Archive of Our Own ^beta

If you only knew

I'm hangin' by a thread, the web I spin for you

If you only knew

I'd sacrifice my beating heart before I'd lose you

“Niki?”

A voice she hadn’t heard in ages wrapped around her, sending her emotions into a furious whirlwind as she paused her mixing of ingredients, taking a breath before facing the man she once called her closest friend. A blue bowl of flour stood half mixed with sugar on the black quartz counter crossing the far wall of the room at waist level, above spruce cabinets meticulously organised by careful hands.

He stood at the door of her new kitchen, an ancient hurt in a new space built out of hope of moving on. She had finally returned to baking as a way to pass the time and make some money selling it to various world members and had spent the previous month building this room. 

The soft lantern light reflected in Wilbur’s scratched and rounded frames sitting on a tired man’s face, chestnut curls messy with one white strand brushing his brow. A long, tattered overcoat hugged his thin frame, eyes sunk behind the damaged frames, cheeks hallowed. His yellow sweater hung loose from skeletal shoulders, bones visible even through multiple layers of fabric. Black pants and boots covered his lower half, sewing coming loose in various seams in the clothing covering the broken man.

All were soaked through from the rain, Niki had been out earlier collecting new flowers for her city before she was driven inside by the weather. The man looked pathetic, drowned, sadness clung to him like water to leaves in the morning dew.

Niki took notice of how ragged Wilbur was, battered and bruised by the harsh world. Her gut burned with a deep rage, before her stood the man responsible for most of the strife caused over the past few, bone-tiring years. Nations had fallen under his capable hands, ones that could be used for bloodshed or gentle touch, explosions or love. The most dangerous individuals were capable of both, the man before her embodied those concepts exactly, both extremes wrapped up in one being.

She placed down her whisk, moving to wash her dainty hands before facing the man again. Her coal-black jeans are coated with flour, only clean in the places her pink waist apron covered, which she laid across the counter beside the bowl. An old blue graphic t-shirt of hers was all she wore today, not expecting company Niki felt dressed down. Her pink hair was tied in a high ponytail, green bandana keeping the flyaway strands in check. 

“Wilbur.” She responded simply, her musical voice low and steady for the inner turmoil that rolled through her gut.

They looked at each other for a long time, light caramel eyes meeting the dark spruce. Wilbur nervously picked at his clothes, breaking her gaze, seemingly searching for words before Niki finally broke the silence.

“How did you find me?” She asked, curiosity overriding any other emotion right now.

“Technoblade sent me the coordinates and told me how to get in.” He answered simply, his fists gripping tight once before he faced her once more, rambling. “I went looking for you and ran into Eret, who directed me to Pogtopia, where I found Fundy-”

His face falls as his voice breaks, the fox’s name being the last thing out of his mouth before his hand movements pick up speed. He wrung his fingers and his chest expanded quickly, taking gulping breaths as his brown eyes welled up once more. Dread filled Niki’s gut as she worried what happened to the fox man, they hadn’t spoken in ages but there were times when she counted him among her closest companions. Though distance had grown, relationships formed during the harshest of times ran the deepest, their circumstances certainly fell under that umbrella.

“What happened to Fundy, Wilbur?” Niki’s own voice betrayed her concern, when tears started running over and down those thin cheeks her gut twisted sharply.

“We met and talked, I took him fishing, I thought we were having a good time then we visited L’Manburg’s ruins-” He paused, gulping quickly, before continuing in the same, stammering tone. “Fundy just snapped, started telling me off for what I had done and he…he…”

Wilbur mumbled the rest, unintelligible to Niki who’s own emotions matched the frantic actions of the man in front of her. He sniffled, wrapping his arms around himself instead of picking at his hands anymore, holding tightly. Anxiety rolled off him in waves, clinging to Wilbur like a thick film as the tall man shook like a blade of grass in a storm.

Niki felt like she was walking across embers as she crossed the stone floor to her oldest friend’s side. Niki placed her small hand on his forearm, soft daffodil-yellow sweater sleeves covering the bones prominent under her touch. “I didn’t hear that, what happened?”

“Fundy jumped into the chasm of my failures to take his own life rather than face me any longer.” Wilbur’s deep voice was scratchy, before he began to hyperventilate.

The sharp knife of shock pierced Niki’s heart as she heard those words, disbelief clouding her judgement before she presses it down as Wilbur looks like he is about to pass out. 

They may have many, many, many differences of opinion now but Niki was never one to stand by and watch someone cry. Especially not after she heard that news, when she imagined him coming to see her it was not with these words on his lips. Apologies, maybe, not news of his son’s death. She didn’t believe it yet, filing it away to process later.

She grabs Wilbur’s trembling hand and leads him to a couch she had in her bakery area, Niki dragged it in here to have somewhere for comfy to read while waiting for food to be ready. Wilbur collapses down to the threadbare rose-red cushions, Niki folding herself under his outstretched arm just like the old days, long arm settling across her slight shoulders, engulfing her comfortably. Her tiny hand reached and pressed to his chest, feeling his heart race in his heaving torso. His large, scarred hand covers hers and grips hard, swallowing her hand whole as his other arm pulls her in close. 

Wilbur smelled like cigarettes, spruce wood and wet fabric, his addiction following him even into revival as she pulled the damaged man close. He tucked his head into her neck, wet tears soaking her skin, sobbing as he grasped at reality to stay grounded. She was almost sitting on his lap in this position, her short legs crossing his long ones, as he held onto her for dear life. His shaking grip was caging yet cosy, Niki hadn’t had physical touch in months even as he suffered she knew they both drew comfort from just knowing the other is there.

During these attacks this was their routine, Niki had spent many nights at his side calming him when his panic became too much. His heaving sobs echoed a symphony of pain as it bounced around the quiet room, her quiet murmuring drowned out by the misery of the man who hurt them all, leaving irreversible scars across lands and hearts. She began to hum a song familiar to them, woven into their very bones; the L’Manburg anthem a comforting tune even with bittersweet memories attached.

Even after it all, even through the anger and sadness, Niki wonders how it had all come to this. To her comforting a man she had spent hours cursing out until her throat was raw as her heart ached with pain and sorrow. Her mind was consumed with what was to happen next after Wilbur calmed down, the talk that had to happen.

