonna start snoring halfway through the first quarter," he retorted to Peter and Danny's laughter. "Don't be offended too much, everyone on chat is saying you're a mood."

    "I have no idea what's going on with them, but plots are being plotted," he said, gesturing at Spiderman (in a Packers jersey over his costume), and Danny Fenton. Daniel, as Satan incarnate, was wearing a t-shirt that simply said, "it's not real football if there aren't any cheerleaders." Jason, who had decided stalking Daniel was the best way to get the halfa to move to Gotham and 'do fun crime', had a shirt with 'Batstripper 202X'. It had helpfully placed batarangs to cover indecency.

    "We're here to watch the football game. Cubs are playing the Packers," said Clark.

    "The Cubs are baseball," Vlad returned.

    "No, no, the Cubs are an Illinois team," Lois said. "See?"

    "Ok yes, but they're not football."

    "Umm yeah fruitloop they are. Don't have cheerleaders though, that's sad," Danny put in.

    "Aren't football and baseball kind of the same thing? Like there’s still a ball?" Asked Spiderman. Vlad's head turned slowly over to him.

    "Did no one ever explain football to you?"

    "I mean, my uncle did once, but he just watched soccer so he didn't really know that much about it. We were going to- but. Well, he died, so.... and my aunt doesn't know sports. Umm. Why are you looking at me like that?"

    Connor turned the camera to face himself. Words appeared onscreen. "New baby brother in 5...4...3...2...1."

    "I have to end the livestream now, but don't worry! I'll still share the best parts!" The screen above him said "Clark is over here talking about the last Cubs game only using football words. Look at dad's face. Clark is being MVP rn, dad knows we'll absolutely prank him but he thinks Clark is innocent."

    The camera panned over to Vlad's confused and concerned face. The caption read, "he is now thinking that maybe the Bears are the baseball team and the Cubs are football. Game starts in 2 hours. Go Clark!"

    X

    The next day, a video was uploaded, titled 'Game Day Shenanigans'

    "I should've stayed in Italy and married Icepick Joe," Vlad griped. The screen flipped to Connor, now in his room.

    "I may be grounded, but it was worth it. Hey, what was your bet? Result was '20 minutes', because Tony Stark showed up in a Chicago Bears jersey."

    The screen switched again to a recorded portion, this time with Tony Stark in the Iron Man armor trailed by Happy Hogan and Pepper Potts. Happy wore his usual black suit with a New England Patriots tie, while Pepper wore a tasteful green dress.

    Tony wore a Chicago Bears jersey sewn together over the armor. "I can't believe you," Vlad whispered. "I knew it. Knew it!"

    "I don't know what's happening," whispered Spiderman.

    "Prank," whispered Jason.

    "Oh. Cause the Bears aren't football?"

    Danny leaned in, though the microphone picked him up. "Nah, Bears are football, Cubs are baseball."

    The suit's facial expressions made his confusion clear.

    "We should still watch the Cubs, though," Harriet said.

    "Baseball doesn't exist in this household!"

    "It's ok bud," Clark offered in a conciliatory fashion. "I'll show you the baseball channel".

    The camera zoomed in on Vlad's face, a voiceover saying, "CRIMINAL sideye. BOMBASTIC sideye," as Clark started giggling. Turning back towards Spiderman, it zoomed out and was covered by a pit bull happily trying to bring a stick into the house that was too big for the doorway. The caption read, "I don't know what's happening, but I'm having fun!"

    X

    @OfficialConnorMasters

    Quick update on the family! It's game day. Dad assumed it meant FOOTBALL game day. So Clark stole the remote.

    [Image Description]: group of adults and teenagers watch the Cubs VS Cardinals game. In the background, Tim Drake and Lois Lane struggle to force Vlad Masters into a Vikings jersey. [End image description]

    So it's a pretty good day. Don't worry, the Packers game won't be on for another few hours.

    >@GreenBayPackersNFL

    This looks like great fun! @OfficialConnorMasters tell @VladMastersCEO and your friends we'll offer season passes if they burn the @MinnesotaVikingsNFL jersey!

    >>@OfficialConnorMasters

    Bet.

    [Video Description]: Connor Masters cackles as a group pf adults chant 'burn it burn it'. He uses a lighter to set the edge of the jersey on fire to cheers and two cries of despair. Danny Fenton sprays him and the jersey with a water hose, killing the flames. [End video description]

    Almost!

    @ClarkKent

    Why did NO ONE tell me it was for football?! I showed up in baseball gear.

.

.

.

Then I just had fun with it.

    >@VladMastersCEO

    >Blame the Vikings. It's what I always do.

    Also YOU GASLIT ME INTO THINKING THE CUBS WERE FOOTBALL!

    >>@HarrietChin

    >>@ClarkKentReporter don't worry, next time you're in Wisconsin we'll do baseball. And then football again because my best friend is ridiculous.

    And the Cubs are football IDK what you're talking about.

    >>>@VladMastersCEO

    >>> Hey @HarrietChin remember Oktoberfest of 91?

    >>>>@HarrietChin

    >>>>Why did you make this menace a Chirper @SpaaaaaaaceBoi?

    @OfficialSpiderMan

    hey is burning a Vikings shirt illegal? I kinda feel like it it, but also now I'm a part of the Packers Cult and it's so nice here.

    [Video Description]: Spiderman douses the jersey with gasoline as someone cackles like a madman behind him. "Don't do it!" Someone shouts. Spiderman drops the match, officially ruining the jersey. [End video description]

    >@GreenBayPackersNFL

    > 🫡😢 It's enough to make a grown man cry.

    >>@OfficialSpiderMan

    >> I'M SO SORRY PLEASE DON'T CRY

    >>@GreenBayPackersNFL

    >>In a good way. Somebody protect this child already.

    #CinnamonSpider

    -

    "Football is breaking into national news today. Take a look at the field, and you'll see- that's right- the Packers have spray painted Spiderman's logo on their field, just for the day. The coach also had free wifi set up for those willing to sign a petition to arrest General Thaddeus Ross."

    "And don't forget to stop by any official Cinnabon location to get your own cinnamon spider, just in time for spooky season!"

    -

    "What?"

    Harriet continued staring at him, the 20 step plan for 5 B, and the newscast. "Your mind terrifies me."

    "As it should," he said, and marked out step 3: 'Spiderman + abandonment issues + offering to become part of a close knit group = profit'.

    "I gotta ask, why is profit on there?"

    "Oh, I own about 60% preferred shares of Cinnabon. I'm profiting."

    "Of course you do."

    "You say that like you don't want a cinnamon spider."

    "Why do you hate meeeeee? Gimmee the spider."

Chapter Text

    👻👽🕷 Undead Arachnids 🕷👽👻

    HanShotFirst: Hear me out

    Friday13: No.

    HanShotFirst: Macaroni and cheese is a form of tea

    Friday13: this is why I said no, Peter.

    (HackerVoice): Your logic needs more logic.

    HanShotFirst: I'm glad u asked me 2 explain

    (HackerVoice): I did not

    Friday13: I am asking you not to explain

    PackersCult: I am morbidly curious

    (HackerVoice) changed PackersCult's name to Goncharov!

    Goncharov: Okay Tony

    HanShotFirst: was that your version of OK, Boomer? Also not Tony. Tony is not undead, undead adjacent, OR an arachnid.

    Goncharov changed his name to TonyIsABoomer.

    TonyIsABoomer: it is! Please explain. Make sure to tell Not Tony ALL about your theory.

    SupaFly: Dad no

    SupaFly changed TonyIsABoomer's name to PackersCult.

    SupaFly: also please stop reminding me that Goncharov was a thing

    PackersCult: point.

    HanShotFirst: SPEAKING of points, Matcha is just powder and water, right? So if we take that one step further, Miso is tea. And if we say tea can be made of any ingredients, that means Macaroni and Cheese is a tea

    SpaceBoi: how did you get from matcha to Mac?

    Friday13: blocked

    (HackerVoice): unblocked. Continue.

    HanShotFirst: A tea preparation purist believes you must boil the main ingredients to extract flavor. So tea is tea. Coffee is tea. Broth is tea

    WitchyGoth: ?????

    HanShotFirst: if you're a preparation neutral, powders can be made into tea. So matcha is a tea, Miso is a tea, and Mac is a tea. Right?

