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The air grew dense in its cold chill, wind waltzing in uneasy motions against snow and bark. The distant chatters of the town had shrunk into incoherency long ago, dissolved into silence with every step he took. Soon enough he was welcomed by the amber hue of his home again; so warm, so soft and so very silent.
Sans, home alone? Typical.
He was suffocating under the pressure of sobriety, shadowed hands clawing onto bone, tugging from side to side. He figured that he could use some booze now, more than ever, that it was justified, an act of heroism even, just so that he could keep the torturous truth to himself and only himself.
He stared at the date, they were coming tomorrow.
Sans didn't have the energy to go to Grillby's anymore, didn't have the courage, the self-control to perform in the 'social' aspect of things. He had to save if for tomorrow, after all. But it was clear he had been envious, not because he wanted company, far from it actually, but because of the drinks, the booze, the sweet release that comes with every gulp, every swallow.
He couldn't take it anymore.
He spent his last few grains of energy stuffing himself into refridgerators, cupboards, crawling onto chairs and spelunking in endless aisles of rotten spaghetti, "not-so-good" baked goods, dairy, lots of dairy, just to find the forbidden treasure, the only deserving reward for his 'valiant' hunt, hidden behind clumpy marinara.
Whiskey. Almost forgotten, on the verge of expiration too.
Well, it wasn't exactly 'almost forgotten'. Time was a difficult, convoluted concept to understand now with all the resets. Infact, he was pretty sure he had drunk the whole thing in the last reset. Yet it still remained here, untouched, upon him, every drop still there for him to savour.
He stared, felt the sweet, slightly smoky taste ghosting like phantoms on his taste buds, felt his hand reach out, tense up as if out of fear, eyes wide and panicked. He had nearly doubted himself, felt guilt as if the consequences of his actions had ever mattered in the first place. How pathetic.
It's common knowledge now that cold weather and feelings of hopelessness, bleak emptiness, were the perfect equation for booze, perhaps a bit too much in this situation however. Could you really blame him though?
Papyrus came home earlier than usual, looked past the annoying sock on the floor just before he saw his brother, in the same position he was before Papyrus had left, just with a glass of whiskey next to him now. And here he goes...
"UGH, SANS! YOUVE BEEN IN HERE THE WHOLE DAY, HAVEN'T YOU? I CAN TELL, YOU KNOW?"
Papyrus wasn't exactly correct. Sans had gone out, if only for the very few moments where he'd walk towards Grillby's, then walked back home out of shame. The infuriating silence he elected as an answer really didn't help much though. Sans only stared at his glass, swirling the amber liquid around as if it was the only source of entertainment he had had for the past few hours, the swirling itself was intoxicating now.
"SEE SANS IF YOU JUST GO OUTSIDE, YOU WOULD FEEL SO MUCH USEFUL! THERE'S SO MUCH FOR YOU TO DO, BUT YOU JUST CHOOSE TO SPEND YOUR TIME LAYING AROUND! NO WONDER YOU KEEP THINKING ABOUT ALL THESE...WEIRD THINGS? YOU'VE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO."
Silence, and suddenly, it was gone. Sans jolted.
"you don't get it! you don't have to remember any of it!" They both paused for a moment as Sans turned to face his brother suddenly. He looked as if he had reached an epiphany, as if he was finally going to tell the clear and honest truth, only for him to speak the most pathetic words he had ever heard come from his mouth, his confidence, smugness faltering at that very moment.
No, he couldn't tell him, he wasn't going to let the booze get to him, not like this.
"why couldn't I just be like you?" He shrieked, voice broken and shaky, face hidden in clammy palms, but he allowed himself to cry this time, to show his weakness even though he knew his brother couldn't possibly understand, because he didn't want him to understand, didn't want his brother to suffer the dread he himself had to face for each waking moment of his life.
"I THINK...YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK, SANS," he sat next to him, pushed the glass away, and his mouth parted once more, concern lurking on his every feature as if he wanted to say something, as if he was going to address the bigger problem plaguing them...but no. He chose silence, decided whatever he wanted to say was only going to make their situation worse. Sans only stared up at him, a near laugh at the ridiculousness of their situation. "sure, i guess..."