I still hold on to the letters

You returned, I swear I've lived and learned

Niki wasn’t sure how long had passed after Wilbur fell asleep, she let him cry himself out before untangling her body from his embrace, tucking a blue blanket she knit around the unconscious man. He still curled up small in his sleep, practically hugging his legs to his chest as the tracks dried on his cheeks. For the first time since he had walked in, Wilbur’s face was no longer tense, innocent in his resting state.

Niki was still processing all that had happened since he had walked in, turning her day on its head. In all the scenarios she thought they would meet again, this was not the one she pictured.

The man on her couch was not the same man she followed into battles and conflicts, Wilbur was now a man who held a list of regrets longer than anyone she knew. 

In the prime of L’Manburg he spent so much of his time checking on his citizens in different ways, in their case; Niki and Wilbur had developed a system of sending each other letters.

Yes, they spoke everyday, but this letter exchange was something special to them. They wrote about their days, fun facts, hopes for the future, anything they wanted to tell another person. Others teased about the practice but it was a special thing for them. They even put the sealed envelopes in the mailboxes outside each other's homes, Wilbur’s house on the hill and Niki’s bakery were places she remembered fondly.

Niki reflected on the thoughts as she finished preparing the dough, leaving it to rise as she searched for a box she hadn’t opened for ages. A thick layer of dust coated the rectangular metal container, hundreds of letters tied with ribbons of various colours. She had organised them by months, several bundles held close together of various amounts of sheets. 

The blue ribbon is frayed as Niki pulls it off, untying it gently before letting the letters spill across the table. In every one of her rooms of her lost city Niki made sure to install writing spaces, she found solace in writing what she wished to say to someone out when her mind whirled. Most of her journal entries were still addressed to that unknown person, in her mind some were even to the First President of L’Manburg.

The next half an hour passes in bittersweet memories, Niki reads of times where Wilbur was discussing the new laws he wished to pass, his frustration with Dream and everything about his goals he was working towards. She remembers her responses were full of reassurances he was doing well and questions about his health, making sure to bring him home-made food on the days when his mind consumed him with the letters tied on top of the containers. Niki would refuse to leave until she watched him eat dinner, the days his thoughts consumed him Wilbur would forget all other things he needed to live.

It was achingly similar to the figure he had today, thin and discouraged from the weight of the world he wore. Most of it was self caused, but Niki knew the man probably still blamed himself for all of what happened and more.

When he died on the end of Philza’s sword, she didn’t believe it at first. The cold shock gripped her core, but her mind and heart refused to accept this fact. All the events leading up to him pressing that button, blowing a hole deep into the ground, was not the Wilbur she remembered. She would know if he was dead, she would…right?

Her heart forever clung to the determined First President, dressed proud in a clean uniform of a nation he formed himself with his closest friends based on ideals Wil held passionately. The man who would celebrate, sing and dance with his people mourning and laughing with all of them. The one who believed in words, not weapons, a peaceful exchange over one done with sharp blades and impulsive actions.

The loud beeping of her timer startled her, she scrambled to stop it before it awoke Wilbur. In her frantic grasping she knocks it off the counter where it clicks across the ground, finally turning it off after grabbing it from the floor. The silence enveloped the room once more, she looked quickly to see Wilbur still deeply asleep to which she breathed a sigh of relief.

Niki prepared her last round of baking for the night, leaving the cookies she made earlier in the fridge overnight to decorate in the morning and finished the last few bread rolls, placing them in sealed containers for preservation. Eret had asked her to drop off some cookies to them soon, the pair often had tea at their castle as both lived alone now. Hbomb had run off to the desert, he still came by but the appearances were few and far between. Ponk had moved out of her city months ago so now, these hallowed halls were only hers to wander.

Her cleaning goes quickly, the clock showing long past midnight by the time she finally hangs her cloth up, dishes stacked to dry in the rack beside the sink. Wilbur had slept through it all, Niki decided to just leave him where he was for the night. Now that he was asleep she didn’t want to wake him and risk another emotional attack.

The room draped in darkness as she clicked the lantern off, leaving to her own apartments. The spruce door opened without a sound, her name painted on a sign that hung from it, revealing her home. These rooms were the most decorated out of all of her hidden city, a sanctuary away from reality hidden in those walls. Photos adorned the walls with plants scattered all about, wooden bookshelves with well-loved books lined one wall. A fireplace was against another, directly across from the door, waiting for a crackling blaze to be stoked.

A blue armchair with a small end table was pulled close to the fireplace, a knitted blanket lay atop the back of the chair. Two doors were to her left leading to her washroom and bedroom. All the wooden fixtures in her room were spruce, her favourite type because it reminded her of Wil. The colour scheme ranged through greens, blues and browns, reminding her of a peaceful forest.

With Niki’s mind still whirling she decided a cup of tea was what she needed, like most nights when she felt lonely she pulled on Wil’s travelling cloak, something she retrieved from the remains of L’Manburg the first time. It was a bit odd to use as a housecoat but it was cosy, like a friend’s warm embrace. She still had his coat too, using it on the cool days when the air nipped at her skin when she had to go outside her hidden city to the world server.

Her tea kettle whistled as she prepared her cup, putting in a spoon of honey then a tea bag with the boiling water. She stoked a crackling fire, settling into her chair and tucking the soft blanket around her legs. For the first time in a while she didn’t reach for her diary, instead the next stack of letters wrapped in red ribbon, from the next stage of L’Manburg. When things began their descent, pressure increased and Wil began to pull away from everyone who he used to hold so close. This next stack of letters would be filled with less fond remembrance and more concern for her friend, Niki readied her mind up for that tone shift.

Niki told herself she would only read these next ones before going to bed, sipping tea and losing herself in memories she had locked up for too long.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep

Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea

If I drown tonight, bring me back to life

Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe in is you

If you only knew

The clock on the wall showed just past four in the morning, Niki lay awake tucked under the warm violet blankets of her bed. Her canopy bed cast long shadows on the floor, lavender curtains drawn back tonight. She didn’t want the complete darkness to surround her while her past skeletons came crawling back, rattling their bones and shaking loose visuals she didn’t want to dwell on.

Niki had read through most of the letters in the box, working through the next few stacks before her eyes grew heavy. But of course, the moment she slid beneath her sheets, her mind reawoke with thoughts more piercing than swords.

