Chapter Text
Life without Nikki Sixx sucked in Tommy’s opinion, even after three years.
He didn’t only lost his bassist, his friend and Terror Twin but he also lost the love of his life. This was his first tour without him and even worse he was sober too, it was a common decision between what was left of Motley Crue… Nikki wanted the band to keep going and kick ass so they all had to clean up their act.
It was fucking horrible, he never used drugs to numb the pain, they were fun and exciting just like him but now it felt like he needed them to forget about him, however whenever he was tempted to screw everything up he could see Nikki’s pleading eyes almost begging him to not repeat his mistake.
Promise me you will keep living. Promise me you won’t throw your life away and find someone else.
He was trying but God, it was so hard.
Nikki was his everything and for the first time in his life he felt empty, he never thought he could lose his smile but the more he kept doing it, the more he realized it was a fake one. Hell even in rehab they could tell how much Nikki’s death affected him… but didn’t even know half of what they were.
However it didn’t mean he didn’t find another way to cope, for fuck sake he was Tommy Lee the king of the craziness… he just needed to keep doing his antics without getting drunk… no big deal. And so he did: being with as many girls as possible, cheating on them all, driving his car as fast as he could, picking up fights more than usual… everything just to not think about his Nikki.
He was probably heading straight into a big mess but he didn’t care. There wasn’t anything worse than a life without Nikki Sixx and he was living it.
After their break it came the second part, the one he dreaded the most : find a new bassist. Tommy wanted to stay strong for his band mates, he was part of the band and he needed to do his work even if that meant sitting through a bunch of guys standing in Nikki’s spot. He knew it wasn’t easy for Vince and especially not for Mick, the one who Nikki gave this atrocious task to. The old man had some names but he wanted to make sure they were the right ones, so he made them audition.
The first day Tommy ended up breaking down in the bathroom half way through the selections. He hated hearing someone playing who wasn’t Nikki, he could tell it from the music and he despised it. He was angry because nobody but his boyfriend deserved that place but he was gone.
Nikki was fucking gone.
Eventually Vince came to check on him, he knew the blond was the one supposed to look after him, he learned that the night before rehab when they got wasted one last time. He wasn’t perfect but he made sure to do his best, Tommy was convinced he was either scared of Nikki’s ghost haunting him, he really cared about him or simply he was terrified about losing another band mate.
The next few days he tried his best to block all the thoughts out, he just closed his eyes and imagined that Nikki was there with his usual smirk, he tried to remember his voice whenever he was explaining a new song or when he would call his name. It worked for a bit, until he opened his eyes anyway but at least they managed to find someone. The guy was good but it wasn’t the man he loved and their best friend.
Before he could even say or do anything they were already off to tour. Tommy always finding being on the road bittersweet: if in a way it was the core of being a musician and he loved hearing the fans screaming the lyrics and visiting all the different cities, on the other it was tiring as hell considering that management always tried to squeeze the life out of them like lemons, especially with this tour and all the money they have lost due Nikki’s death.
However he could only think about the negative side now, the excitement for touring seemed to slowly fade away as he found himself playing show after show without Nikki. They were good, the album was great and the new bassist was also a decent songwriter but there was something missing, they weren’t the real Motley Crue but just a knock off version of themselves.
They tried his best to make the new bassist feel like part of the band, he tried to get to know him and to be honest he was a pretty cool guy, he and Vince even went clubbing with him but it wasn’t the same. All the debauchery wasn’t Terror Twins level, he hated being a fucking nostalgic but that guy simply wasn’t his boyfriend.
So he just kept touring, getting crazy about the little break they would get and running away from the pain by destroying hotel rooms. Probably the only thing he was excited about was his drum kit since he even added a rope to dive off of it, some would say it was to fulfill his reckless addiction but he would just reply that they were idiots : it was obvious that it sounded too cool to not do it.
“That thing can literally kill you, drummer” Mick made him notice one day.