He's far too tired to argue in vain now, knows that soon this'll all be a forgotten memory, covered in dust.
Well at least he'd almost hope so.
The white noise from the TV dominated whatever conversation they were hoping to have, and as they each stole a quick glance at each other, Sans finally spoke up, out of some sort of guilt maybe. "i-i'm sorry i've been a bit...grumpy lately. i didn't mean for it to get this far. i'm scaring you, aren't i?" He gave a nervous laugh, devoid of any humour, and somehow waited for an answer to a rhetorical question, but judging from the silence that lingered between them, he was starting to doubt he would receive any. "i'm so sorry, paps. i just, god i wish i was like you sometimes," he laughed again and the silence repeats itself. "you're always so brave and i know that even if you were in my situation you-"
"SANS, YOU'RE JUST AS GOOD AS ME. WELL ALMOST AS GOOD, BUT THAT'S STILL A LOT! YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP TRYING," Papyrus said, soft but sudden in hopes of breaking the tension between them. Papyrus didn't understand.
Sans' eyes widened, mouth slightly agape as if in disagreement. "I BELIEVE IN YOU, AND IF THE GREAT PAPYRUS BELIEVES IN YOU THEN THERE'S NO DOUBT THINGS WILL BE OKAY!" Papyrus stared directly at him, desperately hoping to evoke some sense of confidence in his speech to uplift him. Even if he didn't know what his brother was talking about, even if it seemed too nonsensical to be real, he wasn't going to let his brother suffer like this.
"AND I'LL BE HERE WITH YOU, EVERY STEP OF THE WAY! YOU CAN ALWAYS DEPEND ON THE GREAT PAPYRUS, HE NEVER FAILS!" He beamed but his brother seemed to react opposingly "bro..." he started. "i can't...i can't, i can't just ignore it, i-"
"THEN, DON'T! YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT IT. IF YOU SAY IT CAN'T BE CHANGED THEN THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IS ACCEPT IT!"
"but I can't just accept it, paps! i can't keep watching it happen over and over again. it still hurts me so much to know it's going to happen again and again and-" his shaking figure paused, eyes staring up at his brother's patient smile, and somehow this positivity, charmingly quixotic, only pissed him off even more. He looked away.
"SANS, YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. EVERYTHING IS COMPLETELY FINE." No, Papyrus made it seem so easy. He needed to make Papyrus understand.
He laughed, a half-mad sound, and shifted his gaze over to his brother, the classic grin still plastered across his face, only now with thick thick impermeable layers of cynicism. He was going to make him understand.
"papyrus..."
It was the juxtaposition that drove him insane, the flame of bright burns clashing against his own bleak chill, the affirmations, self-confidence against the self-loathing he had cradled since his very birth. They both were very different, too different to even exist in each other's presence.
And now, in Sans' disturbingly silent state, in Papyrus' endless chains of earnest affection, Sans heard those words again, the sting of freshly charred bones, of flickering flames threatening his cold melting self. He could feel himself evaporate under the all too overwhelming heat again, and it was unavoidable. Heat was contagious after all, would travel to the cold, infect it until they both achieved a thermal equilibrium, until they both were one of the same. Papyrus was the flaming heat, his next few words burning into the back of Sans' skull.
"YOU'LL BE FINE, SANS. WE'LL ALL BE FINE." But Sans was water.
"well, too bad." Water always wins against fire...well, almost always, depending on the quantities and type of fuel used, but he didn't care anymore, would finally let himself enjoy his irrationality for once, the impossible physics and countless manipulated variables no longer mattered. He was blind to everything else, desperate only to prove his point. He was going to make Papyrus understand.
