Chapter Text
Steve was going to be alone, on a Friday night, again. On Family Movie Night, again. For nearly the last three years his house was filled with laughter on Fridays. His living room was packed with air mattresses and pillows and blankets. The house smelled of popcorn, pizza, pop, beer and weed that clung to the hair and clothes of the older teens who would smoke out in the backyard.
On Friday nights Steve used to feel loved, whole, happy, like he finally had a real family. On Friday nights Steve used to be able to look up from his place on the couch and see the people he loved. Dustin’s curls peeking out of his cap, Max’s fiery red braids and teasing smile, El’s kind curious eyes. He’d hear Will’s shy laugh, and Robin’s carefree cackle. He’d feel Jonathan’s slender fingers as he carefully passed him a joint, the weight of Mike’s body curling up between him and Nancy on the couch when he got too tired to fake annoyance at them. He’d listen to Lucas as he’d debrief Steve on the basketball team's newest strategy and Steve would give him advice. He’d try to follow along as Eddie rambled about his band's newest song, clinging to each word with interest even though he didn’t know what half of them meant. He’d laugh at Argyle’s jokes that rarely made sense and at Erica’s perfectly timed zingers. He’d share looks of affectionate exasperation with Nancy, his unofficial coparent.
Now on Friday nights Steve was lonely, in a hollow way. On Friday nights he’d pick out a movie for himself, polish off a six pack, and pray to any god who would listen to bring someone over to knock on his door. Though, the knocks never came.
Maybe he should’ve seen it coming. No, scratch that he definitely should have seen it coming. This was an inevitability that everyone but Steve saw coming. His naivety, or perhaps his desperation, had clouded his judgement yet again. He’d been left behind a hundred times: by his parents, by Tommy and Carol and his entire high school pack, by Nancy, and now by his own kids. Though, they never were actually his and he knew that. He knew they didn’t claim him the way he claimed them, he knew their need for him was fleeting. Deep down he knew this was coming from the start. But it still hit him harder than any punch he’d ever taken when the inevitability crept up on him.
The worst part was that he led them right to the door that they’d leave him on the other side of. With a dopey smile, and a jingling of his keys, he showed up on each of their doorsteps and taught them the skills that they needed in order to not need him anymore. Maybe need wasn’t the right word. His smart, capable kids never ever needed him but they did once have a use for him. Like every other relationship he’s ever had though, when his usefulness dried up so did whatever connection he had.
So, Steve was alone again, alone in a way he hadn’t been since he was a child. He had his other friends, Nancy, Jonathan, Eddie, even Argyle, who for some ungodly reason had followed the Hopper-Byers clan back to Hawkins. But they all kept him at an arm's distance, perhaps never truly trusting that King Steve wasn’t still a douche underneath his bravado of saving the world. Maybe it was for another reason. Steve never was good at figuring out why people didn’t like him, he just knew they didn’t. He had Robin, of course, she was the one thing he was sure he’d never fully lose. She truly loved him, and he knew that but still he could feel her slipping away. A Capital-P-Platonic Relationship was nothing compared to a romantic one, and she had finally found that with Nancy. He rarely saw her outside of work within recent weeks, and although they worked together almost everyday it wasn’t the same as actually hanging out. He’d seen Nancy somewhat often, she still called, sometimes popped in for breakfast before work to check in. He’d smoked with Argyle and Jonathan a couple of times at the quarry. Most painfully, he’d barely even seen a glimpse of Eddie apart from a quick wave at the grocery store or a call, always initiated by Steve. Without the kids corralling them all in for movie nights, rides to the arcade, and trips to the diner, it felt like all of Steve’s friends had forgotten about him. Even his small interactions with them seemed to be dwindling.
Steve felt empty. And it was stupid. He was stupid, no one had fully left and no one owed him any time at all. Still, for once he wanted to feel the love he gave, given back to him. The kids –his kids– were still around, kinda. Dustin would radio him on the frequency set up just for the two of them to chat at least three times a week. Max would show up to his work occasionally after school and hand him a new mixtape, asking to hear his thoughts on the last. El and Will would come by every so often and ask him to play video games with them (still always hugging goodbye which made Steve choke up). Mike, surprisingly, had come over a few times with a movie, muttering about his dad being a dick. He barely spoke beyond that but would still end the night asleep half-lying on Steve, and would dance around the kitchen in the morning while they made pancakes before he left. He saw Lucas the most, who still came over every Sunday afternoon to talk basketball, and practice. Erica would tag along occasionally, sipping a smoothie Steve made for her and reminding them how stupid their shorts looked. He cherished these small moments, but longed for more of the big ones.
“Hey! Dingus!” Robin called, poking her head into his cubicle. “We’ve been off for fifteen minutes, and you’ve spent the last twenty-five staring at your keyboard like it just turned you down for a date. Let’s go.”
“Shit, sorry. You didn’t have to wait for me though Robs,” He said, secretly touched that she did.
“You’re my ride home, remember?” He didn’t remember, and was slightly let down; she didn’t wait out of care, though she had no reason to do so.
“Right,” He rose from his chair and gathered his things quickly. “We can go, sorry.”
“It’s fine,” She said, gently, bumping his hip with hers and they made their way out of the building and to his car. “What’s bothering you?”
“Noth-“
“Don’t bullshit me Steve,” She cut him off. “I can tell, either you spill now or you call me sobbing when whatever this is gets too much for you. I know you better than anyone and I know something’s wrong, you’ve been moping all week, maybe longer, and I hate it. And I hate seeing you cry even more so please just tell me.”
Her rambling had continued uninterrupted until they were sat in the car. Steve’s hand wavered, keys at the ready at the ignition, giving Robin a pointed look. He started the car as a way to cut her off and began driving.
“Rob, it really is nothing. I’m just in my head, being dramatic, it’s-it’s stupid, really.”
“I don’t care, Stevie. It’s not stupid to me if it’s bothering you,” Robin reached over to rub Steve’s arm lovingly.
Steve sighed, racking his mind for a lie that would make him feel less pathetic. A lie that wouldn’t end in pity hangout sessions, Nancy forcing people to hang out with him, and the feeling of disingenuous friendships. He really couldn’t tell Robin what was really bothering him, it was selfish. He knew that well, and over the last month he had already reached his breaking point. The wracking sobs, the unbearable sadness, the breaking of his soul had already happened.
Only this time, for the first time since the Summer of Starcourt, Steve didn’t call Robin. He cried alone, knowing that she wasn’t his to call anymore, not really.
“I just, I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. I don’t know it’s kinda been a shitty month,” Steve said, keeping it vague was his best option. “I don’t really know what’s wrong with me, I guess. Maybe it’s the new job, the pay’s nicer but it’s kinda lonely,”
They were coming up Robin’s street now, and despite his aching loneliness, Steve couldn’t wait for her to get out of the car.
“Oh,” She started, pausing for a moment to think. “I-We can hang out tonight? If that’ll make you feel better. I’ve got reservations at Enzo’s with Nance, but I can come over after?”
Steve knew he should’ve said no, this was the pity hangout that he wanted to avoid. The thought of his hauntingly empty house on yet another Friday night took over though, and he wasn’t sure if he could bear it tonight.
“That’d be nice Robs,” He said, as he pulled into her driveway. “I rented Dirty Dancing, Red Dawn, and Youngblood. You can take your pick when you get there.”
Robin grimaced at the thought of a Swayze themed movie night, but promised to be over at 9:30 all the same. Steve waited to see she got in the house safely, and waved back when she shooed him away from her doorway. He turned on the radio as he pulled out, the station playing a song that Will had shown him once, claiming it as his favourite. Steve had decided he quite liked it too, and hummed along to Boys Don’t Cry , excited for his night with Robin.
Steve busied himself by tidying the living room when he got home, triple checking that Robin's favourite movie snacks were stocked in his cupboard, and bringing down her preferred blanket from the guest room. Once he was certain everything was perfect he reheated a bit of leftover spaghetti he had made earlier in the week, and sat down to watch Youngblood. He knew Robin would have no interest in a movie about hockey starring Rob Lowe and Patrick Swayze, but he had been looking forward to it. The boys were pretty and sports were interesting, what more could Steve ask for? The movie ended, cutting close to 9:30, so Steve hurriedly washed up his dinner dishes and started on the popcorn.