“So?” His tone sounded way too serious to sound like he was joking around. He didn’t want to make them worry about him, Vince was already following him like a puppy.
“So? That’s your answer?”
“Yeah, I mean that won’t happen. The crew has everything under control”
---
April 7, 1990
Tommy woke up covered in sweat, his heart beating as loud as the drums he plays. Nikki’s voice and his face were still printed in his memory and closing his eyes didn’t make them go away, if it was possible it made them stick even more.
“I’m here baby, I came back.”
“No, stop it. You’re gone, you’re dead. Stop playing with me.”
“No I got clean, I’m good now and I love you so much. Please Tommy, don’t block me out.”
“You left me, you left me all alone Nikki! I don’t know how to deal with this shit I just want to be with you.”
“That’s impossible. You can never get me back, Tom. Ever.”
He looked at the clock and realized he needed to get ready to hit backstage. He had no idea how he fell asleep but probably it happened like any other times since he got sober: he cried himself to sleep.
The drummer tried his best to put some clothes on and just fake his smile, maybe the roadie and his band mates would help distract him or he would just end up locking himself in the changing room. That wasn’t who Tommy Lee was but when a piece of your heart is gone, well being happy seems fucking difficult.
“Oh hey Tommy!” The new bassist greeted him.
Fuck. This was the last person he wanted to see but he forced himself to turn around anyway, they never cared about being respectful but if the guy quit they would have been lost and Nikki disappointed.
“Hey dude.”
“Ehm… I found something in the studio last time we went. I thought it was mine but looking at it better it isn’t so…” He struggled to find the right words so he just got something out of his pocket and handed it to Tommy.
It was a pick. One of Nikki’s.
It recognized it straight away with the little signature drawing of Nikki at the bottom. He stared at it for a moment, emotions started to flood his heart and he couldn’t move… it was one of the last tangible memories of Nikki… the only thing that was left of his boyfriend.
“I thought you wanted it… ya know since you were very close.”
You have no idea how much. Nobody even knows half of it, if not for Vince and Mick.
“T-Thanks dude.”
Tommy smiled and put it in a pocket of his pants as the new bassist left, he promised himself to remember to turn the pick into a necklace or an earring so he would always have it next to him.
“Look what you made me do, I became a sentimental fucker for you” He whispered, rubbing his finger on the pick.
“ Become? You’ve always been a sentimental fucker.”
That’s what he imagined Nikki would have said but instead he was met with silence. He wanted to punch a wall and cry his eyes out, fuck the band and fuck Nikki who left him all alone with the task of “moving on and create a family”, he was his family.
“Guys, you’re on in 20”
Someone shouts and he slowly approaches the others, the pick feeling like a brick in his pocket. Another night, another show, he just hoped nobody would boo them even if the new guy seemed to be well received this far.
“Tommy your drum kit is all set, when you will give the signal we will do it” A roadie explained and Tommy nodded.
“Don’t get me wrong T-Bone, your stunt is sick but aren’t you worried about the risks?” Vince said.
“Nah, don’t worry about me Vinnie, what could go wrong?” The drummer smirked, shaking his head. The risk was the fun part in his opinion, plus the fans love it and what better way to feel his desire to be loved than by entertaining the people in a crazy way?
“I mean if he happens to hit his head it can’t get much worse than it already is.” Mick joked and the drummer lovingly flipped him off.
The new bassist arrived from his bathroom break and suddenly the all joking atmosphere chilled down. It was unfair but they still didn’t know how to treat him and he still had trouble fitting in… in Tommy’s opinion it was pointless to pretend to be his friend so he just tried his best to tolerate him.
“There you go newbie, let’s go!” Vince said, patting his back.
They walked to the curtains and Tommy stopped, he turned around waiting to see Nikki standing there, since he was always the last one to get out, but there was no one with him… empty space as his empty heart.