At her bedside, her brown leather bound diary lay next to a photo she treasured on a spruce end table, from the beginning days of L’Manburg when Fundy was but a child. The flickering lantern cast it into clear detail, her tired cinnamon eyes glancing at the golden frame with a sad smile. 

Wilbur, Eret, Fundy, Tommy, Tubbo and herself stood outside the camaravan, clothing in various states of being tidied, wide smiles across all their faces as they laughed at some joke Tommy had just told. She remembered the day fondly, the camera they used was a finicky thing and they spent a solid half an hour dealing with a rambunctious child, two wild teenagers and a camera who put up more of a tantrum than all combined.

Her eyes roamed to the small redhead in front of Wilbur, his fox ears perked up happily as he stood in front of his father. Fundy was such a wee child, such a dear mix of Wilbur’s strong features and the soft ones of Sally. She remembered the day she met the shy girl, Wilbur had found her on a riverbank and fell in love at first sight, a romance that burned passionately and quickly, before being left a single father of a toddler as she returned to her first love, the river. The wide blue eyes were mirrored in her son, red strands a perfect match to the small boy. When he smiled she saw Wilbur, when he laughed she heard the same tones his father’s rang with. The best of both his parents shone in every move he made, Niki was always so proud of him.

Fundy had grown into such a strong young man, she felt like an older sibling to him, much like the other teenagers on the server. He was fiercely protective and willing to do anything for those he believed in, a steel will to match his father’s. Fundy and Niki had many adventures together over the years, through highs and lows they stuck by each other’s side until Wilbur had returned.

The day she heard Wilbur had been revived she watched his son pull the same trick as his father, closing off immediately and taking off into the woods to isolate himself. Niki had been frantic, she lost the boy she relied on to the same isolation that killed her Wil. Her communicator messages went unresponded, no sign of the fox boy at all, just nothing, radio silence until Wilbur had shown up and announced his death.

Her chest clenched one more and tears she didn’t realise she had left began to trail down her cheeks. Sobs echoed through the room as grief finally encapsulated the woman, a drowning feeling stealing the air from her lungs as despair claimed her. 

Niki had heard about the three chance system with their lives on this world server, you didn’t live here as long as she had without running into someone who has lost at least one. She was one of the rare individuals that hasn’t lost even one, but she knew Fundy had.

Stories flowed through her mind of when he lost his first, she remembered the night vividly he finally explained what happened in their escape from L’Manburg. Down in the control room when Wilbur had rushed them all including Tommy, Tubbo and Eret. They attempted to escape their impending doom only to run into another form of it.

Eret did what they thought was best, turning the four over to the malicious hands of Dream and friends who painted those walls red with blood. All four had lost one of their chances that day, robbed from them by the choices of a desperate person wanting to end the calamity on the server. One adult and three teenagers, first chance permanently lost and scars forever carved onto their bodies.

Niki remembered her horror when Fundy showed her his first death mark; in this server you carried the scars of your death into your next chance so you never forgot how you died. His was a deep stab wound through his upper left chest, pale skin rough and reddened around the past damage.

Now, he would have another death mark.

Niki felt like there was no air left around her, sitting straight up in bed as her hands gripped the soft blankets in a white knuckled hold. Her nightgown felt too tight and warm, the emotions ravaging her were too much. Sweat clung to her skin as her body physically reacted to the turmoil within, stomach rolling with nausea.

Her memories dragged her through another round of hellish confusion, Wilbur’s first death scar flashing into her mind. Wilbur’s was different from the others, he never spoke to her his side of what happened down there. 

From what she gathered from Fundy, Dream forced Wilbur to watch with a sword to his throat as Dream’s friends murdered Tubbo, then Tommy, finally Fundy before finishing the job and taking Wilbur’s first chance. A thin white line crossed the pale column of his neck, only visible when he wore low collared shirts which was a rare occurrence. 

Wilbur’s descent into madness hurt her deeply, she knew the first crack in his heart happened that fateful night. In a box of cold black stone, deep within the earth, part of her Wil died alone, surrounded by the corpses of those who meant the most to him.

The Wilbur who came to Niki tonight was of the same flesh that crawled from that ravine hellbent on the destruction of his pride and joy but not the same Wil who her heart still cried out for. Her dearest friend who sang with her, exchanged letters with her, and danced around the rooms on the days she felt down. The one whose warm, dark brown eyes gave her a peace she missed desperately, when conflict didn’t burn friendships down to ashes to match the country she once pledged her life to.

If you only knew

How many times I counted all the words that went wrong

If you only knew

How I refuse to let you go even when you're gone

The morning came too soon, Niki finally fell asleep late into the night when her alarm went off. She had slept maybe three hours, total. Her bones ached and popped, a deep exhaustion settling deep within her core as she prepared herself for the day. 

Niki dragged herself around her bedroom getting dressed, shadows heavy beneath her eyes in the mirror of her vanity as she pulled her hair into a tight ponytail once again. Today she wore another pair of coal-black jeans and a graphic t-shirt, choosing comfortable clothes while her mind ripped itself apart, questioning everything.

She felt absolutely drained, the emotions of yesterday had wrecked havoc on her mental state and she still had to face more today. The embodiment of her troubles was in her kitchen, Niki knew she had to face him at some point but she also really just didn’t want to. 

The idea of just leaving for the day and not saying a damn thing to him was tempting, but she had so many questions only he held the answers too.

Soon, she stood before the door leading to the rest of her city, she would have to open it to leave. The wood was solid against her forehead as she leaned against the door, feeling like she was being dragged down by weights as confusion clouded her mind. 

Wilbur wasn’t anyone she should fear, she tried to reason, her Wil might have died but a piece of him stood in her kitchen. She knew everything that she wanted to say to him, it was just all wrapped in a web of confounding complexity within her skull she was still untangling.

She wanted to cry or scream, maybe both. Niki wanted to walk in there and grab his shoulders, shaking him and blaming him for the amount of conflict that still happened today. Part of her wanted to see him recoil in horror as she laid grief after grief on his already thin shoulders, finally unburdening her anger towards where his choices lead him.

Niki also knew that even though she considered her Wil dead, part of him still walked this server. Maybe she could finally be at peace from the war in her mind every time she saw something that reminded her of what was once she told him her true feelings.

Her small hand, criss crossed with faded scars, gripped the door handle, squeezing it a few times before turning it, pulling the door open to walk through after moving back. The click of a flint and steel was the only other sound besides her footsteps as she walked to the kitchen, lighting lanterns along the way of the vine-covered stone bricks that lined her walls. Overnight some had burnt out, she reminded herself to come give them fuel at some point soon.