9:30 came and went with no knock though. Steve pushed down his worries. Upside Down related events hadn’t come up since the kids freshman year. They were juniors now, coming up on the end of their first semester. They were done with the supernatural, had been for almost two years, and yet the scars on Steve’s sides ached with sickening anticipation. He wasn’t sure if they could win another fight, not when they’d come so close to losing Max and Eddie both during their last. Dinner at Enzo’s must have simply run late, that was the logical conclusion. Robin was safe, on her way, no one was hurt. If they had been, someone would’ve called, or radioed. Steve knew that. Still he found himself rocking back and forth trying to comfort himself, imagining the strong arms of Swayze wrapped around him, anything to will away his fears.
At 9:45 the phone in the kitchen rang, and Steve scrambled to it.
“Hello?” He said, his voice on edge.
“Hi Stevie, it’s Robin,” The girl giggled, she was drunk, Steve could tell. “I’m so so so sorry but I don’t think I’m gonna make it over tonight.”
“Oh, that’s okay!” He said a little too brightly. “As long as everything’s okay, like, you know Upside Down related.”
Robin laughed into the phone, “No, I’m just gonna make-out with my hot, hot, hot girlfriend.” He heard Nancy chastise her from the other side of the room, giggling just the same. Steve felt relief, for a moment, and then a nauseating upset.
“Gross. Just no will do next time, see you Monday.” He said, as brightly as he could muster, hanging up just as the first tears fell.
He moved in a daze, back towards the living room, grabbing a bottle of cheap vodka Eddie had left there a few months ago on his way. The static from the finished tape hissed at him, but Steve left it on, unsure if he could bear silence. He took a large swing from the bottle, choking both at the taste and from the sob breaking through from his chest.
Stupid, stupid Steven Harrington, did you really think anyone cared about you? The voice in his head asked, it sounded a lot like his father. Selfish brat, why would anyone give up date night to take care of you? The voice asked again, having morphed into his mother. Such a fucking loser. The voice sneered, taking on Tommy’s vilest tone. You’re bullshit. Bullshit. Nancy’s voice now ringed in his ear. You’re a nuisance, to everyone. A chore. Steve remembered these as his mothers words, but they came to him in Robin’s voice. Oh how the mighty fall, King Steve. Eddie’s voice jeered at him.
“No, no no no no,” Steve muttered to himself. He brought his knees up to his chest and covered his ears, as if that would protect him from the voices within.
You really are bullshit . The voice was Mike’s now. God, you’re so stupid. Dustin’s voice butted in. You can’t protect anyone . El’s voice reminded him. No one needs you, no one even wants you. Lucas’ voice spat at him. You’re a coward, Max’s voice started. A waste of space. Will’s finished. You’re a good-for-nothing piece of shit who peaked in high-school. Erica’s voice rang the loudest. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. The voices combined, echoing at him, harmonizing like a sick choir.
It was hard for Steve to breathe now, he felt sick. He blindly grabbed for the bottle of vodka anyway, spilling a good amount down his front as he took a generous swing. He hummed softly, to himself, the tune reminiscent of a lullaby one of his nannies sang to him when he was young enough to have them. He wished he could have called someone -anyone- but he was too afraid no one would come even if he did.
––
Steve awoke the next morning on the living room floor with a pounding headache. The finished tape from last night still roared its static buzz, and Eddie’s now-empty bottle laid next to him. His back ached along with his head as he stood with a groan, making his way over to the kitchen for a glass of orange juice and several painkillers. He should’ve eaten, should’ve showered, should’ve tidied the living room and thrown out the untouched popcorn from last night. He didn’t have the energy for anything more than a quick brush of his teeth and an outfit change. He needed to get out of the house, to be anywhere but his big, empty, silent, lonely house. He ripped open the front door in a hurry, nearly crashing into Max who was preparing to knock.
“Woah, hey Steve,” She said, putting her hands out to steady him.
“Hey kiddo, what’re you doing here?”
“I had a question, um, I wanted to ask for a favour,” She said, she seemed nervous and was blushing hard. Steve was touched that she would come to him, for anything. “I can go find someone else though, if you were about to go out.”
“No! Come in, I was just gonna go for a drive, nothing important going on,” He said, placing a hand on her back as he guided her to the living room. She stared at the bottle lying on the floor and gave Steve a strange look but said nothing. He kicked it under the sofa, and matched her blush, though his stemmed from shame. “So, what’s up? What do you need?”
“It’s dumb, really dumb.”
“Nothing any of you kids need is dumb to me.”
“Well, I was wondering if you’d do my hair?” She said, blushing harder now. “It’s just, my mom usually does it but she’s passed out drunk on the couch, and I’ve seen the braids you’ve done on Holly, and Nance, and on Eddie in the summers and they’re really nice, and Lucas and I have a date tonight so I wanted to look nice.”
She spoke so quickly Steve could barely keep up. He smiled at her, feeling warm, and placed a hand on her shoulder to calm her. Trying to push down the guilt he had for leaving his bottle out.
“I’d love to do your hair Max, anytime.”
“Could you do that twisty updo thingy you did on Nancy for her work Christmas party?” She asked, Steve smiled at her shyness, it was a side of her he rarely saw. Soft, sweet, timid Max who seemed to exist only with him. She’d gotten better at letting her friends in after her close call with Vecna, but she was still snarky and sarcastic most of the time. There was a certain special side of Max reserved for each of her closest friends though. Kind with El, loving with Lucas, admiring with Nancy, and sweet with Steve.
“Of course, just let me run upstairs and grab some stuff.”
When he returned with hairspray, bobby-pins, and hair-ties in hand he led Max to the kitchen island and had her sit on one of the stools. He worked in silence, humming along to the tape Max had popped into his stereo.
“Where are you and Lucas heading for date night, kiddo?” He finally asked, wondering why Max wanted such an elaborate hairstyle.
“Just dinner and then he’s taking me to the drive-in one town over, you know it?”
“Yeah,” He said, still not understanding why Max was enlisting his beauty services for what seemed like a casual date. “It’s nice, I took Nance there to see The Outsiders when we were dating.”
“It’s our anniversary, kinda,” Max said, she was nervous. “Four years since our first kiss.”
“Wow, look at you lovebirds,” Steve said, painfully aware that his kids had surpassed him in the realm of serious relationships. The longest relationship he had since Nancy was his weird unlabelled thing with Eddie that fizzled out and ended with Eddie avoiding alone time with Steve at all costs.
“I mean we’ve broken up a million times, but it seems important, I don’t know.”
“Of course it is! You have every right to be excited.”
Max beamed at him in response, and he continued on her hair while she hummed along to a Queen song that reminded him painfully of Eddie. He smiled back as he remembered the night Eddie had spun him around the living room and serenaded Steve as his own personal ‘lover boy’. He missed that. The rest of the hairstyle was completed in silence, as the loneliness gnawed at Steve with an unignorable tenacity. He hadn’t even noticed the tears spilling until Max pointed them out in shock after his final spritz of Farrah Fawcett spray.
“No, no, no, I’m not crying. I got some hairspray in my eye, that’s all.” He lied, wiping at his eyes a bit too violently and cursing himself internally.
“Are you sure?” Max asked, looking at him curiously, almost sadly, before glancing towards the living room where the vodka bottle had laid. “I know I’m the little sister, but you can tell me if somethings wrong, I always come to you so it’s only fair.”
“I’m sure Maxie, just the hairspray, now get out of here you got a date to get to!” He said, faking enthusiasm.
She thanked him for the hair, exclaiming her love for it after a glance in the guest bathroom mirror, and made her way to the door. She turned back though once her hand met the door knob and crashed into Steve in a hug much tighter than her normal.
“Just in case you’re lying,” She explained, after he made a puzzled sound.
“I’m not.”
“Okay, I love you. See you later.”
“Love you too, Max,” He replied softly, before he led her to the door. “Have fun tonight.”
He closed and locked the door behind him, pressing his back against the door and running his hands through his hair after he had. What an idiot he was, almost ruining Max and Lucas’ anniversary with his selfish tears. The house was consumed with deafening silence, leaving a ringing in Steve’s ears. He wanted to be anywhere but there.
—
His plans for a drive were never fulfilled, instead Steve had spent the rest of his afternoon sitting in the shower, hoping the burn from the water would distract him from the aching pain from his chest. When the water went cold he remorsefully left the shower, and changed into a pair of sweats that belonged to Tommy in middle school and a shirt that Jonathan had left after a sleepover. Neither fit him properly, Tommy’s pants were too short and wide and Jonathan’s shirt a bit snug on his shoulders but it brought him pseudo comfort. If he couldn’t have real company he could surround himself with ghosts of past intimacy. Steve mindlessly took himself through his hair-care routine, rubbing in his oils and creams. He had just about finished with his last product when the phone downstairs rang, his heart skipped a beat, and he flew downstairs to answer it. Unexpected phone calls still made him nervous, and he rubbed the scars under Jonathan’s shirt as he picked up the receiver.