    SupaFly: this makes a distressing amount of sense

    HanShotFirst: if you're a preparation rebel, clogged drain pipes, crude oil, and Saturn are teas

    SpaceBoi: LETS DRINK SATURN

    SpaceBoi: TASTE THE FORBIDDEN TEA

    WitchyGoth: Vlad aren't you going to say something as the resident adult?

    PackersCult: do you think it's possible to cut travel time to Saturn using the Ghost Zone?

    WitchyGoth added ScaryReporter to the 👻👽🕷 Undead Arachnids 🕷👽👻 chat

    WitchyGoth: Danny wants to drink Saturn and Vlad won't stop him

    ScaryReporter: do I need to get the ectoranium? Or worse, tell Jazmine?

    SpaceBoi: just a sip of Saturn?

    SpaceBoi: WHY IS JAZZ CALLING ME?! TRAITORS!!!!!

    Friday13: thank Homer.

    HanShotFirst: so anyways, ingredient purists say tea must be made from leaves. So there's tea, obvs, matcha, clearly, and also clogged rain gutters

    HanShotFirst: ingredient neutrals say tea has to be made from plants, so there's coffee, Miso, and crude oil

    Friday13: image.LetMeeeeeeeeOutttttt

    Friday13 has left the chat

    HanShotFirst added Friday13 to the chat.

    HanShotFirst: almost done

    Friday13: I have killed people

    HanShotFirst: so has Wade.

    HanShotFirst: so finally u get your ingredient rebels. Tea can be made from anything. Pho. Mac. Saturn

    ScaryReporter: how is Saturn a tea?

    Friday13: NOOOOOOO

    HanShotFirst: 💖💖💖💖💖 preparation rebels say tea can be made by any method as long as the result is liquid with suspended solids. Clogged leaf gutters are just water and leaves. Crude oil is liquid and plants. And then Saturn

    ScaryReporter: :-) is that an alignment chart? What are you on the toothpaste scale?

    ScaryReporter: ToothpasteAlignment.jpg

    HanShotFirst: u r the GOAT Ms. Harriet

    ScaryReporter: thank you

    PackersCult: ...he called you a goat

    ScaryReporter: no. He said GOAT. Greatest Of All Time, you meme illiterate boomer

    PackersCult: bit.ly

    Watch: Mad World by Gary Jules

    Friday13: I will make everyone here read Plato.

    WitchyGoth: why?

    Friday13: because I just had to read Peter's insane tea theory

    HanShotFirst: bit.ly

    Check out President Stark and SI intern drinking tea. But you won't believe what's in it!

    Friday13: I'm going to come to your houses and do chaotic evil to your toothpaste

    (HackerVoice): o so u want me to send the Forbidden tea chart to all your siblings? Bet

    Friday13: everyone's house but Tuckers

    SpaceBoi: Peter I will never forgive u for telling me Saturn is a tea. But I can't drink it!!!!

    WitchyGoth: Danny you can't drink Saturn. You may eat moon dust if you so desire, but no Saturn

    SpaceBoi: BRB going to the 🌚

    (HackerVoice): Sam why?

    WitchyGoth: got him to shut up about Saturn, didn't it?

    HanShotFirst: u r so valid. Have u met MJ yet?

    WitchyGoth: yes. We're going to rule the world together

    HanShotFirst: I, for one, welcome our new overlords.

    -----

    "NASA releases new moon photos regularly. But something is different about these, Todd."

    "That's right Aaliyah," said the co-anchor. "This leaves us with one question: is the moon haunted?"

    The newscasters supplied several pictures of- no, Vlad thought. But then, it was Danny. It was entirely possible that the photos depicting Ghost King Phantom eating moon rocks were undoctored.

    His phone rang, revealing a picture of Jazmine Fenton sending him a rude gesture. "Oh no," he whispered.

    The phone stopped ringing, to his relief. And then- "Dad? Jazz wants to talk to you."

    "I'm not here!"

    "Yeah, he says he's not here," said Connor. Vlad groaned. "She says you can talk to her or fund an expedition for her parents to hunt ghosts on the moon."

    "I'll talk to Jazmine, thank you."

    👻👽🕷Undead Arachnids 🕷👽👻

    SpaceBoi: moon rocks cromnchy

    PackersCult: Your sister wants to talk to you.

    SpaceBoi: what did I do to deserve this?

    Friday13: I hate being the voice of reason

    Friday13: Really, I do

    Friday13: But maybe don't eat moon rocks.

    SpaceBoi: fuck u and I'll see u tomorrow.

    Friday13: we don't have plans for tomorrow?

    SpaceBoi: I'll see u tomorrow. This is a threat.

    Friday13: bro you're not that scary.

    SpaceBoi: hey @HanShotFirst, want to visit Jason tomorrow?

    HanShotFirst: sure! And hey I found a bunch more alignment charts.

    Friday13 has left the chat!

    SpaceBoi added Friday13 back to the chat!

    SpaceBoi: I will see u tomorrow

    Friday13: I will let Damien have u as a pet

    SpaceBoi: I will See You Tomorrow

    Friday13: I'll tell Dick he can use u as an ice pack.

    SpaceBoi: Dear Jason, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

    Friday13: I'll tell Alfred!

    HanShotFirst: tell him what?

    Friday13: I don't know! Something!

    SpaceBoi: Dearest Jason,

    I hope this letter finds you well. I am delighted by the prospect of seeing you tomorrow, and look forward to the fun we shall have.

    Sincerely,

    Danny

    Friday13: 😢😢😢😬😬 please no

    HanShotFirst: hey my buddy Ned sent me a toilet paper alignment chart

    (HackerVoice): just kiss already

    HanShotFirst: umm Ned and I are platonic best friends forever

    (HackerVoice) changed HanShotFirst's name to CinnamonRoll!

    (HackerVoice): not u, bby boy

    CinnamonRoll: You're only 1 year older than me? Also isn't the CinnamonSpider thing overdone?

    PackersCult: unrelated question, do you want a free dad?

    ---

    "We've asked people to submit photos of their favorite billionaires involved in the Best Billionaire contest. After several months, multiple surprise elections, and radical changes to our government and healthcare systems, the Best Billionaire has finally been announced!"

    "We're going all the way from the bottom to the top, with top winning the Best Billionaire award! Keep voting! Each week, one billionaire will be eliminated from the contest."

    Just then, a picture of a balding overweight white man crossed the screen.

    "In last place is Karl Rothschild, CEO of Nestlay. Critics emphasize his use of slavery in products along with near slave labor and poor treatment of employees as reasons for falling out of the contest."

    "Tune into us next week same time to see #9!"

    -

    "Thanks for joining us over Christmas break, Spiderman. We have a very important question for you," said Danny in his ghost form.

    "Super important," Connor agreed. "Nacho cheese or cool ranch doritos?"

    "Cool ranch," came a shout.

    "Dad, you eat ranch on everything, you don't count!" Connor shouted back.

    "Flamin Hot Limón is where it's at," he said. "Or the Chile Limón."

    "That's a thing?"

    "Sometimes I forget you're both from the midwest," Spidey said diplomatically. "Wanna try some?"

    "Sure! What other snacks do we have? I know you used dad's card to buy like...a bunch of stuff."

    "Oh, like half of it is weird cheese stuff he said I had to try. But I got some really good cup noodles!"

    "Some really-" Danny shook his head. "A billionaire gave him free credit card access and he buys ramen. What else you get?"

    "Um. Snacks mostly. Hey wanna try some? My metabolism is crazy so I got kind of a lot."

    "Yeah, sure! Oh- hold up, Chat is asking a bunch of questions. Ok, Phantom, user ItsPronouncedGIF wants to know what moon rocks taste like."

    Danny sighed and relaxed. "The most forbidden of cromnches. So crunchy the word crunchy just won't do. And the radiation tingles."

    "Crazy question," began Spiderman, "but have you ever tried those super spicy Korean noodles?"

    Danny grinned. "I'll try those if you try booberries."

    "Blueberries?" Asked Connor, sure he misheard.

    "Nah. Here, let me just-" Danny used his claws to dig into his own chest and pull out a glowing, dripping satchel. When he opened it, a few dozen whispery child-like voices said: "Boo!"

    "Um. Are they alive?"