The kitchen door was held open by a doorstop, Wilbur’s tall frame was hunched on a barstool at her breakfast bar. That counter space had been a last minute addition to the island but a welcome one, she often ate meals at it. 

Niki froze, hesitating once again to even speak with the man. Her gut hadn’t untwisted yet, she felt all too much when she saw his face there. She saw the boy she turned too for comfort hidden among the scars and white hair, the bright eyed leader who inspired a nation to be independent. A role model for many, until that day he was thrown from his own creation into a ravine that broke his mentality.

His tired spruce eyes turned to hers as if he felt her staring at him, rounded glasses sliding down his nose before he pushed them back up. Her breath caught, before steel determination filled her heart, driven by curiosity and anger, staring at Wilbur.

She walks with purpose into the room, walking to her fridge, waiting for him to say something. On instinct, she begins to make breakfast, remembering his preference for eggs she makes tea and coffee too. His eggs were sunny-side up with a warmed bun she heated in the oven, two cream and two sugar coffee to drink. Niki slid the plate and mug in front of Wilbur, bringing her own to a stool near him, being sure to leave one seat between them.

As her emotions raged she didn’t want to be too close to the man. The scrape of utensils was all the sound for the first few moments, before Niki finally cleared her throat.

“Sleep okay, Wilbur?” She asked, attempting small talk to have some noise.

“Fitful but I did sleep for a long time between those waking periods.” He answered, his deep voice rough in the morning air. “How about you?”

“I got some.” Niki answered simply.

The rest of their meal passed like that, tense questions about weather and Niki’s city were exchanged. 

Friends attempt to stay pleasant over food even if several rough points lay between them, if Niki even called him a friend anymore. She still wasn’t sure. Her stomach still burned with that deep anger that had been left to fester for far too long, growing into an ugly thing she wished to rid her mind of.

I don't regret any days I spent

Nights we shared, or letters that I sent

As Wilbur helps her finish cleaning the dishes, offering to help as he notices her move to do so. They do the task quickly, before Niki directs him to sit at the breakfast bar as she pulls out the things needed to decorate the cookies meant for Eret. As the routine takes hold of her she finally feels in control for the first time in hours, regarding the man across the flat surface of the island with a level gaze.

“Yesterday…” She started, trailing off as Wilbur flinched as if she physically hurt him. “I want to talk about what happened yesterday, to understand the full situation.”

Wilbur’s hands began to tremble once more, picking at the cuffs of his sleeves and his hands. Niki sighed, knowing once he started to spiral that it would be impossible to talk about anything. Both the individuals in this room had too many traumas to name, easier to shut down when things got conflicted then answer to painful questions. Her eyes trailed over everything on the counter before settling on the cookie decorating ingredients, realising just what she could do to busy his hands.

“How about this, we will talk about it while decorating these cookies. I need to bring them to Eret soon.” She offered, pointing to the icings she had pulled out earlier.

She divides the cookies she left to chill in half while Wilbur climbs off the stool and walks her side, pulling his overcoat off to lay on an empty part of the counter. Niki directs him to the sink to clean his hands before moving the decorating tools to the middle of the space, within reach of both of them.

Wilbur takes to the action with a familiar grace, he had spent a lot if time in her bakery helping prepare batches for everyone in L’Manburg. They spent many mornings at her place, she often prepared tea and coffee with the expectation he would show at some point.

“So yesterday…” His deep lilting voice broke her reminiscing, a place her mind was retreating a lot these days. “I was walking down the prime path when I came across Eret at their museum. I didn’t expect to see them, I knew the museum existed as Ranboo had met me there once and they explained about Eret’s project.”

Sadness washed through Niki once more at the mention of the enderman, she had heard of their demise from Techno and Philza. During the prison break, Sam had threatened Ranboo in an attempt to stop the escape of Dream, Connor and Technoblade. Dream didn’t listen, resulting in Sam murdering the innocent being Niki had treasured. 

Like Fundy, Tommy and Tubbo, she felt protective of the sweet enderman. The day they spawned was a surprise, but they had such a warm persona surrounding the stammering young one. Niki had bonded immediately with them, sharing their desire for no sides, friendships being the only choice that mattered. When L’Manburg fell, when she burned the last remnant of that cursed nation, she held their hand standing on the prime path as everything fell apart around them.

Techno had choked up explaining their death, showing her and Phil a picture of their son they had with Tubbo, a piglin boy adopted from the Nether Dimension named Michael. In a rare show of tenderness, Techno had declared his intent to rescue Michael from Sam who held him as a bargaining chip over Ranboo, and now Technoblade. 

“We had a long discussion about what happened in the past, intricate and painful details laid all on the table.” Wilbur paused, spreading more icing before continuing. “I didn’t expect to have the talk I did with them, it was emotion filled and there were a lot of truthful words tossed back and forth.”

The pair got through a few more cookies before the silence was broken once more by Wilbur, now that his hands were busy it was easier for him to talk. It’s funny after all this time that still worked, something she remembered doing with Wilbur when he was really emotional. Maybe more of her Wil was there with her than she originally thought.

“They accused me of just attempting to apologise without realising the damage I caused, gods their pearl white eyes are terrifying when they are aimed at you in anger.” Wilbur shuddered, smudging the icing a bit which he frowned slightly at, a small smile flashed across Niki’s face before she remembered the topic at hand. 

“Eret then dragged me to the chasm below that haunting obsidian grid, hung with ivy, and told me of how after I died that third time L’Manburg was destroyed once more. The embers I started sparked a wildfire that consumed a nation alive, a domino effect I never foresaw.” Wilbur trailed off once more, before finally continuing. They were about halfway done with the cookies by now, Niki had given him no instructions on decorating just letting the man do what he wanted. Bright patterns were carefully drawn in pleasing shapes across the baked good, his hand steady now.

“They demanded I give them a show of faith I will never make such destructive decisions again, offering to throw their crown into the pit only if I threw the last of my TNT supplies.” His face grew thoughtful, brow still creased as Wilbur relived the moment. “Eret gave me access to an enderchest, I drew out the last of what I had before tossing it off the path. They followed through on their side of the deal, flinging their crown to follow the red boxes to the bottom of the place my city once stood. Eret told me how much they regretted the choice of kingship over friends, and explained all they ever wanted was peace.”