He squeezed the pick one last time before getting on stage and felt the audience screaming “Crue Crue” at the top of their lungs.
---
One of the best feelings in the world was to hear people sing back their lyrics, it gave him so much adrenaline which only fueled his crazy drummer, making the fans go even wilder. It was the best part of performing in his opinion and Nikki always joked that one die he would have exploded on stage because of how charged he was.
Nikki, always fucking Nikki running in his mind and never leave him alone. Why? What was the point of leaving if he kept staying there? He wasn’t alive, he wasn’t coming back! He was just a memory, a pale shadow living in his mind and his heart.
He should be there with all of them, he should be playing and he should turn behind to cast Tommy a smile, but there’s just the new guy bopping around… he never felt so alone in his drum space like he was doing at the moment.
You left me Nikki. You broke my heart but I still love you so much.
“I want to hear you fucking screaming for Tommy Lee’s solo!” Vince’s voice brought him back to the present and he shot a grin to the fans.
Now it was show time.
Being suspended so high was the best yet strangest experience ever. Seeing the audience on fire and knowing he was the reason for their happy faces was priceless for Tommy, the music felt louder even if he was further away and if he didn’t look too much he could have pretended that Nikki was the one playing bass.
“A spinning drum kit? Fuck that’s genius, Tommy.”
He was shocked that Nikki gave him attention… he was always so lost in his thoughts, in his affair with her, but now he was looking at him and the drummer felt like he was about to implode from the joy. Maybe his Nikki was coming back.
“Yeah but management will never let me do it.”
“I will talk with them, just you need to be extra careful. I don’t want you to crack your pretty head.”
He shook his head to take the memory away and kept banging his life on his drums, making sure to always interact with the people on his microphone. Nikki definitely never showed up at the right moment, but he had no idea if he should be happy to still remember me or feel like it was a punishment.
“Who wants to see me fly over you?!” He screamed in his mic and the audience went wild, cheering like crazy.
He smiled and approached his bungee rope and descended it but something felt off, a buzzing in his mind screaming him to stop.
The roadie will not pull the brake on it in time, fuck!
He started to panic and acted on instinct, letting go of the rope to reach his foot strap turning him upside down. When the rope’s brake was pulled on his twenty-foot plummet, Tommy barley saw someone in his peripheral vision before he felt his head crack into the head of a person in the audience, then he hit the ground head-first and blacked out.
The arena went silent and right before he lost his consciousness he could hear a scream and a familiar voice calling his name.
Tommy? Tommy, what the hell are you doing here?
---
“Somebody get a fucking doctor here! Tommy? Fuck answer Tommy!”
The voice sounded so far away and he wanted to answer but he had no strength. He had no idea where he was but the light was dim and it was silent and loud at the same time, like he was in a glass and outside there was a concert. Tommy tried to move but his legs felt like jelly so he just lied wherever he was.
What the fuck happen? One minute he was playing and the next everything was black… the voices that called… he knew them… one had to be Vince for sure but the other couldn’t be who he thought it was…
“What are you doing here? Go back, you can’t stay here!”
The voice again… it felt like a déjà vu, it told him already to leave but it was a different situation but again it couldn’t be who he thought it was.
“Nikki?” He asked, trying to lift his head to look at him but the pain was too much to bear, making him pass out again.
---
“ C’mon Nik, open the door!” Tommy said, banging on the door.
“Go away, Tommy.”
Tommy kept knocking, ignoring Nikki’s words.
“I just came back. I thought we were going to spend some time together…”
Tommy was so confused by his boyfriend’s silence, he could stay with his family for one more day but he gave it up to stay with Nikki and he didn't even open the door.
Something inside him was nagging him with the hard truth, the one he didn’t want to hear… I mean Nikki didn’t have that big of a problem with heroin, right? Surely he wasn’t choosing her over him now, it had to be something else!
“Tom, it’s not the moment okay?” Nikki’s voice came out slurred and it only made Tommy more adamant to stay.