    Phantom shrugged, the movement made awkward by dangling entrails. "Debatable. They like being eaten, though."

    "Eat us!" Shouted the berries. Danny tossed one back and swallowed, as the berries all cheered.

    "Ok, no. Not doing that. Spidey. Spidey, no!"

    -

    "Mall tour! It's just me, Phantom, Spidey, and Jason."

    "And the security team," Jason added.

    "I'm hungry," Phantom complained.

    "Me too," Spiderman agreed. "Hey, there's a pizza place!"

    "How can you be hungry after you melted your face off and ate a bunch of screaming berries," Connor said as they darted off, chased by men in suits and ear pieces. He sighed after a moment and turned towards Jason. "Want some pizza?"

    "Bro, we just ate like 20 minutes ago," Jason replied.

    "That wasn't the question."

    -

    @PythagorasWasFramed

    Ok call me crazy but isn't Jason Todd dead? Like why is he here?

    #OnlyInGotham more like #OnlyInWisconsin #JasonTodd #WayneKid

    >@TerasaurPIsSilent

    >bro u can't just ask why somebody isn't dead. Besides they r literally hanging out with Phantom. U no, the ghost king?

    #ToddsNotDead #OnlyInWisconsin #AmityParkBitches

    @Kwanorama

    Yooooo booberries! Those little guys are amazing!

    >@MargieLovesKitties

    >THOSE WERE REAL?!?!

    >>@Kwanorama

    >> they make you feel SO AWESOME. And not depressed at all.  You know what they say, if you don't make your own serotonin, store bought is fine!

    -

    "Ok guys," Connor said, now sitting at a booth. Empty plates sat in front of all of them. "We have a list. Where do we start?"

    The list was long and confusing, with many items containing arrows to still others. "Let's do the stuff we know for sure," suggested Spiderman. "What’s pickleball?"

    "You don't know what pickleball is?"

    "I'm assuming it's not a ball made of pickles, but other than that, no," Jason said.

    "I hate to tell you this Connor, but they're not from the midwest. We'll have to show them."

    "Uhhhh I don't know if I like the way you're looking at me."

    "Boys," said an unexpected voice, "what are you doing?"

    "We're just showing them how to play pickleball," Connor said with innocent wide eyes.

    "That's not how you play pickleball," he said in apparent amusement. He slipped a member of the security team a $50. "Grab me a 6 pack of something strong, will you? And something for yourself."

    -

    @HarrietChinWKSB

    You better not be showing a bunch of children how to play drunk pickleball @VladMastersCEO.

    >@YouKnowWhoIAm

    >That sounds fun!

    >>@HarrietChinWKSB

    >>Connor is 15, Spiderman is like a 5 year old golden retriever, and depending on your source, Phantom is either around 4 or 8,000 years old. The only one for sure over 21 is Jason Todd.

    >>>@YouKnowWhoIAm

    >>>Not that bad. Spidey's 15, not 5. And my dad started me drinking when I was 10. I was mostly fine.

    >>>@YouKnowWhoIAm

    WHY IS MY THERAPIST CALLING ME?

    -

    "WHAT DID WE LEARN?" Connor shouted. Vlad was wheezing with laughter and being fussed over by a concerned Spiderman and his head of security.

    "Just because the Cinnamon Apple soap smells good doesn't mean it tastes good," Danny said mournfully. A soap bubble escaped his mouth.

    Vlad choked and wordlessly handed his card to a concerned Lush salesperson. "Get everything on the list. And buy something nice for yourself, you deserve it."

    @PhantomPhan

     THIS is the only version of Boys will be Boys I will accept. Also, props for Masters- not a drop of bloody mary was spilled. Is the roasting just a Wisconsin thing or....

    >@RealDeadGuy

    >He was probably just mad I leaked his nudes last year.

    >>@PhantomPhan

    nani the fuck???

    #DoINeedToChangeMyUsername

    >@WheresTheBlacksmith

    >The drunk pickleball is our state sport, and you've got to be WAY more drunk than that to spill your liquor. That's just how we are.

    #WelcomeToWisconsin #Population: #HighFunctioningAlcoholics #AndDairyFarmers

    @TacoooooTuezday

    Spidey is so innocent, I love him so much. I hope nothing bad ever happens to him again he deserves nice things. 💗🕸🕷

    >@SpaceBoi

    > Why did u say that @TacoooooTuezday???? U just challenged the universe.

Chapter Text

    "We're playing Gary's Mod today! We were going to play Phasmaphobia, but-"

    "It's so racist! Or would that be wraithist," Phantom muttered.

    "Hey guys, sorry I'm late!" Tim said, "but I bought the best gamer in the house with me."

    "Hi! I'm Steph!"

    "Who else are we waiting on, Danny? Anyone on your end," asked Connor.

    "Sam and Tucker are logging on now. Where's Spiderman?"

    A ding echoed, then, "hey guys, it's Sam, and I have the other Danny* with me. Tuck's joining now."

    They waited a few minutes. "So... anybody heard from Spidey?"

    "Let me check the group chat, maybe Jason borrowed him," said Connor.

    👻👽🕷 Undead Arachnids 🕷👽👻

    SupaFly: Peter did you forget the game? Lol

    SupaFly: Hey Jason do you have Peter?

    Friday13: No, he was supposed to log in from NYC. I'm not even in the states right now.

    SupaFly: he's late.

    Friday13: right, try Tony. I'm going to check with his normal friends & aunt.

    "Hold on guys, I'm going to try Mr. Stark, Jason is trying to call Spidey's aunt."

    @HeadBitchInDebt

    Hey tag everyone in this so they can see it. Daily Bugle just said Spidey was arrested by Ross.  https://www.NYCDailyBugle.net/article/Spiderman.breaking.news.7680001

    @ConnorMastersOfficial @RealDeadGuy @YouKnowWhoIAm @PepperPottsCEO @VladMastersCEO

    #RossHasSpidey #FuckRoss #FreeSpidey #CinnamonSpider

    >@RealDeadGuy

    > Thanks. I know a guy.

    "Guys," said Phantom, "I'm dropping off. I'm gonna tell the Wisconsin Ghost. Somebody start tagging the bats in stuff, they're good at tracking people."

    @YouKnowWhoIAm

    I think @RealDeadGuy and this Wisconsin Ghost should be allowed to eat Ross. As a treat. Also, BRB gotta go make every military base in the US check for illegally obtained teenagers.

    #FuckRoss #FreeSpidey

    >@JimRhodes

    > NOBODY is eating anyone. The military is searching through all bases, and we are attempting to obtain a warrant for Ross' properties.

    #FreeSpidey

    >>@₩!$《●n$!nGj●$t

    >> it's been a long time since I ate anyone. I think I'm rather hungry. (Corrupted image: pitch black room. Glowing red eyes sit above a massive grinning maw of teeth, backlit by glowing pink)

    VERY hungry.

    #FeedGhosts #FuckRoss #FreeSpidey

    >>>@CertifiedMonsterFr

    >>>>Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with me.

    >>>>>@TheDashinator

    >>>>> Don't worry bro, it's not gay if he's dead. We even have t-shirts!

    Shop.Redbubble.com/AmityPark

    And we're like inclusive and shit, so we've got it's not lesbian if she's dead too. Those ones have Ember on it but Dale wanted the lunch lady Ghost on it and I don't know if I want to know why.

    #GOOOOOOO RAVENS #ItsNotGayIfHesDead

    -

    "Voters have spoken! Number 8 in the Best Billionaire contest is Evon Mush."

    The other news anchor gestured at an image of Mush. "Our voters had a lot of comments about Mush, but it boiled down to his financial instability, poor treatment of employees, and his not doing anything positive with his wealth."

    "Keep voting, viewers! Go to the Best Billionaire official page at the link below, and tell us who is your least favorite and most favorite billionaire in the contest, and why."

    "As a reminder, our remaining contestants are: Tony Stark, Reed Richards, Vlad Masters, Bruce Wayne, Lex Luthor, Norman Osborn, Jeffery Bezod, and Donald Trump."

    -

    The radio blared details about the popularity contest, and Natasha Romanoff sneered. A popularity contest between men with the biggest egos in the world wasn't her cup of tea- but tracking the motorcade carrying a drugged Spiderman definitely was.