“I asked Eret where to find you, which they directed me towards Pogtopia and there is where I found Fundy.” His voice sounded strained as he said the fox man’s name, Niki’s chest tightening. 

“That encounter hurt worse.” A tear slipped down Wilbur’s cheek, his hands beginning to shake again. “It started out tense but okay, we chatted and made our way to the surface. I took him fishing after a few games of catch. Things were going well, at least so I thought…”

The silence grew again, this time for much longer than before as his focus faded away into his own head. Niki waited a bit longer before he finally stopped his movements, completely lost in his mind. She reached over and placed her hand on his, the one that had fallen to the counter with the butter knife coated in icing he was using, lax as his mind roamed.

“Then?” She prompted softly, he started before meeting her eyes again, the watery irises dark brown.

“Fundy grew very angry, screaming at me to get away from him, he wanted nothing to do with me or my apology. We were standing on the same path Eret and I were on hours earlier, Fundy moved closer to the edge then he leapt off. The last glimpse I had of him was his broken body, smashed upon the rocks before purple particles surrounded it, drawing him back to the Death Goddess before his last chance.” 

Niki’s heart felt like it stopped as Wilbur confirmed Fundy’s death once more, this time there was a finality when she heard it, an understanding. She still pictured the redheaded boy with a smile on his face, blue eyes dancing with mischief, tail twitching as he schemed his next prank. Her mind saw the many times Fundy protected her, holding each other late into the night when either of them needed it. The scarred, hurt boy who gave it all up to spy for them, hiding himself from everyone to save those who didn't know, telling no one. Accepting their accusations with a humility not many would have the strength for, giving away nothing until the day he showed up confessing his traitorous activities to Schlatt’s Manburg.

“Fundy preferred death, his second chance gone, then speak with me any longer. That…that part hurts the worst.” Wilbur’s voice broke down after, dropping his tools since he finished the last cookie on his half, hands rubbing at his face as tears cascaded down.

Niki stood at his side, the words said causing her own eyes to well up, followed by an anger she rarely felt. Wilbur was the cause of Fundy’s death, the fox's choice of mortal damage instead of an attempt at reconciliation with his father. If Wilbur had never found him, Fundy would still be alive, it was an unfair blame but her brain really wanted to connect it.

Part of her was in agreement with Eret’s accusations of him needing to see the results of his actions but she worried Fundy had gone too far, Wilbur started the chain of events that grew out of control far too easily. Chaos ran rampant on this server, a small bit of disorder could become a wide-spread problem quickly.

“So much of this server is broken apart by the actions of a few that recruit many into the folds of destruction.” Niki commented, looking at Wilbur who regarded her with such sadness her destroyed heart clenched again, before the anger burned through it to the front of her mind. “You emerged from that ravine a mentally unstable man with one intent, and that intent ruined so many lives. I know you are a traumatised man, hell we all are, but you have consequences you must answer us all for.”

Wilbur’s eyes widened at her tone, expecting comfort but getting the fire of a hurt woman. One who spent too long patching up the boys she saw as her own after this man in front of her drove them to terrifying lengths. All she heard from today was that Fundy was another death by Wilbur's actions, his history drenched in the blood of those who believed in him.

“Eret and Fundy are right.” He flinched once more, drawing back into himself before she stepped into his space, forcing his eyes to hers. “You came up with some maniacal plan to burn down the best creation you ever made, just because you couldn’t stand it not being under your ruling once more.”

“You may not remember this, but all of us went through hell to follow your frantic steps. After you left us, when you begged for death which was given to you, we were left in the remnants of what you had done. They were only children, Wilbur, kids left bearing the transgressions of a previous generation’s decisions, something the ones after us should never have to face.”

She took a breath, breaking their gaze for a moment before meeting him once more. “You might not have liked any of the things that were said, but I see an element of truth in all of them. So many consequences of your decisions landed on us, the ones sworn to you. While you got death, Wilbur, we got living hell.”

Her words were harsh, her mind finally settled on anger as the words left her full lips. “I do not know how you stand here again today, but I do know every word I've heard so far is deserved. You had the unlucky experience of coming back from the dead to fill shoes stained in blood and its going to fucking suck for a while, but you must face each person you harmed before you can ever begin to feel better.”

His voice was intense as he snapped at her, face angry through the tears glaring at her. “Niki, I need some space now.”

Silence filled the air once more, his sniffling and her breathing the only thing breaking the heavy atmosphere. Niki finally took a few more steps back from the tall man, packing up the cookies they had just made. “To hear that Fundy died once more hurts deep, we are both so emotionally charged I don’t think it will do us any good to speak further. I will be in my rooms if you need me, they are next door down the hall from here.”

Wilbur said nothing, moving back to collapse on the couch and face away from her. Niki finished cleaning up from the decorating activity, wiping her counters down before returning to her rooms.

In her walk back she replayed the whole interaction, cringing a bit at how callous she acted. Niki knew the man was having accusation after accusation thrown at him, but she didn't want him to forget the boys she helped. The boys she held in the darkest of nights when the terrors they faced haunted their nightmares. When the most haunting, pain-filled screaming came from one so young to have seen so much, innocence robbed away by those who were supposed to protect.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep

Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea

If I drown tonight, bring me back to life

Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe in is you

If you only knew

If you only knew

The clock in Niki’s room spins through the hours quickly; spending them pacing her living room and reviewing everything they spoke about. She ran the conversation through her mind hundreds of times, analysing it from all angles and debating what she could have said better.

Pressing her fingers to her temples she groans at the headache; curse of being an overthinker, she sighed heavily at that thought. Niki shakes her head, pink hair brushing her face, shaking the thoughts loose. She balls her firsts, glancing at the clock once more. It was well past midnight, Wilbur hadn’t come to speak with her yet. Seems like it was going to be another night of little sleep, Niki’s body already felt like lead with just how worked up she was.

Her mind had eased since she got everything off her chest that she wanted to say, but his hurt face kept flashing through her mind. The glimpses of her Wil had endeared him quickly to her heart, she was still at war whether he was her friend or a remnant of what was.

“Why do I do this to myself?” Niki asked out loud, the walls not answering back. 