“Harrington Residence, Steven speaking,” He said, obliging to the script his parents would approve of on the off chance it was one of them on the other end.
“Hi Steve,” Mike said, his voice small.
“Hey kiddo, what’s up,” Steve said. He worried about Mike, it had been hard for him since his mother‘s death during the battle with Vecna. He fought with his dad often, and while Nancy and Jonathan both had taken a gap year and then started their post-secondary schooling at the community college to stay close by, she wasn’t around often. Steve could tell Mike was struggling.
“Can you tell Dustin to leave me alone?” He sounded on the brink of tears.
“What do you mean? Is he bothering you? Is he being mean? What’s going on?” Steve asked all too quickly. There was nothing he hated more than conflict between his kids.
“He keeps bitching that I have to miss Hellfire this week and it’s fucking annoying. It’s not like I want to, but I gotta watch Holly and I asked my dad if we could ask Joyce but he just yelled at me about responsibilities. He’s called me like four times today to call me ‘disloyal’ and I literally cannot take it anymore,” Mike said, it was apparent he was crying fully now and Steve’s heart ached for his boy. “I’m sorry for bothering you, I just don’t know what else to do.”
“Hey, hey, hey, you don’t ever have to apologize for asking me for help. I love you kids more than anything and I’d be happy to whoop Henderson’s ass for you any time,” This prompted a small giggle out of Mike. “I’ll deal with him, is there anything else I can do?”
“No, just that. Thanks Stevie,”
Steve was unbelievably upset for Mike, and annoyed at Henderson. They all knew well of the issues Mike had been having with his father these last two years. Grief turned to anger for both Ted and Mike, making the Wheeler house a hard place to be for the middle Wheeler child. Since Nancy started college, the duty of watching Holly was placed on Mike perhaps a bit too much, no matter how hard Joyce, Claudia and Sue tried to offer help. Mike's own needs were often cast to the side these days, and he needed support from his friends more than ever. Steve would like nothing more than to give Ted Wheeler a lecture on his own responsibilities as a father to three. He’d instead have to settle on a talking-to with Dustin about consideration,
“It’s what I’m here for kiddo, and if it makes you feel any better Eddie probably just said the whole ‘disloyal’ thing as a joke and Dustin ran with it because he has his head lodged up Munson’s ass.”
Mike laughed wetly, “I know.”
“You can come over if you want?” Steve asked, only half selfishly.
“I’m going to Will’s, thanks though.”
Oh. Steve’s heart tightened at the realization: his movie nights with Mike were a last resort for him, while for Steve they’d been a saving grace. His weekend really could not get worse, he thought. He couldn’t help his sigh, it was either that or a sob right that moment; Steve needed a drink.
“Alright, I’ll call Dustin for you, have a good time with Will and El.”
“Just Will, El’s gone to visit Murray and Dmitri with Joyce this weekend.”
“That’s a strange group,” Steve said. “Girls weekend with Uncle Murray and his burly Russian housewife.”
Mike laughed again, tears obviously gone. There’s a win at least.
“Stop calling them that, it’s weird. Bye, Steve.”
“Bye-Bye.”
Steve sighed again, swallowing hard trying to get rid of the bump in his throat before dialling Dustin’s number. He was not looking forward to this conversation.
“Hello?” Dustin’s mother chirped.
“Hiya Mrs. Henderson, it’s Steve. Is Dusty around?”
“Oh hi dear, he’s out with Edward at the moment, I’ll ask him to call you back.”
“That’ll be great, thanks Claudia.”
Steve hung up the phone, relieved that Dustin wasn’t home, but also hurt that he was hanging out with Eddie when he’d barely spent any time with him these last few months. He wasn’t even in a proper relationship with Eddie and he still loses the kid in the divorce. Steve shook his head, not your husband, not your kid, he reminded himself. He checked the clock, 5pm, he could have that drink now, it’s not sad to drink at 5pm. He poured himself a generous glass of his fathers whiskey and decided to watch Dirty Dancing. Johnny and Baby were practicing their lift in the water when the doorbell rang three times: Dustin’s signature. He was one of the only kids who had a key and yet he insisted on Steve still coming to answer the door. He downed his whiskey on the way to the door and popped some diner mints left on the kitchen counter, worrying one kid a day was more than enough.
He was greeted with a flustered, excited Dustin at the front porch, Eddie a few steps behind looking sheepish, almost exasperated. He waggled his fingers at Steve and smiled smally. Steve longed to take him in his arms, but he couldn’t.
“Steve! Is my VHS of The Neverending Story here? I’ve looked everywhere and Eddie needs to watch it. He’s never seen it, can you believe it? One of the best movies of all time and Eddie’s never seen it!” Dustin said, hurriedly.
“Calm down Henderson,” Steve said, now understanding Eddie’s tired demeanor. “I think it’s in the living room, come in.”
Dustin zoomed past him, running to where he knew Steve kept the movies.
“You’re watching Dirty Dancing?” Dustin yelled back at the two older men, who had not moved. Eddie raised his eyebrows at Steve, humour in his eyes.
“Shut up, Swayze’s hot.” Steve mumbled at him.
Eddie brought his hands up in defence, “Never said anything Harrington, Swayze’s real pretty.”
Harrington. He didn’t used to be Harrington to Eddie, he was once Stevie, Big Boy, Princess, Darling, Lover Boy. The tense formality felt foriegn coming from Eddie. Steve could only smile in response though, thankful for any moment with Eddie, especially when he wasn’t quite sure why their moments ever stopped.
Hey Eds?” Steve started, remembering now about Mike’s tears. “I gotta talk to Dustin, mind waiting here for a second?”
Eddie looked taken aback at the nickname, but fuck that, Steve never agreed for them to be strangers. He stepped through the door timidly, and ducked away from Steve as he closed it behind him.
“Everything okay?”
“Mike,” Steve answered simply, and Eddie understood, nodding, looking a little guilty. “It’ll only take a minute.”
Steve left Eddie in the foyer, wiping his sweaty hands on his pants, he couldn’t really tell if he was nervous about confrontation with Dustin, or being in close quarters with Eddie, maybe it was both.
“Hey Dust?” He said as he entered the living room just as Dustin pulled the VHS from Steve’s cabinet. “We need to talk, sit for a second, Eddie’ll wait.”
“What’s up?” Dustin asked as they both sat on the couch, he toyed with the fringe of the blanket Steve had been using.
“Mikey asked me to talk to you, you’ve upset him.”
“Is this about Hellfire?” Dustin asked, he didn’t sound sorry. “Is he a child? Can’t he deal with his own issues.”
“Hey, don’t be like that. You know he’s been in a tough spot, he doesn’t have the freedom you do right now.”
Dustin rolled his eyes, this wasn’t like him. The only kid he’d maybe expect this behavior from was Mike himself, or a particularly pissed-off Max. Dustin scoffed, giving Steve no real reply. He normally could never stop talking, but now he wouldn’t say a word.
“Why are you being like this Dusty?”
“Stop calling me that,” Was his only response, Steve’s chest panged at this. His stubbornness at the moment was reminiscent of fights with Tommy. Steve fiddled with the drawstring of his sweats at the thought. “I’m not a kid.”
“I know,” Steve said smally, fuck, he was not in the mood for this. “I know, but Mike asked me to do this for him, and it’s my job to look after you guys.”
“No, it isn’t. You’re not Nancy, or Jonathan. You’re not anyone’s big brother,” Dustin snapped, red in the face now. Steve, logically, knew he didn’t mean to hurt him. He was just angry, but god, that hurt. “Just stay out of it.”
Dustin stormed off, he was out the door before Steve even made it to the foyer, met with a slightly confused Eddie. He had obviously heard everything.
“He,” Eddie took a pause, deciding to step closer to Steve and place his hands on Steve’s shoulders. He leaned into the touch. “He didn’t mean that, he’s just been in a mood lately. I’ll talk to him about this and about Mike.”
Steve only nodded, with words would come tears, and he didn’t want to cry in front of Eddie, not anymore. Eddie’s hands hadn’t left him yet, and Steve was thankful, his thumbs rubbed in soothing circles, Steve wished he could’ve stayed, but someone had to take care of Dustin, and Eddie wasn’t his anymore, never was maybe.
“You okay, Stevie?” Steve's heart warmed slightly at the term of endearment, even if it was almost certainly out of pity.
“Fine. I mean, he’s 16, we all said things we didn’t mean at 16.” Steve knew for a fact that if Steve Harrington-Age 16 met the Steve Harrington of today he’d have several unkind words to say to him, much unkinder than Dustin’s. Though, that didn’t really make the hurt go away.