“I won’t leave until you open this door! Even if it means I’ll sleep here.”
Nikki groaned loudly and dragged himself to the front door. When Tommy was finally able to look at him he couldn’t believe his eyes.
The man he saw wasn’t his Nikki… it was the shell of him, a pale and sick looking imitation of his lover. He felt like someone sucked all the air out of his lungs.
“Please Tommy, I promise we will see tomorrow, okay?”
The drummer was shocked but he nodded, still believing him even if he shouldn’t have. Nikki gave him probably the fakest smile he has ever seen him doing and the door closed again, leaving him all alone on the steps.
Tommy felt like he was about to cry so he decided to cling to the promise, it didn’t matter if today he hadn’t the time, they would have made up the next day.
But the next day Nikki didn’t show up and when he finally answered the phone he said he forgot. They only got the chance to meet a week later at rehearsal and Tommy pretended everything was already even if his heart knew better.
It was the beginning of the end and it would have taken a couple of months to make Nikki almost break up with him and die.
---
“C’mon Tommy, you have to wake up! You need to get out of here.” The voice that sounded like Nikki said.
The drummer opened his eyes and looked around: there were big glass panels all around him and he could see a figure standing… a familiar one.
No, it couldn’t be.
“Nik?” He was out of words as he got closer to the glass and where the man was standing. It had to be one of his dreams, right?
“Tommy, just go…” He said, just like his nightmare, just like that night.
“No. Tell me what’s going on… I don’t want to go… I-”
He felt a shock going through his heart, so painful that made him kneel again. Nikki seemed to want to get to him but the glass was preventing him.
“What the fuck was that?”
“Tommy, this is the limbo…” Nikki announced solemnly, as Tommy would understand what he was talking about.
“The limbo? Like the game with the stick?” He was genuinely confused but his joke made Nikki smile for half of a second and it was the best sight Tommy has ever seen.
He missed Nikki’s smile, it was one of the few things that kept him going.
“No, the limbo between life and death.”
“Wait… what? How the hell am I here?”
“Do you remember anything happening before this?”
Nikki’s tone was concerned, he didn’t change one bit from the last time he saw him. It meant it was a dream, right? It was the only explanation… maybe he hit his head and this was only an illusion. Wait a minute…
“I hit my head… I was doing something and then I was on the ground... I think I was playing the drums.”
“How they fuck did you get on the ground if you were playing?”
“I think I was using my rope… you know I have this new rope stunt after my drum solo but I think I got the landing wrong…”
“Tommy…” Nikki sighed in frustration. Probably all his work into keeping Tommy safe was turning out all useless now.
“What? I’m not even allowed to do that? God, I always had drum stunts!”
How did dare he? Nikki couldn’t judge him, not after everything he tried to do just to stay alive and forget the pain.
“Not if they nearly kill you! Because that’s what’s happening. You are dying and you need to come back.”
Tommy felt his blood boiling. They were finally together and that was what Nikki wanted to do? Scream at him? Lecture him like a little kid for making a mistake? Why wasn’t he telling him how much he missed him? Why was he breaking that fucking wall and kissed him?
“That’s the first thing you want to say to me? I haven’t seen you for years, you are gone forever and the only thing you can do is be angry at me?”
You like when he left you that night, your last night.
Nikki’s face softened and he started to bite his lip as he slowly approached the glass, now he was as close as he could be to Tommy.
“I missed you so much. There wasn’t a day where I didn’t think about you Tommy, I wish I could be with you…”
“But you’re not, you are dead and now you’re pushing me away again!” Tommy felt tears in his eyes but he didn’t want Nikki to see him crying.
“Because I don’t want you to die! Staying here with me means that I don’t want to ruin your life more than I have done.” Nikki intended to be harsh but there was a hint of sadness in his voice.
Tommy wanted to answer back but another shock to his heart brought him on his knees.