Sighing once more she went to her door and pulled Wil’s cloak on, preparing to go to the kitchen for a midnight snack. If Wilbur was still awake she was determined to talk to him, knowing sleep was a while off when there were unresolved issues for her to debate more internally.

Outside her room is cold, she often only ran the fire in her apartments at night to preserve firewood. Pulling the cloak closer to herself she padded down the cold stone floors, the door to her kitchen still wide open.

Through the door she could see Wilbur was still awake, sprawled across the couch. One leg was hanging over the arm, his torso and head laying flat on the cushions. Per usual, he was too long for the furniture, she giggled slightly at the thought before walking across the threshold.

Wilbur had lit the fireplace she had by her oven, the room pleasantly warm and smelling of spruce lumber. When she passed through the doorframe he looked her way, Wilbur’s brow pinched as he observed her. Niki’s heart clenched, the anger rushing back before being tempered by just how torn he looked. The bags under his eyes were heavier and his hair wild, staying silent as they looked at each other.

Niki could not imagine being in his shoes; yes, his reappearance had driven Fundy to his death and there were so many more blood-soaked choices dripping from his hands, but the man hadn’t expected to come back.

He didn’t choose this revival.

“Niki?” He asked tentatively, his voice shaking once more.

Niki grabbed a few cookies from a container in the fridge, some napkins and walked to his side.

“Can I sit?” She asked, noticing the weariness of his eyes now that she was closer.

Silently he moved from his lounging position, curling into the corner as small as he could make himself. Drawing his long arms around his knees, he hugged his legs to his chest. 

Niki settled beside, clothing rustling as she sat on the other side of the couch, holding out a napkin with two cookies stacked on top. Cautiously, he takes them, biting into one after staring at the design for a moment.

“What’s going through your head, Wilbur?” She asked, noticing his wince at his name.

“So much of this is my fault, so many choices I wish I could undo.” He responded quietly, finally meeting her eyes for the first time since he walked into the room.

“There has been a lot of that in this world.” Niki commented, before biting into her own cookie. “Not many have the same length or impact as you, but I appreciate you coming to see me nonetheless.”

The pair grew quiet before Niki broke it once more. “You are doing the right thing here though, coming to talk to everyone. I just don’t want you to think an apology is all that is needed, I want you to remember the lives lost over the ideals you gave us passion for.”

Wilbur shook his head quickly, devastation clinging to his every feature, finishing eating his first cookie. “I don’t think I ever will forget those chances you gave to me, any of you.”

Moments passed, them both finishing a second cookie before Wilbur finally adjusted, spreading out a bit more. Resting his legs over the edge of the couch, reaching a hand across to Niki’s knee and leaving it there; a warm, comforting weight. There wasn’t as much awkward air now, more at ease while they shared sweet treats.

“I just want everyone to know how much I regret those days, especially you, Niki.” His voice rang true, she was caught off guard by the sincerity dripping from his tone. “You did so much for all of us, caring for the wounded, sewing our flag, being the glue between partnerships and organisations. You were left in the hands of a madman way past the time you should have, long after you asked me for help.”

Niki was a bit taken aback, the self reflection the man held was a welcome action. She wondered if the words of the others were finally sinking in, giving him a drive of something to work for instead of just bearing the weight of past decisions. A tiny part of her was relieved he wasn’t angry about her harsh words earlier, but she was glad he had taken them to heart.

“You were protective of the ones I should have focused on and were left bearing the weight of my sins.” Wilbur takes a large breath, closing his eyes, before meeting hers again with his lighter brown. “ I apologise Niki for all I put you through.”

She mulled over the words for a while, breaking their contact to play with his hand that still rested on her knee with her fingers. Niki gripped it once more, after figuring out how to word it just right. “I can’t accept that apology yet, but it is a step Wil. You are doing the right thing here, facing down those who were hurt.”

Wilbur looks a bit stunned, before a deep chuckle erupted from his chest, surprising the both of them. “That’s fair, you always knew how to hold me accountable.”

Wilbur stood, bowing his head to her as she drew herself into a standing position beside him. She craned her neck to look him in the eyes, watching as he reached a hand out to tug at the cloak she had draped around her like a cape.

“Where did you find this?”

She felt the blush creep across her cheeks but smiled at the remembrance. “Pulled it out of the remains of L’Manburg, I couldn’t leave it to be buried in that rubble. Not a good cloak like this, I still have your coat too if you want them back, they are both perfect for long travels and cold nights.”

The childish glint she missed lit up his eyes, offering her that small view of the boy she missed so much. “It’s alright my lady, keep them, they look better on you anyways.”

He turned to move towards her door, which surprised her as she moved to stop him. “Wait it’s night Wil, you shouldn’t leave now, it’s dangerous.”

“I don’t want to intrude any longer on you Niki, I have one more person I must apologise to and I would rather do it sooner than later.” He couldn’t meet her eyes when he said the last part, Wilbur was always the worst at making excuses, especially to her.

Niki knew he was escaping from the situation, but for now, she was willing to let him go. He winked at her before leaving her kitchen after offering her one more small bow with parting words.

“I much prefer you calling me Wil to Wilbur, I missed it. I will see you on the other side Niki, take care of yourself.”

With that he disappeared, leaving her to realise her slip in speech. She had been careful to only call him Wilbur, to give that separation from what she remembered. These past few moments felt too much like the times they spent in laughter, then his charm making an appearance she fell back into old habits so easily.

Tugging the cloak closer to herself, she stared into the dancing flames thinking about what just occurred.

I still hold on to the letters

You returned, you helped me live and learn

The next day the sun was high in the sky, warm air comforting as Niki strolled down the oaken path, brightly wrapped container in her hands with a large red bow on top. Tall trees towered over the walkway, far above her rose-pink hair. The flower’s aroma drifted past her, dancing round her in a pleasant blend of scents during her trip to Eret’s museum. 

They had messaged back and forth through Phil’s crows, with Niki being part of the Syndicate he offered the use of them whenever she needed. She just had to send the avian a message through her communicator and within the next little bit one would appear, ready for her to use. 

They were a mythical bird, one blessed by the Death Goddess, with glowing violet eyes and sparkles glinting through their feathers. The birds never needed sustenance or thirsted, just up and leaving when they were no longer required.

Eret had asked her to meet at the museum, they had begun recording the history of the server and had been busy doing that for months. Niki would bring baked goods and would listen to them explain the exhibit they were creating next with Foolish, who often stopped by to help Eret. The pair were seen a lot together, an easy chemistry between the two that had only grown these past few months, reminding Niki of how Phil and Techno acted with each other.