"do you ever get a feeling that we're pointless? like everything we do doesn't actually matter in the long run. like this doesn't matter in the long run, our relationship, our conversations. 'cause, just so you know, you're gonna forget about all this real soon. i don't even know why i'm talking to you, honestly," he snickered at the last sentence. He felt slight amusement muttering it. "so yeah, like you said, just accept it, sure. i'll accept it just like all the other times and keep laying around like a fucking idiot because i'm too dumb to do anything. nothing i do matters, nothing matters, i might as well be-"
"SANS!" Papyrus couldn't bare to listen to the chain of self-loathing, couldn't bare to hear his brother genuinely believe that his life was worth nothing, that it held no value. Did Sans really think this way, for how long? Tears brimming at the side of his eye sockets, he pulled his brother into an embrace. "PLEASE, YOU CAN'T TORTURE YOURSELF LIKE THIS...PLEASE," he was really begging now, and sans was starting to felt guilty, eyes staring down at the embers of their carpet.
"well, i can't keep living like this either, bro. this is torture. i can't spend every day of my life just dreading, and being forced to wait for the day you..." he didn't have the heart to finish his sentence, trailing off and searching for something new to say. "i don't want to go through it again, and i hate that waiting is the worst part. because i know it's going to happen! a-and now i just have to wait, and act like everything's fine when its really not. and the worst part is that it's almost a relief when it actually does happen, like i've been freed, even if it's only for the shortest while. 'cause you're gone now, and nobody can hurt you anymore, so its all 'okay'. heh can you believe that? god, i am fucking scum."
A pause, now that was definitely difficult to process.
"I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, SANS." That was a lie, Papyrus didn't understand a single thing that Sans had uttered, but god, was he trying.
"BUT ITS GOING TO BE OKAY. WHATEVER IT IS, I WON'T LET IT HAPPEN, I'LL LISTEN TO YOU THIS TIME. I PROMISE YOU, SANS. AND YOU KNOW ME, THE GREAT PAPYRUS ALWAYS KEEPS HIS PROMISES!" he beamed, hoping his brother would follow. "you can't, it just...doesn't work that way."
"THEN I'LL FIND A WAY! WHATEVER IT IS THAT'S BOTHERING YOU, I'LL FIND IT, TELL IT 'HEY THIS IS THE GREAT PAPYRUS AND I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME AND MY BROTHER ALONE PLEASE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH'." Sans laughed, genuine amusement from the absurdity of his brother's statement.
"I'LL DO SOMETHING, I PROMISE," and that last sentence had been sincere, genuine. "YOU TRUST ME, RIGHT SANS?" He merely whispered now, almost hesitant as if he was afraid of the response. "I'M HERE FOR YOU...A-AND I LOVE YOU. I WOULDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO HURT YOU. I'LL LISTEN TO YOU, WE'LL FIND SOME WAY."
It was sudden, felt like a sharp strike against his skull. Sans had reached an epiphany, a true one. Holy shit, he had an actual idea. His face lit up. No, things were going to be different this time, he had a plan.
"of course i do," Sans smiled, a true smile, for the first time today, eyes lights settling themselves in the bright hues of Papyrus. He was no longer afraid. "i'll always trust you, paps," he continued, smile twisting into impossible angles. The embrace grew tighter, and for a moment Papyrus was the one sniffling now. "I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU SANS, I'LL PROTECT YOU, FOREVER."
Sans sobbed harder in Papyrus' embrace, out of joy now maybe. The TV was replaying the same goddamn program they had watched the previous night. It seemed almost symbolic actually, the same program, the same words being muttered by Mettaton, the same movements all happening at the same time as they did before, as if only to mirror the mess of a life Sans was living. But for tonight, it didn't matter, because he had his brother in his arms, right beside him now, and he wasn't going to waste his time dwelling on the past, nor the future, tomorrow.
Papyrus was here, he was alive, and that's all that mattered to him right now. Tomorrow can wait, and no, tomorrow was not going to be the same, he was sure of it.
"y'know what, tomorrow is gonna be okay, paps. it'll be our day, and no one, not even god, is gonna take it away from us, fuck him, fuck everyone," sans grinned and papyrus looked towards him, hopeful. "guess we should call it to-marrow, huh?"
Silence, then a snort.
"MY GOD, SANS."