“Tommy? Fuck, Tommy!” The bassist couldn’t help but worry even if he couldn’t reach him.
“Unfortunately the chances of Mr Lee waking up are very slim. Even if he manages to do that, there’s no guarantee he will survive long.”
The glass started to get thinner and just when Nikki thought he could break it to save his boy, the drummer slowly got back to his feet.
“Babe?”
“I-I’m dying Nikki, they said I won’t wake up… I won’t survive long.” He had no idea why he was feeling so scared, didn’t he want to spend all his time with Nikki in the first place?
Deep down you don’t want to die. You’re afraid of this.
Nikki’s heart broke at his boyfriend’s fear, he knows that as much as you think you want that survival instinct will always prevail, so he decided to calm him down.
“It’s going to be okay. You need to calm down, babe. I’m gonna be here whether you’re going to make it or not.” It always amazed the bassist how Tommy could bring the softest part of him.
“I didn’t mean it, I swear. I was keeping your promise, please!” The drummer frantically tried to apologize. He was so terrified of making Nikki angry, but deep down this fear was because of the realization of his imminent death and leaving his band mates behind.
“I know Tommy, it’s okay. I know it’s scary but you have me.”
“Vince was doing a good job, he was keeping an eye on me, Mick found a new bassist, we all kept our promises.” Tommy wasn’t thinking rationally and if only Nikki could have held him, he had no idea if he was supposed to be grateful for the glass, because Tommy was still alive or mad because he couldn’t help him.
Tommy’s sobbing got interrupted by another voice very far away. He looked at Nikki but his confused expression told him he couldn’t hear it.
“God drummer, you’re really a piece of work, uh?! You really had to follow your idiotic terror twin like this?”
Mick. Tommy felt so guilty because he knew what was happening and who he was leaving behind, he didn’t think about his actions and now he had to pay the consequences just like Nikki. Is this how he felt when he left them all behind?
“Mick, God Mick I’m so sorry.” He tried to answer but he knew he couldn’t hear him and that was so unfair!
A small sad smile appeared on Nikki’s face when he heard Mick’s name, he wondered if all of this was his fault, if Tommy’s run towards the danger was a way to deal with the pain he caused.
“Fuck Tommy, not you too. We already lost Nikki, if he comes here to kick my ass I’ll tell him this was your idea.”
Vince’s voice was nothing but pain masked with empty sarcasm, if possible the drummer felt even worse because his friend didn’t fail him but he failed Vince by being an idiot.
“You did good, Vinnie. I’m sorry… I left you two alone…” The tears kept streaming on his face as he felt the glass against his back getting thinner.
He had no idea what to do until the inevitable occurred so he just closed his eyes and counted. His family would have been devastated and he couldn’t even say goodbye, Vince and Mick lost half of the band and two friends, the fans would have been heartbroken. He focused on all the happy memories he had, most of them involved Nikki but his childhood and all the crazy antics were there too.
Then he felt something snapping and crying from far away. He opened his eyes again and the glass was gone, his Nikki was standing on the other side waiting for him. He had officially died but Nikki was there, he was back with him.
“Tommy…”
He threw himself into the bassist's arms who quickly held him tightly. Tommy was overwhelmed by so many emotions and he couldn’t talk but it didn’t matter because Nikki was there and that mattered, he was not dealing with all of this alone, he didn’t even notice he could feel Nikki’s hands on him.
“I love you so much Tommy. I didn’t want this to happen but I won’t leave you anymore, I didn’t mean anything I said that day… I never wanted you away.” The bassist kissed his head tenderly.
“I’m back with you Nikki, I’m back with you”.
“You came too early, Tommy. God, I wish you lived a longer life!” Nikki sighed.
“Well, that’s the only time I came early.” He tried to joke and Nikki smiled widely.
“God I missed your horrible jokes so much.” He said, kissing Tommy on his lips.
The world lost Tommy Lee that day but Tommy Lee found his lover again.