Today Foolish was off building something at his summer home, so when Niki entered Eret’s beautiful museum it only held one occupant today. Eret had told her through the message the crow brought, telling her to bring some baked goods that could keep until the shark totem man returned. The tall archways held all the history Eret had collected, archiving each carefully with Foolish’s help. The large tapestries covering the walls held maps stitched together of the top-down view of the main gathering hubs, cities and buildings on the world server, the extensive time they had spent creating beautiful displays shown in every exhibit.

Eret stood in front of the thing that hurt Niki the most to see, running her fingers across the cover of a beaten-up deep brown book on a lectern. The stand was in front of a large bookcase filled with books, all looking different than each other. A mishmash of written words, ranging through all different times on the server from all different people.

Eret wore a long lavender skirt today, with a clean white blouse and low-wedge black boots. A long, red cape trailed down her back to the floor, trailing a few feet behind her. Her curly brown, chestnut hair was tied in a low ponytail covering the nape of her neck, no gleaming crown today. She wore black sunglasses indoors, claiming a light sensitivity during the day but Niki always wondered if it was something more. 

Niki didn’t pry though, Eret was a proud person, she would never speak of things she didn’t want to reveal. 

“Good day, Eret!” Niki greeted Eret who smiled gently as they faced the smaller woman. Niki only stood up to the middle of their chest, especially when they wore the black heels they were proud of.

“Niki, welcome!” His deep voice is so warm and welcoming, leaving his finger tips trailing across the book. 

“I brought your orders! Two dozen frosted cookies and an order of cinnamon buns in a sealed box for Foolish, I know these are one of his favourites.” She looks around for a surface to put them on. “Where do you want them?”

“You know the table near the entrance? There please.” Eret asked, turning enough to pick up the book and hold it gently.

Niki placed the boxes carefully on the oak table, before returning to her friend's side who was leafing through the book slowly. A sombre air surrounded them, before Eret reaches an arm over Niki’s shoulder and pulls her in close to their side, returning the book to the lectern.

A Spy’s Diary is engraved into the top of the volume, Niki’s eyes well up seeing it as her chest compresses, a blue-eyed fox man coming to the forefront of her mind.

“Niki, what’s wrong?” Eret caught her off guard, she thought she had hid the emotions well but her ever perceptive friend noticed. Niki blinked quickly, before leaning into her tall friend and wrapping an arm around her waist.

Eret manoeuvred them so Niki was at their front, face pressed into their white blouse as tears run down her cheeks, arms wrapped around her shoulders as Niki’s are tight around their waist, under Eret’s red cape. She finally lets herself feel everything; Wilbur’s reappearance, Fundy’s death, the conversations the old pair of friends had, the sheer confusion surrounding Wilbur and how she felt about him.

“Let it out sweetheart, I have you.” Eret’s voice rumbled through his chest against her cheek, holding her close.

She wasn’t sure who she said goodbye to last night, Wilbur or her Wil, but she had a dreadful feeling it would be a long time until she saw him again. 

A boy she had doted upon since Wil was left a single father had lost one chance on this server and another one died at the hands of the man who was supposed to keep this server safe. Both Tommy and Tubbo had lost chances at the hands of others, the choices of children becoming a capital punishment through inexpierenced actions. 

All of her boys had been through so much; Fundy, Ranboo, Tubbo and Tommy were broken souls, beaten by the world server they spawned into, conflict woven into the threads of this server's tapestry forcing them to choose sides for protection. Their strands had worn so thin, so close to snapping away from the rest of the creation. One thread had already done so.

Jack had been put through hell and back, all for trying to stand tall and remain strong for what his core beliefs were. Creating his own independence then being driven from it by circumstances beyond his control, trying to claw back some measure of normalcy. 

Badboyhalo, Punz, Antfrost, Hannah and Ponk had all become victims to the Egg, creating a whole plan to rip life energy from all they invited to their home out of courtesy, to feed something that had brainwashed them. Eret almost lost one of his chances that night, Foolish did instead when he stood up to defend Eret, ending up slain by those indoctrinated to the Eggpire to feed a beast that held control before Quackity and Technoblade rescued those trapped, Niki being among those who they saved from becoming fed to the Egg.

There was so much strife and conflict, all she wanted was her boys and her friends to be safe and happy, but time and time again the rug was ripped from under her feet.

She had given so much to stay standing, been put through so many terrible things, finding the strength to keep moving forward felt like more of a struggle each day.

“Eret, I am just so tired.” She confessed in a soft voice, her friend only holding her tighter.

“I know.” The simple sentence brought her comfort, knowing she wasn’t alone with this exhaustion. “Is this about Fundy?”

She gripped tighter to the back of Eret’s shirt, pressing her face in more. They smelled of lavender and roses, the soft material a caress against her face. “You knew?”

Eret’s heart beat steady against her face, before they sigh, pulling back to remove their sunglasses to meet Niki’s tear-filled gaze with their own. “Foolish and I were working on the museum when we heard shouting from the bridge over the crater of L’Manburg. When we made it there the only glimpse we had of Wilbur was off in the distance before Foolish saw Fundy at the bottom. We watched him disappear before our eyes and have some theories as to what happened.”

“Wilbur came across Fundy in Pogtopia, according to him you directed him there while he was looking for me. They had…discussions.” She paused, wincing at the next part as she met her friend’s white gaze. “From what I was told they didn’t go well, and it ended with Fundy preferring one more chance gone then speaking with him again.”

“I take it you have spoken with Wilbur?” His voice held no judgement, only understanding.

“He showed up looking like a drowned man on my doorstep, Technoblade sent him my coordinates, we talked things out and he told me about Fundy.” Niki sniffed, his name still causing a stab of pain to her heart. “I just can’t believe he chose such a permanent option instead of speaking with Wilbur anymore.”

“Niki, he has been through so much, had so many bridges burned, so many betrayals.” Eret’s voice cracked at the last word, which she swallowed before continuing. “I cannot even imagine what is going through his head, in fact, I plan to go check on him soon the moment Foolish is free to go with me. For now though, let's give the fox man some distance then I will bring him home. I know what isolation can drive a man to do, we both do.”