    She'd let them get close to wherever they were heading, and at the first sign of trouble, she would have a bargaining chip- and Ross would lose his.

    -

    "Hey, so, uh-"

    "Who are you," Steph asked. "You don't sound like Spiderman."

    "I- Chair in the Guy my name's- no, that came out wrong, sorry, my-"

    The voice was cut off by a teenage girl's. "We're Spiderman's people. The Guy in the Chair's got tracking on the Spidey-suit, but neither of us are exactly superhuman. Wanna help?"

    "We're in," said Connor, "nobody tell my dad though, or I'll be grounded. Bye, chat!"

    @VladMastersCEO

    Do you think he knows I watch these sometimes? Also, I have people for this sort of thing, we'll get Spiderman, don't worry.

    Does anyone else's children make them panic on a regular basis?

    #SoGrounded #IncrediblyGrounded

    >@ScaryReporter

    >4 words: Italy, Cocaine, Icepick Joe

    #LeaveMyBabyAlone #IWillGroundHim

    >>@VladMastersCEO

    >> I can do it in 3 words: summer vacation 1989.

    #TechnicallySpeakingHe'sMine #FeedRossToGhosts

    ---

    "Talk fast, children," Vlad ordered. Joys of teleportation- he was there faster than Peter's friends- likely 'Ned' and 'MJ' could share any info.

    "Holy! How did you-"

    "Edwin Reyes Magsayay Ocampo. Astoria is a rough neighborhood, but your parents do the best they can. Michelle Ariana Jones- barely two blocks away. Your mother does the best she can, but she might as well be single with the effort your father puts in," he said, sounding for all the world quite bored.

    Connor was suddenly reminded that for all the love and care his adopted father was capable of, he was a villain, capable of doing some truly repugnant acts.

    "This can go one of two ways," the villain continued, "I prefer the first one. Tell me what I need to know, we rescue your friend, and your families debts just dissapear. Keep helping, and you'll be able to attend any ivy league school and get a doctorate without once wondering how to pay for it."

    "I'm in! I'm so in, MJ we're in, let me get the-"

    "Hold up. Not that I'm refusing," she said, "but I like to know my specifics. What about HBCs?"

    "I admire that in a person I'm dealing with. You're in," he promised.

    "Any degree?"

    "Any degree."

    "He was taken from across Oscorp, north side. Ned's tracking, I'm a little concerned about the Black Widow following him."

    "If you're going to come, Connor, you ride with security. I need you coordinating."

    And then he was gone.

    "Dude," Ned whispered in awe, "is Vlad Masters Batman? I feel like he's maybe Batman."

    "With that accent," asked Steph in disdain. "Besides, the butts don't match."

    "Wait," said Tim with a glint in his eye, "have you ever noticed how many languages Batman speaks? Who says he can't do accents?"**

    -

    The motorcade stopped to change vehicles, from large black SUVs to an eclectic mix of 4 door civilian sedans and vans. They didn't know what hit them- Ross wasn't in the same car as Spiderman, and so survived the onslaught of blades.

    Their only clue was when she drove off east- leaving four bodies on the asphalt behind her.

    -

    "The tag on Romanoff changed directions," said MJ. "It's closer to Spiderman's, too."

    "You're three blocks off," said Ned, "I'm going to make it an extra long red for her."

    "Which car is hers?"

    "Yellow Mitsubishi Mirage, 2018," Ned replied. Traffic began to back up; Romanoff was prepared for police, even Stark- she rode with a gun she could put to Spiderman's head in half a second or less. She wasn't quite prepared for Spiderman's enhanced metabolism.

    One moment, she was debating the pros and cons of getting out of this traffic (pro: faster movement, con: making a scene), and the next there was a red boot sticking out through the passenger seat.

    The body contorted itself in insectoid jerks until the mask was looking at her in a process that took less than a single unsettling second. "Swiper no swiping!"

    -

    "The New York Times has a new name for Spiderman- the Self Rescuing Princess. The Daily Bugle, on the other hand, is calling him something else entirely. Let's get a word in from J.J. Jameson and our other guest- Avengers Military and UN liason, recently promoted Colonel James Rhodes."

    "Thank you for having me here today," said the Colonel, immediately interrupted by J.J. shouting.

    "Spiderman is an out of control menace!"

    -

    "Hi everybody, thanks for joining us at the Lore Nerds channel! Today we're looking more at real life- is Spiderman the irl Main Character?"

    "Nah bro, he's just-"

    "The man has two billionaires, the US Military, and some very freaky undead monsters looking for him because he's like 10 minutes late to playing a game. Tell me that's not main character bullshit."

    "Guys," began the third young man, "is nobody going to talk about how sad the Wisconson Ghost was when Colonel Rhodes said he couldn't eat anyone?"

    "No, Derek, do not-"

    Derek stood and pulled off his hoodie, revealing an 'It's Not Gay If He's Dead' shirt.

    "Derek, no."

    "Derek, yes. I'm going to [BEEP] that ghost!"

    "Hey Mike," said the first man, "we should maybe let him try. For science."

    "Jesus Al, am I the only sane one here? NOBODY is [BEEP]ing a ghost! That's neurophilia!"

    "I think you mean 'necrophobia'," said Derek.

    "Necrophilia. The word you're looking for is-"

    "I KNOW WHAT WORDS MEAN!"▪︎

    -

    @realdeadguy

    Someone's sad he didn't get to eat a superspy. [Image Description: A dejected demonic figure with long ears turned downward pouts at a hamburger. A red- gloved hand is on its' head. /End Image Description]

    >@ConnorMastersOfficial

    > He wouldn't really eat someone, would he? And is that Spiderman? Is he OK?

    >>@realdeadguy

    >>He was just going to maim her a little. Spidey's fine. Check out the video:

    The video attached had thousands of likes within the first 10 minutes. In it, Spiderman gingerly patted the ghost's head.