Eddie chuckled softly, “Exactly, it’s his government-mandated duty to be a dick right now. I’ll see you around Stevie.”
With that Eddie backed away from him, and turned to the door, when he got to it he stopped and turned back. A teasing smile took up his whole face, his eyes shining, he looked beautiful like that.
“Don’t have too much fun with Mr. Swayze,” He added, knocking the door frame lightly twice. He laughed wildly at his own joke and swept off into the night, where Dustin waited impatiently in his van.
“Bye, Eddie.” Steve whispered softly, as he shut the door. Steve missed him, missed him more than anything.
Steve ran his hands through his hair, tugging slightly, as if that would rid him of the new headache brewing. He stopped in the kitchen to pour another whiskey and down some more painkillers. It dawned on him then that he hadn’t really eaten anything today, so he grabbed a piece of white bread and forced it down, having no energy to prepare or even order anything else. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey as well for good measure.
He considered, for a moment, calling Jonathan but everyone knew well Saturday nights were date nights. for him and Argyle. The two insisted they were ‘just bros’, but bros don’t share a one bedroom apartment. Steve wished he had someone to call his like that. Other than Eddie and El, he was the only one in the group that was alone, though they didn’t seem to mind the way he did. He wished he could be like El, who somehow seemed happier after her relationship with Mike ended, who seemed to love how happy Mike and her brother, Will were together. Maybe he was selfish, selfish in a way someone as bright as El never could be.
Steve resigned back to his spot on the couch, pressing play on Dirty Dancing again. Downed another two glasses before the film ended. He didn’t waste a second to replace the tape with Red Dawn, but then turned it off as soon as the gunshots started. His nerves still too shot two years after being around any danger to watch such a movie alone. It was only 8:30pm but whiskey always made Steve tired and he didn’t have anything better to do. His reaction to whiskey was something that, first Tommy and years later Eddie, found extremely funny. Steve smiled to himself at the memory of the boys’ past teasing as he made his way up to his bedroom. They were so incredibly different, but also similar in ways Steve couldn’t really place. He missed Tommy too, he’d come to realize in the recent year. He was an ass, but he was also so protective of Steve, in a way that was unique to him. He considered reaching out a few times, but he couldn’t. Tommy was gone. In a new state, in a new home, with new friends, with a new phone number, at college far away from Steve’s reach. He shouldn’t dwell on it. Hopper had told him once that a man’s worst enemy was his own damned head, and god he was right. He settled into bed, threw a pillow over his head, and begged for sleep to take him. Soon enough it did, the whiskey promising him a dreamless sleep.
—
Steve woke to the phone ringing. He groaned and looked at his clock, it was nearing noon, it was probably Lucas. His mother was apparently the only one who taught her son manners out of all the party, and Lucas always called to ensure he was welcome before each of their hangouts. Will and El called too, but considering Jonathan’s often abrasive demeanor Steve guessed it was more about their own characters than Joyce’s lessons. The somehow still taught scars on his sides protested as he rose and made his way down to the phone.
“Hello?” He mumbled into the phone, his parents only called in the evenings so he wasn’t worried about being lectured for such a gruff greeting.
“Hi,” Will’s timid voice greeted him. “Can Mike and I come over with Lucas? He’s at my house right now, we thought we could come together to hang out.”
“You and Mike are interested in basketball now?” Steve asked, knowing well they weren’t.
“No,” He laughed. “Hopper can’t cook for shit and we were hoping for a Steve Special for lunch after you guys were done.”
Steve laughed as well, and mentally racked his kitchen stock. He definitely had the ingredients for the subs Will was talking about, he always did, but he was absolutely providing the boys with dinner as well. Stir fry would do perfectly, he decided.
“Of course Will, you’re all welcome anytime. See you soon.”
Lucas always came over around 2:00, so that gave Steve enough time to thoroughly clean before they arrived. He washed his whiskey glass, threw out the popcorn from Friday, and straightened the living room. He was nearly done with vacuuming when hunger struck him, and it was only 1:15. He decided on fried eggs and leftover rice from Thursday night. Running quickly upstairs to change his outfit before he did, he threw on a pair of black shorts and an old Hawkins High hoodie.
He watched the afternoon news program as he ate, typical weather and traffic was followed by an opinion piece on the safety of Hawkins. Steve scoffed, Hawkins was very safe now. All thanks to a girl with telekinesis, a group of nerdy kids, a priss with a gun, the town loner, a stoner delivery man, a zombie police chief, a worried mother, a lesbian, a freak, some Russian guys, and Uncle Murray . And Steve, but he thought they’d probably have done fine without him. He turned off the TV just as they started to interview some middle-aged bitch on Main Street, squawking about Satanic rituals.
He worried about Eddie, the town still hated him, still wanted to hurt him, sometimes did hurt him, despite his name being cleared. He refused to leave though, even after Steve offered to run away with him. Steve had bothered him about it for 7 months after the defeat of Vecna, in the most intimate part of their affair, before Eddie finally told him why he wouldn’t. Sweet, sweet Eddie, the absolute angel, couldn’t bear to leave his mother behind, her grave that is. She had died, at the hands of his father, when Eddie was 10. ‘This town can take fucking everything from me, fuck if I care, but I won’t let them make me lose her.’ Eddie had told him, in the dark of Steve’s bedroom, crying big ugly tears. Steve didn’t have words, he wished he had maybe then Eddie wouldn’t have left him. He just held him that night.
He held him every other night too, for 10 more beautiful months. Until September of ‘87, when Eddie started coming over less and less, until October when Eddie stopped sleeping over entirely, other than Fridays, until November when Friday Movie night died and Eddie stopped seeing him at all. In the beginning, Steve had questioned it only to be told nothing was wrong between them. Then, through a horrible twist it was December, and Steve knew there was no ‘them’ at all anymore, but he didn’t know why. God, he wanted to know why, he thought, staring into his half-eaten cold rice. Steve wanted to fix whatever he’d done wrong, wanted to hold Eddie again, breathe in his contrasting scent of mint shampoo and strawberry body wash, clashing against residual weed and cigarettes.
He shook the thoughts of Eddie out of his head. He couldn’t be upset when the kids came over, all of his attention had to be on Lucas. Lucas who, bless his heart, still insisted on basketball practice on Steve’s backyard court even in the biting cold of Hawkins December. Steve wasn’t sure he’d survive when the snow started coming in, but he’d practice with him anyways. With fifteen minutes to spare before his boys’ expected arrival, Steve began to prepare the ingredients for the sub-sandwiches that allured in Mike and Will’s company, and for the dinner he’d force into their hands before they went home. He had thrown away his own lunch and had started to sauté some of the veggies for stir fry when the jingle of keys and the creak of the front door let him know Lucas, Will and Mike had arrived.
“Hi Steve!” Will called.
“Hey, I’m in the kitchen.” He replied.
The boys came barrelling in, Mike with his hands on his hips. “How come Lucas gets a key and I don’t?” He asked, offended.
“Cause he comes over every week?” Steve answered, feeling a little guilty.
“I want one too.”
Steve smiled, he looked over from his shoulder to see Mike sticking his chin out like a stubborn toddler.
“Okay,” He answered simply, making note to run down to the hardware shop to get another copy. There was very little he could bring himself to deny his kids. “You want one too Baby Byers?”
Will shrugged shyly, “Maybe, just in case I need you. For an emergency or something.”
Shit. Steve had never thought of the kids needing keys. He always thought of it more of a convenience for the ones who came over most. Robin, Nancy and Jonathan all had a copy just in case, and he didn’t remember Eddie ever giving his back, so all the kids having one would make sense. He was an idiot for not thinking of it sooner. Thoughtless, selfish, stupid Steve Harrington.
“I’ll get all of you one,” He said.
Mike hummed in approval as he came up behind Steve in a nosy fashion and buried the boniest part of his chin into his shoulder. He peered into the pan Steve was working on. “We asked for subs,” He informed him.
“I’m aware Michael, you’ll get your subs. This is for your dinner, brat.” Steve replied in his best ‘tired mom’ tone, Mike’s head remained on his shoulder as he finished up.
“You didn't have to do that!” Will said.
At the same time, Mike had beamed at him, “Thanks, Steve,” He said softly.
“It’s no problem, I like cooking for you guys,” He said as he clicked off the stove. He could finish making dinner while the boys ate their subs later. “Mikey, you gotta move.”
Mike complied easily, stepping backwards to stand beside Will who instantly wrapped himself around Mike’s arm and kissed his cheek. Lucas pretended to gag as he did.