Both grew quiet in reflection, Niki glancing at the book on the lectern again. Something Fundy had written in the darkest of nights, when he closed off from everyone to take down Manburg from the inside. In the hours when he had to glance over his shoulder while writing the only truths he could say, Fundy always had such a haunted stare when he spoke of those times.

“Niki, come back to my castle tonight, stay over. I think we both need some companionship outside of our own company.” Eret offered to which Niki immediately nodded.

They walked out of the museum, Niki looping her arm through Eret’s offered elbow, Eret carrying the boxes of handmade treats Niki had made. Sometimes the support of friends can make all the difference.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep

Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea

If I drown tonight, bring me back to life

Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still

Believe in is you (If I drown tonight, bring me back to life)

Believe in is you (If I drown tonight, bring me back to life)

I still believe in you

If you only knew

Niki stood on the balcony of the room she frequented, it had practically become hers with the amount of times she stayed over. When both of them needed a friend, they relied on each other. An old red nightgown she left in the dresser here is what she wore, the night air cool but not chilly. Wilbur’s brown cloak hung around her shoulders, keeping her upper half warm. Her pink hair brushed her shoulders, stroking against her neck in gentle caresses in loose waves.

The balcony overlooked the courtyard Eret treasured, a fountain in the middle with beautiful gardens full of blooming various species of colourful flowers surrounding it. She mentioned how often she spent in this sanctuary of a space, needing the flowers surrounding her to feel most at peace. Different assortments of trees stand in various stages of their life around the space, the crickets of the night serenading their symphony to the woman on the balcony.

Niki was forever grateful for knowing Eret, this was exactly what she needed tonight. Away from her ancient city where she was slowly becoming the phantom that haunts those hallowed halls, followed by the memories of the broken man who appeared unexpectedly.

Her emotions still felt tangled but she also felt more at peace, Eret and herself had spent hours talking as she helped them around the castle with various things. Eret had become more cautious moving lately, Niki noticed the hestiance as she walked so Niki offered to help with any chores she needed. Eret always asked if she wanted more money than what they paid for the desserts, Niki waved it off in favour of enjoying her time with the server’s Ruler.

So many things had happened these past few days, Niki mulled over the events as she walked to the edge of the balcony. A red climbing rose had grown up the side of the castle, bathing the balcony in the heady scent of rose flowers. Niki brushed the soft petals with her finger tips, lost in thought.

Her talks with Eret had helped immensely, her mind a little more at ease. She still felt such drowning sadness but the warmth of friendship had given her something to grasp onto. 

Out of everyone still on this server, Eret was one of the most reasonable. Every discussion she left feeling better, she treasured the friendships she still had was something she had reflected up.

Maybe Niki could be that for someone too.

Niki thought about everyone she had considered a friend over the years; Tommy, Wilbur, Tubbo, Techno, Phil, Eret, Fundy, Jack, Ranboo, so many people she would stand beside to protect. 

Why had she herself pulled away from so many?

She frowned, drawing her fingers away from the rose and back to her chin, rubbing it. 

Many people had also turned their back on her, disagreements causing irreversible damage between her and them. But Niki had been so alone for so long, maybe it was time to change that, to attempt to rekindle broken relationships.

If Eret could still stand tall and proud after being beaten by their own choices, going against everyone to do what she thought was best, why couldn’t she?

If Wilbur could face his demons and come speak to everyone he had wronged, what was stopping her from attempting to repair damaged relationships?

They had all been broken people in that ravine together, moulded by circumstances and mentally damaged by events. Over the past week she had come to realise that they had all spent too long apart, even if she didn’t see Wilbur again for a while she could make a point to see Tommy and Tubbo. 

It has been ages since she went to visit them, no matter how much it hurt her to see them, to see the physical scars of a harsh world across their faces, she missed her boys. 

She missed the simpler times of L’Manburg, vowing to visit both of them soon. Seeing Wilbur and now Eret made her realise just how isolated she had become, Niki had put so much distance between herself and others lately. Other than Eret, there was no one she regularly visited to spend time with a check in.

A crow cawed in the distance, which she smiled at; they always reminded her of the avian man who was a dear friend of hers. One choice she never regretted was joining the Syndicate, the support she received there had also inspired her. Technoblade and Philza were incredible friends, never spoke over her and always listened. She should visit them soon, it had been a while since they all had a meeting. With that thought she remembered the figure who would be missing from those meetings going forward, Ranboo.

Ranboo, oh Ranboo, such a sweet soul gone way too soon. She heard rumours of a ghost resembling them was wandering the server, she had yet to lay her eyes on them but didn’t look forward to when she did.

Then it would hit with certainty that Ranboo was gone.

Fundy was now one step closer to that same fate, same with Tommy and Tubbo. Niki really should spend more time with all of them, especially after Eret went to go find Fundy to convince them solitude is not the option.

She knew that Eret was determined to bring him home, they had both watched the effects of isolation too long on an individual. The prime example of that appeared in her kitchen two days ago, Niki really didn’t want his son to follow in those destructive footsteps. 

Eret had told her about theirs and Foolish’s thoughts, they had a rough idea of where Fundy had gone through rumours and hearsay. Foolish was going to go visit Phil and see if he would be willing to lend them one of his crows to send after Fundy, planning to follow the bird where it flew. The birds were the Death Goddess’s eyes and ears, they knew where to find everyone no matter where they travelled. 

The moment Fundy was home, Niki made Eret promise to tell her as she wanted to come see him herself. Maybe even offer to build him a place in her ancient city, finally let someone else get close to her again. 

No matter her surprise and anger the moment Wilbur showed up, she is very glad he did. Niki thinks her Wil might be more in there than she thought, inspiring her in the same way he did all those years ago. The same fire blazed in her heart once more, a spark revived, driving her to do things she was afraid of. Even though she had been injured and damaged in the past, it might be time she finally moved forward with her life.

How funny the same man who she spent the most time cursing she was now grateful to for the passion to keep moving, working towards a goal she just made.

Niki smiled once more, pulling Wil’s cloak closer, her heart feeling more at peace. Maybe it was finally time to move forward, to let go of the past and live for the future.

It was time to focus on helping those she once cared about, be a listening ear for those who needed it. Starting with her boys, she pledged, the moment morning came she would send them a message.

With that thought, she turned to go to bed. She was finally more at peace for the first time in months, Niki slept through the whole night with pleasant dreams and awoke with a smile on her face.