    "T̷̛͍̩͉͑͑̊̽́͂͑̀̀̓̊̀̌͒̅̑̇̓̉̚̚͠ẖ̷̡̨̧̧̧͎̬̺͔̗̺̞̺̱͎̗̲̟̺̭̬̗̝̞̗͖̙̰͇̬͙͓̱͔͕͕̮̩̠͔̝̯̠̳͕̱̝̜̤̼̫̟͂͛͂͛̃̽͋̃̎̒͐̅̄̋͗͒̋̓̽̃͊̆̓̈̄̂̓̽̊͂̐̊̑̀̔̽͗̊̀̓̈́͜͝͠͝͠͝͝͠ͅe̴̡̲̳͕͉͚̠̥̥͓͈͖̪͎̹͔̙͖̮͚͖̪͋̓͛̔͒́̀͛̈́̽̓̐̽̽̀̇̇̒͒͊̉͐̈̓̇̊̅͒͆́̈́̏́̕͜͜͜͜͝͝y̶̧̢̧̢̢̛̛͇̖͎͔̬͖̙̼̲̻͔̥̻͓͔̥̺͋̉̋͌͋͆̄͂̾̃͆̔̇̅̍̂̈́̄̈́́̐̆͋̒̀͗̓̀͒̽́̏͆͆́̓̆̀͆̕͘̚͠͝͝ͅ'̵̧̢̡̧̢̛̠̩̫͇̭̤̫̺͍̞̬͈̦͈̘̰̣̗̮̖̳̭͔̮̪̮̍̎͐̋̓̓́̇̏́̕͠ͅŗ̵̢̡̢̛̛̛̱̖͍̲̟̼̖̜̙̗̠̱͕̯̮̜͖͖̼̜̯̜̩͎̠̣̺͚̙̼̦̹̖̀̓̓̅̾̀̉̒̿̐̌̂͐͂͋̔̊͗̐̅͊͆̽̑͌̆͐͗̔̌͂̔͌͌͋̇̓̍͌̿̌͆͐̑̓͆̋̀̄̆͊̃̚͜͝͠͝͝͝ͅė̷̢̧̡̫͇̯̹̰̣̜̹̥̠̫͇͔̦̘̟̗̣̖̯̜̤̘̠͓̖͕̙̖̫̻͙̮̹͓̻͖̯͋̉́͑͌̏̂̄͗͆͊̈́̃̈́̈̅́̃̾̋̄̈́̕͜͝ͅ ̶̢̢̡̛̰̖̯̣̺̼͕̦̫̰̫̱̯̮͎͎̜͖̝̮̠̩̳̺̟͖̪̻̺͎͖͈̞̯͖̯̥͕͔͚̪͈͔͍͕̗̲͈̯̼̥̼̭͙͎̭̋͒̋̓̑̃̆̌͊̄̓̈́́̑̃̎̀̅̄̎͋͐̓̔̾̌̽͗̓̍̽̐̓̾̄̇͋͋̈́͋͑͂̆͘̚̕͘͘͘̚͝ͅǫ̸̲̱̼̣͍̰̗̲̜̼̖̱͎̲̙͖̠̭͇̻͉͚͔͓̞̦̗̙̞̟̤̖͕͚̣̟̞̭̙̝̙̦̦̬̞́́̓̍̾̈́͊̇͐͑̆̂̓̑̑͊̄̅̃̓̽̅̕̕͝ͅͅư̷̡̺̼̱͕̼̗͖̜͉͚̺̝̪̓͆̃͛͑͐̅͑̋̓̉̄̃̈́̃̆́̾͂̅͑̓̽͋̉͌͜͝͠t̶͖̝̏̅͂͒͊́̓͋͊̿̂̈́̀̌̾͆̈́̈́̃͌́̍̀̀͛̄̄̄̊̔̿̏̑̋͊̀̅͂͌͆̿̅͂̾̇̕͠͝͠͝͝͝ͅ ̵̧̧͈̺̩̤̯̜̺̹̖̙̦̱̯͖̫̰͍̘̪͈͓̻͙̟̗̱̹̱̹͉̲͔̫͍̪̟̹͇̹̝̮͕̣͎̜̰̯̥͙̺̺̻̯̯̘̳̹̈́͊̊̅́͜͜ͅͅͅơ̷̡̛̛̪̖̟̯̱̆̒̈̅͆̾̐̉̓̌̐͊̄͆̈́̆̓̾̑̽̈́̎̏̏͗͒̀͗̿̈́́̍͊̿̂̚͠͝͠f̶̛̻͍̤͔͇̞̯̯̙͕̳͔̰̗͇̩͉̠̓̑̎̐̔̇̉͐̑̓̒̊͆͆̃̂͆͑͊̊̆͐͗̍͆̃̀͛̈́̓͌́̑͐̀͋̔̌̈́̚͘͜͜͠͝͝ ̴̧̨̨̢̛̲̮̘̦̠̬͎͉̞͎̟̞̼̱̱̙͙̗͍̗̲͙̞̤̯̤͉͎̥͇̦͙͖̱̦̼͔͕̘̦̝͎͓̺͉͚͔̝̮̟͕̘̳̀̽̿̈̀̃́̈͊̈̐̓̋̆̂͗̅̈̇͗̽͂̃͆̏͌̒͗́̌̓̓̎̎̔̕͘͘̕͜͝͝͝ć̸̨̢̢̧̛̟̹̖̲̥̬̯̱̼͎̦͍̤̝̗̥͉̱̮̦̬̰͙̰̰̬͎̞͈̰̘̜̪̯͈̬͔̻̮͚͈͉̈́̐̿̿̎̀̽̂͆͂̄̈́́̽̽̀̑̓̀̈́́͆̈̂͆͑̄̊̈̇̀̇͛̄̑͗̋̈́̇̀̐̈́̋̎͌͋̒̄̐͌̕̕͜͝͠͝͠ḩ̴̧̡̡͓̻͚͉̰̯̭̥̥̜͓̻̫̱̥̦̣̙͔̣̗̜̻̥͙̰̱̬͚̗̳̲̠̝̳̊͗́͌̒̽̈͜ͅe̸̢̛̛̲̠̦͕̮͇̝̮̤̼͉̠̫̻͇̖̐̈́̍̅̒͋̓̊̚̕͜͠͝ͅe̴̢̧̡̢̢̧̡̨͓̱̟̠̺̠̹̭̰̭̝̰̦̬͇̜͓̞̰͍̜͉͙̞̞͈̞̗̺͔̼̙͍͉̦̪̗͂͂̓̋̏̄̂̄̆̒̊̆͂͒̆̕ͅs̵̡̛̛̳̦̻͆͑̀͒͗̍̂̒͐̑̈͌̽̅͌̋̓̎́̃̋̀̈̋͒̌̊̎́̊̇͛̏̇́͌͐́̿̈́̓̎͛͘͘͝͝͝͝͝e̴͔̭̘̩̣̰̙̫̗̗̺͋̅̈́̾̉̍͋̈̿̓͛͗̏̚," said the ghost. The camera glitched in lines of pink, yellow, and green.

    "I know," said the familiar voice of Spiderman, "but it's a vegan restaurant."

    "Ì̶͚̺̗͓̟̖̗̝͚̤͈͔̫̮̩͐̎̌̆̈͜ͅt̴̲̰̎̊̿͋͘͠͠'̴̨̝̙̼̭̗̝̭͉̪̝̤̊̅̒̔͑̇̔͐͌͋͐͘s̸͎̺̦̲̟͚̲̩̺̤̣͖̠͕͇̈́͛̊͆̈̿̉ ̸̡̗̌̓̾ń̴̛͈̖̲̻͈͔̝͇̗͍͒̂̒̆̀̾̈́͒̄̌̈͂͘o̵̡̰̙̠̩̒̅̀͆̈͐͋͗͝ṭ̷̡̡͈̺̳̞͇̦͈̈͒͗̈̏̄̕ͅ ̶͈͓̙͉̻͓̳̞̘͙̩̻̐̐͐́̎͐̈́̃̾̚͜e̵̩̹͈͕͙̟̲̰̺̼͖͓̻̳̣̅͋̓́͆̏̆͒̃̈́̒̇͘͘͝͝v̵̫̹̄́̽̒̌̀̐͊̎͌̒̕̚ê̵̢͈͉̻̭̞̾̽̈́͠n̷̨͍̜͍̖̯̻̞̻̈͑̂̽́̀͂͗̊͜͝͝ ̸̡̨̣̬͓̪̺͚̼̣̭̰̣̟͇̩̅͐̄̈́͛̏͒͋͠ͅr̶̛͕͖̳͚͇̫͈̱͕̊̕e̴͖͓͆͝ȁ̷̧̞̱̘̹̈́̈́̌́̓̓̉̂̈́̀̃̄̉̓͜͜͝͠ͅl̵̥̤̗̦̬̠̦̤̻̦̮̝̤͑͜͜ͅ ̸̧̬̱̘̲̲̤̻̱̦͕̜̹̍̈̅͊̒͜m̵̛̘̜̝̗̩͋͑̈̔͒͊̌͌̃̋̓̈͝͠͠e̶̢̧̡̦̥̯̙̗͈̥̗̯̯̽͑͂̄̄͑͌͛͛͒̅͜͠a̷̛̬͗͂̀̐͌͊̄̇̏̐̊͂̄̓̕͝t̶̖̘̗͖̗̝͕̦̫͌́͑̚͠͠͝ͅ?" The voice asked, again causing the camera to glitch.

    "Sorry man- I mean ghost. What are your pronouns anyway?"