“Disgusting.”
“Homophobic.” Will countered.
“Hey! No, I-” Lucas started, Steve shook his head at the encounter.
“Enough! Lucas go start on some free throws, I’m gonna show Will and Mike where the movies are and I’ll be with you in a second.” Steve said, perhaps a bit too snappy than he meant to. Fuck, he was tired. He had slept for almost 12 hours the night before, but all he wanted was to go bury himself back in his blankets, and maybe cry.
Lucas scurried outside after a quick salute. No amount of ‘jock indoctrination’ -as Dustin called it- could take the nerd out of Lucas Sinclair, Steve wished he had been more like that in high school. Will, who now had his head rested on Mike’s shoulder, gave Steve a curious look. Mike mirrored it almost perfectly. Steve raised his eyebrows at them as he wiped his hands on the nearest towel, silently asking them what they wanted.
“We know where the movies are,” Will began.
At the same time Mike brought out his most obnoxious tone asking, “What’s wrong with you lately?” It earned him an elbow in the ribs from Will.
“Okay, well, I know you know where the movies are but it’s cold and I don’t want to go outside yet. As for you Wheeler, I have no idea what you mean.” Steve replied, he was incredibly uncomfortable. He hated how well people saw through him, especially the kids. It was one thing to see pursed lips and concerned eyes from Nancy or a sympathetic sad smile from Jonathan, but to see those exact same expressions on their respective younger siblings was gutting. Steve just wanted to hide.
“You just seem, I don’t know,” Mike paused, searching for the right word.
“Lost. Like all the time,” Will offered.
“And–” Mike tried to continue but Steve cut him off.
“I’m fine. Help yourself to anything, call out if you need anything.”
He brushed past them and out the sliding doors to see Lucas making a shot with little effort. He was good, better than Steve had ever been. He paused to watch, ensuring he was in a spot where he was out of eye sight from both Lucas and the boys in the living room. He wasn’t entirely sure why Lucas still came over to practice with him, there was nothing Steve could coach him on now, no matter how many books he read on it, no matter how much he practiced on his own time, Lucas was simply so much better than him. He had so much potential, smart and talented in a way Steve had never been, both gifted and driven in a manner Steve had never possessed; not just in basketball but in everything. Steve sometimes looked at Lucas and saw himself, he had all of his best qualities and none of the bad ones, with none of the aspects of Steve that made people recoil from him. Lucas was everything he should have been, and as much as Steve was envious of it, his pride for him shone brighter than anything.
Mike was right, there was something wrong with Steve, but it wasn’t something new. His parents saw it, then Tommy, then Nancy, then Eddie and now the kids. He wasn’t a natural at anything but failure, he was a toxin that made anyone close to him for too long cast him away. Steve had thought the kids were his exception, the people that would love him too much to be bothered by whatever flaw he had that sent everyone else running. As it turned out he was wrong, as he so horribly often was. They’d been slipping away since the moment he taught them to drive, selfishly he wished he never had, but all he could do now was savor the fleeting moments he had before they left him too.
He did his best to savor it, to not let his sadness taint what could be his last moments with them, but it was hard. Steve was so tired of being lonely, even when his house was full as it was then. He laughed at Lucas’ jokes as the younger boy kicked his ass at Horse, he ruffled Will’s hair as he served them lunch, he teased Mike as he helped him finish up the stir fry. He curled up with them on the sofa and tried his best to pay attention to The Breakfast Club, rolling his eyes at Mike’s commentary. He tried his hardest to enjoy his day.
“Steve, who would you rather date: The Brain, The Criminal, or The Princess?” Mike asked, as the group danced around on screen.
“Please, we know the answer! That’s like asking him to pick from Robin, Eddie and Nancy,” Will snorted.
Steve made an offended noise but eventually admitted his admiration for John Bender, “I’ve got a type, sue me!”
The three boys dissolved in giggles around him, all of them admitting their own Breakfast Club crush: Claire for Lucas, Brian for Will, and John for Mike.
“Me and Steve have taste!”
“Now you both just had crushes on Eddie,” Lucas said.
“I did not!”
“Your haircut freshman year suggests otherwise.”
Mike reached over Steve to flick Lucas in the forehead in retaliation before returning his arm back around Will. Lucas made a move to hit Mike back but Steve pressed into him gently and sent him his best stern look that surprisingly worked. He was genuinely happy to spend a day with the boys, but the sadness within him had a grip so suffocating it would not cease, not even for a moment.
“Do you still like him?” Mike asked suddenly, both Will and Lucas sent him a glare that Steve had seen several times. This was a question Mike had already been told not to ask, but if there was one resounding similarity between the Wheeler siblings it was their inability to mind their own business. “Eddie, I mean.”
“I do,” Steve said simply, the answer seemed to further tighten the vice that had been suffocating his chest. “Never stopped.”
“Then why’d you break up?”
“Mike!” Both Lucas and Will chastised as the second question left his lips. Steve was equally offended and touched that his love life was apparently a point of discussion between the kids. This must have been something that, with no doubt, was brought up by Max and had intrigued Mike’s ever nosey mind.
“It’s okay guys,” Steve soothed the offended boys and then turned back to Mike. “I don’t know why, honestly. He just sort of disappeared, I guess he didn’t like me anymore, I don’t know.”
He tried hard to keep his voice even, and somehow he did, but no matter how nonchalant his tone was Steve’s sad puppy-dog eyes betrayed him. Mike looked up at him, looking hauntingly like Nancy.
“Fuck him! That’s bullshit!”
Steve smiled softly, “Yeah it’s bullshit, but he doesn’t really owe me anything. It’s okay.”
“Not very metal of him,” Lucas added, always the peacekeeper, always trying to provide levity.
“Ollie would be very disappointed,” Will nodded along solemnly, perfectly imitating the way women in a book club would gossip.
Steve giggled, as did Mike, “It’s Ozzy,” they explained in unison.
They continued the movie in silence, Mike falling asleep as soon as he no longer felt there was an opportunity for him to talk. Will followed him into sleep soon after, Mike draped across Steve’s lap and Will burrowed into him. Lucas on the other hand was wide awake beside him, fiddling with a loose string on his shorts, fully immersed into the film. Steve shut his own eyes and tipped his head back, though he knew sleep would not come. It seldom did without the coaxing of drunkenness recently.
He thought of Eddie, he thought of Mike’s words, and he thought of Nancy. He was very much over her, but the pain she caused him on Halloween ‘84 still lingered, mostly because Steve was afraid she spoke some sort of haunting truth within her drunken fit: maybe he was bullshit, maybe it wasn’t just Nance that couldn’t love him, but everyone. Maybe Eddie left because he saw the same shallowness within Steve that Nancy did, maybe he was only kept in people's lives to pass time until they found something better. There was something wrong with Steve, he didn’t know what it was –if he did he’d fix it–, but he knew what it made him. Steve was bullshit.
Lucas nudged him out of his thoughts just as his throat began to tighten. Thank God. Steve hummed in acknowledgment, but did not yet open his eyes.
“Dustin came over to mine last night.”
“Yeah?” Eyes squeezed shut tighter.
“He’s sorry. He’s too stubborn to say it himself, but he feels really bad.”
“I know.”
“How?”
“I know you guys better than you think I do. I’m not entirely stupid.”
“I don’t think you’re stupid.”
Steve simply hummed again, he was not enjoying this. He would have never kicked any of the kids out of his house but the discomfort he was feeling in this conversation made the option sound very tempting. Lucas nudged him again, ever stubborn in his pursuit of peace between friends.
“You aren’t. None of us think that.”
“Okay.”
“Max said you seemed sad yesterday, but that was before Dustin even came over,” Lucas continued, “If something is bothering you, you should talk to us.”
“You don’t need to worry about me, kiddo. That’s not your job.”
“Of course it is, you're our friend,” Lucas argued, trying hard to keep his volume low so as to not wake Mike and Will. “Talk to Jonathan, or Nancy or Robin or anyone if not me, but we love you and we’re worried.”
“Alright. I promise you though I am fine.”
Lucas shot him a suspicious look, but pushed no further. The rest of the film was finished without interruption, and Lucas woke the other boys when it was done to take them home. Steve pressed containers filled to the brim of the dinner he had made on their way out.
“What are you gonna eat?” Will asked as he took the tupperware gratefully.
“I’ll make something later, I’m not hungry right now.” Steve said as he ushered the boys out. Between Mike’s audacious questions and Lucas’ incessant pressing, Steve just wanted to be alone. All three boys pressed him in a group hug at the door, before they left, Will mumbling something he couldn’t quite understand.