    "C̶̢͇͖͚̣̠͉̰͕͕̀̂̈́͒̄͋̂́͂̎͋͂̾̆̈̚͝ạ̵̩̥͍̏ͅń̵̢͇͉̖̗̺͙̖̋̀̀͑͆̐́̉͂̒͛̒ ̶̛̟̙̥͇͎̗͉̻͔̭̥̭̫̣̂̽̐͒̾́̆̀̒̑̇͘̚͘͜͠Ȋ̸̬̱̱̠̠̈́̿̿͗̓͛̌̋͋͋̌ ̷̤̺́̑̄̉̀͗̾͋̆̿͒̅̚a̴̡͑̈́̆̓͗̒͑̔̌̄̐̚͝͝ť̶̡̢̢̗͓̖̹͎̜̩̘͓̤̆̃̈͋̈ ̵̧̼͙͗̒̾͛̄̈́̓̓͆̕l̷̢̛͎͓̦̞͎̈́̉̎͐̒͜ę̵̗͈̲̺͙̜̾͜ą̵̨͈̝̲͈̺̺̤̺͍͔̤̺̈́̋̉͌͛̀̽̊̑́͗͛́͘͝s̸̡̡̹̪̣͙͎͙̪̝̰̦̩̖̀ͅt̷̗̰͒̿͒̓͛͒̑͘ ̵̢̡̡̨̛͍̹̹̗̗̜̺̱͍͔̩̮̮̐́̽̉̎͌̉͑̏̕ğ̸̡̢̝̩͙͇̪̩̟̱̖̻̙̣̩̮̦̉̇̂̏͘ȩ̸̟̪̮͚̘̘̪̣̥̟̻̩̯́͛̏̈͆̇̍̽̌̀̈́̆̀́̚̚͝ͅͅͅt̵̼̩̙͈̘̰̎͑̾̒͝͝ ̷̳̇̌̂̿̌̓̔̚ā̴̹͕̗͍̱̳̥̲̞͚̓̆͒̓̎͌̂̂̂̉͛̈́̕͝͝͠ ̸̡̨̝͖̩͕̬̞̥͍̦͖̘̹̩̭̞̌̿̈́͗̈̆̍͝b̷̨̩̳̣̼̪͔̠̭̖͚̮̃̈́̍͗͒͜͜ę̴̧̜̖͙̙̫̣͇̄̋̀̾ȅ̴̢̹̳̓͗̓̓̍̈́̏̀̄̔͘͝r̸̮͍̖̜̠̀̍͂̀̀̂́̂̕͠?̴̡͎̗̟͈̪̲͚̗̝̳̜͖̑" The Wisconsin Ghost asked to a passing waitress.

    "Did you magically get an ID?" The young lady asked. In response, the glowing blue monstrosity bubbled and boiled down into a puddle of purplish goo.

    "I don't think he has an ID," said Spiderman to the waitress, who held her tray up as a shield. "Do you have some dairy products? I don't think he's picky."

    The puddle bubbled sadly and two eyes rolled to the top, fixing the waitress with a gory stare. Floating in liquid, it was possible to see the backs of the eyeballs were black, with a small ring of white around the red.

    "Hey kid," said Happy Hogan as he entered the restaurant, "I bought your ghost buddy some- holy fuckin shit, I ain’t paid enough, goddamn it!"

    "Thanks, Mr. Happy," chirped an oblivious Spiderman. "Miss, are you ok?"

    The waitress fainted, luckily caught by Happy Hogan. The blob began absorbing the McDonald's bag, drink and all. "Wait, those aren't your nuggets, you just got a burger."

    "I don't want 'em anymore," Happy breathed out, wide-eyed. "You, uh- you wanna get away from the sentient pile of ooze?"

    The Wisconsin Ghost bubbled. Possibly menacingly, probably hungrily, definitely distressingly.

    "We should get a bucket," said Spiderman.

    "No need," said Phantom. "Soup time!"

    He pulled out a thermos and sucked the Wisconsin Ghost into it. "I have no idea what's happening," whispered Happy, "but I'm done with it."

    "What do you think Ghost soup tastes like?" Danny asked, looking at it speculatively.

     "Danny, no!"

Chapter Text

    "So we're playing Phasmaphobia in real life," Tim asked in delight.

    "That's not-" began Bruce, only to be cut off by excited shouts from the rest of his children.

    "We're not-"

    "Everyone gets torches, sage, salt, cold iron shavings, a temp gage, and a map!" Constantine started tossing bags at Connor, Sam, Tucker, Spiderman, Jazmine, and the members of the Batfamily. "Think of it this way: they get to practice against ghosts that won't kill them."

    Batman sighed, defeated, and Harriet patted him on the shoulder in sympathy. "I'm gonna go be nosy while you guys do ghost hunting stuff."

    "Have fun," Connor said with a laugh.

    "Teams!" Shouted John. "Only idiots or badasses like myself go off alone."

    "Team Undead Arachnid rides again?" Sam suggested.

    "Team Undead Arachnid versus Team Kick Jason's Ass, the rematch!" Shouted Steph to raucous cheers and laughter.

    "Aren't the numbers a little off, with Danny being out of the game?" Bruce asked. "I noticed you put the both of us on Team Kick Ass-"

    "Jason's Ass," Cass insisted. Bruce ignored her with the supreme indeference only a father of six could manage.

    "Making it 8 to 6 in our favor."

    Constantine shrugged. "Gotta make it fair somehow."

    -

    "Why did Danny have to pick an abandoned warehouse?"

    Tucker shrugged. "Man, why'd you have to get kidnapped near an abandoned warehouse?"

    Sam rolled her eyes. "Boys, we're hunting Team Kick Jason's Ass. Speaking of, Jason, you're the expert here."

    "Wait," Jazmine raised a hand, "I thought we were hunting Danny."

    "Amateurs."

    "Excuse you, Kon?"

    "Amateurs," he sneered, then laughed when Spiderman kicked him playfully. "Sam's right on this one. Danny's just bored. We give him a show, he comes out. We win, maybe we get my dad. And if we don't, I'll see how much Danny likes lasers."

    "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I thought Mr. Masters was your dad," exclaimed Spiderman. "Oh! No, he's your uncle. Is the Wisconsin Ghost your biological father?"

    "He is," said Jason before Kon could react.

    "No he's not!"

    "Spiderman, listen to me," Jason said, gripping Peter by the shoulders. "Kon and the Wisconsin Ghost's father son relationships are really messed up. They need your help."

    "No we don't! And he's not my- Sam, put that kryptonite back in the bag! I need to fight Jason."

    Jason looked over at her. "Wait, you just have kryptonite?"

    "I like being prepared," she replied.

    "Respect."

    -

    The other team was having greater success. At least, they hoped. "Is it supposed to be making this noise?"

    "You're holding it upside down!"

    "Replacement, if I needed help from-"

    "If you don't want my help, don't go climbing after New York City's smelliest rats next to me!"

    Constantine cleared his throat and offered a bottle to Bruce. "Wanna hit?"

    "What is it?"

    The man shrugged, took a gulp, and, without so much as a flinch, replied "moonshine."

    Bruce took it, sighed, then returned the bottle. "Thanks. But I need to be sober around this group."

    Cass tapped him on the shoulder and signed, "Tim wants to make a pipe bomb to scare Danny. Dick has ingredients. He is helping."

    Bruce looked longingly at the jug. "TIM! DICK!"

    "Aww, my flashlight," Stephanie whined. "Did you get this from a dollar store?"

    There was another deep sigh before Duke lit up the room. "Let's go find ghosts, she said. Spiderman needs help, she said. And I'm stuck over here with-"

    "He did need help!" Stephanie objected.

    "He rescued himself," Duke deadpanned.

    "But he's so little and helpless."

    -

    Tucker groaned at the sight of the caved-in stairs. Jazmine groaned as her light went out as well. "Hey, any of you with night vision feel like sharing a flashlight?"

    Multiple sets of reflective eyes looked at her. "Yeah, here, it's actually a good one," said Tucker, and she felt a heavy rod pushed into her hand. She was contentious enough to point it straight up before turning it on. "And bonus, that thing's solid enough to use as a weapon."

    She would be completely shocked if anyone or anything got past the group of teenagers (and 20-something with a nightvision helmet) around her. If her brother even let them get that close.

    "You know," mused the resident half Kryptonian, "I feel like Spidey and I could just...carry us up there."

    "I'm really enjoying the adventure, though. It's kinda helping me calm down," replied the arachnid-themed superhero.

    "We could talk about that if you want, work past some of that recent and built-up trauma," Jazz offered, knowing the response.

    "Maybe not," he answered, more polite than most. She could settle for that.

    -

    Danny opened the thermos, knowing what he'd see- or, rather, what he wouldn't. "Just had to go eat Ross, huh?"

    The mostly empty thermos didn't respond.

    -

    General Thaddeus Ross hadn't been having a good year; he was smart enough to know that asshole Stark had made a deal with someone, informed enough to know his luck turned for the worse after he visited Wisconsin, and experienced to know there were some people no one in their right mind messed with.

    Vlad Masters was one of them, hence Spiderman's safety.

    People who upset Stark ended up in prison, bankrupt, or dead.

    People who upset Masters were lucky to just end up in jail or dead. Ross had been a Corporal back in the Acid Eye incident. He remembered being frozen, unable to move or speak as Private Tomlinson had been forced backwards, sulfuric acid being dripped slowly into-

    Even now, he couldn't talk about it.

    The Wisconsin native hadn't had any sort of punishment for publicly torturing and maiming a soldier. He still remembered the Secretary of State asking if the (then) young man was satisfied.

    As a promising soldier he'd been forced to join them later at some 5-star restaurant. He hadn't even been able to eat- until Masters had asked, in that too-polite Midwestern accent, if he needed some motivation to act normal.

    Ross hadn't forgotten a single detail. The helplessness, the feeling of being hunted years after, especially after receiving undeniable proof the man didn't like loose ends.

    Masters was the very essence of Machiavellian,* and had an aura of indomitable terror Thaddeus had tried to emulate. But he lacked the ability to hide in plain sight or control public opinion like that snake.

    In retrospect, Spiderman had been the most idiotic idea he'd had in his life. Hadn't he seen the videos of Masters' son (if the boy even was his son, and not just purchased off a street corner) and Spiderman? Of Masters and Spiderman? 

    If the damn Hulk hadn't been hiding out somewhere again-

    There was nothing better than being in Masters' good graces. Nothing worse than being on his shit list.

    That damned Widow messed everything up. It was a quick get in-get out sort of affair, and even one he could blame on the owner of the vehicles that had been loaned to him- Oscorp. Leaking the information had been smart, for a woman who'd been dumb enough to leave Stark's protection. 

    Not anymore.

    A blast of heat hit him, and he cursed the used truck's faltering AC and heater systems. Ross reached into his chest pocket to pull out a cigarette, only to find a paper.

    He looked at it and felt his blood run cold.

    Private Tomlinson stood with the rest of the squad, grinning brightly. Someone had burnt out his eyes.

    Ross turned the photo over to discover his own handwriting. This was the copy in his bedside drawer.

    Below it, in sharp, perfectly even and accurate cursive, were words that made his blood run cold.

    "General, you should've told me you needed more encouragement to behave yourself before all of this."

    He knew who it was.

    "Change of plans, we're going to the private bunker. Take a left here," he ordered.

    The driver didn't turn. Ross prepared to berate the man, but the soldier was sweating and shaking, and he caught a glimpse of something in the rear view mirror.

    Not something. Someone.

    "Why, hello there General! Did you ever think of why you became General? Certainly wasn't your political savvy," said a face that featured frequently in his nightmares.

    "Mr. Masters," he said, trying to maintain control of the situation.

    "I have to send a message. Hold still for a moment, will you, Thaddeus? If you don't mind."

    This was just the same as the incident with Tomlinson, he realized. No matter what he did, how hard he struggled, he just couldn't move.

    VMan: keep them distracted for an hour or two. I'll be right back.

    Danny: you always go back to your old ways, don't you?

    VMan: let's have a meeting later. Just the two of us

    -

    "Oh no, I hope I don't fall," Tucker shouted, annunciating perfectly.

    Sam shoved him, causing him to release a very real screech before Kon grabbed him by the back of his shirt. "Sam!"

    "What? That wasn't exactly realistic. Besides, the ledge is like 6 inches down."

    Both boys looked over, releasing simultaneous 'oh's.

    There was a blood curdling shriek from the distance and Sam clapped her hands. "Hear that boys? A professional."

    "That sounds like Dick," Jason said. "Let's go."

    -

    "This is probably a bad idea," said Danny.

    "Please? Come on, it'll be fun, right?" Youngbood, the sole actual resident of the thermos, asked.

    "Remember the rules?"

    "Rules, shmules!"

    Danny shrugged. "Time out again, then-"

    "I remember the rules! I remember the rules!"

    "Okay. And do you swear you'll follow them?"

    The child ghost looked away. "Yeeeees."

    "Try again without your fingers crossed."

    His assistant, this time a floating skeletal monkey to Youngblood's jungle explorer, rapped the ghost child on his head.

    "Ow! Fine, I swear I understand and will obey your rules. Happy?"

    "Very. Go have fun."

    "Yipee!"

     If this didn't keep them busy, he didn't know what would. 

Chapter Text

    "Hey guys, we're going to try something new," said Tim, setting down a basket with a thud on the table. He looked directly at the camera and added, "this is for you."

    "Oh no," whispered Connor, "it's the food thing, isn't it?"

    "It won the poll," Tim replied solemnly.

    ---

    >@JJJameson

    And now Spiderman is coercing children into dangerous stunts! Will his evil never cease?

    >>@TheNiceKaren

    They're teenage boys. They share the brain cell when in groups or around pretty girls. Or were you never a teenager?

    ---

    "So for anyone who didn't read the rules! You mail us non-tampered packages or send us recipes, and we have to try them," Tim continued. "God save us all."

    "It can't be that bad," Danny said with an eye roll.

    Tim reached into the basket. "Pregnancy pickles- pickled in shrimp brine with extra sugar for that sweet tooth," he read from the label.

    With a pop, the jar opened, and Connor and Spiderman reeled backwards. "Nope! Veto!"

    "Are you sure you want to use it for this? We each only get one, and Danny's using his for the blood blossom cookies," Tim warned.

    "Wait, why does Danny get to know what's in there," Spiderman asked, "and we don't?"

    "Maybe because nobody here but me and Tim have food allergies, and blood blossoms will make my organs melt?" Danny returned.

    "Fair," the arachnid agreed.

    Tim bit into a pickle, making a highly uncomfortable face. The other three watched him like hawks. "I'm not sure if I hate this or I'm disturbed by how much I like it," Tim said, and passed the jar around.

    Danny shrugged noncomitally when he bit into his. "Texture isn't great, but it isn't terrible. Flavor is a little too shrimpy for me, but I'm not a seafood fan. I'd give it a 3/10. Not the worst pickle, definitely not the best."

    "Hold up, if he's taking this seriously, I will too," Spiderman vowed, bit into the pickle, and gagged. "Dude, if that's a 3 for you, I wouldn't survive a 2. Have the makers never eaten a decent pickle? Ever?"

    "It's made for pregnant people, and last I checked, none of us are pregnant," Connor defended. He bit into it and made a considering noise. The other three watched in fascinated horror as he finished it. "That's actually not bad. The smell is rank, but I'd give it a solid 5 for flavor. I'll finish off the jar."

    Tim shook his head. "Right, so Connor has a weird sense for flavors. Next up, canned unicorn meat."

    "Like, actual unicorns? Don't look at me like that, I just fought ice-cream obsessed chipmunks with laser eyes and mini-chainsaw hands last week," Spiderman said, "I've seen arguably weirder things than a horse with a horn."

    "Fair. Tim?"

    The man in question opened the tin- and immediately threw a plushie unicorn head at Connor, tossing the body at Danny. "1/10 for flavor, 10/10 for cuteness."

    "I don't know, flavor isn't bad, texture is the problem. Solid 4/10, better than the pickles," Danny said. He unhinged his jaw, opening a massive maw to drop the rest of the body down.

    "Wait, wait- how wide does your jaw get?"

    Danny shrugged. "I mean, technically speaking, I should be able to swallow busses whole in my largest form, but I'm in my human- friendly one, so I'm not sure."

    "You have more forms? Can we see," Connor asked excitedly.

    "I mean, I'm kind of an eldritch abomination of cosmic proportions, so it probably wouldn't be great," the glowing young man explained hesitantly.

    "Awwwww."

    Danny patted Spiderman's shoulder gingerly. "I'm sorry, buddy, I like you guys sane."

    "Bold of you to assume I was ever sane," Tim sniffed. "This next one is from a recipe Guy Fierri sent in. Don't worry Alfred, I promise I didn't try to cook."

    Connor looked from the Gothamite's surprisingly earnest face to the camera. "There's a story here."

    "I'm not allowed in the kitchen at home," Tim admitted. "Unless it's just grabbing something from the fridge. I'm also not allowed to use the kitchen as a lab, and those things are very much linked."

    ----

    >@OHNOIEXPLODED

    Tell em about the bomb

    >>@RedDeadFan

    The WHAT

    ----

    "No, Steph, this is not Tim the accidental Gotham bomber time, this is food time," Tim stated sternly. "Sorry guys, ignore her. She thought the bomb thing was funny."

    "I mean, I do like stories," Danny hinted.