“Alright, drive safe.”
“See you soon!” The boys chorused as they left.
—
Steve didn’t know what to do with himself. He wanted to call Robin, Jon, Nancy, Eddie, anyone, but he didn’t want to be a bother. They all had lives, relationships, jobs, things to do, all of which mattered much more than Steve feeling a little sad. Steve had nothing beyond a dead-end call centre job that Robin had bested him in and a big empty house. No family, no career, no education, no lover and soon he predicted he'd have no friends. He decided to skip the alcohol tonight, fearing he was becoming a bit too much like his mother, and fled to his bedroom. He threw in a mixtape Jonathan had made him into his stereo before he buried himself in his covers, hoping to drown out the noise of his thoughts. Songs from The Clash, Talking Heads, Ramones, and Bowie played among others he couldn’t quite place and Steve could do nothing but stare at the wall across him. A familiar instrumental played after a while, instantly bringing tears to Steve’s eyes. The lyrics started and Steve began to softly sing along.
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now
Hair fell into his eyes, and snot and tears soaked it wet, a sob escaped Steve’s lips and he sat himself up, wrapping his arms around his legs, rocking himself softly like a small child. The song continued and Steve hummed, sang and sobbed along, No longer able to stand his loneliness, unable to stand himself.
In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die?
Steve wondered the same thing as he sang along, would anyone notice at this point? If he died, if he disappeared, would anyone look for him? Would anyone miss him? Four months ago Steve would have been sure his friends would care, four months ago the notion of death would have scared him. It didn’t anymore, part of him would welcome it. That scared Steve even more, and he sobbed harder at the thought.
Two lovers entwined pass me by
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
His singing stopped now, and he could only cry. Steve wanted to be held, he wanted a mom. Not his own mother, who had never shown him the loving grace a real mom should have, but a mother like Joyce Byers, or Sue Sinclair. A mother who would hold Steve to her chest and wipe his tears, a mother who would cast away his bad thoughts and anyone or anything that brought them on, a mother who would rock him in her arms so he wouldn’t have to rock himself.
The music clicked off suddenly, and Steve snapped his head up, ready to be faced with a monster or a madman. Instead he was met with Jonathan, looking sad, shocked and scared all at once. Steve blinked up at him from his spot on the bed, he hadn’t even heard the door open. Jonathan crossed the room quickly, taking Steve’s face in his hands and wiping away the tears that were still falling persistently.
“Hi, Byers,” Steve said, his words choked by a sob.
“Oh Steve,” Jonathan said softly, Steve couldn’t help but cry harder. “Oh no, come here.”
Jonathan brushed the hair away from his face before completely enveloping Steve in a hug, rubbing his back as he sobbed. Steve wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, despite Jonathan being a year his junior, he guessed this was what having a big brother was like. Perhaps that’s what he needed, even more than a mom. Jonathan began humming a tune to him, and moved one hand to stroke his hair as his crying softened from sobbing to sniffles, keeping him firmly attached to his chest even when Steve felt like he should have pulled away and let Jon go.
“I’m sorry,” He said thickly, muffled by Jonathan’s shirt.
“Hey, hey, hey, none of that. You’re okay. It’s all gonna be okay.” Jonathan said, pulling away from him to sit beside him on the bed. One hand still remained on Steve’s back, rubbing soothing circles.
Steve wiped at his eyes, “Why are you here?”
“Mike and Will called, saying they were worried about you. Fifteen minutes later I got a call from Lucas and Max saying the same. I thought I’d come over to see you sulking by the pool like you usually do, offer you a joint and get you to talk. I wasn’t expecting this though,” Jonathan said, taking a moment to chew on his lip. “What’s going on buddy?”
“I don’t know,” Steve said stubbornly, fearing that if he pointed out his problems Jonathan would see whatever it was that made people run away from him and follow suit.
“You can tell me anything. You know that?” Jonathan said. Steve had only ever heard him use this tone with Will, he was touched in a way. Though he still couldn’t bring himself to speak. “Fine, I’ll go first. I’m dating Argyle. Your turn, share.”
“I knew that, everyone knows that,” Steve said, smiling at the fact Jonathan actually believed their relationship was a well-kept secret.
Jonathan blushed, but remained persistent. “Steve please, let me help you. Whatever is going on we’ll fix it, I’ll fix it.”
“You can’t, I’m the problem and you can’t fix me. I’ve been trying my whole fucking life Jon, there’s just something wrong with me, like I came out defected,” Steve said, his breaths getting more uneven with every word.
“Don’t say that. There’s nothing about you that needs to be fixed. You’re doing just fine Steve, there’s nothing wrong with you.”
“Then why doesn’t anyone love me? Why does everyone leave?” Steve was sobbing again, he doubled over on himself only to be quickly pulled into Jonathan’s lap. Part of him couldn’t stand Jonathan’s patient tone and protective demeanor, the knowledge that it would leave him soon enough made him want to reject it. The other, louder, part of him never wanted to leave his safe arms.
“I don’t know what to do here Steve,” Jonathan said, with a wavering voice after a moment of silence. His hand now carding through Steve’s hair again.
“There’s-It’s just stupid. Like I said you can’t fix me, so just go.” Steve choked out, despite his words he didn’t move from Jonathan’s lap, partly because he didn’t have the energy to get up and partly because he didn’t want him to leave at all.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Jon–”
“No. I’m staying.”
“You have better things to do. Argyle will worry, just go home. I can take care of myself.” Steve said, knowing well he couldn’t take care of himself but it would be selfish to burden Jonathan with the task. Jonathan who probably barely liked him but was goaded into this task by the kids.
“Well you don’t have to. I’m gonna take care of you, and you can’t stop me. As for Argyle, well, he’s blazed out of his mind with Eddie right now so I think he’ll be okay,” Jonathan replied, he was just as stubborn as Steve, probably more so.
Steve mindlessly whimpered at the mention of Eddie’s name. He was too tired and too upset to have pride. It was a hard thing to have when he was nestled in the arms of a man 20 pounds lighter than him, the same man who his ex-girlfriend had once abandoned him for. He couldn’t bring himself to pretend anymore, not even for the sake of not wanting to drive everyone away sooner. There was no point in dragging out the inevitable, Steve would allow this upset, and then everyone would leave, and he’d find some sort of way to live within this misery. For now he’d simply allow himself to be held.
“Oh, is this about Eddie? Did he hurt you?” Jonathan asked, noting the timing of the cry. His voice was somehow softer now.
“He left, and I don’t know why, And now the kids and then it’ll be Robin, then Nance, then you and fuck,” Steve said between sobs. He knew his words didn’t make much sense, but somehow Jonathan made sense of them easily.
“ Oh Steve. ”
“I don’t wanna be alone.”
“You aren’t. I’m here, I’ll always be here.” Jonathan said.
Steve knew it was a lie, or moreso a promise that couldn’t be kept. He knew eventually, Jonathan would leave. He knew his own fate, years from now he’d be a lonely man, watching as the people he loved became successful from afar. He’d be here, in Hawkins, while their talents and prospects took them elsewhere. He’d move into a small shitbox apartment when his parents finally kicked him out. He’d probably work at the shitty call centre until he died. He’d have no children, no spouse, nothing to go home to. He’d continue to sustain himself on copious amounts of booze and little food. He’d die of some preventable disease far too young, and his funeral would be a ghost town. Steve knew that’s where his life was leading him and though he wished he could stop it, it seemed to be beyond his power.
Steve calmed eventually, tears finally subsiding, not because he felt better but because he simply ran out energy to cry any longer.
“I’m sorry for all this, Jon.”
“I told you, you don’t need to be. Now, I’m gonna order us dinner, steal a shirt to change into and roll us that joint. You go shower, it’ll make you feel better.”
Steve wanted to argue, but he knew Jonathan would hear none of it. An hour later, when their leftover pizza was discarded behind them and they were sitting in blissful silence, passing the joint back and forth Jonathan said something that Steve didn’t expect in the slightest.
“Eddie talks about you all the time you know? I had no idea you guys even stopped seeing each other. It’s always ‘Steve loves this song!’ ‘Stevie showed me this movie!’ ‘You should ask Steve to help you with that he’s really good at it!’’ Jonathan said, putting on a high pitched voice to imitate Eddie’s words. Steve laughed, especially since Eddie’s voice was deeper than Jonathan’s. “Plus he still wears the chain you bought him, every single day. You should talk to him.
Steve sighed, taking a moment to take another drag before handing the joint back to Jonathan. “I tried, when he first started pulling away, and he wouldn’t even admit anything was wrong. Now, I don’t even know what I would say without sounding completely pathetic.”
“You aren’t pathetic for wanting answers, especially when it's obvious that he still loves you.”
“I don’t think he loves me, man. I mean, you wouldn’t leave Argyle like that, would you?”
“No,” Jonathan answered carefully. “But, Eddie and I are different. We’ve got different circumstances and shit.”
Steve hummed in agreement, “I guess so, I’ll ask him to come over for dinner this week or something maybe, I don’t know.”
“I’ll force him to come.”
“Yeah, because you’re so scary.”
“I’ll borrow Nancy’s guns. Wait no! I’ll borrow Nancy and her guns!”
Steve laughed, the high clearly hitting them both now, “Poor bastard.”
The boys dissolved in giggles and traded jokes for the rest of the night, and for a moment, Steve really did feel better. Jonathan ended up sleeping over, refusing to take a guest room or get under the covers with Steve, instead curling up at the foot of the bed much like a well pampered dog. It was a quintessential Jonathan Byers quirk, one of many that made Steve loved him. God, imagine what Junior-Year-Steve would think if he heard that Byers the Perv would become one of his best friends, Steve thought to himself as he fell asleep.
__
The boys woke early the next morning, Steve having to get to his 9-5 and pick up Robin on the way and Jonathan having a 10:30 lecture. They went through their morning routines in relative silence. Steve enjoyed the close understanding he and Jon had, after they had brushed their teeth, changed into new outfits, and made themselves look presentable they travelled downstairs. Steve made eggs and toast while Jonathan made coffee.
“I’m sending Eddie here, after our shift tonight.” Jonathan said simply as he and Steve sat at the table. The two boys worked at a bookshop near the college Nance and Jon attended, it gave Eddie enough distance from Hawkins where he was not harassed by patrons and both enjoyed reading enough for it to be an enjoyable job.
Steve choked on his coffee, “What?”
“You need to talk. He’s off at 6, so he should be here by like 6:45, I’m not giving either of you a choice.”
“I hate you,”
“Eat your fucking eggs. I’m gonna head out and try to see Argyle before class. I’ll see you later.” Jonathan said as he placed his breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and added more cream to his travel mug. “Oh, and come over soon will you? Argyle misses you.”
“Sure, have a good day Jonny.”
“You too!” Jonathan called as he ran out the front door.
Steve sighed as he looked down at his breakfast, he had only eaten a bit but the prospect of seeing Eddie tonight made him nauseous with nerves. He scraped his plate into the garbage and opted for more coffee instead. He doubted Eddie would even come, he had no reason to listen to Jonathan, but he was still worried about it. He sat on the kitchen island and bit the inside of his cheek until it bled, before finally glancing at the clock and deciding it was time to head out and pick Robin up.
–
He drove to Robin’s with the tunes of Wham! to keep him company, it may have only been early December, but in Steve’s opinion it was always a good time to listen to Last Christmas . Robin was waiting outside by the mailbox when he arrived and groaned at the song choice when she got in the car.
“The Christmas tape? Already?”
Steve only hummed in response, and turned down the volume to spare her ears.
“Good morning to you too.”
“Sorry, good morning Stevie-Bear,” She said in a teasing voice.
Steve laughed and pushed away her head as she moved to ruffle his hair.
“I’m sorry about Friday by the way, I got way too drunk at dinner, but it was still shitty to cancel.”
“It’s fine,” Steve lied. “Patrick and I had a great time without you.”
“Oh, on a first-name basis now are we?”
“Very much so.” He said suggestively.
“Gross!” Robin let out a loud cackle, “Wanna go out for lunch today?”
Steve agreed and Robin spent the rest of the car ride recounting her weekend for him in an exuberant amount of detail. Everything she wore. Everything Nancy wore, everything they ate, everything they did, everything they talked about, everyone they saw (which consisted of Ted, Holly, Mike, Will, Eddie’s friend Gareth at the grocery store and Robin’s parents).
“So, what'd you do?” She asked finally as Steve was about to pull into the parking lot.
“The usual, movies, booze, basketball.” Steve said as he found his usual parking spot. They still had five minutes before they started, despite Steve’s slow driving and his choice to take the longer route. This was their usual on a Monday though, it gave them ample time to talk before being doomed to the bore of office work.
“Oh! I forgot to tell you, Dustin and Eddie came over on Saturday night. Eddie told us what happened and Nance totally tore Dustin a new one, Like she was scary, and Eddie was more pissed than I’ve ever seen him, he didn’t even drive Dustin home, he made Will do it!”
“Really?” Steve said, feeling guilty. Dustin didn’t deserve to be yelled at, especially not because of Steve.
“He felt super bad, I could tell.”
“Yeah, I know. I knew he didn’t mean anything he said, you guys didn’t have to do all of that.” Steve said.
“Nance was a bit much I agree, but the boy hurt her baby brother and her best friend in one day. She protects the people she loves.” Robin said, her voice dreamy at the end.
“I take it the little shit apologized to Mike?”
“Yes, Nance made him do it in front of us, it was kinda funny.”
“Good.” Steve said, only a little hurt Dustin hadn’t spoken to him about anything yet, maybe he was resentful.
“He’s coming over to yours tomorrow to apologize by the way,” Robin said, as if she had read his mind. “He figured you’d be busy with Lucas on Sunday and he has an AV club meeting tonight.”
Steve nodded thoughtfully. “I’m glad he’s not coming over tonight, Jon’s forcing Eddie to come over to mine.”
Robin squealed, and pressed him for details but the clock read 8:59 and the pair had to head in. “Fucking finally! You guys are made for each other, remind me to makeout with Jonathan in thanks next time we see him.”
“Makeout?” Steve laughed.
“Makeout,” Robin confirmed. “In a completely platonic lesbian fashion.”
Steve loved Robin’s strange humor. He loved the way she’d always put his mind at ease, even when he didn’t tell her he was upset. He loved her loyalty, her compassion, and her ability to understand him like no other. He loved Nancy too. Her protective nature, her fiery spirit, and her softness and deep unwavering kindness. He was completely and utterly thankful for the two women in his life. Always in his corner, even when he didn’t expect it.
Steve mindlessly took customer calls, directected people to the right departments, stuck to his boring script. The whole day though his mind was consumed with Eddie, and potential evening with him. What should he say? What should he do? Does he hug him at the door? Will Eddie just use his key? Does he even still have it? Oh god, what should he wear? Steve preferred trousers these days, but he knew Eddie loved the way he looked in his blue jeans. He had traded out most of his polos for sweaters and button downs, bu8t it still all seemed too preppy for Eddie’s liking. He could wear Eddie’s clothes? Should he dig up his old vest from the Vecna days? No, that would have been weird. God, he needed Robin’s help.
On their lunch break they made the quick drive over to the Surfer Boy chain that Argyle managed and the three of them planned Steve’s look for the night while eating in the backroom.
“Blue jeans are imperative Steven! Imperative! They’re the King Steve staple! Blue jeans and a crewneck, that’s all you need to make anyone go wild!” Robin said.
“Nah man, the brown trousers. Jon said they make your ass pop.” Argyle countered.
Steve choked on his drink.
“You’re our hallpass by the way,” He continued. “In case this doesn’t work out.”
“Dude!”
“Ew!”
“Just saying dude, you’re a fine piece of ass. Munson doesn’t know what he’s missing.”
Steve was starting to wish he had never asked for advice.
“This is, very, unhelpful,” He told them. “I just don’t wanna look like a try-hard, but I also wanna look nice.”
“Well then, what you’re wearing now is fine, Steve,” Robin told him. He looked down at his outfit, a baggy off-white button up tucked into a pair of grey trousers. “Just undo a few buttons when you get home and throw on a chain or something.”
“I don’t have one.”
At once, both Argyle and Robin unclasped their own necklaces. Robin’s a chunky silver piece, and Argyle’s a long, thin chain with a surprisingly beautiful pendant. He always kept it tucked into his shirt, so Steve had never seen it before, but he did know it belonged to the boy's grandmother. They took turns coming up behind Steve and putting the necklaces on them.
“The layered look is very hot.” Robin told him. She always wore her necklaces layered though, so of course she would think that
“Are you guys sure? I don’t want to impose.”
“It’s fine man. Now you’ll have a piece of us with you, giving you luck.” Argyle said he was always insightful in the best moments.
“Oh! And make sure to untuck the shirt a bit too when you get home, it’ll be like, disheveled but in a sophisticated way.” Robin added.
“I’ll look like a pirate.”
“Sexy pirate, man.” Argyle said.
“Thanks guys.”