    ----

    >>>@ToddsNotDead

    Yeah Timberly tell em about the time YOU ALMOST BLEW UP OUR HOUSE

    Also Danny, this is day 20 of me telling you to come to Gotham. We can do fun crimes.

    ----

    "Tim, please tell your brother I'm not up to fun crimes... unless he's buying me dinner later."

    "I'm not flirting with my brother for you," Tim deadpanned.

    "I'm more concerned about the bomb thing? Like how did that work," Connor asked.

    "Was it like on accident, or was it just events escalating just way too fast, like the time I saved a bus full of orphans with the rest of Team Red and ended up almost getting arrested because of DP carrying around like a million dollars worth of cocaine in a Hello Kitty fursuit and Double D fistfighting a Jake Paul lookalike while we were in Tokyo?"

    Slowly the three looked at Spiderman. The white eyes of the mask stared unblinking, yet somehow conveyed an almost menacing innocence.

    "Right, can we all agree this story is better than the pressure cooker incident? Because, I for one want to know," Tim said.

    ----

    >@DeadpoolOfficial

    WAIT SPIDEY DON'T FORGET THE GLITTER CYBORG NINJA FAIRIES!

    >>@SpideyOfficial

    Don't worry! I'm still not sure if they're real or not though. 🦾🥷🏽🧚

    >>>@DevilOfHellsKitchen

    I hate all the emojis. Stop it.

    How many times do I have to tell you two they were not real? You were hallucinating because one of you was slipped a hallucinogenic medication. The other one, yes dead pool, sniffed cocaine out of sympathy.

    You were both high.

    >>>>@DeadpoolOfficial

    THEY ARE REAL IN MY HEART, BOOMER!

    🦾🥷🏽🧚 🤜👹

    >>>>>@SpideyOfficial

    And what excuse do U have Mr. Fight an impersonator in Tokyo?

    >>>>>>@DevilOfHellsKitchen

    Spiderman. He had an actual bomb on him and took a bus full of orphans as hostages.

    And he mocked several of our local boxers. He had it coming.

    ----

    "What the fuck," Danny whispered, "how are your adventures more insane than mine? I literally fuck around in the multiverse regularly!"

    Spiderman shrugged. "So wanna hear about the glitter cyborg ninja fairies now or after we finish the taste tests?"

    ----

    (45 minutes later)

    "We have three final boxes- all specifically for Danny- and then we get to hear a story from Spiderman, who has promised to get Deadpool and Daredevil on a 3-way call on our next livestream. We're going to take a break first, so be back in a few hours- I'll post it on Chirper," Tim stated.

    "And, uh, maybe don't get on the second one if you're under 18? Double-D is very descriptive and DP has a thing with creative cursing. He says it's an art form," Spiderman advised.

    He was trying without much luck to get a viewer's 'ultimate cheese fest cheeseburger' sauce out of his collar without much luck.

    "And Tim will tell all about how he almost blew up Wayne Manor," Connor promised, "because if he doesn't, I'll call one of his brothers, and they'll make it sound way worse."

    Tim sighed heavily.

    "Right. So first, Danny- user BootifulPrincess wants to know what Forbidden Honey tastes like, and has sent you a chunk of amber."

    Danny tossed it in the air and caught it, looking at it through the light. He then bit the chunk in half with a soft grinding sound and chewed for a moment with a look of concentration on his face.

    "Verdict is: 7/10 for crunch factor. Not as crunchy as moon rocks, but a nice crunch regardless. 9/10 for flavor, I feel like I just chewed Christmas, so it's probably from a pine tree or relative. Altogether, the Forbidden Honey is a nice snack. One which humans and their soft teeth and weak stomach acid should NOT try."

    Spiderman made grabby hands. The teenage entity sighed with an indulgent look and crushed the amber in a fist, giving Spiderman a smaller piece. "You can suck on it, but don't chew, and don't swallow."

    "And that just took the rating up to R," Connor joked.

    "Hope you're listening with headphones, folks," Tim added. "Next one, Danny, is from user S3xxxyBoy. He says he finds these rocks all the time in his backyard and wants to know what they taste like."

    Danny sniffed at the white rock and cocked his head before giving it an expiramental lick. "This is bone, Mr. Boy, you have a lot of bones in your backyard. There's also a little bit of spirit attached, enough to tell me somebody's been throwing pig bones back there. Also, it smells like beans, and I think you just sent me part of a ham hock to be creepy. Points for style!"

    "Neat," Tim said. "This one is from a user who wants to remain anonymous. She says she left her husband after he had an affair with her sister. Apparently he watches us, so she wants to make him watch you eat the ring, reportedly worth $40,000."

    Tim opened the box, frowned, and held it up to the light. He then pulled out a pocket knife and scratched at the stone. "Ma'am, he's been swindling you for longer than he's been with your sister. This is too soft for diamond or cubic zirconium. I'd say we're looking at lab-grown white sapphire,  possibly something cheaper. As for the setting, this is gold-plated. You could get maybe $300 for it, $400 tops."

    "Rich boy Tim to the rescue," cheered Spiderman. At a look from Danny, he spat out his chunk of amber into a napkin.

    "Danny, will you do the honors?"

    "Gladly. First, the stone itself. 2/10 on crunch, it's not very brittle. 1/10 for flavor, very bland. Onto the metal, it's got a very good iron or maybe copper taste? 8/10 for flavor, but it's maybe gold plated at best. Now what would be tasty is-"

    "Please don't suggest her ex would be tasty, I can only handle so many cannibalism jokes in a day, and Tim's hit that limit," Connor groaned.

    "I'm telling you, Killer Croc is-"

    "You know what? Next episode is cooking with Tim. You should suffer, Tim."

    Spiderman gasped and Danny shrugged, offering a "Don't worry, I'll probably still eat whatever."

    "I might blow up your kitchen!"

    "Did you forget my dad is bougie as hell? We have an outdoor kitchen," Connor said. "You cannot escape."

    Tim groaned dramatically.

    "Um. DP said he'd castrate himself and mail me his dick if I didn't tell everyone about the glitter cyborg ninja fairies, and I believe him. Wanna start a new stream, or?"

    -----

    Vlad: Be honest with me, please. Will my outdoor kitchen survive your son?

    Bruce: It depends. He cooks better when high, please don't ask how I know that.

    Vlad: Debating on if it's worth the social media backlash.

    Bruce: Bold of you to assume you can stop Tim from creating a conspiracy theory. He's looking to distance himself from his night life, if you catch my drift.

    Vlad: That boy is going to get absolutely toasted, isn't he?

    Bruce: Completely fried. Or drunk. Or both.

    Vlad: Please come get him.

    Bruce: He's not talking to me right now. If I tell him to come home, he never will. I'll see if Alfred will talk to him.

    Bruce: Alfred says actions have consequences, and it's good for Tim to have friends and be a normal teenager. Can't you just cut the power?

    Vlad: Excellent idea. I have a better one. One fitting for a supervillain. 

    -----

    Several hours later, a video was posted, titled: COOKING HIGH IN THE DARK.

    It featured a normal cooking video- except for the chef's face being illuminated by green ghost fire on one side and a heavy duty flashlight on the other.

    "If you thought we were just cooking high up," said Connor on a voiceover as Tim rolled a blunt with disturbing accuracy, "you're wrong. Also, adults only past this point! Spiderman needs lethal doses of just about anything, so don't worry, he won't be getting high. Also, I'm pretty sure we need at least one sober near-adult so I'm not doing anything. Danny bought sympathy ghost nip, so now Timmy is getting blitzed and cooking for us."

    Connor then flipped the camera around. "And since weed is legal in Wisconsin now, we have a very special guest to teach us delinquents how to make pot brownies."

    He slowly panned the camera over to reveal an older man carefully measuring the weight of cheesecloth filled with something. Satisfied, he tied it off and sat it in boiling water. "Remember kids, never buy weed from a dealer you don't trust."

    -----

    Harriet: I leave Wisconsin for 1 DAY, VLAD! 1 DAY!

    Harriet: And YOU get HIGH with Tim Drake and Danny ON A LIVESTREAM!

    Harriet: And your advice wasn't don't do drugs. No! It was to find a reputable dealer!

    Vlad: I think you should come over and have some brownies.

    Harriet: I think you should be drawn and quartered for the migraine you're giving me.