“Anytime Stevo.” They said together, Steve groaned at the unfavorable nickname.
They finished their lunch quickly after and bid goodbye to Argyle who wished him luck. The rest of his work day dragged on, the mind-numbing tasks only inturruoetd once when Robin rapped on his cubicle to inform him she’d asked Nance to pick her up so he’d have extra time to ‘prepare himself’ tonight. He kinda wished he would have had that extra time to talk things through with her, but thanked her regardless. 5:00 came all too quickly, and he and Robin walked out towards Nancy’s car together arm in arm.
“Everything is gonna go fine Steve.” Robin told him.
“And if it doesn’t I still have that felony shotgun.” Nancy added, she was leaning on her car door waiting for them and enveloped them both in hugs when they got close enough.
Steve laughed lightly as he wrapped his arms around both girls, “I don’t think that’ll be necessary.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t pull it on Dustin.” Robin said.
“I was tempted,” Nancy replied coyly as the three unwrapped themselves from the hug. “Seriously though Steve, it’s gonna be okay, and Robin and I will be standing by at my place with pints of ice cream at the ready just in case.”
“We’ll just be a call away.”
“Alright, well I better get going. I need to fix my hair before he comes.”
“Okay, we love you!” Nancy said.
“Love you too.”
“Don’t forget the buttons!” Robin called after him as he walked to his car, he flipped her off but didn’t look back.
–
Steve had an hour and 45 minutes before Eddie was expected so he drove over to Melvin’s, he decided he should restock on Eddie’s favourite beer. He let his Christmas music tape play softly as he drove through town back to Loch Nora. He fussed with everything in the house once he got there: the living room pillows, the dining room chairs, the flowers, the fruit bowl on the island, the towels in the bathroom. Everything needed to be perfect, clean, Steve needed Eddie to think he was doing splendidly. When he was moderately satisfied he went upstairs to fix himself up, god he felt like such a girl. He remoused his hair, sprayed on Eddie’s favourite cologne, and made all the outfit tweaks Robin and Argyle had suggested earlier. He looked good, different than high school Steve, different than recent graduate Steve, different than the Steve Eddie first met, but good. He toyed with Argyle’s pendant as he gave himself another lookover. He checked his watch, it was 6:30, just enough time for a cigarette by the pool before Eddie was meant to come.
Steve was nervous, nervous in a way he hadn’t been since the days of sneaking through Nancy’s windows. Eddie hadn’t really made him nervous like this before. He liked him just as much, probably more, than he had liked Nance but he also always had such a knack for making Steve feel at ease. He was never on edge, never stressed, never worried around Eddie. But that was before, now Eddie made him so nervous he had to resort to smoking 4 years after he had quit just to calm down. He was sitting cross-legged on one of the recliner chairs by the pool, smoking his second cigarette when the sliding door clicked open, and Eddie fucking Munson sauntered over to him, the dramatic showman he was. He looked gorgeous as he smiled warmly at Steve, his nose red due to his intolerance to the cold. He was wearing even more layers than he normally did, a red flannel peeking out from under his leather and denim combo and a simple white thermal shirt underneath. He wore blue jeans instead of his usual black, still torn in too many places, with three chains dangling from his belt loops.
“Hi, Stevie.”
“Munson,” Steve said, trying hard to keep his voice at its normal octave. “Wanna go inside?”
“Oh god yes. It’s fucking colder than hell out here.” Eddie replied, swaying a bit as he stood, clearly waiting for Steve to lead the way.
“Isn’t hell supposed to be hot?” Steve asked, as he rose and walked to Eddie, placing a hand on the shorter boys back to guide him inside.
“Who's to say what it is? No one’s been and come back to report.”
Steve hummed in agreement, walking over to the fridge to grab them both a beer before going back to the living room couch. Eddie followed him like a lost puppy all the while playing with his rings before Steve finally handed him his beer, from which he took a large swing. He was nervous too, Steve realized, and somehow that made him feel better. They sat on the couch facing each other, it wasn’t the most comfortable angle, but neither of them seemed to mind.
“So,” They both started, dissolving in giggles soon after.
“You go first,” Steve commanded.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, I was trying to protect you, you know? Protect myself too maybe, but I never ever meant to make you upset, I really had no idea you were until Byers practically pounced on me today,” Eddie said quickly, his eyes darting around, looking anywhere but Steve. He clearly wasn’t finished talking but Steve interrupted him.
“You didn’t know I was hurt? You completely abandoned me after us being together for over a year, you wouldn’t even speak to me! You thought that wouldn’t hurt me? After everything I told you about my parents and Nance and everything? And what, exactly, were you protecting us from? Don’t lie to me about this Eddie. If you don’t love me, if you never did just tell me, but don’t pretend that you did this for some bullshit reason that you can’t even explain!”
“No Steve, please just listen, of course I love you.” Eddie said, his voice cracking.
“If you loved me you wouldn’t let me hurt like this for no reason.” Steve’s tone was angry, but he wasn’t, not really. He was mostly in disbelief, how could Eddie think that? Did their relationship really mean that little to him that he thought Steve wouldn’t grieve it at all. Sure, they never put labels on it, but still, it meant something. It wasn’t something that could be thrown away.
“Shit, please just let me explain. I had reasons, and maybe they were bullshit, I don’t know, but I had them. I really never wanted to hurt you.” Eddie grabbed his hands in his now, and both of them were coming close to tears.
Steve said nothing, but began to rub circles on Eddie’s hands, signaling for him to continue. He could tell Eddie felt bad, and he needed an explanation.
“I was protecting both of us for different reasons, but it was mostly about protecting you. I just, I was worried about people finding out, people already gave you shit for being my friend but if they knew we were more, they’d hurt you Stevie. Not just because of the gay shit, but because of who it was with. They’d hurt you bad Steve, they’d hurt both of us, but I just wouldn’t be able to stand myself if you got hurt because of me. ” Eddie said softly, not looking up from the boys' interlaced hands. His voice was shaking, in the way it only did when he was scared. Steve’s heart broke for the selfless boy in front of him.
“Honey, why wouldn’t you just talk to me about this? Because, surprise surprise, I don’t give a fuck about what all those hicks think about you, about us. I chose you, and I knew what I was getting myself into, I’m not stupid.”
“I know you’re not. I just didn’t want to become a problem in your life, I didn't wanna be a burden, I guess.”
“You could never burden me, I want you. All I’ve wanted these last few months is you.”
“I was also, kinda, worried you’d get sick of me. Everyone eventually does, and then they leave, and I thought if I did it first it would hurt less. It didn’t by the way,” Eddie added softly. “That was me protecting myself I guess. And I guess that’s why I thought you wouldn’t be upset, like time apart would make you realize I’m too much to be around.”
Steve laughed at how resoundingly similar and stupid they were. All this time they’d both been worrying about the exact same thing, all this time they’d been destroying themselves in the name of the same nonexistent issue.
“Eds, you’re talking to the King of being left behind, I would never be sick of you.”
“I’m so sorry, Stevie.” Eddie finally looked at him, his big brown eyes as wet as Steve’s felt.
“It’s okay Hon, I understand. It really hurt, what you did, but I understand now.” He tangled one hand from Eddie’s to bring it up to rest on his face, brushing away a piece of his bangs that was a bit too grown out. He smiled softly at him, and Eddie returned it.
“You don’t think I’m annoying?” Eddie asked teasingly, his smile growing wide enough to create those creases under his eyes that Steve adored.
“No, I definitely do,” Steve started in his own teasing tone. Eddie shoved his shoulder softly with his freehand, and left it there. “But I love that about you.”
Eddie’s smile somehow grew even further, just as Steve felt his own, and the longer-haired boy pulled him in close. They kissed then, slowly, blissfully, gently. It was everything Steve had missed, and more. Eddie’s hand had moved from his shoulder to his back, scratching in the perfect places, always knowing which scars to avoid. Steve’s thumb brushed the scar on Eddie’s face, the one he hated but Steve adored. They broke the kiss only for a moment, just to look at each other, to smile, to ensure themselves this was real.
“You are astonishing, Steve Harrington.”
“And you’re beautiful, Eddie Munson.”
Steve got to hold Eddie again that night, and he held him tighter than he ever had before. He was ecstatic, but somehow still scared. It was strange, to be both unbelievably happy and have a sadness gnawing within you all at once. He drifted asleep eventually, wondering if Eddie would leave again once the kids did, wondering when, or if, the kids would leave. He was selfish for it, Steve knew that, but he could not will the fearful thoughts away. Eddie should have been enough, but there was something insatiable within him, always craving more love. Love from those who didn’t want to love him.